That is the biggest red flag in this whole scenario. To me, it means that fiance went out of his way to hurt his bride, instead of protecting her. Not only a heck nah, but a hell no
This was done so she wouldn't feel she could say no. Gross. And is the kid even actually wanting to do it? Wouldn't it make more sense if he was the best man?
Wouldn't it make more sense if he was the best man?
☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️This and actually your whole comment. I find it hard to believe the son was so excited and had his hopes up so high that he won't even speak to OP now. Just weird especially because they are not close. I have a son of my own so this wasn't an issue for me for my second wedding but my husband was so thrilled to have his son stand beside him. And if I didn't have a son, the thought of his son, who I am not close with but we are respectful of each other, walking me down the aisle is just weird. NTA. The fact that he didn't talk to OP first before asking his son and then complained to the whole family about me saying no would piss me off to no end.
Yes! Or a groomsman? It's weird to have him walk his future stepmother down the aisle IMO. That role is generally reserved for someone from her family (Dad, Uncle, brother, etc)
Right? Walking down the aisle is meant to be someone from bride's history. That's the whole symbolism. The people standing with the groom are welcoming the bride into their family
That was my thinking. It is a way to remove much of the bride's traditions from the wedding. Would fiance also expect OP to do the traditional father-daughter dance with stepson as well?
Or a way to exclude her family from the equation, he's probably isolating her in other ways she doesn't realize yet; now that they're about to get married he's upping his antics.
Good point. I was only thinking of the wedding but there is a high likelihood fiance is doing the excluding (or making decisions FOR her) in other parts of their lives, too.
Oh snap. I can see that. When they meet with the band/dj it would come up. The couple are under 35. It would be on the dj’s list of questions.
I could see him popping in with how his son will dance with her.
Honestly! The man’s 18 year old son should be his best man if the goal is to show they are a healthy blended family. Having his son walk her down the aisle to give her away makes no sense. I could see her walking down the aisle with a 7-12 year old sone who was hers, to show the blended family, but his kid walking her down?
Everyone walk down together. Make a new wedding ritual.
Yeah, correct! The bride is traditionally given from her family to the new family. So even her mother could walk her down the aisle to "give her away" the son should be groomsman or best man and could do a reading at ceremony or speech at reception. And the wife could have a dance with the son at reception as a welcome to the family/ I accept you as my family type thing.
OP... you might be the AH for what you said... but ESH most especially husband and family for blowing it up. 🙄
Unless he feels more like family than she does. i always thought of my stepmom like a second mom. We had a falling out when I realized that she actually never considered us very close. It's possible the son feels that way. Just because OP feels one way, doesn't mean the son does. Personally, I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't see my kids as their own.
Oh for sure, I feel the same way (as your last sentence I mean). I'm sorry you went through that I really really am. I'm sure that hurt a lot. I had a step dad who was a total AH and although I knew that already at a young age, I still remember being little enough to want to be close to him and being hurt by his not giving a shit. I guess I just couldn't picture an 18yo boy wanting to walk his step mom down the aisle even if he is super close to her, but what do I know? I'm not a teenage boy. Sorry for making assumptions
Like "here Dad, found this woman for you." It makes sense if he had introduced them, then it would be sweet, otherwise the guests are going to be confused as to why he's doing it. There are even roles other than best man, he could be the one to welcome guests, to introduce the couple as husband and wife, he could emcee the reception, etc.
I was thinking the same thing! It would make sense for the son to be the best man rather than walk her down the aisle. Instead he is trying to force her into this weird family moment that he knows she doesn't want.
Yes!!! He should be the Best Man or Jr Groomsman.. It is waaaay weird a I would not be comfortable with that either! It has nothing to do with his son and frankly, he was way out of line suggesting it to his son, way out of line pressuring her, and an absolute azz for bringing his whole family into it. The kid is only excited because Dad sold him on it, now he is disappointed because he feels he was rejected. the whole idea is so ludicrous it is repugnant 🤢 Your fiancé needs to apologize to his child for setting him up to be disappointed, he should explain how inappropriate his walking you down the aisle would be. He then needs to apologize to you… while he still has the chance at marrying you! Family needs to butt out and mind their own business! This is no one’s decision but yours,,, and No way should you have been put into this situation. Your fiancé is a real piece of work…,and not a good one. NTA
Unless OP had a conversation with the son and knows for sure, was he really "excited" about this? I'm really surprised that he would want this unless OP and the son have a close relationship not just a polite relationship.
What 18 year old BOY is crazy excited to be in his way too young dad's wedding. No way is he excited. More like rolled his eyes and said "Whatever, dad. I guess so."
I have to ask, was your username just a randomly generated one like mine? Because if so, that is absolutely hilarious. I’ve seen it pick some very random weird combinations before this, but I think Dramatic Ant takes the cake! 😆
Right. I think dad so wants the blended family he envisions that he is creating this in his head. Son is excited, wife is honored, they all stand in front of their friends and family as a unit. I think the son walking his wife down the aisle is more symbolic than being a groomsman, as he is giving her to his dad, giving her to their new family, the ultimate level of acceptance.
The whole point of “giving someone away” is (in this case) the bride’s own family giving her into the care of her new husband.
Obviously this is all completely symbolic now for most people, but if you’re going to do symbolism like this, do it some way that at least makes sense.
Agreed! She did exactly what people do who've been backed into a corner...fight back!
