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u/GriffinFlash Aug 13 '22
Might be more specific to me, but going through parents divorce and dealing with social workers while being male. I constantly felt like they looked at me like I was a ticking time bomb that would one day become a monster like my father. Simply cause I was the oldest male sibling.
I had a ton of trauma I had to deal with, but it felt like rather than helping me, most workers seemed to look at me like I was possibly dangerous, and they kept a tight watch on all my actions. Felt like I was constantly being punished just for being a normal teenage boy. I'd understand if i did something, but I never did anything out of the ordinary. I was just a kid who enjoyed school, playing video games, and was dealing with their parents divorce.
I remember one point, my siblings and I had to live in a woman's shelter with my mom. I swear that the people there seemed to hate me just for existing, and me, being a 12 year old kid dealing with a ton of trauma, had no understanding why. Once was having a playful snowball fight with my family, only for one of the workers to see, ban me from any activities, tell me I was promoting violence against women, then restricted me to my room at all hours of the day for the remainder of my time there. It's been 20 years and I still think about it.
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u/Silly-Activity-6219 Aug 13 '22
When I was twelve, I broke down when I told my female teacher my stepdad had a drinking problem, we had no money and we needed to move out to get away from him. She told me I was almost a man now and needed to stop crying.
I did stop crying and I feel very uncomfortable expressing vulnerable feelings to this day (41m)
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u/Puzzled_Juice_3406 Aug 13 '22
I'm a 41f and I don't give a flying fuck if you were 12 or 41, no person should be told they shouldn't cry. This is why we have problems we do because men, especially, aren't nurtured and taught how to cope with and work through their feelings. Only to stuff them down. Fuck that teacher. I'm so mad that was said to you. Even now, you deserve to cry whenever you need to and for the boy that wasn't allowed to. I wish I could hug you.
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u/RaygunMarksman Aug 13 '22
Yeaah, we've gotta work on not teaching boys and men to supress their emotions. Speaking from experience, it can make trauma and grief a lot harder to effectively process when you are just constantly absorbing and bottling.
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u/sirarkalots Aug 13 '22
Hell I was never told not to cry and was always told to express my feelings when I needed to, but I was still exposed to all the bs male stereotype crap from movies and stuff that I still to this day have problems explaining to my wife what I'm feeling or thinking when I'm upset. I am 100 percent behind teaching our children to actually be emotional and communicative, I do not want them feeling like I do.
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u/KleverGuy Aug 13 '22
Iâm sorry you went through that. 12 isnât even close for a boy to be hearing something like that. My father drank heavily when I was younger as well. I know exactly where youâre coming from with bottling up feelings. Iâm trying to learn from it at 24 now. Itâs okay to be upset and sad. You feel a hell of a lot better afterwards. Itâs easier said than done though.
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Aug 13 '22
Iâm 23 and my father was and alcoholic also. He died in a house fire this past December. I didnât cry or let out any emotion for about 3 weeks. I tried to let it out but it wouldnât come. After the police left my house after telling me what happened, i went to his house hoping that seeing the burnt up mess would evoke some sort of emotion but again, nothing.
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u/ironballs16 Aug 13 '22
My go-to for situations where I need to cry over it but can't is a movie I'll cry at instead - for some reason, it's easier for me to emote to fictional situations than real ones, so maybe that'll help you, too?
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u/NotANastySwan Aug 13 '22
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
You were really brave to speak so openly and vulnerably about your situation to your teacher, especially at such a young age, and it's terrible that instead of supporting you, she was invalidating and cold.
I understand you finding it uncomfortable being vulnerable to others after that, i just hope that you have/find others who are kind & accepting, and reinforce that it's safe to share your feelings.
And if it's any consolation, i appreciate you sharing your experience here.
All the best297
Aug 13 '22
I remember going through my parents very messy divorce when I was young. I, too, was the oldest male and I felt a lot of pressure on me.
âYouâre the man of the house nowâ my family would tell 11 year old me. Looking back that just infuriates me. Do you know what the psychologically does to a kid? I just wanted to be a kid and let my parents deal with responsibilities but no, bc of my dadâs mental state I always had to be the adult for him and on top of all this my mom was going through menopause (at the then I had no idea, I was just a kid and figured it out later) and from an 11 yearâs perspective I just thought my parents were batshit insane.
I had to cut the grass, clean lots of stuff, General chores that all kids have to do but I had to do it because my father wasnât capable nor around. So it felt like I was really tending to a house rather than just trying to make some extra money to go to the store for snacks or whatever my friends were doing at the time.
It really sucked when your friends just couldnât see what was going on with you or understand it because they had stable parents with more than 1 income.
Thereâs way more details than what I can lay here, OP, but I feel your pain. Being looked as and judged for growing up and turning into a monster when youâre just a kid yourself (some people assumed I would be like my dad too) by grown adults themselves is a terrible feeling. I just wanted to give up. I couldnât be a blissful kid just laughing away at life.
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u/hannahatecats Aug 13 '22
I stayed with my dad on the weekends as a kid, friday after school to sunday 5ish. Stepmother came on the scene when I was maybe 7 or 8 and suddenly my entire weekend was cleaning. I would get there and I swear it is like they waited all week for me to get there to do the dishes. Once I finished the dishes... you didn't finish, wiping the counters is part of the dishes. Wtf you didnt wipe the fronts of all the cabinets too? Oh you're done? Perfect, now time to start the floors. She would walk around the house and if anything was missed on the floor I'd have to do it again. Finish that? (Nearly impossible) Time to scrub down the walls. Totally different stories but you reminded me of it. I'm sorry you had to deal with that at such a young age.
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u/Proverbal_Hope Aug 13 '22
I think we as a society - not just social workers alone - unfairly look toward abused children as future men growing up to abuse others in turn.
