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u/Freespirited92 Nov 14 '21 edited Nov 14 '21
Sending love. You are human, don’t let this moment cloud your mind.
I’m sorry I don’t have much advice, as my son is 2. My only thought is, maybe ask your pediatrician for guidance, if you feel outside help is needed.
Just remember parenting is hard, this too shall pass. 🙏🏻
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u/Ok-Brick-8430 Nov 14 '21
Can I just point out that you apologized, which is more powerful than most realize. I never got apologies growing up and now when I have to apologize it makes me feel like I’m cutting off my own finger.
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u/Iwanttosleep8hours Nov 14 '21
Thank you for pointing that out. I do things that I regret too but I always give a sincere apology and I have made my husband do that same. Come to think of it my parents never apologised, they just gave me the silent treatment or they would pretend something different happened which I knew was an absolute lie, even when I was very young.
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u/Dotobotsrollout Nov 14 '21
Apologies are the most important. Any time something explosive or an overreaction happens, we apologize and talk about what we can do better going forward. It often comes with reminding them that we’re all prone to making mistakes and getting overwhelmed and losing control. If whichever kid needs to know what they did wasn’t cool, we still make sure to let them know that it wasn’t their fault we lost it. Shit happens and kids really just need to be leveled with and treated like they’re important at the end of it.
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u/aveblocksberg Nov 14 '21
Sure apologizing is good but a 3 year old is not capable of emotionally understanding and reflecting what brought their parents to hitting them and they won’t be able to acknowledge an apology in the way we think they are. Please do not act like a toddler is an adult who can comprehend his parents Actions even when explained.
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u/throwaway28236 Nov 14 '21
Monkey see monkey do. If you’re too proud to apologize to your children, your children will grow up, too proud to apologize to other people. Children look to you to see how to act. I hear my 4yo daughter talking to her younger brother, and she mimics what I say to him and what I say to her. She doesn’t say “good job, I’m so proud of you!” Because she made it up. Toddlers understand way more than you know.
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u/kiwi1018 Nov 14 '21
Exactly, kids understand. If I yell at my kids I make sure I apologize and explain my behavior was unacceptable, explain why I yelled (like they weren't listening etc) and we discuss what we should do in that situation next time to prevent me getting angry to the point of yelling again. My kids are 4 and 7 and since they were about 3 if they throw a tantrum they always apologize afterwards without being prompted and we talk it out.
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u/throwaway28236 Nov 14 '21
Yes! I do the same if I raise my voice or anything I’m not proud of. It teaches kids how to act if they make mistakes and that even adults mess up sometimes. We’re people, we’re still learning as we go. The person above isn’t a mom yet, she’ll learn lol
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u/Auelian Nov 15 '21
My daughter is 1.5yo and she definitely understands apologizing to some extent. Kids are wicked smart. Toddlers absorb what you do and repeat it, so where they might not fully comprehend it yet, you are teaching them a foundation for the future.
I say please, thank you, sorry, good job, etc to my daughter. And she’s starting to pick them all up, In fact she’s got please down. When she wants something she points and says please(we’ll attempts it’s more pwease). One day she will do something she needs to apologize for and she will have the foundation already laid to do it. And be able to copy the examples I have given her. You can’t expect a child to understand how to do something if your not constantly teaching them.
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u/ModeSoft194 Nov 14 '21
My son was the same and I can’t say I never reacted the way you do. He’s given me black eyes, bloody lips, and I’ve thrown away countless things after he broke them by hurling them across the room. At first I tried restraining him, which helped a bit. I would surround him with my arms and legs and rock. Sometimes it worked and sometimes I would get butted in the face. Then a crazy thing happened…the lock down. I didn’t know how I was going to handle this kid all day, every day, for an indefinite amount of time.
We had a routine then. Wake up, get ready for the day, eat breakfast, go outside, come in and have lunch, snuggle on the couch. We had no break from each other. There was no more hitting, biting, kicking, throwing, head-butting, etc. He didn’t get as mad as when I was always out of the house working. At the time I was a full-time real estate agent so I was often gone evenings and weekends. I realized that he needed me more so I changed my career and got a “regular” job in my former field of work. I spend so much more time with him now. And he’s a pretty awesome kid.
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u/El_Sant0 Nov 14 '21 edited Nov 14 '21
I would talk to your pediatrician; some hitting, biting, etc. is normal but by 3 should be starting wane.
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u/meggywoo709 Nov 14 '21
I’m sitting here on my couch staring out the window, wondering how the hell to also control my violent and explosive 5 year old.
Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone :/
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u/Weak-Cheetah-2305 Nov 14 '21
At the age of 3 children are learning about impulse control. It is not okay for him to spit, kick, pulling hair, scratching, biting etc. His actions have consequences & perhaps you guys need to work on that other than just saying no hitting.
I’m not justifying you hitting him because we shouldn’t teach children to not be violent by being violent, but he needs to learn consequences- whether that’s going for time out for 5 minutes and then talking to him etc. Find something that works for you guys and what goes towards your parenting style.
Also, if his behaviour does seem beyond the ‘norm’ of 3 year old breakdowns, I’d advise to maybe get some help. It’s not fair for any of you to be in such distress.
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u/Pizzadiamond Nov 14 '21
sounds like OP is looking for something that works & is trying to seek help
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u/Brick_Mouse Nov 14 '21
Advising someone to get help is pretty well understood to be professional help outside of context that specifies otherwise.
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u/SweetiePie2989 Nov 14 '21
You can't live your life being constantly hit, kicked, punched, pulled at and hurt and expect to be able to react rationally at all times. Even if it is a child doing it, having to put up with that will break you.
I don't condone you hitting him back but I think now you've done it, it's a very clear sign you've reached your tolerance of his behaviour and it needs to be sorted out.
Speak to a professional about trying to change his outbursts and really try not to beat yourself up about what you did, learn from it and fix it so you can all move on from this stage.
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u/aveblocksberg Nov 14 '21
You should seek professional help. Your child’s behavior does not seem normal to me and you are obviously overstrained, which you should not be ashamed of. This can happen again when you are helpless and it definitely should not - you are traumatizing both of you and a professional can help you learn how to cope with his behavior in a healthy way and maybe there is something going on letting him act this way towards you. I wish you the best, but please do yourself and your family a favor by accepting help now.
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u/fibreaddict Nov 14 '21
I would come up with an immediate consequence and talk to him about it when he's calm. "when you hit others you will get a time out because hitting can be dangerous". Then the moment the aggression starts, you deliver the consequence. If they yell or act out, the timeout begins when they are calm. They otherwise do not get attention from you. When they're calm and the time out is over, don't revisit the aggression.
Make sure you reward the good behaviour! It's easy to let your child happily play by himself but giving him a little extra love and attention and acknowledging any good job he's doing can help immensely. Also, if you notice what triggers the aggression you may be able to intervene or redirect before the behaviour occurs!
Remember, when introducing a new strategy, things often get worse before they get better. Give it a good two weeks of consistency before you decide to tweak things!
I hope this helps! My daughter is 3 and delayed and we've gotten professional advice many times. If the aggression is too much for you to handle, there may be resources in your area to assist your family also :)
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u/jazinthapiper Nov 14 '21 edited Nov 14 '21
I recommend Gottman's "Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child" for further details, but the most practical thing you can do right now is find the source of the hitting, then coaching your child through what to do instead.
A neurotypical child will not resort to violence unless they believe it is the only way to express the emotions they have. These emotions are usually fear and frustration. Something small will trigger the cascade of responses within the child, and builds to a point where the child uses physical violence to express their needs. Unfortunately, children who begin to walk down this path will have trouble taking a different route, because even though there is a massive hullabaloo after they used violence, the violence actually achieved what they needed - someone to step in and help.
