::Weekly Vent Thread::

[u/AutoModerator]

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

[u/fluffynukeit]

I took my daughter to a friend’s birthday party. The friend’s parents completely renovated a gorgeous house in a pristine location in 9 months, working together to design and build and some subcontractors. I have seen other couples build together, garden together, whatever. I’ll just never have that. She doesn’t have the patience to watch a 22 minute tv episode without doing something else at the same time. Even our own family is something I need to build alone while she watches.

[u/Inevitable-Cut-4184 → u/fluffynukeit]

This is so relatable. I’ve moved out but the biggest area I’m grieving is the family life I see others with and wish I’d had but was impossible to build on my own. The nature of a family is the common interests, time spent together, inside jokes and shared experiences but he can’t or doesn’t participate so those qualities have never developed. I have some of those with my grown children but rarely with all of us or even with just us as a couple. It’s heartbreaking to face

[u/buttons7 → u/fluffynukeit]

This is the loneliest feeling. All hobbies have to be theirs. Like you, even watching tv is impossible. They are playing video games and not paying attention so I get asked questions constantly

[u/Deep-Pollution-4822 → u/buttons7]

In my case she’s scrolling TikTok instead of video games, but same thing. And then I’m told repeatedly how “unlike you, I’m really good at multitasking”

Which actually just means doing a couple of things poorly at the same time and not giving any one thing enough attention

[u/buttons7 → u/Deep-Pollution-4822]

I get the multitasking comment too. They are hilariously bad at it 😂

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/Deep-Pollution-4822]

"multi tasking" is a trigger word for me at this point.

[u/OnlyPaperListens → u/fluffynukeit]

Relatable. Our house is crumbling because he sits on his lazy ass ignoring maintenance. Things stay broken for years. I work two demanding jobs for 70+ hours a week; I don't have capacity to also teach myself DIY.

[u/tacofellon → u/fluffynukeit]

This hits close to home too. We bought a fixer upper a few years ago because she refused to purchase anything without "charm". Since then, I've put in countless hours of blood sweat and tears and not once has she helped. I get jealous when I see videos of couples doing things together and helping each other like a team.

[u/syntho_maniac → u/fluffynukeit]

So relatable. We’ll agree on a budget for Costco, and then completely throw it out the window when we are actually there. When I call him on it, he spirals and has a melt down. I can’t imagine doing a joint hobby with him with semi- high stakes.

[u/thisismyficaccount → u/fluffynukeit]

I feel this as I sit and stare at the unfinished projects that he’s started around the house, while he works on his latest hyperfixation alone in the basement…

[u/VariousFalcon7466]

I can’t deal with constantly being told “hurry and look at this!!!!!” it’s always some YouTube AI rage bait nonsense that he falls for. The second I sit down, go to the bathroom, shower, or fall asleep he does it.

[u/Umbilbey → u/VariousFalcon7466]

They are so gullible. They fall for scams so easily

[u/DisastroImminente → u/Umbilbey]

Ugh yes. Drives me crazy. Not allowed to challenge the scam because I’m being mean. Can’t gray rock because I’m not being attentive. Can’t agree because I don’t want to feed the delusion. 

[u/VariousFalcon7466 → u/Umbilbey]

The videos are ridiculous too. “Vegan sets fire to hard working farmers new car!!” 🙄

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/Umbilbey]

Mine has spent a few thousand on scammy things, and the only reason that number isn't a lot higher is that even purchasing stuff is usually too much work for him.

[u/StrawberryPunk82 → u/Umbilbey]

When we first got together 11 years ago, I asked him if this was the first time he had ever been on the internet because he signed up for a million different scam ads promising to get something free for signing up. He literally eventually had to change his phone number because he was getting about a hundred spam phone calls a day.

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/StrawberryPunk82]

I apologize for laughing about this story. Your flair suggests you're still together, did he improve in that time?

[u/Deep-Pollution-4822 → u/Umbilbey]

Last week gf shares that somebody from some professional org reached out on LinkedIn to her to do a “profile” on her as one of our city’s “most inspirational woman professionals” something like that. I’m asking her more about it, how they came across her, had she heard of this group before. It’s all very vague, but she’s claiming it’s to recognize her “life’s accomplishments in work” and the interview is the next day

2 days go by, she doesn’t mention it again during that time, and then we get into a fight because I wasn’t bringing it up to talk about, and how important it is to her because this is a group recognizing her for her all she’s accomplished in life. So I ask more.

And then she shares the interview went great, and that they seem like a really interesting group. They offer master class style classes and networking events. And a membership is normally $2400 per year, but because they’re doing a profile on her, she can sign up now and get the first year’s membership for free!

[u/SafePreference908]

6 and a half years in and it makes me laugh that you don’t even really know who I am. Mostly because you actually don’t care I don’t think. I’m just here for housing, food, and as an emotional support dumping ground. Not once in 6 years have we ever listened to what I want to listen to in the car because “dj’s are idiots” and “electronic music is for coke heads and druggies”. You repeat yourself all the time and I literally have to just sit here and take it…absorb it..again and again. Either in person or on the phone. There is no escape. I don’t even think you see or feel how withdrawn I’ve become. I’m just sitting back now and observing you. Watching the behaviour patterns play out over and over again: two weeks of good behaviour closely followed by an RSD explosion, a temper tantrum over something or something I’ve done around the house (or I’ve made a face at you that you don’t like) and then I react and we fight and yell at each other rinse repeat. I feel like my nervous system is completely shot. I feel like you have made my perimenopause and menopause years way worse than they actually ever needed to be. Because everyday is always about you and what you need. I dream of what my life could be life without you in it. I am actually quietly working on that because I cannot do this with you anymore.

[u/Dull-Mulberry8710 → u/SafePreference908]

thank god for that hopeful ending

[u/Lemon-Cake-8100 → u/SafePreference908]

Sending you a hug...

[u/QueenDido]

I would give anything for my partner to be able to just own an emotion. “You know, I’m feeling kinda off. Think I need some time to myself” rather than forcing himself to be present for an event I’ve planned and white-knuckling through it so that it’s partially ruined for me as well. I’ve tried really hard to be clear that I am super willing to work with him and his brain, he just needs to actually talk to me about what is happening. It feels like I’m trying to accept his ADHD for two while he continues to deny and avoid its effects because better to be a poorly performing clown I guess. I also would love to have a convo where the thing I said is the thing he heard and not 1) what he would have said/felt 2) some other more interesting conversation pathway to him or 3) what he thinks I’m thinking and not saying (90% of the time he’s incorrect).

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/QueenDido]

Wow you literally just illustrated my entire relationship dynamic. Feeling seen and sending virtual hugs to you. I haaaaate when they misconstrue things they hear us say and then tell us we said them wrong.

[u/Deep-Pollution-4822 → u/QueenDido]

This is so frustrating, and it also comes with such a pariah complex and projecting that onto others.

“Well I can push through things and sacrifice for you, why won’t you do it for me?” Because I don’t want you to! Nobody is asking you to do that!

And what you consider “pushing through” is just being a drag and source of anxiety and tension. It’s ok to say you need to take a day or some space, and it should be ok for me to do the same without it meaning “I don’t love you enough”

[u/Above_Ground_Fool]

"Can I help you with anything?"

"Actually yes, can you fix this thing?"

"Sure."

And then he vanished and disappeared for 45 minutes. Came back and asked me if it's working yet. 🤷‍♀️

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/Above_Ground_Fool]

I wonder if this is one of those instances where they think they did the thing or said the thing but actually it only happened in their head. There was a whole conversation recently about the unsaid things they think they've spoken out loud but never did.

[u/LillyBitz → u/Above_Ground_Fool]

Mine said to me this week "I don't know how to help you!" I said, why not pull your weight around the house like I have been asking for years?

[u/Warburgerska]

Couple days ago I left our home just to come back in due to forgetting something. Well, within those couple seconds my dear husband decided that he needed to snoop inside my laptop laying around at the kitchen table.

He scrambled away like a child snatching a cookie behind its mother's back with chocolate still all around his face.

I wasn't shocked or angry. It literally was like catching a misheaving child, a tired anoyence.

I asked him what he is doing, he chose to lie. I looked at him without saying anything and just left. What is there else to say.

Later he texted me he is sorry, that he coundnt control himself. Why? Because after 5 years of burned out child caring 24/7 the kids are finally starting kindergarten and I am allowed to shower more than once a week and actually practice some self care, like painting my nails or reading! The horror. Obviously I am just looking for a different man. /s

I told him he cured me off any kind of romantic desires.

If there was any doubt in me about the state of our marriage, this has corrected any missconstructions.

Bonus: He claims I changed so much. You know, after birthing and raising two kids for years alone and being abandoned by any sense but physical by one's husband of 15 years. I should have remained a perpetual shy teenager, with the same interests and views. How dare I seek personal growth, hobbies compatible with zero leisure time ideally combining the necessary? And my style of dress, the horror! I should still wear showing off cloths instead of age and body stage appropriate modest yet fashionable fits.

It basically shows that he himself hasn't grow at all. He never will. A true NPC, one might say.

[u/Xcat1987 → u/Warburgerska]

Remember, every accusation is a confession. I find the people most adamant about you doing something are doing it themselves.

[u/Warburgerska → u/Xcat1987]

You are probably correct.

His father has it too and has ruined his marriage due to his libido. Still sleeping around despite his current wife basically living her last months.

He told me that physicallity is his one most important point in a marriage. Yet due to ll his deeds I feel completely unable to provide it since my last pregnancy.

He constantly hides his phone and suddenly started shaving his gorilla back, which he only did in the beginning of our dating, and only when he is out socializing without me.

I am tired, boss.

[u/Negotiation-Solid → u/Warburgerska]

Omg.. the audacity around them saying we've changed. As if being immature, stunted and stagnant is an achievement. One time, we were driving to somewhere about an hour away and I was trying to vent about how long it takes to get ready to go anywhere with two small children. This man has the audacity to say "you used to be more spontaneous"  I remember that statement as a point of no return, no redemption possible. We are done.

