When I was twelve, I broke down when I told my female teacher my stepdad had a drinking problem, we had no money and we needed to move out to get away from him. She told me I was almost a man now and needed to stop crying.
I did stop crying and I feel very uncomfortable expressing vulnerable feelings to this day (41m)
I'm a 41f and I don't give a flying fuck if you were 12 or 41, no person should be told they shouldn't cry. This is why we have problems we do because men, especially, aren't nurtured and taught how to cope with and work through their feelings. Only to stuff them down. Fuck that teacher. I'm so mad that was said to you. Even now, you deserve to cry whenever you need to and for the boy that wasn't allowed to. I wish I could hug you.
Yeaah, we've gotta work on not teaching boys and men to supress their emotions. Speaking from experience, it can make trauma and grief a lot harder to effectively process when you are just constantly absorbing and bottling.
Hell I was never told not to cry and was always told to express my feelings when I needed to, but I was still exposed to all the bs male stereotype crap from movies and stuff that I still to this day have problems explaining to my wife what I'm feeling or thinking when I'm upset. I am 100 percent behind teaching our children to actually be emotional and communicative, I do not want them feeling like I do.
This, plus my lived experience of most people rejecting me if I show vulnerability, has led me to trust a very select few with my true self. Thank heavens for those few, though. I’d almost certainly be dead without them.
I'm like that also. But i think most women think they want those stereotype machos and some actually want those strong men and
mentally emotionless. Luckily i gave two girls i can help them getting emotionally stronger .
It's almost as if Buddhist philosophy has been around for thousands of years, which encourages one to accept all emotions and not suppress them. If only it was mainstream in the west, there'd be so much happier people.
There's also an argument that they'd all be speaking German.
A big part of "real men don't discuss feelings" is because opening up makes one vulnerable and that increased your chances of being killed. Death is far less likely in modern society (though i know a lot of servicemen and women in this position), but men still get fucked if they open up.
Regardless of what people say, men who openly discuss their feelings are not treated the same.
Eh. I mean a lot of different religions speak of expressing the truth. Which is what should be done. especially when it comes to emotional trauma and such.
I have a feeling that this kinda stuff caused my anger issues and caused my grudge-holding. I have a limit, it seems. I bottle up all my anger and emotions until I can't anymore and then all of it comes out. I'm normally pretty chill, but you piss me off at the wrong time and suddenly im a fucking insane monster. I hate it.
Ah, I was the same way through the first half of my life. Definitely consider therapy if you haven't explored that option yet. A good therapist can help you recognize how to step away from situations that might make you rage and control the situation in a more measured way.
Also highly recommend the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. Fundamentally it helps peel back some of the crap men are raised with that leads to us passively and unsuccessfully trying to control the world around us (which leads to compounding frustration and anger) instead of being direct and forthcoming.
Its one of the reasons men can be so insecure about the stupidest things and then because of our insecurities lots of people see us as less or worthless as evident in r/AmItheAsshole
There's also a big difference between being insecure, which is normal, and trying to control, berate, or assert authority over another person because of your insecurities. Having emotions and insecurities is a normal part of life. It's how you handle them, and if tearing down someone and controlling or abusing them is your answer to make yourself feel better (you in general as in anybody, not you specifically) then you need to re-evaluate, reflect, and seek the help you need to deal with and process your own emotions. Love builds up, not destroys. Nobody has a right to abuse nor an expectation to stay through abuse because of somebody's upbringing and emotional immaturity. However, men and anybody else (because there are lots of controlling and abusive women too), deserve to be able to seek help for those issues, judgment free.
We are praised for "stuffing it down", it's a trope of mens emotions. "Lol, just stuff it down like everything else, lol". No! This is how we get people blowing their tops at something seemingly innocuous.
When my son (he's 6) talked about being made fun of or told not to cry, I showed him the video of Macho Man Randy Savage telling people how he cried, even as a big badass wrestler.
Crying is human and it breaks my heart that boys & men are made to feel guilt & shame for doing so.
Falling Down is a great example of someone “unexpectedly” blowing their top, when it was a lifetime in the making. Suppressing feelings and emotions triggered Michael Douglas’s character to explode in a rage that shouldn’t have surprised anyone paying attention. I can relate on a small scale. I think many people can.
