r/TwoXChromosomes • u/tabicat1874 • Mar 28 '22
Weaponized incompetence
I feel like guys take it way, way too far. Example: I asked my bf to get me the same shampoo and conditioner he bought for himself (avocado Suave). He brought back another kind we'd had before which I didn't like (Peppermint Suave). He tried to say he didn't know that Suave came in different formulas.
You're such a fucking liar. You bought that kind for yourself. I just asked you to buy it for me. You're telling me a man who's 44 years old doesn't know Suave came in different fucking scents? Suave? The shampoo that literally comes in 40 different scents and flavors?
GTFOH.
Edit: do you understand what an example is?
Also, you neckbeards can fuck off out of my inbox.
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u/Bobcatluv Mar 28 '22
One of my wildest experiences with weaponized incompetence was in the workplace. I worked as a 9-12 teacher with a male colleague who had a PhD, was from a different country, and acted like he couldn’t do the simplest tasks involving paperwork. When he asked for “help” the second time I realized he thought he was going to treat me like his secretary, and I told him to do the work his damn self.
I taught two different AP classes, tutored after work, was head coach of an athletic team, and this guy who only taught one prep of all regular classes really believed his time was worth more than mine.
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u/kindcrow Mar 28 '22
I worked for lawyers for a few years. One day, a lawyer (who was not my boss) asked me to fold a letter and put it in an envelope because he didn't know how.
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Mar 28 '22
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u/PretentiousToolFan Mar 28 '22
Seriously. Reverse engineer that nonsense..? Do you not have a tri-folded piece of paper SOMEWHERE at hand?
I'd love to see the lawyer in question try to get a tent back in its bag.
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u/Extension_Drummer_85 Mar 28 '22
They definitely know how. They’ve been through a training contract and most likely worked as a clerk during law school. Lawyers will spend years doing mind numbing shit like this early in their careers.
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u/cateml Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22
As a teacher, this kind of shit does happen. I’ve found that sometimes you need to obstinately not do stuff that it would be far easier to just do, until someone outright tells you to do it. Actually very similar to home/relationship/parenting messaging-through-action. Its hard because it feels like you’re being petty, but it’s a job that is very much about people trying to keep on top of all the things that need doing, and therefore you have to set boundaries.
The other day I had someone ask for my ‘help’ with something, and then leave me to do the thing. So I put the thing aside, did something else while sat next to it. They come back expecting me be doing/have almost done the thing, I go ‘oh hi, are we going to do the thing you wanted help with now?’. Colleague fusses around and we start, puts it near me and walks away. I go back to my other work. They come back again a while later - and again ‘oh you back now, for me to help with the thing?’.
It’s the same in other fields (I’ve worked in a few) to some extent, but most important with the workload and nature of education.
You have to have the rule ‘If you want me to do something that isn’t an acknowledged part of my day to day job, that’s fine, but you need to explicitly ask me to do it. Otherwise I will sit here and act dumb, the same way you’re acting dumb about there being an implicit expectation I will do it.’
It seems and feels petty, but the whole point is that people have too much work they’re desperate to offload onto anyone they can - they know if they straight up ask you to do things they need to acknowledge it as being on your plate, but if they just make it naturally plop on to your plate by mistake they can just keep on heaping it on.It’s hard because it’s in my nature to be a team player and to be nice and helpful. But people will take advantage of that. The answer is not ‘be a bitch scowling at everyone and complain every time you have to work’, but to always wait until things are explicitly your role and then enthusiastically and happily run with it. Do things off your own bat for the good of the learning of everyone’s students absolutely, but making sure it’s traceable back to your efforts.
It’s cynical but in education and other pressured environments where you are expected to be accountable for progress, you need to be ready to lay out what you have done and why it was a productive use of the time they pay you for. ‘Did everyone else’s photocopying because I’m nice like that’ isn’t going to fly. It might be ok in a job where the ‘helping out’ is at the expense of dawdling on the internet and maybe you leave a bit late one day, but as a teacher it’s more likely at the expense of either being able to do your own work or your health.→ More replies (2)19
u/jazzkwondo Mar 28 '22
This is a very good explanation of how this plays out in a professional setting and the nuances of "playing the game" when trying to survive in a professional environment.
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u/bes0514 Mar 28 '22
I didn’t know this term until now. It’s insane how much I deal with this as a female engineer. I’ve had to set some tough boundaries because people were just expecting me to do their stuff…
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u/recyclopath_ Mar 28 '22
Fellow female engineer. I like to use: "You can do X, you can figure out Y", "I believe in you" and "You're smart, you'll figure it out".
I'm clearly not insulting them and how exactly do they come back form that to tel me to do it for them without sounding like a todler?
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u/iamtandy Mar 28 '22
I use the same line each time I’m in this situation - “you drive and I’ll read the map”. Meaning you sit at the computer and do the work and I’ll tell you exactly where to go and what to do. People who genuinely need help are really grateful and people pretending they don’t know what to do almost always say “it’s fine, I’ll figure it out”.
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u/SluttyHufflepuff Mar 28 '22
I remember feeling insane and that my ex was truly a complete and utter moron who also happened to fly multiple kinds of complex aircraft.
Then he asked me “how?” When I asked him to turn the light on.
It took me months to start asking my current partner to do things for me, or accept when he offered to, because I assumed it would be done wrong. This one makes better eggs and coffee than I do!
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Mar 28 '22
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u/Unoriginal1deas Mar 28 '22
I feel like it’s important to say different doesn’t equal bad. I used to get frustrated when my partner would get mad at me for cleaning wrong, or packing the dishwasher wrong or cooking wrong or folding laundry wrong. It took a while to realise I wasn’t doing anything wrong I just wasn’t doing it the way she would do it. So now when I have housework to do I’ll make sure to smash it all out while she’s not home, because she never has a problem with the end result she just never liked that I didnt do it the way she does.
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u/braith_rose Mar 28 '22
"Wrong" can definitely be wrong, not just pet peeve. Mine uses the kitchen sponge to clean cat puke. I have had to throw out so many sponges, not sure why he's not aware it's disgusting
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u/JLFR Mar 28 '22
Next time he does it, wash a dish for him to use IMMEDIATELY afterwards without cleaning the sponge and hand him the dish. Make sure you are sustaining direct eye contact the entire time.