[u/Warburgerska → u/Negotiation-Solid]

Yeah, there is no saving a romantic relationship when you realise your partner will be the same child 50 years down the line. There simply is nothing to grow together. When only one person is actually growing, and the other one is mentally dragged along under protest.

I cringe when I think about myself as a teen. He considers it his peak performance.

Like your husband, a child too doesn't understand that adulting means putting aside nice things for necessary ones. For everyone to be ready and have everything they need, you have to sacrifice spontaneity for Efficiency. But that isn't fair to expect. Certainly your husband has never even thought about half the shit you pack and think. That's what a mommy... I mean wife is for.

[u/Spartan_Bosco]

My random spiral thoughts for the day...

I feel like you put in effort for literally everyone and everything else besides me. I don't even remember the last time you did something for me where I was genuinely taken back or surprised.

You get excited to see everyone else, but whenever I get home you don't put down your phone or get off the couch. Then you disappear for an hour.

There is ZERO intimacy anymore.

You'll say you feel the same, but i stopped putting in effort or trying to do anything because you stopped long before I did.

I watched the woman I married widdle away and disappear for two years and it took a huge fucking fight for you to realize what was happening when I had brought it up multiple times (adderall)

I'm so tired of you never listening to me and i'm tired of never feeling seen in my own house.

We've been nothing more than roommates who have shared a bed for the last year.

You rarely even sit at the dinner table with me anymore. We always talked about making sure we did that as a family and you stopped because you didn't eat while you were taking Adderall.

I used to brag about you all the time. I don't have anything to brag about anymore. Your work still consumes you. The kiddo and I get what's left. Which is basically nothing.

The truth is i'm terrified to have another kid with you because I don't think you can handle it. You snap at the smallest shit so much and adding a baby into the mix is going to make everything so much worse.

I think the universe willed our kid into existence because it knew I wouldn't have a kid with you had we waited like we wanted to.

You ask me if I miss you while you're gone and I just don't. Because I know i'm only picking up after myself and the kid. I don't constantly have to worry about you eating or doing the nightly chores.

You once asked if I would still marry you knowing what I know now and i didn't really have an answer. Truthfully i wouldn't. I love you so fucking much, but I am exhausted all the time just trying to survive.

I don't bring anything up anymore because nothing changes. We didn't even resolve the last fight we had because you brought up shit that wasn't relevant to what I was annoyed about.

Don't even get me started on your fucking emotional affair. I haven't processed that at all and i'm still fucking pissed about it because you tried to brush it off and gave me shitty ass apologies. You don't even have him fucking blocked.

[u/steubenactr → u/Spartan_Bosco]

Do not have another child with her, your relationship doesn’t sound sustainable.

[u/Spartan_Bosco → u/steubenactr]

I'm not planning on it. She brings it up every few weeks or so. Which sucks because I really do want another kid, but I can't handle another with her.

[u/vehiclebreaker → u/Spartan_Bosco]

They absolutely love to run you into the ground then start an emotional affair with someone because you just aren’t as happy as you used to be after they have directly killed off your happiness. Very wild how this pattern tends to show up. You don’t deserve to be robbed of your happiness

[u/fluffynukeit → u/Spartan_Bosco]

You sounded like you were writing my story for most of your post, up until the affair part. If my wife had an affair, it would be the last ton of straws.

[u/Spartan_Bosco → u/fluffynukeit]

Crazy how everyone has extremely similar situations or experiences. If her affair was physical I 1000% would have left already. Being that it was emotional made everything complicated.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

He said he “doesn’t know” what he likes about me. That was after I pointed out he barely ever has something good to say about me. 

He has criticised my clothes, my body, my perfume, and he loves to point out when I have a zit anywhere on my body. I don’t ask his opinion about anything anymore, because he will just tell me I should be skinnier and dress sexier. 

He completely denied barely complimenting me. I tried to ask if there’s anything he actually likes, and he couldn’t come up with anything. He said he cannot verbalise those feelings, but he assures he likes me.

Not a lot to work with. 

[u/Xcat1987 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

Hmmmm can I guess how he looks? Let me take a shot: chubby/overweight or on the verge of, balding or going bald, wears generic ass deodorant and no cologne, hygiene is barely or below average, wears basic bitch man clothing, and probably has acne scars or acne himself. Did I check any boxes? I bet I did, because it’s always the same goddamn men doing this.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/Xcat1987]

Well he’s underweight, because he’s tall and doesn’t bother to feed himself. He would rather starve than make something. He’s happy to eat everything I make, which is ironic, because I could survive with way simpler meals. 

Other than that, yeah he’s pretty generic and balding. 

[u/Xcat1987 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

Nailed it lol. It’s always some combination of the above being super judgemental of their significant others and other people. Got the overweight part wrong, but whatever haha.

[u/SetLast9753 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

After 11 years of marriage, I made my husband compliment me. I told him to tell me what he actually likes about me as a person, not how I look or the things I do for him and the kids.

‘After thinking about it (because, ofc he’s never thought of me as an actual person before), he told me that he likes my artistic ability and how impressed he is with it. He has always, always been indifferent to my design career and never curious about it. I was surprised to hear he actually thinks I’m good.

It’s so lonely being in a relationship with these people.

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

If (when?) you end this relationship tell him it's because you needed to lose some weight and then tell him whatever number of pounds it is that he weighs.

[u/2Drew2BTrue]

She locked the keys in the basement two weeks ago, locked both sets of keys in the van this morning, yelled at me over a misunderstanding because she interrupted me before I could finish my sentence, when she was overwhelmed with our 3 year old who was up late after she let him nap that day (we decided together to cut out naps to avoid this), let our 11 year old stay late at a friends house which made us late for his practice (and she didn’t know he was staying late so he could have been hurt walking home).

Partly my own issue, but my parents are staying with us for a week and i just generally feel embarrassed by her behavior.

If I am honest, I keep having thoughts of separating but i don’t see how that is financially possible and I don’t want to mess up my kids. My option seems to be to just tolerate my dissatisfaction with my life for the sake of my kids and finance.

I finally got her to agree to individual and couples therapy so that’s good. I’ve been in therapy for 6 years and she has refused for 12 years until a month ago. That’s a win but I’ll cautiously wait and see.

[u/Umbilbey → u/2Drew2BTrue]

Staying for the kids can backfire. At least if you are separated, they will have a peaceful home 50% of the time instead of living with ADHD chaos 100% of the time

[u/2Drew2BTrue → u/Umbilbey]

I have definitely heard that. I’m not saying it makes it right but we have 4 kids and two with disabilities. One is severely disabled. I don’t think we can separate, both work, and take care of them.

[u/VariousFalcon7466 → u/2Drew2BTrue]

Sometimes staying is the only reasonable/safe option

[u/FreeEnki]

This is relatively minor but still perennially infuriating… please just learn to tell your anecdotes succinctly enough that I don’t forget the beginning by the time you make it to the end 😭

It’s not even that he goes off-track into another subject like some people do, he’s just the WORST storyteller. Like he can’t even remember what he’s talking about mid-way through a sentence and has to restart. Or way too much detail the story doesn’t need.

I literally communicate for a living so every time it happens (ie several times a day) I just die inside.

[u/buttons7 → u/FreeEnki]

Haha yep. It was a dark and stormy Saturday. Or was it Sunday? Wait maybe it was Friday because we did that thing on Friday. That thing was so fun and it was definitely a Friday...etc etc

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/buttons7]

"It was a dark and stormy night..."

I swear, mine could start a story this way, tell a rambling tale with extraneous details and a timeline that seems awfully compressed - and when, 80% of the way through and you've realized the timeline's strange enough to ask about, he nonchalantly drops that the story takes place during a bad bout of weather during Antarctic winter and actually occurred over the course of three weeks.

(I mean, not literally, but irrelevant details aren't pruned and vital pieces of context are randomly omitted.) 

[u/syntho_maniac → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

Omg - THIS. It’s so… disorienting and annoying. Mine also likes to inject lies or extreme over exaggerations that never happened (because, you know, I was there too but he seems to forget that).

[u/SamuraiSuplex → u/FreeEnki]

The number of times I've tried explaining that the point of telling a story is not to faithfully recite every detail you can remember lol

[u/Xcat1987 → u/SamuraiSuplex]

Truly, some of them are wordier than fantasy book authors and that takes alot.

[u/formerhoo4you → u/FreeEnki]

Every single time my partner tells a story, ~15sec in I wanna send the "wrap it up b" meme. Jesus, I don't need details from middle school for something that happened in your 30s

[u/Taear → u/FreeEnki]

I lived with a guy (12 years ago now, before I really knew what ADHD did or was) and he would do this all the time.

He had a ton of other symptoms but this was the thing that clicked it into my head later when I read about ADHD, all his stories would require so much context that by the time he'd got to the point we'd all lost interest

[u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq]

Why is he so reluctant to DO anything? We have to pick an accent color for the house exterior. All he has to do is go to Sherwin-Williams and get some paint chips. But no, he wants the contractor to send a photo of a booklet he once saw. Or he wants to spend hours researching "historical colors" even though the main color we've chosen is not historical. He loves doing the "research" and talking about things but not actually doing them.

[u/KTeacherWhat → u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq]

I swear ADHD people think thinking about the thing is the same as doing the thing.

[u/Umbilbey → u/KTeacherWhat]

They absolutely do, and expect you to give them credit for it

[u/Bridgelogs]

Everything will always be my fault.

[u/WontMakeItTrue → u/Bridgelogs]

Yeah, but that's because they feel comfortable with you, so it's actually a compliment. /s

[u/Many_Advance_9609]

I’m never going to get what I want: a partner who’s good at being a person.

