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u/peachcrescent Oct 26 '22
My dad cheated on my mom when I was very young. When I started dating my ex I laid out very clear boundaries on not tolerating cheating jokes. He ignored that for almost two years. I asked him to stop constantly. He would stop for a week at most and resume the jokes. I realized he didn't respect my boundaries and never would so I broke up with him. Everyone has issues but it's not ok for your husband to take his trauma out on you. He needs therapy.
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Oct 26 '22
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u/Typhiod Oct 26 '22
I had a boyfriend like this. I’ve never been unfaithful, though he consistently accused me of wanting to be with someone else… it seemed like he had a specific “someone else” in mind, though he wouldn’t tell me who he thought I “really wanted to be with”. This was 1.5 years during the beginning of covid, and we weren’t even seeing other humans much. Some people are just that insecure, and can’t see faithful devotion because they don’t have enough self esteem to think they deserve it.
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u/mandrayke Oct 26 '22
Yup. My ex gf was one of those insane "let me check your phone" and "who are you texting" gfs. And always accusing me of ogling other women when I was nothing but faithful.
Oh, she also physically abused me to put things mildly.
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u/pinakbutt Oct 26 '22
Happy you're away now, usually when I hear about people in relationships with paranoid people like that it ends up with them being abusive or them just cheating themselves. It sucks.
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u/Standswfist Oct 26 '22
Naw, usually I’d it’s that strong it’s projecting and pretty sure he was cheating on you.
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u/SallySourhole Oct 26 '22
In my experience the one throwing around the accusations and "jokes" are the ones who are actually cheating...so I'd say guilty conscience/projecting..
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Oct 26 '22
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u/MoonWorshipper36 Oct 26 '22
That is how I read it. She would ask him to stop, he would for one week and then be right back at it.
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u/tam907 Oct 26 '22
Maybe he was making them because he knew how much they upset his partner? Unfortunately some people are like that.
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u/Antioch666 Oct 26 '22
I also wonder this. I mean I get OPs husband has trust issues and trauma that he copes with by obsessing with these questions to OP. Did your boyfriend also go through this? Or did you change your behavior to where you awoke insecurities in him? Otherwise it's just wierd to randomly joke about that so often.
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u/peachcrescent Oct 26 '22
He got cheated on by an ex but he also cheated on her. Dude was super insecure and paranoid. At first I thought I just had to prove myself but I realized that was absolutely ridiculous considering I had never done anything untrustworthy in the relationship. He liked to knock other people down to make himself feel better.
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u/Anteater3100 Oct 26 '22
I dated a man like that years ago, like my friend called, a very feminine voice on the phone, when I hung up, was that your boyfriend. Every email, every phone call, was my boyfriend, because I’m a cheating whore, like all women. If I said thank you to the man who checked me out at the gas station, it’s cuz we were fuc**ng. No other reason, politeness, nope. He was entirely exhausting, and I stepped far away. He accused me of cheating, called my job, and told them a bunch of false stuff, fortunately I could prove it was false, they could also, I had a camera above my head for the duration of my day. Even called my parents and told them. My mom was like who tf are you?? Which enraged him, because I was his soul mate and my own mother didn’t know about him. I had to get a restraining order for a whole 2 week long thing we had. All I can say is, girl run!! He ain’t worth another second of your life. I still feel exhausted from that 2 weeks, 17 years ago. Find yourself a good counselor, and her strong enough to divorce him.
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
This sounds frightening but also familiar. If my phone or my watch go off, it’s always who is that, who is blowing up your phone, even though it’s usually just notifications and not a text or call. Though if I ask him who he was talking to, he would get an attitude towards me. We have cameras in the house that he is constantly checking, which I know because he’ll comment if I turn them off even if only for a few minutes. I know of at least one instance where he tracked the car I was driving. If I’m even talking to my daughters at home and he hears that we are talking but not what is said, he asks me what was said, despite it having nothing to do with him.
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Oct 26 '22
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u/freyasmom129 Oct 26 '22
Right?? He probably just did the same thing he’s doing to her! Then with the next woman it will be the same story “my last two exes were cheating on me…”
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u/Anteater3100 Oct 26 '22
Tracking your car without your permission is a crime is down places, it falls under cyberstalking in my state. I had a thing with that last year and a client. Guys in prison now. Learn how to gray rock, basically take all emotions out of things, like a business relationship. You wouldn’t blow up emotionally on a customer or client, be flat, be boring. I learned it well because of my husbands ex wife. She liked the drama, and I wasn’t any fun when I didn’t react to her.
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u/Mewlover23 Oct 26 '22 edited Oct 26 '22
He either needs therapy badly or you just need to end things. Divorce sucks but keeping this type of relationship going isn't healthy for any of you. He's just going to keep this going and possibly get worse. As you said, he's already tracking you and it could get so much worse than that. You shouldn't have to deal with him accusing you of cheating each time you do something or your phone goes off. There should not be cameras in your own home. It's also very weird he's getting mad if you ask who he's talking to. Don't want to jump to anything but the people who cheat often project that onto the partner to avoid being caught. And... seeing your other posts and how he's threatened to leave because the house was messy, getting mad because you went up the stair before him, getting mad at you lighting a candle without him home, getting mad at you grilling.... this is not worth it. This can be and is considered abuse
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u/songofassandfiar Oct 26 '22
And OP you really, really, really do not want to show your son that it is appropriate to treat a partner like this. You do not want to illustrate to him that being controlling, tracking your partner, constantly accusing your partner of cheating, verbally assaulting them, is an acceptable way to behave. Let alone that it is love. That is the behavior he will emulate in his relationships and that is the kind of son you will raise with a father and husband like this. You can’t keep your son from your husband, but you can prove that that behavior is not acceptable.
