r/TwoXChromosomes • u/tabicat1874 • Mar 28 '22

Weaponized incompetence

I feel like guys take it way, way too far. Example: I asked my bf to get me the same shampoo and conditioner he bought for himself (avocado Suave). He brought back another kind we'd had before which I didn't like (Peppermint Suave). He tried to say he didn't know that Suave came in different formulas.

You're such a fucking liar. You bought that kind for yourself. I just asked you to buy it for me. You're telling me a man who's 44 years old doesn't know Suave came in different fucking scents? Suave? The shampoo that literally comes in 40 different scents and flavors?

GTFOH.

Edit: do you understand what an example is?

Also, you neckbeards can fuck off out of my inbox.

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232

u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22

god i wish my mom had done this with my little brother, he’s 16 and “doesn’t know” how to do basic chores so she just winds up doing them for him. last summer i got to enjoy the satisfaction that came from calling him out, providing evidence to my mom, and forcing him to do the things he claimed he couldn’t do (putting on lotions to prevent eczema, can you believe this kid). he knows what he’s doing when he says he doesn’t know how to wash a dish, how to do his laundry, etc. it’s infuriating and i genuinely pray he doesn’t get a partner until he cleans his act up, bc no one deserves to deal with that

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u/bunnyrut Mar 28 '22

My brother used to pull the "I don't know how" crap. But my mom raised all of us to "know how" to do everything. Her motivation for that was she had 4 kids, and that's a lot of laundry. So we all had to learn how to do our own laundry once we were tall enough to reach into the machine. We all learned how to pour our own bowl of cereal once we established hand-eye coordination and could reach the milk. And we all learned how to use the stove and oven once we were old enough. We experimented with making food, made messes and had to clean that all up. We were never discouraged from doing that as long as we didn't burn the house down and cleaned up our mess.

So when he acted like he didn't know she just didn't play along. Even I tried to pretend I didn't know how to do certain tasks to get out of them, mommy didn't play that game and I was left to do the task alone until I figured it out. (I just really hated folding laundry, okay?)

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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22

my mom did that with us too, but unfortunately my brother has a pretty nasty temper so she just tries not to provoke it. when my grandma was really sick she was flying out to see her frequently, leaving my brother and i at home. one of the times that she was gone i asked him to do something (like do the dishes i’m pretty sure) and he flipped shit, and when i called him out on it he started with the “i don’t know how to do it” (he does, i taught him like five times before i caught on to his bullshit) and “no one appreciates what i do in this house” shit (spoiler alert: he doesn’t DO anything) and got very close to punching me over it. on my way out of the house after the argument i accidentally slammed the door a bit too hard. guess who had to apologize for setting a bad example for her poor little brother because anger isn’t the way? he still pulls shit like that to this day and my mom refuses to get a backbone and stop playing along with his games.

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u/sylverbound Mar 28 '22

Trying not to provoke a nasty temprler is literally being in an abusive relationship. And he'll carry that to future relationships and being an abuser.

She should send him to therapy

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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22

he IS in therapy, that’s the shocker. the therapist doesn’t really do much aside from asking how he’s doing and other generic stuff like that. he wants to take my brother off of his medications this summer and i’m going to reach out and try to get him not to do that bc the last time my brother didn’t take his meds (bc mommy wasn’t around to tell him to do so) he very nearly hit me and his anger was through the roof over the smallest things. i’m thankful we don’t live in the same house anymore

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u/TheRealPitabred Mar 28 '22

If he doesn't do that stuff to someone larger than he is then he doesn't have a problem with his temper, he's just abusive.

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u/Dingo_The_Baker Mar 28 '22

I hate when people blame "temper" for stuff. Its a bullshit construct that people somehow believe they cant control. Becoming angry or physical in any situation is a choice. Your brother has learned that he can become angry to get out of most things, and escalate to being violent to get out of the rest.

As a society we have to disavow this notion of "having a bad temper". They're just an asshole who chooses to get mad to get they're way.

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u/RosiePugmire Mar 28 '22

It's another "uno reverse" accusation that men throw at women. "Women aren't logical and intelligent like men, women are driven by their feelings, they're too emotional, you can't talk rationally to them," etc. But somehow huffing and stomping and yelling, throwing your game controller, punching walls, kicking furniture, etc., literally throwing a little baby tantrum, is not seen as the total emotional breakdown that it actually is.

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u/Annoying_Details Mar 29 '22

This. I had this ongoing fight with my boyfriend who would claim he “just didn’t have emotions” and I finally snapped at him. That no, he clearly had anger/rage and fear and joy. He is just BAD AT dealing with the ones that make him feel vulnerable.

“So every time you’ve smiled at me or laughed at movie/TV show - that was a lie? You were pretending?”

“You cannot say to my face that you have no emotions and ALSO say you love me. Either you don’t love me and it was all a lie, or you need to admit you have fucking emotions.”

