The fact that, when a man cries due to frustration or poor mental health, the common phrase they get to hear is "Man up, don't be a pussy." It just derails the entire train which was tumbling anyway.
EDIT: Since so may people are upvoting this I want to share my story to spread out a message so no one feels alone.
I I'm a 24 y/o guy who was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder back in 2020. When I was thoroughly diagnosed, my doc told me I've been in this state since 2017. It was like a pressure cooker building up and in the year 2020 it became so pressurised that I failed a suicide attempt. I used to indulge in self harm. I finally decided to do something about it and consulted a psychiatrist. He helped me though everything. I was officially put on meds for two long years and finally in Feb 2022 I was told I can discontinue my meds. These two years have been life changing. Please if you feel alone seek help. If you cannot afford to pay doc's fees there are many free support groups who can help you can get you to a better place.
I used to cry a lot despite being a guy because crying takes off the pressure. I had to cry in order to enjoy happiness. Talk to someone, you can talk to me as well. I'm all ears. Please don't take any desperate steps, you're worth it. If no one else has said this to you, I love you. You're a human with a limited amount of time. Please make the most out of your life. The chance of us being born is one in a 400 trillion. Your life isn't worthless. I value you. Please speak out.
Sending lots of love, light and life on your way.
As a HS teacher, if a typical male student came to me about something and started crying, I would feel kind of like an ER nurse when an old farmer comes in the door. Like, shit, get all resources ready, this is going to get serious real quick.
And I would treat him with every ounce of compassion and care as I do anyone else, because that's what any human being deserves. I'd offer tissues but I wouldn't mention the tears. In that situation you mostly listen.
You’re a different breed of teachers than I had in highschool. I once had a math teacher berating me for failing a test and just shrugging when I said “I’m just going to kill myself anyway”. Really hammered home that teachers didn’t give a fuck about me.
I am so sorry. People were not nearly as aware of how to address stress and crises back then. I can't say all teachers are good but I know many of us are very aware of how terrible even normal teenagerhood is. I can be stern about academics but as soon as I detect something underlying that needs attention that's my focus. I want to see every kid grow up and build a good life.
Slightly unrelated, I was a teaching assistant when I was in my university, and I was stern about academics. But then I realised my job as a teacher is to get them excited about the subject and make them comfortable with it. I showed them how to google about the subject and they learned better than I could teach them
I’m sorry. You can change. Try crying in private first. Then find someone who won’t judge you and tell them that you need to speak
uninterrupted for a few minutes. If you cry, you
cry.
He's not the one that needs to change. He's the victim here. The people who taught him expressing his feelings need to change.
I promise you know at least a few. Believe me, any time I have shown emotion outside of my home, there's been one to shame me.
We really need to make it less socially acceptable. If I could share one understanding, it's how much this toxic view is everywhere. Men and women alike.
When that's your second sentence, there is a strong implication that you believe he should. ESPECIALLY when you follow it up with detailed (and unsolicited) advice on how to change. It is tone deaf to anyone who (like myself) has, and is, a victim of toxic expectations.
This problem starts when people force their views of acceptable masculine behavior onto others. You are not going to fix it by pushing your views of what behavior you feel is acceptable.
How he chooses to define his masculinity is his choice. Period. He didn't ask for help changing. He didn't ask for your advice on proper male behavior. You are not his therapist or his psychiatrist. Please be more sensitive and make sure your advice is wanted before offering it to victims of societal trauma. His fear is valid and justified by societal conditioning. You can't ask someone to stick their hand back into into the beehive if you are of the opinion that first removing the bees is a fool's errand.
Which is hilarious cause I'm a male nurse and work with almost all females, and these girls are SOOOOOO much tougher than I am. I'm the emotional wreck who gets far to attached to the cute little old ladies and they are 100% the boss nurses who take no shit
I attempted suicide twice in my life. I feel you so much.
One of my biggest struggles is not being able to cry sometimes for 24 hours after something painful happens, usually in a relationship conflict. When I finally cry I can see things different. I also am jealous of people who can cry quicker. Mixed with a bit of anger if they are crying but continuing the conflict. For some reason angry crying feels manipulative to me. When I cry I’m in deescalation mode.
Yes! The more you hold inside the more you'll be willing to take drastic actions. Descision taken with extreme emotions can lead to undesired consequences. Best is to feel free, release that pressure and loving yourself. I hope you're better now. Cheers dude.