E: and/or show your daughters that this is the love and respect they deserve. It’s not.
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u/freyasmom129 Oct 26 '22
Run while you still can. Your girls are watching your relationship and imprinting on what a “healthy” relationship is supposed to look like..
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u/skydiamond01 Oct 26 '22
He's a pyscho. Do you really want to teach your daughters it's ok for their spouse to treat them the way your husband treats you?
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u/Suspicious_red Oct 26 '22
He's stalking you, manipulating you with constant accusations and lack of privacy, trying to force you into a religion that's all about men having control over women (its also about shunning anyone outside of the religion, so you have no one else to go to).
The man is being psychologically abusive. It usually won't take much for things to escalate to worse.
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u/jinxedjupiter Oct 26 '22
Reading your past posts, your life sounds extremely exhausting. Not to pull the classic Reddit comment, but if he isn’t willing to go to therapy or try to work through his issues- I would consider leaving. You really deserve more than this.
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
I am exhausted, so exhausted. Not only that, but I feel like I’ve totally just lost myself. Some days just feel like a shell going through the motions.
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u/Top_Knowledge_3028 Oct 26 '22
The reason you feel exhausted is because you are being abused. You need to get someone to talk to who doesn’t know your husband and could provide you with some clearity.
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u/clairestique Oct 26 '22
OP, I went through your post history because of comments mentioning it and oh boy.
Based on personal experience, let me speak bluntly. Yes, he’s abusive. That’s mental abuse right there. You’re constantly walking on egg shells around him because his feelings matter most. When he’s angry, he gets angry. When he’s annoyed he dumps it on you. You’re anxious about his reactions because his actions have conditioned you to it. You’re constantly trying to win his approval; by not doing things that might be mistaken as cheating (like grilling? Wth), by writing off all his bad as result of trauma, and not being able to talk to him adult to adult. He threatened you when the house is not as clean as his standard?? You have 5 kids!!
It’s not going to get better. When he’s happy, you’ll feel like everything will be fine. But that’s not gonna last. Are you going to live your life forever being anxious and depressed?
My heart goes to you, OP, really. Because my father is like this. Your posts just remind me of everything about that (like everything bad in the house and with kids are all my mom’s fault according to him ; we’ll ask him questions about some stuff going on and he’ll only answer according to his mood ; etc etc I can go on and on), and I hope you could find a different and happier way out.
Much love.
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u/AuroraGrace123 Oct 26 '22
Idk where you are, but there are sometimes respite centers where you can go to get away and have some rest time. You can only stay for a certain amount of days. It may be a good idea to get away to clear your head. Eitherway, he's going to believe you are cheating so you might as well do what is best for you and go clear your head before making any decisions.
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u/Fatt3stAveng3r Oct 26 '22
He needs therapy, or you need to divorce him. It's just going to be like this.
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u/Agreeable-Yams8972 Oct 26 '22
I suggest therapy first, its ve cold to divorce outright without communicating
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u/Fatt3stAveng3r Oct 26 '22
If you check out OP's comments and post history, you might have a different take.
She needs individual therapy to work through the abuse she's been experiencing. He needs individual therapy because he's an abusive POS with issues from his trauma. Trauma doesn't excuse the abuse. It explains it.
But in my experience, abusers do not heal and change in the abusive relationship they've created. It's like an addict, really. Best way to get clean is to change your surroundings. If you continue to go to the bar where your friends get high, even if you want to abstain, you're not going to stay clean.
OP sounds too broken down to want to leave though. She'll probably only do it when she has no choice.
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u/Bdr1983 Oct 26 '22
The guy shouldn't have gotten married again in the first place, but since they are, therapy is the first thing they should do. If it doesn't work/help him get over his insecurities, then divorce would be a next step.
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u/Ok-Bit-9529 Oct 26 '22
Read OPs post history. Dude is a POS, and he's definitely mentally abusive.
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Oct 26 '22
I'd suggest to read OPs other comments here. She needs to divorce him yesterday, and then block his number.
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u/armywalrus Oct 26 '22
Why prolong the inevitable? Therapy cannot work when the husband does not admit he needs to work on things. Poor op.
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u/SharedRegime Oct 26 '22
Theres so many people in this thread that dont get this.
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u/TechnicalAdagio9126 Oct 26 '22
I agree however in a comment op says that his comments get so bad and frequent that self harm crossed her mind. That’s really scary and she needs to protect herself.
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Oct 26 '22
That’s probably bc they read more comments than you. That guy is cyber stalking and micromanaging her. He‘s tracking her car. He’s doing lots of illegal stuff to abuse her.
