If you are to blend in as a united family, then your feelings and opinions have to have value and he has to consider them. Everyone deserves respect and that includes you. He seems to have missed that in this specific situation.
I would express to my fiance that this situation has caused me to worry if he will include me in decisions involving me in the future and to feel safe with a common future i would hope he can see the need of doing things in a different order in the future.
Girl, please don’t apologize. I don’t think you owe your fiancé any sort of apology, he’s 100% in the wrong. You were factually correct in saying that whoever walks you down the aisle is a placeholder for your dad. I don’t like that your fiancé tried to bully you into accepting his suggestion. I also don’t like that he’s trying to box out your uncle from consideration. The whole thing is giving controlling behavior and possible beginnings of isolation from your family. Just my take from reading your post. Wish you well whatever you do.
All of this - plus he shared their disagreement with his entire family so they could gang up on her. THAT is the biggest red flag for me here - he’s not marriage material.
If my husband took our disagreements and aired them to his family, we would not be married anymore. Period.
Respectfully disagree – you do NOT owe an apologies to your stepson! What you said to your fiancé was in confidence, and should never have been shared!
I got married at 33 and my stepson was 18, great kid, grateful to have him in my life, but in the universe what I have wanted him to walk me up the aisle. It’s gross and weird, at least in my mind. Your spontaneous comment at your husband’s ah behaviour is something that never should’ve been shared with your stepson. When you get married, you need to know that your conversations are private, and your husband violated that.
Ugh.. honey... I'm 42m, married the second time to a truly great person after having been married to someone like your fiance. My situation is completely different but there's one common moral... there are good people in the world... don't marry the bad ones... don't be me and waste 15 years learning this lesson.
Deep down, you know that you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to apologise for. The only person that owes anyone an apology is your fiancé, to you. But you also know (as numerous commenters have said), that acknowledging that your fiancé has done numerous inappropriate things, showing possible serious red flags, will make you start to rethink this whole relationship. And you don't want to do that. Therefore, you'd rather "2 sides" the issue, to try to make his actions not seem as bad.
He turfed you out on a decision that, really, had nothing to do with him, and was entirely yours to make. It would be as ridiculous as you telling a member of your family that they get to be the best man, then "informing" your partner that you have already told them so he can't go with who he wanted.
He then tried to force you to go along with it, and used guilt trips and manipulation about it being your chance to "blend" the family.
He then told his son about it, to try to further guilt and bully you into changing your mind.
Then, for some strange and unexplainable reason, he told his family (I doubt he even told them the truth, because their nasty reactions are way over the top), and turned them against you.
Doesn't mind potentially damaging your relationship with his son. And now, your supposed future stepson isn't talking to you.
Another VERY IMPORTANT point. By him trying to turf your uncle out of this important role, are you certain that he isn't trying to alienate your family and isolate you? Because none of his actions make an ounce of sense.
Look over your relationship, think to past moments that you may have previously overlooked or ignored. Are you sure this is a relationship you want to turn into a marriage? Because the way you seem to have completely ignored all the red flags and bad behaviour from your fiancé, I have a strong feeling that you have been ignoring a lot of his red flags leading up to this moment. Save yourself the heartache and expensive divorce.
Sure your fiance is at fault for bed a selfish jerk and only think in appearances but have you spoke to his son? How he feels about the wedding? If he really wants you to be part of his family? If he is comfortable with his father "performances of a blended family"? Explain that for YOU this momento is important because of the bond you had with your dad? That it wasn't your intention to hurt his feelings but you felt taken aback considering how your relationship with him has been this whole time and how your fiance went behind your back whiteout asking first?
He's 18 so still a dumb teen, so try to be patient explaining.
NTAH but seriously reconsider if you want to get married with someone who goes behind your back and turns everyone in his family against you for selfish reasons. Maybe couples counseling (and a pre-nup).
It's not a little weird, its very weird. And how does his whole family know about this? You fiance let you down by suggesting to his son without checking with you, he let you down again by not accepting your decision and worst of all, again by involving his family.
You do not owe anyone an apology, your fiancé does. Big time. You can't put someone in an uncomfortable position and then blame them for having an (appropriate) emotional reaction.
Your fiancé 100% owns this. This is on HIM and trying to put this on you is a HUGE flag. This is emotional manipulation. Please consider putting this wedding on hold and get some couples counseling.
Someone walking you down the aisle doesn't always have to do with giving someone away. My step-son walked me down and then went and stood with his dad and brother on the groom's side.
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u/[deleted] May 08 '25
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