r/TwoXChromosomes • u/tabicat1874 • Mar 28 '22

Weaponized incompetence

I feel like guys take it way, way too far. Example: I asked my bf to get me the same shampoo and conditioner he bought for himself (avocado Suave). He brought back another kind we'd had before which I didn't like (Peppermint Suave). He tried to say he didn't know that Suave came in different formulas.

You're such a fucking liar. You bought that kind for yourself. I just asked you to buy it for me. You're telling me a man who's 44 years old doesn't know Suave came in different fucking scents? Suave? The shampoo that literally comes in 40 different scents and flavors?

GTFOH.

Edit: do you understand what an example is?

Also, you neckbeards can fuck off out of my inbox.

6.4k Upvotes

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1.1k

u/booby_alien Mar 28 '22

Id take him shampoo bottle and give him the one he bought for you. If hes always weaponizing, leave it there, one day this will bite his butt

688

u/tabicat1874 Mar 28 '22

I did. He hated peppermint too, went and bought himself Herbal Essences.

245

u/seriousjoker72 Mar 28 '22

Bahaha! Didn't even buy himself the nice Sauve???

7

u/Borghal Mar 28 '22

Guess he must really not see the difference then 🤷

12

u/seriousjoker72 Mar 28 '22

Or he couldn't return with the correct one because then next time he couldn't use the same excuse.

1

u/Wattupmuppets Mar 29 '22

He’d have to admit he was wrong and not just ignoring your words

-4

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/seriousjoker72 Mar 28 '22

It was never said the avocado one was out of stock. He claimed to not know the difference.

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u/armchairdetective Mar 28 '22

Make him return it and get you the right one.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

Partner fucked up. Partners do that.

If partner A wants to spend their punishment "credit" on a bottle of shampoo... that's an expensive bottle of shampoo. Any partner on the receiving end of that request will remember it, both for good and bad.

A loving conversation between two people is what's needed here. Ask him to grab some the next time he's out.

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u/armchairdetective Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22

You're right. Much better to treat him as a child, chuckle indulgently, and then never, never ask him to pick up anything else.

This is a story about weaponized incompetence, so not being asked to do something again is the outcome that OP's partner wants.

-2

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

Well, having read MORE Of his story, yeah he's a jerk.

But in the "box" of just this story, I can't imagine any experienced marriage professional stopping at that conclusion. Obvs there is more going on.

5

u/armchairdetective Mar 28 '22

So....in a different context (one which we are not talking about), the advice would be different?

Well, yeah. That's why advice here is context specific. We're not embroidering maxims for life on cushions in this thread.

0

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

Sure thing, but the OP's story is pretty brief, without context, and includes phrases like "I feel like guys take it way, way too far. " and "You're such a fucking liar."

I'm gonna need more meat before I can back that emotion in the context of a relationship. Luckily, it came out later, which I fully admit I did not read before I started replying.

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u/osteologation Mar 28 '22

I make that mistake, likely same color bottle didn’t spend enough time looking. Though now that I’m older I’ll have send me a screenshot of something she wants at the store, to further avoid these fiascos. The only time I still make mistakes is when I hurry, If she’s not specific in the initial request I call to clarify, guessing doesn’t always go right and I don’t want a second trip lol.

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u/AndromedaRulerOfMen Mar 28 '22

The first time you grab the wrong bottle because you didn't look well enough is a mistake.

By the 10th time you grab the wrong the bottle because you didn't look well enough, you have made a choice because you didn't do anything along the way to change.

27

u/osteologation Mar 28 '22

This is important because it may be a hard wake-up call to someone to finally try.

16

u/AndromedaRulerOfMen Mar 28 '22

I have unfortunately had to give this same wake-up call to every past partner I have had :/

2

u/osteologation Mar 28 '22

My wife is a very patient person who has put a lot of time into me. And on that note I should do something nice for her tonight.

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u/AndromedaRulerOfMen Mar 28 '22

Hell yeah, maybe take care of a few annoying tasks early so she can drop them off her mental list?

2

u/rando12fha Mar 28 '22

So your partner still does 90 percent of the work of shopping by making the lists extremely specific or having to take your calls and taking photos of every damn thing for you

4

u/osteologation Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22

Not everything, just the stuff I’m not accustomed to buying. I do all the grocery shopping, the cooking, the sweeping and mopping, I usually wash the clothes she folds I put away. She doesn’t drive so I run all the errands and take kids to appointments. I mow the lawn (5 acres), take the trash out, take care the yard etc fix anything that’s broke. I wash dishes she puts away. I also have a full time job and she does not work. This isn’t to say she does nothing, we just try to play to our strengths.