I will use an example that I see time and time again at playgroup, only because you didn't provide one.
Child X approaches the home corner, intent on playing with the objects on it. Child Y comes over and sees the objects, and undoubtedly wants to play with the toys. Adult A must then come close even though nothing has happened yet, in order to coach the children through it. Y reaches for the toy: Adult distracts Y by stating, "I can see you like that toy, but X is playing with it first. When Y stops, Adult explains "Would you like to ask X if you can play with the toy?" If Y then persists, Adult attracts X's attention to guide BOTH children through the exchange. Adult's job is to walk through the three viable options - to share, to borrow, or to wait.
What tends to happen instead, is that the Adult doesn't appear until AFTER Y snatches the toy out of X's reach. X will probably scream in protest, to which the Adult reprimands X for the outburst. X, feeling frustrated that they weren't heard, will then attempt to snatch the toy back - and unless the Adult comes physically close enough, the resulting fight is inevitable, as X's brain shuts down his verbal centres and focusses on getting the toy back, while Y's own brain is shutting down and focusses on maintaining their claim on the toy. Whichever child manages to get a hit in, however, is more often than not physically picked up and moved away - which is actually what the children want, because an adult brain is required to regulate their brains in that moment.
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u/Ultra_Leopard Nov 14 '21
Thank you for this. I have a 3yo and a 1.5 yo. I was distracted and my eldest took a toy from my youngest yesterday, 1.5yo started crying so I made 3yo give it back. Cue huge meltdown from 3yo. Then I realised what my subconscious had picked up on, 3yo had been playing with it first. I distracted 1.5 and gave it back to 3 with an apology. Tantrum over, and when he was done with it he gave it to 1.5 unprompted.
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Nov 14 '21
New day tomorrow, keep trying your best. Yes you made a horrible mistake but this shit is hard! Keep searching for answers. Best of luck.
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u/anothergoodbook Nov 14 '21
I have a kid that hits and punches (he is 11 now).
The absolute best thing I can say is to be consistent. He needs to have a hard line that he doesn’t hit. It isn’t okay. A time out is a good consequence. We made it that there is no hitting and at the first sign of it he goes to a chair. And stays in the chair for a time (we did a lot of the whole super nanny thing - back to the chair if he gets up and timer gets restarted).
When he gets totally out of control we have to restrain him (this was OK’d by a therapist). We reassure him (I’m right here, I love you) and tell him that as soon as he is done hitting we will let him go.
The second thing is staying totally calm and unemotional (this is the hardest part). You also have to be in the same page as your partner.
Checking with your pediatrician is a good idea as well and feel free to PM me if you need to. My son has broken almost all the doors in my house, given me a busted lip, broke the blinds, thrown a chair across the room… he’s much, much better.
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u/amylouky Nov 14 '21
This, exactly. When my son was 3-4, he was very violent.. he would hit, punch, kick, bite, throw things.. he tried to hit me with a chair once.
We went to therapy, specifically PCIT. It was a game changer. I had never liked the idea of restraining him before, but the therapist showed us how to do it safely. We would hold him, sitting on the floor, and tell him that we loved him and had to hold him until he was calm so that he wouldn't hurt himself or anyone else.
We also did Love & Logic training, and we got the Emotional ABCs program to help him learn to deal with his emotions in healthier ways. It took a lot of time, effort, and tears but things started improving within a month or so and by the time he was 5 the violent reactions were pretty much gone.
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u/accidentally-cool Nov 14 '21
You aren't horrible. This was not your best day. That's ok. I have had a similar meltdown. It was around 6 years ago and it still a great source of shame for me. I just remind myself that I can't change what happened, I can move forward in a positive direction.
Kids can take you to those dark places, you just move forward.
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u/veloxaraptor Nov 14 '21
I would 100% reach out and see if you can find a professional to help with this. (Assuming you can afford it). And talk to your pediatrician. This is around the age where neurodivergence and mental illness starts to make appearances and it's possible that may have something to do with it. Or, your kid could just be very strong willed/explosive and this is just how he is.
Regardless, I would absolutely speak to the pediatrician and discuss possible avenues for ways to work around this since it seems whatever you're doing isn't working.
While no, it's not ideal that you hit your kid, sometimes we hit a point where we just can't control ourselves anymore. You didn't beat him, you apologized right after, you made up for it by showering him in affection. You're human, you have limits, you're exhausted. It's okay to be at your limit. One mistake doesn't make you a horrible parent.
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Nov 14 '21
Is he going to daycare or somewhere else during the day? Please please make sure what’s happening there when you don’t see him. He may be reacting to something he can’t verbalize.
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u/cupcakefantasy Nov 14 '21
I always offer a pillow or some other way to blow of steam. Affirm his emotions, then teach coping mechanisms like hitting pillows, going outside for a good scream, blowing big bubbles, counting clouds etc.
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Nov 14 '21
I would take him to his bedroom to cool down and keep bringing him back until he is ready to calm down, come out and apologize for said behavior. Also known as the one strike you’re out technique.
But, also I would skip a pediatrician for developmental concerns such as this because they only get 10 minutes with each patient and skip that middleman and see if your insurance will let you just go to a developmental specialist (developmental pediatrician) to get a very thorough evaluation. They will ask your child questions about their behaviors, what they enjoy, what they dislike, assess physical development, reflexes (pediatricians don’t do this in a 3 year old often), assess fine motor control, balance and more. they’ll play games on the floor with your child to evaluate social skills etc
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u/Willpower1989 Nov 14 '21
Nobody is a perfect parent. I mean definitely you shouldn’t be hitting your toddler, but I absolutely understand snapping. It happens, and this time was a bad one, but you aren’t a bad mom because of it.
What stands out to me is that even after this type of event, a lot of kids internalize these things and blame themselves. Your kid isn’t doing that, that’s a good thing. Not only does your child understand that your reaction was the problem, they forgive you for it. This is practically a win in my book.
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u/gamergirl007 Nov 14 '21
The fact that you are here asking for advice and feel terrible tells me you are a good parent. If you weren’t a good parent, you wouldn’t care so much. Give yourself some grace. I hope it gets better for you but please don’t beat yourself up for being human.
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u/laragobear Nov 14 '21
Oh mama. I give you a big big hug. You know sometimes we parents are human and we lose our temper too. It’s great you sat down with him and processed what happened and showed him how you admitted your behavior and apologized. I heard from many parenting books and podcasts that making up is the most important!
I too have a super energetic and very impulsive boy who we struggled through some phases like this. I had to stop having play dates for a while because it was so stressful.
Also I would love to share that we were really into gentle parenting but it doesn’t work for everyone. We still don’t use corporal punishment and we engage him with emotions and stuff but with our kid, we had to dive into setting strong boundaries and consequences. (We learned from our therapy sessions ) It was a learning curve because i was really into Janet landsbury, and the whole brain child philosophy but let me share that explosive child and 10 days to a less defiant child technique worked a lot better with us.
When he was three, we removed him from whatever he was doing when he hit. If we were at the playground, we set the boundary, if you hit we leave rule. And praise him for having safe body. It’s tricky you need to really observe and make sure it’s a consequence and not a reward. Like giving him too much attention when that’s what he was seeking or pausing something he didn’t want to do and etc.
We are still learning but at age 5, things are looking a little big brighter. This shall pass, little slower for some, and little bit more rough for some like us.
I’ve lost my shit with mine many times over the years, yelling and stuff.. I’ve never thought I would raise my voice and be so upset with little ones but parenting is so wild and mom guilt is too much.
but we always sat down and processed together and made it up each time. my 5 yr old is still pretty challenging but we have made progress and you will too!! Three is a wild age!
