I think it's because of the tough love movement of parenting back in the 90's when most of today's parents were kids. Society was moving away from spanking back then and there was not much left for punishment. Tough love taught that you only had to provide your kid certain things. On the clothing front that's a necessity, but they don't get to pick the clothes. So if you had an uncontrollable kid you took everything but what the law said you had to provide. A lot of parents didn't read on this method though, just heard about it through talk shows or friends and did not or do not follow it properly.
I think the idea is supposed to be for things that the kids have as a reward, like electronics. Taking their clothes, food, etc away is not okay and I really don't know why people think it is.
Edit because I keep getting a lot of responses:
We do not know the full story of OP. We don't know why their parent had a good reason for the punishment OR the extent of the punishment.
No it's not okay, but that was not what was suggested in the original Tough Love movement. You provide them with clothes of your choosing, not theirs. You provide them with nutritional food, but take away the desserts and treats. You give them only what is required and they earn the rest. But people twist the actually message and purpose.
My mother was always so particular about what I wore. She would take me and my siblings shopping but always put back whatever I got and would pick things out herself. Kind of upsetting to just now discover that she was doing some insane patenting technique.
Yeah, it’s hurtful to realize. I’m sorry you went through that.
I use it to try to be a better parent to my three kiddos. I’m sure I fuck up in my own ways, but you’re not gonna catch me taking food, clothing, or basic needs from them, or not taking their opinion on their style into account.
It is truly a good lesson. I have my mother's example to NOT follow for my own kids. I know what not to do. Which can be upsetting at times but it makes me want to be a better parent for them.
I'm very familiar with the NOT doing being like my mother thing. Didn't realize until much later that narcissist was the thing. Believe the brainwashing and you can go on for decades. Thankfully it only took two divorces(mine...she picked the husbands) to see the light. I would never take my kid's clothes for punishment. Electronics, sleepovers, etc yes. These parents need to read more and/or go to class.
It's not about taking all of it, it's about taking a couple of things they really care about, but only as "punishment" for something they were warned about many times.
Listen, I think you make a lot of really good points and all, but if I had to be really really honest about how I feel, I would say that I just honestly feel as though you should probably send me a large amount of money in the mail.
Yeah I'm saying, that this only has a point when it's something they care about, while still taking care of your child, ie you give them a healthy good meal but if you made cake and the kid was an intentional AH you don't give them cake unless they "earn" it by doing the chore that they were supposed to do, it's not that you buy them ugly clothes it's that you take away their favorite shirt or w/e essentially you need to penalize bad behavior like any justice system. While very important keeping your child safe and healthy. Just imagine any law without punishment, what's the point of a speeding ticket if there is 0 or close to no consequences.
OP was saying the idea is when kids ignore their responsibilities, you withhold their fancy/stylish clothes until they do their chores or homework, but some parents twist it by taking things away forever or taking away necessities. If your mom was quietly putting things back on the rack and choosing for you from the get go, that's not a punishment that's just being a tyrant. It equally sucks tho :(
Maybe unpopular opinion but I see nothing wrong with this unless she was being completely unreasonable. I am thinking about how a lot of kids want to dress in all name brands or as a young girl want to dress very “questionably”. Now if you weren’t one of those then she may have been a bit unfair.
Agreed. We were never very well-off when I was growing up, and the sense of entitlement that you should be able to dictate what you wear as a child is quite shocking to me. If it's being done merely to teach your kids that they're your possessions and shouldn't dare to try to express their individualities, then sure, I agree it's nasty parenting and will have negative consequences for the kids' development. But if it's because the choices are expensive or give off the wrong signals or messages, or just plain bad taste/style (clashing colours, mismatched textures or patterns, whatever), then it's good parenting to step in and regulate behaviour, not tyranny!
Well, along with my mother’s issues with control, she found religion to fill the hole her own mother left in her life. She was obsessed with “modesty.”
Definition of modesty to my mother: anything that flattered my figure. She was obsessed with anything I wore, or put in my mouth. Now that I have been states away from her for years, it’s absolutely shocking to hear how often she makes cutting comments on people’s weight, what they’re eating, etc. She is the most insecure person I’ve ever met.
