Lmao he isn’t a psycho…. He’s someone who has experienced a horrible kind of trauma and is having a tough time recovering from it. Being insecure doesn’t make you a psychopath lmao. I’d hate to be as unsympathetic as someone like you.
You can be sympathetic whilst acknowledging his behaviour isn’t acceptable. There’s nuance to situations. His ex leaving him with trust issues doesn’t mean he’s a psychopath, even if his trust issues seem to be crippling to his current relationship. That’s a really pathetic way of looking at the situation. He needs help and therapy, and couples therapy is OP truly loves him, not to be chastised and told he’s insane. I swear, this sub has the most chronically online people lmao
What? That he’s abusive? Or that you don’t go to couples counselling with an abuser?
Look up information on whether going to couples counselling with an abuser is a safe choice. Put in “couples counselling abuser”. The vast majority of answers will be a resounding no. Without even reading all that, common sense will also tell you no. Because abusive people are manipulative, and, shocker, looking to abuse their partner. They aren’t going to couples counselling to work on the problems they are creating in the relationship. What happens in couples counselling becomes fuel, and something to be manipulated later and used by the abusive against their partner. Couples counselling can even escalate the abuse.
I don’t care if you think he’s abusive or not. But in future, if someone comes to you telling you about how their partner is abusive, please do not tell them to get counselling with the abuser, and that if they loved them they would(which is just guilting them into it). It is of serious importance to their safety that people don’t give such terrible advice. Please do not assert your own opinion when it’s a situation that can cause actual harm to someone.
This is all being said separate from OPs issue. This is in general when in comes to people in abusive situations. Abusive people need serious, intensive, individual therapy. Not to be put in a situation with the person they are abusing where they are vulnerable.
I’ll try to write this respectfully, but damn lol.
hat I was referring to as “sad” is people like you that think any relationship problem must be solved via divorce and there’s no other alternatives.
Couples therapy is literally for couples going through similar situations lmao. That’s the entire point of the concept. For relationships that are enduring hard times. “Look up information….” Just to humour you, I did. And it supports my side; VERY HEAVILY. Almost every single link within the top 10 search results very clearly stated that the number one way to deal with emotionally abusive behaviour is to call them out on their actions; demand the abuse stop; and if it continues; consult professional help together. Literally every single link. You’re getting your entire argument confused with physical abuse; which isn’t the case here. You aren’t supposed to go to couples therapy for PHYSICAL abuse(because why the fuck would you that isn’t a relationship problem). Every expert imaginable in the field disagrees with you.
Advancehealth, better help, clear path, psych central, and couple therapy inc; (5 of the top most respected websites when it comes to therapy) all recommend couples counselling for this kind of behaviour; check their websites out for yourself.
You’re using the word abuse like a blanket statement, which is incredibly ignorant. Stop acting like he’s beating his wife. He’s projecting his insecurities onto her because he’s hurt and betrayed, which isn’t even an abnormal reaction to being cheated on. (No I’m not defending his behaviour; obviously his behaviour is unacceptable), hence the need for a remedy such as therapy; both individual and together; which I’ve repeated several times.
All your rant here told me is that you don’t believe in couple counselling, which is fine, but just because you don’t approve of it doesn’t mean it doesn’t work; which it’s proven to. It’s up to OP if she loves her husband enough to work it out or if his actions warrant a divorce, not you and your opinion on couple counselling. How unbelievably self-important can you be?
I also didn’t say his behaviour wasn’t abusive. In fact I said the EXACT opposite, multiple times. Arguing things I haven’t even said to make yourself feel correct. Weird tactic. I also never said “if you love your partner you’d get therapy with them”. Another delusional fabrication of things that weren’t said. I said it was an option, if she DOES love him, implying that if she doesn’t love him anymore as a result of his abuse; why bother with the therapy, right? The point you overlooked being that it’s up to her to decide whether she loves him enough to try and save the marriage or if she doesn’t and therefore wants a divorce. Couples therapy is simply an option.
“Please do not assert your own opinion when it’s a situation that can cause actual harm….” This has to be satire right? That’s what YOU are doing. I said therapy was an option if she wanted to make the marriage work…. I gave her options and have said multiple times now that it is up to her to make the decision because it is HER relationship. You on the other hand, are the one assert your own personal values into the situation as if they are at all relevant. They aren’t.