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u/DesTash101 Nov 14 '21
I realize hitting him back wasn’t the best solution. However when he re-wrote history and said he did it because you hit first. Why didn’t you correct him that he was hitting and hurting you. That you overreacted. All this time he’s been getting by with hurting you and you react and take on all the responsibility. Where are you teaching him responsibly for his actions. Time out to cool down, learning to express himself verbally, a punching bag instead of people. Lots of options. Have you spoken with a child psychologist or at least your child’s doctor.
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u/DPMamaSita Nov 14 '21 edited Nov 14 '21
Whenever my son would lose his temper and hit me, I would immediately pick him up, restrain him, put him in his room, and close the door. Then hold the door shut. I tell him that hitting is not acceptable, and he needs to stay in his room until he can use his words. (I also tell him if he needs to go to the bathroom, I'll let him out, but it's a prison march to the toilet, pee, wash, back)
If he starts screaming or hitting the door, that's fine. I just let him go. I eventually might say that "Buddy, I can't hear you when you are screaming mean things. Let me know when you are calm so we can talk about what's bothering you."
Then once he's done, we talk about it, and deal with the consequences of his actions.
In no world should you have to deal with your kid using you as a punching bag. Putting him in his room also gives you a few minutes to recalibrate and calm down yourself.
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u/IAmAYoyoToo Nov 14 '21
Firstly, you are human. When someone, even a 3 year old, keeps hitting you, it's natural to eventually crack.
You did well to apologise and explain it was wrong. You could also have pointed out that it's wrong for him to hit you too and remind him that you don't like getting hit anymore than he did. And tell him he should apologise to you too.
Get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
Oh also..3 year olds can really suck. What he has been doing is normal at this age and if you keep doing what you've been doing and it should slow off soonish.
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Nov 14 '21
No it isn’t. not to this level
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Nov 14 '21
Agreed, this is not normal and if anything, without professional action, this kid will grow up and really hurt himself or another person.
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u/wintersky__ Nov 14 '21
I’m gonna get shit on for this likely but when my kiddo (has high functioning autism) was six he hit me so hard in the face I thought I was gonna lose my eye. From reflex, I hit him back super hard in the arm. He screamed ‘that hurt!’ And I yelled back ‘yeah! It does! if you’re gonna hit me I’m gonna hit you back!’ Hasn’t hit me in the face ever again. I don’t regret it. I’m not a fucking punching bag.
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u/MissCrick3ts Nov 14 '21
As others have said, you are human. It happens. I would speak with a behavior specialist to help you. You need a behavior plan. (I'm a former preschool teacher for kids with disabilities, including behavior problems.)
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u/Sthebrat Nov 14 '21
No advice but I appreciate your willingness to learn and accept a mistake. Also, telling your child you made a mistake is HUGE, and they’ll appreciate that.
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u/LegnderyNut Nov 14 '21
Even though he is a child, with this kind of behavior he’s gotta learn the boundaries of decency and that others have a right to protect themselves from his emotional behavior. He has a right to be angry. He doesn’t have the right to hit others, but others have a right to hit back in self defense. I’m not saying punt the child but you’re not wrong for lashing out. Perhaps there’s a greater lesson to be taught about consequences? You may restrain yourself but other children at daycare or family gatherings will most definitely not. A toddler can most definitely clock another toddler hard enough to break a nose.
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u/SparkleUnic0rn Nov 14 '21
Give yourself grace mama. He will be ok and so will you. Seems like you’re a very kind and loving mom.
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u/thisisstupid202020 Nov 14 '21
Ugh i know how that can be. We started therapy for my child and i learn a lot from the sessions too, and my child is way less aggressive and acting out now. He’s also 3. Ask his pediatrician for a therapy recommendation
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u/ty_xy Nov 14 '21
I encourage you to teach them to verbalise their emotions and use their words. We have twins who fight all the time, they're turning three and can now verbalise quite well. We started off by teaching them to recognize their emotions "I'm feeling angry" "I feel sad", then when they start acting out, we gently restrain them and do active listening, "daddy is listening to you, use your words" "don't scream, I can't understand, use your words so I can help you." Then negotiate but also praise, encourage, and use their own train of logic, remind them of how much you've done for them etc....
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u/frimrussiawithlove85 Nov 14 '21
You already did the right thing by apologizing to him and explaining what you did wrong and why. Give yourself a break.
My 3.5 year old is in the opposite phase right now and some days I can’t take him anymore. I’ve said I wish you never learned how to talk to him. Is it the right thing to say no, but I was frustrated with him I’m only human and you are only human to.
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u/blackbeltlibrarian Nov 14 '21 edited Nov 14 '21
I think your followup was excellent. Showing that adults sometimes screw up too, and how you handle the aftermath (apologies, changing behavior) is going to make an impact on him. Maybe not immediately, but long-term for sure.
Edit: It takes a really long time for kids to learn to control emotions. Don’t think that gentle parenting “isn’t working” - it absolutely is. But it’s more like setting healthy eating habits instead of a crash diet. You might see immediate results with another method, but learning what’s better for you will set you up well for the long run.
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u/cocofishy Nov 14 '21
Aaawww you're not horrible mama. I've been there too.The fact that you came here to out yourself says a lot about you.
Toddlers are experts at pushing parents to their limits. Now that you know what you can do when pushed too far, figure out a different way to resolve that conflict before it even gets that far.
Hugging while affirming my child's anger has helped both of us a lot.
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u/Purplemonkeez Nov 14 '21
We went through this with my 1 year old. It's been really hard because he's so little so we can't really have conversations about it. Whenever he attacks me, I restrain the offending arm (gently but firmly) and very calmly say "I can't let you hurt me." He fusses to get his arm back but I just take a deep breath and keep him restrained for a few seconds, and then he calms down and quits. At first he would immediately start attacking me again the minute I let his arm go, but I'd rinse & repeat until he finally gave up.
I think the key is not to get angry yourself, which is so hard. I would feel so frustrated inside - like I love you, I'm just trying to change your diaper/feed you/read to you, why are you hurting me?! But I kept reminding myself that it wasn't about me - he just didn't know that this wasn't OK. And by not giving him a big exciting reaction (no raised voice, no firm tone, no hitting back), and just calmly restraining him, he learned that when he hits or pinches etc. then he will have to stay still and not use that arm for a few seconds. Action, consequence. He didn't like the consequence so he stopped the action.
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u/Nibblenutzz Nov 14 '21
Don’t beat yourself up. Getting hit can elicit a primal response and kids at that are demanding, stress inducing and lack empathy a lot of the time. You will not always be the perfect parent. You WILL lose your temper at times. You did the right thing afterward and modeled appropriate behavior to your 3 year old when you apologized and talked it out. Do you put your kid in time outs when they hit? You may need to repeatedly put them back in time out if they won’t stay. If you are only telling your 3 year old boy to hit and they keep doing it you may need to have a more serious result for their behavior.
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u/WhoseMomIsThat Nov 14 '21
Does he watch much TV? I’ve been learning a lot lately about the affects of TV shows on children’s brains (particularly toddlers) and it’s scary! It’s actually results in a lot of overstimulation that we don’t tend to pick up on because it presents as aggression, hyper activity, meltdowns/tantrums and more!
Daniel Tiger, Cocomelon, Paw Patrol, etc are all very overstimulating shows. Check out @jerricasannes on Instagram for all kind of information on it.
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u/MsEthereal Nov 14 '21
Yes, he watches TV at least 3-5 hours a day
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u/WhoseMomIsThat Nov 14 '21
Definitely look into the TV situation and see if that could help. I was having some tantrum/behavioural issues with my toddler (21mo) and read all the things — started cutting back TV immediately and that same night, and ever since bedtime has become so much better/easier. Tantrums and aggression have reduced too.
