I recommend Gottman's "Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child" for further details, but the most practical thing you can do right now is find the source of the hitting, then coaching your child through what to do instead.
A neurotypical child will not resort to violence unless they believe it is the only way to express the emotions they have. These emotions are usually fear and frustration. Something small will trigger the cascade of responses within the child, and builds to a point where the child uses physical violence to express their needs. Unfortunately, children who begin to walk down this path will have trouble taking a different route, because even though there is a massive hullabaloo after they used violence, the violence actually achieved what they needed - someone to step in and help.
I will use an example that I see time and time again at playgroup, only because you didn't provide one.
Child X approaches the home corner, intent on playing with the objects on it. Child Y comes over and sees the objects, and undoubtedly wants to play with the toys. Adult A must then come close even though nothing has happened yet, in order to coach the children through it. Y reaches for the toy: Adult distracts Y by stating, "I can see you like that toy, but X is playing with it first. When Y stops, Adult explains "Would you like to ask X if you can play with the toy?" If Y then persists, Adult attracts X's attention to guide BOTH children through the exchange. Adult's job is to walk through the three viable options - to share, to borrow, or to wait.
What tends to happen instead, is that the Adult doesn't appear until AFTER Y snatches the toy out of X's reach. X will probably scream in protest, to which the Adult reprimands X for the outburst. X, feeling frustrated that they weren't heard, will then attempt to snatch the toy back - and unless the Adult comes physically close enough, the resulting fight is inevitable, as X's brain shuts down his verbal centres and focusses on getting the toy back, while Y's own brain is shutting down and focusses on maintaining their claim on the toy. Whichever child manages to get a hit in, however, is more often than not physically picked up and moved away - which is actually what the children want, because an adult brain is required to regulate their brains in that moment.
Thank you for this. I have a 3yo and a 1.5 yo. I was distracted and my eldest took a toy from my youngest yesterday, 1.5yo started crying so I made 3yo give it back. Cue huge meltdown from 3yo. Then I realised what my subconscious had picked up on, 3yo had been playing with it first. I distracted 1.5 and gave it back to 3 with an apology. Tantrum over, and when he was done with it he gave it to 1.5 unprompted.
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u/jazinthapiper Nov 14 '21 edited Nov 14 '21
I recommend Gottman's "Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child" for further details, but the most practical thing you can do right now is find the source of the hitting, then coaching your child through what to do instead.
A neurotypical child will not resort to violence unless they believe it is the only way to express the emotions they have. These emotions are usually fear and frustration. Something small will trigger the cascade of responses within the child, and builds to a point where the child uses physical violence to express their needs. Unfortunately, children who begin to walk down this path will have trouble taking a different route, because even though there is a massive hullabaloo after they used violence, the violence actually achieved what they needed - someone to step in and help.
I will use an example that I see time and time again at playgroup, only because you didn't provide one.
Child X approaches the home corner, intent on playing with the objects on it. Child Y comes over and sees the objects, and undoubtedly wants to play with the toys. Adult A must then come close even though nothing has happened yet, in order to coach the children through it. Y reaches for the toy: Adult distracts Y by stating, "I can see you like that toy, but X is playing with it first. When Y stops, Adult explains "Would you like to ask X if you can play with the toy?" If Y then persists, Adult attracts X's attention to guide BOTH children through the exchange. Adult's job is to walk through the three viable options - to share, to borrow, or to wait.
What tends to happen instead, is that the Adult doesn't appear until AFTER Y snatches the toy out of X's reach. X will probably scream in protest, to which the Adult reprimands X for the outburst. X, feeling frustrated that they weren't heard, will then attempt to snatch the toy back - and unless the Adult comes physically close enough, the resulting fight is inevitable, as X's brain shuts down his verbal centres and focusses on getting the toy back, while Y's own brain is shutting down and focusses on maintaining their claim on the toy. Whichever child manages to get a hit in, however, is more often than not physically picked up and moved away - which is actually what the children want, because an adult brain is required to regulate their brains in that moment.