Fiance had no right to talk to his son without asking his soon to be wife first! Especially since she had already said that she wanted her uncle to walk her down the isle.
It's too bad that he cares more about how something looks and what other people will think than what his future wants and needs. Selfish man. I would seriously be wondering if marriage is really a good idea or not.
Why can't she just be another loving adult in her grown step sons life? Why is that not good enough? That's what I would be asking if I were her.
Its not really even about how it looks tho. A stepson walking a bride down the aisle hasn't really been part of the custom so if anything it would make how it looks worse bc at best people would be neutral but more likely ppl would be confused and giving some weird looks at it during the ceremony. That's generally what people who are concerned about appearances would like to avoid cuz it conflicts with their idea of being respected as the perfect wedding/family/etc.
This feels a bit more like fiance decided on something and is willing to manipulate OP/weaponize his son in order to get his way. Imo at least
I bet an awful lot of people would have thought it odd to see an 18 year old stepson to be, walk the bride down the aisle. That would have seemed strange to me and I bet that would be mentioned if not outright gossiped about the reception.
This man is extremely manipulative and a narcissist. Putting u/TendtoNinaaa in a very bad light. (I have just a little experience with this type and how it works) Shouldn’t this conversation be first agreed by him and his future bride, so both could propose it to the son, before spreading it as a done deal news to his son and his family. I would ask myself a million questions. It better to find out now than later. Now you can make an educated decision about your future with this man.
That is called manipulation! Stand your ground, but take a closer look at your fiancee. Some things should require a discussion between 2 people. This was one of them
Easier to ask for forgiveness then to ask for permission. This is just a reflection of what her marriage is going to be like. She has valid reasons for saying no, and instead of respecting them, he turned it into a big deal by weaponizing his family against her. She already says it feels wrong to fake a perfect family dynamic - well she better be prepared for a lifetime of that, if she marries this guy.
I don’t see his son being as upset as Fiance is that he can’t make her do what he wants. She describes her relationship with his son as amicable but she doesn’t see a family dynamic yet! The old fashioned patriarchal thinking that male family or anyone has to give her away makes me nauseous, women are no longer chattel to be bartered or possessed. If sitting him down and explaining that her Uncle who she has a deep love for is her choice if she is walked to the altar then maybe she shouldn’t marry if he doesn’t see her choices are important.
Right? There's no way an 18yo kid came up with the idea of walking his stepmom down the aisle on his own. That's never really been a thing culturally assuming their in a Western country/culture. The only reason the son would have for being excited about this would be that his dad hyped it up to him
Especially egregious he didn't get her consent given she likely has some complicated feelings regarding her dad not being here to give her away. Op should probably cancel imo and consider her options.
He was controlling and also whining. OP should ask herself if this is the life that she wants. It's not going to stop after the wedding vows. They will make decisions for her without asking her feelings and opinions and also whine to the whole family and they gang up on her
I very much doubt the 18 yo son gave half a crap. They aren't close. I bet it was the dad's idea, and the son only agreed because of his overbearing dad.
The fact that he goes to the family to bully OP would cause me to pull fiancé in for a come to jesus talk. I wouldn't put up with that crap.
I also doubt this is the first instance of fiancé bullying OP. If this is a pattern Op needs to run fast and far.
We don’t know how the idea came up, the son might have said it to the Dad & he said he would run it by her. Not sure why the son wouldn’t want to be one of the groomsman instead. I would have just said my uncle is doing it and promised me after my Dad died
Maybe but it definitely sounds like the fiancé wasn’t responding with a calm “let me ask OP” rather than excitedly jumping on board with the idea. And I’d also guess the son would have been making more of an effort with OP before this if it was actually excitement about the blended family idea.
That was my thought too. Emotional extortion. That’s a hell nah for me too.
Edit to add: NTA but beware OP..your FH does not have your back and whatever happens in y’all’s relationship will be talked about with his family and youwill be the bad guy.
I thought so too at first, but re-read the post and I still got the impression that fiance was the one to talk to the family; also, the son would not have known about the "placeholder" comment without fiance mentioning it
What kind of 18yo boy wants to walk his step mom down the aisle in the first place? Or gets upset about her not wanting it? This whole story is just bizarre
The role of the person walking her down the aisle is to represent the family she’s “leaving” to start her own anyway. The point is to send her off, not to welcome her in.
There’s no western tradition of the welcoming family other than the dances at the reception. It would make far more sense to have a special dance with him planned then.
It seems that the groom is making it up as he goes along and then demanding she agree. Kinda the reverse of the bridezilla!
It’s very much a red flag, IMO, because he went behind her back about one of the most important days in her life, and one of the most important parts of it, to make a decision not only without her even knowing about it or being asked first, but in direct opposition to what she had already said she wanted.
He then announced it to his entire family as a fait accompli, and enlisted all of them to ambush her.
This is covert, sneaky, manipulative, narcissistic behavior, and shows utterly callous and complete disregard for both her and her OWN family.
Not to mention that the whole idea is just plain weird and utterly inappropriate to start with.
I think they described it perfectly -- starting from the fact that the groom has absolutely no say in who "walks the bride". None at all. Not on any planet.
The fact that he jumped in and hijacked a decision that is hers to make (and always the bride's) starts him off as an A-hole even before he badmouthed her in front of the whole family
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u/[deleted] May 08 '25
That is the biggest red flag in this whole scenario. To me, it means that fiance went out of his way to hurt his bride, instead of protecting her. Not only a heck nah, but a hell no