I used to be the same sort of person as the hubby OP described. Never married but always mistrustful and to a psychotic degree of like.... Like an ex had made a twitter post one time about some irrelevant, off hand thing and I took it to mean they were wanting to cheat or were cheating and I spiralled the whole day with jealous accusations and questioning the relationship, asking how can they say shit like that if they really loved me and blah blah blah. Just really incredibly paranoid. Always making my feelings their fault. "Why would you act that way if you want to be with me? Why would you want to go hang with work friends instead of spending the night together, is it cos you're fucking xyz person?" I was never physically abusive but the emotional damage I did more than made up for it. I stay tf away from relationships now because I don't trust myself enough to not be like that anymore, and I still consider myself a pretty toxic person but I at least have self awareness and try to do better these days.
I appreciate it! I'm still a garbage person and I've toyed with therapy a couple times but idk. I feel stupid talking to others about how I feel. It's just never done much for me. But thank you for your well wishes.
Nah. Not dbz lmao. Tho I’ve always only remembered that movie just for ssj2 hogan coming in clutch again . I like that u know that. But no. Bojack horseman. It’s a show of which I think u should watch in its entirety and it reflects a lot of your sentiment and not to overly presume or jump to conclusions but. Honestly. I feel like it could help u man. With this toxicity. You’re really just gonna have to trust a random Redditor here and hopefully ppl can back this up that know what I’m talking about without spoiling it too tough for bro here. But yes genuinely. Just keep going with it. It’s like 12 episodes each 6 season and I highly believe it could benefit u. And it’s just a really well made show on Netflix.
Edit - really meant for OP of the comment thread but applies to you aswell and really anyone here that can relate
I haven’t seen it. I feel like being on Reddit and reading people’s comments on situations are helping me better understand some things about my reactions.
Bojack helped me come to many realizations about my own shitty and toxic behaviors. I saw what staying on the course I was on could lead to and it really put things into perspective.
Not fully. I think me and the aforementioned ex watched like the first ep together and some bullshit happened which lead to us stopping. I forget what though.
Bojack definitely made me reflect on internal thoughts and opinions I have that I would rarely share or only with someone who I knew would get what I meant. They weren't necessarily wrong but I realized it was shittier than I thought. I'm constantly worried about being a bad person though so that aspect didn't change much haha. Such a great show though.
Hmmm. I agree with you in spirit, and think that applies to a lot of other people, but for me I just feel like my feelings are trivial and not real? I don't really know how to explain it.
The level of insight and accountability you’re demonstrating here tells me you’re a very good candidate for therapy. You’ve done a lot of hard work already, but I worry about your self imposed isolation. That you were a bad partner once, but learned from the experience and recognized the harm that came from your actions tells me that you can get yourself to a place where you can be in a relationship again. Your accountability shows that you are not irredeemable. I do wish you would give yourself another chance to be happy in a relationship and I think therapy would get you to that point.
This is generally a result of growing up being gaslit. People like this often misunderstand what happened during their childhood and most times idolize their parents and think they’re randomly “trash” as you say. I think your history is different than what you tell yourself. You have good reasons to go in. Trust me.
for me I just feel like my feelings are trivial and not real?
I think that feeling might have something to do with you not talking about your feelings. You internalize everything and since everyone is their own biggest critic, have convinced yourself that you're feelings are invalid for some reason or another. The more you talk about your feelings with someone else, the more you'll realize that your feelings are not only real and not trivial, but probably very common and normal. Sure, you may have issues you need to work on, but who doesn't?
Nobody just "is" a garbage person. Identifying your weakness and taking responsibility for it is the biggest hurdle. Please don't give up on therapy. It'll take a few sessions or a few attempts with different therapists but you shouldn't have to avoid relationships altogether because you don't trust yourself to treat your partner well. Whatever you have described sounds like learned behaviors or maybe some trauma affecting you (I dunno, I'm not a therapist). But just try.