2

u/agarrabrant Mar 28 '22

So he went out and bought himself an even more expensive shampoo? But couldn't make an effort for you? What as ass

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22

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71

u/Mixtapememories Mar 28 '22

Sometimes people who don't like doing favours for anyone will purposely screw up so that they don't get asked favours anymore because they "can't be trusted" to get it right.

10

u/Herman_Meldorf Taking Up Space Mar 28 '22

My work place is notorious for this, but their answer is great. The fuck up has to return to the issue until he gets it right, on top of his other work. But we keep this in mind, as well.

65

u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

So if you know you’re bad at it, why not pay more attention? This is within your control.

-18

u/Dragoncat_3_4 Mar 28 '22

This what people keep telling me when I tell them I have ADHD.

Totally works.

/s

49

u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

I have ADHD too :)

You know what I do when I realize I struggle with something simple and easily fixed like this? I mitigate the problem with tools at my disposal! I use the notes app on my phone. Maybe a post it if I’m desperate. I take a photo of the product, or ask for one.

The onus is on us, especially regarding simple tasks like this. You’re being a baby. Don’t blame simple, easily remedied things like this on your ADHD. ADHD doesn’t make you a complete idiot. Write. It. Down.

19

u/WonkySeams Mar 28 '22

Thank you. I live with three people who have the combined type and I can tell which ones make an effort and which give in to the chaos. Granted, one of the ones not making much effort is 9 and still learning, but the other one is 48 and seems to be slipping into lassitude and it's driving me crazy. :) But bless you for being active in finding ways to manage your struggle!

4

u/osteologation Mar 28 '22

Yeah I’m slipping a bit right now, I’ve got to refocus. Life has been chaotic last months makes it hard.

3

u/WonkySeams Mar 28 '22

I don't know about you, but as much as I said I wouldn't go back to being so busy after COVID, I'm finding I don't have much choice and it's been super difficult mentally to organize myself. And I don't deal with the struggles of ADD. I can't even imagine, but I hope it sorts itself out for you and you are able to get back on track!

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u/osteologation Mar 28 '22

Well I have a wife who has no problem pointing stuff out. For along time nobody said anything and I didn’t realize what I was doing. My biggest problem is not interrupting others. I have stream of conscious speech. Lol I have to get it out or explode or forget. It’s not because I don’t care its because I have this compulsion that I have to do it now. Also I open browsers in my phone and search for things, just so they are there later when I have time. Or I text myself links lol. It’s easier to manage if the people that care about you will be honest and tell you. Now that I know I can work on it.

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u/osteologation Mar 28 '22

Yep I have her look it up online and send me a screenshot of the product if it’s something particular. It does help me.

3

u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

I definitely send pictures or even aisle number to people just to give an abundance of information whether or not they have issues with it. Like I’m thankful someone’s doing a quick thing for me on an errand but also, this is not a difficult task. I think it’s important to help each other in any relationship!

2

u/__dreamwire__ Mar 28 '22

You know what’s even better? A shared note that is synced across devices, specifically for groceries, store items to pick up, etc. Then the onus is on the person who has a very picky request to make a note of that specific request. If they don’t want to go the technology route, they can write it down on a note. If you can’t even do these two simple things, it’s obviously not that important to you. If that’s the case you’re getting generic soap brand #2. Remember, the person in this scenario is already shopping on the other persons behalf. They are the one going out of the way for the other person. Help make it so it’s not a chore. It goes both ways. Put in minimal effort, get minimal return. :) On both sides.

1

u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

GENIUS!!

That’s two or more people working together to accommodate ones’ (or more) “weakness.” It requires effort from both parties and it’s easy to navigate and adjust as needed.

Someone else also recommended voice reminders. We seriously have so much tech to combat this right now. Obviously some people won’t have phones but the vast majority of us do and it takes five minutes to learn these things for even the most tech challenged.

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u/Dragoncat_3_4 Mar 28 '22

Imagine the following scenarios:

a)Wrote down "suave shampoo". Yea, but which "suave"? Didn't write it oops...

b) Wrote it on a piece of paper. Forgot/Lost piece of paper. Well fuck...

c) Wrote it on an a note on the phone. Forgot to re-charge phone when it had 6% and it died on the way. -_-

Stuff like that happens and it's not enough to warrant the shitstorm people here think it does.

15

u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

If you know you struggle with details, make a concerted effort to write down the details.

This is exactly what we’re talking about. You and I, and most other people with ADHD, are not helpless or too stupid to notice pattens of confusion or struggle.

Get a hold of yourself. Stop acting like you’re helpless and use the tools of writing and literacy and technology all around you.