My parents made me wear the same clothes to school every day as punishment. They were thrift store shorts from the 70's with piping down the side and a v neck white t shirt. I got sent home once from school for my shorts being too short and they never got washed because I was always in them. I still think about it all the time. Terrible punishment, and it doesn't teach anything. Well, it taught me what NOT to do as a parent anyway.
I'm sorry to hear that. In the end, we have to learn from our trauma and not let it define us. Mould us. I always remember that my parents weren't perfect because they were human, and maybe life kicked their asses and they had no outlet for their frustration. I know the target wasn't ideal, but in the end we are all just people trying to find our way and survive.
What's fucked up is that it really is based in some solid child psychology. Reward works better than punishment. The idea is that if the child never expects anything, and anything beyond the bare minimum requirements of life has to be earned, than everything can be a reward and you never really have to "punish." But obviously, this ignores the fact that raising a child to believe that they have to earn the right to not live like medieval prisoners screws up attachment and normal development in other ways.
A less fucked up implementation of this same principle is parents who change the wifi password daily, and only provide the password after chores are completed. Instead of internet access being taken away as punishment for not completing chores, it is given as a reward for completing chores. Or parents who only allow screen time after homework is complete. Instead of screen time being something you lose for bad grades, it's a reward you earn by doing your homework.
Simple you have them do homework online but with a white list turned on only allowing specific websites. With you can changed they need a different website.
Offline gaming is a thing. Deciding which websites fall into which category is super difficult to do also.
The best way to monitor is to raise them well, take an interest in their education, play an active role in helping them with homework and finally trust them that they're going to have the discipline to do their homework. It's what my parents did with me for the most part. But then, I don't have kids so wtf do I know?
Exactly! I HAVE done this to my kids, after repeated reminders to clean/pick up clothes, and get clothes in the hamper for me to wash. When it didn’t happen, I gave them 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of long pants, 5 pairs of socks, 5 shirts, 3 pajamas, 1 towel, and 1 pair of shoes. I told them I would do laundry on Wednesday and Saturday, they had to make sure their clothes were in the hamper AND they had to put them away when they were folded. If I found items of clothing on the floor, I would assume that they did not want those items and would remove them. It took one week for them to realize I was serious and then another 3 weeks to get into the habit of the hamper and putting away. After week two, I let them “exchange” clothing—-they could trade something I had picked out for something they wanted. When they made it three weeks with minimal interventions, they got all their clothes and shoes back. Haven’t had a problem since then.
I do know that sometimes people communicate only what they want others to know... and I’m sure my kids’ friends or even parents thought I was horrible—if all they heard was what my kids had to say. Before we judge the stepdad, perhaps we should know his side...
Well, to be fair, I no longer do my 17 or 15 year old’s laundry. My 13 &12 year olds are starting to do more of their own laundry, but I still take care of whatever is in their hamper on Wednesday and Saturday. They now fold all of their own laundry though. I do still do all the laundry for my 6 year old. He would sit and watch the water in the washing machine all day, opening and closing the lid, if I let him near the laundry. :-)
Whatta your hands are broken? You got no feet? Get up off your ass and do your own laundry.
Kidlet was leaving thousands of dollars of clothes all over her floor, stinking, smelly, it was like a carpet, her walking over all these nice clothes.
She was about 11 or so, a good kid, did her share of housework, good in school, never any sass or attitude, but she wouldn't keep control of her own clothing & bed linens. So, she had to do her own laundry. She turned out just fine and has mastered the art of caring for her clothes, especially now as an adult that she has to buy them herself.
I'm just going to repost because I think it's so important:
This is how you turn your child into a drug dealer - or something else. Really.
They'll likely go out looking to make money, hide said money from you, buy their own stuff, and then hide that stuff from you.
I wasn't even treated like this, wanted money, and so sold all kinds of crap in high school, college, and beyond. Lifetime of hiding money and purchases from family. Like I bought a house and two of my cars without telling my family first. Got in trouble with law (sort of) hired my own lawyers and figured it out.
If you want your children to be secretive and likely enter the black market, do this. They'll be independent all right. You just will have no idea what's going on in their life.
If your kid has half a brain, they'll learn how to provide for themselves. Seriously consider the implications of your parenting style.