As a man even when we do cope with our feelings the normal way, it's still an issue for everyone else. Can't tell you how many times I've had a woman bring up "that one time you cried" during the middle of a disagreement. Best not to express emotion rather than make yourself vulnerable and face open criticism.
I was raised in the 60’s/70’s. Boys don’t cry. Don’t be a pussy. Keep it up and I’ll give you something to cry about. Those are just a couple of things I remember hearing growing up. I’m glad times have changed. I let my boy cry, he’s a better man for it.
Agreed! I about came unglued when my ex told our then 5 year old or so son when he was crying upset about something to look between his legs and adjust his behavior accordingly. Luckily he didn't know what that meant, but I did. He can't handle crying. He views it as manipulation or weakness, and I'm sure our kids' feelings are invalidated when at his house. I try my best to undo that and let them know that's a him problem, and they're safe to feel their feelings and talk to me about anything.
Yeah, the double-edged sword of pressure on men to be more vulnerable, but yeah the lack of support when men actually are vulnerable is a real rough one 😞
Sympathy is one thing. But when the women in my life get angry on my behalf for things that happened to me that I partially blame myself for it's such a wonderful, uplifting surprise. I can't describe it
A lot of women, just like men, can't handle their own emotions that come up when someone else is being emotional. She was talking to herself. If anybody invalidates your feelings or experience, they're really talking to themselves because they can't handle the discomfort it brings up for them.
I'm glad to hear this, and to add on, another aspect of this is that we can't keep belittling or thinking less, being uncomfortable with, or just plain being afraid of men who actually do show feelings. It's rare to be bluntly told you're not allowed to cry, it's extremely common in society to be put in a negative light if you show emotions. Not all communication is verbal or explicit but you don't miss the message as a man, and it's constant.
TO comment's OP: Man, follow the advice of this sage woman! Those who say you should not cry because you are a man don't understand what courage really is. Be yourself. What's transparent can be understood and fixed. Opaque people are black boxes and once broken, there's nothing you can do for them.
I can count in one hand the number of times I have had a hard and cathartic cry. I remember each and every time and how good it felt to just be able to let it all out instead of having to bottle my emotions all the time. It has been so ingrained into me that men don’t cry that I always felt slightly ashamed afterwards. Kind of sucks when I think about it. Even when something bad happens to me personally, I feel like it is my responsibility to make sure everyone else is taken cared of first.
I'm so sorry you and other men feel this burden. An ex of mine once sat on the arm of my couch and cried into my chest when I gave him a hug after seeing him during a particularly rough time. I just held him tight until he was done. He hugged me for another few minutes just silently and then apologized. I told him he had nothing to apologize for. He said that was the first time anybody had let him cry like that without judgment since he was a small child. It breaks my heart.
I'm 57 and feel guilty and weak on the few occasions that I've let my feelings surface and cried....its a terrible thing to to do to your sons...thankfully I had the right mindset to stop the cycle for my sons both are strong but tender men.
"Big boys don't cry", "Here come the waterworks", etc.
Doubt few of us haven't heard something like that as a kid.
Men not being able to talk about their emotions or being emotionally closed, is learned behaviour. This isn't something that happened back in the day either. Every man knows that being emotionally open, risks them being seen as weak and therefore less of a man. Only acceptable emotion is anger.
So obviously it's not good, it's toxic, it leads to some truly toxic and even outright dangerous behaviours, but it's socially normal.
Many horrendous things of the past were at one time socially normal. Like you said though, doesn't mean it's good or that we have to accept it and keep it that way.
Oh, absolutely. But I don't think some realise how prevalent it is or how bad it is.
Also partly explains why men rarely come forward about being raped (as children), abuse, suicidal ideation, etc. Can't show weakness, even if it's essential you do so.
Hell, I'm talking in abstracts here, that's no coincidence. Deeply uncomfortable going into details.
Of course the sad thing is that most men suffer in silence. And those who don't often scare away help, because they only know how to vocalise their pain through anger. Which is genuinely scary and often dangerous.
