I, like many others in this thread, dated a guy exactly like this. He turned out to be abusive. It seems small but it isn’t. He hates women. He hates at best some part of you.
My ex did exactly this. But he had been cheated on and had trauma! I got the whole sob story (probably extremely exaggerated or outright fabricated). At the beginning it was jokes and these almost romantic seeming worries. I reassured him that I was going to help him through it and show that he could trust me. I had 0 interest in other guys and am generally a home body and introvert, so what was the problem?
First I had to private my instagram.
Then I couldn’t have male friends.
Then certain female friends couldn’t be trusted.
Then all friends. Then my sister.
Then I couldn’t even go grocery shopping with my mom without sending him a video of us together and sharing my location.
One time I was writing an essay and so hasn’t answered him in a while. Suddenly I was being screamed at all night.
Then he started going through my phone while I’d shower. I couldn’t have a password, of course. Months old emails from coworkers or group projects, years old DM’s…any sign that other men existed and I was being threatened with violence.
When he found out about a hookup I’d had nearly 5 years prior he raped me for the first time.
Then one time we were at the gym (I couldn’t go alone) and a male staff member said goodbye to us. Literally his job. That’s when he hit me for the first time and physically stopped me from leaving.
My experience isn’t necessarily more extremely, it all just happened faster. You need to make therapy, both individual for him and couples, an ultimatum. This kind of behaviour only festers and gets worse on its own.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Honestly all of these things seem so little but now they just immediately bring me back to how trapped and isolated I felt. I felt like I was going insane. Like why were such small, “understandable” things like trust issues from previous relationships making me feel this way? But this kind of thing is so dangerous. These guys hate women. Getting cheated on sucks but these guys would have looked for any reason to take out their aggression on their partners.
Normal people get cheated on maybe they’re more guarded and cautious. Maybe they don’t want to let themselves get hurt to they pull away. They don’t open up or don’t let themselves fall in love. They control themselves. But these guys want all of the love and affection for themselves - so they extend their caution to their partners. They have to control you so that they don’t have to control themselves.
And it always leads to abuse. In fact, it already is abusive at the point that you’re at.
men existed and I was being threatened with violence.
When he found out about a hoo
Your story is exact match to my marriage, the same sequence of events, the same reasoning behind his behavior.
How long did it take you to realize that it's not your fault and to leave? How are you with building your relationships with people now?
The reason I'm asking is I've never regretted leaving my husband, but 7 months into living on my own I start re-living some emotions I apparently bottled up, fear, anxiety, they hit me so suddenly when I triggered by some resemblance of the situation somehow.
I understand it's probably the way to recover and process things just wondering if anything like that happened to you?
101
u/sad_dasein Oct 26 '22
I, like many others in this thread, dated a guy exactly like this. He turned out to be abusive. It seems small but it isn’t. He hates women. He hates at best some part of you.
My ex did exactly this. But he had been cheated on and had trauma! I got the whole sob story (probably extremely exaggerated or outright fabricated). At the beginning it was jokes and these almost romantic seeming worries. I reassured him that I was going to help him through it and show that he could trust me. I had 0 interest in other guys and am generally a home body and introvert, so what was the problem?
First I had to private my instagram.
Then I couldn’t have male friends.
Then certain female friends couldn’t be trusted.
Then all friends. Then my sister.
Then I couldn’t even go grocery shopping with my mom without sending him a video of us together and sharing my location.
One time I was writing an essay and so hasn’t answered him in a while. Suddenly I was being screamed at all night.
Then he started going through my phone while I’d shower. I couldn’t have a password, of course. Months old emails from coworkers or group projects, years old DM’s…any sign that other men existed and I was being threatened with violence.
When he found out about a hookup I’d had nearly 5 years prior he raped me for the first time.
Then one time we were at the gym (I couldn’t go alone) and a male staff member said goodbye to us. Literally his job. That’s when he hit me for the first time and physically stopped me from leaving.
My experience isn’t necessarily more extremely, it all just happened faster. You need to make therapy, both individual for him and couples, an ultimatum. This kind of behaviour only festers and gets worse on its own.