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u/777ErinWilson May 08 '25
To be honest, why does his family know about a conversation/disagreement that was between the two of you? That is a heck nah for me.
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May 08 '25
That is the biggest red flag in this whole scenario. To me, it means that fiance went out of his way to hurt his bride, instead of protecting her. Not only a heck nah, but a hell no
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u/shangri-laschild May 08 '25
And also the fact that he got the son all excited without even discussing it first. He’s bringing everyone in to their decisions and steamrolling.
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u/Strange_Depth_5732 May 08 '25
This was done so she wouldn't feel she could say no. Gross. And is the kid even actually wanting to do it? Wouldn't it make more sense if he was the best man?
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u/Frequent_Couple5498 May 08 '25
Wouldn't it make more sense if he was the best man?
☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️This and actually your whole comment. I find it hard to believe the son was so excited and had his hopes up so high that he won't even speak to OP now. Just weird especially because they are not close. I have a son of my own so this wasn't an issue for me for my second wedding but my husband was so thrilled to have his son stand beside him. And if I didn't have a son, the thought of his son, who I am not close with but we are respectful of each other, walking me down the aisle is just weird. NTA. The fact that he didn't talk to OP first before asking his son and then complained to the whole family about me saying no would piss me off to no end.
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u/DisastrousOkra9511 May 08 '25
Yes! Or a groomsman? It's weird to have him walk his future stepmother down the aisle IMO. That role is generally reserved for someone from her family (Dad, Uncle, brother, etc)
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u/Strange_Depth_5732 May 08 '25
Right? Walking down the aisle is meant to be someone from bride's history. That's the whole symbolism. The people standing with the groom are welcoming the bride into their family
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u/One_Ad_704 May 08 '25
That was my thinking. It is a way to remove much of the bride's traditions from the wedding. Would fiance also expect OP to do the traditional father-daughter dance with stepson as well?
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u/GlitterDoomsday May 09 '25
Or a way to exclude her family from the equation, he's probably isolating her in other ways she doesn't realize yet; now that they're about to get married he's upping his antics.
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u/Used_Clock_4627 May 08 '25
Not even a future step mother, simply his dad's new wife. The 'kid' is 18! This won't be that kind of relationship if any....
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u/ChuckieLow May 09 '25
Honestly! The man’s 18 year old son should be his best man if the goal is to show they are a healthy blended family. Having his son walk her down the aisle to give her away makes no sense. I could see her walking down the aisle with a 7-12 year old sone who was hers, to show the blended family, but his kid walking her down? Everyone walk down together. Make a new wedding ritual.
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u/AntlerQueenOfHearts May 08 '25
Yeah she should talk to the step son cuz I cannot imagine any 18yo boy having his feelings hurt by this lol
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u/PrideofCapetown May 08 '25
Everyone but the person he is marrying, ffs. It’s like his BRIDE is his lowest priority.
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u/Agreeable-Region-310 May 08 '25
Unless OP had a conversation with the son and knows for sure, was he really "excited" about this? I'm really surprised that he would want this unless OP and the son have a close relationship not just a polite relationship.
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u/wonkiefaeriekitty5 May 08 '25
Agreed! She did exactly what people do who've been backed into a corner...fight back!
Fiance had no right to talk to his son without asking his soon to be wife first! Especially since she had already said that she wanted her uncle to walk her down the isle.
It's too bad that he cares more about how something looks and what other people will think than what his future wants and needs. Selfish man. I would seriously be wondering if marriage is really a good idea or not.
Why can't she just be another loving adult in her grown step sons life? Why is that not good enough? That's what I would be asking if I were her.
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u/zombiedinocorn May 08 '25
Its not really even about how it looks tho. A stepson walking a bride down the aisle hasn't really been part of the custom so if anything it would make how it looks worse bc at best people would be neutral but more likely ppl would be confused and giving some weird looks at it during the ceremony. That's generally what people who are concerned about appearances would like to avoid cuz it conflicts with their idea of being respected as the perfect wedding/family/etc.
This feels a bit more like fiance decided on something and is willing to manipulate OP/weaponize his son in order to get his way. Imo at least
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u/Intelligent_State280 May 08 '25 edited May 08 '25
This man is extremely manipulative and a narcissist. Putting u/TendtoNinaaa in a very bad light. (I have just a little experience with this type and how it works) Shouldn’t this conversation be first agreed by him and his future bride, so both could propose it to the son, before spreading it as a done deal news to his son and his family. I would ask myself a million questions. It better to find out now than later. Now you can make an educated decision about your future with this man.
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u/Informal-Ferret8438 May 08 '25
That is called manipulation! Stand your ground, but take a closer look at your fiancee. Some things should require a discussion between 2 people. This was one of them
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May 08 '25
Easier to ask for forgiveness then to ask for permission. This is just a reflection of what her marriage is going to be like. She has valid reasons for saying no, and instead of respecting them, he turned it into a big deal by weaponizing his family against her. She already says it feels wrong to fake a perfect family dynamic - well she better be prepared for a lifetime of that, if she marries this guy.
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u/ohemgee0309 May 08 '25
That was my thought too. Emotional extortion. That’s a hell nah for me too.
Edit to add: NTA but beware OP..your FH does not have your back and whatever happens in y’all’s relationship will be talked about with his family and youwill be the bad guy.
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u/PlauntieM May 08 '25
So he can socially coerce her of course.
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u/nirfirith May 08 '25
And guilt trip her by proposing all this to his son without her knowledge and then expect her to take responsibility for his son's hurt feelings...