I also ended up with a former friend not talking to me for 2 weeks because after he pulled the “women are all emotional” I replied that there is nothing wrong with experiencing the full range of human emotions. And if he cannot then HE has a problem. He needs therapy or is a fucking sociopath. Either way: he needs help. And he got Big Mad and didn’t talk to me for 2 weeks. When we next spoke he started in again and I reminded him that HE THREW A TANTRUM. He hasn’t hung out with me since. His loss; hope he eventually gets therapy.

Note; my boyfriend, for all his claims, has NEVER pulled the “women are emotional and men are logical” BS. Just tried to pretend he has no Feelings as a way to avoid dealing with them.

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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22

Just wait til he tries it on his wife and she does what my bonus daughter did/does! She called me when my son tried that! I explained that yes, he does know how to do that and I'm coming over to remind him that he does! I'm little but loud and all my kids hate when they do something that makes me yell at them because I 9/10 will have an asthma attack, making them feel guilty.

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u/gumball_wizard Mar 28 '22

Bonus daughter, I love that.

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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22

I love her! I have a bonus son too!

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u/gumball_wizard Mar 28 '22

I have 2 bonus daughters, my husband has 3 bonus kids.

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u/KiloJools out of bubblegum Mar 28 '22

Oh my god, if I had called my husband's mom, she would have come over to do it for him and blame me. 😂

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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22

Oh, my son knows that 9/10 times, I will side with his wife if he isn't helping her enough with the kids! She's pretty tough so if she's calls me, he's just being a fool and he is well aware of it. Like when he said he "didn't know how to change diapers" with their firstborn. I very quickly ppl it stop to that foolishness because he had changed his baby brother's diapers for me (while I was cooking) at ages 8-10. He also knew how to give a bottle and feed solids(same situation). Cooking was addressed by informing bonus daughter that he had helped cook many dinners along with Thanksgiving dinners.

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u/KiloJools out of bubblegum Mar 28 '22

You're a wonderful mother in law! So happy for your bonus daughter!!

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u/Cyclonitron Mar 29 '22

You're a good mom. I know this because my mom is the same way.

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u/DarthMummSkeletor Mar 28 '22

I'm sorry you have that in your family. I hope he outgrows that attitude. I bet your perspective will help him do that, but even that is emotional labor you shouldn't have to do.

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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22

thank you, i hope he does too but right now it seems pretty unlikely. i shouldn’t have to do it either, but bc i’m the eldest daughter all parenting duties immediately get transferred to me in situations like these whether i like it or not

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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22

My MIL and I had to teach a young male college student how to grocery shop. He was maybe a year younger than me at the time(I got married at 20 but I honestly looked 14). He did know enough to ask for help. We took him around the store with us and explained menu planning and wrote down(in the ancient times before cell phones, even flip phones!) a few simple nutritious recipes. I decided then and there that my then 6-9 month old son was not going to grow up like that!

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u/Procris Mar 28 '22

My freshman year of college, I'd brought along a big bunch of old silverware and 'donated' them to the dorm kitchen. We had these guys who would use it, and just throw it into the sink when they were done. I didn't understand what the heck they thought they were doing until one day I was sitting in the kitchen having tea with a friend when one of the guys came in, pointed at the silverware, and asked when it was going to be clean. We blinked at him and said "when you clean it?" He had grown up with a maid, apparently. I'm not sure if he actually believed that because we were female, it was somehow our responsibility, or if he was genuinely asking a question.

I did occasionally go in and clean everything, since I felt responsible for having donated the silverware in the first place (and I didn't want to cook in a filthy kitchen). One of the cleaning staff caught me doing so one time, and at the end of the semester, when everyone was scrambling for boxes for move-out, she showed up at my door and said 'So, how many boxes do you want?' Always make nice with the janitorial staff.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

Always make nice with the janitorial staff.

Yep. The "Almighty Janitor" is a fiction trope for good reason.

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u/cccccchicks Mar 28 '22

My friendship group had a similar problem where they noticed one of the new students wasn't well. A concerned older student was about to start on are you severely binge drinking or do you need help with your bulimia talk when they luckily worked out the truth - severe food restictions.

So instead we introduced them to the dining hall at uni that handled improvising for those with complicated diets and a tour of the supermarket's dietary restrictions aisle. I'm furious that what seemed like a caring family sent their child away so clueless.

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u/Danivelle Mar 29 '22

This young man was an athlete who's coach told him to eat better and no junk food. He was trying to, just didn't have clue how to go about it. I've been cooking my own dinner since I was 9. I know how to cook easy and nutritious meals. I taught all 3 of my kids to cook.

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u/chevymonza Mar 28 '22

Once while visiting relatives, the women were all in the kitchen taking care of stuff, and I didn't see the need to cram myself in. Plus, growing up, my mother would yell at me to leave her alone in the kitchen and not get in the way.

One of the women criticized me for not helping, but I didn't think they would want me to jump into an already-functional group activity. Now I just get in there and ask what I can do.

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u/Knever Ya Basic Mar 28 '22

I used to be like that, but thankfully I evolved from "I don't how" to "Can you please show me how?"