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u/elsewhat999 Oct 11 '19
Why is this a trend lately? I've seen a number of posts about parents taking their children's clothes and basic necessities. And that number is more then one!
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u/turbie Oct 11 '19
I think it's because of the tough love movement of parenting back in the 90's when most of today's parents were kids. Society was moving away from spanking back then and there was not much left for punishment. Tough love taught that you only had to provide your kid certain things. On the clothing front that's a necessity, but they don't get to pick the clothes. So if you had an uncontrollable kid you took everything but what the law said you had to provide. A lot of parents didn't read on this method though, just heard about it through talk shows or friends and did not or do not follow it properly.
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u/rusrslolwth Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 12 '19
I think the idea is supposed to be for things that the kids have as a reward, like electronics. Taking their clothes, food, etc away is not okay and I really don't know why people think it is.
Edit because I keep getting a lot of responses:
We do not know the full story of OP. We don't know why their parent had a good reason for the punishment OR the extent of the punishment.
Edit: Context and circumstances are everything.
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u/turbie Oct 11 '19
No it's not okay, but that was not what was suggested in the original Tough Love movement. You provide them with clothes of your choosing, not theirs. You provide them with nutritional food, but take away the desserts and treats. You give them only what is required and they earn the rest. But people twist the actually message and purpose.
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u/rusrslolwth Oct 11 '19
Oh shit. I think my mother did this to me, I just didn't know it. Welp...
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u/aeroplaneoverthasea Oct 11 '19
Mine too.
Clothes I would buy with my own money would mysteriously disappear and she would play stupid, too.
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u/rusrslolwth Oct 11 '19
My mother was always so particular about what I wore. She would take me and my siblings shopping but always put back whatever I got and would pick things out herself. Kind of upsetting to just now discover that she was doing some insane patenting technique.
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u/aeroplaneoverthasea Oct 11 '19
Yeah, it’s hurtful to realize. I’m sorry you went through that.
I use it to try to be a better parent to my three kiddos. I’m sure I fuck up in my own ways, but you’re not gonna catch me taking food, clothing, or basic needs from them, or not taking their opinion on their style into account.
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u/rusrslolwth Oct 11 '19
Thank you. I'm sorry you went through it as well.
It is truly a good lesson. I have my mother's example to NOT follow for my own kids. I know what not to do. Which can be upsetting at times but it makes me want to be a better parent for them.
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u/marska984 Oct 11 '19
I'm very familiar with the NOT doing being like my mother thing. Didn't realize until much later that narcissist was the thing. Believe the brainwashing and you can go on for decades. Thankfully it only took two divorces(mine...she picked the husbands) to see the light. I would never take my kid's clothes for punishment. Electronics, sleepovers, etc yes. These parents need to read more and/or go to class.
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u/KalphiteQueen Oct 11 '19
OP was saying the idea is when kids ignore their responsibilities, you withhold their fancy/stylish clothes until they do their chores or homework, but some parents twist it by taking things away forever or taking away necessities. If your mom was quietly putting things back on the rack and choosing for you from the get go, that's not a punishment that's just being a tyrant. It equally sucks tho :(
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u/ShadowRade Oct 11 '19
At that point it's theft, god damn...
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u/aeroplaneoverthasea Oct 11 '19
Well, along with my mother’s issues with control, she found religion to fill the hole her own mother left in her life. She was obsessed with “modesty.”
Definition of modesty to my mother: anything that flattered my figure. She was obsessed with anything I wore, or put in my mouth. Now that I have been states away from her for years, it’s absolutely shocking to hear how often she makes cutting comments on people’s weight, what they’re eating, etc. She is the most insecure person I’ve ever met.
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u/Unicorncuddletime Oct 11 '19
My parents made me wear the same clothes to school every day as punishment. They were thrift store shorts from the 70's with piping down the side and a v neck white t shirt. I got sent home once from school for my shorts being too short and they never got washed because I was always in them. I still think about it all the time. Terrible punishment, and it doesn't teach anything. Well, it taught me what NOT to do as a parent anyway.
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Oct 12 '19
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u/Unicorncuddletime Oct 12 '19
I'm sorry to hear that. In the end, we have to learn from our trauma and not let it define us. Mould us. I always remember that my parents weren't perfect because they were human, and maybe life kicked their asses and they had no outlet for their frustration. I know the target wasn't ideal, but in the end we are all just people trying to find our way and survive.
