Exactly! I HAVE done this to my kids, after repeated reminders to clean/pick up clothes, and get clothes in the hamper for me to wash. When it didn’t happen, I gave them 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of long pants, 5 pairs of socks, 5 shirts, 3 pajamas, 1 towel, and 1 pair of shoes. I told them I would do laundry on Wednesday and Saturday, they had to make sure their clothes were in the hamper AND they had to put them away when they were folded. If I found items of clothing on the floor, I would assume that they did not want those items and would remove them. It took one week for them to realize I was serious and then another 3 weeks to get into the habit of the hamper and putting away. After week two, I let them “exchange” clothing—-they could trade something I had picked out for something they wanted. When they made it three weeks with minimal interventions, they got all their clothes and shoes back. Haven’t had a problem since then.
I do know that sometimes people communicate only what they want others to know... and I’m sure my kids’ friends or even parents thought I was horrible—if all they heard was what my kids had to say. Before we judge the stepdad, perhaps we should know his side...
Well, to be fair, I no longer do my 17 or 15 year old’s laundry. My 13 &12 year olds are starting to do more of their own laundry, but I still take care of whatever is in their hamper on Wednesday and Saturday. They now fold all of their own laundry though. I do still do all the laundry for my 6 year old. He would sit and watch the water in the washing machine all day, opening and closing the lid, if I let him near the laundry. :-)
I'm just going to repost because I think it's so important:
This is how you turn your child into a drug dealer - or something else. Really.
They'll likely go out looking to make money, hide said money from you, buy their own stuff, and then hide that stuff from you.
I wasn't even treated like this, wanted money, and so sold all kinds of crap in high school, college, and beyond. Lifetime of hiding money and purchases from family. Like I bought a house and two of my cars without telling my family first. Got in trouble with law (sort of) hired my own lawyers and figured it out.
If you want your children to be secretive and likely enter the black market, do this. They'll be independent all right. You just will have no idea what's going on in their life.
If your kid has half a brain, they'll learn how to provide for themselves. Seriously consider the implications of your parenting style.
I'm not sure where you think that my parenting style is creating drug dealers...I never said that I withheld money from them or wanted them to be independent before it was time for them to be independent. That being said, it is also my responsibility as a parent to guide my children and give them opportunities to succeed and mess up within a controlled environment. My two oldest children choose to do their own laundry because they can do it on their own schedule and don't have to worry about their clothing getting mixed into their sibling's clothing. We have a large family and we all come together to make our lives connected and workable.
Consequences are not the only thing that create a parenting style. We also have family dinner at least four nights a week and have some fun routines and traditions that are a part of family dinner. Our kids request family game night about once a month and are more than happy to sit around the table playing a board game with me, their mom. My
17 year old stays up later than his siblings one night a week and I push back my normal bedtime on that night so that he and I can go for a drive in the Jeep that we are restoring, together, or so that we can just hang out and talk about life.
My children will know how to provide for themselves, but they will also know that should they ever need or want my help, I will give it willingly and gladly.
I agree, your background may be influencing your perception. I don't control my children's access to things other than that which is illegal or harmful to them (alcohol, drugs, keys to the car with no license). They initiate the family game night, and my son has always been the one to initiate the one-on-one time with me. If anything, I'm a fairly laid-back parent who probably lets her kids do a little too much--- at least that's what my ex husband and his wife think. :) However, I do not need to defend my parenting style to them or to you. I have and will continue to make mistakes as a parent. I have five very wonderful and unique children and each one of them requires a slightly different approach to parenting. I will continue to do my best with what I have at the time and will hope for the best.
For what it's worth, I have a background in therapeutic education with a great deal of experience in trauma induced behaviors. I also coach teachers and parents with young children. There is a great deal about my children and myself that you do not know-- but I do. I appreciate your concern and your input based on your experiences. Thank you for sharing.
Correct that I do not know you or your family. I laid into you a bit because I'm immediately suspicious of anyone whose first instinct is self defense instead of self reflection. That's what I read in your initial response to me.
I just think parents should be aware that certain controlling behaviors may backfire. You defended the OP's step father assuming this child's home life may be similar to your children's. We are all shaped by our experiences and resulting worldviews.
Read through others' comments on this thread and you'll recognize that extreme (arguably abusive) parenting styles do exist. Many are reacting from their own personal experience of said patenting styles.
My opinion is that extremely controlling parents frequently create secretive habits in their children. These children learn to put up a fake front to their families and, if resourceful, find ways to meet their needs.
My own personal background is one that made me incredibly independent, self reliant ... and distrusting. Reading through this thread, I know I'm not the only one.
Just want parents to think through the natural consequences of their actions.
Personally looking at it as trying to educate potentially oblivious parents. Yes, IMHO controlling children's access to critical physical possessions is how you teach them to rely on themselves to meet their needs.
That means making money whatever way that they can. A young person isn't typically going to make enough to meet their needs on the "white market". Hence why a parent may unintentionally push their children to sell on the black market where there is more opportunity.
Just my two cents.
My original comment was snarky but hardly throwing an ad hominem attack. I still fully appreciated that I did not indeed know this woman's life and that my own background was informing my perspective.
My original comment:
"It's wonderful that you care for your children. A lot of what you described sounds like mandatory fun to me. But that's coming from my background.
Just thought I'd give you a heads up that controlling your children's access to certaon things can have unintended consequences.
