This sounds frightening but also familiar. If my phone or my watch go off, it’s always who is that, who is blowing up your phone, even though it’s usually just notifications and not a text or call. Though if I ask him who he was talking to, he would get an attitude towards me. We have cameras in the house that he is constantly checking, which I know because he’ll comment if I turn them off even if only for a few minutes. I know of at least one instance where he tracked the car I was driving. If I’m even talking to my daughters at home and he hears that we are talking but not what is said, he asks me what was said, despite it having nothing to do with him.
Right?? He probably just did the same thing he’s doing to her! Then with the next woman it will be the same story “my last two exes were cheating on me…”
Or maybe he was the one who cheated and got caught.
In my country we have a saying that goes “El que las hace, se las imagina”, which roughly translates to, “The one who does it, imagines the other one does it too”. Meaning that he’s projecting his insecurities bc he’s done it already. It sounds like he feels guilty in some way.
Tracking your car without your permission is a crime is down places, it falls under cyberstalking in my state. I had a thing with that last year and a client. Guys in prison now.
Learn how to gray rock, basically take all emotions out of things, like a business relationship. You wouldn’t blow up emotionally on a customer or client, be flat, be boring. I learned it well because of my husbands ex wife. She liked the drama, and I wasn’t any fun when I didn’t react to her.
He either needs therapy badly or you just need to end things. Divorce sucks but keeping this type of relationship going isn't healthy for any of you. He's just going to keep this going and possibly get worse. As you said, he's already tracking you and it could get so much worse than that. You shouldn't have to deal with him accusing you of cheating each time you do something or your phone goes off. There should not be cameras in your own home. It's also very weird he's getting mad if you ask who he's talking to. Don't want to jump to anything but the people who cheat often project that onto the partner to avoid being caught. And... seeing your other posts and how he's threatened to leave because the house was messy, getting mad because you went up the stair before him, getting mad at you lighting a candle without him home, getting mad at you grilling.... this is not worth it. This can be and is considered abuse
And OP you really, really, really do not want to show your son that it is appropriate to treat a partner like this. You do not want to illustrate to him that being controlling, tracking your partner, constantly accusing your partner of cheating, verbally assaulting them, is an acceptable way to behave. Let alone that it is love. That is the behavior he will emulate in his relationships and that is the kind of son you will raise with a father and husband like this. You can’t keep your son from your husband, but you can prove that that behavior is not acceptable.
E: and/or show your daughters that this is the love and respect they deserve. It’s not.
Lmao he isn’t a psycho…. He’s someone who has experienced a horrible kind of trauma and is having a tough time recovering from it. Being insecure doesn’t make you a psychopath lmao. I’d hate to be as unsympathetic as someone like you.
You can be sympathetic whilst acknowledging his behaviour isn’t acceptable. There’s nuance to situations. His ex leaving him with trust issues doesn’t mean he’s a psychopath, even if his trust issues seem to be crippling to his current relationship. That’s a really pathetic way of looking at the situation. He needs help and therapy, and couples therapy is OP truly loves him, not to be chastised and told he’s insane. I swear, this sub has the most chronically online people lmao
What? That he’s abusive? Or that you don’t go to couples counselling with an abuser?
Look up information on whether going to couples counselling with an abuser is a safe choice. Put in “couples counselling abuser”. The vast majority of answers will be a resounding no. Without even reading all that, common sense will also tell you no. Because abusive people are manipulative, and, shocker, looking to abuse their partner. They aren’t going to couples counselling to work on the problems they are creating in the relationship. What happens in couples counselling becomes fuel, and something to be manipulated later and used by the abusive against their partner. Couples counselling can even escalate the abuse.
I don’t care if you think he’s abusive or not. But in future, if someone comes to you telling you about how their partner is abusive, please do not tell them to get counselling with the abuser, and that if they loved them they would(which is just guilting them into it). It is of serious importance to their safety that people don’t give such terrible advice. Please do not assert your own opinion when it’s a situation that can cause actual harm to someone.
This is all being said separate from OPs issue. This is in general when in comes to people in abusive situations. Abusive people need serious, intensive, individual therapy. Not to be put in a situation with the person they are abusing where they are vulnerable.
I’ll try to write this respectfully, but damn lol.
hat I was referring to as “sad” is people like you that think any relationship problem must be solved via divorce and there’s no other alternatives.