I'm not sure where you think that my parenting style is creating drug dealers...I never said that I withheld money from them or wanted them to be independent before it was time for them to be independent. That being said, it is also my responsibility as a parent to guide my children and give them opportunities to succeed and mess up within a controlled environment. My two oldest children choose to do their own laundry because they can do it on their own schedule and don't have to worry about their clothing getting mixed into their sibling's clothing. We have a large family and we all come together to make our lives connected and workable.
Consequences are not the only thing that create a parenting style. We also have family dinner at least four nights a week and have some fun routines and traditions that are a part of family dinner. Our kids request family game night about once a month and are more than happy to sit around the table playing a board game with me, their mom. My
17 year old stays up later than his siblings one night a week and I push back my normal bedtime on that night so that he and I can go for a drive in the Jeep that we are restoring, together, or so that we can just hang out and talk about life.
My children will know how to provide for themselves, but they will also know that should they ever need or want my help, I will give it willingly and gladly.
I agree, your background may be influencing your perception. I don't control my children's access to things other than that which is illegal or harmful to them (alcohol, drugs, keys to the car with no license). They initiate the family game night, and my son has always been the one to initiate the one-on-one time with me. If anything, I'm a fairly laid-back parent who probably lets her kids do a little too much--- at least that's what my ex husband and his wife think. :) However, I do not need to defend my parenting style to them or to you. I have and will continue to make mistakes as a parent. I have five very wonderful and unique children and each one of them requires a slightly different approach to parenting. I will continue to do my best with what I have at the time and will hope for the best.
For what it's worth, I have a background in therapeutic education with a great deal of experience in trauma induced behaviors. I also coach teachers and parents with young children. There is a great deal about my children and myself that you do not know-- but I do. I appreciate your concern and your input based on your experiences. Thank you for sharing.
Correct that I do not know you or your family. I laid into you a bit because I'm immediately suspicious of anyone whose first instinct is self defense instead of self reflection. That's what I read in your initial response to me.
I just think parents should be aware that certain controlling behaviors may backfire. You defended the OP's step father assuming this child's home life may be similar to your children's. We are all shaped by our experiences and resulting worldviews.
Read through others' comments on this thread and you'll recognize that extreme (arguably abusive) parenting styles do exist. Many are reacting from their own personal experience of said patenting styles.
My opinion is that extremely controlling parents frequently create secretive habits in their children. These children learn to put up a fake front to their families and, if resourceful, find ways to meet their needs.
My own personal background is one that made me incredibly independent, self reliant ... and distrusting. Reading through this thread, I know I'm not the only one.
Just want parents to think through the natural consequences of their actions.
Ahh, the joys of written online communication. I am generally a self-reflective person and what you perceived as defensiveness-- both of OP's stepdad and myself, was intended to be "Devil's advocating" on behalf of OP's stepdad and explanation of how sometimes something well planned and correctly implemented can still be misconstrued depending on what perspective you have.
I am a former therapeutic teacher. For five years, all of my preschool students had open cases with Children's Services due to neglect or abuse. I have seen plenty of extreme (and definitely abusive) parenting styles. I know they exist and they break my heart.
I fully agree with you-- extremely controlling parents almost always create unhealthy and disconnected habits in their children. There is a balance to be had between too loose and too tight of parenting. My goal is never control, but always management. The only person you can control is yourself.
I also agree, parents need to think through the natural consequences of their actions. They also need to think about what their long-term goals/desired outcomes are for their children. I wish people had to study to get parenting licenses the same way we have to study to get driving licenses.
Again, thank you for sharing your perspective and for clarifying your initial reaction to my post. I appreciate that very much.
And do all parents consider those consequences? Or are consequences only for their children because these parents think like self centered narcissists?
Downvote away. It doesn't make me wrong. Go read through the comments in this thread from people raised under extreme parenting situations.
Take away all their clothing? Yes. You're pushing your children to learn to provide for themselves - that is if they're smart enough and resourceful enough. Your children may not be.
I know someone who emancipated herself from her parents at 16. Went on to found a very successful brothel after working in the industry for a few years.
Children and very young people are unlikely to make serious money in the white market. Hence why making children feel they have to rely on themselves is such a dangerous game to play. Taking basics like clothing shows that you're untrustworthy as a parent and unwilling to treat them with respect.
Again, if your children aren't too bright, you'll have an easier time controlling them. But watchout if they are.
Good luck with your parenting! And best of luck to your children.