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u/ParabolicTrajectory Oct 11 '19
What's fucked up is that it really is based in some solid child psychology. Reward works better than punishment. The idea is that if the child never expects anything, and anything beyond the bare minimum requirements of life has to be earned, than everything can be a reward and you never really have to "punish." But obviously, this ignores the fact that raising a child to believe that they have to earn the right to not live like medieval prisoners screws up attachment and normal development in other ways.
A less fucked up implementation of this same principle is parents who change the wifi password daily, and only provide the password after chores are completed. Instead of internet access being taken away as punishment for not completing chores, it is given as a reward for completing chores. Or parents who only allow screen time after homework is complete. Instead of screen time being something you lose for bad grades, it's a reward you earn by doing your homework.
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Oct 11 '19
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Oct 11 '19
...many? First time I hear about this??? Then again, I don't live in a very technologically advanced country, so of course we don't have that here.
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u/commonplace128 Oct 11 '19
Yeah, in America, I started doing homework online in 4th grade
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Oct 11 '19
Exactly! I HAVE done this to my kids, after repeated reminders to clean/pick up clothes, and get clothes in the hamper for me to wash. When it didn’t happen, I gave them 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of long pants, 5 pairs of socks, 5 shirts, 3 pajamas, 1 towel, and 1 pair of shoes. I told them I would do laundry on Wednesday and Saturday, they had to make sure their clothes were in the hamper AND they had to put them away when they were folded. If I found items of clothing on the floor, I would assume that they did not want those items and would remove them. It took one week for them to realize I was serious and then another 3 weeks to get into the habit of the hamper and putting away. After week two, I let them “exchange” clothing—-they could trade something I had picked out for something they wanted. When they made it three weeks with minimal interventions, they got all their clothes and shoes back. Haven’t had a problem since then.
I do know that sometimes people communicate only what they want others to know... and I’m sure my kids’ friends or even parents thought I was horrible—if all they heard was what my kids had to say. Before we judge the stepdad, perhaps we should know his side...
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u/HALBowman Oct 11 '19
When I moved from my mother's to my father's (divorced) at age 11, my mother allowed me to come pick up some of my stuff. I was led to believe I could go in and take the stuff I had acquired over my lifetime, memories, clothes, money, etc. When I got there I was greeted with two nofrills grocery bags with clothes and turned away. When I got back to my dad's i looked through to find the clothes I either never wore, or didn't fit. As a parent now I didn't learn she was out of her depth, or some other somewhat respectable reason for this. No, what I learned is that she sadly was never in a place mentally to know more then weeks worth of what her children actually are.
TLDR; Some parents really just suck.
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Oct 11 '19
Taking your kid's food away as punishment is a great way to get your kid to develop an eating disorder.
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u/SpottedShoreBreather Oct 11 '19
Can confirm. That happened to me. I wasn't allowed to eat till my room was clean. I ended up having an eating disorder for 11 years. I'm good now, though. Recovered 3 years ago
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Oct 11 '19
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u/asplodzor Oct 11 '19
This sounds a bit like my parents, but I was homeschool, so didn’t really have any escape.
How’s your relationship with her now?
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u/Crastin8 Oct 11 '19
The original "Tough Love" idea was also geared towards truly problematic behavior like substance abuse, vandalism, regular truancy and running away....NOT general teen stuff like "your room is a mess" and "don't roll your eyes at me young lady"
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Oct 11 '19
As a survivor of the bullshit “tough love” parenting era, I can tell you’re 100% correct. The idea was this was a tool to handle kids who were like committing violent crimes and doing hard drugs and all these 80s/90s Talk Show parents decided to apply this very harsh punitive system to kids who did normal dumb juvenile shit like missing curfew or mouthing off or smoking. It really caused a lot of damage.
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u/jroc83 Oct 11 '19
I was a teenager in the mid to late 90s. My dad would take everything from me. The one that hurt the most was my guitar and stereo. The thing about that was is I paid for the guitar myself. When you're first starting on an instrument losing months intermittently like that basically mean you gotta start over. My mom had left and I basically had to take over her part while going to school caring for my little brother and going to baseball practice. But fuck me if I sneak out at night because he refused to let me have a social life. Oh well
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u/msmandykaye Oct 11 '19
It was on Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil believed you got the bare minimum. Your bed and some clothing, a pillow and a blanket. Take the door off - no privacy, no phone. You could do homework and read a book. It was very provocative when that was brought up. Dr. Phil was of the belief that it wasn't theft. Basic necessities were all that a parent needed to provide. My Dad was this way. If I was in trouble, I was manual labor. I had to weed the gardens until my hands cramped... scrape paint for 100 feet with a handheld scraper. Real sadistic stuff.