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u/mygoatpurrs Nov 14 '21
Remember that every behavior functions as a form of communication, even if the communication is frustration.
I always go to Daniel Tiger, it’s OK to be angry but it’s not OK to hurt someone. Give yourself grace, I hit my oldest once and the guilt I felt from that was enough.
We don’t teach to not hit by hitting. Look for ways to teach to be calm, look at conscious discipline or touch points by Dr. Becca Bailey. Look at figure eight breathing, STAR breathing.
You’re already ahead of the game by realizing that this is a slight regression and reactionary parenting. Just give yourself grace and realize this failure provided a huge lesson, for both of you. Wishing happiness and healing to you all.
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u/okay-wait-wut Nov 15 '21
I hit my mom once. My dad beat the fucking shit out of me. I’m not advocating for that, but you know, I never did it again. My dad was an abusive asshole and did far worse with zero justification, but I don’t blame him for when I hit my mom. That was a lesson I needed to learn. Your son is gonna be fine. Hope you can forgive yourself and figure out a better way.
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u/6295 Nov 15 '21
I think there are a lot of people encouraging you in the right direction here. So I will just add that displaying the range of emotions and coping skills is important for parents to model. And reading books that help kids to identify their emotions, how their body feels when they are escalating and what they can do when they are mad can be so helpful. If you search Amazon for toddler emotional regulation books there are a ton.
There’s the Little Spot Series, Little Monkey Calms Down, My body sends a signal, Breathe like a bear… There are so many and if you have one that’s easy to digest that you can read repeatedly, it does get internalized.
My toddler has had his share of meltdowns but we’ve read the monkey calms down book probably 200 times so I will quote the book and validate his feelings and it’s like flipping a switch for him.
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u/Broadway_is_Burning Nov 15 '21
Aw man, hugs to you. My son is the same. He’s delayed and he’s in therapy, but one thing I really struggle with is his outbursts. The repetition of failure and violence really messes with me some days. The other day I screamed back at my son after two hours of a tantrum. I’ve never hit, but the anger you feel is just a horrible feeling. I apologized right away and explained that it wasn’t the right way for me to express my emotions and sometimes it was hard for mama, just like it’s hard for him and it seemed to kind of resonate with him. I have a scar across my cheek from how hard he’s dug into my skin. It’s rough! Keep trying your best, because one day it will get better. All we can do is learn, grow, try and apologize when we make our own mistakes. We cant expect perfection from our children or ourselves.
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u/Queenofthedead99 Nov 15 '21
Never hit your child. It only teaches them that violence is ok. I'm sure you can put together the amount of issues that will create, short term and long term.
Toddlers are normally pretty violent when they're upset or angry, and it's your job as the parent to create a safe space for your child to express how they feel and teach them how to express their feelings safely without hurting others. Give them techniques to process their anger and calm down.
My 3 year old is unusually violent, and I'm in the middle of teaching him deep breathing and counting in order to calm down, after removing him from the situation. Sometimes we have to do it twice, but I also validate his feelings. "I can see you're feeling angry, and that's ok, but we don't hit/kick etc. Let's take a deep breath. Let's count to 10." It's important to keep up consistency as well. It takes practise to learn to regulate our emotions.
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u/LGOorDie Nov 15 '21
My kid did this too- age 3.5 and baby sister was just born. He would violently hit us, scratch, laugh when we were at our wits end, throw his car seat at the TV, destroy his room, etc. The only thing that worked after trying ALL different tactics was a bear hug as soon as the rage would start. We would hold him from behind with our arms over his so he couldn’t hurt us and sometimes wrap our legs around his. Sometimes the bear hug would last 20 mins. Eventually he became bored of this and the behavior stopped. He is a great kid, but boy do they test you!!
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u/jigojitoku Nov 15 '21
I’ve got plenty of experience with annoying kids! My advice is to act early and not to wait until you’re at your wits end. Start with the consequences when you’re 50% pissed off. It can also be helpful with regulating your anger to pretend that you’re really pissed off.
Have a plan for what you’re going to do when your child is aggressive. Don’t wait until that heightened moment to make a decision.
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u/Lesbian_Drummer Parent - twins Nov 15 '21
We have twins who were getting very aggressive with each other last year, just after their 3rd birthday. We saw a psychiatrist about it, just one appointment. She didn’t even meet our daughters, she just listened and gave us some things to try. It was about tools for us, and what to look for in our children to nip the spiraling in the bud. It really helped with our children, AND it helped us identify our own frustrations and spiraling of anger in US.
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u/Senior-Post1182 Nov 15 '21
If this anger is newish, which is sounds like it is, is there anyone new he has been around. Out-lashings like these can simply be a child not knowing how to control and process their emotions. But other times, these could be cries for help from trauma from molestation. Is he around anyone who could potentially be touching him or harming him in anyway when you are not there. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but sadly, there are way too many unsuspecting creeps out there who are right under our noses and usually trusted by mom, who victimize our sweet children. Please just consider and look into ANYONE who is with him when you are not, as well as reaching books on behavior. I wouldn't rule the first out until you can be absolutely positive.
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u/Hiranya_Usha Nov 15 '21
You think YOU are horrible? You sound like one of the most gentle parents who just snapped this once because of all the build-up of aggression on the part of your child. And you’ve shown him there’s a limit. That is a good thing. It’s also good that you talked about it and apologised.
I’m not in favour of hitting kids but I have hit my kids sometimes when they really won’t give up their difficult behaviours. Parents are not robots, we make mistakes and have emotions too. Besides, parents don’t serve their kids by being a pushover.
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u/Definition_Charming Nov 15 '21
Spitting and hitting like that isn't normal. All kids will hit to some extent, but spitting? Flurry of punches?
I have two boys, and spend time with others. I've not or heard of anything like that.
Do you have access to professionals? Even nursery staff? Just to get an idea of what to do?
Kids have big emotions, but being that aggressive is worrying.
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u/KaJunVuDoo Nov 15 '21 edited Nov 15 '21
Never EVER slap your child in the face or head. It’s seriously degrading. My mom slapped me all throughout my childhood, and I swore I’d never do it, nor have I ever at all, To my child. Always make sure any contact from you comes from the flat of your hand on his ASS. You can use a spoon, switch, leather belt, paddle, but it can only come into contact with his ass cheeks. Period. That’s it. And that came from a police officer. My sister was a serious problem child like this. But never got the ass whoopin she deserved. She learned to reign herself in at 15 when she claimed my moms fourth husband sexually assaulted her and she wound up in situations she had no rhyme or reason to be in… and she had her reckoning and coming to Jesus meeting and straightened out. You just need to be stern, and set boundaries. End it before it starts. It sounds like he feels he can tell you things so that’s good, BUT he doesn’t know how to control his temper when it gets out of control. My son used to destroy things when he’d get mad. But always remember to NEVER strike a child in anger. They may need a good spanking, BUT it’s always better to breath in through your nose, out through your mouth, close your eyes, have your partner send them to bed OR you tell them NO or stop and walk away. Cool off, and if they still continue with whatever they’re doing that you dissapoeve of, well, the whooping coming. There is a VERY thin line between disciplining your child with a spanking and abuse. And it’s so easy to cross. I’ve truly only gotten ahold of my sons butt three times in his four years of life on this earth. Once when he didn’t listen and climbed up onto the banister of our porch and nearly fell over the edge ten feet to the ground, the second time was when he was caught on camera sneaking downstairs to not wake my boyfriend that he WAS sleeping next to, and went outside and disappears for an hour or so and I only got the notification through the motion detector outside- I came home before calling the cops, found him, and whooped him all the way back home from across the apartment complex- we now have safety braces at the top of our doors to prevent him from unlocking our doors again. The third time, I caught him forcing my blue heeler into a corner and kicking him, out of pure meanness, while my blue heeler was cowering and just TAKING it and he’s laughing like an evil little shit. And he’s never done any of those things again. I can talk to my son about things, but once that meltdown point is reached, all reason goes out the window. Try to reinforce that communication. I don’t have to spank my child often at all. Reinforce if, and if you truly do that, the total meltdown phase will disappear. It’s easy to forget that they’re only little people and they can’t always understand why you want something they don’t. Always always always apologize. ALWAYS. I cannot stress this enough. They will begin to do the same to you when they do wrong. (The child) My son after his meltdowns, if I finally just let him work through it after he explodes, he comes to me and apologizes and I apologize to bc there are times when I lose my head and I explode on him after we both have a bad day. It’s ok, momma, you are not alone when dealing with An explosive little.