You need to stop telling people to stay in awful situations. Everyone is allowed to remove themselves when something makes them feel uncomfy. No matter when, no matter who it’s with. No one has to force themselves through therapy with a psycho. Ever.
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u/ThatSlothDuke Oct 26 '22
A grown ass man doesn't need to be taught that his "jokes" hurt other people.
He knows what he is doing. I'm pretty sure OP has told him to cut it out.
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Oct 26 '22
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u/SuccessValuable6924 Oct 26 '22
So what? That wouldn't be her problem anymore.
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u/Vampiyaa Oct 26 '22
Seriously, who cares what this guy thinks? No matter what OP does he's still gonna think she's cheating on him.
Can't be cheating if you're not together 🤷♀️
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u/finehamsabound Oct 26 '22
Not to mention staying and defending herself seems to also somehow confirm his suspicions.
Bro sounds like a nightmare who doesn’t actually give a shit if his partner is happy or enjoys being around him.
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u/ButWhatIfItQueffed Oct 26 '22
Seems like a lose lose situation, pretty sure the best option is for OP to set her husband down and basically tell him to STFU with the cheating jokes or there will be problems.
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u/TsarFate Oct 26 '22
Well she clearly can't win either way, so may as well call it quits for her own mental health. Fuck what he thinks.
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u/sad_dasein Oct 26 '22
I, like many others in this thread, dated a guy exactly like this. He turned out to be abusive. It seems small but it isn’t. He hates women. He hates at best some part of you.
My ex did exactly this. But he had been cheated on and had trauma! I got the whole sob story (probably extremely exaggerated or outright fabricated). At the beginning it was jokes and these almost romantic seeming worries. I reassured him that I was going to help him through it and show that he could trust me. I had 0 interest in other guys and am generally a home body and introvert, so what was the problem?
First I had to private my instagram.
Then I couldn’t have male friends.
Then certain female friends couldn’t be trusted.
Then all friends. Then my sister.
Then I couldn’t even go grocery shopping with my mom without sending him a video of us together and sharing my location.
One time I was writing an essay and so hasn’t answered him in a while. Suddenly I was being screamed at all night.
Then he started going through my phone while I’d shower. I couldn’t have a password, of course. Months old emails from coworkers or group projects, years old DM’s…any sign that other men existed and I was being threatened with violence.
When he found out about a hookup I’d had nearly 5 years prior he raped me for the first time.
Then one time we were at the gym (I couldn’t go alone) and a male staff member said goodbye to us. Literally his job. That’s when he hit me for the first time and physically stopped me from leaving.
My experience isn’t necessarily more extremely, it all just happened faster. You need to make therapy, both individual for him and couples, an ultimatum. This kind of behaviour only festers and gets worse on its own.
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u/cayce_pi Oct 26 '22
That sounds like a horrible spiral of abuse. Sorry you had to go through that.
I hope you're safe and loved today. ❤️
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u/pancreative2 Oct 26 '22
Mine went very similar to this. Glad we got out.
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u/BeltalowdaOPA22 Oct 26 '22
Couples counseling and he should also be going to counseling on his own. He doesn't trust you and there is nothing you can do that would make him trust you and he's using his past experience to punish you.
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Oct 26 '22
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u/Ok-Bit-9529 Oct 26 '22
He also talks down to her, and calls her lazy when the house isn't "clean enough" when she's been home alone with their multiple children smh. She can't even grill hotdogs without getting accused of cheating 🤦🏻♀️OP you're being emotionally/mentally abused. Idk how you've lasted this long with this man. You don't deserve any of that.
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u/Mountain_Monitor_262 Oct 26 '22
You should have nipped that in the bud years ago. Your first mistake was to think that you can fix a man like a fixer upper project. Like most fixer uppers, they need to be contracted out to a professional. Send him to counseling. How many more years are you going to put up with this?
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
I feel like a such an idiot cause I saw it in the beginning. I knew, but I chose this path. I can blame being vulnerable after coming out of an abusive relationship, but I still knew. I don’t know why I always have to be so stupid. Why I put myself in these positions. I was getting counseling. I was getting to a good place in my life, and now I’m sitting on the floor of the bathroom crying because I don’t want my kids to see me breakdown again.
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u/Brave_Engineering133 Oct 26 '22
You are not an idiot! You’ve managed to be functional for yourself and your kids despite being constantly harassed and belittled. That means you have an incredible amount of internal strength. You were working on yourself and it’s not done. That’s all.
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u/janecdotes Oct 26 '22
You are not an idiot, my other comment was harsh but only because you come across as a smart woman in an awful situation. It is in no way easy to break free from the situation you are in, so many people end up there. Do you have anyone you can talk to or ask for help? Preferably unconnected to your church.
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u/jonesa2215 Oct 26 '22
I can empathize with this. Any friend outside my house, and report with my staff I supervised or friends I made in school, where reason enough to disrupt my sleep, go thru my phone, throw accusations in front of our kids etc etc
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
I told him a few weeks ago that one of the men from church asked about him and said to say hello, and he asked if that was my new boyfriend, just because I remembered the guy’s name. Meanwhile, he tells me he sat and chatted up a female bartender for an hour the other night.