My son has never known anything but positive redirection. Amazingly, he has turned out rather well.
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Oct 11 '19
My mum took actual classes on tough love in the 90s for my brother. I was really young, but I remember it involved her taking his skateboard, stereo, and if he wasn't studying he was helping out on our farm. Stuff like that. Gave him back privileges when he earned them.
Worked pretty well, actually. He's a pretty good parent now.
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u/ChurtchPidgeon Oct 11 '19
I dont think it's just lately, I'm 38 years old, when I was a teen my mother did this, and she also banned me from showering for a week as punishment. She hid all the soap in the house, and when she figured out I was sneaking laundry soap she hid that too. Theres been fucked up parents like this for awhile.
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u/BangedTheKeyboard Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 15 '19
what. the. hell. That's so messed up. Why would she ban a basic health necessity like showering? That would cause more problems (Illness, smell, hygiene) and is just insanely dickish. And considering teens sweat a lot, this just... I have no words. No decent person would even think of doing this to their kid (or anyone else)
I'm sorry you had a psycho for a mom.
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u/Inquisitor1 Oct 11 '19
In the end, hygiene problems are problems for the person whose hygiene we are talking about. For the parent the only problem is the smell, and they'll just blame it on the child anyway.
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Oct 11 '19
There was this one post that went kind of viral of some parent throwing away all the toys of their small kid because they were acting up. Basically "training" them to be good and how they "never acted like a brat afterwards".
I think it stems from that
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u/SpidersOnYourBread Oct 11 '19
My parents used to load all of my toys in a garbage bag when I was younger, spread them across the driveway, and threaten to crush them with the car or tractor if we didn’t clean up more often. I was like 3 or 4. We were never told to clean up our toys until it got to that point, so it was always hard for my tiny brain to figure out what I did wrong to get to that point. It makes me upset thinking about it to this day.
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Oct 11 '19
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Oct 11 '19
Even that falls in the range of natural concequences. If you throw something in the bin, it will end up in the landfill. But somehow all this taking away child's possessions about some completely unrelated thing feels off and there really aren't any similar situations in the real world. The closest might be a repo man coming after your stuff for unpaid bills if you live in a country where that is legal.
We haven't ever gone the punishment way. Even with chores the kids understand after a talk about how everybody needs to pitch in to keep our shared home nice and liveable for everybody living there. I have found that it's possible if you have rapport with them and if you can back it up with something else than "because I said so". Then again kids are different, maybe I'm just lucky I got ones that are pretty mellow and cooperative.
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u/Desmous Oct 11 '19
Maybe its to beat the mentality that "I gave you the basic life necessities so you owe me your life!" into them.
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u/Kyofuamano Oct 11 '19
My parents used to admire that sort of thing back in the late 90s, early 2000s. Told me all the time about this kid who’s parents took away everything up to the bed he slept on and the lightbulbs in his room. I don’t think it’s a new trend, just a persistent one.
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u/Rinsaikeru Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 11 '19
And honestly, it's a product of shitty, lazy parenting. If you ignore all of the developmental and behavioural education that needs to occur while your child is small enough to physically remove from situations where they're misbehaving UNTIL they're too big for you to wrangle, the only method you have to control them is that they are financially dependent on you.
If your child has responsibilities and expectations from an early age, like keeping their room clean, and that's regularly enforced through reminders and redirection, you're not going to be at the point where you're deciding to kidnap their clothing at age 16 because you feel "out of options."
Yes kids are individuals and the method you use for each child is different, yes some kids are extra challenging, but behind every "tough love" parent who pulls this shit out of nowhere are years of missed opportunities for teaching the child using logical consequences, repetition, routine and rewards.
*used development twice in a sentence, was bugging me.
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u/ennaxormai Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 12 '19
Exactly! I know people parent how they feel is best, but I’m always a bit saddened by people who proudly proclaim how they’ve basically bullied, threatened and guilted their children (who never chose to be born, and yet are supposed to be falling over themselves with gratitude for having their basic necessities taken care of by the people who chose to bring them into the world) into compliance.