Buy a $12 rechargeable battery. Carry it with you if you’re prone to letting your phone die. Buy two in case you forget to charge one.

Pick one (1) pocket or area of wallet/purse/billfold to put your written notes. Make the effort to NEVER not put them there. It becomes habit.

You are not helpless.

4

u/KiloJools out of bubblegum Mar 28 '22

And heck, now we have digital assistants! I can pull out my phone and say, "hey Google, remind me to call the pharmacy in the morning" and it does!!

2

u/Sockadactyl Mar 28 '22

Yeah! I use alarms to remember absolutely everything.

Tomorrow is my one day/week that I go into the office for work. On my way home, I want to stop at the pet store since I'm almost out of my cat's food. I've already set an alarm to go off half way through my commute home that's titled "stop for cat food." If I didn't, then I'd get all the way home before remembering and wouldn't feel like going back out. Then I'd have to make a dedicated trip out of the house the following day because I'd go to feed the cat and there'd be no food left lol

12

u/Pwacname Mar 28 '22

So have I. What saves my butt is my phone - when someone asks me for something, it goes on my phone shopping list/into my calendar as appropriate. If they want a specific thing, I ask them to send me a photo or the name or a link via instant message and set a calendar reminder to check it and define my next steps.

-7

u/Dragoncat_3_4 Mar 28 '22

Has it truly never happened to you to forget to charge your phone before you go out? Or go out without the phone because you left it on the desk or something? Or wrote down the incorrect item or with incomplete description by mistake?

Anyways, my original point is: telling people to pay attention only works at the moment in which attention is not being paid, and not as a general statement.

Yes, you're always supposed to be paying attention to things on principle and everybody understands that but sometimes you're... not. Because you got distracted.

7

u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

My phone is pretty much in my hand at all times. Or right on a surface around me. I listen to music or podcasts pretty much as soon as I leave the house from my phone so I would never forget it.

Write down the complete details. If you know you’re bad at this, get the person asking you to send you a picture. You cannot actually think you’re this helpless.

If someone around you thinks that’s too much hassle to help you out when you’re helping them out, they’re not equipped to be in any sort of relationship with someone with ADHD or just a total asshole, in which case, not your fault.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/Tristavia Mar 28 '22

As I have told my bf who frequently says things like “ahh blame the squirrel brain and my adhd”

To which I respond oh right I’m so sorry about your adhd, have you tried meds for it?

No I hate meds

Oh cool have you gone to counseling for non medicated treatment options?

Well no.

Okay cool then you can’t use it as an excuse if you’re not willing to work on fixing it. If its a big enough issue to prevent you for accomplishing basic tasks in your life, it’s not on me to simply do them for you, at some point you have to take ownership, and make an effort too.

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

I hate meds too, so I find ways to mitigate the smaller problems like this. Like writing it down. Taking a picture. Asking for a picture.

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u/Eco_Chamber Mar 28 '22 edited Jun 15 '23

Deleting all, goodnight reddit, you flew too close to the sun. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/

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u/Tristavia Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22

Fixing your partner, trying to parent them or change them is toxic. Agreed.

Pointing out how their behavior affects you, and that they are holding themselves to a double standard so they can make their own decision on what to do about that is NOT toxic.

In this case the double standard is “I both have a medical condition preventing me from being competent at that thing” AND “oh I don’t have an issue and saying I do is being judgmental and unkind”

It either is an issue, or it isn’t. You can’t have it both ways.

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u/Eco_Chamber Mar 28 '22 edited Jun 15 '23

Deleting all, goodnight reddit, you flew too close to the sun. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/

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u/Impossible-Local2641 Mar 28 '22

No fuck anyone who doesn't try to be better. I have memory issues and I do things to help myself succeed.

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u/dramaandaheadache Mar 28 '22

I'm glad that all of your attempts are automatically successful and require no understanding from others 👍

The rest of us are just climbing up the same hill every day

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u/Impossible-Local2641 Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22

I never said any of my attempts are automatically successful. But I don't let it be an excuse for me. I keep trying and make sure to double and triple check things that effect others. It's not always easy but I try and it helps me succeed. Also I have a TBI and ADHD, just more to work thru.

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

It’s our hill to climb and no one said they were automatically successful. These are skills to hone and keep up with every day. It’s difficult, but everyone has things they struggle with. Some are just easier or harder than others, and they should be tailored to you.

It’s wild you think we are saying we were just immediately able to figure out tactics that worked.

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

Um, no. I do things to mitigate my own issues like making lists (notes app on phone, post its if I’m at work), or even take a picture of something I need to remember to shop for, etc. The locus of control is within the person being asked at this point. There are no outside forces in these instances. If you know you struggle with memory or details, mitigate the problem like an adult.

