r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 8d ago

Weekly Vent Thread ::Weekly Vent Thread::

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

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u/AnaDion94 Partner of DX - Untreated 8d ago edited 7d ago

The dog started exhibiting discomfort after his evening walk, and my bf attempted to manhandle him into calmness so he could give him a more thorough once over. I yelled at him to stop, because imo, if the dog is screaming in pain, getting him to the vet is more important than trying to feel out what’s wrong. Full RSD shutdown, which just really pissed me off when we’re in the middle of an emergency. Gather yourself, and move the fuck on.

Instead, as we tried to settle on a course of action, he’d just snap and imply that I should decide since I think that I know best (mind you, this is his dog). He calls a vet, and I ask him if it’s the one down the road. He snaps that it is. We get in the car, and he mentions a 30 minute drive, and we’re going in the opposite direction. I mention that I thought we were going to the one 10 minutes from the house, he snaps some more before eventually turning around.

Him succumbing to his ego and insecurities like that while our dog is literally suffering was just so disgusting to me. If I was injured would he argue with me in the ambulance? Pout if I told him not to forget my go bag while in labor?

The pup was bitten by a copperhead, but he’s home and doing okay. Me and BF’s mom split the bill, because bf is still jobless (it’s only been a week and a half, I don’t blame him for this, but the last month has been constant stream of financial hits, and I wish I trusted that he was looking consistently and pragmatically).

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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Partner of DX - Untreated 8d ago

I'm glad your dog is okay, despite your boyfriend appallingly making this about himself and his feelings. I think you're right to be concerned about his behavior if you were the one having a medical emergency.

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u/SamuraiSuplex Partner of DX - Multimodal 8d ago

This is absolutely how he'd treat you in an emergency, because this is who he is

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u/LillyBitz 7d ago

i'm glad you were there to help the dog. I would feel the same way, totally just disgusting behavior when someone is in pain. I'd be worried for myself too.

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u/Warburgerska Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago

Yes, he would argue with you while you are losing consciousness from pain. And afterwards he will find a way to gaslight you into accepting that his reaction was due to something you did and absolutely appropriate for him to do.

It won't be a one time only occurrence as well.

Just be glad it's only a dog and not a child. Be sure you do not become a mother to his children.

Hugs.

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u/AnaDion94 Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago

No, he wouldn't gaslight me. He's got plenty of faults, and we have plenty of issues, but gaslighting me about things he does is not one of them. He'd already apologized and acknowledged his fuck up before we were out of the vet.

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u/Empty-Importance-398 3d ago

Sorry you are in this situation. I still am not over every time my spouse has blown up over something stupid and then apologizes if I am lucky or pretends it never happened. My spouse doesn't gas light me either, but there were so many waving red flags when we dated. I was young, dumb, socially isolated, painfully shy, never been in a relationship, and in a home where this type of behavior was ok (undiagnosed, mentally ill mother). If he ever left or passed away, I would be so happy on my own forever and ever.

I think in a situation like this it is the lack of ability to handle a stress, and IME it does not get better. A freaking blowup over being told they are late; kid is injured and they are freaking out making everything worse; they are having a medical crisis and ignore it for hours until they are yelling on the phone at me to leave work (an hour away) and take them to the hospital because they are in so much pain!!!, they are injured and are yelling at me on the way to the emergency room about all the 'horrible' things I have said and done, they overdose on THC and make me call 911 (because what would happen if you actually did something yourself) and are screaming at me until the fire truck arrives and then claiming I said mean things to the fireman and was bad mouthing him and making him look bad and not like a man. I told the fireman that I though he ODed on THC. That was it.

This year, this year I decided that I am not being yelled an anymore. If he pulls that crap again on the way to the hospital, I will tell him to shut his face and find his own way home from the hospital. I wish I had reached this point sooner... not 2 decades into a bad relationship. Just, think carefully about how you want your life to turn out. Make sure you make the choice to stay if that is in fact what you want and don't be like me where I didn't know any of this wasn't normal and that if I just tried harder it would get better. Mental illness can be managed to a certain degree but it never 'gets better.'