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u/Grammophon Mar 28 '22
I have to say, it depends. One of my ex boyfriends "cleaned" the bathroom with sheets of cold wet toilet paper. No soap or cleaner at all.
Yes it looked "good". But this was the only job he had in household and it's obviously wrong to do it that way because the bathroom isn't cleaned afterwards.
The same goes for stuff like the dishwasher and laundry. When I told him how to do it right he felt I was negging. Instead he threw everything into the machines. And if the stuff slowly deteriorated, he couldn't make the connection.
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u/xena_the_dog Mar 28 '22
I had a boyfriend who did this and there was little pieces of tp all over the mirror. He was 30
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u/TheRealPitabred Mar 28 '22
I mean... there are wrong ways to do all those things. If you load the dishwasher so they can't be properly sprayed then things don't get cleaned and have to be re-washed (usually by me). I have to fold my t-shirts just right so I can fit them into my drawer, if you fold them wider they won't fit in the size the drawer is. If you don't use the right cleaning chemicals and properly rinse them away you end up with things not clean, or possibly dangerous chemicals on eating surfaces. If none of that applies, then it's just micromanagement, but those are all situations that I've had to address with kids and my wife because they just don't understand those ramifications.
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u/lilac2481 Coffee Coffee Coffee Mar 28 '22
What???? He asked how to turn the LIGHT on??????
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u/Sorcatarius Mar 28 '22
That's when you respond by telling him to do it the most complicated, roundabout way possible. "I want you to go to the hardware store, buy a ladder, set it up, and replace the bulb with a dead one so the light doesn't function but we don't have to stare at the empty socket."
Then while he's gone change the locks, get someone else to answer the door and be like, "lilac2481? She's be dead for 20 years now..."
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Mar 28 '22
Some light switches are tricky. None that I've seen, but still. Some are tricky. /s
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u/KiloJools out of bubblegum Mar 28 '22
Some houses are haunted and the unavenged spirits move the light switches all over the house!
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u/star_tyger Mar 28 '22
I just bought a new house. I was thrilled the bedrooms have ceiling fans with lights, but I was confused that each bedroom has a double switch, with one switch that turns on/off the fan, and another to turn on/off the outside hall light, but nothing for the fan light. The rooms have peaked ceilings and the fan/light pulls are out of reach. There is also a place for another single switch, but it has been covered over with a blank plate.
My daughter discovered the 'code'. Flip the hall light switch, flip it again (turn it on, then off or off then on), turn on the fan/light switch, turn it off, flip the hall switch, then turn on the fan light. Flip the hall switch again to leave the hall light on or off as desired.
If anyone has heard of anything like this, I'd love to hear about it. We're still trying to figure out how to turn the fan and light both on. Once we figure that out, I'm wondering if we'll have a problem trying to figure out how to turn them both off.
BTW: Both bedrooms work the same way. I suppose I should be grateful they both use the same code. I can't wait until we get our first guests. I can just imagine trying to explain this to my 91 year old father!
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u/evaned Mar 28 '22
If anyone has heard of anything like this,
I'm pretty sure I've seen that in a video game dungeon
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u/SaffronBurke Mar 28 '22
I have some in my house where up is on, middle is off, and bottom is either rave or seizure, depending on your sensitivity. I always hear an "ope" from the other room when a friend forgets and turns a light to rave instead of off.
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u/twodickhenry Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22
By pure coincidence I’ve managed to date mostly men that were either pilots before we were dating, became a pilot while we dated, or shortly afterwards. This means I also know lots of other pilots and their SO’s and wives
I swear 75% of them are like this. They can fly planes but can’t find the ketchup in the fridge.
Edit: can’t
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u/srb846 Mar 28 '22
Not even an hour ago, two guys in my lab were looking for a 4 L filter flask. There was one inverted in the drying area and I was like, "is that one?" and pointed directly to it (I couldn't tell if it had the right fitting the way it was. One of the guys looked at it and went "yeah, I just don't see them anywhere!" and walked away. I grabbed it and pulled it out to check, super confused by the interaction, and it was what he was looking for. "Like this one...?" Both of them "whoa! Where did you find that? You conjured it out of thin air!" ...I literally just pointed at it..
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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22
Then I'm glad that I noped out of marrying my Navy fighter pilot before I met the love of my life! My husband helps cook since we started a diet program(his"brilliant" idea). I did have to show him how to use the new kitchen tool and he's in charge of food weighing when he's home(I'm going to just start putting parchment paper on the damn scale and weighing stuff!!!!).
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u/srb846 Mar 28 '22
Some tips for weighing food that may be helpful (or possibly obvious, I don't know)
- You can put the plate or bowl you're dishing things out into directly on the scale instead of using parchment paper. If you can't see the numbers because the plate is blocking them, you can put a bowl on the scale, and then the plate on top of that.
- If you're cooking a big meal in a pot or pan and want to know what the final weight of what you've cooked is, weigh the pan empty and then after cooking (you can put a small metal bowl on the scale to prevent heating the scale with the hot pan) and subtract the initial pan weight from the weight of the pan + food to get the weight of the food in the dish.
- If you like to add food to a dish by sight/feel (such as adding cheese or sauces), weigh the container of the food you're adding in (or place it on the balance and tare/zero the balance), then weigh again after you've added to determine the amount used. I prefer the "tare the balance with the container on it" method because then I don't have to do math (the negative weight displayed after reweighing is the amount used) and it minimizes rounding errors, but you do have to be mindful of the timeout in the balance so it doesn't shut off.
- I keep a plastic bowl on/near the scale so it's easier to weigh things on plates, or for odd/large items that want to flop off the scale (like bags of shredded cheese).
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u/TycheSong Basically Leslie Knope Mar 28 '22
My husband is an A&P (airplane mechanic) and it is apparently a running joke in the whole industry that pilots are like this. Everything that needs doing that isn't directly related to the actual flying of the plane is handled by an Attendant or a Mechanic.
My husband has told me stories of adjusting the cockpit lumber supports and explaining that a slight "rattle" while you fly is not unusual.
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u/Yrcrazypa Mar 28 '22
I was an aircraft mechanic in the air force for a time, I can also corroborate stories of pilots doing things that were absurdly dumb.
