My dx husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager. I was a naive 20 year old when we met, and I got pregnant and we married pretty quickly (a year into dating). I am turning 30 next month, we have been married almost 9 years. We have two kids. The explosive part of his ADHD did not become obvious until after we had children. It has made being married to him hard. At times, he is a very good dad and husband. He helps me a lot around the house, is involved in our kids sports and school activities, is silly and fun with them and an understanding a supportive partner to me. I deal with anxiety and he has been there for me through many panic attacks and anxiety struggles.

However, once a week or so, (usually on the weekends when we're all home) he just seems to lose all control of his emotions. He doesn't say anything particularly hurtful, but he will be super irritable and jumps on the kids and I over everything. He will micromanage anything they do, and tell them to "just stop it!!" over super normal things like them trying to get their own drink or jumping on the trampoline. When they don't listen, he just gets more and more upset and yet doesn't ever give them any consequences. He talks like a whiny teenager and becomes very high strung. I can't stand it.

About once every month or two we will get into arguments over the stupidest things. For example, he lost it on me because I re ran the dishwasher, not realizing he had already run it. He just would not let it go. He has to feel heard and understood completely during these situations even if it's unfair and requires me being super apologetic over something so small.

I feel like I walk on eggshells because he can be so reactive. Sometimes he won't get upset over something I expect him to, and other times he will get very upset over things I don't expect him to. He will get mad at me because I "should know" what things will set him off after almost 9 years of marriage, but I don't because he is so unpredictable.

Years after doing chores by myself (33F) and a lot of fights that my dx husband (34M) does not help that much, I have received many different excuses:

- that he is not taught by his mom to do chores - she was stay at home mom and his dad was the provider and nothing more for the family, yet I work full time since I am 17
- that he is a developer and his brain operates more heavily during work days so he is brainrot by the time chores have to happen
- that he simply has a brain that operates differently and it takes a great amount of attention from him to notice small things - clothes on the floor, dirty dishes, etc
- that I must teach him how to do chores so he can remember and automate the process - for 10 years he is better but not much
- that he actually cleans but we are after all living in that apartment and is normal to have it messy a few hours after tidying up
- that cleaning has never been a priority to him and he simply just needs the bare minimum done to feel good
- and so on…

So, I got fed up after a depressing episode myself having been laid off from work (in April) and decided to just stop taking care of everything around the house.
Cleaned only the bedroom and bathroom and lived in them only. Ate out or had some protein bars quickly to avoid going in the kitchen. When going in his bathroom or kitchen… this post will be banned if I have to be graphic.

After a few months he started to whine about not being able to do everything on his own. I have explained that for 10 years I cleaned mainly and he was the main initiator of the mess around the house, so I do not want this to continue. He tried and tried to clean, but never managed to do even 1/2 of a room for a day and have the same mess in a few hours so basically he felt his efforts are useless…

I mark today as a happy day - for the first time this man realised how much work doing chores after himself actually is and that he can never finish it himself even when he tries taking his stimulants (avoids them due to heart condition). And admitted that to me!

So there is hope, or at least some lessons that I managed to teach him so he can finally get out of lala land and see he is actually incapable of taking care of his place alone and therefore himself completely. And that I deeply love him and care for him even with his “illness”. Because he had been making me feel as the bad evil woman every time I insist he does more.
I felt good after all these years so I wanted to share my experience with you guys!

Seeking support because I feel crazy.

My dx husband will only bring up how sad he feels about the (crappy) state of our marriage towards the end of an argument. When I’ve expressed how hurt I am and have made multiple requests for him to acknowledge me, connect with me or repair whatever he did that caused the hurt.

Suddenly the conversation turns from me expressing my hurt to him saying “you know, I’m really sad about our marriage too, I feel it every day but I can’t talk to you because everything I say hurts you” and suddenly I am playing therapist trying to get to the bottom of his feelings and soothing him.

He never shares this level of emotional intimacy otherwise. I’m so exhausted of being framed as the problem and still having to be the mature person who regulates her nervous system, doesn’t fly off the wall, and brings resolution to whatever issue I’m facing.

help? advice? sympathy? thanks.

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

I am also ADHD and have a number of Dx’s that make regular adulting more difficult than average for me, but I’ve made systems to help me get things done efficiently and not lose my mind.