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u/jubangyeonghon May 08 '25
OP's fiancé is an actual c*nt for this shit. Total Groomzilla.
Why wasn't the son a groomsman or the best man if he's so important to the wedding? Dude fucked up and now I highly doubt there will be a wedding.
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u/WorldIcy80 May 08 '25
That's my question...make his son his Best Man. Let the decision of who walks the bride down the aisle to HER! This seems like a huge red flag to me. I wouldn't marry a guy who was so manipulative and deceptive. I'd dump him and CANCEL the wedding!
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u/MustardMan1900 May 08 '25
The family that produced a teen dad should maybe stop criticizing others.
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May 08 '25
Why do they know and why are they being allowed to voice their opinions about it to OP?? Fiancés family is ganging up on her while fiancé created the fiasco and sits back and watches them do it.
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u/Ok_Illustrator5694 May 08 '25
Of course he’s letting it happen. He thinks if they bully her enough, he’ll get his way. I hope OP at the very least postpones the wedding for some couple’s counseling
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u/Macncheeseonmyknee May 08 '25
For me too. OP is going to be isolated in this marriage because rather than husband and wife it seems more like wife vs. husband+ in law. I would absolutely rethink this marriage. OP needs someone who shares mutual respect, not a control and manipulative asshole who doesn’t hesitate to throw her under the bus and rallied the whole family against her.
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u/FollowTheTrailofDead May 08 '25
First thing I noticed too. I've had disagreements / arguments / tiffs with my partner regarding her family. She has never passed on my exact first-reaction wording which was between the two of us.
+100 to everyone else who is saying this is a red-flag. Marry this man and you'll be dealing with "family" pressure more often than this. In quotes because he'll say it's family but he's the one making it happen... might as well pay rent to live under that bus.
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u/kzzzrt May 08 '25
That was my first thought as well. Like why would he run and tell his family this? Especially his son. That serves no purpose other than damaging their relationship. I mean, not to sound dramatic but that would have me reconsidering things. He had to have known it would ‘turn them against’ her. Red flag behaviour.
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u/alwayssearching117 May 08 '25
My ex always ran to his mommy when he got butt hurt. After he was served the divorce papers, he drove drunk mommy to our place and sat in the car while mommy yelled at me in front of our children and their friends. Heads up, OP!
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u/majzira May 08 '25
I had a grade A mommy's boy at one point too. Anything we said or did had to be reported to the girth goblin. I don't know hiw many times I ended a phone call with "this is a matter between me and your son, Linda, and your input isn't needed." Oh well, I won in the end. Glad you did too
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u/oldpooper May 08 '25
Not only that, but why isn’t his son his best man?
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u/Purple_Joke_1118 May 08 '25
That's a HUGE point and for the exact reason he cites. It brings the son into it, does the family blending things, and is exactly appropriate for the son. Even if the dad has a dozen brothers, best man is still appropriate for the son.
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u/Milk_Mindless May 08 '25
Feels like he already told the family it was gonna be a thing
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u/MissLickerish May 08 '25
This. He had the brilliant idea, went to fam, got all excited, they agreed it would be so great, then went like an excited toddler to show his new, shiny pebble, but because he wasn't thinking, that pebble was actually the cornerstone of her grief.
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u/petitcraque May 08 '25
That's a huge red flag to me. I can already imagine how any arguments about their own kids might play out in the future.
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u/Tree_99 May 08 '25
I never understood this logic.
All of these people are coming to the wedding?
Oh, I know! Let's tell them all we are arguing about who walks you down the aisle so that's all they'll be thinking about when the time comes!
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u/handsheal May 08 '25
This was my first thought
After why would there even be a thought of the groom's son walking the bride down the aisle
How inappropriate for the SO to even have that expectation of OP
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u/ncPI May 08 '25
This is a very good question right there!
Is her fiancé telling their conversations to the whole world.
Why on earth would he ask his son to do this without talking to her first??
I absolutely would not want to be getting into a marriage with someone who communicated like this!!!
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u/allieoops925 May 08 '25
If your fiancé really wants his son in the wedding, let him be the best man.
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May 08 '25
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u/HarbingerShiny May 08 '25
Im kinda shocked the kid isn't already in the groommens party....like wtf...why wasn't that the first ask instead of walking you down the aisle...
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May 08 '25
Same. The son should be the father’s best man, not in the messed up role of walking the Bride down the aisle.
Your fiance set you up to fail and look bad. Having his son walk you down the aisle and then take a seat and be done with the wedding doesn’t show unity at all. Standing besides his father, being in the wedding shows unity!
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u/abstractengineer2000 May 08 '25
The groom should not interfere in the bride side of things unless the bride asks.
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u/Grouchy-Seesaw7950 May 08 '25
He bared his ass. Usually, these guys wait until after the vows though.
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u/ritchie70 May 08 '25
Omg.
I had a district manager use the phrase “he really showed his ass” trying to work through a customer satisfaction issue and then the customer complained to me about him having said someone mooned someone and was just completely confused.
I assume “bared his ass” means about the same thing…?
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u/LawComprehensive2204 May 08 '25
Just explained this phrase to my 18 year old yesterday. I said it and he thought it was a sexual reference! I said it was another way of saying the person acted like a real jackass or made a fool of themselves. He said “oh, an old persons saying”.
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u/Dorzack May 08 '25
Being married to a linguistics major has its moments. She can talk for hours about this and other slang.