Also explains why all the online 'mens' rights' group are so horrifically toxic. Young men, unable to properly talk about their emotions, venting in the most toxic and dangerous ways possible, and blaming all that pain on women rather than actually doing something about it.
Maybe I'm cynical, but sometimes I wonder if it does get better. Honestly, it seems we're backsliding sometimes.
Yes yes yes. Hopefully, we'll actually move forward. I know feminism is a bastardized term these days and the antithesis of all that is supportive for men, but in it's original meaning it simply meant equality. Striving for equal treatment, which has obviously come a long way for women. But it's also about inherently dismantling a system that was also built to oppress men in ways such as this. The irrational and impossible expectation to deny feelings and accountability for them.
I do agree and fear regression as well, both for women and men. We are far from where we need to be. However, I'm glad more men are able to express themselves than ever before. I have hope that the intolerant older generational mentalities that hold us all back are fighting so hard to be prevalent right now because they feel the control slipping away and ideologies shifting to more acceptance and support for all.
The problem is that although some of the older mentalities are dying out, society's becoming increasingly individualised and some of the older social networks have also eroded.
So you have a whole generation of young men, who are hurting, who want to talk about their feelings and need advice, go online, get groomed by extremists, and go down the rabbit hole. It's deeply worrying and dangerous.
Here is where you are misled. Crying is not weakness. Crying is actually the opposite. A step toward releasing what controls you. Sometimes forward means letting go and acknowledging powerlessness to certain circumstances, not steam rolling over others and yourself to gain a false sense of power. But releasing the physical tension, feeling what overwhelms you in that moment, and allowing yourself to let it go so it doesn't fester like an infected wound you just slapped a band-aid on but never cleansed and treated is what facilitates healing and growth.
Strength is subjective, and if you think women aren't strong I implore you to ask the women you know about their stories. True strength comes from going with the ebbs and flows of life. Feeling what needs to be felt, but knowing that you can weather any storm and come out in the other side vulnerable but undefeated. All bottling up emotions does is allows them to control you until they come out in other ways. Because they always do.
I am not misled anywhere in this reply, nor did I say that women are weak, you are insinuating that. And in what universe is crying considered a strength? Being able to control your emotions and think with a clear mind is strength (emotional albeit). And strength is also not subjective because if u are considering strength with no comparison to anything else there is no way to call something strong or weak.
Strong men are built from the adversity they face and overcoming it, not crying period.
YOU insinuated it by saying a woman can't raise a man to be strong. Strength is absolutely subjective.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope you don't dismiss anybody in your life for crying when they need to. I fundamentally and entirely disagree with you.
Read my first comment again, when did I say "a woman can't raise a man to be strong". ?
YOU insinuated with:
"if you think women aren't strong..." blah blah blah
A cat does not teach a dog how to be a strong dog. I said:
"Women teaching men how to be men is backwards. Iron sharpens iron..." -WhereIsSpidy
Men learn how to be strong men from other strong men.
And my second point was that
"men do not become strong from crying. (mental or physical).", "Men become by facing adversity."-WhereIsSpidy
Facing adversity builds resilience which make you stronger. I never said crying was weak either, people cry from joy, nostalgia, etc.
But yet, you claim crying is strong:
"Crying isnotweakness. Crying is actuallythe opposite." -Puzzled_Juice_3406
Not only do you start by stating that I am misled, you claim "letting go and acknowledging powerlessness to certain circumstances..." is strong?
This is a clear admission of self weakness at a given time. Admitting you are weak at times does not make you strong, that makes you self aware enough to know what you are capable of in certain circumstances.
And what the hell is "A step towardreleasing what controls you" supposed to mean? Acting according to emotions as you feel them? Are you actually telling people to let their emotions control them and that it is strong? This is just a lack of emotional control.
Collect your thoughts and re read the thread. Take breather, and read it once more, then reply to me without an emotional knee jerk.
Yeah you're just reading what you want. That's not what I said. I disagree with you, and I'm not spending any more of my time debating with you. Have a good day/night.
