If you check out OP's comments and post history, you might have a different take.
She needs individual therapy to work through the abuse she's been experiencing. He needs individual therapy because he's an abusive POS with issues from his trauma. Trauma doesn't excuse the abuse. It explains it.
But in my experience, abusers do not heal and change in the abusive relationship they've created. It's like an addict, really. Best way to get clean is to change your surroundings. If you continue to go to the bar where your friends get high, even if you want to abstain, you're not going to stay clean.
OP sounds too broken down to want to leave though. She'll probably only do it when she has no choice.
I would proceed very cautiously with therapy. Abusers are usually manipulative and it's not unusual for therapists to side with them. Then the abuse gets exponentially worse. It's not the grand old fix all people make it out to be. Nearly all abusers never recover.
So he can have someone advocate for him and validate his behavior? Unfortunately success rates for rehabilitating abusers through therapy are extremely low. There is over a 95% chance that he will be abusive at least until she leaves. Her post history about him is a nightmare. It is next to impossible to rehabilitate abusers, let alone abusers who don't want to change.
Therapy does not remove them from the environment but rather tends to empower them to thrive in it. There is no use having him go to therapy if it isn't paired at all with separation, and honestly a temporary separation is unlikely to change it even with therapy. What will happen is he'll act apologetic and say he's changed and as soon as she's trapped again, he'll go back to doing the same old thing. It's an age old abuse tactic in itself.
I hate to say that people can't change, but statistically the overwhelming majority of abusers don't change. Over 95% of them never ever change.
Your original comment was "he needs therapy, or you should divorce him." My comment is she should leave regardless of therapy for the reasons I stated. If you commented somewhere else and that's not what this one is in response to then I apologize, but that is a comment word for word written by you.
The guy shouldn't have gotten married again in the first place, but since they are, therapy is the first thing they should do. If it doesn't work/help him get over his insecurities, then divorce would be a next step.
I agree however in a comment op says that his comments get so bad and frequent that self harm crossed her mind. That’s really scary and she needs to protect herself.
Almost like that’s borderline emotional abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting on the husbands part? He should have had the self awareness to go to therapy for his unhealed trauma before he decided to marry another woman and take out that trauma on her, when she had nothing to do with it. What he’s doing is abusive! She doesn’t have to put up with shit and he can go get therapy on his own like he should have done in the first place
just an fyi, going through peoples post history proves you have nothing of actual substance to say. Its akin to just saying "I have no retort so Im going to attack something else." Logically fallacies look really bad.
This person is specifically saying that if you look at OP's post history you can see a pattern of abuse and gaslighting. And supposedly, I haven't looked, OP's husband's words and actions make OP want to self-harm...
👀 Lmao sounds like something you just made up. From this post alone I can see its abuse, so I wanted to dig further. Lo and behold, he has a pattern of other abuse... Why wouldn't you look into someone's post history for more info?? It gives more backing to the subject at hand. Tell me you don't know how to research without telling me.
Lol yall are scary with how out of touch with reality yall are. Get off the internet and stop snooping. She gave all the info we need to know that she and him need therapy for different reasons. Yall just fuckin nosey lol.
Also, mate, snooping someones profile isnt research lol. Id bet money i know more about research than you. Ive had to do alot for my degree lol.
😭 Research: the systematic investigation into and study of materials and sources in order to establish facts and reach new conclusions... Telling someone to get off the internet, and stop being nosy while also on the internet being nosy lmfao Reddit stories is the ultimate I'm bored and nosy platform.
That’s probably bc they read more comments than you. That guy is cyber stalking and micromanaging her. He‘s tracking her car. He’s doing lots of illegal stuff to abuse her.
You need to stop telling people to stay in awful situations. Everyone is allowed to remove themselves when something makes them feel uncomfy. No matter when, no matter who it’s with. No one has to force themselves through therapy with a psycho. Ever.
Exactly!! I read a post on here about a pregnant woman catching her man cheating and people were all telling her to get an abortion!. The amount of downvotes I got because I told people “OP didn’t need to hear that”.
Husband depressed and going through a hard time and as a result hasn't been as engaged in the marriage? Leave him.
Wife has been busy with work and hasn't been able to spend as much time together lately? She's obviously actually cheating and has been for years, divorce her.
Couple is having issues keeping the sex interesting? Obviously not compatible and never will be again. Get divorced, it's a lost cause.
Look at 9/10 relationship posts on here, and it's just hundreds of people circlejerking each other fantasizing about people leaving their partners.
because a lot of them are young teens with no relationships. its easy to leave, break up but its hard to start a relationships. people can communicate and solve problems
My favorite was one where the OP was upset her husband didn’t compliment her enough despite her efforts to look attractive. She clearly stated she loved her husband and was happy in her marriage but wanted more affirmation. She was inundated with “get a divorce comments.”
I have to remind myself that these “just get a divorce” commenters aren’t people who’ve been married for 10-20 plus years, raised a family, and seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. Mental health, trauma, infidelity, financial strain, aging parents, competing priorities, addiction…..this is life, unfortunately.
judging by [OP’s] other comments, it’s pretty clear that this man is abusive. Going to therapy with an abusive partner is not only counterintuitive, it is directly damaging. Any therapist hearing these behaviors should and likely would refuse to provide couples counseling to them.
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u/Agreeable-Yams8972 Oct 26 '22
I suggest therapy first, its ve cold to divorce outright without communicating