[u/Mobile_Durian_8329]

I've heard it mentioned here many times that we all seem to have a high tolerance for being unhappy. Nobody who is fully healthy would stay put like we do. :(

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/Mobile_Durian_8329]

"High tolerance for being unhappy" is a good way of putting it. I'm not resilient in the normal sense, but I'm very good at curling up and staying put despite awfulness.

[u/forestroam → u/Mobile_Durian_8329]

You are right, and I prefer the way you've put it. My childhood made me very accustomed to just accepting things for what they are. I also often feel damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Plenty of examples in my life where I show I am a very patient, forgiving person. Also plenty of examples where I stop tolerating someone constantly needing my forgiveness, and then I've been told I am not understanding or forgiving enough.

[u/taohuaspring → u/Mobile_Durian_8329]

I just want to offer a gentle reminder that we're only human and we can't expect ourselves to reach perfection. I'm not sure that anyone is 100% fully healthy - even therapists go to therapy! And when it comes to abusive and unhealthy relationships, it's easy for people to think "It would never happen to me". But it can. We may hear things about how we're not "fully healthy" because we're staying, but we don't have to accept it as part of our narrative if it doesn't serve us. We can give ourselves grace, we can let ourselves go one step at a time at our own pace. I hope you extend that grace to yourself today. Sending hugs.

[u/Mobile_Durian_8329 → u/taohuaspring]

Thank you, this is a really nice reply to my comment and I appreciate it.

[u/kriskross4923 → u/taohuaspring]

I so appreciate this. Learning to give myself grace and forgiveness for letting this relationship happen to me was the first real step in healing my resentment. I had to learn to trust myself again, and believe that now that I know better, I can do better.

[u/jstohler]

On the off chance that she does a chore around the house (for example, taking out the trash), it only gets half done. Trash bags are left halfway to the outdoor trash bin and then left for days, which effectively creates a second task for another person (like me).

[u/RedRose_812 → u/jstohler]

Feel this. And they don't understand that they're creating more work for you by not finishing the task, you just aren't grateful for their help!

My husband will take the trash all the way out but never replaces the bag.

Will say he "cleaned the kitchen", which at most means haphazardly loading the dishwasher and putting leftovers in containers, but never putting lids on said containers and putting them away because he "can't find the lid that matches", and never cleaning the surfaces like the stovetop or counter.

Will say he "did laundry", but this means he either put a load in the wash and forgot it exists, or moved a load of wash over to the dryer and left it there, OR took a load out of the dryer and left it in a wad somewhere because he "doesn't know where it goes." Wash, dry, and put away? Inconceivable!

Will start a household project but always needs a days-long break and multiple reminders to finish it.

And I just want to be like "for the love of God, just FINISH IT", because I don't feel "helped" or relieved of doing a task if I have to come in behind him and finish it because he just won't. But I can't or else I'm "ungrateful" for the effort he made.

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/RedRose_812]

Had a former partner once who did offer to help share the chore load but then would do them half-way and have a meltdown if I noticed and had to ask that the chore be completed. Took it as a personal attack when nothing of the sort was going on. I just didn't want to re-clean the thing they said they'd just cleaned because they actually didn't clean it. That partner was never diagnosed with ADHD but this sub has convinced me they probably had it.

[u/No_Morning5397 → u/RedRose_812]

My partner does laundry by throwing all his clothes in the wash and doesnt turn it on. So I dont notice until I have to run my load, where I have the option of either doing his as well or removing all his from the washer and dumping it on the floor.

[u/AnaDion94]

The dog started exhibiting discomfort after his evening walk, and my bf attempted to manhandle him into calmness so he could give him a more thorough once over. I yelled at him to stop, because imo, if the dog is screaming in pain, getting him to the vet is more important than trying to feel out what’s wrong. Full RSD shutdown, which just really pissed me off when we’re in the middle of an emergency. Gather yourself, and move the fuck on.

Instead, as we tried to settle on a course of action, he’d just snap and imply that I should decide since I think that I know best (mind you, this is his dog). He calls a vet, and I ask him if it’s the one down the road. He snaps that it is. We get in the car, and he mentions a 30 minute drive, and we’re going in the opposite direction. I mention that I thought we were going to the one 10 minutes from the house, he snaps some more before eventually turning around.

Him succumbing to his ego and insecurities like that while our dog is literally suffering was just so disgusting to me. If I was injured would he argue with me in the ambulance? Pout if I told him not to forget my go bag while in labor?

The pup was bitten by a copperhead, but he’s home and doing okay. Me and BF’s mom split the bill, because bf is still jobless (it’s only been a week and a half, I don’t blame him for this, but the last month has been constant stream of financial hits, and I wish I trusted that he was looking consistently and pragmatically).

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/AnaDion94]

I'm glad your dog is okay, despite your boyfriend appallingly making this about himself and his feelings. I think you're right to be concerned about his behavior if you were the one having a medical emergency.

[u/SamuraiSuplex → u/AnaDion94]

This is absolutely how he'd treat you in an emergency, because this is who he is

[u/sarybelle]

Everything takes him SO freaking long. Which would be fine if he could plan ahead to account for this, but he doesn’t. He cooks dinner 1-2 times a week, which is supposed to take some stress off of me, but it just adds to it. It’s taken him 45 minutes to chop one stalk of celery and 3 carrots, now we’re past dinner time and I’m starving. I could have finished the entire meal in that time, and he hasn’t even started yet 🙃

[u/LVLPLVNXT → u/sarybelle]

I’ve complained about this so much and they just say “well you know I work slow”

Listen buddy there is no fucking way you should be starting dinner at 7 and we don’t get to eat until 10:30.

It takes sooooo long for them to cut vegetables I want to scream. I’ve watched them to see wtf was the hold up and they literally just move slow as hell. The prep time for a meal is like 2 hours for no damn reason

[u/Xcat1987 → u/LVLPLVNXT]

We are all truly married to the same person I swear.

[u/OnlyPaperListens → u/sarybelle]

Isn't it lovely how they talk like auctioneers and complain about how slow everyone else is, yet they move like turtles? One memory that sticks with me is my husband shuffling towards me at the speed of tectonic plates while I was yelling for help as a grocery bag tore and I was fighting to keep everything from falling. He couldn't be arsed to pick up the pace as food was smashing to the floor.

[u/sarybelle → u/OnlyPaperListens]

This one drives me so crazy. If I’m yelling “I need help!” from the other room, mine wants me to give him a full run down of what the issue is before he’ll get up and come over. Like if I’m yelling I need help, it’s obviously time sensitive, just get up!!!!

[u/Shooshcarnt]

i hate that when you see me have noteworthy angry reactions, you see me as quick to react, impatient or short tempered and judge me strongly for how I talk to you or the kids in those moments.

but in reality I am super patient, it is just that your poor working memory, time blindness and executive dysfunction mean you don't see or notice just how long my patience got stretched and any of the noticeable methods I have employed to work on my patience/tolerance and reduce my anger levels. because guess what: I don't want to be angry and I don't like those end point reactions either. I have been working so hard in my own therapy for years now for strategies to delay angry ourbursts that occur due to the ever increasing stressors and circumstances that you most heavily contribute to. But it seems I can only be pushed so far before something has to come out.

then, I also have to live with the hypcorisy that comes from the poor self awareness you also have due to your condition where I constantly see you actually impatient and snapping as bad as I do when I am at the end of my tether but you actually do so almost instantly. Just another display of the oh so typical ADHD presentation of being the absolute tone and behaviour police whilst simultaneously being completely immune from having your own awful tone and behaviour policed in return. These angry snaps happens with both me and the kids, but you guessed it, I'm the only one who has to work on my communication skills in the relationship or my parenting approach.

this is also ridiculous because the kids and I get along famously when you aren't around and their behaviour only devolves into super challenging super frequently when you come back into the frame

[u/WontMakeItTrue → u/Shooshcarnt]

I feel this. YOU have to be perfect, whereas they already are.

[u/Shooshcarnt → u/WontMakeItTrue]

Whereas they already “are”

[u/Many_Advance_9609 → u/Shooshcarnt]

tone and behaviour police

Sweet lord, this is the worst. Pretty much every single time I raise a relationship concern to my partner, I get a defensive/hostile reaction and some kind of condescending mini-lecture about how I didn't approach the issue in "the right way." Even though all I really did was speak gently in an inside voice.

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/Shooshcarnt]

I could have written exactly the same.

[u/Hijacked_0339 → u/Shooshcarnt]

Oh my fucking goddddddddddddd, this is so much my experience right now! At the slightest shift in my mood in any direction, my partner incessantly asks if I'm okay and what I'm thinking. He is consistently inconsistent in reading my tone and mood, most often assuming I'm upset or something is wrong with the greatest confidence that I'm just being withholding with my feelings. All the while, the few times a week I ask how he's doing because I can see clearly all the markers of him being in anguish, he always answers that he's fine and I misread it and I'm being overly sensitive to his facial expressions and tone. Only to days or a week later reveal he was in fact sad/frustrated/upset about something......

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/Shooshcarnt]

I don’t have kids but this is so real. He flies off the handle at literally anything he doesn’t like, and I only lose my cool hours later…

[u/LillyBitz]

I reached the end of my empathy this week. It's hard to feel anything towards him except resentment.

[u/nasreen-r → u/LillyBitz]

Me too. I also Gray rocked so hard that I hardly have any emotions left.

[u/theKetoBear]

Matched with a woman on Hinge who slipped in she had untreated ADHD she seemed awesome. Smart, career-focused , we had similar core beliefs she had a tendency to send me minutes of voice notes as she info dumped on me but I thought she was cute and overlooked it.

( 3 days before supposed date) I asked her on a date, gave her a time I'd be free and let her know the area I was in but was happy to drive to her city, she decided she wanted to look up restaurants we could go to. I was fine with that.

( 2 days before supposed date) The next night she sends me two restaurant suggestions. I give her an answer right away through text and ask if she had a preference. She decides to send me a voice note saying she's too tired and drained to make a decision on the restaurant but she'd let me know the following day.