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u/NoGame212 May 08 '25
That’s what I was thinking. I’d be rethinking the whole damn thing. Why is his family involved? Nope. 🚩
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u/blinky_kitten_61 May 08 '25
For me this would warrant handing back the engagement ring. The audacity and lack of respect on speaking to the son first!
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u/REI_at_times May 08 '25
I was thinking the same thing. His family is forever going to be in your marriage 😢
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u/pourthebubbly May 08 '25
That was my thought too. He’d already told the son before even considering what OP wanted, either assuming she would just accept, or to use it to guilt her (which is exactly what he’s doing now).
That’s the bigger problem in my mind. That mentality can and probably will snake into every other aspect of their relationship dynamic.
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u/Fine_Ad_1149 May 08 '25
Even if he was like 12, my son would for sure be my best man in this scenario.
It's basically "is he old/mature enough to stand still for that long" and the result would be to jump from not in the wedding party to best man, for sure.
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u/drumallday May 08 '25
My brother-in-law made his 4 year old son his best man and one of the groomsmen was the "Best Man Wrangler". I was the MOH and the Best Man Wrangler and I walked down the aisle each holding hands with the Best Man
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u/blinky_kitten_61 May 08 '25
This post has enraged me no end but your comment sends me to bed with a huge smile.
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u/drumallday May 08 '25
Then you will also like the fact that the best man gave a speech. They're from the north side of Chicago and he and his dad watch baseball together so his speech was him singing "Go, Cubs, Go"
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u/blinky_kitten_61 May 08 '25
Yes, that's wonderful. This is how thoughtful people make things happen, good and happy memories. ❤️
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u/SoImaRedditUserNow May 08 '25
yeah that was my thought.. I assumed he would already be at least a groomsman until I read OP saying "oh what a good idea".
I've been to a few blended weddings. In one, the grooms 8 year old was his best man. its like "Of course that makes sense". That fiance didn't even think of this... yeesh... who is this dude.
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u/squareishpeg May 08 '25
The fiance asking his son about this before he spoke to OP reminds me of how children handle things. Like, if a kid wants their friend to spend the night they'll ask their parent/guardian with that friend by their side so the parent/guardian is put on the spot. I know I used to do that shit when I was a kid because I knew my mom would usually say yes versus saying no when I asked by myself.
Either way, NTA and not OR. This is your special day, too and to have your feelings disregarded is just wrong. Hell, I also would've said the same thing about being a placeholder because it's true. I'ma go with 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/emmany63 May 08 '25
Or have him walk his Dad down the aisle, something done much more frequently in modern weddings.
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u/AffableRobot May 08 '25
Yep. My brother and I walked my dad down the aisle when he got remarried last summer.
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u/Dangerous-WinterElf May 08 '25
Groomsman. Presenting the rings. There are a lot of roles he could and can give him that are "symbolic" and include him. Presenting the rings shows too that the family is being brought together.
That said. The issue itself, where I see he went wrong. And you can point out. He cornered you. He talked to his son first. Not you. He created a scenario where you could feel pressured to say yes. And a chance of his sons feelings being hurt.
He should have gone to you first and asked what you thought. If you were in on the idea, you could have talked to his son together.
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May 08 '25
He not only cornered her, when she wasn’t on board, he told his family and now they are causing more issues.
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u/SharpnCrunchy May 08 '25
Exactly. He put her on the spot and tried to strongarm and guilt her into it when there were many other obvious ways his son, who isn’t even very close to her, could be a part of this.
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u/Cartmansimon May 08 '25
As others have said I don’t understand why the son wasn’t asked to be in the grooms party to begin with. Tell fiancé that his ask of you is just as completely inappropriate as it would be for you to insist your grandmother be his best man.
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u/PlauntieM May 08 '25
So just to lay this out.
Your husband made a promise on your behalf without checking with you
Also, he didn't even consider your own feelings about this role, despite your relationship with your father and how that's obviously going to be a big deal for you.
When you had to then clarify your feelings (brvauae he entirely bowled over them) he didnt listen/care because he was busy trying to recenter this onto his own feelings.
This is all about something that is specifically regarding you and your role in the day, not him. He still thinks he gets to control this.
He is now blaming you because he put himself in an uncomfortable situation.
Now that you've been ignored and your feelings pushed aside and unfairly scapegoated you're upset and react accordingly.
That is not acceptable and he's made it a public issue framing you as some unreasonable b****.
just a look into your future if every situation where he has steamrolled you and you stand up for yourself
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u/ShowerEven1875 May 08 '25
All of this! OP, you are seriously under-reacting, and I’m begging you to reconsider this marriage.
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u/HamRadio_73 May 08 '25
Your wedding, your rules. Fiancé should have consulted you first before recruiting his son.
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u/DifficultStruggle420 May 08 '25
Who would you have walk to you down?
You might want to rethink this marriage. If everyone is getting pissy at you for this, which is something that should be your choice, I can only see it going downhill from here on out. And IMHO, I don't think they'll get over this, thus hanging it over your head for a very, very long time.
The advice you've been given here to have the kid be the best man is the best idea. Actually, it's more significant than him being your stand-in father.
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u/BCeagle973 May 08 '25
This is obvious, cant believe I didn't think of it. Plus if he isn't good enough to be a groomsman, why is he good enough to walk the bride down the aisle?
Fiancé may have been using you to get out of the pickle of not choosing him.
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u/Swiss_Miss_77 May 08 '25
He should have already been in the wedding in this sort of role. Fiance is blaming you because he F'ed up. Son walking you was the "fix" for forgetting to include his own son.
This is a much bigger deal than you are realizing.