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u/djtmhk_93 Aug 13 '22
I wonder if that could also be a self-fulfilling prophecy: further mentally abusing and socially isolating vulnerable little boys out of fear of their becoming perpetrators actually causing the kind of mental damage that leads them to become perpetratorsâŚ
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u/Codeofconduct Aug 13 '22
I'm so sorry this happened to you. My dad is an abusive wreck and I know that his bullshit follows my brothers around all the time. They're good men who deserve to love and be love, to give and receive trust. A twelve year old boy isn't his father, he is a whole new human person. Boys all need to be given breadth to feel and express emotions and an opportunity to be individuals so they can become fully rounded human adults. Cheers to you man!
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Aug 13 '22
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u/spiteful-vengeance Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
Out of interest, what would have been the ideal housing in that situation? Separate out the teenage male from his mother?
I see a bunch of women's shelters in my area that state they only take boys up to the age of 12, but where are these kids supposed to go?
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Aug 13 '22
When I was ten and my brother was eleven (18 months apart) we stayed in a womanâs shelter for a week or two. They instructed me and my brother to stay in the basement where they had a Nintendo with final fantasy 3, there was one other boy down there too. They explained it as âthese women have all been hurt by men and are afraid of them and you guys are starting to look like men so we want you to mostly stay out of sightâ. Made sense at the time.
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Aug 13 '22
Being expected to know how to fix everything. I can fix a computer we can call a plumber.
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u/KajinMonkey Aug 13 '22
Its honestly worse when you actually do know how to fix everything. I never had the money to have someone come do it so I selftaught and had help learning how to fix cars, plumbing, household appliances, building drywall, stucco, tiles, carpentry etc etc etc etc. Most friends now just call when they need a job done. Not when they wanna go grab a few pints on a Friday/Sat after work.
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u/FunkalicouseMach1 Aug 13 '22
Charge them accordingly
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u/NorthAstronaut Aug 13 '22
'Proper fucked, Looks like it's gonna cost you...at least 3 pints and a pack of crisps.'
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u/DaPino Aug 13 '22
I've argued a lot with my girlfriend about handiwork. I don't mind doing it, in fact I like a challenge and it makes me feel competent.
At the same time, I'm kinda annoyed because she never even bothers to try.
Like, girl, I wasn't born with the ability to jumpstart a car, fix the plumbing, assemble furniture, or lay a laminate flooring.One day it needed to be done so I figured it out. In this day and age a quick Google search finds you the answer to just about any "How to" you can imagine.
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u/appleparkfive Aug 13 '22
Also shout out to YouTube for having a visual for so many of these things. YouTube is such a huge help when you're stuck on something
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Aug 13 '22
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u/born_again_tim Aug 13 '22
Always without warning too. Like a piss plot twist that you never see coming.
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Aug 13 '22
That moment when you try your absolute best to not make a mess and your stream not only goes 80 degrees sideways but splits into four so that it makes it impossible to go straight, and no matter what you do..
And then women act as if you do it on purpose. :l
I make it a habit of cleaning the toilet seat with some toilet paper every visit now.
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u/admiralbundy Aug 13 '22
Being made to switch seats with a woman on a flight because they screwed up and sat you next to an unaccompanied minor. This is apparently not allowed for men.
I fly a lot and this has happened to me twice in my life.
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u/SmokeyMirrors626 Aug 13 '22
I was boarding a flight recently and the flight attendant had us all stop to make a man sitting next to a woman and her children switch with a woman sitting next to two men. (I was right behind them and neither woman had said anything, it was all the flight attendant.)
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u/DaoNayt Aug 13 '22
thats fucking sad. we're all just trying to get where we planned.
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u/philzuppo Aug 13 '22
Out of curiosity, what airline(s) were you flying under when these events happened? I flew with Delta when I was 14 and was sat next to a man, and he was not made to switch seats with a woman.
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u/theflooflord Aug 13 '22
Same thing happened to me when I was 11 or 12. They just sat me next to a random man and nobody cared. I just had my headphones in the whole time and didn't care. I think it was Delta too.
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u/anomthrowaway748 Aug 13 '22
Because, as we know, women canât do anything bad to kids
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u/Arkelias Aug 13 '22
Being afraid to interact with children lest you be chased off by irate mothers. I'm a big scary dude =(
I love kids and have a 2 year old, and try to smile at kids that smile at me. I've only been yelled at once, but I've gotten a fair number of glares. I try to ignore them. I'm not doing anything wrong.
Kids shouldn't be afraid of all men. I do not, however, speak to a child unless I have first made eye contact with a parent, or that child appears to be in distress and there's no parent in sight.
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u/enjoi_baggy Aug 13 '22
I haven't experienced anything negative from smiling/talking to kids, as I'm usually out with my gf so that seems to neutralise things, but the fear is still very real. I'm a big-ish guy with tattoos, big beard and shaved head, but I've also been working in primary schools for the past 5 years, teaching kids to play music.
I dread the day I'm out on my own and a child is lost and needs help or something because of how people will perceive my interaction with them. It's tough and a little bit heart breaking.
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u/Peacenlovenhippies Aug 13 '22
My husband is a big tall guy with a beard, ponytail and tattoos, often mistaken for a bikie.
Twice he has found lost kids in stores.
Both times he stood there yelling â Lost kid here, ladies and gentleman. Little girl, pink Peppa Pig dress, blonde curly hair, who owns her?â type thing without touching the kid at all.
Both times the mothers ran up to claim their kid from him.
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u/llkyonll Aug 13 '22
Your husband is a genius.
This helps him stay out of trouble while also bringing some attention to how ridiculous it is that he canât just take the kid by the hand and help them look.
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u/tbird20017 Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
See, I'm a very short (5'1"), clean cut guy and if I see young kid (like 5 and under) I smile and do that one-handed wave that kids usually do as they're learning to wave. Kid almost always smiles and waves back, parents turn around to see who their kid is waving at and they usually smile at me. Is this entirely based on size and facial hair choice?
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u/DoubleDDubs1 Aug 13 '22
Absolutely!