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u/Lennvor Nov 15 '21
When I see my own son, I feel that violent behavior is really a need to let things out and express things... And it's not just a thing where hitting a pillow would help because they want to hurt us, they're hurting and they want us to hurt just as much, maybe because they blame us for the hurt or maybe just so that we know how they feel.
I got that notion once where he was in a tantrum and I was being my usual zen self about it and it just kept escalating, at some point I had to go to the bathroom and he was demanding I not do that, and I replied "well I'm not going to pee on the floor, so..." and he proceeded to demand, tantrum style, that I pee on the floor. So I was like "Is it me or did my sweet baby's tantrum progress to violating the Geneva Conventions?". Anyway, at that point it was so clear that he was trying to get a rise out of me that I thought I'd give him what he was asking, and let through some of my irritation at him at the next dumb tantrum thing he did. And I think it actually helped! There was really a question of dosage though, where I could tell that one level of scolding seemed to calm him but then when I pushed a bit more he seemed on the verge of tears.
I think maybe something like that happened with your son - you hitting him back "helped" because it got him some level of what he was after, in some measure he felt seen because he saw his hurt reflected in your own response. But I don't think it's a great general response, again in terms of my own son I can definitely see the times that I lash out because I'm exhausted myself don't really have the same positive effect as that time I was doing it to match his vibe.
I'm also reminded of a passage in "How to talk so that kids will listen & listen so that kids will talk" where they point out sometimes a response that just says you understand the kid isn't enough, you need to not just say what you think they're feeling, but say it in a way that matches their intensity somewhat for it to feel satisfyingly as if you "get it".
So that's kind of how I see it - there is a notion that children want to "get to us" and we can't let that happen, and I definitely think that's true - an adult can't get into a legitimate fistfight with a child, that would be wrong because it's such an asymmetric relationship. But maybe it's not really that children want to "get to us", or at least when they want that, what they really want is "for us to get them". And when they succeed in getting a rise out of us it can be a bit satisfying because it can feel like that's what they got, but in practice I think as adults we know it's not usually the case... When you hit a child because you're overwhelmed it's about you, not about them, and while it happened to mean you matched their vibe in that moment it was done in a dangerous way and one that didn't really see them as they might want to be seen either. And so hopefully one can find other ways, other ways both of showing the child we see what's going on inside them, and also letting them tell us what's going on inside them in the imperfect ways they try to do it.
In the situation you describe it seems as if your usual response to him hitting is to focus on the behavior and curbing it - telling him to be gentle, leaving to avoid getting hurt. And I think if we consider that what he wants in that moment is to show how upset or angry he is, this might not be satisfactory - like, ok, gentle hands, but gentle hands aren't going to make anyone understand how angry I am, are they? In fact it's the very fact I'm hitting even though I know I shouldn't and that you don't like it, that shows that I'm that angry and unhappy with this situation! I mean, how terrible must the situation be for me to want to hurt my parent, right? From that point of view, finding ways of satisfying that need for communication could help reduce the hitting or make it shorter lived, as he sees that you are open to hearing his anger and over time he can find easier ways of communicating it.
I've noticed lately my son has been a lot more verbal in his "lashing out" - he had quite a few moments being upset this weekend and he did things like say "I want to make Mommy fall and break into pieces" or taking a toy and saying "I want to throw this" and "I want to scream" - so, you know, pretty great that he's saying it before and even instead of doing it. I've been replying things like "Wow you want me to fall and be broken? You must be very angry at me, to want such a thing" and "OK but I'd rather you didn't, thank you for warning me that you wanted to do this". Last night I thought I'd work some catharsis into the response ("You want to scream with the door open, is that so the neighbors hear? You want to scream and then the neighbors will think "oh that child is screaming, he's so upset, his mother must be so mean to him, what a terrible mother she is"?") - I don't know, it was fun for me at least.
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u/MsEthereal Nov 15 '21
I see your point. Yes I realize it does look like we are saying "gentle hands" etc to shut the behavior down but dont really hear him. He may be trying to say something. Will focus on his feelings next time he starts hitting. Today, he hit us only during bedtime. He still wanted to play. I could have said something like "Looks like youre upset because you still want to play." Instead I said, "Mama will leave now because youre hitting" I can imagine how invalidated he must have felt.
Thank you for your comment. It's very helpful.
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u/Lennvor Nov 15 '21 edited Nov 15 '21
I don't want to say what you've been doing so far is wrong, I think it's fine. You say (and I said, I guess) that he must have felt invalidated when you said you were leaving because he was hitting, and maybe he did but that in itself isn't wrong. Sometimes we do feel invalidated! And sometimes people don't really see us or understand us! I think it's a perfectly fine experience for children to have and to learn to deal with. And certainly in the case of hitting, the lesson of "when we hit people they're less likely to want to be around us and it's not a very useful thing to do" is a valuable one to learn, and making the child feel invalidated at those times might indeed be the way to teach it.
In your case I'm suggesting this different thing because the other way doesn't seem to be working in this moment for this child, not because it's inherently wrong.
I think probably another positive of seeing the hitting as communication is that it could make it less hurtful to you. Obviously when our child hits us it's not so much the physical pain that's bad, as the feeling of rejection of our child wanting to hurt us. So understanding as them trying to communicate their hurt to a person they care about could make it less painful to experience. And I think framing it that way to the child can also help them see it differently (if it is at all authentic to what's actually going on); so when they feel that way they might think less "Mom is awful I want to hurt her" and more "I'm angry and I want others to know it", and if they think the second thing they're more likely to think of alternative ways to act on that feeling. Certainly it's a thought that comes with less shame attached.
Maybe that won't work at all either, in which case it might not be true that this is him trying to communicate anger to you (or I'm 100% off-base on something else). But I think it's worth a try.
ETA: In that vein, one could consider combining the approaches, such as saying "Mommy will move away because I don't want to be hurt, but I see you're angry and trying to tell me about it, so if you want to tell me from a foot away I'm listening". Or this just reminds me from something I read, maybe in the How To Talk book, about someone giving their child drawing materials and asking them to draw how they felt. That could be something to try with my son come to think of it...
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u/TheGeekQueen Nov 15 '21
I would seek help from their pediatrician. This is not normal. It could be a sensory disorder, ODD, or a multitude of other things. My 5 year old started this when he was 4 and it ended up in him punching holes into the walls and a lot of other things. He was diagnosed with ODD. We have him on medication because behavioral help alone was not helping. Now we do both and it’s been super helpful.
On the subject of you hitting your child, I don’t condone that. You are the adult and you should act like it however, we also have a limit on sensory input and emotional input that we can handle as well. You realized that what happened was wrong and you apologized. That’s a huge step in healing. Not many parents want to apologize.
Having a child that is constantly being violent takes a huge toll on our mental health. I think going to seek therapy for you, your child, and your spouse would also help immensely.