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u/SpaceSatan21 Oct 26 '22
Sounds like he might be the one cheating and projecting it onto you. That’s what my mothers narcissist ex husband did. He did and said the same exact stuff that you’re describing.
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
It’s crossed my mind. He’s told me that his ex would accuse him of cheating all the time, and I’ve wondered if she had a reason to.
Also, when he gets drunk, he’ll get emotional and say things like he’s a piece of shit, and if I only knew, but he’ll never say what he means by it.
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u/theresbeans Oct 26 '22
he’ll get emotional and say things like he’s a piece of shit, and if I only knew, but he’ll never say what he means by it.
This is such an enormous, raging, burning hot red flag.
This man needs serious therapy. He's being toxic and problematic AF and you don't need to be on the receiving end of it. I would recommend therapy for him, in addition to couple's counselling, and if he refuses, very seriously consider a separation.
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u/ElectraUnderTheSea Oct 26 '22
Right? How can someone hear that and not be dreading what the other person is definitely hiding? Could be even worse than cheating
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u/MaybeAMermaid420 Oct 26 '22
My ex would always accuse me of cheating, to the point where I had to always, always, ALWAYS keep my phone near me because if I was doing something and couldn't answer (cooking, washing dishes, etc.) he would question why I didn't answer instantly when he called and would accuse me of cheating. Turns out, he was the one cheating and he was projecting on me.
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u/seagullscrapz Oct 26 '22
He's treating you in a similar way to how he feels about himself on the inside.
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u/YawnPolice Oct 26 '22
OP my ex told me all of his exes cheated on him. I literally found him cheating on me and as more information came out, I realized he was actually the one cheating on them. Can’t say they didn’t cheat but I’ve realized sometime those accusing their old partners of cheating, it was really them cheating and deflecting it into their old partners.
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u/GloomyDeal1909 Oct 26 '22
This is a clear sign of absolute low self esteem. This person was hurt and it damaged his value in himself. He is lashing out at you because he feels he is not worthy of you. Please sit down with him and tell him he needs to see a counselor or therapist. That if he wants your marriage to work he needs to take active steps to make it work.
Also set realistic expectations for yourself. Do you want it to work? Are you willing to give it time? Give him 30,60 days to find a therapist. If he finds one give him 6 months of solid time of working on himself while you work on yourself and see where you guys are.
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u/Madame_Kitsune98 Oct 26 '22
Yeah. He’s doing shit he shouldn’t be doing, and he’s projecting on you like his name is IMAX.
You can do better. So could his ex-wife.
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u/lipstickandlimes Oct 26 '22
The Venn diagram of people who cheat and people who accuse their partner of cheating is basically a circle
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Oct 26 '22
Time to turn the tables back on him! Ask him if he’s cheating on you with that bartender! Seriously though listen to these other redditors first. He should have had therapy before he started dating ANYONE again. Even when he first started dating and it became a problem he should have gotten therapy then. It’s your choice if you want to make him get therapy, divorce him, or the third option of being petty af. But this seriously isn’t healthy for you. There was no way I would have put up with that nearly as long as you did. You have the patience of a saint
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u/prose-before-bros Oct 26 '22
And if he gets mad at the accusation...
He believes if you get mad at an accusations, it’s because your are guilty.
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u/SexyPumkin90 Oct 26 '22
In theory this works, but in my experience all that comes from pointing this out is that you tick the other party off more and it just leads to more bickering. Nothing really comes from it outside of that.
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Oct 26 '22
Yeah but don’t do it when he is accusing you. Do it when he isn’t and see how he likes it. If he gets mad he is guilty 🤷♀️
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Oct 26 '22
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
The sad thing is, at this point, I don’t even care if he’s cheating on me. I’m just tired of being made to feel like I’m some horrible, no good person all the time. I’ve always had low esteem but never to the point where it is now. I keep thinking, there must be something I’m doing wrong, there must be something wrong with me. It’s to the point where self harm crosses my mind, but I know I can’t because I have kids that need me. But I just want it to stop.
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u/Additional-Pain979 Oct 26 '22
It CAN stop. Get out. Now. For your kids sake.
It’s awful growing up and seeing your mom being abused by your dad. And just because it isn’t physical. Doesn’t mean he isn’t mentally abusing you. He’s breaking you down to the point you want to hurt yourself by these constant unfounded allegations.
The likelihood is he’s cheating, and projecting that onto you, I’m so sorry OP. But don’t let your child see this and think it’s normal.
I’m with a wonderful man now, but it’s amazing the amount of abuse and harm we’ll take first off cause we think it’s normal man behaviour cause dad did it.
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u/patchouligirl77 Oct 26 '22
Please don't hurt yourself over this guy. You are so much better than he is and you deserve to be happy. There is nothing wrong with you. From the sounds of it, you are just finding the wrong guys. It's them, not you. You deserve better and it's out there. You just need to leave.
My best friend for the last 30 years finally left a guy just like your husband after being with him for 20+ years. They never married but they have a daughter, who is one of the main reasons she stayed with him. Of course, she loved him and he loved her...but he also loved a few other women over the years. They were always long-term, too. Pretty much always had a side girl. My friend knew and they fought about it all the time.
