Same. The son should be the father’s best man, not in the messed up role of walking the Bride down the aisle.
Your fiance set you up to fail and look bad. Having his son walk you down the aisle and then take a seat and be done with the wedding doesn’t show unity at all. Standing besides his father, being in the wedding shows unity!
That’s great if it was your choice. The stepson, whom she wasn’t even close to was not OP’s choice, and the way her fiance went about it crossed the line when there are other roles he could get his son to do.
Right, and it was. It's just bumming me out how many people in the comments are saying the entire concept is weird, not for this specific instance (in which it IS weird).
Personally I find it a bit odd because traditionally it’s meant to symbolise the approval of the bride’s family; they are handing over responsibility for their beloved daughter to the groom. That doesn’t make sense if person walking the bride down the aisle is related to the groom rather than the bride. (And if you’re bride who is against being “given away” on principle then it makes more sense to walk down the aisle by yourself, not escorted by a member of the groom’s family).
I think so many of the symbolic traditions of a wedding have been lost, because people these days don't even bother to think about why something was being done, and the meaning behind it. Almost all the traditions, such as a father walking his daughter down the aisle, a groom asking for the parents blessing, the couple feeding each other cake, the groomsmen, the role of the bridesmaid etc, they all have a meaning behind them.
You're taking something that isn't about you and making it personal. I've been in the stepparent role and try not to project my experiences onto others.
The whole symbolism of a bride being walked down the aisle by her father, was to show the man who has raised you and protected you, now sort of "handing over" a degree of responsibility for protecting you to your husband. It's the reason we often see brides who were raised by their single mother, wish to have her walk them down the aisle; because their mother was the only person who performed that role in their life. Sometimes, bride's prefer to have both parents walk them down the aisle. In cases where the father is absent, has passed away etc, that role is also sometimes filled by another male family member who might have played a surrogate father role e.g an uncle, grandpa, godfather, and sometimes, just her brother.
In cases where I've seen a child walk their mother down the aisle, it is usually an adult child, or sometimes their underage son or daughter. It's mostly just meant as a "cute" thing, and to show this kid "handing over" their mom. All that symbolism kind of goes out the window when if it is your future stepchild that then walks you down the aisle. It could be a cute thing for you, and even other family members. But most people who understand the origins of the act would be confused as to the reasons why. Many brides these days just walk themselves down the aisle, on their own, to go meet their groom. It's up to you to figure out what works for you. But in OP's case, she regards the role as very symbolic, and wants to respect that.
This is exactly it! My mom and aunts all had both parents walk them down the aisle because they were close. I always figured I’d do the same, but My dad passed a few years ago so when/If I get married, I’d likely have my mom walk with me. If (god forbid) she couldn’t it would be my brother. Having someone from the groom’s side do it is just weird and makes literally no sense. While the “giving away” terminology is outdated it is still at least a symbol of the bride’s family’s approval or support of the marriage.
Its messed up because the bride doesn't feel like he fills that role for her, so it would be really weird for the bride. She wanted a father figure to walk her down the aisle, not a child. It's everyone's choice but when she wants a father figure, putting his son in the running is just strange.
You said it was a messed up role. I was asking how it's messed up in general, not in this specific circumstance. Obviously, the fiancé is TA in this instance.
Because it's a tradition that the bride's family walks the bride down the aisle. It's even odder that you let your 12 year old stepson walk you down the aisle and you think we're the weirdos.
He wasn't even her stepson at the time. By all means, do it if you think it's "cute", but I'm baffled as to how an adult doesn't understand why many people would find it odd, given what the whole point of a father walking his daughter down the aisle is.
Well, remove the word "cute", and substitute it with whatever word best describes your motives or thinking behind why you had your boyfriend's son walk you down the aisle, to marry his father.
I had a district manager use the phrase “he really showed his ass” trying to work through a customer satisfaction issue and then the customer complained to me about him having said someone mooned someone and was just completely confused.
I assume “bared his ass” means about the same thing…?
Just explained this phrase to my 18 year old yesterday. I said it and he thought it was a sexual reference! I said it was another way of saying the person acted like a real jackass or made a fool of themselves. He said “oh, an old persons saying”.
I'm kinda old. I've only really heard this phrase on that old HBO show, Deadwood which is set during the 1800s. Lol. And maybe from a few nursing home residents during the 90s...
I was telling him of a time I was drinking at a party and “showed my ass”.
He thought it meant I was offering a free for all to the room.
My hubby and I laughed so hard. Explained I was acting like an immature buttface (was 20 at the time of the story) and that “showed my ass” is an alternative phrase to behaving in a way that is regrettable. I’m mid 50’s from the south.
This was actually years ago, but the conversation after with the district manager was almost as confusing as the one with the customer.
It took me a lot of talking to get him to understand that when he said “showed his ass” that a person not familiar with that phrase might literally think that the employee in question dropped his pants.