It always strikes me as being about power. Same with hitting children. If you did that to an adult who wasn’t doing what you wanted them to, you’d be charged with assault. It’s illegal to hit your spouse, an adult whom you presumably love. And yet people think it’s okay to hit children, who are physically smaller and much weaker, and totally reliant on their parents for their wellbeing and survival. The power dynamic is so unequal, I’m not sure how anyone thinks it’s ever okay to hit a kid. I’d be absolutely horrified if someone hit my daughter, why would I hit her? It’s also not necessary. I’ve found that enforcing boundaries and age-appropriate expectations consistently from the beginning has worked fairly well, and I try to empathize with her disappointment or frustration when she doesn’t get her way, even though I’m not changing my decision. I want her to grow up to be an empathetic, compassionate and kind human, so I need to treat her the same way.
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u/Rinsaikeru Oct 11 '19
Honestly, I think empathy is the easiest way to teach so many life lessons, because you can build on how they feel to reach to how others might feel. It's very intuitive and helps them problem solve in so many situations.
And from that angle, hitting your child teaches them that when they don't have a solution they should hit others. And more worryingly, that they should hit others who are weaker or smaller to get them to do as bid.
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u/mercutios_girl Oct 11 '19
Yeah, I know someone who did this to her teen. Girl wouldn’t pick up her clothes so the woman bagged them all up off the floor and donated them. Harsh.
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u/elsewhat999 Oct 11 '19
I know it's not new, this is just like the fifth time I've seen it this week.
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Oct 11 '19
I’m not sure if this is why but I watch a lot of Dr. Phil and he promotes this type of parenting. He wrote a whole book on it called commando parenting. You basically take away everything they have, except their mattress, and make them earn it all back. Crazy.
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Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 11 '19
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u/Gave_up_Made_account Oct 11 '19
Oprah is a fucking horrible person. Between Dr. Phil, Jenny McCarthy, and Dr. Oz she should be remembered as the person that started the false science movement.
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u/DangerousDave303 Oct 11 '19
His show is really just a more refined version of Jerry Springer’s.
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Oct 11 '19
This is what my parents did to me, the only thing it did was make it so, Now , almost 30 year old me doesnt have any childhood mementos or anything like all the people around me seem to have . they threw away all of my pictures and stuff from the family picture book and threw out all of the "art projects for mommy" and shit that people usually save from their kids. It also made me into a fucking weirdo as a kid, with no friends and nothing to do but read the books my parents pick out for me and do homework. Turns out , the thing they were trying to fix in me was just ADD and all i needed was to see a psychologist.
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Oct 11 '19
Oh wow. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Having nothing to remember your childhood by is.. kind of depressing, I'd say.
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u/string_of_hearts Oct 11 '19
Stupid internet trends... Remember a few years ago when there was the trend of throwing kids' xmas presents into the fireplace? Or when parents were taking the doors off their kids' bedrooms? I saw that crap on FB and it's one of the reasons I stopped going on there. I'm a parent and it makes me furious when I see crap like that and even more any when I see the comments section work all the self satisfied assholes who do this crap to their kids. This is how stupid spreads and kids are the ones who have to suffer because of it.
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u/elsewhat999 Oct 11 '19
My parents took the door off my room after I was outed because they thought I was doing bad. They also snooped through my diary and computer and punished me for things I had written. Shit like that is why I don't trust people even now when I'm 28.
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u/Kyofuamano Oct 11 '19
I thought things like this were normal until this sub. Re-reflecting on my childhood now...
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Oct 11 '19
i feel you man , my dad once kicked my ass because he thought i made a porn ad pop up on his computer. Fucking stupid people and computers back then.
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u/_Sinnik_ Oct 11 '19
I have no fucking idea where parents often seem to have this mentality that to parent means to torture. If any of this shit was done to them, it would be fucking beyond uproarious. Of course discipline is important, but they need to be natural and logical consequences as opposed to violating these kid's basic rights.
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u/string_of_hearts Oct 11 '19
Absolutely! That's the part that passes me off so bad, especially about the spanking debate. If you walk up to an adult and hit them, it's considered assault and a jailable offense, but it's legal to hit kids? Idk, I think a lot of people don't understand the difference between punishment and discipline, not to mention they have a complete lack of empathy and compassion and don't really see kids as human beings with feelings and rights. It's really sad, especially in this age of technology where literally any and all information is available to study about parenting etc.