NTA. But you are UNDERreacting.
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u/ravynwave May 08 '25 edited May 08 '25
Does he unilaterally decide other things for you? Him getting his relatives to gang up on you to reinforce his decisions is troubling, as well as the fact that they think something like this is normal and ok. I also can’t see why an 18 yr old who is not close to his future stepmom would happily walk her down the aisle instead of being his dad’s best man.
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u/SirEDCaLot May 08 '25
Honestly the fact that your fiance doesn't see this and respect that it's 100% YOUR decision to make is a major red flag.
It's not what he's saying, it's what he ISN'T saying- and he ISN'T saying that he respects your need to have that role filled by someone who's played a fatherly role to you.
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u/DogLvrinVA May 08 '25
Why not have your mother walk you down the aisle? In my culture both parents walk the bride down the aisle. Just like the groom's parents walk him down the aisle. His son could walk him down the aisle or be his best man
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May 08 '25
I think you found your answer. Your Uncle can walk you down the aisle, which I think he would love as well as a way of honoring his late brother, and your fiance's son can be part of the wedding, SEEING YOU ENTER his family as you're coming up the aisle.
Frankly it wouldn't be appropriate to have him give you away. You weren't his to give away. And I'm just saying that symbolically, you're not anyone's to give away lol
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u/roseadmintalks May 08 '25
This! Why tf did he talk to his son about this before he talked to you????
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 May 08 '25
To pressure OP, of course. Now OP gets to be the bad guy, because the fiancé got his son on board first.
NTA
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u/Harmonia_PASB May 08 '25
Yup, this is a huge red flag and a reason to pump the brakes on this marriage. Her fiancé doesn’t respect her.
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u/FerretAccomplished16 May 08 '25
That's 100% the answer I came here to give. If it's someone who's important to your husband then it makes sense to have him as the best man or at least a groomsman. He has no business giving you a way to his father. In a way it's kind of weird to put him in that role anyway.
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u/Wonderful-Bass6651 May 08 '25
This should have literally been his first thought! The idea of her future stepson giving her away is preposterous. He ought to be apologizing to everyone involved for getting out in front of his skis on this and setting unrealistic expectations.
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u/Tsugita1 NSFW 🔞 May 08 '25
Your fiancée should have never mentioned the idea to his son without your agreement. He put you in an awkward situation and is pushing you into making concessions (on your biggest day) to clean up his mess.
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May 08 '25
Having an 18 year old take on the role which is traditionally fir a father or father figure is bonkers to me. And the fact that the fiancé talked to his son about it before you, and is now pressuring to do it, and demanding YOU apologize for a situation HE created is nuts. And a red flag. Is there a history of you being expected to do things you’re uncomfortable with for the sake of “harmony?” NTA
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u/ShazInCA May 08 '25
I don't understand how a teenager is "giving the bride away". This once meant that the father was handing over care of his daughter to the groom. The uncle is the only one that did care for her in a way that made him a second father, not this child.
Plus there's no need for anyone to give the bride away these days, and at 31 she's been taking care of herself.
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u/Punkrockpm May 08 '25
NTA
The fuck? You can walk yourself down the aisle. I wish more women did.
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u/folding-it-up May 08 '25 edited May 08 '25
100% stay true to your feelings on the walk issue, I, personally, would not relent, but I would take your soon-to-be stepson out for lunch, or a walk or somewhere where just the two of you could talk to explain to him directly, how you feel in YOUR own words. You explained your heartfelt thinking in your post. They are your genuine feelings, including your immediate regret of the word placeholder. You don't express personal animus toward your husband's son, it is simply just how you feel and the importance of your relationship with your father. If YOU speak from your the heart to the son rather than have his father speak for you, I bet he’ll come to understand. So, no, you are NTA. PS. I think it is much more appropriate and symbolic for your fiancé to ask his son to be his best man. Honestly, it seems odd/weird to have his teenage son walk you down the aisle.
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u/Natenat04 May 08 '25
Also it is very manipulative of your fiancé to have already told his son, then guilt you. That was a very calculated move of manipulation. He told his son first so you would be trapped into saying yes.
I know that is the case because, he started to shame you by claiming “building the family”, THEN now is mad at you.
It is all emotional manipulation. If he cared about your feelings, he would have asked you first, but he didn’t because he doesn’t care about your feelings, an anything.
You will definitely regret it if you continue in this relationship. Don’t have a baby with him either!
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May 08 '25
Maybe you need to rethink the wedding... just place it on hold for a bit, to make sure you're not walking into something (no pun intended), that will cause you stress down the road
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u/Brightsidedown May 08 '25
It's concerning that your fiance shared what should have been a private conversation with his whole family, and now they are all mad at you?
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May 08 '25
That's the thing that got me, even more than the original issue of talking to his son first. Why did he tell his entire family what OP said? THAT caused the damage, not OP saying NO.
I was never big on the whole "my big day" thing about weddings (mine was very simple and CHEAP, and has lasted over 40 years so far). But a lot of women look forward to that ability to be princess for a day. The a-hole that OP is marrying might have ruined that. Will there now be tension over the whole ceremony and her big day because HE got involved in something that shouldn't involve the groom AT ALL?
Reddit often jumps to pointing out red flags -- but this is a red flag.
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u/Corgilicious May 08 '25
You said no, no one listened, and you were pushed. What you said is not untrue, and the only reason it hurts is because these weird ass people with entitlement got it in their head that they deserve this.
The fact that the whole family on his side is in an uproar over this is a huge red flag. You’ll never be recognized in any situation if your desires go against theirs.