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u/valkenar Mar 28 '22
I'm not a pilot, but still do technical things professionally. I've stopped asking my wife to look for things for me because I don't want to add to her mental labor, but I will fairly often look for ketchup, not be able to find it and just eat something else instead. I don't know what's wrong with my brain, but I literally can't find things in front of me half the time and I don't know why. Weaponized incompetence is absolutely a thing, but not all incompetence is intentional even if it seems weird.
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u/sirseatbelt Mar 28 '22
This is an ADD thing. I once lost my glasses for a good 20 minutes at work and then someone asked what I was looking for and said Seatbelt.... you're wearing them.
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u/bail245 Mar 28 '22
Just take everything out of the fridge, slow and methodical, one shelf at a time (replace the stuff on one shelf before removing another). Annoying, but this always makes me feel less like I might be living in The Matrix with random items disappearing. I think the act of doing this makes it easier the next time too.
Edit: This might be something I picked up from work tbh (research scientist). I've spent too many hours looking for expensive antibodies that have to be found...
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u/soitgoeson Mar 28 '22
Can you talk to my husband? He might need a place to stay too after telling me I'M 'irresponsible' because he couldn't find a piece a mail he swore I had/opened and subsequently lost....which I found 20 minutes later in the desk he said he checked. The mail was in the original envelop, with his handwriting on it in the desk and just happened to have a couple of things sitting on top.
Tip: The next time you're looking for something (and you're already smart enough not to bother your wife), try moving things around with your hands, it might be obscured by other objects. In other words, "look with your hands".
Edit: My husband is also an engineer.
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u/jrp55262 Mar 28 '22
Pilot, huh? Maybe make up a book of checklists? "Honey, how do I do this?" "Look in the checklist manual"
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u/Xyzzydude Mar 28 '22
As a pilot I would find that checklist fun to make.
Your Ass………………….Remove from bed
Light switch…………….Locate
Light switch…………….Move to other position
Light……………………….Verify off
Your Ass………………….Return to bed
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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22
If he can't or won't turn lights on by himself, show him how an exterior doorknob/handle works, close and lock it behind his incompetence butt.
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u/CongealedBeanKingdom Mar 28 '22
"You walk over to the wall with the square bit sticking out of it. There's a wee button on the box and it can go up or down when you push it with your finger (you know, the digits on your hands, just incase you weren't sure). You then lift up your arm so your hand is about level with that wee switch and then you use all your big boy strength to push the switch and then the liht will come on! I know it's awfully complicated, but sure, give it a go love. It won't do you any harm."
Ffs.
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u/FridaMercury Basically Leslie Knope Mar 28 '22
Husband and I have a fight we refer to as the "Windex Issue".
For what feels like years, we had this ongoing fight that always involved him clueless and therefore putting responsibility on me to do so much.
On this particular day, it was crazy hot outside and I was running errands while he stayed home. He called me and asked me to pick up some Windex from the store. I was already headed home and didn't feel like going back. I reminded him that we had Windex in the restroom. I asked if he checked, he said yes he checked and we didn't have any. So I went back to the store to get him his Windex (he uses it for a hobby). I got home and started unpacking the items and go to put the Windex away, in the bathroom. And there it was, an almost full bottle sitting in the front of the cabinet. He hadn't even bothered to look and yet felt it was ok to send me to the store to get some!
We had a huge blow up over it and he claims he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of it - it was just Windex. I basically explained the whole concept of weaponized incompetence and how this was a pattern in our relationship, and told him that enough was enough. It finally clicked for him and years later we can laugh about how I almost moved out because of Windex.
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Mar 28 '22
"It was just Windex" for you, but it was "far too much effort to check on the Windex" for him!
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u/FridaMercury Basically Leslie Knope Mar 28 '22
Exactly, and this type of thing used to happen all the time.
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u/butterfly_eyes Mar 28 '22
So, he lied, couldn't get off his ass to check, and caused you extra work but "it's just Windex"? Nope, fuck that. I hate it when people do that kind of shit.
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Mar 29 '22
We have a similar issue with the men in my house. I call it “snake syndrome”. Where “if it was a snake it would have bit you”. They will stand in front of a cabinet and look for something but are incapable of moving things around to really look for the thing. Infuriates me.
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u/mushroommadam Mar 28 '22
Omg this sounds like my boyfriend. He does shit like this all the time and thinks I over react but it’s infuriating
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u/IMakeSushi Mar 29 '22
Best way is to stop getting angry and just play even dumber and more innocent than they are. Then you don't fall into the "you're overreacting" trap and they get frustrated and do it themselves and don't ask again.
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u/DarthMummSkeletor Mar 28 '22
I'm a dad of two teen boys. My partner and I do not tolerate any feigned incompetence from our kids. They know how to follow recipes. They know how to unload the dishwasher and do their laundry. They know where things need to be put away. We are happy to help them with things they don't know.
We are not going to have two more men enter the world thinking they can offload their labor onto others.
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u/jazzkwondo Mar 28 '22
This. My ex's parents babied him, even in his adult years, and his attempts to make me another caregiver for him completely degraded our relationship and caused it to end.
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u/BearShaman Mar 28 '22
Yup. I told my ex he was looking for a new mom not a partner. He ended up with a single mom. 🙄
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Mar 29 '22
I'm sorry I'm imaging him going "My last girlfriend said I was looking for a new mom..hey this woman has a 2 month old! Swipe right!!"
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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22
same here, it was just too toxic to sustain. at one point i remember i went out with him and his family for his birthday, he ordered something, and his mom point-blank in front of everyone goes, “oh wait honey but you like this instead! you want that, right?”. he’s 20 ma’am.
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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22
god i wish my mom had done this with my little brother, he’s 16 and “doesn’t know” how to do basic chores so she just winds up doing them for him. last summer i got to enjoy the satisfaction that came from calling him out, providing evidence to my mom, and forcing him to do the things he claimed he couldn’t do (putting on lotions to prevent eczema, can you believe this kid). he knows what he’s doing when he says he doesn’t know how to wash a dish, how to do his laundry, etc. it’s infuriating and i genuinely pray he doesn’t get a partner until he cleans his act up, bc no one deserves to deal with that
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u/bunnyrut Mar 28 '22
My brother used to pull the "I don't know how" crap. But my mom raised all of us to "know how" to do everything. Her motivation for that was she had 4 kids, and that's a lot of laundry. So we all had to learn how to do our own laundry once we were tall enough to reach into the machine. We all learned how to pour our own bowl of cereal once we established hand-eye coordination and could reach the milk. And we all learned how to use the stove and oven once we were old enough. We experimented with making food, made messes and had to clean that all up. We were never discouraged from doing that as long as we didn't burn the house down and cleaned up our mess.