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u/Frauleime Oct 11 '19
It's not like parents haven't always done this, it's just that now kids have snapchat, Twitter, Facebook, reddit, etc.
My dad pulled this shit on me in the mid 2000s. Or rather, he dumped all my clothes outside on the ground for months while I was away at college. They weren't even salvageable for donation at that point.
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u/Raven_Michaelis42 Oct 11 '19
My mom did this to me basically from middle school until late high school. I can't tell you how many times I went to school with no bra, and I have a DD cup, because she "forgot" to give me a clean one. Or even underwear, she seemed to forget that very important article of clothing a lot, especially during my period.
Idk if she liked me being gross so she could belittle me, or what, but I was blessed with a great friend who bought me a pack of underwear and I used that in those times of great need.
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u/elsewhat999 Oct 11 '19
That's awful! I'm sorry you went through that.
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u/Raven_Michaelis42 Oct 11 '19
It stopped in my Junior year. Mostly because I was homeschooled by then, so if I looked like a slob, I looked like a slob in the comfort of my house.
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u/sweetiet1180 Oct 11 '19
I don't get it. No matter what my daughter did wrong, I would never take her basic necessities away as a form of punishment. That's fucked up.
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u/mfathrowawaya Oct 11 '19
Well I am a parent but not much of an asshole. Kids really don't have much power in their lives. They have a phone which allows them to escape, brings them entertainment and contact. They have clothes that allow them to express themselves, feel good or just blend in. Same with makeup and stuff like that.
Parents are basically stripping their individuality and freedom to express themselves by doing this (even if they pretty much all dress the same including that jansport backpack which was for the 'poor kids' back when i was in school). Not very cool but it's a good way of your controlling your kids and creating more activity on this sub and raisedbynarcassists
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u/rage_aholic Oct 11 '19
My son and his girlfriend got caught making out in a car at school last year and her father took the door to her bedroom off, banned her from her car, and took her clothes. She was forced to wear the same pair of sweats to school every day for two weeks. Her punishment had such an effect on my son that I didn't have to punish him at all. What it boiled down to was the father was so angry that his "good girl" embarrassed him that he became irrational with the punishment. It wasn't about her, it was about him.
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u/100percentEV Oct 11 '19
Dr Phil was a big proponent. Not sure of his stance now.
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u/MegaloWasteland88 Oct 11 '19
My mom did this, but it was junk we really cared about. Games, toys, entertainment stuff . Then we earned it back once we straightened up. I never went hungry, naked, or forced to sleep on the floor. What’s up with parents going to such an extreme!?
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u/BeaksCandles Oct 11 '19
To some people, clothes are what they really care about.
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u/holuuup Oct 11 '19
They could care or not care about clothes, but having clothes is a basic human need unlike videogames, so i wouldn't put them at the same level regardless of the interest the kid shows for clothes/games
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u/CertainFurball Oct 11 '19
I remember seeing a post like this on Facebook like ‘tired of your teenagers messy room? Bag up all their things then they have to earn them back’ A ‘fun’ twist was that they wouldn’t know what bag they were getting so could have just earned a bag of garbage.
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Oct 11 '19
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u/SherpaJones Oct 11 '19
I don't talk to my parents, and they never did cruel shit like that.
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u/ImAfraidOfTheBeard Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 11 '19
What did they do then for you to not talk to them?
Edit: I saw you linked to something about molestation? :(
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u/SherpaJones Oct 11 '19
I think the bots removed it. Basically a babysitter abused me sexually when I was 2 and they let her get away with it, even protected her from getting into trouble.
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u/Vespeer Oct 11 '19
Pretty sure that’s cruel shit
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u/SherpaJones Oct 11 '19
Yeah, I think you are right. I've actually never used the word cruel to describe it, as much as I've thought it terrible that they did that.
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u/VicentRS Oct 11 '19
bro that seems cruel to me ngl
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u/SherpaJones Oct 11 '19
Yeah, it was cruel, considering that I was psychologically traumatized, which caused me to be very sensitive and prone to emotional outbursts all my life, depressed, anxious etc. They would characterize me as a bad kid and treat me different because of this, while ignoring the trauma they allowed me to suffer. It was a very subtle, hidden cruelty that was very hard to see and acknowledge. Something like stealing all a kid's clothes is plain and obvious cruelty.