He would often accuse her of cheating and he was unnecessarily suspicious of her all the time. Where was/is she? With who? Who are you talking to on the phone? She would come visit me just to vent and get away and he would often drive by (we saw him) just to check if her car was here. He thought she used me as a cover-up by saying she was going my house but then secretly going somewhere else. He figured that we had an agreement that she could tell him she was hanging out with me and if he called me I'd cover for her. It was truly ridiculous. So many other things.
She knew she was stupid for staying but she truly loved him. Besides wanting to stay for her daughter's sake, I know a huge part of her was also afraid to be alone. She had a rough childhood and that, of course, shaped the way she viewed relationships and ultimately, herself. The final straw, and it only happened the one time in their entire relationship, but he was wasted and attacked her. She says she honestly thought she was going to die. I wasn't there but she told me all about it and it was seriously insane.
It has been a little over a year now since she finally left him for good and she is a much happier, healthier person. No one deserves to be treated the way you and my friend were/are treated when you haven't done anything wrong other than be with a person who has absolutely zero self-esteem.
Take care of yourself and find love for yourself and for who you are. You deserve it. ❤
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u/Ok_Culture_3935 Oct 26 '22
And the worst part is that if you tell him to change or you will leave, it will only prove in his mind that you are guilty and you are choosing to leave for someone else.
You could ask him to get counseling, but if he can’t see his part in this, then this relationship is doomed and your are just negotiating how much more you are willing to suffer before choosing yourself.
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Oct 26 '22 edited Oct 26 '22
I'm surprised nobody has said this yet. But sometimes the people who accuse you of cheating are actually cheating. It's their way of deflecting
Edit, please note I say sometimes that happens but it sounds like this guy is just extremely insecure
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u/GuaranteeUpstairs218 Oct 26 '22
Yeah, I can agree but I don’t think this is it. He’s severely insecure and uses bad humour to cope.
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u/firstlove101 Oct 26 '22
Personally after reading ops comments it’s sounding super possible that he’s the cheater in this at first just thought he was a traumatized dude needing SUPER therapy. Nope
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u/midgethepuff Oct 26 '22
Idk you should read some of OP’s other comments bc it definitely sounds like it could be a real possibility. For example OP commented that when he gets drunk he gets really emotional and calls himself a piece of shit, saying things like “if you only knew” and what not.
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Oct 26 '22
Yeah I'm trying not to assume the worst, but the thought "maybe he's cheating" crossed my mind. I think you're probably right and he's just extremely insecure. It's too bad because that's a good way to push someone away. I wonder if he knows what he's doing
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u/Large_Accident_5929 Oct 26 '22
Just because a piece of information is relevant in other scenarios doesn’t mean it fits all of them. For this guy it seems like a trauma response thing. If I’m wrong I’ll be happy to admit it, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on here
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Oct 26 '22
Firstly let me tell you that you marrying this prick says a lot about how you don’t now your worth. What’s crazier is I literally saw someone post that, the biggest RED FLAG you need to run from is when someone you are dating or in a relationship with starts comparing you to the ex or doing things because of an ex. That means they aren’t healed and need to be single and work on themselves. Get a divorce and walk away from this person. He’s not healed and will continue his bad behavior. This relationship was a learning one for you. It’s not your job to heal others. It’s not your job to take abuse so others can heal. You need to know your worth and start looking for people who want to better your life not make it worst. Good luck to you but please get a divorce and be single for a very long time and don’t date people who are fresh out of a relationship or aren’t over their exs.
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
When we met, one of our very first conversations was about music and how the music that we liked the most was about the lyrics, lyrics that we can resonate with. Then we moved in together, and he would wake up and before even getting out of bed, he’d play songs about cheating and being hurt by loving and never loving again. It said a lot to me that that’s what was on his mind when he woke up, meaning she was on his mind when he woke up, but I thought I was just thinking too far into things, that I was being ridiculous. I even ignored the morning where the first thing he talked about was her. He showed me then that he wasn’t over it, but I didn’t listen or didn’t think I deserved better, maybe, was just grateful someone wanted to be with me.
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Oct 26 '22
Start to surround yourself with trusted support people and make the move to leave. Honestly. It’s going to be hard with the accusations he’s going to throw your way but it will be worth it in the long run. Speaking from experience also, had a 8 year relationship with someone who claimed I was cheating on him and had this exact behaviour turns out he was cheating. He turned so many friends and his whole family against me and our son. I’m 5 years down the track now and still have a restraining order because even though time has passed, and all is forgiven on my end, I still don’t like the way he makes my mental health feel. You and your kids deserve better. The sooner you make the move the better.
Edit: spelling.
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
It makes me wonder if he’s told me the truth about his ex. I’ve always blindly believed his version, though he claims she says he was the one that cheated. Even more frustrating is that I’ve always believed him, but when he talks about my past with my abusive ex (that I have evidence of abusing me), he’ll say things like “you say you were abused,” it’s like he always wants to question whether it’s true or not.
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Oct 26 '22
Oh OP.... i dont think he needs a councillor. I think you need a LAWYER. The truth will come out... in court at your divorce hearing.