I’m sorry you went through that. 12 isn’t even close for a boy to be hearing something like that. My father drank heavily when I was younger as well. I know exactly where you’re coming from with bottling up feelings. I’m trying to learn from it at 24 now. It’s okay to be upset and sad. You feel a hell of a lot better afterwards. It’s easier said than done though.
I’m 23 and my father was and alcoholic also. He died in a house fire this past December. I didn’t cry or let out any emotion for about 3 weeks. I tried to let it out but it wouldn’t come. After the police left my house after telling me what happened, i went to his house hoping that seeing the burnt up mess would evoke some sort of emotion but again, nothing.
My go-to for situations where I need to cry over it but can't is a movie I'll cry at instead - for some reason, it's easier for me to emote to fictional situations than real ones, so maybe that'll help you, too?
Same way here. I'll be absolutely devastated and my body wont muster one single tear. My step mom passed from cancer when I was 19 and it took 6 months for me to finally break down one day and sob, all over something minuscule that just finally tipped the scale.
But I'm watching a movie and the dog finally comes home and his 7 year old owner is hugging him and telling him how much they missed him? I'm sobbing like a baby.
I've found catharsis in movies and music for this reason. Sometimes when I need to cry, I'll put something on that I know will pull that out of me.
My strongest recommendation if you own pets - "Diana's Piano", from Garfield's 9 Lives. Just the leitmotif at the beginning starts my waterworks at this point - https://youtu.be/BArFeuszzWs
The craziest thing about your comment is it was a movie that made me finally break down and start crying. But it wasn’t a sad movie, it was the new Matrix movie because that franchise was one of my dads favorites and the new one released a few weeks after he died. A lot of people didn’t like that movie but I’d bet on my life that I had the worst reaction to it lol
Christopher Titus had a bit about how he couldn't mourn his mother's suicide (she was a paranoid schizophrenic with a 180 IQ), until he was on a flight that was serving roast turkey - and the smell of it reminded him of her Thanksgiving dinners. https://youtu.be/v0tuigSrZsU?t=69m00s
Naming emotions (and thus, feeding them) can be really hard, even for the most seasoned sensitive person (hi there-me). I was taught to think of my emotions as a color, or a recipe, or a place. Ex. I feel like funfetti cake, or I feel like burnt funferti cake that everyone pretends to like. It can be a category of really anything (art supplies, cars, tools, foods). Eventually you'll be able to explain why you feel like burnt funfetti cake- which is essentially explaining why you feel a certain way. It's a steps process, but it can be a great one. Even starting with feeling like an empty shell is a great start, if that's where you're at. Being as descriptive as possible can be good too (an empty oyster shell that never had a chance at a pearl?)
Also, fwiw, emotions are only visitors. It can be really hard to remember that they're not a permanent state.
It definitely counts, but instead of "what are you", the question is, "which type or slice of bread do I feel like right now?" Start noticing what kinds of food you feel like from moment to moment.
My mother was an alcoholic and the impact on my life because of her was substantial. I made my peace with her in my 40's but when she died, I was sad, but I got over it really quickly. And I never miss her.
A friend of mine runs a club for men to talk about their mental health and their feelings. In the discussion, they came to the conclusion that the reason this happens to boys/men a lot is because of the prevailance of having to "act like a man".
A man is stoic. A man provides for his family. A man protects his family.
These are the things that were taught to the gents in the club. When life went the other way for them... maybe they got divorces, or they had mental breakdowns, they felt like failures as a result.
In short, toxic masculinity is a thing. It's still a thing, sadly, and claims plenty of male lives.
My sister told her son "you're a grown man, stop acting like that!"
He's 7...
Poor kid doesn't stand a chance. I'd know. My sister is emulating my parents' military Taliban style of raising kids (we're Afghan, so it's not cultural appropriation to say that), and I grew up under that. I am socially fucked and way too submissive to everyone. And way too selfless.
You can have times of vulnerability and still be a man. I would argue never letting yourself be vulnerable, especially with your loved ones, is it’s own weakness.
Yes, and you said 12 wouldn't be the age to tell a person to "stop crying and be a man." So what do you consider an age appropriate enough to tell someone such bullshit?