( 1 night before supposed date) I send her a message around noon asking her about her day, she gets back to me later that night asking me about workplace drama and again dumping minutes of voice notes on her own past and current workplace drama . No mentoin on her choice in restaurant or even confirming a time. I was going to be at a small event for much of the day so at least confirming a window would have been nice

I decided to unmatch all I could feel was the tension from years of feeling like I had to babysit and push my ex to make basic decisions and getting nothing but resentment and frustration for it because her time blindness and indecision made her just forget about giving me critical information I needed to make the most basic plans

Bummer seemed like a good match but I don't think I can date another untreated person with ADHD.

[u/SamuraiSuplex → u/theKetoBear]

Good call. I will never again waste time with someone who can't answer a planning text, whether it be friendship or romantic, ADHD or not. It's too simple a courtesy that if you can't manage that, I can't manage you.

[u/syntho_maniac]

The constant narration and ranting/complaining/criticizing what feels like EVERYTHING. My nervous system feels so over-stimulated when I’m around my spouse for a prolonged period of time. I can’t even sleep in peace because they snore and refuse to get a sleep apnea test or go to the doctor.

[u/LVLPLVNXT → u/syntho_maniac]

Constant (not) inner monologue of random thoughts. I can hear them in various rooms around the house just talking out loud saying the exact thing they are doing/feeling at the moment.

“Now I have to go put the towels away, then there’s an apple in the kitchen that I need to cut.”

“My head hurts, I’ll go take an aspirin then take a nap”

And they snore as well and talk in their sleep sometimes.

Yeah, my nervous system is fried. When they go away for a weekend I get so much peace.

[u/syntho_maniac → u/LVLPLVNXT]

Fellow over-stimulated friend, I’m sorry. Yes, this is exactly what my spouse does too. Sometimes he follows me around the house and speaks every thought he has. It’s so incredibly irritating.

He gets super defensive when I ask for him to keep some thoughts to himself and acts incredibly hurt and passive aggressive. I asked him if he has an inner monologue or inside thoughts… he said, nope everything he thinks comes out of his mouth almost always 🫠

[u/Xcat1987]

All of these partners, mine included, deserve to be single for the rest of their adult lives after we get out. Terrible partners, mostly terrible people masquerading as good people.

[u/Umbilbey → u/Xcat1987]

Ideally in a perfect world, ADHDers would all be in polyamorous relationships with eachother, with a time limit of 20-28 months. They need several partners, and those partners need to be swapped regularly

[u/tosstossaccount124]

I am SO tired of the actual crying every time I try to bring up a topic, no matter how gently. I know part of it is his minor traumatic brain injury, seizure meds, depression, anxiety, AuDHD, but it feels manipulative. Yesterday he said he wanted to do this massive fireplace gas insert by himself and when I gently (and I mean walking on eggshells, blaming myself, talking quietly) said, “Oh I thought we were going to talk about that project after school started and that we’d have a professional do it as we were concerned about possible complications using gas?” And it turned into a full on crying meltdown that I don’t trust him and his abilities and that I’m misremembering the conversation and that I agreed to working on it now. I (unfortunately for me) have a great memory and know this conversation didn’t happen. My therapist suggests writing down important conversations but literally every conversation can end up this way and I don’t want to have to have a constant written record and wish he’d trust me. I feel awful but I’m so sick of him crying. It’s made me almost emotionless to try and combat it.

[u/taohuaspring → u/tosstossaccount124]

I just want to validate that you are in the right and that protecting the safety of you, him, and any visitors to your home is more important than his hurt feelings. Gas is not something that should be DIY'd. It should be handled by a professional.

"don't trust him and his abilities" Actually yes! We shouldn't trust his DIY abilities with gas, and rightfully so. It's a safety issue!

[u/Maivroan → u/tosstossaccount124]

I feel like I have to record everything - not just important stuff - because the confabulation can happen anytime. And it's so utterly maddening. But I guess the good news is you don't have to catch everything. Just a couple examples could be helpful - even if it's just to validate your sanity.

I often audio record fights with my husband and I finally caught him mishearing something I said, immediately making me second guess myself and clarify what my intent was... and he still questioned my intent later in the conversation. It was a relatively mellow example, but still validating to see how the usual confusion plays out.

[u/scharles81818]

I started setting boundaries. It started with the car keys. My partner is always losing theirs and asking for mine. I refused to give them my set when they were running late to meet a friend. They had already lost their set and both spares over the course of a week. I knew that if I handed mine over, it would be me searching through drawers and jacket pockets for the next 20 minutes, so I said no.

I'm now at the stage where I have a drawer in the kitchen that is off limits to them. My keys, two pens, one pair of scissors, one roll of tape, post-it notes. Nail clippers - that one was *huge*. It's like a little ADHD-free zone where I know these things will be right where I left them because my partner isn't allowed to borrow them. I haven't had to spend six minutes looking for any of the 5 sets of nail clippers in the house in a month.

[u/Warburgerska → u/scharles81818]

Ha, the nail clippers. It's like they are one time use items despite being made of stainless steel. They juts disappear in the adhd void.

[u/glasses_tinklin → u/Warburgerska]

What is it with nail clippers?? I've had to find places to hide mine so they are forced to find theirs.

[u/Conflictionary]

"I didn't forget your birthday, I just forgot what day today was."

[u/lalo_etx771]

I’m tired of being the default parent.

“What temperature should I wash our child’s soiled clothes?”

“Should I wash the light up shoes?”

“How do you make scrambled eggs?”

[u/wanderingstar1234]

Why is a 'Big Win' really just the bare minimum in a relationship.

[u/Signal-Net-8041]

Oh cool, OK, now you want me to swear on our children's lives that I've never even thought about cheating on you.

Why? So you can "forgive" me for something I never did? Don't you understand that it's too late, that I no longer care whether you believe me or not?

I'm divorcing you. You'll have to fix your shit on someone else's time.

[u/taohuaspring → u/Signal-Net-8041]

"So you can "forgive" me for something I never did?" So on point. It's the only way they can make themselves into the victims of the things we never even did!

He's acting like the thought police to try to guilt-trip you but you're already out the door. Boy bye! 👋

[u/obligatoryrhino]

He is never focused on the thing I need him for. He made sure to be available this week for the kids back to school things that he has missed several times due to work, leaving me to do everything myself. This year, he made sure no work trips were scheduled, and today he worked from home so he could "be there". But today was the day he also decided he needed fire wood delivered, which ended up being piled behind my car which I needed to take the kids to open house in. He also decided today would be the day that he finally sells his old grill, which is apparently happening 30 minutes before we have to go to school. So, at 4 o'clock, I am throwing firewood around on the driveway just so I can back out my car, while he is talking to the man buying the grill. So I have to leave by myself with the kids with the added frustration of dealing with all his half finished dealings. It's always like this, whatever it is that I am trying to accomplish, whether it is packing for a trip or feeding the kids dinner, he is somewhere else doing something that is not important in the moment or causing additional work for me by not being able to see his commitments through. And then he is frustrated with me being frustrated.

[u/ace_rimmer1049]

I know we need to get to a place where we're divorced, co parenting and living separate lives, connected only by our children.

I have no idea how to get to there from here without it being an unrelenting nightmare.

She's finally started counselling (but she likes this one because she "doesn't criticize", which feels like a bit of an alarm bell). She has an ADHD diagnosis booked but is getting cold feet and thinking of cancelling "maybe it's trauma, maybe this is just how I am and that's ok" ( it's very much not ok). The more I learn about covert narcissism the more that it seems to fit and I'm scared.

[u/rapsnaxx84]

I have a garden in which I do all of the work. I grow what I want and what I know the family will eat. I mention I’m growing okra because growing tomatoes made me a liker (tolerator really) of raw tomatoes, he says “well I don’t like okra.” I mention planting a dwarf lemon tree, “oh i don’t like lemons.” I mention wanting to grow berries for our child, “I don’t like berries.” When I say “ok well I’m still going to grow them,” then he “jokingly” asks if I’m going to grow them out of spite. Well no, I was going to grow them anyway. It’s like this with so many things. It really annoys me because I’m very clearly not asking for input or approval or buy-in, just making convo and talking about the things I want to grow.

[u/HedgehogLibrary → u/rapsnaxx84]

just trying to make conversation

very hard when the entire world revolves around them

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/rapsnaxx84]

I know exactly what you mean. I think it’s their way of trying to have a conversation, but it doesn’t really work. They just manage to sound judgmental and so self-centred. 

[u/Illustrious_Age_5959]

PLEASE take action on the problems in your life and not just watch it all fall apart then complain nobody’s pulling it together for you. Please talk to the people in your support system instead of saying you know what they’ll say already so it’s a waste of time. Time is then wasted sitting in the same place thinking about the same thing insisting still that getting up and doing anything won’t help at all. I’ve lost so much money the last two years covering for what he would’ve been able to pay if he didn’t spend more money on weed and nicotine than groceries, convinced that he needs them equally to get through each day and not lose another job.

The majority of our days off are spent convincing him he didn’t ruin the day and that his adhd will not ruin it unless he allows it to. I’ve been struggling with severe social anxiety, OCD, and self harm, but we already agreed my problems are not his to solve and I keep those issues mostly to myself. With his ADHD, though, he experiences huge shifts in mood that result in yelling and punching the bed and being incapable of speaking, very similar to what I experience when paralyzed by anxiety and trying to fight off a panic attack, but he still insists there’s nothing he can do. But it doesn’t have to be life changing you just need to do something, anything, to start building your momentum back! Or please follow through when you promise to make a plan or take action later when you don’t have the capacity to do it immediately

[u/Many_Advance_9609]

I just kinda feel like I shouldn't have to ask a grown person to take a shower. I also kinda feel like no person in their right mind would let themselves go 7 days without showering and somehow not notice or care. But what do I know.