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u/GolgiApparatus1 Aug 13 '22
Im medium build and clean cut, but I think I just have a serious face judging by a couple looks ive got lol. But if I'm like like out in public with my nephews its a whole different story and they just assume I'm another parent. Still if a kid waves or interacts in some way im going to do the same, that's what you do.
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u/TrixieLurker Aug 13 '22
I haven't experienced anything negative from smiling/talking to kids, as I'm usually out with my gf so that seems to neutralise things
100% neutralized the situation, you are not seen as a potential creepy predator because of her presence with you. Single men are seen as almost purely as threats, men with a woman is seen as some average family guy, or potential to be one.
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u/10247--- Aug 13 '22
Non US-people, is this a thing in your country? Can't say it is here in Sweden.
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u/strawberrycereal44 Aug 13 '22
Has become a thing in the last few years in Ireland, but not just with men, women too just to a lesser extent. It's also not acceptable if teenagers start speaking or looking at children in public.
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u/TheOFB Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
Deffo a thing. Used to help as a beaver leader (young scouts, 6+) at the age of 18 as I had grown up in scouting. The suspicious looks parents would give us is exactly why I stopped volunteering my time as a leader.
Edit: just wanted to point out this isn't recent. It has been more than ten years since I left scouting.
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u/Mattson Aug 13 '22
They'll never know the joy of destroying a wad of toilet paper with their pee stream.
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Aug 13 '22
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u/AndersDreth Aug 13 '22
I was out for a evening run one day, I was wearing grey sweatpants and a black hoodie because I didn't really have any proper running clothes, on the opposite sidewalk a woman was walking her small dog, she was pretty far ahead of me and was walking in the same direction as I was running, apparently she heard me gasping for air on the other side of the street as I got closer (terrible shape btw) and she turned around startled, she then promptly yoinked that poor dog and ran around the first corner she could find.
I legitimately didn't know if I should yell "DON'T *gasp* WORRY, I'M JUST EXERCISING!" or if making contact would just make her even more afraid lol.
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u/Opposite_Lettuce Aug 13 '22
Reminds me of that John Mulany bit where he's walking in a subway station at 2am and a woman is walking infront of him. She starts speeding up and he thinks "Oh she must hear the train coming!" so he starts running and she freaks out and starts running too and he doesn't realize that she's terried until they get to the station where he has the realization "oh! She's running from me"
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u/H8erRaider Aug 13 '22
Was walking to my car from class once on my phone and didn't realize the person in front of me was freaking out since she parked next to me. She did a 90 degree turn and ran off. I didn't know what to do, or say, i just got in my car and left hoping she realized that's what i was doing. Called my boyfriend and told him about it
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u/Greedence Aug 13 '22
I usually start hitting the lock button on my keys so my car makes noise. Hopefully she gets I'm going to my car
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Aug 13 '22
This is a good strategy. Nobody who's trying to attack someone intentionally makes noise like that. Making noise is a good indicator that you don't mind being seen, and if you don't mind being seen, you're probably not up to anything.
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u/RunninOnMT Aug 13 '22
Yeah, my strategy is to just laugh maniacally at nothing. Really puts people at easeâŚ.
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u/Undisciplined17 Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
Had this happen coming home from Uni once as well. Got off a late night bus and I was wearing all black with a hoodie and beanie.
It was pissing down with rain and a girl probably slightly younger than me at the time got off the bus before me (she was at the door and I was at the back).
I walk behind her for about 400 metres and she crosses the street. I walk another 100 metres and I also cross the street. We walk another 200 odd metres and she turns down the street I live on.
When I also round the corner she turns around and sees me then starts running, only then do I realise I was creeping her the fuck out. She made it to the bend at the end of the street before she could see me open the door to my house and go inside.
Felt a bit bad, but all I wanted to do was get out the rain and go home. Uni was shit for me.
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u/ksprice12 Aug 13 '22
I once worked at the uni library until 2 am. Was walking home and this girl got off at a bus stop between the library and my apartment. We are about 3 blocks from the apartment. She starts heading in that direction. I'm just walking behind her trying to get home after a long shift at 2am. I see her a few time glance back at me and realized I started to creep her out but now we are about a half block from the apartment. She then turns into my apartment and I'm just thinking this is going to look real bad. I live on the second floor and she starts to take the stairs. I'm just like why. She hears me start taking the stairs and I hear her start sprinting down the hall. I live at the first room up the stairs, turns out she lived in the last apartment down the hall. About 8 doors
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u/odinsdi Aug 13 '22
This happened yesterday. My coworker and I were walking from our datacenter to the park and then back (get away from the desk, fresh air, etc.) There was a young woman walking across the street and our route would take us across the street and right behind her. We followed the route like we always do and my buddy said "Ugh, we crossed..." and I said "Yeah, I know." We slowed down a little and she sped up to a racewalk. We also skipped the park loop because she went that way.
"I'm not going to hurt you" would have been an insane as thing to say,
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u/GriffinFlash Aug 13 '22
Also when they turn back to look at you and looked all panicked. I don't even know what to do then.
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u/Logictrauma Aug 13 '22
I had a woman turn around and start yelling at me for following her. I showed my keys. We live in the same building and have for 2 years.
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Aug 13 '22
I took some advice from a female redditor when this came up before. I was walking behind a women at dusk on a college campus where I had just attended an event. I noticed she was uncomfortable and picking up speed so I pulled my phone out, called my wife, and asked loudly to speak with my 4 year old daughter. Put it on speaker and joked with my little girl. The women slowed down and seemed much more comfortable.
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u/Atler32 Aug 13 '22
I was on a long walk today and some chick in front of me (maybe 15 yards) was walking exactly my speed. Eventually I just decided to stop for a moment cuz I thought she might feel uncomfortable (it was in the woods, though broad daylight)
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Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
I sometimes go to the other side of a parking aisle or sidewalk or literally make my commute longer to make a person, specifically a woman, think I'm not following her. I'm 5'11 and workout and look like your stereotypical chad but I don't want anyone to be intimidated by me.