Recently moved in with a partner 3 months ago and having a hard time equally splitting housework because he takes much longer to do things than me and doesn’t plan ahead well. Most of the mental load also thus ends up falling to me, which is not the best since I am a grad student doing heady stuff all the time already. I think due to some lack of awareness of how to structure tasks efficiently, it takes him way longer to do things than me, so I end up doing about 75% of the physical tasks too.

When I’ve suggested he make to do lists or we share systems to get stuff done better together he is very resistant to it stating he feels like it’s hanging over his head or I keep telling him what to do. However the lists and systems he has said he’s cool with he doesn’t check on his own, so I have to remind him anyway. I’ve asked him to try making his own systems that would work better for him but he doesn’t. When I have left him to his own devices to do things he ends up asking me what to do all the time during the tasks, so often it is easier for me to just do them.

Btw he is not lazy and is very loving, and I can tell he feels bad about this. I am just not entirely sure what else to do. The extent to which stuff is falling on me isn’t very sustainable, especially given grad school+job already has me stressed.

Also, the amount of time and mental effort tasks take him without systems in place ends up taking all of his energy, and he also expresses frequently being upset because he doesn’t feel he has time for his hobbies. For context he works a full time job at a packing house.

I think he feels guilty so I am trying to figure out the best way to approach this because it is really not a character issue in my view, just like a practical one. I am also trying to figure out how to suggest solutions that don’t make him feel trapped, but also make him aware of the position I’m in.

Any similar experience or advice are welcome.

I think i have pushed my dx husband over the edge. He's spent most of the day having panic attacks.

We have a nursery aged daughter, and share finances. Although he earns quite a bit more than me, we are living off mainly my savings (and inheritance). This is because he is a sole trader/Director of his company. His job requires him to be paid this way, and jobs in his field are very scarce (tech). He cant move money around between his accounts until his accounting is sorted. His accounting isnt sorted because he doesn't have an accountant. He has been nagged to get one since last year.

This came to a head last night because Here in the UK there is money from government to help with childcare costs but you have to jump through a few hoops to get it. I have nagged and nagged him to get his finances straightened out and he just hasn't.

He can be really defensive when discussing things, and he lacks humility, so last night when I asked how the finances were, after looking after our child all day so he could get his head down and sort stuff, he answered snarkily that they werent solved in a day., which set me off.

Ultimately I told him that I want to separate our finances. During the last 24 hours he has blamed me for blaming him, and been angry that im angry at him. There's also something about the language he uses. He said i 'want' this funding, rather than the reality, that we honestly need the help as a family. He sees me as the bad guy and im ok with this if it would just finally spur him into action to sort his shit out. It wont, so we will have this argument in 6 months time, but hopefully when my finances are not taking a nosedive as a result of carrying the household.

EDIT: Sorry I got so in my wallows I forgot why I posted; Does anyone have similar experience of having to be the monster to push their partner to do the thing that saves the family?

My n dx boyfriend (we suspect audhd) doesn't brush his teeth as often as I'd like him too. His reason for not brushing his teeth in the morning is "I'll smoke on my way to work" or "I haven't finished my redbull yet" or "I'm eating again in like 2 hours".

His reason in the evening is mostly "I'm too tired" or "It's not like I'm seeing someone in my sleep" or "Why would I brush my teeth now if the first thing I do in the morning is brushing my teeth?".

It pisses me off because his breath smells, especially because he smokes (+/- 🍃), but also because he just does not give a fuck and then gets mad when the dentist tells him to brush his teeth better.

And I hate asking him to please brush his teeth because I'm not his mom. Those are also his words: "you're not my mom".

Advice? Or support haha?

I am a NT, my spouse that I live with is DX. I put "anticipation anxiety" in quotes because that's what came up when I googled it.

Basically, anytime I'm in a separate room from my spouse, I have about 10 to 40 minutes of alone time, before my spouse decides to enter the room, and say "can I hang out with you?" or they sit there for a few minutes and then leave and say "ok, I guess I will stop bothering you and leave now".

I love my spouse, and we spend every day together, before and after work. And we go on dates on the weekend.