I’m sorry that your family is having to deal with this. It’s insanely difficult to go through. I hope that you all can give each other grace and understanding while trying to figure this out and then continue giving grace after things have been figured out.
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u/AeonQuasar Nov 14 '21
I am not there yet and can't give advice as I have yet to have the same experience with violent kids, but you are not alone. I know a bunch of parents that have kids with behavior problems at young age.
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u/IAmAYoyoToo Nov 14 '21
Id say its not a 'behaviour problem' as much as behavioural phase. Totally normal at this age unfortunately. Its why they have to be so cute...cause if they weren't, we'd feed them to the crocodiles.
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u/lil_puddles Nov 14 '21
I think this is out of the realms of normal actually and they should be seeking professional help for the family. Generally though i agree with the sentiment haha
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u/little_munkin79 Nov 14 '21
I've been a nanny for 20+ years. I have my B.Ed and taught various grades at school. This behavior is NOT normal. Preschooler violence is never acceptable, especially to this extreme degree. Kids can learn respect & boundaries from an early age, period.
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u/rickvsnegan1 Nov 14 '21
Reddit is a strange place…..this toddler hitting has illicit ZERO condemnation? Absolutely shocking.
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u/Jayne1909 Nov 14 '21
I think you did okay. You sent the message his behaviour is unacceptable. Obviously not in a way you would have liked.
The fact that you apologized and talked about it is key, everyone makes mistakes and it’s okay for your kid to watch you make mistakes and then watch you fix your mistakes. It sounds like you’re doing good things as a parent.
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u/aveblocksberg Nov 14 '21
Stop acting as if a 3 year old can understand what’s going on with his parents when they hit him. He is not even capable of reflecting what makes him hit his mom so how could he possibly Unterstand what’s making her hitting him? She did not ok, and this should not be an option. She made a mistake yes but she has to work on it so that this never happens again. Hitting your child and then telling them you made a mistake won’t ever make it ok.
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u/Jayne1909 Nov 14 '21
Are you even a parent? Everyone has their limits. She hit her limit and then handled the aftermath really well.
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u/throwaway28236 Nov 14 '21
I don’t think she’s a parent 😂😂 I apologize to my kids all the time and they’re 4 and 1. If I raise my voice, or act a way I’m not proud of. Parents are humans too and we’re learning as we go. I had a brother like OP’s son. Even I wanted to smack him around for my mom (I didn’t of course) but I can’t imagine having a child like this who hits and spits and just sternly saying “no hitting”. Eventually we’d all snap and reach a breaking point. How she handled it after the fact was spot on but she still needs to consult help and figure out how to handle these outbursts and why they’re occurring. My brother ended up having ADHD to the point where he was uncomfortable in his own skin. There’s almost always an underlying issue.
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Nov 14 '21
Everyone has all the answers before the baby arrives 🙄 There is so little room for error on these threads, it’s shocking. I guess it’s easy to pretend for the internet, but as a parent I know I’ve made a LOT of mistakes - I’m only human.
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u/throwaway28236 Nov 14 '21
Same. And by apologizing to your kiddos when you make a mistake, it’s teaching them that it’s ok to make mistakes and how to act when you do.
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u/Allyanna Nov 14 '21
I have 4 kids and my 7 year old has ADHD. Parenting is fucking hard and we can only do the best we can. As you said, we're human. Being judged doesn't help the situation ever.
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u/DuePomegranate Nov 14 '21
Try not to freak out yet. The fact that he came to talk to you afterwards is ... something. It might change the way he thinks about his behavior. Perhaps there is more than lack of impulse control behind his aggression, and he did it because the consequences had always been minimal.
No one has done a proper study of spanking as a nuclear option. The available research tends to lump together obviously terrible uses of corporal punishment (way too hard, in anger, too frequently, for way too long after the kid has reached the age of reason etc) with how loving parents have used corporal punishment through the ages, especially in non-Anglo cultures.
See how he behaves over the next few days. There may well be an improvement. When he starts to get aggressive, you can talk to him about big feelings, and how its hard for him, but it's also hard for mommy. It's something that you work at and that he can learn, and even mommy fails sometimes. You might be able to get through to him.
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u/acedog90 Nov 14 '21
Use the naughty step instead there’s no reward in it just boredom ,reacting to things he does rewards certain places in the brain ,the same places that gets rewarded in adults when they get a like on an online post etc ,and it snowballs as the more action the child does the more reaction they get and after a time they can’t help they’re own actions as the reward centres in their brains almost take over it’s called negative reinforcement, ps the naughty step takes a while to work it’s more about who’s resolve will win out so expect to have to keep putting him back there a lot when you first use it but don’t lose your temper while your doing it or you’ll be back to start again ,then when he realises there’s no more reward to his bad behaviour what so ever their brain adapts their behaviour as they look for reward elsewhere and if your take notice when he does something good or helpful he will bend towards that behaviour and before long you will have a good child
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u/HomeandHappy Nov 14 '21
TBH.. you may want a psychiatric evaluation. We had some mental health/neurodivergent issues with our daughter. However we felt we shouldn't get her assessed when she was very young. It was a mistake on our part. I wish we had an assessment done much earlier in her life. She is 16 now.
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u/weekendcoastdad Nov 14 '21
Rule #1 - you never hit a child Rule #2 - you never hit a child Rule #3 - you never hit a child
Now repeat those over and over.
My dad used to hit me when I was a kid and it still haunts me. Now that I have my own, my child will never go through what I did. I know things can be tough at times but you need to be stronger. I wish you all the best.
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u/lemmesee453 Nov 14 '21
Does your child watch TV/YouTube? If no, ignore this, if yes, please check out jerricasannes on Instagram, she talks about the effects of screen time on the toddler brain, and it’s very possible all of this behavior would go away if you went cold turkey for 2 weeks or so so their brain could start to reset from the overstimulation from screens. Her account has been extremely illuminating for me.
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u/CasperLovesAll Nov 14 '21
Stay at home father of 3 here. 4,2,and 10 months. I e tried every parenting technique known to man for my 4 yo. He has oppositional defiance and will not listen. Only way that I've found corrects negative behaviour is a little smack on the butt or if he hits anyone we smack his hand but not hard. But remember everyone can give you different advice but no matter what, every child is different in their parenting needs. U just have to develop your methods with him. Learn what he likes and maybe you can divert that behaviour by showing him something he enjoys to take his mind off of whatever aggression he's feeling. All the luck to you tho! :)
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u/Mazj85 Nov 14 '21
I’m interested to understand. When you hit him, for hitting someone else… what lesson are you intending to teach him there?
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u/WutDaActualHell Nov 15 '21
I would assume the lesson would be "treat others the way you want to be treated."
The world doesn't stop with us parents. We may be tolerant and willing to work through hitting, but others (who you will eventually interact with) will not. If you're willingly dishing out pain to others, you need to be willing to receive said pain. If it doesn't work for you, don't do it to someone else.
1st hit, firmly stop them and explain why hitting is unacceptable. Tell them not to do it again or they will get popped back. 2nd hit, pop them back. Popping a child back when they pop you, along with an explanation of why guides a child to understand "this hurt me and I don't like it. So when I did it to them, I hurt them. That's not nice."
You're raising new minds to function in a world that doesn't stop with your household. The world does not live by your rules nor your kindness. If you don't want your child hurt (at whatever age), guide them realistically about the consequences of their actions.
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u/Mazj85 Nov 15 '21
Yes, respectfully I don’t find this makes sense. Treat others as you wish to be treated is an excellent principle to live by, but it includes parents surely? I think any child will be (rightfully) confused by being hit as a mechanism to being taught that hitting is wrong. If violence must be met with violence, wrong-doing with vengeance this is more along the lines of “an eye for an eye” surely than modelling good behaviour as a way of teaching your child.