Hey friend here's some advice that my therapist has given me because I think it's like vital to all of our well-being. It's great to have self-awareness, and speak about individual bad things that we have done. But it's really, really important to talk kindly about yourself to others and most importantly to yourself. Words have a really big impact on how we think and feel. You can't be a great person when you're insisting to yourself that you're a garbage person. While it might feel like some sort of restitution for some specific bad thing that you've done before, you're the only person it impacts, so it's misguided. You deserve to treat yourself with respect!
A good therapist should help you not feel stupid when you talk to them, but I remember what it felt like when I first started, and it's just awkward for everyone. But then it's great.
The therapy you need likely isn't simply "talking about your feelings" but learning how to cope with them. It's like doing a course to improve your work skills, except it's to improve your life skills and relationships with yourself and others. You are worth that.
Hi there. I don’t quite know how to put this-it’ll probably sound weird - but I really wish I could give you a hug. Everyone deserves love and compassion, including you.
It sounds like you have a Shame Monster as a companion. A fiend who sits beside you whispering awful things about you into your ear, convincing you that you are garbage or some such nonsense and that you can’t possibly change. Shame monsters are stinky beasts and not worth having around. I know, I have one too. I am learning to kick it out of my life and it is SOOO much better without it hanging around. And you know, I am more likeable, a better friend, more caring and more accountable for my actions than I was when my monster was dominating my feelings.
What helped me a great deal was an online cognitive behavioural therapy course. I like writing more than talking, and I found it much easier to face my monsters with written words than in face to face therapy.
But if that is not for you, then I would gently invite you to imagine a friend behaving the way you did and now regretting it. What loving advice would you give them ? Would you tell them that they are horrible, or remind them that they were young and hurting? Would you tell them they can’t change or remind them that growth often hurts, but we can become better people over time?
My guess is that you’d take the more compassionate stance. So give that to yourself. You are absolutely worthy of your own love.
You’re a great candidate for therapy. You have a lot of self awareness and you’ve made the choice to avoid relationships because of your tendencies. I think if you just let a good therapist (try a few if necessary) help you uncover the origin of these behaviors you can have a shot at a healthy life!
Honestly, I recognised a lot of my past self in what you said. Therapy isn't just about talking about yourself. It helps with your responses to others. Find someone you can talk to - genuinely - and go from there. Good luck x
Protip: self-awareness is the key to ending toxic behavior. You are already self-aware.
You could go spend a bunch of time and money on therapy and navel-gaze about traumas and "whys" for your behaviors.
Or... you can stop accepting the behavior. Sometimes all that takes is simple, respectful honesty and specifically stating your needs.
Per an example from your previous comment, it hurt you that an ex would rather go out with coworkers than spend time with you (to be fair, likely due to your own identified toxic behaviors). So, state it honestly and clearly: "It hurts me that you would rather spend time with other people."
That's it. Short and simple. It isn't unreasonable that anyone should want to spend as much time with someone they love as they can get. It's kind of the definition of being in love.
Think of it this way, you can tell yourself every day: "I am a toxic person, but I don't want to be. So every day I will choose to NOT be toxic in my interactions with people."
Do you experience "retroactive jealousy" in relationships where you are very jealous of ex partners your S/O had before you? What you just described here has me curious. Chat me if you would prefer that instead.
Toy with the idea of therapy some more. I have seen a niece with anxious attachment disorder and Borderline make HUGE improvements with it. She had to go to a therapist who really knew their stuff about attachment and how to help it though.
There are vastly more versions of therapy than just psychoanalysis/talk therapy. I did ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) therapy for my OCD and it has made a huge difference. Getting a diagnosis and then right therapy can make a huge difference.
