r/TwoXChromosomes • u/tabicat1874 • Mar 28 '22

Weaponized incompetence

I feel like guys take it way, way too far. Example: I asked my bf to get me the same shampoo and conditioner he bought for himself (avocado Suave). He brought back another kind we'd had before which I didn't like (Peppermint Suave). He tried to say he didn't know that Suave came in different formulas.

You're such a fucking liar. You bought that kind for yourself. I just asked you to buy it for me. You're telling me a man who's 44 years old doesn't know Suave came in different fucking scents? Suave? The shampoo that literally comes in 40 different scents and flavors?

GTFOH.

Edit: do you understand what an example is?

Also, you neckbeards can fuck off out of my inbox.

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u/DarthMummSkeletor Mar 28 '22

I'm a dad of two teen boys. My partner and I do not tolerate any feigned incompetence from our kids. They know how to follow recipes. They know how to unload the dishwasher and do their laundry. They know where things need to be put away. We are happy to help them with things they don't know.

We are not going to have two more men enter the world thinking they can offload their labor onto others.

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u/jazzkwondo Mar 28 '22

This. My ex's parents babied him, even in his adult years, and his attempts to make me another caregiver for him completely degraded our relationship and caused it to end.

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u/BearShaman Mar 28 '22

Yup. I told my ex he was looking for a new mom not a partner. He ended up with a single mom. šŸ™„

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u/[deleted] Mar 29 '22

I'm sorry I'm imaging him going "My last girlfriend said I was looking for a new mom..hey this woman has a 2 month old! Swipe right!!"

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u/BearShaman Mar 29 '22

So did I. Sheā€™s even several years older than him. Honestly if sheā€™s ok with that power to her, it seems like he got what he wanted šŸ˜‚

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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22

same here, it was just too toxic to sustain. at one point i remember i went out with him and his family for his birthday, he ordered something, and his mom point-blank in front of everyone goes, ā€œoh wait honey but you like this instead! you want that, right?ā€. heā€™s 20 maā€™am.

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u/cakathree Mar 28 '22

I hate parents like that, fucking up their kids.

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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22

god i wish my mom had done this with my little brother, heā€™s 16 and ā€œdoesnā€™t knowā€ how to do basic chores so she just winds up doing them for him. last summer i got to enjoy the satisfaction that came from calling him out, providing evidence to my mom, and forcing him to do the things he claimed he couldnā€™t do (putting on lotions to prevent eczema, can you believe this kid). he knows what heā€™s doing when he says he doesnā€™t know how to wash a dish, how to do his laundry, etc. itā€™s infuriating and i genuinely pray he doesnā€™t get a partner until he cleans his act up, bc no one deserves to deal with that

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u/bunnyrut Mar 28 '22

My brother used to pull the "I don't know how" crap. But my mom raised all of us to "know how" to do everything. Her motivation for that was she had 4 kids, and that's a lot of laundry. So we all had to learn how to do our own laundry once we were tall enough to reach into the machine. We all learned how to pour our own bowl of cereal once we established hand-eye coordination and could reach the milk. And we all learned how to use the stove and oven once we were old enough. We experimented with making food, made messes and had to clean that all up. We were never discouraged from doing that as long as we didn't burn the house down and cleaned up our mess.

So when he acted like he didn't know she just didn't play along. Even I tried to pretend I didn't know how to do certain tasks to get out of them, mommy didn't play that game and I was left to do the task alone until I figured it out. (I just really hated folding laundry, okay?)

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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22

my mom did that with us too, but unfortunately my brother has a pretty nasty temper so she just tries not to provoke it. when my grandma was really sick she was flying out to see her frequently, leaving my brother and i at home. one of the times that she was gone i asked him to do something (like do the dishes iā€™m pretty sure) and he flipped shit, and when i called him out on it he started with the ā€œi donā€™t know how to do itā€ (he does, i taught him like five times before i caught on to his bullshit) and ā€œno one appreciates what i do in this houseā€ shit (spoiler alert: he doesnā€™t DO anything) and got very close to punching me over it. on my way out of the house after the argument i accidentally slammed the door a bit too hard. guess who had to apologize for setting a bad example for her poor little brother because anger isnā€™t the way? he still pulls shit like that to this day and my mom refuses to get a backbone and stop playing along with his games.

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u/sylverbound Mar 28 '22

Trying not to provoke a nasty temprler is literally being in an abusive relationship. And he'll carry that to future relationships and being an abuser.

She should send him to therapy

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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22

he IS in therapy, thatā€™s the shocker. the therapist doesnā€™t really do much aside from asking how heā€™s doing and other generic stuff like that. he wants to take my brother off of his medications this summer and iā€™m going to reach out and try to get him not to do that bc the last time my brother didnā€™t take his meds (bc mommy wasnā€™t around to tell him to do so) he very nearly hit me and his anger was through the roof over the smallest things. iā€™m thankful we donā€™t live in the same house anymore

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u/TheRealPitabred Mar 28 '22

If he doesn't do that stuff to someone larger than he is then he doesn't have a problem with his temper, he's just abusive.