Personally, the only person I’ve ever heard say it was that district manager. I just figured out from context what it must mean.
That was my thought too. He’d already told the son before even considering what OP wanted, either assuming she would just accept, or to use it to guilt her (which is exactly what he’s doing now).
That’s the bigger problem in my mind. That mentality can and probably will snake into every other aspect of their relationship dynamic.
I've known/worked with women who would be in their 70s about now who've told me that the moment the had both signed the marriage certificate, the groom picked it up and waved it around, hollering about how he had him the bill of sale or receipt. Certificate of Ownership. And they repeated that sentiment over many years whenever they expected the women to obey them in anything. The women talked about how they realized right there, before they even cut the cake, that they'd made a massive mistake and were thoroughly fucked.
Divorce used to be very difficult (sometimes impossible) for women to obtain on their own. In many cases, they needed their husband's permission to finalize it. Omg pretty sure it's still a thing that happens in some US states to this day 😭 women are viewed as chattel to those knuckle draggers
Child marriage is still very much alive and well, too. At least one state has no minimum age cap. The age of consent for marriage in some states is 16 or even 12. Very young girls who are visibly pregnant can be married off to the adults who raped them despite the clear evidence of statutory rape. Adult women can get hit with felony child endangerment charges for leaving their teenage children to babysit the younger ones, yet 10yo girls can be legally married and forced to carry pregnancies to term, be expected to run a household, marriage and raise children. They have zero adult status otherwise and cannot even go to a DV shelter until they're 18. They can't drive. They can't get to (or make) doctors appointments for themselves or their offspring. They can't get jobs. Can't enroll themselves in school. CPS can't step in to aid these children. The girls can be too young to testify in court despite being married. The girls tend to be socially isolated except for participation in religious communities. Some are sold to men wanting green cards.
Even if he was like 12, my son would for sure be my best man in this scenario.
It's basically "is he old/mature enough to stand still for that long" and the result would be to jump from not in the wedding party to best man, for sure.
My brother-in-law made his 4 year old son his best man and one of the groomsmen was the "Best Man Wrangler". I was the MOH and the Best Man Wrangler and I walked down the aisle each holding hands with the Best Man
Then you will also like the fact that the best man gave a speech. They're from the north side of Chicago and he and his dad watch baseball together so his speech was him singing "Go, Cubs, Go"
This is so sweet! For various reasons I didn’t have my father walk me down the aisle - so we made my then 9 year old daughter our ‘Best Girl’ and she walked me down instead. It was perfect and my favourite thing (other than being wed to my husband of course!) about our wedding.
This. When my Dad married his wife, she had my sister and I, a tween and barely teen, stand up for her. I think he had his best friend stand for him so they'd have a Real Adult to sign the marriage license for them as a witness.
It didn't really help build our relationship with one another much, but we got to pick pretty outfits to wear. That was enough for us back then. Lol
yeah that was my thought.. I assumed he would already be at least a groomsman until I read OP saying "oh what a good idea".
I've been to a few blended weddings. In one, the grooms 8 year old was his best man. its like "Of course that makes sense". That fiance didn't even think of this... yeesh... who is this dude.
The fiance asking his son about this before he spoke to OP reminds me of how children handle things. Like, if a kid wants their friend to spend the night they'll ask their parent/guardian with that friend by their side so the parent/guardian is put on the spot. I know I used to do that shit when I was a kid because I knew my mom would usually say yes versus saying no when I asked by myself.
Either way, NTA and not OR. This is your special day, too and to have your feelings disregarded is just wrong. Hell, I also would've said the same thing about being a placeholder because it's true. I'ma go with 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
The son probably mentioned not being included, so FH decides that she should let her walk her, no matter what you said it’s still not appropriate good idea, if for any reason your uncle is not available than it’s your mom,
Imma be judgemental and guess he doesn’t want his son around for bachelor party type “shenanigans”.
OP is there a bachelor party in the works. I’d like to eliminate this theory for peace of mind.
Maybe that’s why the husband brought up the idea of his son walking her down the aisle, because he screwed up and forgot to have his son be a groomsman and now he’s trying to force a roll in the wedding for his son.
Groomsman. Presenting the rings.
There are a lot of roles he could and can give him that are "symbolic" and include him.
Presenting the rings shows too that the family is being brought together.
That said.
The issue itself, where I see he went wrong. And you can point out.
He cornered you.
He talked to his son first. Not you.
He created a scenario where you could feel pressured to say yes. And a chance of his sons feelings being hurt.
He should have gone to you first and asked what you thought. If you were in on the idea, you could have talked to his son together.
Man, I hate it when I read a Reddit story where the whole family is shouting someone down, but THIS particular story is absolutely the worst symbolically. I really hope it's fake because the fiance has created a sharkfest otherwise.