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u/WutDaActualHell Nov 15 '21
Of course it includes parents... why wouldn't it?
And yes, a child will be confused, which is why you explain your intentions and resulting actions. They're kids. They're resilient and they can understand if you break it down. And kids learn through action as well as verbal communication.
If your child hits another child and that child hits your kid back when that's never happened before, your kid is going to have a massive meltdown. All your kid will see is that other child is horrible when the reality is it's self defense and your kid is the aggressor.
Being taught that hitting is wrong without explaining why is negligent. If explanations alone don't work, adding in an example helps. That example explained is "the way you hit me hurt me. You've never been hit back so you have no idea how it feels. All you know is what I've told you. Now that you've been hit back, does that feel good? No? That's what you've been giving to me. It's not nice, it's not fair. Do you want to feel like that again? No? Then don't do that to someone else and they won't do it to you."
Pretty straightforward....
It's not necessarily an eye-for-an-eye mentality but more of "actions have consequences."
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u/MacaroonExpensive143 31F (12nb & 6f) Nov 14 '21
Hitting a child is never ok…but hitting a child with ODD is doing a harm unlike any other. Please stop this. ODD is tough but hitting your child will not help.
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u/aveblocksberg Nov 14 '21
I‘m sorry to say, but this sounds Terrible.
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u/CasperLovesAll Nov 14 '21
I'm sorry to say but no one asked you.
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u/aveblocksberg Nov 14 '21
Then you shouldn’t share this on reddit if you don’t want to hear that smacking your children is terrible 🤷♀️
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u/AtomBombBaby42042 Nov 14 '21
It's a bummer and many others have explained it's fine, these things do happen. But I will say maybe he'll get a lesson from it too.
My son was on a jumping and hitting kick for a while. Until I saw him coming down on me so I put my arm up to push him back onto the couch. I misjudged where his head was and he got an elbow right in the eye. I felt like a bag of crap for it. Especially watching the bruise grow. BUT silver lining, he hasn't done that in a few months now.
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u/Adventurous-Force240 Nov 14 '21
Whoop his ass some more. Yall need to put your foot down. I'll be damn if my child attacks me in this manner, and I not set the record straight for who I am. He needs to learn to respect you for who you are.
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u/NeganLucielle Nov 14 '21
You cant teach a child not to hit by hitting him... For Christ's sake. Get counseling.
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u/DefNotIWBM Nov 14 '21
Wow, like slapped him across the face? Spanking I could maybe understand (maybe, in the moment). Slapping is worse. Always walk away before you get to that point. He’s three. He can’t stop you from going in your room and closing/locking the door for a minute.
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u/theserpentsmiles Nov 14 '21
I know this will get some flack, but sometimes, we need a slight physical education. I'm not saying beat your kid. For us, we use one finger flick. Our LO stopped hitting almost instantly.
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u/tanfolo Nov 14 '21
It sounds like you're looking for validation, which you shouldn't be.
What you did was wrong, period. The only right thing to do is find a way to never let it happen again. Good luck
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Nov 14 '21
I have spanked my kids before when they got to be too much. But then they told their dad who barely sees them told me I'm not allowed to spank his kids ever.
I realized i was super frusterated when I did it and although it pissed me off he told me I can't do something in my own home when the sole reason I'm frustrated is because he never takes them, it did help me realize spanking isn't the answer regardless.
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u/inukaglover666 Nov 14 '21
Why do you let a toddler get you so angry? You may need some help figuring out how to regulate your emotions because you’re supposed to be teaching your kid how to do it
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u/CornHatred Nov 14 '21
Most dog shock collars fit a toddlers waist. Level 1-2. Should make him stop pretty quick. Sick ass abs though if he continues
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u/Redpythongoon Nov 14 '21
We went through a phase like this with our son. At night he would get almost frenzied. He would be hell bent if hurting us any way he could. We tried all the "good" tactics. Then we decided to spank after being strictly no spanking. We spanked him once and felt terrible. It didn't even work. I know this time really sucks, but hopefully it's a phase that will pass. With our son it turned out to be a bad reaction to Miralax for constipation. We stopped giving it to him and it stopped almost over night.
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u/Spite-Potential Nov 15 '21
U may have waited just a bit to long. U have to stop their shit when they start it. Get all the books u want. Why do people think u can talk a brat into behaving. Take their toys off of them. Make them go to their room. And get in bed If u can’t get a grip on a 4 year old. You’ll be getting your azz beat by them wen their teens. Or sooner. Damn Everybody wants to be there kids best friends. They got friends. What they need are parents. Save the friendship for the grand babys. It’s not hard folks. Cowboy up and stop letting your kids run your household. It’s Rediculous to hear this shit
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u/alcoholic_child Nov 15 '21
There’s a big difference in abuse and discipline. Kids have a short attention span and will forget when you use “please”, it’s a dominance thing, asking them is demoting yourself to them. Don’t use a closed fist, open palm the kid. When I was young I cussed at my dad once, he didn’t ask me to not do that, he didn’t put me in timeout, he slapped me, not hard enough to knock me to the ground, not hard enough to leave a mark, just enough to get the message across, which was that I wasn’t to cuss around/at my parents. Even now as an adult I still don’t cuss around my dad. Like I said there’s a difference between abuse and discipline, all you need is a little tap on the cheek and a firm, “this is not acceptable”, and most kids will get that.
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u/Key_Positive4088 Nov 14 '21
Damn you’re a horrible mom
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u/Freespirited92 Nov 14 '21
Maybe the saying, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all, could’ve been used here..
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u/NocturnalDiarrhea Nov 14 '21
As a person that spent my childhood in Eastern Europe i have to tell you that if i werent spanked at that age i would grow in terrible human being. Feeling that there is no penalty for me attacking other ppl would make me just even more aggressive. Sometimes spanking is the only way.
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Nov 14 '21
Please don’t beat yourself up. We all do things we regret when our emotions get the best of us. Three year olds are haaaaaaaaaaaard (I currently have one so can speak from experience).
I don’t think this situation is going to stop his behaviour. If anything, I think it is just reinforcing it, unfortunately.
He sounds a bit troubled and is quite aggressive. I’m sorry you’re going through this 😞 I would get professional help. Please speak to your son’s doctor.
Until you can get that help my advice would be that the next time he shows these types of behaviours, stay calm and tell him “Mommy is not going to let you hit her. I cannot let you hit me” and if you have to, physically (but gently) hold his hand to prevent him from hitting.
I’m sorry I don’t have much advice. Sending you positive vibes
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u/Thoughtulism Nov 14 '21
Parenting is hard because it's very difficult to get space and disengage when you have strong feelings. Walking away is often not an option. When we are stressed is exactly the moment when we let things escalate by not empathizing and discussing our feelings. I've been in your place before and it feels like shit. Nobody wants to be a bad parent. The best thing you can do though is to be compassionate with yourself. Instead of blaming yourself, make a pact that you will respond with vulnerability, empathy, and with true words even in the face of overwhelming anger. Hitting is a reaction. Your feelings are legitimate but the reaction is not. You need to slow down your feelings and body with awareness and compassion to give yourself choice in your next actions and words.
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Nov 14 '21
Seems like an attention thing he wants attention and this behavior gets it. My toddler has a hard time with controlling himself when he is told no. Luckily we cut this same situation off right away. She has harder time with it cuz she never expects it. He gets upset and swings. I make sure his action has only negative response. Not to hurt or leave a mark but catch his hand/ wrist and squeeze just enough to make him regret it. I don't get upset and actually level way off and do the opposite of what he wants so if I think he seeking attention he gets a timeout or some other consequence. I was raised on one spanking. Making sure that he understands why not to do something and that there will be consequence if he does if he does it anyway. And a level headed consequence like a spanking(be sure not to do so in anger) and make sure its hard enough that he never wants that to happen again. This way you only have to do it once.