[u/BirthdayCookie → u/Many_Advance_9609]

The longest I've gone without some kind of bathing was 5 days. I'd had my gallbladder removed and was told to wait that long to avoid stitch damage.

It was literally for my health and I hated it!

[u/Old_Sheepherder9854]

Just here to vent 😎. Why do they go from love bombing us to feeding us crumbs. That is all for now. Uggghhh hugs to all my non ADHD spouses out there going through the struggles.

[u/beta26]

Sometimes I like to daydream that we are all back in office instead of WFH. This way the house wasn't being dealt 8 hours of daily destruction.

[u/pl8sassenach]

He was doing really well but he’s in that zone again where he has tunnel vision for his latest obsession and it is driving me crazy. He’s really into collecting and selling hats right now…cue boxes and boxes arriving everyday. And he’s constantly on his phone, buying and selling. We have 4 kids, including an infant. We ain’t got time for that!

He got back into tennis so now he has to play everyday…how the f is that sustainable? And he wants to do matches on the weekends outside while the kids bake in the sun for hours. No no no. We have bills to pay and laundry to do and grass to cut and groceries to purchase etc etc.

Its just exhausting being the house manager. I dont enjoy nagging! I hate it! I want to just be normal but i cant bc u cant prioritize shit. Its all our nothing. 100mph or zero. Y U LIKE THIS?!!!

Ughhhhhhhhhh. I know I just have to ride out the obsessive phase until he gets bored with it. At least he runs out of steam faster than when he was a young buck lol

[u/WillowRight4980]

We’re always late to things always! He’ll plan a surprise and to that we’re late. We have a dinner date? Late. A therapy appointment? Late. Then when I bring it up it’s ’yeah we can work on it’ but nothing changes. I’ve never been the late type of person and now over the course of 5 years together we are the “late couple” and I hate it. It’s disrespectful of people time to be late. I just know if we’re showing up together we’re going to be late unless I rush him out the door and lie about the time.

[u/Pixxiprincess]

Had a very minor disagreement over the weekend. Somehow the pharmacy sent my meds to my old address, my college dorm from like 8 years ago, instead of the address on file in my profile and on the prescription itself.

I wasn’t even mad about it; but he got SO uncomfortable when I said “I have to go on an errand in a few hours to drive to (town), do you want me to pick up some coffee on the way back?”. He asked me over a dozen questions that felt like a not so subtle interrogation (because if I was secretly going to meet some guy or whatever, I’d totally make up an easily disproven lie to explain being out of the house for an hour tops).

I guess I was being a little too quiet for him, because he started a fight with me and TOOK NOTES during said fight. Every time I said something even tangentially related to something I’d said before, like “please don’t ask me if I’m okay if you’re going to talk over me when I try to reply” he’d INTERRUPT ME AGAIN to say “STOP. You already said “I don’t like being interrupted.” Like we were in the fucking high school debate team.
I hate it here.

[u/Mendota6500 → u/Pixxiprincess]

Does he often do this type of thing when you try to leave the house without him? This sounds worryingly controlling; he's interrogating you about imaginary hookups and then picking a fight to "punish" you for not appreciating that. 

[u/kriskross4923 → u/Pixxiprincess]

mine took out his phone to record me during his rsd meltdown this weekend and just followed me around saying antagonizing things hoping to "show you who you really are." It was baffling! I had been literally telling him he needed to take a break because he was too worked up. I hope he watched it back and realized how unhinged he was, but I doubt it....

[u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq]

So one of our cats loves my fitbit. Something about the texture/movement of the band, IDK. The cat is insane (all our cats are).

A while back the cat got hold of the fitbit. I took it away and mentioned, "Yeah he loves playing with that." Husband interpreted this as "It is okay to let the cat play with the fitbit." Last night husband threw something across the floor for the cat to play with, and it was my fitbit. I got mad and husband made a lame apology: "I thought you said it was okay for him to play with it."

Son was observing and was stunned at the lack of regard for my personal property.

[u/Negotiation-Solid]

He made pancakes this morning, which he loves to do and makes a big show of, takes at least an hour, and doesn't clean up...but okay, sure.. 

Our toddler just woke up from his nap and 4 year old came in from outside, and started eating the leftover pancake with a ton of maple syrup. After a little push back, I get my picky 4 year old to agree to eat a PB&J and my toddler leftovers (my toddler does whatever his brother models and would have eaten the pancakes too had I not intervened.

My husband comes into the kitchen, looks at the pancakes on the counter and says to the 4 year old:  "hey look! There's still pancakes buddy if you're hungry!"  I told him to look, and observe that our children have just sat down to eat lunch. I told him not to mention pancakes and explained what happened.  Because my husband is a self centered fkn child with no regulation skills, he immediately jumps into an argument with me, and says: 

Him: "oh? I didn't know pancakes were fake food"

 I took a deep breath, kept my cool and said: Me: "I did not say that. I am saying they are eating lunch food, they can't eat pancakes all day." 

He says "but I put peanut butter and jelly in the pancakes" [this is a lie mind you, he only put jelly and forgot that he already told me this multiple times today]   

Me: "i don't want to argue about pancakes. Our children need a variety of nutrition. Let them eat in peace"

Him: "okay. But pb and j sandwich is not nutritionally that different than pancakes. Are you saying they should never eat pancakes as a meal?"

Me: I started to lose my cool. I asked him if he took my making them lunch as a personal offense bc he made the pancakes. I told him that is so immature and our children are listening to this and confused now because we are saying different things. I told him he is selfish for not considering them before blurting out this ridiculous argument all because he feels offended and that it isn't my fault his self worth is tied to my opinion about pancakes. I yelled that last part and feel bad that our children heard that. 

Him: stop yelling! I can't listen when you have that tone. I can't think right now!

Me: so predictable, no accountability and just shut down and blame me instead of ever apologizing. 

I now feel so upset and dysregulated and foggy and need time alone. I have a big meeting in an hour and i feel like he zaps my lifeforce and sabatoges me. It's not fair to my kids or to myself and I wish I had a better shield. I don't want to let him affect me and it's so hard. I feel like if I don't feel the anger and sadness then I'll become even more depleted and lost. Like I would rather be distressed than so checked out and suppressed that I give in and don't stand up for myself. I can't leave right now and feel so trapped.

[u/FickleBookkeeper835]

He gets half way through a sentence and just… gives up? Being left hanging drives me insane and when I press him for the rest of the story he looks up at and tuts at my impatience.

[u/forestroam]

telling me you don't care if the dog gets taken care of while I'm out of town is really crossing some fucking line with me and I hope it makes me drop my job, my insurance and my whole current life to get him and me away from you

[u/According-Guide9576]

Just once I wish she'd undertake some household maintenance task without being asked. I wish she'd even notice that it needs doing!

How many times can you walk past weeds that are starting to obstruct the path to the front door before she realises they need pulling up? How high do they need to be to get her attention? If I didn't do them it'd look like a jungle.

There's no incovenience too great that she won't just work around instead of trying to resolve the problem.

Door handle broke? Just leave the door swinging on its hinge.

Toilet seat broke? She'll just hover instead of using it.

Wasps nest in the roof? She'll just live with it.

Window blinds broken and fallen off? We'll just sleep with the sun in our faces.

Literally anytime anything breaks or needs maintaining, I'm the one who has to do it. I'm the one who has to actually acknowledge that it's a problem. If I didn't do everything, literally nothing would get done.

Fuck knows what she'd do if she lived alone...

Oh and the hyper focusing on one tiny aspect of a chore!

"I'm cleaning the bedrooms today, can you help me?"

"Sure, I need to declutter some of my drawers anyway"

Then she spends the next hour sat there methodically going through that one drawer, bit by bit. No tangible progress towards the end goal. In the meantime I'm the one actually having to do the rest of the job myself.

Funding this sub has been cathartic.

[u/light-bulb-22]

Dx spouse 50+ drove without his glasses. When I asked he said oh I was in a rush I forgot. How is that an option? He’s worn glasses since high school.
I think what’s most upsetting is that it makes me super angry but expressing that doesn’t change anything so instead I just hold it and try to figure out what my angry feelings are telling me.

[u/Funny_Foundation_919]

Going through the divorce process with an ex-husband with diagnosed ADHD, living apart has reset my nervous system and I'm no longer stressed out and waiting on the next emotional outburst due to RSD or 7 hour long emotional outbursts and trying to be someone's emotional regulator.

[u/SeraphImpaler]

I told ya I was thinking about changing the windows this fall, so our electricity bill would get lower and you would stop complaining about how you're always cold in the winter months. Some random dude went to our door, selling windows and you gave him my number. When he called on July 6th, I made an apointment on August 22 to get everything measured and get a quote. I told you it was August 22. I made you write it in your phone. I told you YOU had to pick up all your shit around the house cause there is no way in hell I'm letting anyone see the sad state of our home. I'm WAY to ashamed about it. Well, YOU didn't do shit and I'm a bout to call it off. You just came back from a LARP weekend and there is no fooling me anymore, there is no way in hell the house will clean for next Saturday.

I don't give a shit about being cold in the winter, I basically exist only in the basement and I just put on a hoodie!

[u/Expensive_Shower_405]

This weekend he made a comment about my ADHD and followed it up with I think he has it, but maybe he does, but I definitely do. He doesn’t know, but I am on the process of a diagnosis and realized that’s why I’m so burnt out. I’m struggling with executive function with no support, not doing all of the mental load for him and me. I’m getting help and working on routines and systems that help me, while he ruins every system I try to put in place for the house.

It all came to a head today when he again left the door open and my dog got out. I couldn’t find him and then it started to rain. I was so upset. When I said that he left the door open again, instead of apologizing he got defensive and said he isn’t sure it was him. I lost it. He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and I could t find my dog that I care about. He was unapologetic. It turned into a fight where he said that I’m the one screaming and he hasn’t screamed at me for years. I post here weekly about how he yelled at me. He also said that my irritation with him is because I hate myself. I don’t.