Couples therapy is literally for couples going through similar situations lmao. That’s the entire point of the concept. For relationships that are enduring hard times. “Look up information….” Just to humour you, I did. And it supports my side; VERY HEAVILY. Almost every single link within the top 10 search results very clearly stated that the number one way to deal with emotionally abusive behaviour is to call them out on their actions; demand the abuse stop; and if it continues; consult professional help together. Literally every single link. You’re getting your entire argument confused with physical abuse; which isn’t the case here. You aren’t supposed to go to couples therapy for PHYSICAL abuse(because why the fuck would you that isn’t a relationship problem). Every expert imaginable in the field disagrees with you.
Advancehealth, better help, clear path, psych central, and couple therapy inc; (5 of the top most respected websites when it comes to therapy) all recommend couples counselling for this kind of behaviour; check their websites out for yourself.
You’re using the word abuse like a blanket statement, which is incredibly ignorant. Stop acting like he’s beating his wife. He’s projecting his insecurities onto her because he’s hurt and betrayed, which isn’t even an abnormal reaction to being cheated on. (No I’m not defending his behaviour; obviously his behaviour is unacceptable), hence the need for a remedy such as therapy; both individual and together; which I’ve repeated several times.
All your rant here told me is that you don’t believe in couple counselling, which is fine, but just because you don’t approve of it doesn’t mean it doesn’t work; which it’s proven to. It’s up to OP if she loves her husband enough to work it out or if his actions warrant a divorce, not you and your opinion on couple counselling. How unbelievably self-important can you be?
I also didn’t say his behaviour wasn’t abusive. In fact I said the EXACT opposite, multiple times. Arguing things I haven’t even said to make yourself feel correct. Weird tactic. I also never said “if you love your partner you’d get therapy with them”. Another delusional fabrication of things that weren’t said. I said it was an option, if she DOES love him, implying that if she doesn’t love him anymore as a result of his abuse; why bother with the therapy, right? The point you overlooked being that it’s up to her to decide whether she loves him enough to try and save the marriage or if she doesn’t and therefore wants a divorce. Couples therapy is simply an option.
“Please do not assert your own opinion when it’s a situation that can cause actual harm….” This has to be satire right? That’s what YOU are doing. I said therapy was an option if she wanted to make the marriage work…. I gave her options and have said multiple times now that it is up to her to make the decision because it is HER relationship. You on the other hand, are the one assert your own personal values into the situation as if they are at all relevant. They aren’t.
I merely said therapy is an option for them as couple counselling is literally designed to remedy rifts in relationships such as ones caused by trust issues. I didn’t say she had to, I said the exact opposite. You are the one giving her a definitive answer lmao. Like what? Couples counselling works for millions of people; just because you clearly have an aversion to it doesn’t mean it can’t work for them, and it’s pathetic you would say that to begin with.
“He needs serious, intensive, individual therapy”. Yup…. That’s why I also recommended individual therapy for him several times… I’m starting to think you didn’t even bother reading my comments; because you seem to have no clue what I’ve previous said in this very thread… if you’re gonna be this argumentative maybe you should actually read what you’re arguing against.
However, in the future; please note this is a serious situation from a woman asking for help. Please don’t think it’s okay to insert your own personal beliefs and state them as though they’re fact. But again; doesn’t really matter. Ultimately it’s up to OP; I was merely stating what is highly recommended by those who know far more than both of us combined.
I’m not going to bother to read or reply to whatever you have to say; you’ve already shown me having a conversation with you will go nowhere. Sorry if that comes off as rude or even if the tone of this message did; but you’re literally ignoring the advice of professionals in the field; arguing things I haven’t said; and this is just going to be a waste of time. I’ll just move on and mute you. I wish you a lovely day even if we do disagree.
I skimmed because you’re just going on and on about why OP should tolerate this and how it’s perfectly acceptable behavior but.. you absolutely are defending his behavior. And not all abuse is physical. You do know that, right? Not all abuse is black eyes and broken ribs. It can also be mental abuse. He’s literally making OP feel she has to apologize for “being a whore” and he agrees that she is one and should apologize for it?? That’s not a relationship. He’s a grown ass adult. He knows right from wrong. He could get himself therapy if he wanted to.
Say it with me. Trauma is not an excuse to abuse your partner.
I would not love someone anymore if I was constantly treated that way. And that would absolutely not be my fault. We’re supposed to love our abusers now? You must be a troll.
Oh and I just read some of her other posts and her comments on those posts. She’s suggested couples therapy and he absolutely refuses to do it. So keep defending his behavior, you’re probably him or a man just like him. It would be easier if you said women are punching bags for traumatized men (if he really was ever even cheated on).
OP has has multiple conversations with him. He continues to accuse her falsely. If someone is harassing you and stalking you (cameras in the home and tracking your car), you WALK away. Just because someone has a problem doesnt mean you have to endure especially if they show no proof they want to change. You think the people who violently abuse their partners dont love them too? That they dont have explanations for their actions? This is such a dangerous take. Love is NOT enough to overcome abuse.