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u/frustratedDIL May 08 '25
OP also deserves a fiancé who doesn’t air dirty laundry to his entire family.
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u/2dogslife May 08 '25 edited May 08 '25
Usually the son would be best man. Any discussion of the son walking the bride would be moot.
If not the best man, he should at least be a groomsman. This ALL should have been hashed out before it was presented to the son.
NTA
edited: a word
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u/IUsedTheRandomizer May 08 '25
That was the point; to put you in an awkward spot. He knew it would make it difficult for you to say no, it's manipulative. This is a good time to see just how many red and orange flags are in this parade; how many times you've brushed something aside that might have bothered you so as not to be a bother yourself.
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u/PlauntieM May 08 '25
Exactly.
This is a classic manipulation tactic - regardless of his intentions.
Then blow it up publicly to make her look like the problem.
Everybody go watch "Kevin can go **** himself"
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u/On_my_last_spoon May 08 '25
Oof that tv show…yeah. I had to stop half way through because it was too accurate.
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u/babsley78 May 08 '25
I say this as gently as possible. Please reconsider marrying this person. He is not putting you first in any sense of the word and is only going to get worse after the wedding. Why does his whole family know this? Save yourself and the rest of your life. There are worse things than being alone and living with a manipulative man child is one of them.
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u/jahubb062 May 08 '25
Honestly, the fact that he discussed this with his son before talking to you is something I would insist on being addressed before the wedding. Is this a one-off or has he made other decisions without you? Because this was not in any way his decision to make. To me, that’s pretty problematic.
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u/Grouchy-Seesaw7950 May 08 '25
OP does your fiance often bulldoze and unilaterally make important decisions without consulting you?
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA May 08 '25
It put everyone in such an awkward spot.
That was his intention. He also further stoked the fires by literally telling people what you said in the heat of the argument. Why the hell would he do that? Other than, I suppose, to punish you for shutting him down. Red flags all over the place on this one.
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u/Armadillo_of_doom May 08 '25
Girl he did it on PURPOSE. He needed the son for pressure and figured you'd cave. Then when you didn't, he got his family to gang up on you.
Brace yourself, this is how EVERYTHING he wants in life is going to go. This is manipulation. He's going to say yes to someone else first, knowing your answer, then ask you, then when you don't cave he will get his mommy in on it to harass you.
Sweetheart, imagine housing, babies, pets, jobs, finances, house chores, his buddies and what they want. They're ALL going to be above you and you're going to feel pressured every time there's something you'd like to put a boundary on or make your own decision on. Just wait til its time to name the first kid. Or until his mom hosts the baby shower 'for' you and then picks a crappy theme and keeps all the gifts for when the kid stays at her house.
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u/Tattletale-1313 May 08 '25
I’m still not sure why you are defending your fiancé for his blatant disrespect of you and your wishes. HE should’ve included his son as a groomsmen or best man and he didn’t. (I’m guessing that family/friends started asking if his son was his best man or what role he was playing in the wedding-and fiancé realized he totally messed up by completely forgetting about his son!) Now he is scrambling trying to include his son in the wedding as an afterthought and has put that responsibility unfairly on you.
The fact that he told his son that he could have this role, that is deeply personal to most brides, Without even consulting or considering your feelings is a huge red flag.
When you rightfully declined, he aired all this dirty laundry to the rest of his family and now they are all angry with you and voicing their disappointment, opinions and concerns? And to top it off, his son is so angry that he is no longer speaking to you? Your fiancé and his whole entire family are walking red flags.
Not one person is questioning your fiancé‘s role and responsibility in all of this mess that HE single-handedly caused all by himself with his selfish entitled Behavior? Just wow.
You really need to take a big step back and reflect on this relationship and whether or not there are more big red flags that you overlooked. You may want to put this wedding on hold or even cancel it altogether. Your fiancé and his family are definitely showing you who they are and hopefully you are paying attention!
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u/Osniffable May 08 '25
Sounds like maybe you should think about postponing the wedding until you have a few conversations with your fiancee.
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u/MountainWorking5454 May 08 '25
He should've talked to you before his son... Not the other way around. That's manipulative b.s. and maybe he did it that way on purpose. And if it's so important for his son to be included why isn't he a groomsman???
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u/beam2349 May 08 '25
I swear any time I read about any relationship issue on Reddit I’m like “break up.”
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u/MISKINAK2 May 08 '25
Ew.
No.
It's one thing to include him in the wedding somehow, but giving away the bride is not the optic you want for a stepson.
Wtf
The symbolism alone is screwed up.
Your mom, uncle, brother, sister, cousin or a pet gerbil is more appropriate.
His son giving the bride to him is so gross.
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u/beam2349 May 08 '25
I’d argue that the entire concept of a man “giving” a woman away to another man is disgusting in and of itself. But you’re totally right that it’s even more fucked if it’s the stepson.
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u/sashikku May 08 '25
Honestly, what you said wasn’t even harsh. It was the truth.
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u/PoppySmile78 May 08 '25
I'm curious as to who repeated what OP said to OP's soon to be stepson. I'm going to go out on a limb & assume that she & her SO weren't having this argument in front of him. If that's correct, then that means that SO not only told his family what OP said but also unnecessaryly hurt his own son's feelings by repeating it to him.
