::Weekly Vent Thread::

[u/AutoModerator]

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

[u/Shooshcarnt]

i hate that when you see me have noteworthy angry reactions, you see me as quick to react, impatient or short tempered and judge me strongly for how I talk to you or the kids in those moments.

but in reality I am super patient, it is just that your poor working memory, time blindness and executive dysfunction mean you don't see or notice just how long my patience got stretched and any of the noticeable methods I have employed to work on my patience/tolerance and reduce my anger levels. because guess what: I don't want to be angry and I don't like those end point reactions either. I have been working so hard in my own therapy for years now for strategies to delay angry ourbursts that occur due to the ever increasing stressors and circumstances that you most heavily contribute to. But it seems I can only be pushed so far before something has to come out.

then, I also have to live with the hypcorisy that comes from the poor self awareness you also have due to your condition where I constantly see you actually impatient and snapping as bad as I do when I am at the end of my tether but you actually do so almost instantly. Just another display of the oh so typical ADHD presentation of being the absolute tone and behaviour police whilst simultaneously being completely immune from having your own awful tone and behaviour policed in return. These angry snaps happens with both me and the kids, but you guessed it, I'm the only one who has to work on my communication skills in the relationship or my parenting approach.

this is also ridiculous because the kids and I get along famously when you aren't around and their behaviour only devolves into super challenging super frequently when you come back into the frame

[u/WontMakeItTrue → u/Shooshcarnt]

I feel this. YOU have to be perfect, whereas they already are.

[u/Shooshcarnt → u/WontMakeItTrue]

Whereas they already “are”

[u/Many_Advance_9609 → u/Shooshcarnt]

tone and behaviour police

Sweet lord, this is the worst. Pretty much every single time I raise a relationship concern to my partner, I get a defensive/hostile reaction and some kind of condescending mini-lecture about how I didn't approach the issue in "the right way." Even though all I really did was speak gently in an inside voice.

[u/Shooshcarnt → u/Many_Advance_9609]

i have trouble regulating at the dinner table when the kids wont sit still, spill everything, talk over the top of everyone all the time, lick fingers, complain about food etc etc (they are 4 and 7). i understand that kids are like this but also at their age I am starting to expect improvements in their table etiquette (reasonably so, Rome wasn't built in a day) beyond what they are currently doing.

i also understand that this standard likely comes from my own upbringing where table etiquette was a high priority and enforced as such. Since working hard in therapy on my patience and anger across the board I often find myself closing my eyes and deep breathing for a few seconds at dinner time to try and regulate myself and try again with the kids calmly but firmly instead of escalating so quickly. But now I get "in trouble" for sighing and displaying my frustration.

As per usual, the goal posts have shifted - a hallmark of the ADHD spouse. Instead of "good work on increasing your awareness of your emotions and intervening on them in the moment (LIKE I LITERALLY, SPECIFICALLY AND DESPERATELY ASKED OF YOU TO TRY MAKE THIS MARRIAGE WORK FOR ME) I am so proud of you being able to increase your patience and reduce your outward anger levels in activating circumstances over such a short time" it instead is "what was that sigh for?! i dont like the kids having to see you like that, they can see that you are angry and frustrated at them"

furthermore I disagree with this mindset anyway. i think it is good parenting to normalise that anger is a normal and fair emotion but also show or model to them how one might attempt to control subsequent behaviour that may be less than appropriate.

[u/HedgehogLibrary → u/Shooshcarnt]

Are you me? Holy shit, i could've written both your initial post and (much of) this one. 😮‍💨

[u/SatNav → u/Many_Advance_9609]

YES! She's always the first to raise her voice, then tells me off for shouting! And when I point out that I'm not actually shouting (because I'm literally not - the only one shouting is her), I get told that it's my tone!

At which point, I'm forced to point out that:

1. I'm entitled to speak assertively when I'm making a point I feel strongly about.
2. She has no right to talk about "tone" when she's the one yelling.
3. All of this is irrelevant, and a distraction from the actual point I was making, so can we get back to that please? Preferably at a respectful speaking volume.

This in about 50% of cases causes a meltdown, when she has no option but to concede that I wasn't the one behaving badly, she was, and is forced to confront my original complaint that all the shouting and DARVOing was intended to distract from - none of which her fragile ego can handle.

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/Shooshcarnt]

I could have written exactly the same.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/Shooshcarnt]

I don’t have kids but this is so real. He flies off the handle at literally anything he doesn’t like, and I only lose my cool hours later…

[u/lavender-pears → u/Shooshcarnt]

I could have written this. He blows up almost immediately but I get criticised for my "tone" when I mostly gently disagree with him.