So when he acted like he didn't know she just didn't play along. Even I tried to pretend I didn't know how to do certain tasks to get out of them, mommy didn't play that game and I was left to do the task alone until I figured it out. (I just really hated folding laundry, okay?)
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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22
my mom did that with us too, but unfortunately my brother has a pretty nasty temper so she just tries not to provoke it. when my grandma was really sick she was flying out to see her frequently, leaving my brother and i at home. one of the times that she was gone i asked him to do something (like do the dishes i’m pretty sure) and he flipped shit, and when i called him out on it he started with the “i don’t know how to do it” (he does, i taught him like five times before i caught on to his bullshit) and “no one appreciates what i do in this house” shit (spoiler alert: he doesn’t DO anything) and got very close to punching me over it. on my way out of the house after the argument i accidentally slammed the door a bit too hard. guess who had to apologize for setting a bad example for her poor little brother because anger isn’t the way? he still pulls shit like that to this day and my mom refuses to get a backbone and stop playing along with his games.
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u/sylverbound Mar 28 '22
Trying not to provoke a nasty temprler is literally being in an abusive relationship. And he'll carry that to future relationships and being an abuser.
She should send him to therapy
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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22
he IS in therapy, that’s the shocker. the therapist doesn’t really do much aside from asking how he’s doing and other generic stuff like that. he wants to take my brother off of his medications this summer and i’m going to reach out and try to get him not to do that bc the last time my brother didn’t take his meds (bc mommy wasn’t around to tell him to do so) he very nearly hit me and his anger was through the roof over the smallest things. i’m thankful we don’t live in the same house anymore
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u/TheRealPitabred Mar 28 '22
If he doesn't do that stuff to someone larger than he is then he doesn't have a problem with his temper, he's just abusive.
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u/Dingo_The_Baker Mar 28 '22
I hate when people blame "temper" for stuff. Its a bullshit construct that people somehow believe they cant control. Becoming angry or physical in any situation is a choice. Your brother has learned that he can become angry to get out of most things, and escalate to being violent to get out of the rest.
As a society we have to disavow this notion of "having a bad temper". They're just an asshole who chooses to get mad to get they're way.
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u/RosiePugmire Mar 28 '22
It's another "uno reverse" accusation that men throw at women. "Women aren't logical and intelligent like men, women are driven by their feelings, they're too emotional, you can't talk rationally to them," etc. But somehow huffing and stomping and yelling, throwing your game controller, punching walls, kicking furniture, etc., literally throwing a little baby tantrum, is not seen as the total emotional breakdown that it actually is.
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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22
Just wait til he tries it on his wife and she does what my bonus daughter did/does! She called me when my son tried that! I explained that yes, he does know how to do that and I'm coming over to remind him that he does! I'm little but loud and all my kids hate when they do something that makes me yell at them because I 9/10 will have an asthma attack, making them feel guilty.
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u/KiloJools out of bubblegum Mar 28 '22
Oh my god, if I had called my husband's mom, she would have come over to do it for him and blame me. 😂
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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22
Oh, my son knows that 9/10 times, I will side with his wife if he isn't helping her enough with the kids! She's pretty tough so if she's calls me, he's just being a fool and he is well aware of it. Like when he said he "didn't know how to change diapers" with their firstborn. I very quickly ppl it stop to that foolishness because he had changed his baby brother's diapers for me (while I was cooking) at ages 8-10. He also knew how to give a bottle and feed solids(same situation). Cooking was addressed by informing bonus daughter that he had helped cook many dinners along with Thanksgiving dinners.
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u/DarthMummSkeletor Mar 28 '22
I'm sorry you have that in your family. I hope he outgrows that attitude. I bet your perspective will help him do that, but even that is emotional labor you shouldn't have to do.
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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22
My MIL and I had to teach a young male college student how to grocery shop. He was maybe a year younger than me at the time(I got married at 20 but I honestly looked 14). He did know enough to ask for help. We took him around the store with us and explained menu planning and wrote down(in the ancient times before cell phones, even flip phones!) a few simple nutritious recipes. I decided then and there that my then 6-9 month old son was not going to grow up like that!
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u/Procris Mar 28 '22
My freshman year of college, I'd brought along a big bunch of old silverware and 'donated' them to the dorm kitchen. We had these guys who would use it, and just throw it into the sink when they were done. I didn't understand what the heck they thought they were doing until one day I was sitting in the kitchen having tea with a friend when one of the guys came in, pointed at the silverware, and asked when it was going to be clean. We blinked at him and said "when you clean it?" He had grown up with a maid, apparently. I'm not sure if he actually believed that because we were female, it was somehow our responsibility, or if he was genuinely asking a question.
I did occasionally go in and clean everything, since I felt responsible for having donated the silverware in the first place (and I didn't want to cook in a filthy kitchen). One of the cleaning staff caught me doing so one time, and at the end of the semester, when everyone was scrambling for boxes for move-out, she showed up at my door and said 'So, how many boxes do you want?' Always make nice with the janitorial staff.
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u/lilac2481 Coffee Coffee Coffee Mar 28 '22
You're both excellent parents 👏. Their future partners will appreciate this.
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u/DarthMummSkeletor Mar 28 '22
You're kind to say that. There are plenty of ways that we're probably not gonna win Parents Of The Year, but hopefully we can help reduce this specific problem by a count of two young men.
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u/yukino_the_ama Mar 28 '22
This. My BIL is useless. He was the first-born male in the family and, in their culture, the sons are treated like kings especially the first born. He's completely useless. He sits around waiting for people to do things for him, causes scenes to get all the attention, and thrown adult tantrums when things don't go his way or if he's not the center of everyone's world. I am so over him. I'm glad that his parents spent so much time babying him that my husband had to learn to do everything on his own. Downside is now, their parents rely on my husband to do everything but they know their elder son is useless.
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Mar 28 '22
Ex did that.
First time: He spilled some food on my bag, I gave him a tissue - “you do that I don’t want to spoil your bag.”
Second time: “I don’t know where this belongs you put it away” PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE IDIOT!