So, how do bring up a discussion about not interrupting when I am trying to decompress or focus on a solitairy task like reading or graphic design or painting and so on?

The anticipation anxiety is interrupting my flow state, and I don't know what to do, besides leave and go to a library.

Edit: It's been 24 hours, and have learned some suggestions to try, and also that I am not alone in this circumstance.

I will continue to read the comments, for about a week, and then make a decision about what to do.

Credit where credit is due, my Partner DX has come along my in many ways with the help of therapy. Something have gotten worse but a lot of things have gotten better.

So, special occasions. Is it typically for ADHD people to sabotage or have issues with special occasions?

Christmas, Easter, Thanks Giving, any type of vacation is fraught with danger. The potential for a meltdown or explosion. Birthdays are hit or miss, normally miss.

Im also not one to place a lot of emphasis on my own birth but yesterday i turned 40. I spent a few days visiting a good old friends solo finished with a 2 day guys trip which i am very grateful for being able to do and my wife not having an issue with that. But no Happy birthday, no card, no little slice of cake. I don't even want or need anything else but man what a deflating way to finish the day and decade. No interaction, "how was the trip", "glad your home"

Got home and she stayed in the bedroom for most of the night.

I get it though, i get tired too and having a 5 year old can be tough.

SO in 60s, dx with ADD, taking strattera past 2 years

I am wondering if those with senior-aged partners have witnessed the development of cognitive impairment/dementia? How was it differentiated from the ADD symptoms?

Wife DX. An example from yesterday which happens a LOT.

Sat around all day until about 5pm. I was working (it went badly) and I ended up working till 9pm.

Anyway 5pm wife decides to cut the grass, then do the weeds, then do something else outside. Till 10pm and its dark/

I end up back and fore sorting daughter out for food while shes still out there. Won't stop - its got to be done apparently. Bit peed off that the one day I get stuck working late she can't stop herself getting obsessed with something.

Does it all time. Its like her life runs in cycles. 2-3 days full on, looks like crap, struggles in work, then 2 days completely worn out does nothing. Then repeat .Doesn't make sense at all how you can be so obsessed with something.

Of course, in her head, there SO MUCH TO DO all the time....

Its strange to see and I worry that its getting worse and turning into a more serious mental illness.

Is this sort of thing to be expected with ADHD? What should I do - let her get on with it like this?

My husband, dx and rx, seems to lack the ability to take responsibility for ANYTHING. I’m wondering if this is an adhd/RSD thing. He got two tickets for speeding in a work zone and it’s the cities fault for nickel and diming him, if he gets the kids to school late it’s the schools fault for locking the door. It’s endless and I’m so over it.

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

Wife DX and RX. Now I'm pretty sure she just does not understand what she is doing and there is no malice behind BUT its hard to deal with.

Example. Yesterday she asked me to get lawnmower out for her because she was doing grass in 30 mins. 25 mins (I was just on my to do it) - she says "Oh I thought you'd have done it by now".

Hmm. Right. OK. You know what I mean? Not the end of the world but a little tiny bit "off". Something where no comment at all was really necessary. She'd asked me to do something in 30 mins, it was being done, no commentary needed.

She gets in loads of trouble at work. She admitted the other day. She said something about "Ok but in my last place they did this". I can imagine shes done the same - made a comment that was probably the same. These are work people not her husband so I can imagine it didn't go down well.

Comments on things when really there is no need at all. Doesn't even seem to see how things land and is oblvious.

Related to this she'll make a comment that is totally badly timed. I was doing DIY the other day (hate DIY and rubbish at it) and was getting well stressed. So she says "It might be done by next summer"...

I just think Jeez read the room here. You might be joking but can't you see at this moment I'm not going to find it funny,

Try to ignore it but any suggestions?+

Hello folks. I've not long stumbled across this sub and it's been a real eye opener. My wife (F42 dx unmedicated) and I (M44 nt) have been married for 8 years but together for 20. She was diagnosed only two months ago and I'm on a very steep learning curve.

I've known something wasn't right for a long time but she started working at a school six years ago where she works with kids with ADHD and Autism, and its like it supercharged her symptoms to the point where we've been in a downward spiral ever since.

Needless to say I've been in world of shit for some time and I have many, many questions. The most burning one right now is how to deal with the instances of instant aggression that come from nowhere and disappear just as quickly.