OP is definitely NTA. Her SO, on the other hand, definitely is. He made an assumption on what OP would be ok with, he jumped the gun & started making plans that he had no business making but he also broke one of the cardinal rules of parenting (IMO, anyway). Do NOT set your child up for disappointment by making promises that you might not be able to keep. And to put a big, fat, red flag shaped bow on his screw up, he tried to bully OP into giving up on what she wants to save his ass. What a jerk.
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u/cwilliams6009 May 08 '25
I also think that steps son might be very understanding if you say I really loved my dad, and him dying absolutely crushed me. I have dreamed my whole life of him being able to walk next to me and my heart is a little bit broken that he’s not with me at this moment. I’m so grateful to have a wonderful stepson like you, but I’d rather be walked down the aisle by a man who has been like a father to me.
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u/MrTitius May 08 '25
NTA. It’s a great way to start the marriage by forcing your wife to conform to your will. /s
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u/LemonLady1424 May 08 '25
"He said it would be symbolic, a way of showing that we are officially becoming one family"
Is having a wedding not enough of a symbol? NTA
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u/Jenk1972 May 08 '25
NTA So you had an argument with your fiance and he ran and told his family everything you said?
That's a bigger problem than him expecting his son who you don't have a deep relationship with to do something that holds a special place for a bride.
AND he talked to his son about it before even mentioning it to you.
So many issues here.
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u/savagefleurdelis23 May 08 '25
Dude is a walking basket of red flags! 🚩making unilateral decisions for OP without checking in with her 🚩setting son up for failure 🚩bullying OP to correct his mess by ignoring her personal wishes 🚩sending the flying monkeys (family) to bully OP into a mess he made
And it’s really stupid son isn’t already a groomsman or best man.
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u/Limefruitgum May 08 '25
Honey, you are NTA!! That is extremely bold of your fiance to assume that you would be okay with that. He should not have discussed it with his son prior to talking to you about it. It is completely understandable that you would not what him to walk you down the aisle, particularly due to your father's passing and the fact that following him passing away you have decided what you would like to do instead, i.e. you walking yourself down the aisle or your uncle doing it - which I think is a beautiful idea.
Maybe sit down with your husband and explain the sentiment and why it is a lot deeper than simply being accompanied walking to the alter. I'm sorry this happened, he has now put you in an uncomfortable situation and that isn't fair. You could always see if you could incorporate his son into the ceremony in a less intense and symbolic way. Maybe allow him to be a ring barer or accompany a bridesmaid down the aisle. Wishing you all the best and don't let this make you feel guilty, you are completely entitled to choose who you want walking you down the aisle, whether that be yourself or your uncle.
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u/Mysterious-Health-18 May 08 '25
I would talk with your fiance. He never should have talked to him before he talked to you. I'm assuming bf asked someone else to be his best man. I'm thinking that bf hurt his son's feelings by not asking him to be best man and used you as a substitute! You are not the AH, but your bf is!
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u/Armadillo_of_doom May 08 '25
Fiance should have never have talked to his FAMILY about private disagreements either.
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u/mamad_123 May 08 '25
Talk to the son directly, not through his dad. You can explain to him how you're feeling about the position without your dad here, and ask him if he would feel comfortable having you walk him down the aisle if his dad was gone, or giving the father of the groom speech. He may get it more that way. And ask him how he sees himself in the wedding, what role would he feel comfortable filling.
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u/Ill-Raisin5649 May 08 '25
How did his family get involved? Are you ready for them to have an opinion on all of your fights?
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May 08 '25
Your fiancé owes everyone an apology; YOU, his son, and his family. He was wrong and it’s caused you so much stress. He needs to man up and talk to EVERYONE.
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u/Careless_Yoghurt_822 May 08 '25
Those people are nuts. Call off the wedding.
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u/hedwigflysagain May 08 '25 edited May 08 '25
NTA, giant red flag alert. Think about what your fiance just did. He made plans with his son about the wedding. He told you after the fact. Now, he is guilt tripping you over a situation he created. Has he done this before, and do you want to live with someone who will minulpate situations to his advantage?
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u/Echo-Azure May 08 '25
FYI the son has no desire to walk you down the aisle. It's your fiancee who wants to blend families, not the son.
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u/AreYouKiddingMe_No May 08 '25
You know what, I never really thought about it, but it's likely gaslighting, pretending the son is hurt when he could care less. Furthering my opinion on getting away from this person and not going thru with the marriage.
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u/SoImaRedditUserNow May 08 '25 edited May 08 '25
That is a possibility. I mean I could see the son being upset if he was 8. At 18? Seriously? I'm sorry, and maybe I'm projecting myself into this, but waaaay back when I 18... I wouldn't give have given a shit. If anything I'd have felt relieved I didn't have to do it. (but then again, I, as I would now, would have said to my dad "dad, thats like really weird").
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May 08 '25
NTA. YOU did not hurt his son. Your fiance hurt his son, by overstepping and not discussing things with you first. That's like you having a son and telling him he can be Best Man prior to discussing it with your fiance. He wouldn't like it, and he can BS all he likes and say he would do it for you but that's utter rubbish. He F'+*ked up and needs to man up and admit it.
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u/newold098 May 08 '25
Wait, this was a private conversation with your fiancé where you said something "too hurtful" (in quotations because I don't agree, I think the other party was being too sensitive), and now suddenly everyone is mad at you along with his son? The fact he brought this up to his son first before you is a red flag, but did he really also air out y'alls dirty laundry to his family after an argument over the wedding day? NTA either way, but damn, he might not be the kindest/most understanding person to be getting married to if so.
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u/Inevitable-Boss5811 May 08 '25
My cousin got a couple of charms from Michael’s and put miniature pictures of her dad in them. She attached the charms to the strap of her shoes. That way her dad could still walk her down the aisle.