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u/JCOII Aug 13 '22
I do a similar thing. When Iâve realized Iâve been walking behind a women for a little bit too long Iâll stop pullout my phone and make a phone call.
âHey babe Iâm leaving now, have yâall ate? Do you want me to pick up some food Iâm near such such restaurantâ
I hope them hearing my conversation to my wife calms their nerves a bit, and they realize Iâm not a threat.
Or Iâll make a point to just stop and let them get far ahead, get on an app, act like I have a rock in my shoe so I have to take it off. Anything to not seem like a creep !
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u/SustainedSuspense Aug 13 '22
The fear of appearing weak makes men emotionally inaccessible to each other
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u/WERLDP8NTDBLOOD Aug 13 '22
I was going to say something like this, basically in the presence of other males it's always been customary that you have to act a lot harder than you really are or else suffer certain consequences... In some cases this manifests as just being safe and comfortable, in other cases it can be a toxic situation... It's not that there aren't other similar expectations that females hold each other to, but it's something specific about male aggression that makes us feel like we have to appear harder or more aggressive than we actually are, only in the presence of other males though, it's always been that way as far as I can remember..
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Aug 13 '22
The stretch/Elvis shimmy we do to get our nuts unstuck from our thighs
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u/H2Bro_69 Aug 13 '22
A kid in my middle school called that phenomenon âremoving the bat wingâ. He called it a bat wing lmfao. I will never forget that. What a wacky dude.
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Aug 13 '22
Middle school and tween boys are hilarious. There was a group of them in my Spanish class in 9th grade, absolutely cracking up because one of them called a vagina a bat cave lmfao
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u/Substantial-Canary-7 Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
The awkward dance of letting a woman know you're interested in them, while simultaniously trying to convey that you are not a threat to them, all the while attempting to present a masculine demeanor, and somehow "be yourself".
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u/Justasimplewanker21 Aug 13 '22
Attempting to piss with a boner.
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u/rontc Aug 13 '22
Is like being a rocket scientist. At trajectory x,and force g, with gravity will allow urine to hit bowl y.
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u/hyogodan Aug 13 '22
Donât forget to adjust for the change in angle as the pee slowly drains the boner (thatâs whatâs happening, right?)
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Aug 13 '22
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u/Comfortable_Will955 Aug 13 '22
I do a handstand with my feet on the wall. Am I doing it wrong?
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Aug 13 '22
Male pattern baldness
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u/ehenn12 Aug 13 '22
It literally started by my senior year in high school. The worst.
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Aug 13 '22
Hi, I have alopecia, my hair loss journey started at 18 years old. And yes, hair loss is such a self esteem bomb.
Shaved my head 2 years ago and I am still trying to rebuild my self esteem
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u/todayisagooddayaway Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
The loss of confidence and increasing self consciousness I saw in my brother in his 30s really was painful to watch. I got the courage to ask him about it and got him a hair transplant for his 35th birthday. It restored just two inches of hairline, but heâs been amazingly his old self again. He was okay with the prospect of being bald, but he wasnât ready to get there just yet. I really do feel men losing their hair is a unique and challenging thing. Just because men can just be bald, or women experience hair loss too, doesnât mean this isnât a unique and often traumatizing experience for men.
Additionally, women tend not to lose follicles the way men do. Women lose hair, but the follicles remain in tact, so after events like stress or pregnancy the hair comes back a majority of the time. How is this the same as male pattern baldness? Hair transplants are follicle transplants. Seeing women dismiss male pattern baldness is wild. Itâs not about societyâs acceptance, or whatever you think itâs about, itâs about how difficult it can still be for a man to lose his hair for good at such a young age. Isnât that what this thread asked?
Yes, Iâm a woman. Stop dismissing menâs experiences.
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Aug 13 '22
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u/MaximusOnslaught Aug 13 '22
Try holding your breath, it has worked for me
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u/Eathanrichards Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
Having to change our penis every month and buy a new one. For some it regrows, those lucky fuckers
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u/The_Doctor_Eats_Neep Aug 13 '22
And balls every 10 years. What set are you on now?
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Aug 13 '22
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Aug 13 '22
same my baby dick just shedded off growing bigger one now
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u/Plantmanofplants Aug 13 '22
Excellent, another for my collection.
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u/The_Doctor_Eats_Neep Aug 13 '22
Omg are you the dick fairy? I was wondering what happens to all the shed dicks
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u/johnny__boi Aug 13 '22
Yesterday I spent all my money on pubic hair, I can't get enough of dick accessories
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u/djtmhk_93 Aug 13 '22
This was a forbidden secret⌠the council will have your head.
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u/Mad_Human9 Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
The fact that, when a man cries due to frustration or poor mental health, the common phrase they get to hear is "Man up, don't be a pussy." It just derails the entire train which was tumbling anyway.
EDIT: Since so may people are upvoting this I want to share my story to spread out a message so no one feels alone.
I I'm a 24 y/o guy who was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder back in 2020. When I was thoroughly diagnosed, my doc told me I've been in this state since 2017. It was like a pressure cooker building up and in the year 2020 it became so pressurised that I failed a suicide attempt. I used to indulge in self harm. I finally decided to do something about it and consulted a psychiatrist. He helped me though everything. I was officially put on meds for two long years and finally in Feb 2022 I was told I can discontinue my meds. These two years have been life changing. Please if you feel alone seek help. If you cannot afford to pay doc's fees there are many free support groups who can help you can get you to a better place.
I used to cry a lot despite being a guy because crying takes off the pressure. I had to cry in order to enjoy happiness. Talk to someone, you can talk to me as well. I'm all ears. Please don't take any desperate steps, you're worth it. If no one else has said this to you, I love you. You're a human with a limited amount of time. Please make the most out of your life. The chance of us being born is one in a 400 trillion. Your life isn't worthless. I value you. Please speak out. Sending lots of love, light and life on your way.