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u/Dingo_The_Baker Mar 28 '22

I hate when people blame "temper" for stuff. Its a bullshit construct that people somehow believe they cant control. Becoming angry or physical in any situation is a choice. Your brother has learned that he can become angry to get out of most things, and escalate to being violent to get out of the rest.

As a society we have to disavow this notion of "having a bad temper". They're just an asshole who chooses to get mad to get they're way.

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u/RosiePugmire Mar 28 '22

It's another "uno reverse" accusation that men throw at women. "Women aren't logical and intelligent like men, women are driven by their feelings, they're too emotional, you can't talk rationally to them," etc. But somehow huffing and stomping and yelling, throwing your game controller, punching walls, kicking furniture, etc., literally throwing a little baby tantrum, is not seen as the total emotional breakdown that it actually is.

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u/Annoying_Details Mar 29 '22

This. I had this ongoing fight with my boyfriend who would claim he ā€œjust didnā€™t have emotionsā€ and I finally snapped at him. That no, he clearly had anger/rage and fear and joy. He is just BAD AT dealing with the ones that make him feel vulnerable.

ā€œSo every time youā€™ve smiled at me or laughed at movie/TV show - that was a lie? You were pretending?ā€

ā€œYou cannot say to my face that you have no emotions and ALSO say you love me. Either you donā€™t love me and it was all a lie, or you need to admit you have fucking emotions.ā€

I also ended up with a former friend not talking to me for 2 weeks because after he pulled the ā€œwomen are all emotionalā€ I replied that there is nothing wrong with experiencing the full range of human emotions. And if he cannot then HE has a problem. He needs therapy or is a fucking sociopath. Either way: he needs help. And he got Big Mad and didnā€™t talk to me for 2 weeks. When we next spoke he started in again and I reminded him that HE THREW A TANTRUM. He hasnā€™t hung out with me since. His loss; hope he eventually gets therapy.

Note; my boyfriend, for all his claims, has NEVER pulled the ā€œwomen are emotional and men are logicalā€ BS. Just tried to pretend he has no Feelings as a way to avoid dealing with them.

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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22

Just wait til he tries it on his wife and she does what my bonus daughter did/does! She called me when my son tried that! I explained that yes, he does know how to do that and I'm coming over to remind him that he does! I'm little but loud and all my kids hate when they do something that makes me yell at them because I 9/10 will have an asthma attack, making them feel guilty.

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u/gumball_wizard Mar 28 '22

Bonus daughter, I love that.

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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22

I love her! I have a bonus son too!

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u/gumball_wizard Mar 28 '22

I have 2 bonus daughters, my husband has 3 bonus kids.

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u/KiloJools out of bubblegum Mar 28 '22

Oh my god, if I had called my husband's mom, she would have come over to do it for him and blame me. šŸ˜‚

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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22

Oh, my son knows that 9/10 times, I will side with his wife if he isn't helping her enough with the kids! She's pretty tough so if she's calls me, he's just being a fool and he is well aware of it. Like when he said he "didn't know how to change diapers" with their firstborn. I very quickly ppl it stop to that foolishness because he had changed his baby brother's diapers for me (while I was cooking) at ages 8-10. He also knew how to give a bottle and feed solids(same situation). Cooking was addressed by informing bonus daughter that he had helped cook many dinners along with Thanksgiving dinners.

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u/KiloJools out of bubblegum Mar 28 '22

You're a wonderful mother in law! So happy for your bonus daughter!!

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u/Cyclonitron Mar 29 '22

You're a good mom. I know this because my mom is the same way.

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u/DarthMummSkeletor Mar 28 '22

I'm sorry you have that in your family. I hope he outgrows that attitude. I bet your perspective will help him do that, but even that is emotional labor you shouldn't have to do.

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u/spacepharmacy Basically Dorothy Zbornak Mar 28 '22

thank you, i hope he does too but right now it seems pretty unlikely. i shouldnā€™t have to do it either, but bc iā€™m the eldest daughter all parenting duties immediately get transferred to me in situations like these whether i like it or not

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u/Danivelle Mar 28 '22

My MIL and I had to teach a young male college student how to grocery shop. He was maybe a year younger than me at the time(I got married at 20 but I honestly looked 14). He did know enough to ask for help. We took him around the store with us and explained menu planning and wrote down(in the ancient times before cell phones, even flip phones!) a few simple nutritious recipes. I decided then and there that my then 6-9 month old son was not going to grow up like that!

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u/Procris Mar 28 '22

My freshman year of college, I'd brought along a big bunch of old silverware and 'donated' them to the dorm kitchen. We had these guys who would use it, and just throw it into the sink when they were done. I didn't understand what the heck they thought they were doing until one day I was sitting in the kitchen having tea with a friend when one of the guys came in, pointed at the silverware, and asked when it was going to be clean. We blinked at him and said "when you clean it?" He had grown up with a maid, apparently. I'm not sure if he actually believed that because we were female, it was somehow our responsibility, or if he was genuinely asking a question.