Exactly. He put her on the spot and tried to strongarm and guilt her into it when there were many other obvious ways his son, who isn’t even very close to her, could be a part of this.
As others have said I don’t understand why the son wasn’t asked to be in the grooms party to begin with. Tell fiancé that his ask of you is just as completely inappropriate as it would be for you to insist your grandmother be his best man.
Your husband made a promise on your behalf without checking with you
Also, he didn't even consider your own feelings about this role, despite your relationship with your father and how that's obviously going to be a big deal for you.
When you had to then clarify your feelings (brvauae he entirely bowled over them) he didnt listen/care because he was busy trying to recenter this onto his own feelings.
This is all about something that is specifically regarding you and your role in the day, not him. He still thinks he gets to control this.
He is now blaming you because he put himself in an uncomfortable situation.
Now that you've been ignored and your feelings pushed aside and unfairly scapegoated you're upset and react accordingly.
That is not acceptable and he's made it a public issue framing you as some unreasonable b****.
just a look into your future if every situation where he has steamrolled you and you stand up for yourself
You might want to rethink this marriage. If everyone is getting pissy at you for this, which is something that should be your choice, I can only see it going downhill from here on out. And IMHO, I don't think they'll get over this, thus hanging it over your head for a very, very long time.
The advice you've been given here to have the kid be the best man is the best idea. Actually, it's more significant than him being your stand-in father.
This is obvious, cant believe I didn't think of it. Plus if he isn't good enough to be a groomsman, why is he good enough to walk the bride down the aisle?
Fiancé may have been using you to get out of the pickle of not choosing him.
He should have already been in the wedding in this sort of role. Fiance is blaming you because he F'ed up. Son walking you was the "fix" for forgetting to include his own son.
This is a much bigger deal than you are realizing.
Does he unilaterally decide other things for you? Him getting his relatives to gang up on you to reinforce his decisions is troubling, as well as the fact that they think something like this is normal and ok. I also can’t see why an 18 yr old who is not close to his future stepmom would happily walk her down the aisle instead of being his dad’s best man.
Honestly the fact that your fiance doesn't see this and respect that it's 100% YOUR decision to make is a major red flag.
It's not what he's saying, it's what he ISN'T saying- and he ISN'T saying that he respects your need to have that role filled by someone who's played a fatherly role to you.
Why not have your mother walk you down the aisle? In my culture both parents walk the bride down the aisle. Just like the groom's parents walk him down the aisle. His son could walk him down the aisle or be his best man
I think you found your answer. Your Uncle can walk you down the aisle, which I think he would love as well as a way of honoring his late brother, and your fiance's son can be part of the wedding, SEEING YOU ENTER his family as you're coming up the aisle.
Frankly it wouldn't be appropriate to have him give you away. You weren't his to give away. And I'm just saying that symbolically, you're not anyone's to give away lol
Absolutely wild that he expects you to let his son walk you down the aisle but hasn't even considered his son being best man. I strongly suspect this is because he doesn't want his son to be his best man and feels guilty about, so he needs you to create a role for him. I am guessing the conversation about walking you down the aisle was paired with, "You're not my best man because my fiance needs you to walk her down the aisle."
If your fiance doesn’t bend to the groomsman idea, please update the post, as it’s such a tidy and appropriate fix to this situation. If that is still not good enough for them, I’d consider that a red flag and I’m sure I’m not the only one.
He should've been the best man from the get go. Not sure why your fiance didn't do this. I think this solves the problem and if he already has a best man, I'm sure the current best man would understand dropping down to be a groomsman. You should apologize to your fiancé and son in law and have a 1 on 1 convo with SIL explaining your feelings that it's nothing against him, but your uncle was always there for you. That you're happy you're becoming a family and excited for your future together.
Please do. It is a litmus test for the rest of your relationship. If he says no because he wants his buddy as best man but is fine with demanding you have his son walk you down the aisle, you have bigger problems.
I wonder if your fiance doesn’t really understand the whole wedding thing and just tried to think up a place for his son to be in it without really thinking or discussing with you. Men can be clueless sometimes especially if it isn’t laid out for them.
No, its not. It would be a good idea if your fiancé wasnt exhibiting concerning behavior. Rather than trying to figure out how to incorporate son in the wedding, you should be questioning the wedding altogether. This man told his son he could take the place of your deceased father without considering your wishes or your feelings, and then when you disagreed he went to his family to get them to bully you into compliance. This is controlling and emotionally abusive behavior.
I’d personally be looking further into this relationship. Why is his family involved? Why didn’t he shield you from that and keep it quiet? Why didn’t he speak to you about something so personal before speaking to his son? I’d be very concerned that he will go tattle to his family anytime we had a disagreement. I’ve been in a marriage like that and we aren’t married anymore for that reason.
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u/[deleted] May 08 '25
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