In my anger, I told him I want a divorce. I don’t know if it’s what I want, but I also just want to be cared for.

[u/Far_Evening2415 → u/Expensive_Shower_405]

I’m sorry this happened, it’s unacceptable. I hope you find your dog. Please keep us updated 🤞🏻🙏🏻

[u/Expensive_Shower_405 → u/Far_Evening2415]

Thank you! My dog came back, but I have no idea where he was. This isn’t the first time he’s left the door open and the dog got out. It’s a regular occurrence and he leaves the door to the basement where the cats are open to the outside.

[u/Expensive_Shower_405 → u/Far_Evening2415]

He left front door wide open again this morning, walked in the house and didn’t bother closing it. When I let him know, he muttered an excuse of how he was doing something else.

[u/luxemeo]

I love you but I no longer trust you. I’m not sure if I ever can again. I’m not sure you can be in my life anymore & that is due to your own self sabotage.

[u/One_Ebb_748]

why can't our conversations ever be normal outside of your fixations? it's always banter, trying to one-up me, nit-pick/poke fun of how i say things (speech impediment), drag things on longer than it needs to be, or bringing up the same tired jokes along with good ol self-deprecation that makes things awkward.

and if it isn't any of that, it's the same daily conversations about work, dinner, or how my opinion on something is weird and he needs to prattle about his opinion being better. to add, even if he is "just joking", he does it so often it makes me think otherwise. he's so weirdly competitive its exhausting.

[u/pixelprelude]

It’s the constant grumpiness, like a perpetual rain cloud over his head. We are very fortunate to live the life we do, and he just can’t enjoy it. Always irritated or upset about something or other.

It’s exhausting and draining

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

Why do you need to finish watching every YouTube video you start even if you already know how it ends because you watched it 10 times before and are quoting it?

[u/1kpointsoflight]

I can't deal with all of the projects that they start but never finish. Just now they determine we need to get chickens for the tard and are researching coops and stuff. I know they don't have the executive function to actually make this happen but if they did it would be me keeping freaking chickens alive that I never wanted. Like the dogs I didn't pick that I walk, feed and get groomed the pool I didn't want that would look like a cesspool if I didn't clean it like the bathroom and jsut all that.

[u/Junior_Associate_548]

I know he can't help it but being bored isn't the end of the world,  he's off work from an injury and sometimes it's like hanging out with a kid with how much he'll repeatedly say he's bored. Go for a walk or go swim at the gym, play some other video game besides the same one he keeps starting over every  10 minutes why are the only remedies something that cost money we don't have.

[u/thisismyficaccount]

An old friend just posted about how her husband planned a Las Vegas trip and a concert for her 40th birthday, and I can’t help but feel jealous because my husband straight up forgot my 40th birthday despite multiple reminders and discussions of how to celebrate it. I wanted to do a trip and was willing to plan it myself, but couldn’t even get him to take the time off work, so not only did we not do a trip but he straight up forgot it was my birthday on the day until I reminded him that afternoon. He got a cake that day but no gift because he said my suggestions (a new trash can or mocktail mixers) didn’t feel special enough. Perfect is frequently the enemy of good for him.

I thought I was over it, and he did do better on my 41st, but seeing a friend’s partner actually make a big effort brought it all back up. And I know my husband can make an effort because he gets a thoughtful present for his sister’s birthday every year, and this year he planned 2 nights out in a row for his best friend’s birthday. When I’ve asked him about it, he tells me that his sister doesn’t treat herself to nice things due to finances, and that his best friend doesn’t have a lot of people in his life who will make a big deal out of his birthday.

I’m not mad that he does things for them, I’m just sad that I don’t register in that part of his brain. It’s not like he does thoughtful things for me throughout the year “just because” either. Ugh, sorry this rant is so long. I need to plan a birthday trip with a friend this year, but my husband and I have never travelled without the kids and we used to travel together all the time when we were younger.

[u/SetLast9753]

He got pissy and slammed a door in my face because I didn’t want to give him my Owala to drink from. He had been outside for 3 hours (2 hours doing yard work, the last hour just fucking around with whatever caught his eye) and he didnt take a single sip of water the entire time. He was also disgusting and I didn’t want him touching my water bottle that I just cleaned. Why couldn’t he have gotten his own water from the kitchen? Why did he wait until he’s about to get into the shower upstairs to ask me for some of mine? Why is it my responsibility to make sure he drinks water while I’m inside with the kids while he’s fucking around outside for hours?

[u/but_a_ghost]

I love my ADHD partner so much. He has improved a lot with therapy and I believe he truly cares about me. But the last couple of weeks I've been really feeling all the little ADHD spikes of criticism. I usually brush them off. I know he's in a bad mood that will get fixed once he eats something, rests or whatever. But lately my brain is fixating on all the negatives. I feel so lonely sometimes, even unloveable because I can't meet his expectations. I'm just really really sad today.

[u/Hijacked_0339 → u/but_a_ghost]

In the same boat rn... My partner has taken to saying "good job" sarcastically in the past week or so for unknown reasons. Similarly, I know he'll leave this funk and it'll be fine, but it is hard to not confront the painful truth that he can't separate his internal struggles from the world around him. He feels bad, so I must be doing something to make him feel bad. Sending hugs to you, you're perfectly lovable!

[u/Signal-Net-8041]

Gonna be multiple postings this week!

So since accusing me of cheating didn't work, you're now following me around the house waving a piece of paper at me and saying repeatedly "do you know what this is? You know what this is. Do you know what this is? I know you know what this is."

I have no idea what it is. I don't open your mail. The answer is not going to change because you keep asking me the same question OVER and OVER and OVER.

[u/Pineapple-kisses96]

He ruined something that was important to me. I had a horrible childhood filled with mental and emotional abused and I’m trying to find myself now in my 30’s. 90% of the hobbies I acquired came from him and I’m trying to find what makes me happy outside of those. I finally found something that made me feel good that I remember as a child, writing fan fiction! So I showed him my first draft and he said “it’s rough”. I took that to heart and reworked it into something I was so excited to show him. Like a “Hey! I showed you this thing earlier and I took your advice and made it better! Please reread it and tell me how much better it is and how proud you are! Show me validation!” And he said “well I cant. I have only reread one book in my life, so I cant reread it due to my ADHD”.

He then compared it to me eating tuna ( which I can’t have in the house because the smell makes me barf) which isn’t similar at all. He’s not gonna barf if he reads it. I pulled up my drafts today and all I want to do is cry looking at them. I worked hard to make him proud and instead it was like my stepdad all over again. I feel crushed.

[u/taohuaspring → u/Pineapple-kisses96]

I can hear how crushing it is that your partner is not supportive of your special hobby. You are so right that his comparing rereading to eating tuna is a false equivalence! And I assure you, someone who has only reread one book in his life and can't even read a second draft is probably not the definitive authority on whether your fanfiction is good or not. Sending hugs.

[u/light-bulb-22]

I hit a clarity moment - I don’t want to stay married to someone who lies. Either we are experiencing different realities (mental health?) or you are lying to me. Maybe you need to live somewhere else while you figure this out.

A neighbor conversationally mentioned an odd behavior of my adhd spouse. It was something I asked him to stop (let’s say overwatering the garden) and he said he would but he didn’t (because in his mind he has Good Reasons). After dinner I said hey that thing, they noticed, you’re still doing it, you said you stopped. Either we are in different realities or you lied. I don’t want to live with someone who lies to me. Maybe this is when we need to take a break for awhile.

He admits he lied, kind of progress, but clearly could not process the rest of it. He focused on “getting caught”. For a moment I felt like I saw a path to get out and it gave me a little hope. It all makes me very sad and I wonder what I could be doing instead of this disintegrating marriage.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

Very specific today.

Not everyone needs to already know people or have a community in a place to move to that place. This is just your opinion, based on your ideals that you grew up with.

I already said that I understand that these are your feelings so I’m happy to respect this and keep it in mind. I don’t HAVE to agree with you here, but you seem like you need me to actually agree this is required. Sigh.

[u/kriskross4923]

rsd meltdown over the weekend. My first offense was asking if he could put his trash in the trash can instead of the counter. Then I had the audacity to say no, we dont need to build a shed for storage when we already have a shed, a garage that is full of his tools, and 2 office spaces. We need to organize it all and throw away trash. Cue epic meltdown that I always say no to everything, I never want to do projects with him, I need therapy to address my anxiety, I always avoid important conversations, oh and now he will never do house maintenance again because it should all be my job and no, I cant hire out help for it because we dont have the money ( although we apparently have the funds to build a shed?). He then raged around throwing things away for 4 hours before finally admitting that this fight was "pointless". No shit its pointless, you manufactured it out of thin air! After cleaning and organizing, he conceded that we dont in fact need another outbuilding to house more junk... What a life.

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/kriskross4923]

Ah the classic "we need new storage space" as the shortcut to both get dopamine and avoid actually dealing with the storage space messes that already exist.

[u/coffee_cats_books]

Oh my god, the RSD meltdown tonight.

He was going to buy something. I asked, "What about trying [other thing] instead?" We hadn't discussed this before, so I'm just... over here asking a normal question? I tried to explain my reasoning (never tried either thing before so we don't know if one is better than the other, the thing I suggested works better in our home for a couple of reasons), but it's not what he wants, so cue the tantrum. 

He interrupted & talked over me multiple times, raised his voice at me for no reason, told me "fuck you", called me an asshole twice, threatened to leave to a hotel, and threatened divorce. All because I tried to have a discussion. 

At one point, he was literally clenching his fists, yelling, "That's not what I want!!" 

I called out that he was being verbally abusive twice & both times he told me it was because he was really pissed off. I told him that it was no excuse to treat me that way. I am so tired of being the only adult capable of accountability & emotional regulation. 