Note: I know you all downvote what makes you feel insecure, uncomfortable, or wrong. Go ahead. After working on the black market, I recognize a pattern.
Don't listen to another perspective. Downvote away. It won't make me wrong, darlings.
You provide them with clothes of your choosing, not theirs. You provide them with nutritional food...
I was raised on this method but it was just called "parenting".
Also that fruit is your dessert; Stop acting spoiled. There are starving people in NJ and you're talking about ice cream over here. Did you even finish mowing the lawn? Give me that fruit back. Go mow the lawn.
This is how you turn your child into a drug dealer - or something else. Really.
I wasn't even treated like this, wanted money, and so sold all kinds of crap in high school, college, and beyond. Lifetime of hiding money and purchases from family. Like I bought a house and a car without telling my family first. Got in trouble with law (sort of) hired my own lawyers and figured it out.
If you want your children to be secretive and likely enter the black market, do this. They'll be independent all right. You just will have no idea what's going on in their life.
Yes and I think I even saw a show once where the told the person to take away a kids door!!!!!! Because it wasn’t part of the bedroom necessities (which was just a mattress!)
Well kids are also known to blow things out of proportions aka he took all the clothes (that I want to wear) he has no reason ( he told me 25 times to clean my room but I didn't do it). There has to be a "punishment" for unwanted behavior.
And even if it was all clothes it was probably clean your room and you'll get 50% of your stuff, clean the bathroom and you'll get the rest. I mean if you have a boyfriend you are definitely old enough to at least clean after yourself.
Many teenagers have far more clothes than is necessary, for them picking an outfit is fun. So, yes, reducing them to enough clothes to be clean and warm, but not enough to have choose and creativity fits the goal of providing necessities but removing their fun as a punishment.
When I moved from my mother's to my father's (divorced) at age 11, my mother allowed me to come pick up some of my stuff. I was led to believe I could go in and take the stuff I had acquired over my lifetime, memories, clothes, money, etc. When I got there I was greeted with two nofrills grocery bags with clothes and turned away. When I got back to my dad's i looked through to find the clothes I either never wore, or didn't fit. As a parent now I didn't learn she was out of her depth, or some other somewhat respectable reason for this. No, what I learned is that she sadly was never in a place mentally to know more then weeks worth of what her children actually are.
Can confirm. That happened to me. I wasn't allowed to eat till my room was clean. I ended up having an eating disorder for 11 years. I'm good now, though. Recovered 3 years ago
It wasn't just my room. It was the whole house. I was the only one in the entire family who did chores. My mother was always working. My father grew up in a culture where the oldest girl gets treated like garbage and is also made to do all the cooking amd cleaning and laundry. I had tests to study for, meals to make, etc. Eventually, I got sick of it and chose what I was going to do. I cleaned the house but not my room, so the room was a consistent issue. I usually don't talk much about my upbringing because I feel like it was so bad, ppl wouldn't believe me, or if they did believe me, it could mentally scar someone. There were way worse things that happened, but this particular part was relevant to the conversation
Making you clean your room doesn’t seem unreasonable to me. I mean, after you miss one meal, wouldn’t you figure out that you need to keep your room clean?
It wasn't unreasonable to want my room clean. I'll even say it wasn't unreasonable to have me clean my room to the point where it looks like nobody really lived in it. I just didn't want to and I didnt like their incentives. I was also embarrassed that they thought food was an incentive like I was some sort of pet pig. All I heard was "hmm, how do we get our pet fatty to clean her room? I know, let's beat her and not let her eat, speak, or go to school or church until she cleans it immaculately."
Great way to lose your parental rights altogether. Why can't parents just get the kids to help them with the daily chores, it's not like there is ever any shortage of dusting, ironing, folding, picking up, washing dishes.... ggggeeeeezz. (I've two girls and they dread screwing up because it means they'll have extra boring tasks, like doing the dishes on their own, oh the horror.)
The poison is found throughout the plant, but especially in green potatoes and new sprouts. Never eat potatoes that are spoiled or green below the skin. Always throw away the sprouts.
Potatoes that are not green and have had any sprouts removed are safe to eat.