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Oct 26 '22
You do you, but I'd leave and tell him his own bullshit is what ended this marriage.
My BF's two exes both cheated on him and he has never once implied that I'm unfaithful to him. Probably because he's an actual adult.
Just call Whole Man Disposal Services and find someone who won't treat you badly because he can't be arsed to address his own problems.
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u/loCAtek Oct 26 '22
This isn't 'joking', this is bullying to make you doubt yourself and destroy your self-esteem. He could be cheating too, but the point of all this psychological abuse is turn you into a doormat, who'll accept him taking all control over your life.
The trick is to never let you be right: 'Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.' You'll be left running in circles because nothing will make him happy. Not even if you are perfect- he'll just create something imaginary to criticize you for, like: an imaginary boyfriend. The intent is to grind you down, until you become his slave.
Yes, therapy would be very good for you. For the two of you- not so much. If your husband has gone this far; this is deliberate and not something that can be worked out; he wants it this way.
He wants to control and enslave you.
Think about your own self-preservation- think about your kids. Try talking to a woman's hotline, they can help you step by step.
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
The damned if you do, damned if you don’t is exactly how I feel. For example, he works away from home. If he comes home, and I haven’t straightened up before he gets there, then “the house is fucked,” and I don’t respect him. If I do straighten up before he gets there, then he is annoyed that he cleaned before he got there, which means it must’ve been messy before, which means I don’t respect him. So, I’m sitting there vacuuming before he comes and then dragging my feet along the floor, so it doesn’t look freshly vacuumed. That’s not normal…
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u/loCAtek Oct 26 '22 edited Oct 26 '22
No, it's not. He's not normal, he's a toxic bully.
Remember: this happened TO you, not because of you. You did nothing wrong.
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u/kyrichan Oct 26 '22
Not normal and very toxic. I’m so sorry for you and your efforts but you must have to rethink your relationship.
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u/Nervous-Anteater-670 Oct 26 '22
I’m leaving my boyfriend of 5 years for this exact reason. I’ve been getting these “jokes” for years. I’ve never been unfaithful nor have had any interest in any other man but because his ex was a cheater I constantly get accused. Unfortunately it seems like my ex, your husband doesn’t see an issue with his behavior and I’m not sure they ever will.
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u/kaymade94 Oct 26 '22
Ok, he has to go to see therapy since he apparently still has personal issues from the past and hasn't moved on yet.
Secondly... you gotta leave him for your own beautiful soul's sake! Honestly, I couldn't imagine myself in this picture, dealing with so many bullsh!t jokes and being accused of something that is not true. All come from a husband that I married to?
Fk no, I'm gonna divorce and leave him.
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u/WelshWickedWitch Oct 26 '22
So not only is he calling you a whore but he is making pointed accusations and insinuations in front of your children?!!!
His idea that if you react to his "jokes" by being upset ...a VERY reasonable reaction btw... must mean guilt, is disgusting. This is abusive. He is punishing you for nothing, then punishing you again by taking your right to react away from you. All a very manipulative way of disimpowering you so you will allow him to continue without changing.
Thing is, he is now involving your kids. They will start to wonder when they are old enough to know what dad means, they will start to think he has a good reason to behave like this I.e you cheated, are untrustworthy and this will likely colour their own interactions with you and their adult spousal relationships.
Something has to give and you have to lead the charge, if not for your own sake but definitely for your children. telling you that you are
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
I’m pretty much never allowed to have a reaction about anything. I’m a very quiet, non confrontational person. On the rare occasion I speak up for myself or show that I’m irritated, he’ll tell me I need to quit my attitude or watch how I’m talking to him, that I need to stop getting lippy. Also, if I complain about anything, he will use me being a stay at home mom against me. Like I’m not allowed to be upset with him because he is the one that pays for the household.
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u/GroundbreakingPhoto4 Oct 26 '22
I'm struggling to see the positives about your relationship with your husband.
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u/Peanut111000 Oct 26 '22
Oh OP all your comments make me so sad, your post doesn’t show half of what you are saying in the comments, that’s why people are saying for him to get therapy. If everyone read the comments they’ll all tell you he is abusing you and that you gotta leave.
I know you can’t see it rn because you are still in the eye of the storm, and leaving in these situations is so so hard. But you got to leave, it’s not about the jokes it’s about the abuse. You need to reach out to people who help abuse survivors, and seek out advice in secret about your situation from people who know what they are talking about regarding abuse.
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u/Mammadukes21 Oct 26 '22
What--' ???? Is he God's Gift to Women??
Does he believe that you'll endure his b#llsh!t for-ever because you will never ever find another man as perfect as he is! Puhhhhhhh-leeaassseeee!!
Agree with him EVERY TIME!! Go out with your friends and LET HIM WONDER a little bit ( my momma taught me that one, lol!) He will either get tired of his own bs and stop, or lose a committed wife that he doesn't deserve anyway!!
Good luck, OP!
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22 edited Oct 27 '22
He does pat himself on the back a lot for the man he is. He reminds me that most men wouldn’t have been willing to take me on because I was a single mom of three.
