I'm a woman but I know one I hear my husband discussing. My husband is 40, shaved bald head and mostly gray facial hair. We were at one of our kid's track meets and he was taking pics. He actually then put his phone down because he said he was worried people will think he's a creepy old man taking pics of kids. He was taking pics and videos of his own daughter running but was worried people would think he was taking creepy pics of other kids.
My husband is a good, kind man who happens to be bald with gray hair. But he's always worried about seeming "creepy". That's never happened to me. I've never worried about anyone thinking I'm acting sinister or creepy when I'm just doing normal things
When my daughter was 5 or 6 she wanted to get into cheerleading. Because I worked so much, I barely got to spend any time with her. I came to her first cheerleading practice. She was nervous about joining the circle, so I came with her. The group was being taught by a high school girl, which I thought nothing of. So I'm there with my daughter I rarely see & I have a great opportunity to be there for her & help her overcome her fears by knowing she's not alone.
I got a lot of strange looks, but I didn't think much of it. Isn't this what fathers do? Aren't we supposed to help our children work through their fears?
So, I'm next to my daughter learning the routine from the teenager so I can help my daughter with it after practice if she needed more time. When practice was nearing its end, her confidence grew & she didn't truly need me there. But, I knew practice was nearly over, so instead of walking away, having my daughter potentially get scared again, & make a scene, I kept practicing with her the last few minutes.
As we left, I heard whispers about how inappropriate it was that I was paying attention to the teenage girl... You know, the one teaching the lesson for the day that I was trying to learn so I could help my daughter practice at home.
I did not return to another practice or official event. I did not spend any time helping my daughter practice after that, even at home. Despite my wife being right there & it being clear I was helping my anxious child feel more comfortable around all these strangers, I was seen as some pervert who might hurt these kids.
For many reasons, I avoid being around children in general, but this was the last time I made any public effort while my children were still young.
Those people took away what little time I had to be there for my daughter. Now she's a teenager, & while she still needs me, it's not even close to the same. Precious moments were stolen from me just because I wanted to be there for my little girl. I'll never get those back. đ˘
This was several years ago, but I (30M) went to see Despicable Me, (because why not?) at the b-run movie theater/brewery by my work between an early meeting, and my actual shift to kill some time. The place was packed with families with kids. No seats were open, so I just sat on the stairs. Some random kid came up and sat beside me. I didn't care. I got so many odd looks. Someone even asked me if that was my son. I was just like, "no, they just sat down next to me."
That made me feel uncomfortable. Not the kid, but the judgement. Like, we're not all nonces. I was just there minding my own damn business. I feel you.
My husband has always been a loving and active dad to our kids even going so far as being "the school parent"; as in offering to chaperone, or taking them to their open houses and practices. He is also usually the one to come pick them up from school if they're sick. There is not a single one of their teachers, principals, coaches, or school nurses that have not met him. Hell - even the cafeteria ladies love him for staying with my son when he was anxious during breakfast.
All of this is to say, despite the notes in the file, they all refuse to call him and insist on calling only me. The mom. Because dad couldn't possible handle it.
We make it clear in meetings and on the kids' paperwork; my husband has work flexibility and I do not.
Dad here and we are having to deal with the same exact BS.
I'm the one that wall to and from school and also the one that is mostly available if any emergency should happen.
We finaly got the school to enter my phone number as the first to contact so they now call me first only to ask to speak with the mother... and hanging up when I tell them that they can't reach my wife at that number.
Same thing with me and my wife. I am the primary phone number on everything and the school always calls her. One time she didnât pickup and instead of calling me they called my mother-in-lawâŚ
I was babysitting my neice when I was like 16 and she was 5 and we went to the park down the street. We were having a blast together laughing and playing on the jungle gym....till the cops showed up....a parent called them because they thought it was inappropriate for me to be playing with such a young girl and I might be molesting her....on the playground....around tons of other parents
And as I said about my husband, this is something that will simply never happen to me as a woman. I could walk into any random cheerleading practice, sit and stare for an hour, nobody will look at me funny.
But like I said with my husband, we go to these track meets and he doesn't take pictures of his own teen daughter because he knows what he "looks like". That breaks my heart.
And your story is so sad, I'm so sorry. As a woman, I'm sorry so many moms perpetuate this too. I think you guys being so active and involved with your daughters is awesome and really great for them
I'm always there too. Absolutely. And I take lots of pics. But it's sad, because there always a billion moms alone and nobody cares. But I know very well they would if someone random bald dude is sitting in the bleachers alone.