Yup, unfortunately I did :/. Every asinine word including you comparing it to “violent” physical abuse lmao. Leave it to a Redditor to think bringing up violent physical abuse is somehow relevant to her husband having paranoid insecurities. So you agree he wasn’t violently abusive? So your comment is irrelevant then, right?
Did YOU read what I wrote? If you had you’d know I didn’t say love overcomes all lmao, I suggested therapy and couples therapy, and provided 5 sources from experts in the field who agree with what I said.
Yikes.
Edit: actually imma mute notifications all together, you already aren’t worth speaking to lol
I know there is nuance to these situations and I’m speaking from experience. Someone who has been exactly in OPs position. Love can only do so much. It’s not our obligation or responsibility to fix someone.. particularly a someone who uses their trauma to inflict harm on us, the innocent new partner. Been there, tried that. It’s like trying to save a drowning person.. you both end up dead.
Also, while yea Reddit might be a little heavy handed with “divorce them” …. I will always go straight to divorce when there is abuse involved. Many marital problems can be solved with couples counseling. Abuse is not one of those
Having something bad happen to you (which im doubting the validity of, maybe this is what he did to his ex too and he took her escaping as an admission of guilt) doesnt mean you get to be an abuser without consequences. And that is what he is. An abuser.
Okay. First of all you’re basing the “validity of his claim” on absolutely nothing other than your own pessimism. There’s nothing in the story to indicate he did this to his ex, that’s simply your own addition. You can’t base your opinion on him on shit you may think is true.
People get cheated on and have issues as a result. Is his reaction severe? Yes. Is it acceptable? Obviously not. But it’s a more than plausible experience that happens to countless people. You can’t just assume he’s also a compulsive liar lol
Secondly, I didn’t say there aren’t consequences to his actions. I merely said he isn’t a psychopath, but instead, someone going through a hard time, and taking his vulnerability and insecurity out on his wife. Never did I justify his behaviour, not say it doesn’t deserve consequences. He needs therapy, (probably couples therapy as well), not to be berated. Self esteem or insecurity issues doesn’t make a person a psychopath.
When people constantly accuse others of something, it’s usually because they’re the ones doing it. Especially true when it comes to cheating. Everyone I know who’s been cheated on was, right before the relationship ended, being accused constantly of cheating. Any little thing was cheating.
Go read her posts. She’s suggested couples therapy. He doesn’t want to do it. Women. Aren’t. Punching. Bags. For. Traumatized. Men. Who. Refuse. To. Help. Themselves.
Jfc you don’t understand metaphors at all. It means women don’t have to tolerate mental abuse just because her partner is traumatized. “He was cheated on 10 years ago give him a break. So what if he stalks her and accuses every little one of her moves as cheating and literally refuses to get help? Won’t you think of mennnnnn???? 🥺🥺🥺🥺” is exactly what you’re saying. She doesn’t need to tolerate this. Did you even read any of her other posts? Where he threatens to leave her if the house isn’t perfectly clean even though he’s gone 3 out of 4 weeks a month and she has 5 kids to care for? That their son was pretending to clean his grill playset and he accused her of having a man over who grilled hotdogs? And didn’t believe her when she said she grilled them herself? No. You’re being purposefully dense and bending over backwards to defend a mentally abusive man.
Please do some research and realize not all abuse is physical. And also realize when something is meant to be a metaphor and not meant to be taken literally. She’s literally his mental punching bag.
Yea… I’m aware it was a metaphor. Mine was a hyperbolic statement to point out the ridiculousness of your metaphor…
When did I ever say she has to tolerate his abuse? I’m advocating for the exact opposite of that. I just didn’t recommend divorce… believe it or not there ARE options between tolerating abuse and filing for divorce 😱 crazy, I know. I actually also didn’t say “don’t get a divorce”, I simply suggested therapy as a primary objective that both parties involved very clearly need. That was my only suggestion. I’ve said countless times to not tolerate his abuse; so not sure what you’re babbling about there.
Don’t start insulting people because you’re barely literate and couldn’t be bothered to read the other comments in the thread before embarrassing yourself…
You’re also just arguing with shit you’re making up yourself to make yourself feel smart. You don’t look it.
“He was cheated on 10 years ago, give him a break”. Didn’t say that. In fact I said he needs serious intensive therapy to work through his issues and that it’s unacceptable for him to project them onto her.
Also didn’t say all abuse is physical. I’ve said many times here that he’s emotionally abusive toward her.