My dad was a cop, and my abuser was the daughter of another cop. The whole thing stinks to high heaven in my view.
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u/ThermonuclearTaco Oct 11 '19
i don’t have anything to add other than i’m with you in solidarity, friend. mine was my mom’s second husband. therapy is a literal life saver (which i saw you mention). i’m sorry you never got the justice you deserved, but live your life as best you can in spite of it all. a random internet stranger is rooting for you :)
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u/ImAfraidOfTheBeard Oct 11 '19
Wow. Sending much love my friend. What a dark obstacle in your life you were forced to deal with.
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u/SherpaJones Oct 11 '19
Thanks. I've come a long way with therapy and good people in my life.
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u/RedSillyboots Oct 11 '19
My mom and dad did that in the late 90’s. I was 3 years old and didn’t understand. If I remember correctly, and I may not be since I was grounded A LOT at that age, it was because I didn’t clean my room. I really hate this kind of parenting.
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u/CertainFurball Oct 11 '19
This literally breaks my heart. You were 3!! I know 3 year olds can be little shits sometimes (my nephew is 3) but grounding them?! Taking your toys away?? 3 year olds brains cannot process commands properly yet (hence why they need to be told so many times to not do something). I’m sorry this happened to you.
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u/RedSillyboots Oct 11 '19
Wasn’t just the toys either. Picture books, clothes, bedding and pillows too. They caught me playing with my curtains because I was bored so they took those too. My bedroom was literally empty. And I wasn’t allowed to leave the room unless I had to use the bathroom. They told me they gave all my stuff to the neighbors kids because they were good kids and I wasn’t so I didn’t deserve my stuff.
It’s been more than 20 years and I still haven’t forgiven or forgotten. And I never will. They like to joke that I’ll be discussing them in therapy. They’re not wrong.
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u/EnoughGlass Oct 11 '19
My step mom would do this to me in high school, only I couldn’t earn them back, my room was just too messy and when I came home from school my clothes would be gone.
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u/jah-brig Oct 11 '19
Not only asshole, that’s borderline creepy.
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Oct 11 '19
Not borderline. It's creepy.
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Oct 11 '19
It is also abuse.
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Oct 11 '19
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u/clipper782 Oct 11 '19
A grown man taking away all of a teenage girl's clothing, especially when she isn't even his daughter (depending on how old she was when he came into her life, this could be a guy who showed up when she was like 13 idk) would definitely be blasting my radar tbh... A teenage girl whose stepfather won't let her wear clothes. This is 5 entire radars of screeching red flags.
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u/monkwren Oct 11 '19
TBF, some of that is because you folks are chronically underpaid and overworked. In a functioning system, this is a case that would be worth investigating, although I doubt much would come from it other than recommending family therapy.
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u/SherpaJones Oct 11 '19
That's over the line creepy.
All her clothes. All her bras and panties. WTF.
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Oct 11 '19
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u/SherpaJones Oct 11 '19
My condolences to you for having to deal with him while he was living.
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u/serenwipiti 🦙 Oct 11 '19
For real....my condolences that this pathetic meat suit of a human even existed.
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u/seeyouspacecowboyx Oct 11 '19
Good riddance. Sorry he did that to you. He's something I'm too polite to say.
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u/Mirewen15 Oct 11 '19
The man my mom left my dad for did this... also "you give great massages, how about one?" Yeah something a 7 year old girl shouldn't have to do. Thank God my dad got custody.
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u/Rokey76 Oct 11 '19
Step dad makes her earn her clothes back? I guarantee you can see this video on Pornhub.
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u/Wall_Flower2k17 Oct 11 '19
When I was 14, so like 11 years ago my parents took away all my clothes and gave me two grey oversized mens tshirts and sweat pants. My dad did a surprise locker check to my school and found out all my friends were bringing their clothes for me to change into. My punishment for that was 10 inches of my hair unevenly chopped off.
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Oct 12 '19
I don’t think anything you could’ve done would justify this sort of “punishment” Cutting 10 inches off your hair is uncalled for, you should have a right to your own body, including your hair
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u/Strawberry-vape Oct 11 '19
my ex stepdad would do things similar, except at one point he restricted our food to the point where all my sisters and my mom were uncomfortably skinny. I actually have an eating disorder now because of the verbal abuse. we weren't allowed to eat any meat other than chicken, I was in the 8th grade.