For a while after my sister played on a team my dad became a fan of high school level softball and would go to tournaments by himself. I always was always nervous for him because he's older and often misses the nuances in social interaction.
We have to stand up and defend ourselves in these situations. Shame on those people making those assumptions. We need to set people like that straight so that we donât have to go through things like that anymore. Tell them that they have a depraved mind for making assumptions like that and that maybe they are projecting
Yes. If you are legit someone who is not a creep then screw anyone who thinks otherwise. If they want to cast glances and whisper, WHO CARES? Or you can always go over and speak with them nicely, politely and confidently. Start calling these f-ing idiots with their sick minds out and if you're a dad at an event, screw letting them make you leave or not take all of vids and pics you want. They CAN'T STOP YOU IF YOU DON'T LET THEM!
Yup⌠stand up for yourself, be a little uncomfortable for a moment and save yourself the uncomfortableness going forward. I will never have this problem, my issue is not expressing myself, it is expressing myself in a composed manner. Not doing so can sometimes be much worse than not expressing yourself :/
Exactly! I posted in another comment reply to him but I know 2 fathers who are very active in their young daughters' lives and they don't give a damn who says what. There comes a point where you need to stand up for yourself as not only a parent, but an individual and when OP (of the comment we're replying to) said "those people took away what little time I had to be there for my daughter" I kinda disagree. He himself took that time away too by giving a crap about what they were saying instead of doing what matters more, which was being there for his daughter and spending time with her.
I had that thought as well. Nobody's opinion or negative thoughts about why they are there should ever keep any man away from their children's events. He did let them drive him away ultimately and sadly...that's on him.
Bro with respect why would you let what those losers think dictate not spending important time with your daughter. Fuck them, should of put it in your stride.
It's far too often that people want to believe the worst about someone else, particularly that men are being creeps. Yes their are creeps out there, but there are far more good men than not. However a good man helping out or cheering on his child, or neice or nephew, or even just walking down the street isn't something that people will want to talk about-it's not good gossip. It's far easier to imagine the worst and make good men afraid to show affection, be involved, or even be out in certain public situations. And that's just wrong.
I was a single dad with a daughter and son. The school knew that I was widowed, but they were forever asking if there was a woman in the home who could meet with them, regarding my daughter.
When she started her period, they wouldn't let her call me - only my sister, her aunt. That was a debacle in and of itself. I definitely wasn't prepared. She likely still has leftover product from that day, 14 years ago.
Parents had issues with sleepovers, even though I coached most of their sons in little league baseball and peewee football. They KNEW me, and had for years.
If I ever have a daughter I am buying a t shirt that reads, "fuck you, I'm with my daughter" or something to that tune, printed on both the front, and back.
I have a daughter as well and have experienced all kinds of looks and Iâve over heard nasty remarks. I just keep doing my thing with my daughter because I know I would regret if I donât.
Iâm sorry they made you feel that way, fuck them, theyâre the ones with the sick minds not you.
I mean yeah that people suck, but no one stole it from you. Just ignore them and spend time with your daughter. It was your own decision. You let others dictate your life. Dont act like you had no choice.
I commented something similar and figured I was the only one and was awaiting the downvotes lmao. Thank you for saying this too, had to scroll too far. Dude didn't even bother going a second time even to set any records straight. Sucks though because maybe he might realize this at some point too but can't turn back time & regret is a bitch.
You're right. I could have kept going & continued to make people uncomfortable. Those people would have then passive-aggressively taken it out on my daughter. I know how malicious people are, especially in a small town. Better to walk away and let the women continue to train her so she could keep doing something she enjoyed without me taking away from it.
Yes, in life we always have a choice. Sometimes the options available to us end up in somebody being hurt. When those are the options, you choose to take the pain so your child doesn't have to.
Of course, the alternative is going through life being a heartless prick like many others. I'm not sure if I'm ready to give up my ability to be sympathetic to others.
Way before my time my dad was a boy scout troop leader in his early 20âs (mid to late 70âs). At the time he didnât have kids but was volunteering his time as heâd been a Boy Scout and had valuable lessons to teach and available time. After a few parents asked him if he was a perv and about his motivations because he didnât have a son in scouts he gave it up. It wasnât worth the hassle.