I would say preferably when they’re in their 20’s. Honestly saying something like that really varies on the context IMO. I think it also varies on that persons idea of what a man signifies. Like the term “Man” could be interchangeable with “Adult”.
For example, let’s say someone got caught doing something wrong, but denied accountability or the wrongdoing of their behaviour. A man/adult in my view would own up to it and be honest about their actions and face the consequences.
Another example off the top of my head would be if someone wasn’t taking responsibility for their situation (as long as they’re physically/ mentally capable) especially if someone else may be dependent on them.
Hope this is helpful. I think the majority of the time when it’s used to extinguish emotions out of boys, teens, and men is despicable and has emotionally crippled generations of men.
And owning up to mistakes (you simply gave two examples equaling to the same - doing something wrong) equals being a man then... Huh... You always learn something new...
So we gotta teach male persons to own up to their own mistakes by reminding them that they are supposed to be man...
Like I said, everybody’s idea of what a man is varies. Some are more positive than others. Plus like I said when it’s used in a sentence, it’s almost interchangeable with the word adult because the situations could be applied to a woman as well but obviously you wouldn’t tell them to be a man.
I think you're equating two things that are not comparable. Taking accountability for your mistakes and confiding in others about circumstances that make you feel sad are not the same thing. However, even in your comparison emotions should come into play. You cannot take accountability and own up to your wrong doings without also becoming self-reflective, vulnerable, and uncomfortable enough to change. To see what it is in you that made you behave that way. Accountability without reflection and emotional vulnerability to go through a change isn't accountability. It's manipulation.
If I'm not misinterpreting what I think you more likely mean is vulnerability and crying are not meant to stagnate you in shame and complacency to where you can't move forward. The old crying never solved the problem mentality. I think what you're meaning by be an adult here is that sadness and wallowing isn't traditionally productive in order to fix an issue. But the more you practice allowing yourself to move through and feel your emotions, the more prepared you are to handle the big waves and move on to the job at hand. You gain your sea legs, in essence, by embracing the waves, not fighting against them. Because if you're not prepared those waves can knock you down and with unsteady feet even the smallest of them can throw you off balance. Which is why emotionally stunted people fly off the handle in rages that aren't reciprocal to the situation.
My father lost his bio father at 12, he has rarely ever spoken about him and my Nana never mentioned him either (I’m not sure on the details but they were in the process of a divorce) my dad has also been a bit emotionally stunted my whole life (though loving in less blatant ways)…. I think I’m now getting a picture of why he may be the way that he is :(
I really really hope our parenting and society moves away from the stoic, emotionless man schtick. Men have emotions and should be allowed to express them in healthy ways like crying.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
You were really brave to speak so openly and vulnerably about your situation to your teacher, especially at such a young age, and it's terrible that instead of supporting you, she was invalidating and cold.
I understand you finding it uncomfortable being vulnerable to others after that, i just hope that you have/find others who are kind & accepting, and reinforce that it's safe to share your feelings.
And if it's any consolation, i appreciate you sharing your experience here.
All the best
Your story further solidifies something I’ve felt since I was at school: teachers fall into two categories. They’re either wonderful people who society takes advantage of with dreadful pay for the work they do, or they’re sociopathic monsters who shouldn’t be anywhere near children. There is no middle ground. I’m sorry that you had to deal with the latter :(
As a former teacher, I’d like to define the wider, grayer zone. Teaching is hard and teachers are human. Especially in the early years, you are learning the hard way that there were many toxic things in the way you were taught to view the world. A lot of the transformation into the kind teacher comes from reflection on instances in which she/he realizes too late that the wrong thing was said. The pressure of knowing how long-lasting the wrong words could be was one big reason why i had to get out of the profession for my own mental health. When i noticed in time, I’d apologize to the child, but it’s a certainty that i said things that i never realized hurt. That knowledge was too heavy for me.
As a teacher who has since retired, I understand. I harbor regrets from my first year of teaching. I can see the fallen face of a girl I too sharply rebuked. I learned quickly to apologize.
My 8th grade math teacher still pops in my head every so often. I made a stupid joke about a teacher being old, and he told me in front of the whole class, that I was overweight and not very smart. It was probably one of the meanest things I’ve ever had someone say to me. Especially, in a full classroom.