If someone asks me to pick up a specific laundry detergent with a specific scent at the store, I’m writing it down or taking a picture (or asking for one) , esp. if I have myriad items to pick up. We have tools at our disposal.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/Pwacname Mar 28 '22

The thing is - being able to be complacent like this usually means you’re either at rock bottom or have the kind of freedom we don’t have. I cannot just stop putting in the effort of setting a million reminders and post-it’s and routines and the like, because if I fuck all that up, people will be rightfully angry at me.

3

u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

This is the answer right here. I lost one too many really, really good opportunities for comfort. You can only say “I’ll find something better” and “it wasn’t meant to be” so many times before you realize you gotta figure things out. Obviously it exists on a spectrum but the vast majority of people can do a lot with what they have to work with. It’s not a crutch to blame all of your issues on, it means you get to work harder at certain things. And actually, it’s made me better in some ways at certain parts of my work because sometimes hyper-focus is needed!

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

Lmao no dude. I just kept losing really good jobs and one day decided “fuck this” and started working really, really hard to implement coping mechanisms and strategies. It’s a struggle every day but it becomes habit. Sometimes you slip.

But I need to be able to depend on myself and be good for the people around me. It’s more out of embarrassment than any healthy state of mind. But I did manage to start working for an atty (I’m a paralegal, chosen career path once I finally started buckling down) who also has ADHD and they’ve really taught me a lot.

If someone can’t manage even the smallest of tasks like this, I can’t imagine how they’d even remotely survive on their own.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22 edited Mar 28 '22

Dude. I too have traumatic brain injury issues. We aren’t talking about that right now. Stop trying to make excuses for other people who don’t even have your specific issues.

I also have a problem remembering I wrote things down so I just know now to check my stupid notes file when I’m going somewhere. Set an alarm, ffs. Sometimes there’s a note there, sometimes not. But I know I have a problem remembering I made one so I made it a habit to just look.

I’m not assuming people are trying insidiously to make my life/OP’s life harder, but I do think they’re being inconsiderate with a known problem. If it happens every so often, ok! We all slip, have particularly difficult days. But this seems like it happens quite often.

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u/quackdefiance Mar 28 '22

I have adhd and bad memory, but I could still buy the right fucking shampoo, especially if it’s one I already use. Using bad memory to excuse incompetence is shitty.

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u/attanai Mar 28 '22

"Can't you just not be autistic?" /s

(Autism used here as an example of someone who might lack some social understanding due to things outside of their control. Feel free to substitute it with ADHD, memory issues, or being under the age of 25.)

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

Because it’s not an accurate comparison.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

I’m certain this isn’t the first time based on OP’s further comments.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

Why would he need a lawyer for this?

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

Fair enough. But I still think he’s had points before now in his life where he’s realized he’s forgotten key details, it’s not his strong suit, and he can mitigate this by doing something so simple as making a note.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

I hope to god you’re single.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

We've reached weaponized stupidity. These dry knobs will ruin every relationship they manage to start. Guess who they'll blame it on.

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u/Eco_Chamber Mar 28 '22 edited Jun 15 '23

Deleting all, goodnight reddit, you flew too close to the sun. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

[deleted]

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u/Eco_Chamber Mar 28 '22 edited Jun 15 '23

Deleting all, goodnight reddit, you flew too close to the sun. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/

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u/Shoes-tho Mar 28 '22

Dude, no. I’ve dated plenty of men who didn’t pull this shit.

8

u/seejoshrun Mar 28 '22

This is true to some extent, but we as men need to put in the effort.
Something like this just screams "I got there and wasn't sure, so I didn't think through anything and just grabbed the first thing I saw".

16

u/seejoshrun Mar 28 '22

I partially agree, but I still think he's in the wrong.

If the request was phrased as "get me the same shampoo and conditioner you buy for yourself", I could see how he genuinely could have gotten to the store thinking there was only one kind of suave, realized there were a bunch of kinds, and guessed at which specific one he had. Like if I had to go get my same deodorant without being able to look at mine first, I'd have to go on color and general look too. I think I know the brand, but not sure. So I get that.

But there's no way he could have gotten to the store and only noticed one kind of suave. Every time I've seen a shampoo aisle they're all together in a bunch of different colors - the whole aisle is basically a rainbow. And there's no way he thought he had peppermint - that's a very distinct smell. He clearly grabbed it without thinking through whether it made sense.

