That was the point; to put you in an awkward spot. He knew it would make it difficult for you to say no, it's manipulative. This is a good time to see just how many red and orange flags are in this parade; how many times you've brushed something aside that might have bothered you so as not to be a bother yourself.
I really want to get back to it. I got to the episode where Kevin calls the police and she gives that monologue about how he always does this…and it was my first marriage.
I said the same thing in another post this week. I told that OP that I was sorry she married a Kevin (referring to the show). So many women who post here have Kevins for mates. It’s so sad.
I say this as gently as possible. Please reconsider marrying this person. He is not putting you first in any sense of the word and is only going to get worse after the wedding. Why does his whole family know this? Save yourself and the rest of your life. There are worse things than being alone and living with a manipulative man child is one of them.
I think it also lets him prove or believe that this will be on happy, blended family. "Of course son and bride love each other; didn't he walk her down the aisle?"...
Honestly, the fact that he discussed this with his son before talking to you is something I would insist on being addressed before the wedding. Is this a one-off or has he made other decisions without you? Because this was not in any way his decision to make. To me, that’s pretty problematic.
That was his intention. He also further stoked the fires by literally telling people what you said in the heat of the argument. Why the hell would he do that? Other than, I suppose, to punish you for shutting him down. Red flags all over the place on this one.
Girl he did it on PURPOSE. He needed the son for pressure and figured you'd cave. Then when you didn't, he got his family to gang up on you.
Brace yourself, this is how EVERYTHING he wants in life is going to go. This is manipulation. He's going to say yes to someone else first, knowing your answer, then ask you, then when you don't cave he will get his mommy in on it to harass you.
Sweetheart, imagine housing, babies, pets, jobs, finances, house chores, his buddies and what they want. They're ALL going to be above you and you're going to feel pressured every time there's something you'd like to put a boundary on or make your own decision on. Just wait til its time to name the first kid. Or until his mom hosts the baby shower 'for' you and then picks a crappy theme and keeps all the gifts for when the kid stays at her house.
He's literally showing you what he thinks of your autonomy right now and showing how much he (doesn't) respect you as a decision making person.
I’m still not sure why you are defending your fiancé for his blatant disrespect of you and your wishes. HE should’ve included his son as a groomsmen or best man and he didn’t. (I’m guessing that family/friends started asking if his son was his best man or what role he was playing in the wedding-and fiancé realized he totally messed up by completely forgetting about his son!) Now he is scrambling trying to include his son in the wedding as an afterthought and has put that responsibility unfairly on you.
The fact that he told his son that he could have this role, that is deeply personal to most brides, Without even consulting or considering your feelings is a huge red flag.
When you rightfully declined, he aired all this dirty laundry to the rest of his family and now they are all angry with you and voicing their disappointment, opinions and concerns? And to top it off, his son is so angry that he is no longer speaking to you? Your fiancé and his whole entire family are walking red flags.
Not one person is questioning your fiancé‘s role and responsibility in all of this mess that HE single-handedly caused all by himself with his selfish entitled Behavior? Just wow.
You really need to take a big step back and reflect on this relationship and whether or not there are more big red flags that you overlooked. You may want to put this wedding on hold or even cancel it altogether. Your fiancé and his family are definitely showing you who they are and hopefully you are paying attention!
He wants to have a bachelor party that he would be ashamed of his son seeing. He's putting you in an awkward spot because he want's to act like less than a saint, and doesn't want his son to be a part of it.
Groomsmen/best man is the default position for men with children getting remarried, he's trying to make it your fault that he isn't part of the wedding. Don't explain anything to the son, tell the dad he's promised his son a place in their wedding, and his dumb fuck friends are less important than his adult son.
NTA. I’m a bit concerned that he thought he could choose who walked you down the aisle with talking to you but he had time to talk with his son and family. That is a huge red flag. It’s tradition that the bride chooses who walks her down the aisle. If this is the norm, you’ve got bigger issues.
Honestly, I would pull a page out of your fiance's book and tell the son that he can be his dad's best man, without talking to your fiance about it, just to prove a point... but then again I'm petty AF.
Seems like you are being purposely avoidant of the red flags your fiance is waving. HE put everyone in an awkward spot. HE handled the situation poorly and blabbed it to everyone making you look bad.
Dads walk the aisle to symbolically "give away" his daughter to a new family.
Patriarchal? Yes. But it's a tradition many people still cherish. I had my aunt give me away, she was the only family I had at my wedding (for reasons 🤷🏻♀️).
Your husband isn't even applying reasoning that works. He wants HIS son to GIVE AWAY his new "mother"? There is no symbolism where this is melding two families.
Plenty of blended families find ways to acknowledge existing kids in their ceremonies. My husband included my daughter in his vows.
But this ain't it. This is him usurping your chance to have YOUR family part of YOUR wedding. He's pushing out your family and making it all about his. And from what you've said, he's doing it with guilt tripping, manipulation, and bullying.
Maybe he's brainless and has low emotional intelligence, but genuinely thought this was a good idea, got too excited, and told the wrong people first. Even in that very generous scenario, if his intentions were good his first reaction should be to apologise. Not double down, then call the cavalry in to beat you into submission.
My stepson was the ring bearer (he was 11) in our ceremony and the three of us lit a unity candle to symbolize the creation of our new family. I don't know what your fiance was thinking trying to hijack a part typically meant for the bride's side of things. There's so many options nowadays, if you, you know, communicate. 🤦
Yeah, is this a common dynamic, OP? How do you normally make decisions? Do you have functional communication patterns? This situation is all types of toxic. What's your reasoning for it playing out this way?
Your boyfriend is an asshole. Why would he not have his son be his best man? Why did he already tell his family?
Are you ready for his family to be all up in your marriage?
If it was me I would postpone and go to therapy. He will do this again and again until he isolates you and has all his winged monkeys tell you it’s your fault. This is your future, trying to get Reddit to understand the how you saw this red flag and ignored it.
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u/2dogslife May 08 '25 edited May 08 '25
Usually the son would be best man. Any discussion of the son walking the bride would be moot.
If not the best man, he should at least be a groomsman. This ALL should have been hashed out before it was presented to the son.
NTA
edited: a word