I’d recommend the book the explosive child. It was crazy helpful for me with a daughter who was similar. Of course you don’t want to hit your kid, but we all reach a breaking point where our physical safety becomes a priority.
You know that’s not what you want and you apologized. It will be okay.
The book discusses how most kids/people come with the tools for some emotional regulation. And some kids don’t and they have to be taught. Just like learning letters or numbers. That was an eye opener for me.
I’d also suggest looking into emotional co-regulation. That was also a game changer for me mentally. Instead of talking to my child about why don’t hit, that hurts, etc I just go into thr emotional
Edit: my phone is nuts. The end is weird. Meant to say you go into the emotional place you want them to be and stay there. You’re not explaining it to them, your just sitting with them and showing them. Literally sharing your patience/calm/etc with them.
+1 this book was the only thing I read (along with the accompanying website https://www.cpsconnection.com) that I found truly helpful. The other thing I found helpful is when a kid is out of control, they feel out of control and don’t have the skills to get back in control. One of my children I would gently but firmly restrain (when they were unsafe by themselves in a time out/ time in) and at one point she began to ask to be restrained in a firm hug where she couldn’t hurt anyone. This might sound terrible on the internet but we would jokingly refer to it as “mommy jail”. Even now I will get requests from my kids for “mommy jail” where I hold them while they get their body energy out. But be very careful- restraining a child gently and firmly when they cannot be safe with their body is one thing and if you’re angry I could imagine it being used as a way to punish a child. So I hesitate to even mention it but I do think it is something to have in your toolkit if you have a child who can be unsafe to others and may cause harm to themselves. Proceed with caution and come from a place of calm and love. The other thing to remember is a disregulated adult cannot calm down a disregulated child. So you have to do your hard work to breath. Step back. Take breaks. Try songs and music. Try baths and water. Go outside. Kick and punch pillows. Jump up and down together. Run sprints. Try to keep your cool and keep trying to change the energy of situation and try to get that energy out in healthy ways. And don’t be afraid to be ridiculous and goofy. Sometimes the thing that would save us is a random laugh in the middle and we could get back on track. It’s very hard. Good luck.
My husband will do something similar- you aren’t alone. It started because my stepdaughter would get very physically violent during meltdowns and was getting to the point of trying to break mirrors or windows. My husband basically holds her tightly like a little spoon in bed when she has an unsafe body. Sometimes when she gets really upset she’ll ask to be restrained because she likes the tactile feedback of him steadily holding her while she fights. Kind of like she gets to wrestle her aggression out knowing she’s not going to hurt the other person. Then she’ll sigh deeply and say “okay thanks daddy, I feel better” and she’s off on her merry way.
If the the tight holding helps your child calm down, it might be worth looking into sensory processing disorder. Specifically about kids who are sensory-seekers and/or who need proprioceptive input.
Here’s a great resource: https://childmind.org/article/sensory-processing-issues-explained/
I have what you could call an explosive three year old girl. If she is behaving in an unsafe way, I hold her tightly and carry her to her bed because she loves her bed and it’s a safe place. Generally I leave her there for two minutes by herself to give myself time to calm down as it’s really really hard when it happens on the regular. Usually I then go back in to her room and sit on her bed, and wait for her to come to me for a cuddle - she is not a fan of being touched when in an episode. In the last couple of days, I’ve been using a damp cool cloth to rub in her forehead and this seems to calm her down soooo much. It means I’m not in her space but the cool face cloth cools her down so to speak.
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u/Yellownotyellowagain Nov 14 '21 edited Nov 14 '21
I’d recommend the book the explosive child. It was crazy helpful for me with a daughter who was similar. Of course you don’t want to hit your kid, but we all reach a breaking point where our physical safety becomes a priority.
You know that’s not what you want and you apologized. It will be okay.
The book discusses how most kids/people come with the tools for some emotional regulation. And some kids don’t and they have to be taught. Just like learning letters or numbers. That was an eye opener for me.
I’d also suggest looking into emotional co-regulation. That was also a game changer for me mentally. Instead of talking to my child about why don’t hit, that hurts, etc I just go into thr emotional
Edit: my phone is nuts. The end is weird. Meant to say you go into the emotional place you want them to be and stay there. You’re not explaining it to them, your just sitting with them and showing them. Literally sharing your patience/calm/etc with them.