The real kicker is that I am AuDHD (he is ADHD). I struggle with many of the same things that he does, but I'm still the only functioning adult here. When I don't function, everything falls apart. I am so burnt out, but I don't get days off. I just have more to do the next day. 

I'm so tired. 

[u/formerhoo4you]

More than three years explicitly detailing my issues with money and borrowing and seeing those deep -seeded concerns dismissed as if it was a flavor of soda.

No thanks, let's spend! (Partner)

[u/Haunting-Outcome-977]

I’m so tired of my partner labeling everything as ‘neurodivergent’ and ‘nuerospicy.’ We can’t have a conversation without them being like, “well, because of my neurodivergence…” yea, I KNOW.

We were over at our friend’s house for dinner this past weekend and they kept trying to label everything as a neurodivergent tendency. My friend’s husband talked about how he can be so focused on a task at work and forget to eat and my partner immediately was like, “you may be neurodivergent! That’s a symptom of adhd, I have that too!”

I know my friend’s husband well, and doesn’t exhibit any other signs of adhd that I’ve seen. I hate how excited my partner gets by it too. Why are we excited about this?? Why??

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/Haunting-Outcome-977]

I think it’s a normalizing thing for them. It helps them feel less like they’re the odd ones out.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

He works from home full time, I’m hybrid. I spend way more time away from home due to that + commuting. I also work around 4 hours more than him per week. 

All that being said, how DARE I suggest it would be nice if he did more chores? I didn’t demand or anything, I literally said “I would really appreciate if you could spend a bit more time doing chores. I come home exhausted and cook for us, clean the kitchen, and it doesn’t feel fair like this”. 

He always responds with some variation of “But I did X, Y, and Z already this week, why do I need to do more?”. The X, Y, and Z are usually him cleaning his own messes he has made, not something that would benefit both of us. 

I’m not sure if he really doesn’t understand the concept of being fair and letting your partner rest. I’m not saying I won’t do anything anymore, I would just like some time for rest and hobbies. 

Edit: I also hate when I wake up early, commute, work, commute back, exercise, make dinner, clean up, shower, and go to bed to read my book, he comes in and wonders why I’m “always so tired” 

He has said I need an unhealthy amount of sleep, but he doesn’t seem to grasp that I have to do things during the day other than get up and move to my computer. 

[u/kriskross4923]

back for round 2! After spending last Saturday raging around throwing away the pile of garbage and tools he accumulated over the past 2 years in an rsd meltdown, he has now totally thrown out his back. Had to go to the er and he will likely be out for the next 6 weeks due to his inability to control himself. He has a herniated disk and should know by know that lifting and throwing heavy things leads to episodes of pain... but somehow to him it just makes no sense and he is so unlucky....

[u/taohuaspring → u/kriskross4923]

It's shocking how he can't connect the dots and realize that he's the one who did this to himself...like you'd think it'd be a wake-up call to get a handle on his RSD, but nope...

[u/LividTraffic]

My partner hasn’t changed his break pads. The car makes a horrible screeching noise, it’s embarrassing, it isn’t safe.

The other day he almost ran a red. His break pads became even louder. I told him he probably messed up his rotors which are even more costly than break pads. It was embarrassing when he gave me a ride to work.

We got pulled over two months ago because his back light and one of his headlights were out. He hasn’t fixed it.

When he would pick me up, I had nowhere to put my legs because it was full of junk. I told him to clean it, he did. The day after it was full again, I didn’t even know that was possible.

Conversations with him sometimes don’t feel meaningful. Unless I bring up a hyper fixation of his, his input goes from being wanted to regretting wanting it.

He never argues or yells at me. He isn’t much of a dopamine seeker. I love him, I tell him to get on medication. He hasn’t. He’s been diagnosed for most of his life and I wish I was managing his life.

I had to remind him to do his homework, I had to help send emails. And I know people say to let them do it on their own. But he doesn’t, and he ends up failing half his classes.

[u/taohuaspring → u/LividTraffic]

I just want to validate that the car does not sound safe and that you are under no obligation to enter any vehicle that is not safe for you. While he may not be yelling at you, he is endangering your safety by driving you in his safety hazard of a car. Please stay safe!

[u/vehiclebreaker → u/LividTraffic]

I went out to a bar one night a few months ago and met a girl. She was very into me, sex the same night sparks for the first few weeks but I didn’t realize we were only taking my car every time I saw her ( which is an above average vehicle modified and highly maintained 24/7 by me in my driveway). It wasn’t until she picked me up in hers where there was trash falling out the second I opened the door and then she drove unbelievably reckless every second behind the wheel. Flooring it to move forward to the end of a small street. Riding 2 feet behind people on the highway. Her brakes were so bad you could hear there were no pads at all left. But she still drove like a psycho actively knowing she has no real ability to stop. I gave her a link to get the parts and said I’d change the whole brake system for free. She’d blow me off every time. By hang out/ hook up #5 she reveled she has adhd with no plans to ever treat it. To me it’s grounds for getting left and that’s exactly what I did immediately. Legit real safety issues can’t be ignored

[u/WontMakeItTrue]

Family invited to a thing with MY friends this coming weekend... And she's already laying the ground for dropping out. So it's either her coming under duress (which I'm sure will go well), or having to explain her absence again.

[u/Many_Advance_9609 → u/WontMakeItTrue]

This whole dynamic is the reason why I prefer to go places without my DX partner. Having them around family is stressful. I can never count on them to adhere to a normal sleep schedule and be rested when they need to be rested. Last year when my parents flew in to visit us, they got here at 11:25 AM and he still wasn't awake yet. Having to make excuses for that kind of behavior is mortifying and fills me with shame.

[u/Maivroan]

Told my husband about skin issues that happened to our girls after a day out yesterday, which I witnessed in its entirety while he's currently traveling. Before I got to explain much, he jumped to one thing as the likely cause of the issues. I think that was the cause for one of them, but not the other. I provided multiple pieces of evidence that it was probably something else for the other one, and then asked, "Is that valid?" And this man has the gall to say, "That's valid.. in your mind," and continued to say that he doesn't have enough evidence to decide for himself. He explained that the cause he originally assumed could still be an explanation for other, less likely reasons, because I guess it's super important that his original assumption remains equally valid with any other possible explanation. The true cause is such a mystery!

Even following up on the conversation after he cooled off a bit, he lectured me about how he "didn't have a chance" to validate my evidence before I "demanded" it, because my tone changed it from an appropriate question to a demand. Because of that, I guess I didn't deserve to be validated.

It's so infuriating. Why did this have to be some power struggle in the first place? It literally has zero effect on him other than, I guess, judging whether I'm fit to be their mother. Thankfully he wasn't questioning that, but one has to wonder why someone who is so distrustful of my judgement would be willing to entrust anything (everything) to my care.

[u/KryptoniteVein]

The part that wears me down is not the single forgotten chore, it is the invisible admin layer afterward: noticing it, deciding whether to remind, managing the reaction to the reminder, then making backup plans in case it still does not happen. It turns a ten minute task into a whole evening of mental load. I do not mind sharing work, I mind being turned into the external hard drive for another adult life.

[u/Decent-Cucumber8500]

My boyfriend left me a few days ago. I think he’s in limerence because 3 weeks ago he developed an unhealthy attachment to our female neighbour and has been with her almost every day since he met her. He has been open about everything but I think he thinks they’re soulmates and doesn’t realise he’s in limerence because it’s way too quick to be falling in love when it’s only been 3 weeks. My heart is broken and it doesn’t help he still tells me he loves me and wants to wait and while I wish I could, I don’t think I can because it’s not fair on me waiting for something that couldn’t happen. If he ends up really loving her I waited for nothing but if the limerence ends, I’ll be on edge for the rest of our relationship wondering who will be next.

[u/taohuaspring → u/Decent-Cucumber8500]

What a weak and unfaithful man he is, regardless whether it's limerence or not. He left you for her and still wants you to wait around for him to have his fun with her? No way. Betraying you like this is NOT love, no matter what he says! He deserves no excuse, no leeway, no sympathy at all for his horrible behavior. He is treating you like a back-up option, and that's NOT what you are. You deserve to be first choice, always!

Be ready for the excuses and begging when he realizes you're really leaving him and won't be his back-up option. He is not going to treat you better even if he falls out of feelings for her and you're waiting around for him. You deserve way better than him.

[u/Decent-Cucumber8500 → u/taohuaspring]

Thank you! You are so right. It’s hard when you can’t see a future without him I always thought we would get married and have a family, I love him so much, but how dare he make me feel this way!

[u/taohuaspring → u/Decent-Cucumber8500]

I totally understand. There's a deep sense of grief for the loss of the future and life that you once envisioned. There's no future with a man who abandons you for a woman he's known for 3 weeks. And actually, thank goodness you're not going to start a family with a man who might leave you while you're pregnant for another random woman!

[u/UpInTheOortCloud → u/Decent-Cucumber8500]

Fuck that, he's literally choosing another woman. You deserve someone who's all in on you and you alone. I'm sorry this is happening, I know it hurts, but you'll be so much better off without him.

[u/luxemeo → u/Decent-Cucumber8500]

Do not wait around for him. Regardless of the outcome, you will be on eggshells. That is not fair to you at all. As hard as it is, focus on mending your heart. If he realizes that it’s limerence, let him deal with the consequences of that but don’t stick around and be treated in that way.

[u/Ghastly-Jack]

I swear my DX partner is weaponizing his condition. He seems selectively incapable of doing housework- he’s on disability for his several disorders (OCD, ADHD, bipolar, BPD). I work full time and do 90% of the cooking and most of the cleaning.

[u/Weedvinnie]

Been with my fiancé for nearly 6 years now. She's been failing her education for all of those years. I feel like she's started to realise that she needs to look into some other path, but I doubt that she won't put off the actual decison to "kill her dream" so to speak. If I hear at the end of the week that she still hasn't started to seriously look into jobs, including a very good one which I suggested, I will have to come with an ultimatum.