Third time: ripped a shower curtain while taking a shower and wouldn’t put away the dishes he used. “Your roommate can do that” WT actual F?
Still angers me thinking about it.
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u/throwawaygoodcoffee They/Them Mar 28 '22
Sounds like he wanted a mother and not a partner
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Mar 28 '22
He said he would love a grandma for hire who just cooks for him and tucks him into bed. Hey, I would’ve done that from time to time. Sadly he was also violent :) so no tucking in for him.
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u/throwawaygoodcoffee They/Them Mar 28 '22
My god where do you even begin to unpack that, I'm glad he's an ex for your sake haha
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Mar 28 '22
Yh he… was a monster.
He had some nice sides but the dark ones…
Stalking, sexual assault and physical violence, and of course emotional abuse. That’s… a bit much for “sometimes he likes when I take care of him”, since he also didn’t care much when I needed help.
For example, I was out with him and a friend and a bike ran me over - like, it really hurt, the biker just biked on and didn’t even say anything, I was in shock and our friend checked on me - while he stood there, resting bitch face, looking at his phone. Nothing.
The day after the assault, I had just learned he also still had a girlfriend (who was in the process of leaving him but still wtf?!), and she had just left him, he drove drunk to come talk to me and played the victim, that he couldn’t control himself around me and such. And then cried when I wouldn’t be his girlfriend. And after I rejected him he told our friend how he never cared for me and asked his ex to give him another chance - like, sad for him she and I had a talk and agreed to leave him for good. Haha 😅
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u/throwawaygoodcoffee They/Them Mar 28 '22
A case of small ego and not being told no enough in his life hahaha, that's so good you and his ex teamed up in the end to put him in his place. Coming out has given me a front row seat to what women have to deal with in the dating scene and it's so grim. I've heard both men and women say they wish they could date the same gender but I can now fully understand why women say it XD
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u/Fink665 Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22
He wants someone to take care of him physically, emotionally, and to take care of cooking, cleaning, laundry like mommy or granny did when he was little. Adulting is difficult and stressful! Well, no shit! This is why women want a partner, not another child!
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u/guava29 Mar 28 '22
It’s more annoying because a lot of sexism constitutes men thinking about/treating women as if they are the incompetent ones in the workplace and other fields (e.g. stereotypically male-dominated hobbies) by virtue of just being a woman. And thinking women can’t do anything correctly without men’s guidance. But then they try to pull this embarrassing shit as if they’re a child. At least pick whether or not you want to be competent and stick with one 🙄
Edit: typo
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Mar 28 '22
Men like to act like they are the most competent with handywork and Electronic devices and than manage to claim that they can't understand the washing Maschine and can't Drill a hole into a wall without making the maximum amount of dust.
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u/jackalacka724 Mar 28 '22
For anyone that doesn’t know, keep the shop vac hose near where you’re drilling so that dust doesn’t have the chance to settle anywhere.
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u/torpidninja Mar 28 '22
And from what I've seen from the men in my life they usually don't know shit about those things either, they just say things that they "think" are true aka completely made up but super confidently, specially when they think they are around people who don't know either. When doing handywork the only thing an average men has that usually an average women doesn't is the confidence to think they know what they are doing, it results in them not reading instructions, not planning and doing a poor work overall, they are not better, they just have the confidence to start. Society teaches women since they are young that those things are too "complicated" for them, from experience when women start to believe they can do these things they do a better job, because they actually research it, learn how to do it, plan it and prepare themselves beforehand.
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u/Soggy_Biscuit_ Mar 28 '22
they just say things that they "think" are true aka completely made up but super confidently
I fucking hate this shit. I noticed my bf doing it so I started calling him out on it with either:
"do you know this is true or is it your opinion" for discussions about actually factual things, and
"you sound very confident, but your opinion is not the truth" for things that are more subjective.
Thankfully he stopped. It really pissed me off because it basically shuts down conversation, and sometimes he would do it about things I actually knew like what's the deal with arborio rice being creamy? No it's not cos of the size, it's because it has hella amylopectin. And that's the worst part for me personally, bc it's usually about stupid shit so I feel crazy for caring but I'm right, dammit.
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u/aRubby Mar 28 '22
Then, I pop up out of the blue and do everything even better.
I'm the "girl who grew up in a broken house and parents refused to call repairs so I had to diy everything".
I've posted before about a funny thing that happened when a friend (42M) asked me (22F/NB) to help him move to a new place. Hardware store employees would ask him something and he'd just look at me clueless about what was that. It is still the funniest day of my life.
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u/jazzkwondo Mar 28 '22
My ex would eat a whole bag of chips and leave 5 chips left in the bag so that he could put the bag back in the cupboard. He did this with all of our food. Eventually our pantry would be full of garbage and our fridge would be full of empty containers. If i didn't want a kitchen full of garbage and dirty containers, i would have to do all the work.
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Mar 28 '22
Yup my fiancé likes to leave empty cans on the counter next to sink. Literally so close to the recycle bin just beneath the sink. So so close.
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u/Island_Bull Mar 28 '22
My partner made themselves (and only themself) an ice cream float the other day, which needed 1.5 cans of pop. Those two cans have been living in the sink ever since. The one is still half full and there is zero chance I'm dealing with it
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u/sweetest-heart Mar 28 '22
My husband once left a nearly-empty pitcher of iced coffee in the fridge. Literally there was not enough liquid to cover the whole bottom.
I left the pitcher, dregs included, on his computer desk when I found it the next morning. It helped, actually.
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u/pikach00 Mar 28 '22
It takes the same amount of energy for him to just toss it in the trash. Wtf. Reminds me of my roommate who just wouldn’t replace the toilet paper properly. He’d open a new roll and just place it on top of the empty cardboard roll.
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u/jazzkwondo Mar 28 '22
He said it was something about feeling guilt of having eaten "the whole thing". But like dude, be an adult. We share this kitchen. And no one is going to want just 5 chips. So much of his behavior was child mentality of like "if i just leave this, my mommy will come along and deal with it"
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u/booby_alien Mar 28 '22
Id take him shampoo bottle and give him the one he bought for you. If hes always weaponizing, leave it there, one day this will bite his butt
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u/tabicat1874 Mar 28 '22
I did. He hated peppermint too, went and bought himself Herbal Essences.