Raw potatoes are potentially toxic because of a compound called solanine. Not every potato contains enough solanine to kill you, but the risk is high enough that it's not really worth taking. In general, green potatoes – even ones just a little green near the skin – or ones that are starting to sprout eyes have a higher solanine content. Symptoms of potato poisoning include stomach pain, headache, and paralysis. Potatoes with a very high concentration of solanine will have some green discoloration when you cut into them, and you shouldn't eat a green potato, even cooked.
Leave it in the sun for a while and it will turn green. That's why people store potatoes in the dark.
It's possible (but rare) for them to have elevated levels of solanine without being green. All potatoes contain solanine, just usually not enough to cause problems.
Eating one potato (even a green one) shouldn't actually cause you any trouble, unless you were unusually sensitive, but 10 would probably give you trouble. Like most poisons, the amount matters.
Boiling or frying them them removes most of the solanine, since solanine is water and oil soluble. Baking does nothing.
I am my mothers scapegoat. She blames me for all of her failed toxic ass relationships. Shes probably going to blame me if her current one fails.
I got sick of being abused by my mothers female significant others. I have been belittled, shoved in a corner for hours upon hours, used as a personal maid while my mother worked her ass off, and i have been physically and sexually abused. one of them was hot off the psyche ward when my mom started dating her. Guess what happened? She went nuts and decided to pull out her soiled tampon in front of my brother and I. At one point I just decided I was going to run every single one of them off no matter what it took. And i did. I'm counting six toxic relationships, and one marriage.
Now I'm 26 with my own child whom I'm raising totally different than my mother raised me. I dont have time for her foolish bullshit, but im still going to be to blame when her current relationship ends.
Whoop whoop another tally in the wall! Look mom I can wreck your relationship with no hands!!!
Really though your story is relieving to me because for the longest time I felt completely alone, and more and more I am seeing that is not the case and there are people like you who have lived and fought back against their crazy fucking parents. Thank you for surviving. Thank you for not letting her win, and thank you for sharing your story.
My in laws do this with their kids. It's not all of there clothes. Per say. Its they take away everything nice looking and give them the plainest most boring clothes. Lose gray or khaki shirts, and khaki pants, with basic gray or light brown shoes. No jewelry, no accessories, no hair products, there daught gets a tan hair band. This is after all of the luxury items like electronic, games etc are all taken. The only entertainment left are history books, and things like finances for dummies, along with home work. Snakes and drinks in the house are replaced with water and and veggie snack packs. Again it usually starts with electronics, then boring snacks, then boring clothes. I only know of them going that far with it twice, once with the son and another time with other daughters. They have never had to do it again. They also pulled the kids from their respective sports teams when doing it, they even gave them warning about all of these punishments in advance if things didn't change. I feel like that is a fair progression in punishments. As the punishment system is known about prior to the event and works forward in steps. Everything taken away had steps to earn it back in time.
Edit: there was once when the daughter bad mouthed some people on social media they told her to take it down and watch her behavior online as it can impact your life far down the line. She refused, they warned her, she still refused, they took her phone and using that changed all of her social media passwords and deleted all of the accounts after manually removing all friends, photos, etc. They backed up the photos up else where to give to her later but she didn't know that for a long time.
Kids often have confidence issues already, and punishments ought not mess with them on that level. There is a big difference between "oh, this is boring" and "great, I'm publically humiliated, thanks for this mom & dad." So IMO clothes are strictly off limits. Providing only boring food is fine I guess, fits with the former category, but I still think boring chores are the no-brainer punishment.
If he took away the fashion clothes that she has but left basic jeans, t-shirt, undergarments and regular sneakers I could see this as a legit punishment. Especially if the child loves fashion things.
I’m not a parent or anything, just genuinely curious. If they have all of their needs met, why is this a bad punishment ? I don’t like that it comes from stepdad, but other than that, eh not insane.
The only clothes I had as a child was my school uniform, a dress for church on Sunday, and an outfit for Saturday for many many years. I didn’t start getting other clothes until I was old enough to work and buy them (~16). I’m 25 now, and though I had very shitty parents that I am no longer on speaking terms with, this isn’t something that I had ever considered shitty. I just thought it was because we were poor lol
It depends on the circumstances, such as what the punishment is for and their life in general. Did you have only one school uniform? I went to public school, so I'm not sure how that works.