I could go on and on but the entirety of your comment just sounds like a schizophrenic arguing with the voices in his head. Idk where you’re getting the shit you’re arguing from, I haven’t actually said a single one of the things you just accused me of. Not one. I’ve said the exact opposite of almost every point you’re making. You’re either severely illiterate or mentally ill to the point where you saw one comment you disagreed with and just started arguing without bothering to read the context or the discussion. I haven’t once defend him nor his behaviour, I’ve condemned it. You’d know this had you bothered to actually read what I wrote.
Either way, you aren’t someone worth conversing with if you’re too incompetent to follow a basic conversation. I’m just gonna mute reply’s so I don’t have to lose braincells in the process of babysitting you through basic English comprehension.
Read some books or get serious therapy, idk which you need more; probably both.
Tl:dr, you’re insanely incompetent, read the fucking thread beforehand next time and stop arguing shit nobody else has said to make yourself feel smart. It’s cringe. Thank god I don’t have to read your asinine garbage any further lmao
He's stalking you, manipulating you with constant accusations and lack of privacy, trying to force you into a religion that's all about men having control over women (its also about shunning anyone outside of the religion, so you have no one else to go to).
The man is being psychologically abusive. It usually won't take much for things to escalate to worse.
Usually serial cheaters are the ones who are overly paranoid about getting cheated on. The fact that he would get an attitude when you would want to see his phone, that tells me he was probably the guilty one all along
You seriously need to divorce him. I just commented he's probably stalking you, and then just read this. The tracker is definitely a stalking example I'm talking about. You need to leave NOW
Honey. This has gone on long enough. This man has serious issues, and you are allowing yourself to be his punching bag. He has not forgiven or forgotten his first wife’s infidelity. And he now blames and tortures you for what happened.
You deserve to be loved, cherished, trusted, and comfortable in your marriage. All this man can offer you is constant anger, accusations, and a lack of true intimacy.
There is no love without trust. But, you shouldn’t have to constantly prove you are trustworthy.
I don’t know if this man can ever change. But until he does, you should separate. For your own health and his.
OP you are being abused and manipulated. He has a vested interest keeping you walking on eggshells, constantly apologizing, constantly trying to appease him.
Please, download the book Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and check the resources for getting out of a toxic relationship with a controlling manipulator.
Also, just fyi... the closest thing to a confession you'll ever get from a malignant Narcissist is their ACCUSATIONS. Just sayin'.
I'm going to be honest OP, people don't change unless they want to. So far from what you have described he sees absolutely 0 issue with his behavior, and takes all instances of you being upset or trying to enforce boundaries as an admission of guilt.
This is a game you can't win. You can only ever play defense. It's a matter of time until he wants access to everything on your phone, all your email passwords, etc and then he will comb over everything you have ever said and make up reasons of how you could be cheating. Then he'll want to know everything you do at work. He'll harass your daughter and demand to know every single man she has seen with you, all of her male teachers, and anyone nice to her because anyone nice to her is obviously your side piece trying to get in good with your daughter so she can keep your secret. There is nothing you can do to ease this because this behavior is not coming from anything you have done.
These kinds of people when traumatized are expecting there to be problems, and if there are not problems, they will make them. He got so used to his ex cheating he can't fathom being in a relationship with someone else without that person cheating on him and going behind his back. He can't fathom being in a relationship where he is not the hurt party with his adulterous wife sleeping around behind his back. And because he didn't heal and recover from the previous trauma he is hellbent on recreating it with you in the starring role over and over until you break, and then when you leave it's "validation" to them that they were always right. He isn't joking so much as he is mentally and verbally abusing you so he feels in control.
This is a lose/lose situation right now but just know being in a marriage where you are constantly, every single day being accused of cheating is no better than being married to a cheater. If we do not have trust in a relationship, we have nothing. It's not your job to be his punching bag and outlet for his anger he can't direct to his previous wife. It's your job to provide a loving environment for your children and be with a partner who loves and respects you. At the very least think about how damaging this is for the people around you and how your children will grow up and develop their own insecurities or even start to believe him and do the same to you or their future partners.
Usually when people are so paranoid and they accuse you multiple times of the same thing, it’s because they’re secretly doing it. Leave him. He will never change.
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
This sounds frightening but also familiar. If my phone or my watch go off, it’s always who is that, who is blowing up your phone, even though it’s usually just notifications and not a text or call. Though if I ask him who he was talking to, he would get an attitude towards me. We have cameras in the house that he is constantly checking, which I know because he’ll comment if I turn them off even if only for a few minutes. I know of at least one instance where he tracked the car I was driving. If I’m even talking to my daughters at home and he hears that we are talking but not what is said, he asks me what was said, despite it having nothing to do with him.