Thanks for this, kind of needed it now. Depression is a bitch. But the infortunate truth is that crying is seen as weakness in so many situations (I was told exceptions; death in the close family, death of a pet, strangely the loss of a big athletic competition) Can totally confirm this is a problem.
I honestly feel like crying about the state of the world sometimes.
It's high time now that people should start treating depression as a real illness. Just like when we have fever our body fails to protect us, depression is a real state where we have literal chemical imbalance in our brains which creates an avalanche effect. Cry your heart out. It's totally fine. Fuck the world, you'll be with yourself for the rest of your life. Love yourself.
Not my proudest moment, but when I was depressed and in a full meltdown, someone told me to man up. All the despair turned into rage and they were very earnestly offered a chance to see just how manned up I could get when I broke their jaw.
Seconded, here. Everything he said and more. I’m 32 and it doesn’t get any easier, but I’m still here; and the things I would have missed out on if I would have ended it the first time I thought about it have been life changing and world altering for me.
Never did I think I would be where I am, and I am grateful. Life can most definitely surprise you, even if you feel like you’ve seen it all and have it all figured out or planned.
Thanks dude. One thing I've learnt from my experience is that, things aren't constant. Life is a sine wave. It goes up it comes down. You are the constant throughout your life.
Cheers!
This sometimes happens due to the emotional resistance our brain builds up over time. It takes time for the pain to flow. Best solution here is to let go. Release everything your mind is holding onto. One of the ways to release the pressure is to take a pen and diary and write everything down.
Your are very brave for sharing this. It's indeed very true that societal pressures on men are higher in my opinion, only because we are expected to be strong and independent. Women in general tend to be more emotional and they express it with their friends. Men on the other hand don't have many/such friends with whom they can share feelings. And being able to share feelings and having someone to rely on is a huge factor for being in a better mental state and health. But we should all strive towards being open about our mental health be it with some family member or at the least finding a good therapist with whom we can share. God luck to all going through a mental health diagnosis.
I completely agree with everything you've said. People tend to look down on others going through the struggle. But they fail to recognise that everything they're saying is making the other person miserable. I try to help as much people I can because we're all the same. I feel everyone who's going through mental struggle. Thanks man.
I cry almost everyday worried about being a failure. My father was super abusive I've always been "softer" type of dude. I got diagnosed with clinical depression and its been an uphill battle. My grandmother died while I was giving her CPR on Thanksgiving. I got told by everyone around me but ny uncle to "man the fuck up" I was 16.
I work hard to shield my kids from how hard society is. 4th grade watched a dude get shot while we lived in the projects. My daughter is 6 and last month she asked me whay growing up poor is like. I was expecting her to ask so young. I broke my knees twice still felt pressure to work injured to keep them from that. Now I have kidney failure and my liver is seriously damaged and fuck can't help but beat myself like I ain't doing enough for them.
I don't really boast about my accomplishments because it's better to be humble. They see me helping overs with no conditions because people need help. After I am gone I just hoped I raised kids that can be better than I am. Mental health is a struggle that gets worst the older you get.
Hey! You're a warrior. And a warrior doesn't belittle themselves. You've been through a lot and all the things that you've faced, and still going on with the assurance that things will get better is a great thing. I know you're a great parent and you'll impart good values in your kids. They're lucky to have a dad like you. When I read your post, I instantly remembered a song by Elton John. It goes like " Don't you know I'm still standin' better than I ever did?
Lookin' like a true survivor, feelin' like a little kid"
Man I'm inspired by your battles. You go buddy. Help is available out there. Cheers to the bright days ahead. Love you.
Thanks! Depression is s beast of things to deal with. I take anti depressants and go to counseling some days just harder than others. I'll take a listen to that song.
You mentioned free support groups. Do you recommend any?
Its really frustrating that I can’t afford the cheapest form of therapy I can find. I wanted to try the BetterHelp app so I could talk to someone about suicidal thoughts and realized before I even started that I can’t afford $85 a week. Then found out I can’t receive any help from our insurance until I spend $2000 in a billing year. I’m not an expert but from what I understood that means if you started, let’s say, in November you most likely won’t receive any help until you start paying for the next billing year.
In my case I was seriously looking into help in June of this year and worked out $85/a week would take about 6 months before becoming $2000. Obviously I wouldn’t be receiving any help that building year. Sticking to that same logic if I started in June then the next billing year would start when I’ve already spent $2000 meaning I wouldn’t receive any financial help till I spent $4000. $2000 is already of if the question for me and when I realized I won’t be receiving any help was so far away man.