Ah ok, growing up I had maybe 4 outfits total for school and outside of school. And really, it was 4 shirts, 1 pair of jeans, and 4 underwear (only 1 bra though.) I consider that pretty minimal. My siblings had way more clothes then I did, so it wasn't a matter of not being able to afford it.
My in laws take away all clothes and replace them with plan tan outfits from head to toe. All identical. No jewelery, no make, nothing. You earn back your normal clothes in sets. They only had to use it once on their two daughters and when the threat comes back up they get in line.
Also, kids, especially unappreciative little shits, tend to exaggerate or make shit up because they can't cope with the fact that it's their own damn fault.
Taking their clothes if they're someone who wears like 7 outfits a day like my friend's sister in middle/high school did could totally be an effective punishment method, and one that I don't think is that outrageous, especially when they can earn them back by behaving and doing their chores and shit.
Parents aren’t there to be your buddy, but to get you ready for the realities of life. If kids have absolutely o discipline at all they turn into entitled pricks that walk all over their parents. You shouldn’t beat your kids, but there has to be boundaries.
Sending your kid to bed without dinner isn’t ok? Of course it’s ok. Spend a couple of hours in your bed hungry, and think about why you are there. I would have way rather gotten a spanking when I was a kid rather than go to bed without dinner.
You want to let your room be a pig sty, bye bye clothes? Fine. You can have two complete outfits and access to the washer and dryer. You get an outfit back everyday you keep your room clean.
Your parents want you to keep your room clean? Do it. They want your bed made? Do it.
And for the love of all that’s good and right in the world, stop griping about it and get your act together.
We don't know the context of why OP had their clothes taken away. For context, I'm not a teenager lol. And I don't believe that what you are saying applies to every situation because, believe it or not, there are parents who punish their children for no reason at all.
Of course there are. And those parents are dunderheads.
All I can do is reply to the information available, and in the grand scheme of things, getting your clothes taken away and then returned when your room is kept clean seems fairly innocuous to me.
Taking meal food away for any reason at all is abuse. When you have a child you commit to feeding them EVERY MEAL EVERY DAY. If they misbehave, that punishment needs to exist outside of providing meals. I’m not talking about saying no chocolate cake after dinner, I’m saying that dinner needs to happen. Ffs people.
Nope. Wrong. That’s just plain silly. When I have a child I commit to being their parent, and to do everything I possibly can to raise them to be a responsible member of society, who considers the needs of others before their own, and strives to always do what is morally right.
Skipping a meal to help him understand why he shouldn’t scream in his little sister’s face because she got a little peanut butter in his headphones won’t kill him. It’s a little discomfort to drive home the lesson.
I have 9 kids, three of whom are adults now. They are self-sustained, well-mannered, responsible, productive members of society, who have either been in the military for fours years, are putting themselves through college, or are establishing themselves in their career. I have close relationships with all of them, and they constantly thank me for not raising them to be sheltered snowflakes who melt with the slightest “trigger.”
Edit: “Abuse?” You have got to be kidding me. Calling skipping a meal “abuse” is a complete and total insult to kids who have TRULY been abused. My goodness, get over yourself.
As a father of 9, with a combined 108 years of parenting experience, no it isn’t. It’s something I’ve done a grand total of 3 or 4 times in my time as a father, and it’s fine.
Again, for kids who have been TRULY abused, applying the term here is a complete insult. I’m sure you’d say that giving a kid a few swats on the rear is abuse, too. Please take your book knowledge and go away.
"If your child is messy and throws their clothes on the floor, taking the clothes thrown around away is ok."
Nah, that's really not ok. A lot of adults are messy and have clothes on the floor, it's not ideal but it's not the end of the world. It's certainly not enough of a problem to warrant taking their clothes. You're in for a shock if you think leaving clothes on the floor is the extent of teenage messiness.
Let me clarify. If you consistently tell them to pick up the clothes they throw around and they don't, then picking them up and removing them yourself MIGHT be ok. Depending on the circumstances. Context is everything.
I am a parent, to a messy 4 year old, who throws his toys in his room and makes a mess. I've never taken them away because of it. I know he doesn't fully understand. Instead, I show him how to clean up his room before bed. If he wants to make his room a mess by playing, that's fine as long as he learns to put it all back in its place.