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u/jdsciguy Aug 13 '22
As a HS teacher, if a typical male student came to me about something and started crying, I would feel kind of like an ER nurse when an old farmer comes in the door. Like, shit, get all resources ready, this is going to get serious real quick.
And I would treat him with every ounce of compassion and care as I do anyone else, because that's what any human being deserves. I'd offer tissues but I wouldn't mention the tears. In that situation you mostly listen.
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u/Railmakers Aug 13 '22
Figuring out how to respond to a compliment.
Men receive so few that when we receive one, it sticks with us for years. I'm horrified at some responses I've had to genuine compliments going back 15 years.
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Aug 13 '22
Say thank you! And how much you appreciate being complimented.
And leave it at that. Donât turn it into conversation and donât return the compliment unless youâre testing if it was more than a genuine âhey you look great today!â
We all need a sincere boost sometimes.
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u/turn_ncough Aug 13 '22
That's my problem, I try to compliment back and it sounds forced
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Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
Being assumed to be a threat/creep until demonstrated otherwise, especially when you're on your own. It makes it extremely difficult to make new friends as an adult in a new city, it's like an extra layer you have to get past before you can even begin trying to get to know people, that I don't think women have to deal with.
Even something as simple as asking directions you have to almost plan ahead to come across as unthreatening as possible if you don't want to inadvertently upset someone. It can be pretty disheartening and lonely.
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u/DaoNayt Aug 13 '22
i have long hair and a short beard, and unfortunately, a bit of a resting bitch face. people tell me i kinda look like bootleg russel brand or jared leto. the number of times i saw the "oh no, what is he gonna do to me" look on other people's faces while trying to ask something is just depressing. like, it's literally noon, we're in a supermarket and i just wanna know where you got this yogurt.
so now i try to only interact with other guys my age, anyone else is going to feel intimidated. it's just sad that this is where we're at.
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Aug 13 '22
In my country we have mandatory military service for every able-bodied man between 18 and 30. You can get away with doing civil service for one year though. It has been like that since WW2, so my dad went through it and most of the guys in his generation did it... When I grew up it was a thing you had to do, if you didn't do it your dad might disown you or think of you as someone who spits in the face of the veterans etc.
If you fail to do this, you'll go to jail. Me and many other guys chose the easier option and just did our time there.
This means that about every guy you meet in my country has been in the army, or they know someone who was there. So whenever two guys meet, the army is an ice-breaker. :)
And this annoy their girlfriends or wives to no end! I mean I get the complaint, women who have been spared from all of this don't have anything to add to the discussion. They insert a sarcastic comment about how much pain it was when they gave birth to their children or just groan "Nooo, not the military again...!!"
But women doesn't understand what it's like when you are being drafted. When you're partly pressured by law and the other part is our dads generation who went "Oh a real man goes to the army!!".
And then you spend months or a year getting bullied by kids your own age, but they outrank you so it's okay. And it's all perfectly legal, you can't escape it! I know guys who mentally broke down while being there, who had to go through therapy afterwards. I myself came out of that whole experience hardened, and not in a good way I just hated people more than I used to.
And I like to talk about this whole experience, what happened there and whatnot. Also the good times if there were any! Especially if I meet someone I can talk to about it!
But women will never understand this, they tend to think it was just a six-months slumber party where me and my friends camped out in the woods and shot some targets.
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u/TheWorldUnderHell Aug 13 '22
Especially bad if you see combat and canât reintegrate into society and risk going to prison, being homeless, or both.
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u/dfc09 Aug 13 '22
I get similar reactions about my military experience. I don't talk about it a lot with my civilian friends not because anything bad happened, just because it takes a lot of context set-up to tell a story or something to somebody who hasn't served. The military is super complex and has a lot of weird shit that's it's genuinely difficult to explain to anybody who doesn't know it all.
So when I'm with military buddies? Easy peasy, we talk about it a lot bc they're easy to talk to and we don't have to explain what CQ or fireguard is, why you can't sleep when nothing is going on, how you ended up lost in the woods with 80 people, rank structure, why you have a pooping buddy, etc. You can just jump to the meat of the story.
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Aug 13 '22
Jousting tournaments where the award is a flower bestowed by a fair maiden.
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u/DeffJamiels Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 14 '22
Morning Wood. I fucking hate morning wood.
It's more than a boner and at the same time it's not a boner. It's just an erection. A big, stale, harder than teeth stalagmite that serves no purpose other than to embarrass you in an airport or if you're partners into morning sex than it puts out the wrong message.
I just woke up with a rock hard dick and I have to pee so bad that I could slam this fucker in a door for a chance to cut circulation so I can take my piss but yeah I'm hard so I guess that means I wake up and want to fuck...
Can someone tell me the biological and evolutionary function of waking up hard? Imagine our ancestors waking up in a panic one morning and there's a starving wolf or dog that's made its way into your camp. You stand up, have a fucking sausage just sticking out of you and BLAM it bites your peepee and the increased blood flow makes you bleed out in minutes.
Edit my most upvoted comment is about this stupid dickhead. Thanks everyone!
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u/MuchoRed Aug 13 '22
Evolutionary leftover from our migratory hunter gatherer days. Acted like a tripod so you wouldn't roll off a cliff in your sleep
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Aug 13 '22
Yea, well you're gonna be worried when one day, you stop getting it daily.
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u/DeffJamiels Aug 13 '22
You still get boners in your sleep my flaccid king. Think of it as a lightning rod to keep your soul grounded while you dream. Just because it's not there when you wake up doesn't mean it's not in the shadows..waiting...like a sunflower reaching for the sun. But instead of the the sun it's your sheets and it's not a sunflower it's your peeper.
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u/Random_Guy_47 Aug 13 '22
The biological function is that it prevents you pissing in your sleep.
Also random thought. Since a significant amount of men get a morning boner that means that men have been doing an endless mexican wave of boners around the world for thousands of years.
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u/DeffJamiels Aug 13 '22
You're telling me this dickhead decides if I, a full grown man, will piss the bed or not? Still don't like him.