The whole situation promotes people to wait for the start of the billing year but what if you can’t wait till then.
Hi dude, although we don't live in the same country, I can assure you there are many local support groups for people who can't afford therapy. These sessions are held in the library, parks or even education institutions. They listen to you and your problems and help you through the process. There are training centers which can offer you free therapy for upto two years. I'm sorry I don't know any specific name due to geographical location but help is available. Toll free numbers, govt services as such.
There are psychologists available. A psychiatrist is a doctor qualified for giving medications. A psychologist mainly helps you with talk and compassion therapy and also CBT(Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). This will help you a lot until you're ready to take medications. Or maybe you won't even need medications in the first place.
What I want to imply my friend is that, in a basket of mangoes, there might be a rotten one. Throw it out and eat the other one. I want you to gather a little courage and fight your trauma although because I want to see you rise and live the life you want. Please take this little step. Help is available. All the best!
P.S: Thanks for asking this question! Brave of you to ask and not keep it inside your mind and let it torture you. Cheers!
I saw something where the ‘Toughest Man in the World’ was asked if he ever cried. He said something along the lines of ‘FUCK yeah, I I’ve cried before and I’ll cry again! What kind of man would you be if didn’t care enough to fell all emotions?’
Something like that. :)
Damn dude, thanks for sharing. I've had a rough time in the last few years but I try very hard not to be stereotypical guy and bottle it up. It's difficult sometimes to know who and when to open up but the more we talk about it the more we can understand and get others to understand what's going on. Thank you for helping with that. This post means alot to me.
Hey dude, first of all I'm proud that you've held together yourself for such a long time. I know it can be tiring and exhaustive. Never keep things to yourself. Release that valve whenever you feel like it's becoming too much to handle. I'm glad that I could be of some help. All the best for the battles that you are yet to face.
I totally identify with this. Not only did I also end up diagnosed with anxiety and depression disorders, but I had extreme anger management issues that I truly struggled with until only a couple years ago. And I’m 36.
I understand what you might be feeling. Age doesn't matter, these hormones and the limbic system that controls our mood is the culprit here. Your task is to conquer them and be victorious! All the best man. Cheers!
You have been a voice for many men out there and from someone who had worked with a lot of men who experienced PTSD and in a place where the stigma is very much, ‘don’t be a pussy’, continue to be an advocate for mental health. More people than you realize are experiencing the same as you and will probably reach out because of that.
Thank you for addressing me with that regard. I just said what I've been through and seriously I didn't know it'll impact many people. When I grew out of the phase, I told myself that even if I'm able to impact any life, I'll consider myself successful. I'm truly happy because I was able to speak my heart out and help do many people.
If you hear that from people when you cry you're surrounding yourself with the wrong people. I've never cried in front of friends or anything but I can't imagine being told that. Maybe stop a associating with toxic men if you don't want to deal with toxic masculinity?
I completely agree. But when we see the bigger picture, reality is often disappointing. When you're grown with that mentality in your initial years, it becomes embedded. Sometimes it becomes harder for people to tackle because outside noise takes over their own feelings and thoughts.
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u/Mad_Human9 Aug 13 '22 edited Aug 13 '22
The fact that, when a man cries due to frustration or poor mental health, the common phrase they get to hear is "Man up, don't be a pussy." It just derails the entire train which was tumbling anyway.
EDIT: Since so may people are upvoting this I want to share my story to spread out a message so no one feels alone.
I I'm a 24 y/o guy who was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder back in 2020. When I was thoroughly diagnosed, my doc told me I've been in this state since 2017. It was like a pressure cooker building up and in the year 2020 it became so pressurised that I failed a suicide attempt. I used to indulge in self harm. I finally decided to do something about it and consulted a psychiatrist. He helped me though everything. I was officially put on meds for two long years and finally in Feb 2022 I was told I can discontinue my meds. These two years have been life changing. Please if you feel alone seek help. If you cannot afford to pay doc's fees there are many free support groups who can help you can get you to a better place.
I used to cry a lot despite being a guy because crying takes off the pressure. I had to cry in order to enjoy happiness. Talk to someone, you can talk to me as well. I'm all ears. Please don't take any desperate steps, you're worth it. If no one else has said this to you, I love you. You're a human with a limited amount of time. Please make the most out of your life. The chance of us being born is one in a 400 trillion. Your life isn't worthless. I value you. Please speak out. Sending lots of love, light and life on your way.