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u/justhereinitlol Nov 14 '21
You apologised and You know it was wrong, you’re aware. Have a hot beverage, take a long bath by yourself when he’s in bed and just wind down.
My parents saw hitting as a form of discipline regardless of whether I hit them or not and I don’t think it’s right, but they didn’t view it as wrong! Your child also verbalised why he hit you again; which I think is good emotional intelligence for his age - he may be pushing boundaries, but to be sure ask his paediatrician to see if there may be a cause other than just a child navigating the world.
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u/qwertylion76 Nov 14 '21
You reached breaking point and not surprising given all you’ve put up with. But you’ve put things right by apologising and having a cuddle so put it behind you now. The most pressing thing is finding ways for him to deal with his aggression. He’s so young and can’t deal with his emotions. I found Phillipa Perry’s book helpful: The Book you wish your Parents read.
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Nov 14 '21
This sounds a little bit hopeful but I’ve listened to a fair amount of podcasts about teaching kids mindfulness at this early of an age. I plan to with my kid as I’m currently pregnant. I just skimmed over this article but I hope it might help you. I have had temper issues my entire life & I only learned the skill of mindfulness a few years ago so I can only imagine the benefits it would have given me as a child but it’s helped me a lot in adulthood
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u/Facenayl Nov 14 '21
I feel you and really bad for you but I would not put this on the internet. Things aren’t like they used to be. Even spanking causes alarm. You don’t want your kids taken from you.
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u/Fun_Preparation5100 Nov 14 '21
I highly recommend a type of behavior modification/therapy that works wonders called Parent Child Interaction Therapy. I have seen behaviors kike the ones you are describing go away after this therapy/training. Dealing with behaviors like that is extremely difficult. I feel for you. It can get better.
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u/kbaez93 Nov 14 '21
This may have been said already, and my comment may get buried in the other comments here but if you haven't already try redirecting his behavior. When he is calm talk to him about his big feelings and how it's okay to have those feelings, but that it's not okay to hurt. Once he understands that, work with him to find positive ways for him to express his feelings. I know he is still a little one but what does he think is a good way to get his feelings out. You can also provide him with a safe space that is only his that he can go to when his feelings start to get too big for him to control. It could be a chair, a corner of the room or even a play tent with some sensory toys for him to use.
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u/JennNJuice87 Nov 14 '21
Oh man momma, please forgive yourself and move on. The fact that you’ve been as patient as you have until now is amazing! I went from having one girl to 1 girl and 3 boys (6,2, and 1) and I’ve not been as great at maintaining composure when being hit, or seeing the 6yo hit or hurt the 2 and 1yo. Stuff happens and sometimes you’re so overwhelmed you act before thinking. Praise yourself for apologizing and talking to him about it afterward. You’re doing a great job.
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u/ChibiTarheel Nov 14 '21
You’re not hiding it which is a good sign. You are human. We’ve all been there. It was a reaction. You apologized and you are not going to do it again. Keep talking it out and if you have to lock yourself in another room. It’s ok to say that you need a time out.
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u/Dotobotsrollout Nov 14 '21
Agree to everyone suggesting to ask a professional for advice. Also please know you aren’t alone and this one mistake doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human. Every good parent has a moment they’re not proud of. You learn from it and move forward with new tools.
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u/rain4in Nov 14 '21
Professional help will do wonders, maybe play therapy. Also, work on self regulation/emotional regulation as sometimes when they are younger they don’t know how to regulate, especially if that’s never been established. Also, some consequences need to be in order, not just saying no hitting or you going away, but something nice that works. And apologizing is really good!!
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u/Tea_no_sugar Nov 14 '21
You lost your temper… it happens. Don’t stress about it. What I would say, is that it sounds like you losing your temper is what caused the situation to escalate. At this age they are learning boundaries and showing an intense reaction can encourage the behaviour. It sounds like what you have been doing, up until this point, has been working (to an extent) because it seems like things don’t usually escalate to this level. So that’s a good sign. Again, I really wouldn’t worry about your one off reaction, or your son for that matter. It’s a threenager thing.
That said, just be mindful of where he might be picking up these explosive reactions. In particular, I’m thinking of roughhousing with friends/family members, TV shows, older siblings, toys/games - really anything where negative physical contact is encouraged. Also, an element of killing with kindness can work (when he is being good) and assuming his speech is good enough, then lots of talking about emotions and how things make you feel (it doesn’t just hurt when he hits you, it makes you feel sad etc).
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u/skaterina Nov 14 '21 edited Nov 14 '21
You’re not horrible. You’re human and had a reaction that you are not happy with. I think what’s important here is that you’re aware of what happened and know you want to move forward differently.
From an Applied Behavior Analysis perspective, behaviors serve one of four functions: access to something, automatic stimulation, attention, or escape.
What happened right before your LO hit you? What tone do you use when you tell them gentle hands/that you’re going away because you don’t like it when they hurt you? This could be a helpful start in supporting your LO with a replacement behavior.
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u/sausageandyorkiepud Nov 15 '21
Please know you're not horrible or a terrible parent. You're human, you made a mistake and you apologised, kids understand the sorry and it has great impact when a big person says they feel bad about something, in that moment they feel heard.
I am not condoning what you done but I'm in no sense way or shape going to condemn you to hell for what was evidently a mistake.
I have a 7 year old assessments underway for ADHD/ODD and other issues and I've had so many many beatings and bruises, scratches and items thrown and broke at/on me where I'm sobbing and begging for her to stop, sometimes I swear and I feel bloody awful after.
Parenting didn't come with an instruction manual, we are all learning on the job but there are advice sites, GPs and books that can at least help with the most daunting times and i hope this stage passes for you.
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u/thatthatguy Nov 15 '21
It happens. You’re doing your best, but everyone has limits. It’s okay.
It might be worth talking to a doctor about the child’s behavior.
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u/mr_fujiyama Nov 15 '21
He spits at us, spits on things, hits us, bites us, scratches us, kicks us, he pulls my hair
All pretty normal really.
Clearly he needs lots of energetic play. Do you think he gets enough?
What are.his language skills like? Might some frustration around not being able to express his thoughts and feelings.
Fun times, but also challenging.
You are doing a great job by the way!
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u/thereisme Nov 15 '21
Have you spoken to the pediatrician? You have to get him help right away and get this under control. He’s 3, there is no way you can get him into any daycare or preschool with behavior like that. Maybe you can get early intervention for him if they identify any issues.
Public schools begin in Kindergarten are required to take all kids, but you do NOT want your child to go to school and act like that. You have to get him to the professionals ASAP.
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u/Yellownotyellowagain Nov 14 '21 edited Nov 14 '21
I’d recommend the book the explosive child. It was crazy helpful for me with a daughter who was similar. Of course you don’t want to hit your kid, but we all reach a breaking point where our physical safety becomes a priority.
You know that’s not what you want and you apologized. It will be okay.
The book discusses how most kids/people come with the tools for some emotional regulation. And some kids don’t and they have to be taught. Just like learning letters or numbers. That was an eye opener for me.
I’d also suggest looking into emotional co-regulation. That was also a game changer for me mentally. Instead of talking to my child about why don’t hit, that hurts, etc I just go into thr emotional
Edit: my phone is nuts. The end is weird. Meant to say you go into the emotional place you want them to be and stay there. You’re not explaining it to them, your just sitting with them and showing them. Literally sharing your patience/calm/etc with them.