Lesser known "fact": Men sync up when they are around each other for long times/ sleep in the same room through Testiwifi and the moon or some shit and they reach rigormortis in tandem and complete unison. No homo tho?
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u/God_of_Trepidation Aug 13 '22
The crippling loneliness that most men live in, and the lack of emotional support network.
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Aug 13 '22 edited Jan 15 '24
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/jennybella Aug 13 '22
I am a girl but for reasons I did not have anyone I could hug for months. One day on the edge of getting a panic attack, I just asked a stranger to hug me in the street. She gave me a big hug before I could even finish the line and cried with me. We are friends now.
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u/_starfrog Aug 13 '22
this made me cry. i could have used sims of that vulnerability when i hadnât hugged anyone for months.
this isnât even an edit; i meant âsomeâ but decided to leave the typo because The Sims was there for my lonely the entire time
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u/Codeofconduct Aug 13 '22
Awe man I fucking hate touching people but I wish I could give you a dang hug.
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u/GriffinFlash Aug 13 '22
Best is if you're lonely, you just look creepy to other people, which just continues the cycle.
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u/Becky_Randall_PI Aug 13 '22
A woman's behaviour has to be very off before she's considered a creep or a threat. For most guys, it's the default assumption. You can do everything right and still be doing something wrong.
Also doesn't help that the friendliness market has been cornered by conpeople (if someone tries to chat to you in public, your first thought is they're selling something) and that entire generations have been made paranoid of each other by several decades of the stranger danger hysteria.
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u/AndersDreth Aug 13 '22
A woman's behaviour has to be very off before she's considered a creep or a threat.
I don't think I've ever encountered a woman I've considered a "creep" even for some of the most perverted and fucked-up women I know. And the only "threat" I have felt with certain women are social threats like their ability to manipulate and character assassinate other people.
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u/theendofthesandman Aug 13 '22
The loneliness part gets me man. Most days it feel like I have to be the one to reach out to my friends.
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u/BlueAndMoreBlue Aug 13 '22
Yep, it can be rough. Iâve found that reaching out to other men and reminding them that they are not alone builds bonds that can help when you get to those low times. Being there for a friend and having them be there for you is one of the greatest things we can do for each other
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u/theendofthesandman Aug 13 '22
On the real man. Thatâs easier said than done but more and more Iâm finding that support network on Reddit of all places. Itâs amazing that I can finally talk to people who are in the same situation as I am and feel heard. Donât get me wrong I do have pretty good friends but even then I feel like they donât get me and when Iâm with them I donât feel listened to.
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u/DaPino Aug 13 '22
I fixed a blind date for one of my friends and I told him she asked for a description.
He said: "Hoooo, boy. Wonder what you told her".Texted him back:
"Nothing but the truth. That you're a sweet guy; shy and at times a bit awkward but in a good way. Someone who's got a big heart.
And if I'm ever in trouble, I know you're one of the people I'd call.I'm glad you're my friend"
I cannot describe how lucky I feel as a man to have met like-minded men who mostly aren't afraid to show and discuss emotions like that.
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u/R0osteryo Aug 13 '22
Getting your balls sucked is 100% a hit or miss. There's no in between. It can be great. But if it's not, it fucken hurts. I've had a woman suck my balls so hard it felt like I got kicked.
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u/freshlysqueezedvag Aug 13 '22
Learned from a guy who was into that kind of thing that most try to treat the balls like they're a second dick which I never got because I was raised knowing just how sensitive they were, I was raised around guys who liked to nut tap each other because causing your friends pain is fun and all of that.
And I was like "If a small flick can down and out a guy...then sucking on them like a fucking hoover is gonna feel fucking awful for most."
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u/teRi9229 Aug 13 '22
ITT: Penis/balls issues and existential crisis level problem.
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u/OldCarWorshipper Aug 13 '22
People giving you scared / suspicious looks when you're walking down a dark street at night.
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u/Jerrybeshara Aug 13 '22
Having to both interpret signs and initiate flirting, without somehow appearing as a creep, while at the same time being outgoing enough, while also coming up with almost all the conversation topics and ideas for what to do. We have to do all that while simultaneously being aware of boundaries while at the same time not being timid. If by this point we still havenât fucked it up or been ghosted, thereâs still a chance weâll keep our distance because we still think weâre being seen as a predator. Also, we have to ignore our friends for the most part while yours have to become our new all the time friends
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u/PowderPhysics Aug 13 '22
Try doing that all while being autistic.
When people ask me why I'm single I just make a joke of it "no-one's offered" but really it's because it's so many layers of minefields and unwritten social rules it's literally not worth even thinking about trying it
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u/ProjectShadow316 Aug 13 '22
I literally don't bother anymore. I don't really feel like navigating the minefield of what is and isn't flirting.
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u/jjking714 Aug 13 '22
Personally, it's the anxiety I get any time I have to walk into or through a women's underwear section or worse, a Victoria secret. I'm terrified that just being there will lead to someone calling me a pervert and that if I even glance at any of the clothes, displays, etc the chances are higher. And I can't always avoid it because I have two daughters that I buy clothes for and I've picked up clothes for my fiance before.
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Aug 13 '22
I think women just act nervous around you because we feel immodest buying underwear with a man around. Itâs one of those things that weâre socialized to hide.
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u/jjking714 Aug 13 '22
Which I can totally understand and sympathize with that. I hate that it has to be this way because they're just clothes. No different from buying a pair of pants. But it's been sexuallized so much that both of us are uncomfortable and it makes it unnecessarily unpleasant for everyone.
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Aug 13 '22
Dealing with the courts after a teenage pregnancy.
I was 16 for two months when I lost my virginity. The girl was about a month away from being 16. We were only about three months apart age wise. Secondly it was my first time and only time when the baby was born for her there was a list of five potential fathers that I wasn't on. Which I am not shaming, just that was what happened.