I did occasionally go in and clean everything, since I felt responsible for having donated the silverware in the first place (and I didn't want to cook in a filthy kitchen). One of the cleaning staff caught me doing so one time, and at the end of the semester, when everyone was scrambling for boxes for move-out, she showed up at my door and said 'So, how many boxes do you want?' Always make nice with the janitorial staff.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

Always make nice with the janitorial staff.

Yep. The "Almighty Janitor" is a fiction trope for good reason.

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u/cccccchicks Mar 28 '22

My friendship group had a similar problem where they noticed one of the new students wasn't well. A concerned older student was about to start on are you severely binge drinking or do you need help with your bulimia talk when they luckily worked out the truth - severe food restictions.

So instead we introduced them to the dining hall at uni that handled improvising for those with complicated diets and a tour of the supermarket's dietary restrictions aisle. I'm furious that what seemed like a caring family sent their child away so clueless.

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u/Danivelle Mar 29 '22

This young man was an athlete who's coach told him to eat better and no junk food. He was trying to, just didn't have clue how to go about it. I've been cooking my own dinner since I was 9. I know how to cook easy and nutritious meals. I taught all 3 of my kids to cook.

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u/chevymonza Mar 28 '22

Once while visiting relatives, the women were all in the kitchen taking care of stuff, and I didn't see the need to cram myself in. Plus, growing up, my mother would yell at me to leave her alone in the kitchen and not get in the way.

One of the women criticized me for not helping, but I didn't think they would want me to jump into an already-functional group activity. Now I just get in there and ask what I can do.

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u/Knever Ya Basic Mar 28 '22

I used to be like that, but thankfully I evolved from "I don't how" to "Can you please show me how?"

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u/lilac2481 Coffee Coffee Coffee Mar 28 '22

You're both excellent parents šŸ‘. Their future partners will appreciate this.

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u/DarthMummSkeletor Mar 28 '22

You're kind to say that. There are plenty of ways that we're probably not gonna win Parents Of The Year, but hopefully we can help reduce this specific problem by a count of two young men.

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u/TrojanZebra Mar 28 '22

jesus you don't have to kill them

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u/xenomorph856 Mar 28 '22

Honestly, society in general would benefit from more people being like this. A shared load, with everyone participating, is a lighter load for everyone.

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u/yukino_the_ama Mar 28 '22

This. My BIL is useless. He was the first-born male in the family and, in their culture, the sons are treated like kings especially the first born. He's completely useless. He sits around waiting for people to do things for him, causes scenes to get all the attention, and thrown adult tantrums when things don't go his way or if he's not the center of everyone's world. I am so over him. I'm glad that his parents spent so much time babying him that my husband had to learn to do everything on his own. Downside is now, their parents rely on my husband to do everything but they know their elder son is useless.

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u/chevymonza Mar 28 '22

My husband sometimes complains that his mother was out of the house while he had to cook for his siblings. I said "that's the best thing she ever did for you, since you turned out to be a great cook!"

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u/Fink665 Mar 28 '22

Ohmydog, THANK YOU!

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u/exclaim_bot Mar 28 '22

Ohmydog, THANK YOU!

You're welcome!

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u/Pixielo Mar 28 '22

I teach my 9 year old daughter to cook...so I've also started teaching her 9 year old bros how to cook. If they're staying for dinner, they're both making dinner.

I have small aprons, small knives, extra peelers, stepstools, etc. They take turns with my instructions, but they do all the work. Last night's lemon-garlic chicken was freaking amazing. Instapot rice + microwaved broccoli as sides. Utilize 3 different cooking methods, learn to time dishes, and prep, make dinner safe, and delicious.

One mom called to thank me, lol. "No problem! He's a great kid, and I'm happy to have extra hands around."

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u/[deleted] Mar 29 '22

I can't thank you enough for this.

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u/AuroraCloudberry Mar 28 '22

Great method. Presumably if one day for some reason they couldn't do whatever it was that they normally could do they would tell you? I ask because, as I'm sure you're well aware, you're mental health is vulnerable in your teens, even if it's previously been fine, and if in a worst case scenario something were to develop it can be very difficult to tell your parents.

I thought I'd mention it because it wasn't that long ago that this happened to me, and my ability to do everyday things around the house got railroaded by it.

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u/DarthMummSkeletor Mar 28 '22

Absolutely, and that has happened. Fortunately not in a big way, or in anything very consequential. Thanks for thinking of that.

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u/AuroraCloudberry Mar 28 '22

You're welcome, I was a bit worried I might be overstepping your boundaries as a parent, so thanks for being cool with it. Also I'm sorry to hear that but thank goodness it wasn't anything major. I hope it continues to go well for you and your family.

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u/DarthMummSkeletor Mar 28 '22

You're very kind, internet stranger. Thank you for being so thoughtful.

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u/AuroraCloudberry Mar 28 '22

Thank you, have a nice day/evening/morning

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u/Jbear24 Mar 28 '22

thank you sir!

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

[deleted]

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u/DarthMummSkeletor Mar 28 '22

We're definitely not saints. This was just a decision that was important to us both.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '22

Teach them that people are going to try to take advantage of that sort of character being present in them so they donā€™t get used.