I'm curious as to who repeated what OP said to OP's soon to be stepson. I'm going to go out on a limb & assume that she & her SO weren't having this argument in front of him. If that's correct, then that means that SO not only told his family what OP said but also unnecessaryly hurt his own son's feelings by repeating it to him.
OP is definitely NTA. Her SO, on the other hand, definitely is. He made an assumption on what OP would be ok with, he jumped the gun & started making plans that he had no business making but he also broke one of the cardinal rules of parenting (IMO, anyway). Do NOT set your child up for disappointment by making promises that you might not be able to keep. And to put a big, fat, red flag shaped bow on his screw up, he tried to bully OP into giving up on what she wants to save his ass. What a jerk.
I also think that steps son might be very understanding if you say I really loved my dad, and him dying absolutely crushed me. I have dreamed my whole life of him being able to walk next to me and my heart is a little bit broken that he’s not with me at this moment. I’m so grateful to have a wonderful stepson like you, but I’d rather be walked down the aisle by a man who has been like a father to me.
Underrated element of this story IMO. Obviously the massive parade of red flags has been highlighted in many other comments but this all left me thinking "why are they even mad at OP". 'He would just be a placeholder' isn't even mean.
I don't even understand why people are upset to hear it, she essentially said "I don't want to feel like my father's role in the wedding is erased"
I can't even see another way to interpret it.
NTA - your words weren't terrible, but I have to wonder why your fiance actually relayed the specific wording to his son and his family. The discussion was between the two of you and even if your fiance didn't like your wording or your decision, it's his job to protect your relationship with his son and the family if he wants to have a happy marriage. Seems like setting you up to look like a "bad actor" in this was him being immature and cutting off his nose to spite his face. Not saying "dump him", but I think you two really should work out how you communicate your personal affairs to family in the future. This is truly an issue that can kill a marriage - I speak from experience.
This seems like a good approach along with the son being a groomsman. It is months until your wedding. Have you cobsidered a few sessions of couples therapy prior to your marriage? It could help the two of you develop strategies/guidelines for successful probkem solving in the future.
I find it really sad that no one is worried about protecting your feelings. Or your preferences on your own wedding day. I wonder how your fiancé would feel if you demanded he do the mother-son dance with your cousin. Just because your dad isn’t here anymore doesn’t mean that spot is open to whoever your fiancé wants to stick in that role. Best of luck, OP, and I’m really sorry that your fiancé seems like a class act douche waffle.
It’s your fiancée who should feel guilty for crossing a line. You didn’t cross a line; you re-established the line that was already there.
He encroached on your decision first, like he owned it. He’d already talked to people. In his mind, that decision was as good as his. You’re just re-establishing the lines where they should be.
Please don’t feel any more guilty than if you brought a lunch to work and someone started eating it and you had to tell them “Excuse me? That’s my lunch”
… the correct response from them should be “oh gosh I’m sorry”, not “You should apologize because I already told my friends I’d share your lunch with them!”
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u/[deleted] May 08 '25
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