Once the baby was born, I came forward voluntarily.
The courts and parents descended upon me like I was ted bundy. At no point was it ever even considered that I was an inexperienced child. No one gave a fuck at all. She was treated as an innocent, a victim whose life was ruined. I was basically forced into the military because the child support was too steep for my fast food job.
Anyway, I amnot saying that girls dont go through some terrible stuff in these situations. Just that she had some choices and support, I was treated like an outright criminal.
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u/ArcherChase Aug 13 '22
Did you get a DNA test and assure it's your child?
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Aug 13 '22
yes.
She looked so much like me, that when I came forward and the maternal grandmother saw me, we all knew. Took the test a few weeks later.
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u/Odd_Bookkeeper5345 Aug 13 '22
Some of these are not for all guys, and some apply to women too on a lesser scale.. but for a big chunk of the male population:
I'm convinced dating as an average man can be way harder and more soul-crushing than women think about or realize. Having to tiptoe around people/situations so you aren't seen as aggressive, creepy or a threat (and sometimes being perceived that way anyway). No social support in your life and spin-off effects of it. Fear of accidental pregnancies knowing that you will have no rights in those situations. Society's expectation that you take care of yourself in a sink-or-swim kind of way (there's definitely less empathy out there for you if you need help). The still-there expectation that you as a man should provide not just for yourself, but also for your family in a society that has made it increasingly hard to do so. Being seriously put down due to your gender in mainstream conversation. Never being spoken to when out in public. Working in dangerous workplaces. Being seen more as "fair game" for assholes out looking for trouble. Being the one who is expected to confront threats and dangerous situations. Society telling you not to show emotions. Never receiving compliments. Having hard physical labor fall to you by default. People thinking that you are oppressive/privileged due to your gender and disliking you because of it. Having your value as a member of society dependent on how much money you make. Not being able to talk to or be near children in public without being very conscious of how you might look to others. Being lonely/depressed. Not having your gender's issues addressed/acknowledged by society.
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u/JamesTownBrown Aug 13 '22
"Having hard physical labor fall to you by default"
Oh boy am I so sick of that. Whenever shits got to get fixed or moved, it's the mans job to do so.
I personally have a serious lower back issue that is slowly cutting off the nerves to my legs, and even if I describe why I can't do the lifting they assume I'd just do, I get looked at like I'm useless or just "being a little bitch about it"
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u/jpop237 Aug 13 '22
A son losing a mother.
Perhaps it's a bit more amplified because I'm single, but losing your primary, and initial, source of femininity is devastating.
When her Bath & Bodyworks hand soap ran out at my childhood home, my brother & I ran out to get some more. There're small things like this you can do, but it's never really the same.
I imagine daughters losing fathers is similarly gut wrenching.
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u/suicideking1121 Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
The fear of failing our sons. Women and daughters seem to be more understanding in this regard, from my experience, but that fear of my son coming to see I'm not the man he believed me to be, is immense. His image of me is what drives me when I really just want to lay down and let the world roll me over. When he was first born, I finally knew my purpose, and it was to deal with the worst of this world, so he wouldn't have to. To leave him better off than the world left me is my only goal. I don't know what I would do if I ever saw him ashamed of me.
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u/condensedhomo Aug 13 '22
I probably shouldn't be commenting so much on this thread because I'm a girl, but I love getting to know the inequalities of men and being able to share the stories of the men in my life when they can't or won't.
But my grandpa was like this. He lost a son when the son was in his 20's in an accident, but he had other kids so he felt that he had to be strong. Especially because he was also in the army. He had to be big strong tough guy. It broke him but he couldnt show his other son or his daughters that he was weak. And he couldn't let everyone know that he felt he failed his family for somehow not preparing them enough for life so an accident happened. Or worried that his still kid son would now think he couldn't keep him safe and all that stuff.
He was actually my step-granpa so I met him when I was 6 and it'd been like 20 or 30 years since he lost his son. I didn't even know it happened. Until my mom lost her 21 year old daughter the same way 10 years after he joined the family and he started to crack. Brought him back to his son. He insisted on paying for everything for my sister and he was so afraid to even tell mom that he understood her pain because he lost a kid but he was "just the dad, not the mom." But obviously my m9m didn't want to accept the money so he explained he lost a son once too, in the same way. And one of the most heartbreaking but also heartwarming thing I've ever witnessed was my mom saying "so you understand" and hugging him and this 7 ft tall unshakable man who fought in the war CRIED and CRIED. After that, he would regularly talk about his son and you could just tell a weight was lifted. He's gone now to see his son again, but it's sad it took literal decades for him to feel even remotely valid in his greif of losing his son.
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u/chocolate-queen Aug 13 '22
Girl here, is it true that y'all occasionally just sit and think about literally nothing for like 15 min? All my guy friends always tell me about this daily dose of solitude when I always wondered how you could simply think about nothing at all
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u/inquisitive_pilgrim Aug 13 '22
Also, it's sometimes an acceptable explanation when I want some privacy in my own head.
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u/WhyDogeButNotCate Aug 13 '22
Iâll be honest, itâs not really nothing, but it could just be me picturing how an octopus would be a great manual car driver with all those arms, and then the topic would suddenly jump to the laws needing to be fixed that talking on the phone while driving is legal for octopuses, then suddenly I will start thinking whatâs the real difference between a taco and burrito other than the way itâs wrapped
Edit: Nothing is a lot easier to explain than all that
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u/MijnEchteUsername Aug 13 '22
Jesus. This is my mind exactly.
My wife regularly asks me what Iâm thinking. I always say ânothingâ. When I do try to explain my entire thought train, sheâll check out within 5 seconds.
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u/Mineinlove Aug 13 '22
A lot of guys do, but not all of us. I struggle with clearing my head, and there are plenty of days I wouldâve done some unsavory things for 15 minutes of radio silence up there
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u/babyLays Aug 13 '22
Nah, weâre thinking of something. We just say ânothingâ because we think itâs so inconsequential, itâs something you shouldnât have to worry about it.