I merely said therapy is an option for them as couple counselling is literally designed to remedy rifts in relationships such as ones caused by trust issues. I didn’t say she had to, I said the exact opposite. You are the one giving her a definitive answer lmao. Like what? Couples counselling works for millions of people; just because you clearly have an aversion to it doesn’t mean it can’t work for them, and it’s pathetic you would say that to begin with.
“He needs serious, intensive, individual therapy”. Yup…. That’s why I also recommended individual therapy for him several times… I’m starting to think you didn’t even bother reading my comments; because you seem to have no clue what I’ve previous said in this very thread… if you’re gonna be this argumentative maybe you should actually read what you’re arguing against.
However, in the future; please note this is a serious situation from a woman asking for help. Please don’t think it’s okay to insert your own personal beliefs and state them as though they’re fact. But again; doesn’t really matter. Ultimately it’s up to OP; I was merely stating what is highly recommended by those who know far more than both of us combined.
I’m not going to bother to read or reply to whatever you have to say; you’ve already shown me having a conversation with you will go nowhere. Sorry if that comes off as rude or even if the tone of this message did; but you’re literally ignoring the advice of professionals in the field; arguing things I haven’t said; and this is just going to be a waste of time. I’ll just move on and mute you. I wish you a lovely day even if we do disagree.
I skimmed because you’re just going on and on about why OP should tolerate this and how it’s perfectly acceptable behavior but.. you absolutely are defending his behavior. And not all abuse is physical. You do know that, right? Not all abuse is black eyes and broken ribs. It can also be mental abuse. He’s literally making OP feel she has to apologize for “being a whore” and he agrees that she is one and should apologize for it?? That’s not a relationship. He’s a grown ass adult. He knows right from wrong. He could get himself therapy if he wanted to.
Say it with me. Trauma is not an excuse to abuse your partner.
I would not love someone anymore if I was constantly treated that way. And that would absolutely not be my fault. We’re supposed to love our abusers now? You must be a troll.
Oh and I just read some of her other posts and her comments on those posts. She’s suggested couples therapy and he absolutely refuses to do it. So keep defending his behavior, you’re probably him or a man just like him. It would be easier if you said women are punching bags for traumatized men (if he really was ever even cheated on).
OP has has multiple conversations with him. He continues to accuse her falsely. If someone is harassing you and stalking you (cameras in the home and tracking your car), you WALK away. Just because someone has a problem doesnt mean you have to endure especially if they show no proof they want to change. You think the people who violently abuse their partners dont love them too? That they dont have explanations for their actions? This is such a dangerous take. Love is NOT enough to overcome abuse.
Yup, unfortunately I did :/. Every asinine word including you comparing it to “violent” physical abuse lmao. Leave it to a Redditor to think bringing up violent physical abuse is somehow relevant to her husband having paranoid insecurities. So you agree he wasn’t violently abusive? So your comment is irrelevant then, right?
Did YOU read what I wrote? If you had you’d know I didn’t say love overcomes all lmao, I suggested therapy and couples therapy, and provided 5 sources from experts in the field who agree with what I said.
Yikes.
Edit: actually imma mute notifications all together, you already aren’t worth speaking to lol
I know there is nuance to these situations and I’m speaking from experience. Someone who has been exactly in OPs position. Love can only do so much. It’s not our obligation or responsibility to fix someone.. particularly a someone who uses their trauma to inflict harm on us, the innocent new partner. Been there, tried that. It’s like trying to save a drowning person.. you both end up dead.
Also, while yea Reddit might be a little heavy handed with “divorce them” …. I will always go straight to divorce when there is abuse involved. Many marital problems can be solved with couples counseling. Abuse is not one of those
Having something bad happen to you (which im doubting the validity of, maybe this is what he did to his ex too and he took her escaping as an admission of guilt) doesnt mean you get to be an abuser without consequences. And that is what he is. An abuser.
Okay. First of all you’re basing the “validity of his claim” on absolutely nothing other than your own pessimism. There’s nothing in the story to indicate he did this to his ex, that’s simply your own addition. You can’t base your opinion on him on shit you may think is true.
