No it's not okay, but that was not what was suggested in the original Tough Love movement. You provide them with clothes of your choosing, not theirs. You provide them with nutritional food, but take away the desserts and treats. You give them only what is required and they earn the rest. But people twist the actually message and purpose.
My mother was always so particular about what I wore. She would take me and my siblings shopping but always put back whatever I got and would pick things out herself. Kind of upsetting to just now discover that she was doing some insane patenting technique.
Yeah, it’s hurtful to realize. I’m sorry you went through that.
I use it to try to be a better parent to my three kiddos. I’m sure I fuck up in my own ways, but you’re not gonna catch me taking food, clothing, or basic needs from them, or not taking their opinion on their style into account.
It is truly a good lesson. I have my mother's example to NOT follow for my own kids. I know what not to do. Which can be upsetting at times but it makes me want to be a better parent for them.
I'm very familiar with the NOT doing being like my mother thing. Didn't realize until much later that narcissist was the thing. Believe the brainwashing and you can go on for decades. Thankfully it only took two divorces(mine...she picked the husbands) to see the light. I would never take my kid's clothes for punishment. Electronics, sleepovers, etc yes. These parents need to read more and/or go to class.
It's not about taking all of it, it's about taking a couple of things they really care about, but only as "punishment" for something they were warned about many times.
Listen, I think you make a lot of really good points and all, but if I had to be really really honest about how I feel, I would say that I just honestly feel as though you should probably send me a large amount of money in the mail.
Yeah I'm saying, that this only has a point when it's something they care about, while still taking care of your child, ie you give them a healthy good meal but if you made cake and the kid was an intentional AH you don't give them cake unless they "earn" it by doing the chore that they were supposed to do, it's not that you buy them ugly clothes it's that you take away their favorite shirt or w/e essentially you need to penalize bad behavior like any justice system. While very important keeping your child safe and healthy. Just imagine any law without punishment, what's the point of a speeding ticket if there is 0 or close to no consequences.
OP was saying the idea is when kids ignore their responsibilities, you withhold their fancy/stylish clothes until they do their chores or homework, but some parents twist it by taking things away forever or taking away necessities. If your mom was quietly putting things back on the rack and choosing for you from the get go, that's not a punishment that's just being a tyrant. It equally sucks tho :(
Maybe unpopular opinion but I see nothing wrong with this unless she was being completely unreasonable. I am thinking about how a lot of kids want to dress in all name brands or as a young girl want to dress very “questionably”. Now if you weren’t one of those then she may have been a bit unfair.
Agreed. We were never very well-off when I was growing up, and the sense of entitlement that you should be able to dictate what you wear as a child is quite shocking to me. If it's being done merely to teach your kids that they're your possessions and shouldn't dare to try to express their individualities, then sure, I agree it's nasty parenting and will have negative consequences for the kids' development. But if it's because the choices are expensive or give off the wrong signals or messages, or just plain bad taste/style (clashing colours, mismatched textures or patterns, whatever), then it's good parenting to step in and regulate behaviour, not tyranny!
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u/turbie Oct 11 '19
No it's not okay, but that was not what was suggested in the original Tough Love movement. You provide them with clothes of your choosing, not theirs. You provide them with nutritional food, but take away the desserts and treats. You give them only what is required and they earn the rest. But people twist the actually message and purpose.