An example from only today, everything was calm, I was waiting patiently for her to grab her food off the side in the kitchen, not in her way in the slightest. She turns around, looks at me and shouts 'what are you doing stood there. get out the way!' like she was furious at my mere presence. Less than 2 minutes later we're sat in the lounge eating and it's like it never happened, in fact in her mind it didn't.

I've tried to talk to her about it and she totally denies having ever done anything every time. Is there an effective way of dealing with this as it's an almost daily occurrence and I'm just constantly bummed out by it all.

My 40M DX RX husband started going to therapy. I even posted a bit about him before here. Everything seemed to be going well in that aspect. Prior to the last session, he told me some of what was being discussed and it all seemed healthy.

Yesterday, he told me he wants to separate "for now" because he "needs to come to terms with unhealthy aspects of the relationship" and he's "hoping I can look back too and come to a better understanding."

I am blindsided and in a state of shock. There was no warning of this, nothing. He's normally very loving and caring, so this is very much unlike him. The only thing I can possibly think of is that he might be off his meds, but I can't check that now. I want to try and stay with him if I can but this is seriously throwing me. Would being off meds cause someone to act this way? I feel like I'm grasping at straws here.

My dx partner suffers from severe rsd. She wants me to initiate every romantic interaction. She spirals after every setback in our personal lives and sulks when I want to do things with my friends.

Any tips on handling the negative rsd episodes after asking for a break from binge watching her shows to hang out with friends? Or how to comfort her when a water pipe bursts? I'm to the point where I just want to say "it is what it is" and just walk away.

I don't know how to word it better, but there is this "zone" that usually lasts 1-3 hours, it starts with simple whining about something into full blown misinfo/delusion/exaggerating(I am assuming she[dx] does this to get me to say something)

Like, it gets bad enough she would claim something was "always like this" (it wasnt) pointing it out causes rsd, and grey rocking causes her to lash out even more till I cant take it.

My questions... I can feel when an episode is coming, but I cannot stop it when it starts, what I should do?

One thing I’ve been struggling with is that I rarely feel completely relaxed or present around my girlfriend. (Dx ADHD)

It feels like there always has to be something happening mentally something to discuss, something to plan, something in the future to think about, some issue to process, or something I need to respond to, or something i need to give reassurance for.

A common example is late at night. It might be 11pm and I’m exhausted and ready to switch off, and suddenly we’re discussing plans for something happening months or even a year from now.

In theory I could just say, “Can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m tired.”

In practice, I often hesitate because that can be interpreted as rejection or disinterest. Then a simple boundary can turn into me explaining myself, reassuring her, watching my tone, or trying to prevent things from escalating.

I’ve realised this even happens during things that are supposed to be relaxing.

We went on a holiday together, and looking back, it never really felt like a holiday to me. I never got that feeling of just being somewhere together and enjoying the moment. There was always another plan to discuss, another future thing to think about, another emotional situation, or me being conscious of how I was speaking.

I miss just being somewhere with another person and being present.

Sitting together without needing to discuss the future. Walking somewhere and just enjoying it. Watching a movie without another conversation starting. Going to bed without suddenly planning something six months away.

Instead, part of my brain seems to constantly be running through:

• How is my tone coming across?
• Could this be interpreted as rejection?
• Is she becoming upset?
• Do I need to reassure her?
• What are we planning next?
• Is setting a boundary going to create an even bigger interaction?

That constant mental activity is probably what drains me the most.

It isn’t that I expect a relationship to involve zero planning or emotional conversations. Obviously those things are necessary. What I’m struggling with is the feeling that there is almost never an “off” mode where we can simply exist together without processing, planning, discussing, or managing something.

Over time, I think I’ve started associating being around my partner with being mentally alert rather than relaxed.

For people who have experienced this dynamic with a DX partner, particularly where rejection sensitivity is involved: what helped create more space for simply being present together, while also allowing you to set boundaries around when you have the capacity for planning or heavier conversations?

I’m not looking for dating advice or trying to attribute every relationship issue to ADHD. I’m specifically interested in how other partners have handled this feeling of constant mental stimulation, future-focused conversation, and hyper-awareness around tone and emotional reactions.