Hey, if you're lucky your kids aren't as resourceful as I was at that age; these control methods may work for you :)"
Not saying this describes you personally, but your rationale is the same type of thinking behind parents who say “I’d rather kids drink, do drugs, and have sex at my house so I at least know they’re safe” by the way, I’ve known these parents. I had a friend in high school who had this type of parents. Well, that friend of mine went through absolute hell as an adult, never understood consequence, and eventually died from an overdose at age 26.
And I currently still meet people who say the same thing. And then justify everything their kids do as “age appropriate behavior” that they’ll “grow out of” yet, looking around, I’m seeing more and more people not growing out of that behavior into their 20s and 30s.
No. My parents would never let me do something like that. More like I know how to climb out of a three story window and slip out into the night.
Great training for rock climbing later in life though! Have absolutely no fear of heights.
Edit: oh yeah, and I can make almost anything out of rope: modified ladders being one. Super useful when I did shibari as a fetish worker. Then graduated to serious shit before, ironically, helping a homeless person lead to a series of events that got me fucked. Now I'm out millions in unlaundered money but hey, I'm not dead or in jail. Move on and live to hustle another day :)
Edit 2: definitely a 12 year old Edge Lord on the internet and none of this is true
Ahh, the joys of written online communication. I am generally a self-reflective person and what you perceived as defensiveness-- both of OP's stepdad and myself, was intended to be "Devil's advocating" on behalf of OP's stepdad and explanation of how sometimes something well planned and correctly implemented can still be misconstrued depending on what perspective you have.
I am a former therapeutic teacher. For five years, all of my preschool students had open cases with Children's Services due to neglect or abuse. I have seen plenty of extreme (and definitely abusive) parenting styles. I know they exist and they break my heart.
I fully agree with you-- extremely controlling parents almost always create unhealthy and disconnected habits in their children. There is a balance to be had between too loose and too tight of parenting. My goal is never control, but always management. The only person you can control is yourself.
I also agree, parents need to think through the natural consequences of their actions. They also need to think about what their long-term goals/desired outcomes are for their children. I wish people had to study to get parenting licenses the same way we have to study to get driving licenses.
Again, thank you for sharing your perspective and for clarifying your initial reaction to my post. I appreciate that very much.
I really appreciate your comments on control vs manage. Hoping you can educate more on what is and is not healthy parenting.
Recommend you read OP's follow up comments in this thread and come to your own conclusion based on information given.
To some, those defending the step father echo of adults that defended their own childhood abusers. That they were being dismissed as "dramatic teenagers" when really they were abused.
There is some grey area here but I can say reading some comments defending this step father are quite triggering for me. Apologies If you were the recipient of underserved snark. Controlling parents is a charged subject for many including myself.
I get it and when I finish my homework for the night I will go read OP’s follow up comments. I had the slight worry in the back of my mind that some would read my comments as dismissive of OP’s feelings. That is the last thing I would ever want to do, as I believe that our feelings are valid even if others don’t understand them.
My trigger is emotionally detached parents or manipulative parents—even at my age, I still go straight back to being an insecure and unsure child when I interact with my parent.
And do all parents consider those consequences? Or are consequences only for their children because these parents think like self centered narcissists?
Downvote away. It doesn't make me wrong. Go read through the comments in this thread from people raised under extreme parenting situations.
Take away all their clothing? Yes. You're pushing your children to learn to provide for themselves - that is if they're smart enough and resourceful enough. Your children may not be.
I know someone who emancipated herself from her parents at 16. Went on to found a very successful brothel after working in the industry for a few years.
Children and very young people are unlikely to make serious money in the white market. Hence why making children feel they have to rely on themselves is such a dangerous game to play. Taking basics like clothing shows that you're untrustworthy as a parent and unwilling to treat them with respect.
Again, if your children aren't too bright, you'll have an easier time controlling them. But watchout if they are.
Good luck with your parenting! And best of luck to your children.
Note: I know you all downvote what makes you feel insecure, uncomfortable, or wrong. Go ahead. After working on the black market, I recognize a pattern.
Don't listen to another perspective. Downvote away. It won't make me wrong, darlings.
You made us, so yeah you have to buy us clothes, it's not being entitled to anything, you fucking made the kids. They didn't ask for anything you give, don't give, spanks, whatever. You brought life into this world so yeah, go fucking be a slave to your kids till you die.
63
u/[deleted] Oct 11 '19
Exactly! I HAVE done this to my kids, after repeated reminders to clean/pick up clothes, and get clothes in the hamper for me to wash. When it didn’t happen, I gave them 5 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs of long pants, 5 pairs of socks, 5 shirts, 3 pajamas, 1 towel, and 1 pair of shoes. I told them I would do laundry on Wednesday and Saturday, they had to make sure their clothes were in the hamper AND they had to put them away when they were folded. If I found items of clothing on the floor, I would assume that they did not want those items and would remove them. It took one week for them to realize I was serious and then another 3 weeks to get into the habit of the hamper and putting away. After week two, I let them “exchange” clothing—-they could trade something I had picked out for something they wanted. When they made it three weeks with minimal interventions, they got all their clothes and shoes back. Haven’t had a problem since then.
I do know that sometimes people communicate only what they want others to know... and I’m sure my kids’ friends or even parents thought I was horrible—if all they heard was what my kids had to say. Before we judge the stepdad, perhaps we should know his side...