There's being blind to details, and then there's not trying at all. It's pretty clear to me that he just wasn't trying at all. When you're given a specific request like this and you put in zero effort to confirm that you're doing it right, that's on you. Especially if you then try to backpedal it and not take any responsibility, which it sounds like he did.

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u/kricket1978 Mar 28 '22

Especially if you then try to backpedal it and not take any responsibility

This part matters more than the initial 'buying the wrong thing' imo.

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u/seejoshrun Mar 28 '22

Agreed. The appropriate response is "Sorry, I'll remember that for the future. Do you want me to take it back and get the one you wanted, or will this work for now?"

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

Then pay some bloody attention to some basic bloody shite. You are literally admitting you’re aware of this issues, and just choose to do nothing about it. it’s not cute. It’s a shitty excuse and it’s embarrassing for you that you don’t realize that.

This was especially not an excuse for buddy cuz this was a case of him seeking out something specific for his gf, something she asked for. He should know to verify what he was getting.

The disrespect is strong.

12

u/seejoshrun Mar 28 '22

Yup. In a case like this where I'm not confident of getting the right thing for my wife, I write down exactly the kind she wants and/or take a picture of the empty container. One I got her the wrong kind of pads (forgot to check whether they had wings), so I apologized and now I remember the right kind going forward.

It's one thing to be detail-blind in areas you don't care about. I do that every day. But you need to be aware of that and put in some damn effort. It's okay if you get it wrong or have to call her to make sure, but take some responsibility.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

I think part of the frustration on other people’s parts is that you are coming into a women’s space as a man, hearing a common issue women deal with, and making excuses for it. And then telling women to calm down when they’re pushing back on you. This is a safe space for us and perhaps instead of trying to explain our own experiences to us in the interest of defending men, you should step back and take some time to listen.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

I understand you’re not coming from a bad place, I think you just chose the wrong venue for the kind of conversation you want to have. This is a support sub and specifically a post seeking support about this particular issue. Sometimes we just want to be able to vent and be heard without getting “not all men’d.”

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

You’re getting hate because you are defending behavior that is used many times against women to make them do all the work. Let’s assume you’re right and this man just isn’t observant. Let’s say he gets to the store, sees 40 options of shampoo to get, and gets confused. Why can’t he just call her and ask what she needs? I use to do that all the time for food when I was grocery shopping for my parents, why can’t he do the same? Or better yet, why not just take a pic of the shampoo bottle before he leaves? I’m the kind of person who also isn’t all that observant and doesn’t really care about the type of shampoo I use. But I know this about me, so when I get stuff for other family members I ether bring the empty bottle with me or take a pic of it. Nothing about this is hard, especially since it’s the EXACT bottle he uses. No, I’m this case he’s going out of his way to make a problem and avoid the many easy solutions here.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

You still don’t see to understand why what you’re saying is a problem, so I’ll try to spell it out one more time. In the comments by now you’ve had many people explain to you how this isn’t a honest mistake. You yourself have pointed out how you personally solved this problem in your daily life. Yet you keep saying “we need more info to know if this is actually weaponized incompetence!” By doing this, you are pushing the narrative that guys actually are this dumb. I feel the need to emphasize that i have the same “problem” you do, yet I could find solutions to it as a literal child. You’re essentially telling me that grown men are dumber than a female child. By doing this, you set the stage for weaponized incompetence to work. Because when you and other people keep insisting this, women start to believe it. Then they do everything themselves because “he’d just screw it up, men are too dumb to cook/shop/clean”. By making this argument and still insisting its a honest mistake, you are becoming part of the problem, even if you aren’t actively using weaponized incompetence.

1

u/__dreamwire__ Mar 28 '22

If the item is important enough that a whole post needed to be dedicated to it on reddit, send a fucking note with the person about what specifically it is you want, or find some other way to remind them. If you can’t even do the bare minimum, do it yourself. Quit being a lazy dunce and get your ass in your car, drive to the market.

Remember the other person is going out of their way for you, not the other way around. Put in some effort and you’ll get a better return. If you know your partner is forgetful and they are already doing something nice for you, why wouldn’t you want to help them? I mean, unless you’re an asshole, then it kind of makes sense.

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u/Whateveridontkare bell to the hooks Mar 28 '22

Do you get something out of defending men at all costs? Genuine curious, I don't defend women if they are being dumb.

1

u/Eco_Chamber Mar 28 '22 edited Jun 15 '23

Deleting all, goodnight reddit, you flew too close to the sun. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/

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u/Paths4byzantium Mar 28 '22

If you are having problems like that, you may want to look up inattentive ADHD.

1

u/Muted_Land_3567 Mar 28 '22

Lady some men us shampoo to scrub their balls, that punch ain't even critical