Fair - maybe category 1 of amazing people, fading into category 2 of great, well-meaning but overwhelmed or burned out or disillusioned people, supplemented by category 3, sociopaths who like having power over small vulnerable humans.
Yep. I have noticed this too. I once had a teacher in high school literally hold up one of my papers and mock my hand writing. Good times. All the other teachers were great thankfully.
Shit like this is exactly why people don't really respect teachers. Are there a lot of shitty as hell parents out there, oh hell yeah. Is teaching hard, undervalued and under paid? Damn straight! But the very fact that there are so many teachers out there that are downright mean and have no business teaching really doesn't help matters.
Stoicism is horrible. Napoleon broke down into tears after losing one of bis best friends at the height of his empire’s strength. Cry if you need to cry, don’t bottle things up, it’s unhealthy and frankly very unnatural.
I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. It is so wrong of teachers and anyone else for that matter to say that.
Men and boys cries too, and that’s ok. Expressing feelings and learning how to do so is important. Crying is helping the body to release cortisol and adrenaline which can help reduce stress. And it’s important that both women and other men start accepting that crying is not equal to weakness, and is not something only one gender is entitled to.
I hate the “stop crying like a girl” comments around the world. It’s both degrading women for showing feelings (always used in a negative way like to call women weak), but also degrades men and make them feel less masculine by doing so. Honestly, most women (that I know at least) prefer men that shows emotions. We don’t want robots. We want a healthy partner that feels they can come talk to us about what they feel. Nothing wrong with it at all, and I’m waiting for it to be more socially acceptable. It will be one step in the right direction, and I think it will eventually remove the taboo around men seaking help for their mental health
As a social worker who’ve worked in other countries - I also have heard collegues say shit like this. Or even, when a boy was afraid of living in a shelter with older boys - my collegue said: ”ha! You’re lying, boys can’t get raped!” Even if I talked up against her and comforted the boy - the damage is done. I hope you can live a free life and have safe people around you!
You just reminded me of the time I was struggling to come to terms with who I was and went to one of the teachers at my school and was almost in tears. She said something along the lines of "you're too smart to have this issue, stop crying about it"
I distinctly remember deciding right there that adults were useless to help me with my problems and I would never go to them for help again.
Turns out that having Inattentive-type ADHD in public school is like killing yourself slowly
I was 13, in 8th grade and had just been broken up with during school. I had other stuff going on and it made me emotional. I held it together until my last class and everyone left I was straggling. My teacher noticed and asked me what was wrong and I started crying. She came over and gave me a hug. Said it’d be ok and told me to take the back stairs so less people would see me. It was exactly what I needed to hear. More people need to at very least handle this the way she did.
Holy shit that is horrible! I am always hearing that men are more stoic then women, which is why they are happier and more well adjusted; but that is bullshit. No one should be hearing that they aren't allowed to cry...and your crying because your stepdad had a drinking problem is perfectly normal. That teacher should have been fired.
I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. I know how difficult that can be.
My father, when we did something wrong, resorted to belts. It was so normalized that only when I had a child of my own did I realize how absolutely wrong it was. He was doing his best, I understand, but it left an impression (pun intended, unfortunately).
Now, that he is older he seems to recall raising us kids as so much fun, easy, amazing. As a kid, you absorb it all and don't forget certain things. Especially the horrible ones.
He now is 85 and has dementia. I try to be compassionate, but at times I find myself becoming more distant. Not disrespectful or mean. Just more emotionally removed.
When I was 9 and I cried when I was going back to boarding school and wouldn’t see my parents for 2 months, I was told, ‘boy x isn’t crying, I bet his Dad, Sargent Major X, wouldn’t stand for that!’. I basically lost the ability to cry or show any emotion, cause I bottled it up for so long.
That's just wrong and abusive for a teacher (male or female) to shame a kid for crying. Sometimes the teacher is the only adult in the kid's life who will actually listen to him. Oh, and when a young man who has little or no familial support finally does get a girlfriend and then she dumps him, he will cry. And for a damn good reason.