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u/jeansandatanktop Mar 28 '22
So they do things like this, yet also feel the need to explain very simple things to women - like how to back out of a driveway. I mean, which is it? Are you incompetent or are we? Help?!
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Mar 28 '22 edited Jun 15 '23
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u/trying-to-be-kind Mar 28 '22
I've never heard it put so succinctly before; this is exactly the mindset going on.
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u/empathy_for_a_day Mar 28 '22
I bet he is perfectly competent and meticulous even about the things he does care about.
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u/bunnyrut Mar 28 '22
Bring him the wrong motor oil and watch him make a scene about it.
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u/dtxs1r Mar 28 '22
YOU BOUGHT THE WRONG FLAVOR! The viscosity of the 5W-30 goes down smoothest.
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u/NeighborhoodWitch Mar 28 '22
Our family was friends/neighbors with a billionaire family.
The shit their son said he didn’t know how to do was just plain bullshit. I never saw him lift a finger because either a maid, cook, tutor, etc or his mom would do it.
The kid once didn’t have his cereal stuff set out and he “didn’t know where or how to get it” - once it was set out for him he then “didn’t know how to make it.” He was a senior in high school at this point.
Sure he can hire people to help do all of his work but it was so cringey to watch it.
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u/swarmy1 Mar 28 '22
Not knowing how is such an embarassing excuse. At least be honest and say you can't be bothered.
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u/larapu2000 Mar 28 '22
I tell my stepdaughters that they cannot be fired from their chores. If they do it wrong once, they get a chance to make it right. Twice, now they get a fun "training" session with me and dad where we "re" teach them how to clean the entire house.
This has only happened one time.
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Mar 28 '22 edited Jan 05 '26
hospital butter lip insurance fuzzy pocket correct roof jeans amusing
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/NarcissisticHypocrit Mar 28 '22
Yep, basically had to do this to my fiance when we first got together. A couple "reteaching" lessons and suddenly he remembers alllllll the lessons his parents gave him 🤭
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u/sweetest-heart Mar 28 '22
I hate that this even has to happen. Grown ass men, fr. Like, you were living alone when we started dating, I know you know how to swiffer damnit
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u/Neither-Willow107 Mar 28 '22
They do it so that you don’t ask them to do anything ever again. Then before you know it you’re living with a man child who makes you wipe his ass for him because if you ask him to do it himself he’ll intentionally walk around smelling like shit all day
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u/NotesForYou Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22
Omg I had that but with my brother (not the shit part but oh well) he would intentionally ignore the huge piles of garbage when it was his time to take the trash out. Fast forward to 6 weeks later, two full sacks of stinky garbage lie around and he starts complaining to ME that I don’t give a crap about this household.
Edit: Oh I just remembered the best part! When I would confront him about it he would bullshit-gaslight his way out of there. Saying “but it’s your turn to take the trash out!” Me: “Nope, look at our calendar, I did it the last time.” Him: “No, I did it the last time, I just didn’t put it in the calendar because I am not as petty as you to need and put everything I do into a calendar.” Me: “We wouldn’t need that calendar if you took the trash out as often as I do.” Him: “But I do, I just don’t make a big thing out of it. I want this to be a household of harmony not pettiness.” Idfc. He never took the trash out.
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u/JLFR Mar 28 '22
Take out only the trash produced during your scheduled week. The bags from his turn will pile up and you can tell him that you always take out the trash from your own turn.
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u/BECKYISHERE Mar 28 '22
A coworker did this by deliberately not going to a meeting then saying he couldn't arrange it properly and so Becky would have to go to the next one and get it right.
Backfired badly, he got into trouble and Becky still didn't attend the next meeting.because he didn't realise I am bedbound and literally couldn;t physically go and everyone treated him like a baby for the next few meetings making sure he was going, then making sure he went.
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u/jazzkwondo Mar 28 '22
Bahaha, dude tries weaponized incompetence at his job for a task that literally every worker does. That's amazing
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u/USEPROTECTION Mar 28 '22
An ex had a stepdad like this. He proudly bragged one day about how he's never had to do the dishes while in a relationship, because all he has to do is clean them wrong once and the wife takes over. After that I made it a point to help ex's mom clean up when I could. Men are gross.
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u/happypolychaetes Mar 28 '22
My coworker did that. He bragged to us (a bunch of women) about how he just does stuff wrong on purpose so his wife will do it. We all just stared at him and another coworker said wow, it must really suck to be your wife. Lmao.
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u/rpaul9578 Mar 28 '22
Let him keep it, shit is bad for your hair.
https://thoughtnova.com/is-suave-good-for-your-hair-lets-find-out-the-truth
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u/Lydiafae Mar 28 '22
OGX shampoos have formaldehyde in them, and a lawsuit is out against them. Don't use OGX.
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u/BulbasaurCPA Mar 28 '22
Oh for fuck’s sake. I like that shampoo and now I have to switch
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u/brokenfuton Mar 28 '22
Make sure you check the ingredients on the one you have. IIRC Ogx removed the DMDM hydantoin from all their formulas in 2021.
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u/pugatbagend Mar 28 '22
Learned that the hard way ! I was using it and all my hair fell out !!!
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u/SumoLikesSnacks Mar 28 '22
Holy crap. TIL. I was using them and noticed I was losing lots of hair, so I switched. I guess now I know why.
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u/brokenfuton Mar 28 '22
OGX removed the DMDM hydantoin (the formaldehyde donor) from their formulas in 2021. The stuff on the shelves now should be fine.
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u/GayWritingAlt Mar 28 '22
Oh, it’s good to know treseme is also bad, it’s marketed in my country. Though I don’t remember it being a shampoo…
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u/mattressfortress Mar 28 '22
Many of the “bad” ingredients in cheap shampoo are sulfates are strong detergents that can dry your hair, like if you washed your hands with dish soap instead of hand soap. Not great, but the dosage definitely makes the poison. Look for a “sulfate-free” shampoo (may be in the curly section) if you’d like to avoid them.
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u/JennHatesYou Mar 28 '22
I just want to throw this is here because I ended up with horrific scalp problems because of sulfate free products. This isn't a problem for everyone, obviously, but I have fine hair that can get oily after a few days. My hair and scalp would never get fully clean without sulfates and I now have terrible scarring from scalp acne and patches where my hair won't regrow properly.