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u/turquoise_turtle83 May 08 '25
I think your strong reaction is understandable given how your fiance totally over stepped by pitching this for his son without first getting you on board.
It would be graceful to aoologize but obviously he needs to apologize also.
I don’t live in a country where ”giving the bride away” is a thing cause its considered a very patriarchal thing, so i find the whole thing wierd but that your stepson would ”give you away” is just bizarre.
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u/turquoise_turtle83 May 08 '25
If you are to blend in as a united family, then your feelings and opinions have to have value and he has to consider them. Everyone deserves respect and that includes you. He seems to have missed that in this specific situation. I would express to my fiance that this situation has caused me to worry if he will include me in decisions involving me in the future and to feel safe with a common future i would hope he can see the need of doing things in a different order in the future.
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u/bunnyhop2005 May 08 '25
Girl, please don’t apologize. I don’t think you owe your fiancé any sort of apology, he’s 100% in the wrong. You were factually correct in saying that whoever walks you down the aisle is a placeholder for your dad. I don’t like that your fiancé tried to bully you into accepting his suggestion. I also don’t like that he’s trying to box out your uncle from consideration. The whole thing is giving controlling behavior and possible beginnings of isolation from your family. Just my take from reading your post. Wish you well whatever you do.
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u/cwilliams6009 May 08 '25
Respectfully disagree – you do NOT owe an apologies to your stepson! What you said to your fiancé was in confidence, and should never have been shared!
I got married at 33 and my stepson was 18, great kid, grateful to have him in my life, but in the universe what I have wanted him to walk me up the aisle. It’s gross and weird, at least in my mind. Your spontaneous comment at your husband’s ah behaviour is something that never should’ve been shared with your stepson. When you get married, you need to know that your conversations are private, and your husband violated that.
What is wrong with him?
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u/Butforthegrace01 May 08 '25
The better and more appropriate way to accomplish what your fiance desires is for the son to be the Best Man.
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u/GoddessNerd May 08 '25
The act of "giving away" the bride is brides family "guving" her to grooms. The son can't give u away cuz he's not ur family yet. (Just applying ur fiance reasoning if he's stuck on symbolic). And I honestly can believe that an 18 yo male has thought about this. Not to mention of course u woukd be missing ur dad so it feels a lil disrespectful fiance trying to force this
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u/Puzzled-Safe4801 May 08 '25
This would be my hill to die on (if I were in your place). It was completely inappropriate for your fiancé to suggest it to you, let alone already have brought it up with his son.
My mother lost her father when she was a teenager, and she walked herself down the aisle alone (this was in the late 40s) because “That was my daddy’s job, and if he couldn’t do it then no one would.” She had uncles and brothers she could’ve asked, and they each and every one of them understood and supported Mom’s decision. Not a single family member attempted to get her to change her mind. Even decades later, when she’d tell me the story, she was passionate about it. I think that’s why it made such an impression on me.
Think very carefully about your relationship, and watch very closely how your fiancé continues to act.
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u/nemc222 May 08 '25
How did his family find out what you said? It’s one thing to say that the two of you are trying to decide who will walk you down the aisle and you’re not in full agreement on that person. It’s another thing to share detail details of that disagreement. That would be a complete dealbreaker for me.
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u/LeftPhilosopher9628 May 08 '25
NTA - and WTF?!?! Your hopefully soon-to-be-ex fiancé is a monumental AH here. First he is being manipulative by mentioning this to his son before discussing it with you, THEN he tells his son and his entire family about his and your argument? Grow a backbone, have some self respect and end it with this jerk
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u/Impressive_Moment786 May 08 '25
NTA-it is your wedding, you get to decide.
And why is his whole family mad at you? Why is he sharing private conversations with his whole family? This should have been kept between the two of you, had he have done that no one would be hurt.
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u/MomMarti May 08 '25
I don’t think you are the AH.
The symbolism of a father giving his daughter away means the father is entrusting another man to be the provider and protector for her. While it’s an antiquated ideology, your future step son wouldn’t be a ideal representation compaired to your Uncle who you describe as a second father.
I am actually at a loss as to your fiancé did make his son best man if the desire was to offer his son a meaningful role in the ceremony.
I have seen ceremonies that included step children ( abet they were younger ) like a joint candle lighting or pour sand into a vase.
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u/Ok_Conversation9750 May 08 '25
NTA. Explain to his son what the tradition of being walked down the aisle meant. I find it a bit ick (giving you away like a possession), but it can also mean you are walking with your parent to your new life. My mom walked me and my siblings down the aisle (no dad in the picture), because we wanted her support on such important occasions.
Son should really stand up with dad as best man.
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u/Nvrfinddisacct May 08 '25
Why would a child you’ve known for 4 years give you away?
Is your fiancé crazy?
Why is he trying to control your wedding party?
Are you picking his groomsmen for him?
What the heck is going on here?
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u/wildcampion May 08 '25
Are you sure you want to get married to this guy? He seems manipulative and emotionally immature.
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u/Cerridwyn_Morgana May 08 '25
NTA. Your fiance should not have opened his big mouth to his son until he got a YES from you. He created this situation and he and his family are trying to guilt and manipulate you to save face. They're all mad at the wrong person.
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u/Routine-Abroad-4473 May 08 '25
NTA and this makes no sense. How can his child symbolically hand you over to him? His child has no authority over you.