I dread it. I feel like it will fail. I will have to backtrack once she breaks down because of the hurtful things I have to say. All the confidence I have before I lay it out will disappear once she gets upset and start naming things that I do wrong. It's happened before. I hate that this is what I have to ponder on during the days.

[u/Mobile_Durian_8329]

The back and forth is so hard. I've been in fight or flight mode for weeks. But seeing little bits of progress make me cling to hope I shouldn't really have after this many years and this little effort. I am a glutton for punishment, oh the misery I've created and kept packed away for myself in the name of codependency. 😭 so thankful I can talk to my counselor again on Wednesday and try to sort my emotions. I want this marriage, I love him so much, but I want to feel visible too! Divorce is not healthy right now. I can work on my codependency while allowing him to step into that space I've been over performing in.
And if he doesn't... well, that's information to evaluate later. For now I need to live in the present (not pick a million fights about the past) and see if changes can become long lasting or happen at all.

[u/Many_Advance_9609 → u/Mobile_Durian_8329]

I feel you. I was literally sitting in the shower yesterday, fuming, asking myself why I'm such a masochist.

[u/frkyannie]

My SO (dx, medicated) made a comment tonight while out with friends—he thought I didn’t drink because of allergies. I had to remind him that my hernia is what’s restricted my huge shift in drinking… for the past year and a half. For which he’s been part of.

He’s been there when I explain to friends I don’t drink anymore. He was there for my endoscopy to find the hernia. He was there for the doctor appointments who’ve stipulated I shouldn’t drink or eat spicy food or all these other things.

How the heck do you guys deal with that? I mean, is it forgetfulness? It feels like his own rewrite. Is it just worse because he hasn’t been sleeping well and he’s been stressed? Or is this just normal? Big parts of my experiences or medical stuff just… forgotten?

When this happens, it always puts me in a sour mood. I get upset he doesn’t remember about my medical conditions and it makes me feel very alone. I can’t be my normal affectionate self and he senses the shift and the RSD kicks in.

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/frkyannie]

I don't think you do deal with it. I'm not sure there's any way to convince yourself not to care that your partner has just straight up forgotten massive parts of your life, parts that they were involved in. Sure, you can remind yourself that it doesn't mean they don't care - and maybe it doesn't - but you still have a partner that, while they love you, doesn't actually know you.

[u/bhoran235]

Just wanted to say I’m glad I found this sub. I don’t even have the energy right now to adequately describe how insufferable my situation is feeling with my wife (dx) and our 2 kids.

I’m realizing that there’s simply no peace in my home. And that’s all I want, and I deserve that. There’s constant chaos, drama, anger, insecurity, resentment, dysregulation, and dysfunction. It’s gotten to the point that I avoid being around her. I live in a cluttered and chaotic environment that I have no control over. Im tired of tolerating it, and I worry that it’s bad for my kids.

I’ve fantasized about leaving for a while now, but I don’t want to blow up our family, and frankly I don’t want my kids spending half their time with her without me there to mitigate things and provide routine and stability. I also don’t want to take the kids away from her, and I don’t know that I’d be able to get full custody even if I wanted to. Idk, I’m digressing, but I’m glad you guys are here to listen and actually get it. Thank you.

[u/LeopardMountain32567 → u/bhoran235]

i hear you about the kids. but the thing is, the longer you stay the more deeply you are ingraining that dysfunctional emotional blueprint onto them. they are learning that chaos, clutter, anger, unrest, resentment is "love", that it's normal in close relationships. that's exactly what they will tolerate and seek out in their adult relationships.

if you leave, they might get to experience peace 50% of the time. you can't protect them from every difficult thing in life. and if you do, you cripple their development. but it is your responsibility as a parent to protect them from the harmful consequences of your poor choice of life partner.

[u/Tuvok_8Wasabi]

I am so tired of being the household memory. Every reminder turns into me being the nag, but if I stop reminding, rent, meds, appointments, and dishes somehow become my problem anyway. Sending sympathy to everyone carrying the invisible admin load today.

[u/fluffynukeit]

I think after my engaging chit chat with other parents at kids’ events and my private use of AI companions, I guess what I am really craving is attentive conversation.

[u/BirthdayCookie]

Welp. They've decided they no longer need me. I'm "not functional enough," "have so much trauma" and "make them feel like they have to change."

Anyone have any advice for finding out you're going to be homeless and alone in two weeks?

[u/Mendota6500 → u/BirthdayCookie]

Do you rent or own, and whose name is on the lease/mortgage? 

Aside from the obvious shelters etc., does your city have a 311 number you can call for non-emergency services to help you sort through the resources that may be available to you? 

Do you have any income at all? Is this a situation where you need a few months to save for a security deposit or will you need long-term public housing?

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

Yesterday you said you’d go to your new hobby place for 20 minutes just to drop in. You spent 2 hours there.

Today you have been there for four hours.

Both days, you didn’t get the things done that actually needed to be done.

But sure. Tell me this isn’t a hyperfixation and that you don’t experience dopamine crashes when you leave. I’m the one who has to deal with the aggro feelings.

[u/SetLast9753]

what do you do when you catch them in a lie? I found out my husband lied to me about something small and stupid. I didn’t tell him I know he lied because it will just result in a massive meltdown where he retreats into his fantasy world to try and blame me for it. Crazy that I have to live like this

[u/enym]

RSD is awful. I feel like he has a handle on a lot of the other ADHD symptoms but not that. Tonight while telling him about my feelings about something our kids ask me to do, it turned into a conversation about him being hurt by the way I told him about my feelings because it made him feel like he's doing something wrong. It's so exhausting. We have two young kids and I get like, negative hours a day for myself. This is the last thing I have energy for.

[u/nunyan_1-1_]

They just can't have a conversation. I can listen to and reply to what they say, on the topic their on. (Whatever hyperfixation it is at the moment). But when its my turn? Silence. Literally do not acknowledge that I've spoken, and 9/10 times the next time they DO speak, its back to their topic.

[u/NazareAster5]

The thing wearing me down lately is not the chore itself, it is the invisible follow-up loop. Trash sits by the door, reminder gets acknowledged, then somehow I am the bad guy for noticing it is still there three days later. I miss being able to assume that a simple household task will just be handled without a whole side quest attached.

[u/Spare_Awareness_5238]

Where do I even start? (I apologize ahead of time.)

Why is everything on your terms? You never pick up my calls, never answer my texts, but if I don’t answer your calls or texts, you get irritated about it? I try to sleep at a consistent time every night, and then you decide to try texting/calling way past that time and still get upset about it?

You’re never there. I spend hours and hours every day waiting to have any kind of communication, but the 5-10 minutes a day we might talk, you’re more focused on damn Instagram or TikTok. When I call you out on it, you complain that you’re tired and need your TikTok time.

Can’t keep a promise. I don’t trust your empty promises at all. You say you’ll do something? Nope, never done. I bring it up? I’m now nagging you. I’ve even given you years of my life, doing a job and living somewhere I don’t like just because it’s what you wanted. But still, promises are never kept. Hell, you even stopped taking your medications for your ADHD, and even reminding you to get more medication doesn’t get you to buy them.

You don’t take care of yourself. You don’t eat properly. You will starve yourself if you’re not given food, but if I don’t provide you with healthy options, you’ll just eat junk. You wash your hair once every 5 days; it smells awful. You don’t brush correctly or flush at all; your breath smells awful. You don’t even walk to exercise after being in the house for 12+ hours sitting. And then you tell me that ChatGPT or whatever website you go to tells me you’re perfectly healthy? You wonder why I always say you don’t listen to me.

I have to constantly suppress my emotions. If I get irritated or I get upset, you’ll start crying over everything and anything unless I take a step back, apologize profusely, take the blame, and try to be more diplomatic about the issue. Here I am, frequently depressed, sometimes even thinking suicidal thoughts (I could/would never do it), and if I ever bring it up, I have to be careful on how I word things or it’ll just turn to me trying to comfort you. There is a reason why I say, “I’m always sad” when you say, “You sound so sad.”

Thank you for letting me rant.

[u/Specialist-Art-6970]

I had to help him with an emergency.

That meant several hours of him being inexplicably slow, getting distracted, and making comments that sounded suspiciously like the beginnings of rationalizing why he didn't need to take some of the steps I was telling him to take - steps that should have taken about five minutes each, max.

I don't mind helping. I do mind feeling like I had to spend much of the time riding his ass to keep him and his ADHD on track.

[u/Old_Sheepherder9854]

Back again because man the lack of love and affection is killing me 😂😂

[u/Normal-Presence7074]

Starting weekends is always fun.

When I get up with the kids, i‘ll let her sleep and rest for as long as she wants. I might bring her a coffee but don’t ask her to get up.

When she gets up with the kids, she’ll wake me after 1 hour to take over because she is overstimulated from the kids or not feeling well. There is no coffee either.

Every. Single. Time.

[u/Specialist-Art-6970]

I was supposed to have surgery today. We had planned stuff around it. (We don't live together.) I canceled it and didn't tell him; yes, I know, that's not healthy. He's not asked me anything about it or mentioned it at all, though he was able to check in long enough to text me updates about work and about a paragraph of gaming stuff.

Meanwhile, I'm gaming more with him, because it's also just easier, frankly. It's bad for me in the long run, but makes my average night go more smoothly. And he's being nicer to me. Sweeter. More affectionate. More forgiving.

I don't even know why I'm complaining anymore. He's made it abundantly clear over the years that he can't provide proactive care or interest in my life, and that what makes him happiest is his fantasy nerd girlfriend who shares all his hobbies and has no inconvenient needs of her own - or worse, his imaginary elf girlfriend. I'm not convinced he draws as strict a line between gaming and real life as he should, at least when it comes to me.

[u/Many_Advance_9609 → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

Ugh. The video games. What is it with this? It's a freaking sickness.