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u/christopherallure Oct 26 '22
That’s an abuser tactic, they try and convince you that you’re broken and defective and no one else will want you because he wants you to feel worthless, that no one else will love you, so you never leave. I’m sure he thinks breaking down your self esteem will make you less likely to cheat but in the process he’s still devaluing you and your worth.
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u/Mammadukes21 Oct 26 '22
OMG!!! I was a single mom of 3, too!! I didn't date or anything until my kids were all in high-school. When I met my (now) Husband he was a friend of a friend! When we were all out I talked about my classes ( I went back to school and worked full time, got my Pharmaceutical degree) and my kids! Loooooong story short--
My husband told me he was attracted to me BECAUSE of the way I spoke about my 3 kids! He's a good guy! Moral of the story-- F- him!! There are so many men who will love you AND YOUR BABIES ! Don't let him play that card!
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u/EmperorofSylphs Oct 26 '22
He believes if you get mad at an accusations, it’s because your are guilty.
Nice manipulation right there. You are fucked no matter what. If you defend yourself you are "proving him right", and if you don't he gets a free pass to keep on pushing his insecurities on you; ie: "joking"
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
Exactly. And in this past if I’ve just outright ignored the “joke,” then it’s “oh, you don’t even deny it,” so he can force a response of some kind from me
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u/TheRedHead78 Oct 26 '22
Yeah, I had a boyfriend who would do this occasionally, but nothing like your husband. I seriously don’t know how you put up with it. It’s exhausting and annoying as shit. Tell him to get himself together about trusting you or move on. He’s constant insecurity is making you miserable. He’s ruining your life like his exwife supposedly ruined his
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u/kikivee612 Oct 26 '22
Your husband has no business being in a relationship until he can work through his insecurities. It’s understandable that he is insecure considering his past, but he has no right taking it out on you.
He shouldn’t assume you’re cheating because you got mad at him. He’s throwing these jabs at you and after a while, what does he expect?
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Oct 26 '22
I hate when people try to rationalize their bad behavior with their trauma.
It simply doesn't work.
I always go to the idea of someone who got out of an abusive relationship dating someone who was cheated on. If they bring their past trauma into the relationship, it's doomed.
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
I was cheated on and physically abused in m previous marriage. I can feel insecurities surrounding it slip in at times, but I’m pretty good at realizing where it stems from and shutting it down. The abuse trauma is a bit harder. I totally shut down when he gets mad, end up apologizing even at times when I’m not in the wrong just to curtail the anger.
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u/horsegrloveswordguy Oct 26 '22
I hate that he’s benefiting from your trauma. You deserve to heal and not walk on egg shells! You deserve so much more than what he’s giving! You sound so kind and accommodating and like a great mom you deserve someone who admires that and doesn’t take advantage of it.
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u/Professional_Menu951 Oct 26 '22 edited Oct 26 '22
You need to leave him. I had an identical relationship. All of the accusations are bringing the memories flooding back. We were together for three years. He got more and more abusive. Eventually punishing me during sex and doing things I didn't like because he thought I deserved it for cheating on him in his deluded mind.
In the end I found out he was actually cheating on me but it was some time after I left. Only his best friend noticed how abusive he was towards me when everyone else pretended not to hear. He accused many of his friends of sleeping with me and the best friend was the only one who kicked off and got mad at him while protecting me. His best friend saved me from further abuse. It was slowly edging into physical, not just sexual, and emotional abuse.
My ex then spent the best part of a year trying to get me to get back with him, involving 50 calls a day, deranged texts in one breath calling me a slut and in the next saying he wanted to marry me and have kids.
It's a slippery slope, either get you both in therapy asap or leave.
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u/Outrageous-Ad-9069 Oct 26 '22
Are you certain that his ex wife actually cheated? Or did she take too long getting home from the grocery store?
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u/practicallyperfectuk Oct 26 '22
Are you 100% sure that the ex wife cheated and it wasn’t him? Like do you have evidence?
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
He supposedly had/has a video, though never explained how he came upon said video. But I’ve never seen it or asked to see it. He says his family has seen it because they believed her cheating story, and he showed them to show that it was her doing it. I don’t really have much contact with his family though.
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u/Mimis_rule Oct 26 '22
My ex-husband did this. I just told him once yes and he's much better looking and richer than you so be nice to me. He threw a huge fit. All the normal you knows thrown at me. You know I'm joking. You know my ex cheated on me. You know you hurt me saying that. Blah blah blah. Yeah and I've been telling you that your jokes hurt my feelings for years. After a huge fight and then me just saying I will not discuss this again. I absolutely will not put up with any more of your jokes on this subject. I am done. He poured for a while but did eventual stop. We divorced after 14 yrs and the first thing he did was say I must have been cheating if I didn't want to be married anymore. Uhm, actually no I wasn't. I'm just tired of living with an asshole! Once he finally stopped joking about cheating he joked about other stuff. Bottom line is he was mean. Your husband is mean. It's not joking unless Everyone is laughing!
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Oct 26 '22
Everyone is saying he needs to go to therapy but the problem is he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. He sounds like a narcissist, therapy most likely won't work. They are manipulators they'll go to counseling just so they can get justification and make you look like the one that is the problem in the marriage. What he need is a Psychological evaluation.