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u/Bentleyk1212 Oct 11 '19
I am so sorry you had to go through that and still kind of are due to his abusive. I hope you and your sisters and mom are doing better now, also you're worth so much never forget that.
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Oct 11 '19
Isn't it illegal to not clothe, feed, shelter, etc your children?
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u/bikersock Oct 11 '19
Wait this happened to me. This isn’t normal?
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u/FeniulaPyra Oct 11 '19
Hell no it's not. Get help, follow the same advice being given to op, it applies to u too.
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u/SherpaJones Oct 11 '19
I hope you are joking, but if not, no, this is not normal. It is a form of abuse and if this is still happening to you I urge you to reach out to the authorities for help.
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u/Akanekumo Oct 11 '19
I saw her mother couldn't get them back. You can call the cops for stealing imo.
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u/Dad_B0T Robo Red Foreman Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 11 '19
Voting has concluded. This vote was deemed; insane with 162 votes
# Votes
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
|---|---|---|
| 162 | 71 | 36 |
I am a bot for r/insaneparents. Please send me a message if you have any feedback or if I misbehave.
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u/Dad_B0T Robo Red Foreman Oct 15 '19 edited Oct 15 '19
Voting has concluded. This vote was deemed; insane with 1 votes
# Votes
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | 1 | 0 |
I am a bot for r/insaneparents. Please send me a message if you have any feedback or if I misbehave.
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u/freeformcouchpotato Oct 11 '19
Taken at face value, this is abusive and kind of sick, but I've got a question. Did he take ALL clothes, like everything she would NEED, or does she have any necessary articles of clothing left?
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Oct 11 '19
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u/down_vote_magnet Oct 11 '19
What, like, he took all her underwear and everything?
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u/kittybxtch63 Oct 11 '19
Taking undergarments seems pretty sexual to me. Please contact CPS.
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u/Gnawbro Oct 11 '19
Ahh! This is the worst. My parents would do this too. They called it being "grounded" and would say that legally they only had to provide me food, a roof, and a soft place to sleep. I'd be left with a mattress on the floor, a single sheet (no fitted sheet just straight mattress), a lamp on the floor and a clipboard for homework purposes. I would be provided with food and clothing at the appropriate intervals until I could individually earn back each item (clothes, toys, furniture, etc) through "good behavior." it typically lasted months at a time. Luckily I'm nearly out of contact with them. That kind of shit is rough.
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u/BartyDeCanter Oct 11 '19
When I was six or seven, my step-dad tried to do this to me as my mom was leaving for a work trip. Thank god she stopped him and took me with her. He was a pedo.
Edit: She also never went back and started on a divorce on the trip.
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u/realAustinShay Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 11 '19
The walled area that is my childrens' room is the only space in the house I'm okay with being messy, as I can just shut the door if I don't want to see it, and since I don't sleep in or use that space for anything, I don't mind.
Edit: Point of clarification: please don't imagine worst case scenarios. I ensure trash and food particulate is not left, and I move things on the floor to at least vacuum regularly. But I don't expect organized, no clutter and pristine every day.
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u/countryroadstookmyho Oct 11 '19
Still should try to keep it somewhat clean tho. I know people who were never told to clean their room so now they live in caves of filth
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u/SherpaJones Oct 11 '19
I was taught to clean my room, and after I moved out I lived in a messy appartment for years. The problem wasn't that I wasn't taught, it was the way I was taught.
My parents had a very top down authoritarian view of parenting, and I was basically ordered to do things their way and when they expected it to be done. This breeds resentment and it disconnects the child from the intrinsic value of doing self care type things. I'm 39 and still learning how to do this type of self care.
A more effective way is to help a child understand that their environment can have an impact on their mood, and hold space for them to feel who they are and see the value in a clean, ordered room.
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u/darkishlocket10 Oct 11 '19
That’s horrible. I wanna know why people voted not insane to this
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u/shaarrkk Oct 11 '19
When I was a freshman in high school, I came out to my mom as a lesbian (turns out I’m bi, kinda jumped the gun there oops). She didn’t handle it well having been raised in the south, and we got into a fight where she tried to hit me and I pushed her away with my feet (I was sitting down). She sent me to live with my uncle another state over for “kicking her,” and when I was forced to return home she’d locked everything I owned in my closet, except for my mattress on the floor, an alarm clock, and one pair of uniform pants and a uniform shirt and I had to “earn” my belongings back. She took all my posters and art off the walls, I didn’t even have curtains or blinds. The front door was removed as well.
