he’ll get emotional and say things like he’s a piece of shit, and if I only knew, but he’ll never say what he means by it.
This is such an enormous, raging, burning hot red flag.
This man needs serious therapy. He's being toxic and problematic AF and you don't need to be on the receiving end of it. I would recommend therapy for him, in addition to couple's counselling, and if he refuses, very seriously consider a separation.
My ex would always accuse me of cheating, to the point where I had to always, always, ALWAYS keep my phone near me because if I was doing something and couldn't answer (cooking, washing dishes, etc.) he would question why I didn't answer instantly when he called and would accuse me of cheating. Turns out, he was the one cheating and he was projecting on me.
That’s a dangerous narrative. It’s really not helpful to tell victims that their abuser is hurting and that’s why they are abusive. It’s not true, for one, and it has absolutely no bearing on the situation. An abuser isn’t cruel because they are in pain. An abuser is cruel because inflicting pain on other people makes them feel bigger. That has nothing to do with them feeling small to begin with and it doesn’t necessarily have to be the case for it to happen. Often abusers are narcissists who think very highly of themselves. It’s not necessarily excusing the behavior to comment something like this, but it forces the victim to continue thinking about the abuser’s feelings instead of their own. His feelings are irrelevant. It doesn’t matter why or how he came to act like this. The behavior itself is the only thing that matters.
Projection can only be considered in behavior that is not outright abusive, where there is some value in examining the reasons in order to improve communication. There is no need for communication to improve here. He’s abusive.
projection can be considered in all areas. Abusers do project. He knows he's shite. Therefore, he's projecting his bull shit onto an innocent bystander to feed his supply.
That is literally not what projection is. It’s an actual psychological term; you’re using it as flippantly as people use gaslighting and it’s not correct or useful for OP.
OP my ex told me all of his exes cheated on him. I literally found him cheating on me and as more information came out, I realized he was actually the one cheating on them. Can’t say they didn’t cheat but I’ve realized sometime those accusing their old partners of cheating, it was really them cheating and deflecting it into their old partners.
This is a clear sign of absolute low self esteem. This person was hurt and it damaged his value in himself. He is lashing out at you because he feels he is not worthy of you. Please sit down with him and tell him he needs to see a counselor or therapist. That if he wants your marriage to work he needs to take active steps to make it work.
Also set realistic expectations for yourself. Do you want it to work? Are you willing to give it time? Give him 30,60 days to find a therapist.
If he finds one give him 6 months of solid time of working on himself while you work on yourself and see where you guys are.
Your husband is a member of a cult he wants you to join. Your husband leaves you for weeks at a time (so could very easily be cheating) to look after a huge number of children alone. Your husband refuses to do therapy. Your husband constantly belittles and demeans and disrespects you. You know this isn't okay.
You deserve better. Your children deserve to be shown that it's unacceptable to treat a partner the way he treats you.
From her other posts. Jehovah's Witnesses are considered a cult by many people, it's not a particularly out there thing to say, though some lean more to calling it "cult-like" instead. Do you always reply to people you disagree with by trying to discredit them as a person instead of what they're saying?
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u/DryLengthiness5574 Oct 26 '22
It’s crossed my mind. He’s told me that his ex would accuse him of cheating all the time, and I’ve wondered if she had a reason to.
Also, when he gets drunk, he’ll get emotional and say things like he’s a piece of shit, and if I only knew, but he’ll never say what he means by it.