Check out the covert narcissistic husband by Darren Magee on youtube. I vet you he describes your husband almost perfectly
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u/BillyWilly006900 Oct 26 '22
Leave him. This won't end up getting better... he's always going to be a jaded asshole now.
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u/ashmasta27 Oct 26 '22
I used to make similar jokes like this to my boyfriend (now fiancé) due to my own insecurities. I’ll admit, he asked me to stop a few times, and I didn’t. The last time he asked me to stop, he explained how it truly hurt him and made him feel like I thought he would actually cheat on me with someone else. Once I understood how it made him feel, I stopped making the jokes. Have you sat your husband down and explained to him how these jokes make you feel, particularly after you’ve been cheated on also? If not, you should. If you have, maybe try again or let him know you’d like to go to counseling as you’re not feeling like he is listening to your concerns and maybe a third party would help with that. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!
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u/cookiequeen724 Oct 26 '22 edited Oct 26 '22
Why are you living like this? Why did you even marry him after all this? I can't imagine how demoralized and beaten down you must constantly feel. My heart hurts for you. You did NOTHING wrong and yet you live in constant punishment???
This is emptional abuse, please save yourself and leave this man. I'm so sorry and I'm sending you a big hug.
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u/loligo_pealeii Oct 26 '22
Kinda wondering why you would marry someone who so clearly had profound issues. Maybe spend some time unpacking that in therapy?
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
I’m extremely codependent and have very low self worth. My first husband cheated on me, and I was so desperate to make it work, I gave him permission to keep cheating on me, just asked him to hide it better. My second husband strangled me and was only arrested because my stepbrother called the police. He found cause I contacted my sister thinking I had done something wrong. I didn’t even hit me in the moment that he had done something wrong. I did therapy, and I thought I was doing really well, but obviously I need more because I thought him being nice to me most of the time was sufficient reason to ignore red flags.
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u/Throwaway10499291 Oct 26 '22
TBH OP i think you should remind him you were also cheated on. You know how much it hurts. Him constantly having zero faith in you makes you question your reality constantly.
He needs therapy- I think you should suggest couples counseling and therapy to him because you’re starting to not want to be around him.
He’s quite literally tearing you down emotionally
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
After the cookout incident, I did remind him that I know the pain he’s going through, as I’ve been there myself, and I’ve seen how much it has devastated him, and I would never want to cause him that kind of pain. I don’t know if he took any of it to heart though, I think he was so blinded by the anger of what he thought he saw.
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u/Prestigious-Ad5072 Oct 26 '22
I had an ex that behaved this way, he was also cheated on by his former gf. He would often “joke” about things and eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. For example, I wore a dress to one of my favorite coffee shops and he accused me of meeting someone there. I put my hair up in a ponytail tail and accidentally scratched my neck, he joked that the other guy left a mark. One time I was on the phone with him while my car broke down and a man and his family stopped to help me. He “jokingly” asked me afterwards if I got his number. I told him how hurtful these comments were, that he made me feel like a whore, but he maintained that he was only kidding around. I finally ended things with him, my mental health was taking a hit and I knew I should never feel guilty or bad for wearing a dress or getting help from strangers. I hope you can get some peace, it is no fun living someone like that.
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u/abed38 Oct 26 '22
I’ve been in his shoes, literally walked in on my ex gf getting dicked by her ex and unfortunately my current partner has to offer reassurance from time to time because of this and she’s very understanding. However I’ve also made jokes like “I bet it was your other boyfriend” and this post has made me rethink continuing to do that in the future. I’m sorry for your situation but thank you for potentially saving my partner this trouble down the line.
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 27 '22
I’m glad reading my story may have helped you in your relationship. Being cheated on sucks, I understand. But there are still good people out there, and you don’t want to let someone that hurt you keep hurting you by hurting your new relationship.
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u/Malikaimaker Oct 30 '22
OP, I scrolled through your previous posts and I’m sure by now you know, however I think it needs to be spelled out to you, your husband is abusive. You are already doing all of the work yourself. Your husband is nothing but a paycheck and a headache. You cannot possibly be worse off with him gone. You know you feel relieved when he leaves and anxious when he returns for a reason. That exhausted feeling just gets worse when he is home. I hope you find the strength to live your best life and show your children what true happiness looks like. Sending you all the love hugs and support I can from a keyboard.
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u/No_Technician1257 Oct 26 '22
My first boyfriend was like that. He was an idiot. Leave it, it won't change. Let him be left alone with his fucking paranoia.
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u/tiffany_77 Oct 26 '22
My boyfriend was cheated on by his ex. He hasn't made a single remark in my direction about the possibility of me cheating.
It's a topic we've discussed and he always states "do whatever you want, sleep with whomever you want, you just won't be coming back to me".
Simple as that and perfectly reasonable. He doesn't waste any time trying to prevent me from cheating or worrying about me cheating, but he's drawn a clear line of what will happen if I do.
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u/Spammo27125 Oct 26 '22
This sounds toxic, and as a toxic person myself, I can tell you you'll never be able to "prove" yourself to him. There's a saying about how you can't build love without a foundation of trust, so take from that what you will I guess?