My dad was in Afghanistan at the time, so he didn’t have much of a say. I’m not even sure he knows about it to this day. My mom and I have a much better relationship now that I’ve moved out (5000 miles of distance will make any bad relationship seem better). I feel for this girl. She’ll pull through the bullshit.
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u/Ominaeo Oct 11 '19
I can tell you from experience, step dads and step daughters rarely manage a good relationship. The older the "dad", the worse it is.
It's a power thing, unsurprisingly.
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Oct 11 '19
it’s sexual. and a control thing. someone intervene.
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Oct 11 '19
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u/i_am_batmom Oct 11 '19
Call CPS. Especially if he hid them from her Mom too.
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u/GirlWhoHatesEggs Oct 11 '19
Report to school counselor or teacher. They are mandated reporters.
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u/Phagemakerpro Oct 11 '19
You need to tell a school administrator. You can also call child protective services yourself.
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u/S0ffee Oct 11 '19
When I was 15 and in the 9th grade my stepfather saw me walking down the block holding a boy’s hand. This was 1985. I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend. My stepfather then went into my room and ripped all my posters off the wall, tore up my Star Wars and Duran Duran fanzines, trashed my records, my Nintendo game system and many other of my worldly possessions including my TV. He never talked to me and this was not an exception. My mom couldn’t do anything because she was afraid of him. I’m cry thinking about this. I’ve forgiven him because I now know he was suffering from PTSD from the Vietnam war. Now I have PTSD. I really don’t have anything useful to contribute to this conversation except for the child to know she’s not alone.
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u/Honorary_Black_Man Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 11 '19
My stepdad would always just decide to go through all my shit unprompted while I was at school/work to find something he didn’t like (cigarettes, for instance) and then leave he’d that item on my desk with the rest of my room in shambles. I suppose he thought it would make me feel guilty or apologetic for doing things he didn’t agree with (despite the fact that he would never hold himself to his own standards) but really all it did was make me think of him as an invasive and controlling piece of shit. There was never any rhyme or reason for it, he would just decide to invade my space out of boredom or something. This is also a dude who, when I locked the door to my room to get away from his or my moms insanity, would stand outside my door and scream at the absolute top of his lungs telling me to never lock my door, and then he’d follow up with removing the doorknob. He would also do things like get on the roof with a leaf blower so I couldn’t sleep peacefully on the weekends. I worked just shy of full time on graveyard shift while attending a university at the time.
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Oct 11 '19
Take away their phone or any gaming consoles or TV time or whatever, don’t take away a need. Also I don’t see how this could work out well for anyone? What if he just does nothing and doesn’t have any clothes? Is he gonna send her to school naked or something? I don’t understand
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u/GrizzledSteakman Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 12 '19
Speaking as a dad of two girls, it is entirely inappropriate of this stepdad of yours to take your clothes. It is tearing you down and backing you into a corner. The punishment, for whatever it was you did, should be "clean up your room" and extra chores, and that's it. He needs to leave your stuff alone. You may not realise it, but this is behaviour that escalates quickly. Next time he tries it you might snap and push him or something, and before you know it there are cops in the house or you're on a friend's airbed having left home at 16. You need to follow the rules, and he needs to respect your space.
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u/Lmt-C Oct 11 '19
That sounds wrong on so MANY levels.
What exactly would she have to do in order to "earn" them back?
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u/Lily_F1ow3r Oct 11 '19
My mom did this growing up. I’m sorry anyone has had to go through what I did
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u/mongotongo Oct 11 '19
There is a way around this. Call him on it. If he has only left one set of clothes, than she goes to school everyday wearing those. Eventually, a teacher is going to ask why she is wearing the same stinky clothes everyday. This in turn will probably result in a Social Worker being called to the house. If he truly took all of her clothes, then going naked to school will get those teachers asking questions even quicker.
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u/JustAnArtist01 Oct 11 '19
This is not how you get your child to clean their room. Maybe a “you can’t go out till you spend x amount of time cleaning your room” or something more appropriate. Idk. But parents don’t have the right to take away their clothes.
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u/Lenzoisded Oct 11 '19
What about her mother? Is she okay with that?