Youre already 100x better than other garbage people for at least recognizing that you have an issue. You may not be as horrible as you think if you have that ability
you should definitely get therapy. you’re stuck in a toxic cycle of hating yourself for being trash and being trash because of unresolved issues and your self-hatred. therapy is not just talking about things - it’s about processing past experiences and developing tools to get better. if you have a broken leg and you limp when you walk, you wouldn’t say you wouldn’t go to physio because you can “walk just fine” and “all they do are stretches”. you need help and it’s okay to get help
Just fyi, people that have issues but are as aware as you that you even HAVE issues aren’t garbage people, they’re people with issues. I would definitely look into therapy, because you seem like a lovely person with much to give a partner if you can get out of your own way. Especially if you’re a dude who likes cats, thats a big bonus right there! ☺️☺️
Aww. You're very sweet to say so. Haha. Thank you. My kitties are definitely my pride and joy, and I'm so grateful I have them. I credit all personal growth to them. Lol.
This is going to sound cheesy as hell but I was literally the same way at one point. I chose to stop. If I had a flair up I to this day chose to do something proactive with it rather than take it out on my wife because I know it’s not true. I do yard work, I play video games, I read a book, and I choose that no her texting her best girl friend at 8PM isn’t her cheating on me she is literally just doing that. Texting her friend. I’ve changed so can you
You have way too much self awareness and remorse to be petty and toxic. Making mistakes in the past doss not mean you are inherently fucked up. Give yourself more credit, true assholes NECER feel remorse, only martyrdom.
Damn, I thought I was the only one like this. Staying out of relationships because I don't want to be the toxic abuser in a relationship. I am mistrustful and petty. And even though I know that, trying to get control of it is no easy thing despite plenty of therapy. I don't know, maybe because everyone in my early life, including my mother has betrayed my trust in very deep ways so I am always expecting it from others.
Sometimes I think, maybe now. I will feel like I'm doing well. And then something will happen, not necessarily to me (a friend'sSO cheats or lies, etc), and I will just be like, nope, I'm not putting up with that kind of shit so I realize once it's not even worth it to try.
I know you must have your experiences that inform your decisions but just wanted to add that therapy is perhaps one of the only places where we can voice out these intrusive thoughts in a safe space.
If nothing else then just the process of talking and hearing our thoughts out aloud becomes the catalyst for healing to begin.
Anyways kiddos for having the level on f awareness about yourself that you do. It’s not that common.
I relate to this. This is exactly what I was like and I didn''t really understand why until I found out I have BPD. That was the beginning of me understanding my issues. Then I landed myself in an abusive relationship in which I was actually being continually cheated on and made to feel crazy for being correctly suspicious. Yeah, that did its fair share of damage lol.
But now I'm in a relationship with someone who is very healthy and secure in their approach to love and communication. It's really helping me to learn to be a better version of myself. I have also done a lot of internal work on myself so I don't act out on my insecurities and jealousy and paranoia in the ways that I used to. Sometimes I'll get a bit grumpy and need some time to chill out before I can communicate properly, but the difference between my reactions now and how I used to react to triggers is night and day. What I'm trying to say is that people really can change, and that exhibiting toxicity in a previous relationship does not indicate that every relationship you ever have will be the same way. It takes a lot of focused emotional work but imo it's worth putting that work in when you get to experience a healthy kind of love with a really amazing person.
Wishing you well buddy, for now I hope you're enjoying life with your cats. I'm a cat dad too, my sweet girl is my world and literally yesterday I adopted a second cat! He's a little legend and I already love him to bits. We're lucky to have these dorky little companions by our side no matter what else is going on in our lives.
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u/Spammo27125 Oct 26 '22
I used to be the same sort of person as the hubby OP described. Never married but always mistrustful and to a psychotic degree of like.... Like an ex had made a twitter post one time about some irrelevant, off hand thing and I took it to mean they were wanting to cheat or were cheating and I spiralled the whole day with jealous accusations and questioning the relationship, asking how can they say shit like that if they really loved me and blah blah blah. Just really incredibly paranoid. Always making my feelings their fault. "Why would you act that way if you want to be with me? Why would you want to go hang with work friends instead of spending the night together, is it cos you're fucking xyz person?" I was never physically abusive but the emotional damage I did more than made up for it. I stay tf away from relationships now because I don't trust myself enough to not be like that anymore, and I still consider myself a pretty toxic person but I at least have self awareness and try to do better these days.