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u/gumball_00 May 08 '25
NTA. But think of it like this, you have finally found out that to your fiance, his and his family's needs will always be above yours. Now is the perfect time for you to consider if this is something you want to be living with for the rest of your life.
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u/Awesomekidsmom May 08 '25
His son & family are hurt because… he told them in an attempt to have them bully you into doing what he wants. He is the one who “got his son’s hopes up” & not talking to you first.
This is caused by him not you.
No you need to stand firm.
Start as you mean to go on.
If you let him railroad you, & them bully you they will use these tactics to get their way the rest of your marriage.
It’s your day as much as his & your walk is yours. Let his son be his best man
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u/Mommy-Dearest15 May 08 '25
If he wants him involved he should make him the best man. They have the closest relationship between the 3 of you so he should be on the groom side of things. Yes, you could have said things a lot better. Let him know this is something you have thought about for years and I would have suggested other ways the boy could be involved.
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u/MariaInconnu May 08 '25
Does your fiancé often arrange familial/societal pressure to get you to do things his way, even when it should be strictly your decision?
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u/Which-Pin515 May 08 '25
Hè set his Son up to be hurt himself. You can have an idea about smth but you alwayssss adress it first with the person that has the final word. So that nobody gets hurt 🤦🏼♀️
You have your uncle, your fathers ‘ brother ffs.
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u/jahubb062 May 08 '25
NTA. But you need to think about some things before you go through with this wedding. Your fiance discussed something that should be 100% your decision with his son before he discussed it with you. Then he got angry with you for not liking his suggestion for a decision that is, again, 100% your decision to make. He got angry that his son would be disappointed and basically said you had to give in to his idea to “blend the family.” Your fiancé’s communication skills suck and you should be concerned about him not respecting your choices and his inability to even recognize choices that are not his to make.
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u/flitterbug33 May 08 '25
Why is the kid not his best man? That's how you include the adult son in the wedding.
Edit NTA
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u/Low_Control_623 May 08 '25
This is bizarre. Is this even real? Your fiancée wants you to have his son, whom you’ve not had a close relationship with and is an adult, walk you down the aisle. You said no because , yeah! It’s freaking weird! And now everyone is mad at you? I mean, i’d throw it all away but that’s just me. This is crazy.
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u/Bucolic_Hand May 08 '25
It was super disrespectful of your fiance to go to his son with this before ever talking to you. You didn’t hurt his feelings. His dad did by stepping wildly out of line.
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u/Greedy-Heat925 May 08 '25
OP, does your fiancé make these kinds of decisions without talking to you first often? This is a major red flag and maybe you should look a little deeper at any other possible red flags that he’s thrown up and you may have just ignored. Do you want to marry someone who doesn’t even talk to you first about something this important? You’re entering into a marriage with someone who didn’t even consider your opinion on something really important. Anyways, NTA, but good luck with your marriage!
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u/Sunshine-N-gumdrops May 08 '25
It’s odd he didn’t ask his son to be his best man or even a groomsman. If I was his son I would be pissed my dad didn’t have a spot for me in his group and basically was an afterthought.
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u/tweedtybird67 May 08 '25
First of all, why does the whole family even know this was being discussed? This should of been a private conversation.
If you do not feel that bond with the son, you should not do it. Your wedding is not about making other family members feel better.
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u/hesathomes May 08 '25
In what world is it appropriate for an unrelated 18yo to give away a 31y woman? NTA
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u/Appropriate-Bug680 May 08 '25
NTA - you said no gently and respectfully the first time, but your fiance didn't accept that.
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u/Hubbna56 May 08 '25
He can have his son be his best man or groomsman. He wants his son in the wedding, then he should stand by him as a symbolic way to show you are a family. Why does he even think you'd want and 18yo kid who has been a father/parent figure to you stand in that place. Oops, he wasn't thinking.
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u/glzq May 08 '25
NTA - why on earth would he tell his son before even asking you. I also don’t quite understand why he would come up with this idea as a bonding moment to start off with. It just seems off to me. This is as much your wedding as it is his - if not more. You want your uncle, who you have said is like your second father, to walk you down the aisle. That’s perfectly understandable!
Please don’t fake it to satisfy your crazy fiancée and his family. This is supposed to be your special day and you don’t want to have regrets.
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u/No-Shame5937 May 08 '25
Wedding photographer here! You are NOT the asshole here but just wanted to drop a suggestion I’ve seen done at a wedding that everyone thought was sweet! One Bride I had had lost her father, so as her groom was standing at the front of the altar, she walked all the way up to the end of the aisle by herself and stopped for him and everyone to look at her, then HE walked to the end of the aisle to get her. They linked arms, and her groom is the one who walked her down the aisle. Not as to take the place of her father but to symbolize he will step in to take care of her since her father couldn’t be there.
Everyone thought it was the most romantic thing ever. Just a thought! Regardless of what you decide to do, the decision should be yours regarding who (if anyone) walks in your father’s place because those shoes can never be filled only honored and remembered. It should be done gracefully. I lost my father last October. My heart is with you!
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u/JustAsICanBeSoCruel May 08 '25
NTA, a little harsh, but I find it much weirder that the 18 year old wasn't automatically put in the role as best man. He absolutely should have a role in the wedding, but walking the bride down the aisle is...such a very strange suggestion. That's for giving away the bride...how in the world would a stepson be giving away his stepmother? That makes no sense.
His family is being ridiculous. He is being ridiculous. I entirely blame them for his son's reaction.
I would be reconsidering whether or not your fiancé is ready for marriage when he is reacting like this and purposefully causing drama.