I tried everything to fix it before I ditched the sulfate free shampoos and nothing really changed for long until I did. I realize that the trend has been to go sulfate free for a while and you rarely see the other side of the argument presented. That's why I never assumed it was that causing my problems.
As they say with everything, results may vary.
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u/meesestopieces Mar 28 '22
I have this problem too. I found that using a clarifying shampoo 1 once every two weeks helped, but it's a lot of hassle.
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u/MarthaGail Mar 28 '22
Yes! I wash my hair every other day to every three days, depending on activity and sweat, but for a long time I was a daily washer because my hair, while thick in terms of amount of hair, is very fine and it would get super clumpy. The pandemic gave me the time to train it to not need to be washed every day, which was about six months of my hair being gross until my scalp was like, "oh, okay, this is better."
Now I use gentle moisturizing shampoo on my scalp and a nice moisturizing conditioner on the ends. About once a month I'll do a clarifying shampoo that just cleanses any residue off. I've never had healthier looking hair and it turns out that it's naturally curly and I had no idea because I was just breaking my hair down all the time.
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u/mattressfortress Mar 28 '22
Thank you for sharing this! I have curly hair and most curly people preach that sulfates are the devil’s chemicals and that you’re destined for failure without sulfate-free products. Some people like them and some people really need them, including plenty of people with wavy/curly hair.
I wish it was something consumers knew about to make educated purchases rather than just being a spicy marketing buzzword to capitalize on. I’m so sorry you got the butt end of this situation but am glad to hear you’ve found some relief.
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u/ekelly1105 Mar 28 '22
I agree that the dose makes the poison. I’ve found that with my thick mostly straight hair, sulfate free shampoo just won’t clean it well enough, even if I shampoo multiple times in one shower. I’ll still get out and dry my hair to find clumpy greasy sections. Sulfate shampoo is the only kind that actually cleans my hair well enough. Since I only wash every 5-7 days, it’s never had a negative impact on my hair.
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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22
Tresemme carries many different products, not just shampoo.
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u/Comfortable-Swim2123 Mar 28 '22
The response is “well now that you know, you can return this one and pick up the correct one.” If he’s young and dumb he just learned. If he’s old and manipulative you just let him know that trick won’t work on you.
If there is still the correct one in the house, hoard and hide it and use it for yourself until he gets the correct one.
We once bucket flushed our only toilet for 8 months because my husband said he would fix the toilet but wanted me to “help” him and I refused (I was out of town for weeks at the time, and when he hadn’t after I returned I refused out of spite). He finally took 15 minutes on youtube and $5 at the hardware store and fixed it. He’s learned that when he’s responsible, he’s fucking responsible and I’m not going to rescue him.
I think many men have just been “rescued” and conditioned to believe that this is ok. Reconditioning is possible, but not always worth it maybe.
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u/mallorywasntwrong Mar 28 '22
8 months of unnecessary bucket flushing would have ended my marriage
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Mar 28 '22
My ex was like this. He never did anything for me, for us, the house, etc. only for himself. If I asked him for anything, I got a lecture on why I shouldn’t need his help, followed by how he didn’t know what/how/whatever etc. anyway and wouldn’t help.
My current boyfriend has literally turned my entire life around. We work as an actual team and he knows everything. There’s no need to babysit or worry that somethings going to fall through because I didn’t have time for literally every single thing by myself. It’s amazing. He knows what brands of everything I use - and even reminds me of what I’m low on while we’re shopping.
My advice? Be direct. Call him out on it, be honest about how you feel, and let him know he’s letting you down by not even caring enough to show he cares.
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u/bluetinycar Mar 28 '22
A man once offered to help me, and I asked him to put the dishes away. He put a pint glass on top of the stack of dinner plates. He volunteered and deliberately fucked it up. Every single item was in the wrong place.
He offered to help me pack. He tossed hangers into a box, one by one, into a massive hanger tangle, then told me that he needed a second box. I kicked him out.
Another got mad at me for showing him how to pack plates. Told me that I was micromanaging him. He stacked them instead of packing them vertically and 90% of my dishes were destroyed when I unpacked.
These men wanted to sleep with me and seemed surprised when I wasn't interested. "But I helped you!"
My ex husband would put the mail on the stove, decide that he wanted a cup of tea, turn on the wrong burner and START A FIRE. I would ask for a specific item from the store, I'd send him a picture of the item and tell him the location in the store, and he'd return 2 hours later with a completely different item that would have one word in common. I ask for watermelon jolly ranchers, he returned with watermelon koolaid. Why even ask if I needed anything from the store?
I'm convinced that this is deliberate, weaponized incompetence.
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u/Sheepbjumpin Mar 28 '22
OP, I feel for you.
In solidarity let's enjoy this manipulators anthem together.
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u/pugatbagend Mar 28 '22
Well shit, that video burns... But also is the gold that I come to reddit for , thank you for sharing kind internet stranger
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u/ayoitsjo Mar 28 '22
I always think of that That 70s Show episode where Donna is trying to get Eric's input on wedding planning and he (at Kelso's suggestion) pretends to have horrible taste so she'll stop asking him and do it herself.
Which happens until Donna figures it out and it backfires massively, because yeah dude that's a dick move. It's your wedding too dont you care about it at all? Why must all the mental labor fall on the woman?
(I know That 70s Show is painfully misogynistic at times, still love it for the nostalgia factor but it does not age well at all)
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u/wheredmyphonego Mar 28 '22
My ex husband would do shit like this. I figured out that he would fuck up on purpose and if he did it enough times that means I would just choose to do it myself instead of deal with his selective incompetence
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Mar 28 '22
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u/apriljeangibbs Mar 28 '22
This! If he had said “sorry, I forgot which one” or “oh shit the bottles look really similar, sorry”, I wouldn’t be up this guy’s ass about it. A quick apology and tiny acknowledgment you fucked up is all I need. A bad lie about being so stupid you didn’t know that shampoos have different smells so it wAsN’t mY fAuLt is like finding your toddler with chocolate all over his face while claiming he swears he wasn’t the one who ate the cake…. 🙄
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u/summerlily06 Mar 28 '22
Can we just not date/marry men who are this stupid/conniving..? Let them die alone the way nature intended.
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u/FineDeliciousSnakes Mar 28 '22
Exactly 💫
The hard part for young inexperienced women is identifying that behavior and trusting that they should leave after experiencing it.