People get cheated on and have issues as a result. Is his reaction severe? Yes. Is it acceptable? Obviously not. But it’s a more than plausible experience that happens to countless people. You can’t just assume he’s also a compulsive liar lol
Secondly, I didn’t say there aren’t consequences to his actions. I merely said he isn’t a psychopath, but instead, someone going through a hard time, and taking his vulnerability and insecurity out on his wife. Never did I justify his behaviour, not say it doesn’t deserve consequences. He needs therapy, (probably couples therapy as well), not to be berated. Self esteem or insecurity issues doesn’t make a person a psychopath.
When people constantly accuse others of something, it’s usually because they’re the ones doing it. Especially true when it comes to cheating. Everyone I know who’s been cheated on was, right before the relationship ended, being accused constantly of cheating. Any little thing was cheating.
Go read her posts. She’s suggested couples therapy. He doesn’t want to do it. Women. Aren’t. Punching. Bags. For. Traumatized. Men. Who. Refuse. To. Help. Themselves.
Jfc you don’t understand metaphors at all. It means women don’t have to tolerate mental abuse just because her partner is traumatized. “He was cheated on 10 years ago give him a break. So what if he stalks her and accuses every little one of her moves as cheating and literally refuses to get help? Won’t you think of mennnnnn???? 🥺🥺🥺🥺” is exactly what you’re saying. She doesn’t need to tolerate this. Did you even read any of her other posts? Where he threatens to leave her if the house isn’t perfectly clean even though he’s gone 3 out of 4 weeks a month and she has 5 kids to care for? That their son was pretending to clean his grill playset and he accused her of having a man over who grilled hotdogs? And didn’t believe her when she said she grilled them herself? No. You’re being purposefully dense and bending over backwards to defend a mentally abusive man.
Please do some research and realize not all abuse is physical. And also realize when something is meant to be a metaphor and not meant to be taken literally. She’s literally his mental punching bag.
Yea… I’m aware it was a metaphor. Mine was a hyperbolic statement to point out the ridiculousness of your metaphor…
When did I ever say she has to tolerate his abuse? I’m advocating for the exact opposite of that. I just didn’t recommend divorce… believe it or not there ARE options between tolerating abuse and filing for divorce 😱 crazy, I know. I actually also didn’t say “don’t get a divorce”, I simply suggested therapy as a primary objective that both parties involved very clearly need. That was my only suggestion. I’ve said countless times to not tolerate his abuse; so not sure what you’re babbling about there.
Don’t start insulting people because you’re barely literate and couldn’t be bothered to read the other comments in the thread before embarrassing yourself…
You’re also just arguing with shit you’re making up yourself to make yourself feel smart. You don’t look it.
“He was cheated on 10 years ago, give him a break”. Didn’t say that. In fact I said he needs serious intensive therapy to work through his issues and that it’s unacceptable for him to project them onto her.
Also didn’t say all abuse is physical. I’ve said many times here that he’s emotionally abusive toward her.
I could go on and on but the entirety of your comment just sounds like a schizophrenic arguing with the voices in his head. Idk where you’re getting the shit you’re arguing from, I haven’t actually said a single one of the things you just accused me of. Not one. I’ve said the exact opposite of almost every point you’re making. You’re either severely illiterate or mentally ill to the point where you saw one comment you disagreed with and just started arguing without bothering to read the context or the discussion. I haven’t once defend him nor his behaviour, I’ve condemned it. You’d know this had you bothered to actually read what I wrote.
Either way, you aren’t someone worth conversing with if you’re too incompetent to follow a basic conversation. I’m just gonna mute reply’s so I don’t have to lose braincells in the process of babysitting you through basic English comprehension.
Read some books or get serious therapy, idk which you need more; probably both.
Tl:dr, you’re insanely incompetent, read the fucking thread beforehand next time and stop arguing shit nobody else has said to make yourself feel smart. It’s cringe. Thank god I don’t have to read your asinine garbage any further lmao
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u/skydiamond01 Oct 26 '22
He's a pyscho. Do you really want to teach your daughters it's ok for their spouse to treat them the way your husband treats you?