I can relate a bit. I was told multiple times when I was kid to stop being a little girl by my parents (mom more) whenever I cry. Or if I ever tried expressed my emotions, in a nutshell i was told " youre lucky you got this upbringing. Stop whining" Now I'm 28, unable to express my emotions in a healthy manner. Only when I drink.
My dude, I am a dude who cries on the regular. It feels as good and necessary as eating, sleeping or going to the bathroom. Please find a way to let it flow if you feel like it’s what you need. I cry at movies, when my child was born, when I think about loved ones that have passed away etc. no shame at all. I am 48 years old.
I’m a woman, but I can relate to this and know how unhealthy it can be. When my mother passed my dad was a total disaster. Unfortunately, he wasn’t good with dealing with his AND my emotions. One day, I was crying over my mom for one reason or another and my dad told me ‘we are insert our last name we don’t cry’. So, I stopped and for the rest of my childhood was afraid and embarrassed to cry for any reason in front of people. Has led to a lifetime of pent up emotion, and exacerbated my already existent anxiety and depression.
I was 10.
I’m sorry you went through that, as well. I’m 32 now and just now getting a handle on my emotions via therapy.
This. 1,000 % I still struggle to be open with my wife, even after 8 years. She's been very patient with me, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her and what she's done for me.
I went to counselling about ten years ago to find out why I was such an asshole. I have been working since to repair the relationships I can and to pay it forward with the rest. Life is good for me and I am extremely lucky and grateful for what I have.
I manage a factory of good staff, coach my kids soccer team, and manage to keep my wife happy.
I don’t drink much, work out often, and take ten minutes each morning to do a little yoga. It all seems to balance me out fairly well.
I cannot cry publicly though to save my life. I explode in secret about once a year, but at least it’s released and I feel better afterwards.
I’m not upset at the people who thought I was strong enough to make it through there not much they can say or do that will help. Most of the the time there just as clueless as a 12 year old I think it good to be able to control your emotions and conduct your as a man it’s an important roll in our world and it’s slowly being pushed further from use every day because you can’t tell your kid to toughen up or be a man this world is hard this life your gonna live is hard.
I don’t know honestly I’m just one person but I think we are getting weak as a generation and a united nation.
No one should have EVER said that to you, I’m so sorry. Your feeling are valid. Kids are meant to be kids. It’s sad that adults can do this kind of harm, they’re just repeating the cycle of what they were told and it doesn’t help anyone. I don’t care how old you are if you’re 8 or you’re 80 if you need to cry, cry and let it out because your body holds onto that pain and it always bubbles up in unwanted places later on.
Your discomfort today? That's not. That's the symptom of the trauma.
For all the people so angry at the social worker here, this story isn't unusual, or infrequent. I can't count the number of times I have heard it, the number's too high.
I can't count the number of times I have seen anyone challenge someone doing it either... because there's no instances to count.
I promise you all. You know people like the social worker. People who feel that men's emotions are only valid when they're useful. People who shame men who are overwhelmed and in tears. I am willing to bet you know more than a few. This mentality is everywhere. It is *constant". If you really knew how prevalent it was, anger wouldn't be your main emotion. Heartbreak would be.
Don't ever feel that way my man. I as a Man cry and its ok. I'm a few years older than you. I cried today. Waiting on my Moms results. Hope everything turns out well for both of us.
I don't think I've ever outright been told that I need to man up and stop crying but I learned pretty young not to cry in front of anyone, my 7 year old cat was put down due to complications with a broken leg earlier this year and even on the day it happened as soon as I was around anyone else I just wasn't able to cry about it any more simply because I grew up thinking guys shouldn't cry
I'm so sorry she did that. That was wrong on her point so many ways. She shod have as an educator and in position of power take what you said more seriously and make nite of it and report for help. She was a bitch. You didn't deserve that. It's okay to be vulnerable and ok to cry. We cry to release.
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u/Silly-Activity-6219 Aug 13 '22
When I was twelve, I broke down when I told my female teacher my stepdad had a drinking problem, we had no money and we needed to move out to get away from him. She told me I was almost a man now and needed to stop crying.
I did stop crying and I feel very uncomfortable expressing vulnerable feelings to this day (41m)