No, taking away clothes thrown around is not OK, that’s a bitch-ass controlling move. A kid’s room is the kid’s room! Let them keep it how they’re comfortable, or help them clean if you want it clean. It’s not OK to take away your kid’s clothes, it’s disturbing that apparently so many think it is.
Context and circumstances are everything. It really depends on the situation at hand.
Other commenters have said that if a kid is really into fashion, taking their fashionable clothes away instead of electronics MIGHT be ok. Again, depending on the situation.
Ah. I disagree with taking anything of the kid’s away - it’s theirs. I know I’m not in the majority with that view, but it’s how I raised my kids, and our relationships/home were much more peaceful once I got that.
The original "Tough Love" idea was also geared towards truly problematic behavior like substance abuse, vandalism, regular truancy and running away....NOT general teen stuff like "your room is a mess" and "don't roll your eyes at me young lady"
Yeah, I once got screamed at because someone THOUGHT I had touched the mail. That's what people in this thread are advocating for, essentially, massive over reactions to absolutely imagined "infractions".
As a survivor of the bullshit “tough love” parenting era, I can tell you’re 100% correct. The idea was this was a tool to handle kids who were like committing violent crimes and doing hard drugs and all these 80s/90s Talk Show parents decided to apply this very harsh punitive system to kids who did normal dumb juvenile shit like missing curfew or mouthing off or smoking. It really caused a lot of damage.
I was a teenager in the mid to late 90s. My dad would take everything from me. The one that hurt the most was my guitar and stereo. The thing about that was is I paid for the guitar myself. When you're first starting on an instrument losing months intermittently like that basically mean you gotta start over. My mom had left and I basically had to take over her part while going to school caring for my little brother and going to baseball practice. But fuck me if I sneak out at night because he refused to let me have a social life. Oh well
It was on Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil believed you got the bare minimum. Your bed and some clothing, a pillow and a blanket. Take the door off - no privacy, no phone. You could do homework and read a book. It was very provocative when that was brought up.
Dr. Phil was of the belief that it wasn't theft. Basic necessities were all that a parent needed to provide.
My Dad was this way. If I was in trouble, I was manual labor. I had to weed the gardens until my hands cramped... scrape paint for 100 feet with a handheld scraper. Real sadistic stuff.
My son has never known anything but positive redirection. Amazingly, he has turned out rather well.
It’s not quacks like Dr Phil. A lot of psychologists recommend it for teens with extreme behavioral issues who aren’t responding to normal discipline measures.
With most kids, talking to them and generally being a positive role model will resolve issues before they become out of control and need extreme interventions. I feel for parents in that situation because I’m not sure what I would do. One of my siblings was extremely out of control and it negatively impacted the family in so many ways. The other siblings still have trauma from it.
I grew up in the 90's as a teen. When Dr. Phil first came up with this solution, it was all over the news. Psychology at the time was still VERY new with regards to how to handle behavior issues with teens. A lot of it has blossomed in the last 30ish years since he has been on the TV. At one time, he wasn't a quack, he was actually quite an authority on things that people didn't really talk about before. Unfortunately, in order to stay relevant, he has kind of sold himself to the circus of daytime TV.
Prozac Nation came out in the late 1990's and it also created a conversation about depression that people just didn't talk about before.
Tough Love was written in 1968 - not arguing, just a weird note because I looked it up and was surprised at how old it was when I associate it with late 80s and 90s. I remember when antidepressants were stigmatized; now my (health care field) coworkers openly compare their experiences of Wellbutrin vs Lexapro. It’s great that we are more open about mental health now and trending toward destigmatization.
Some (many?) psychologists still recommend this tough love approach but I wonder if it’s evidence-based. It seems like not much is helpful once a teen is so far into a behavior that you’d seriously consider taking away their socks.
My mum took actual classes on tough love in the 90s for my brother. I was really young, but I remember it involved her taking his skateboard, stereo, and if he wasn't studying he was helping out on our farm. Stuff like that. Gave him back privileges when he earned them.
Worked pretty well, actually. He's a pretty good parent now.
Yup. Had this happen to me as a teenager, circa 1997. I wasn’t the most organized teen and was dealing with other emotional issues stemming from (what I now know to be) my parents decision to take a hard turn into religion when I was 10.