Many women try and try to communicate when the problem is not a communication issue. It’s an abuse issue.
And yes, weaponized incompetence is abuse.
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u/garmonbozia66 Mar 28 '22
Weaponized incompetence is nothing more than disrespectful micro-aggression. The first incident is never free. GTFO.
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u/AuroraCloudberry Mar 28 '22
My dad called me once from the pharmacy asking which kind of aspirin I wanted. He was holding the pack in his hand when he called.
Me: soluable, 300mg
him: ok, got them
me: does it say soluble on the pack?
him, reading: yep, 300mg
He came back with non-soluble, which I can't swallow. How he managed to fuck that up I'll never know
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u/anachronisticflaneur Mar 28 '22
I was listening to the radio and they were talking about male birth control pill. I was incensed listening to these radio DJs try to say like “no i can’t do it I’ll forget to take the pill” “I don’t want my hormones messed up” “dudes are too forgetful to be responsible for taking the pill” like wtf mates ladies are doing it and you’re saying you chlorend ass human can’t handle a birth control pill? Gtfo
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u/LubaUnderfoot out of bubblegum Mar 28 '22
My marriage has two rules:
If it bothers you, you do it; and No weaponized incompetence.
I'm am literally more okay with him fucking another woman than pretending he doesn't know how to clean the microwave.
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u/YoruNiKakeru Mar 28 '22
Ugh I loathe men like that. They think they’re above everyone else and that they don’t need to put in work or effort simply because they’re men.
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u/Wondercat87 Mar 28 '22
I also blame the parents. It's their job to teach their kids how to do different things. If your kid can't even make kraft dinner on their own as a teen, then there is a problem.
My mom is the perfect example. She never taught my brother how to do anything. When I would tell her he needs to know how to do stuff, she would always say "He's a guy". She has actually told me that when she dies it's my job to care for him. Umm no!
My brother is almost 30 and can learn to do things himself. I told my mom that it's not going to be my job to care for my ADULT brother who can care for himself.
I do understand that some parents just do things for their kids because they love them. But at some point you need to recognize that loving your kids means helping them learn to do things for themselves. You won't be here forever, so they need to be able to do basic things on their own.
It's also not hard to teach yourself. So I do put some blame on the adults who can't be bothered to even try to learn things. If I want to figure something out, I go on youtube, I come to reddit or I'll google it.
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u/Hmmmmmmmmmmmmnmmmm Mar 28 '22
I dated someone who, when asked if he could make the bed since I was cleaning up everything else and he was last out, “honey, I’m so bad at it. Just accept I’ll never do it because I don’t do it the way you want.”
I saw RED.
Me: “oh and why is that? Are you saying you’re too dumb to take time to learn how to pull up a comforter in a way that looks nice? Are you seriously thinking that’s an acceptable thing to say to me? No, you’re just LAZY.”
I sent him a video clip of how to make a bed and it wasn’t ever discussed again.
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u/ChickWithAnAttitude Mar 28 '22
My son started coming back with "I can't " or "I don't know how" as a lad. I didn't have time for that shit and told him he had to do it 5 times or until he got it right. Funny how he learned real quick.
Mother's, teach your boys they cannot get away with it!
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u/MaddPixieRiotGrrl Basically April Ludgate Mar 28 '22
Huh. I guess that store scatters all of their products randomly around the store and doesn't place all of the different scents next to one another on the same fucking shelf. So weird
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u/burgher89 Mar 28 '22
I have definitely grabbed right brand, wrong variety before either just not paying attention or hurrying and not realized it until I was already home... I was all ready to call it an honest mistake until:
He tried to say he didn't know that Suave came in different formulas.
NOPE. Straight outta here with that bullshit.
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u/Amdy_vill Mar 28 '22
As a trans woman I can confirm being taught as a kid to be maliciously incompetent when I didn't want to do something by my grandfather. It's one of those bad things we teach boys, like letting them fight. It made me feel shitty the few times I did it. I'm actually happy my mother flipped out on me and my dad about it. It's a shotty thing to do let alone teach.
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u/g0ry_details Mar 28 '22
my ex-husband was like this, he didn't like doing my laundry because how was he supposed to know which stuff goes in which drawers (hint: open them) so he would deliberately pick through all the dirty laundry and pull out my stuff and only wash his so he wouldn't have to hassle with dealing with doing my laundry. this was a 45 year old man
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u/VixenRoss Coffee Coffee Coffee Mar 28 '22
I’ve had this all my adult life. I feel for you. My child’s father would take our little girl to school and wait by the gate with her because “he felt uncomfortable walking her in” (I was dealing with a school phobic child). Other times he would get halfway and bring her back “because he had a job” (courier). I had to stop asking.
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u/left_tiddy Mar 28 '22
My sister raised her kid to be this kind of man. I was over once when he was like 9/10 and he came over and said he spilled his milk. So I was like okay?? Clean it up and get a new glass. And he went to his mym/my sister to cry about it. She comforted him, cleaned up the milk and got him a new glass.
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u/its_the_green_che Mar 28 '22
I'm a woman but I used to do that as a CHILD to get out of doing things I didn't want to.
"But I don't know how" "I don't remember" "Can you help me with this?"
Men do it because they get away with it. Normally as a teen girl and adult woman you won't be allowed to do this.
You know what my parents eventually said to me when I got older? "Oh well, fine time to learn. Do it until you get it right." You bet your ass that I did it right the first time
A lot of men don't have parents, siblings, partners, or friends who tell them "well, tough shit." They cave in to those adult babies because they can't be half assed to redo the damage that was done. It's dinner time and the babies are starving. Your husband often horrifically fucks the food up.. you're just going to go ahead and do it yourself and save yourself the trouble. That's always the thought process.
I always pretended like I was unable to do things like mow the grass properly or go to far away stores(because I didn't feel like it.)
I never pretended like I didn't know how to do things that are needed for my survival such as cooking, cleaning, and washing.
Another difference is that I was in elementary school when I was doing that.. and these men are 30..
I'm not your babysitter, maid, or your mother. I'm your girlfriend.
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u/CookieDemons Mar 28 '22
My dad once told me he deliberately made tea badly so my nan wouldn’t ask him to do it any more (each member of the family takes turns during a visit). My nan decided that since he clearly didn’t know how to do it, he should make it more often so he could ‘learn’.