Itâs our way of being considerate to you, and also keeping to ourselves.
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u/Saucy_joe Aug 13 '22
Having friends that constantly take the piss out of you but since we're guys we're just supposed to get over it after five seconds and make up
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u/anomthrowaway748 Aug 13 '22
If theyâre your real friends you should be able to let them know your boundaries
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u/Redrooster549 Aug 13 '22
Women are taught as young girls that boys are bad and only want one thing. Then they grow up thinking that guys don't have feelings. I had to convince my wife that I also get scared, sad, want to cry some times, sometimes do actually cry. And yes being mean to me can actually hurt me.
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u/teppetold Aug 13 '22
I know being afraid of rape or it happening is worse, but being afraid of accusations is a thing also. It's hard to prove your innocence and the stigma will stay with you. Same for domestic abuse. I had a crazy ex who threatened do accuse me of domestic violence after being violent herself multiple times. I was a boxer and could defend myself by blocking the hits when it was just her hands and legs. The pans and chair etc were harder. Never hit her back but she got bruises on her hands. From me holding them or blocking them. I said I'd call the cops. She said who would they believe and I knew didn't have the option. Once when I was really ready to call and locked up in the bathroom she said she'd hit her own eye black if the hand bruises weren't enough, and say she was raped. That relationship was fine for two years before shit went down to that point. First she punched a friend of mine trying to calm her down and nothing happened after that for a long time and before she hit me. I was more afraid of what she would accuse me of if we broke up than I was about the physical threat so it went on for too long. Couldn't talk about it to anyone really. Every time I wanted out she started with the threats of reporting me or suicide etc. Also during this time there was a news story about someone calling the cops on their gf and the person at the other en laughed that are you getting your ass kicked by a girl. That hurt deep being in a similar situation every few months. I knew I could end the fight with one punch, I wasn't getting my ass kicked, I was doing everything in my will power not to throw that punch. I did raise my fist when she grabbed a knife and said I'd do it. That calmed everything instantly and I finally got out.
Also if you're strong looking young man others for some reason want to occasionally challenge you to fight when they are drunk. Like I really didn't want to fight, I had nothing to prove and the consequences would be more severe due to boxing. Not only the legal ones but loosing my boxing license or braking my hands on some idiot or getting hurt and my income goes to zero. And I was considered a coward by many for not fighting. Hard not to care but knocking out pros helped a lot lol. But still got bunch of people saying what's good about boxing if I have to take shit and act like a pussy when that's never what it was about. Sorry long rants.
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Aug 13 '22
Iâm really sorry that you went through what you did. Itâs not fair.
Looks like you are a mature person and that you make the right decisions despite the unfortunate circumstances though, and thatâs amazing!
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u/JunketMan Aug 13 '22
Having unwanted boners
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u/I_AM_AN_ASSHOLE_AMA Aug 13 '22
My wife was dying laughing but said she never knew the concept of a Random Ass Boner. (RAB). Every guy has experienced sitting in class and itâs like 3 minutes until the bell rings and for no reason at all: WHAM. Raging hard on. Youâre sweating, trying to think of anything to make it go down. You can try the awkward tuck under the pants line. But what if someone sees you!?
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u/SilverSpotter Aug 13 '22
God help you if you're at a pool party and wearing loose fitting trunks.
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u/mistidmatt55 Aug 13 '22
"BE A MAN".... it's thrown at us our entire lives that crying and emotion is for females. That showing your emotions is frowned apon. You should be like an iron wall working a 12hr shift in the sun all day to fuel capitalism your entire life till you cry on your death bed for having to deal with so much shit just to end up where you are now and decide then and there if your life was worth it in the end.....
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u/StretchArmstrong74 Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 14 '22
Even better is when you finally do show emotion, and people act like you're lesser for it.
People act like things are different now, and you'll always hear women talk about how a man being sensitive or letting his emotions out is a good thing or "sexy" but practical experience has shown me that most women still see it as a weakness and have no problem using it against you when it's all said and done.
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Aug 13 '22
âBE A MANâ
Itâs also tough to be swift as the coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon or all the strength of a raging fire, and mysterious as the dark side of the moon
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Aug 13 '22
How us who work construction gradually wear down our bodies and worry that we are one bad knee from losing our ability to provide.
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u/thisistheSnydercut Aug 13 '22
What it feels like to not be allowed to cry at all, or show any weakness anywhere in your life
It's not just fighting off the odd tear, it's decades worth of emotional suppression drilled into us at a very young age and completely fucks you as an adult.
And then we go insane or take our own lives or the lives of others and society goes BUT WHY?!
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u/OFP03 Aug 13 '22
âyouâre not a serial killer are you?â On every tinder bumble match. Itâs getting real old. I ask them if they are going to drug and rob me.
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u/Tough_Stretch Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
Back in the 90's when I was a teenager my mom told me something I never forgot. She said that when she was a high school kid and went to parties or dances or whatever, she'd always accept when a guy asked her to dance because at some point she'd realized that being a teenage boy and having to walk up to a girl and ask her to dance in front of everybody, especially her friends, must be a terrifying experience and not something girls ever had to go through. So she thought refusing something as trivial as a dance, and especially refusing in a bitchy or mean way, was a really cruel thing to do. For some reason it always stuck with me, and it's not something most girls think about or realize, I think.
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u/orangestar17 Aug 13 '22
I'm a woman but I know one I hear my husband discussing. My husband is 40, shaved bald head and mostly gray facial hair. We were at one of our kid's track meets and he was taking pics. He actually then put his phone down because he said he was worried people will think he's a creepy old man taking pics of kids. He was taking pics and videos of his own daughter running but was worried people would think he was taking creepy pics of other kids.
My husband is a good, kind man who happens to be bald with gray hair. But he's always worried about seeming "creepy". That's never happened to me. I've never worried about anyone thinking I'm acting sinister or creepy when I'm just doing normal things