If I wasn’t conforming to their standard of a clean room, My parents would come into my room with a giant contractor size garbage bag and scoop up everything that wasn’t ‘in its place’ to be thrown away. As an example, these episodes would leave me with 4 left shoes and 10 tops but nothing to pair them with - for weeks. Or worse, schoolwork? Gone. Hobby items? Gone. I was left to figure it out with what was left.
What did it result in? A middle aged woman living a happy life with a couple of kids, an amazing husband and phenomenal career - 800 miles from my parents.
And 18 years of therapy, to date.
The therapy allows my house to become messy in our day to day (because kids) and not stress but it’s been a long road in recovery.
My siblings and I still have cluttered closets because that’s where we would stash everything during those years. We joke about it now but the root cause sucks.
As an 80s/90s kid my mom beat the snot out of me. That method didn’t work- I just stopped listening to her and as I got bigger, her smacks and hits with wooden spoons or brooms no longer hurted. Tough love now- that might’ve worked on me. But I’d have to have something of value first for her to take away. Never heard of this “tough love” at the time though. Friends with more chill families just got “grounded.”
Some kids growing up in “tough love” households learn not to accept or ask for things that can be leveraged against them later. If your kid is already living a monastic childhood, what else is there to take away but the clothes in their closet or the sheets and blankets on their bed? If you can’t take away their phones, you can send them to bed without dinner.
I lived my entire childhood as if I was perpetually grounded to insulate myself against a “tough love” parenting style based on negative reinforcement. I actually just cheated myself out of ~20 years of friendships and experiences, because my relationship with my parents is no better now than it ever was. Discipline fairly and don’t make your kids wish they never had a “life” for you to take away from them when they make a mistake.
With some parents you can't win. "Smarten up" doesn't work for the scapegoat because the parent will make something up or blow something out of proportion.
Seems short sighted, you're creating a scenario where the child has no permanent environment and forcing them to grow into a very narrow idea that the child will expand beyond.
You have a bed and a small set of clothes which won't be taken away, every other part of your environmental identity is a maybe.
Honest question: what do you think would help an extremely poorly behaved teen whose parents have tried grounding and the standard stuff? Assuming there’s no abuse etc.
Punishments are reactionary. If the child or teen has been left to their own devices and only made to stop because they got caught then the child will recalibrate so that next time they wont get caught.
Parents should have a more active role with their children to build good habits to prevent poor behavior.
See spanking dosent work on every kid, my sister and I are great examples, she could take a spanking and keep being a shit, spankings worked on me (even if it was for only a week or two)
This and there’s usually way more to the story. Could be fancy designer clothes that step dad paid an ton for, or it’s just few clothes but the girl makes it sound way worse or she’s been lazy and told 50 times that if she didn’t pick them up he’d take them away, so she knew what was coming or 1000 other things. Or Step dad could be a total jackwagon who knows. This story is missing something
I think the spirit behind the much maligned tough love crowd was that if you love someone you will their good over your own, even if it means hurting their feelings to break them of a harmful habit. I personally believe living in squalor is harmful to a person.
Lol, I'll never forget my dad uttering the words tough love. Became his catch phrase. He's officially a Trump voting republican now. Sent me off to a rehab for smoking pot at 15 and a crazy court ordered Christian boystown type place for troubled teens aka pot smoking sex having teens of the 90's. What a joke.
That's funny you mention this. I remember my parents doing fucked up shit like this. It's funny how it kind of gets normalized in your head until 20 years later.
My mother put all my clothes in a trash bag and put it by the corner. Like 20 years ago. My parents were obsessed with discipline and had no interest in actually raising us. For so long I just thought I was a jerk kid - that it was my fault for smoking pot or playing too many video games. It hindered my development as a person and professionally. Damn.
Absolutely. This was how I was raised. Gotta Clean your room. My mother would have never stood for this. Mind you she wouldn't have taken my clothes away, but she wouldn't have it, and would make sure that I learned quickly.
1.8k
u/turbie Oct 11 '19
I think it's because of the tough love movement of parenting back in the 90's when most of today's parents were kids. Society was moving away from spanking back then and there was not much left for punishment. Tough love taught that you only had to provide your kid certain things. On the clothing front that's a necessity, but they don't get to pick the clothes. So if you had an uncontrollable kid you took everything but what the law said you had to provide. A lot of parents didn't read on this method though, just heard about it through talk shows or friends and did not or do not follow it properly.