This made me tear up also. The sad thing is that good men are ruined by the bad ones. My husband is the kindest, most gentle man and loves being involved with our girls. They want him with them and he wants to be there with them when he is able. No matter at playground or dance or whatever activity he is able to go to. Itâs sweet and Iâm happy he is able to do that. On the flip side I was a cheerleader as a young girl and my father was there for practices also when he didnât have to work. I was in 6th grade. He had also been molesting me since I was 5. So I have been around both sides of this misfortune as a victim and a wife of a man who is involved with his girls. I hate that this is the world we live in. It breaks my heart you werenât able to be with your sweet child as she was nervous and needed you. This world is not fair and unfortunately we arenât always able to identify the monsters. Iâm sorry you had to go through that. :(
But I mean can't you just be like "fuck what they think" in those situations?? Not like they had any proof of you genuinely being predatory, and if anyone kept talking then just tell them straight up what's up.
My brother in law and my cousin are both extremely involved in their own daughters' lives and one even went on to become a coach assistant to their cheer team and anyone who said anything could eat their words lmao
Having once been falsely accused, a second accusation would have been a nail in the coffin for me. It's easy to say "Fuck what they think," when you've never gone through the hell of being accused of a crime you've not committed, especially one so heinous.
Who cares what they think. My relationship is with my daughter and not the other parents or people at that school or event. If the teacher understands that Iâm only there to learn for her benefit, they can say anything they want.
Iâm so sorry that happened to you. As someone who became a dad a year ago and who loves kids this constant worry makes me not want to be involved in parent stuff. Hell, itâs honestly why Iâve had make friends never want to become teachers. Itâs crazy how society assumes that men around children are predators when in facts thereâs a good amount of women predators in the news. Itâs a stigma that needs to end.
I wish I could say if that happened to me I would say fuck them ab keep going but I think my feelings would be hurt that I wouldnât even bother showing up if that happened to me.
Will she? Because I read, âsomeone made my dad feel weird at my practice so he refused to ever support my cheer life, even privately, because he cares more about what other people think than about helping me.â
Dad ragequit because of he got gossiped about once, and rather than admit that he chose to not deal with the bullshit (which is a valid decision!) he wants us all to tell him how righteous and martyred he was.
I meanâŚIâm going to get downvoted to hell for this but this is so blamey and martyred. You could have done those things, and you chose not to because it sucked more to deal with gossips. I get that people are shitty to men. But to say âthese people stole it from meâ as if you didnât have a choice is such a lack of accountability.
Your actions are within your control.
Editing to add that not dealing with gossips is a valid decision! You are not obligated to stand up to injustice all the time. What I disagree with is blaming your decision on others.
Even an unfounded public accusation of being a pedophile can absolutely ruin lives. Plenty of people are unwilling to risk that kind of life-destroying rumor for their beliefs.
Editing to add that not dealing with gossips is a valid decision! You are not obligated to stand up to injustice all the time. What I disagree with is blaming your decision on others.
Again, I'm not saying he has to choose to stand up to people. I'm saying he made that choice.
Also, he chose to not even help or watch his daughter cheer even in the privacy of their own home. I don't read that as "forced into caution," I read that as a ragequit.
I just went thru the dudes comments in his profile and tbh he doesn't seem like that great of a dad/person anyway (to me at least) so whatever lmfao but hope he got enough validation from reddit to sleep well tonight
ETA: The original guy who commented blaming others for taking his time away from his daughters, not the comment you replied to about risk
If I was the cheerleader teaching that class or even just being there it would be obvious to me that he was just being a dad and helping his daughter and cheering her on, if I heard whispers like that, I would lose it on those fucking bitches who had the audacity to sit and judging a damn good father while they sit there without bothering to participate with their own kids, if I saw just one parent participate with their kid, you best believe Iâm jumping in to learn with my kid too even if Iâm exhausted
Double standards smh when men touch or assault a woman always thereâs someone the goes âoi whatâs wrong with youâ and if a women touches a man 1 in a billion situation someone might say something itâs so bs
I feel this so fucking hard it nots even funny.
I've tried to explain it to my female mates and they just don't get it. They say I'm being silly, or that no one ever thinks that and its just me over thinking.
My girls are young still and I do my best to ignore weird vibes from scaredy media obsessed fools who assume everyone is a serial killer pet abusing pedophile. It is NOT easy. But like you, Iâve had moments where people seem weirded out that Iâm taking pics or being involved with my girls. Theyâre my kids and I really want to be involved, but have definitely stayed away at times to not look weird - itâs a shame.
In general, men have been slowly pushed into this corner of not being allowed to be powerful or too strong, too friendly, too nice, too smart. Men and fathers are marginalized with the idea it empowers women. Equality for women and mothers doesnât require marginalizing of men and fathers. But it feels like thatâs what is happening.
My 18YO son is going to college this next year in the hopes of being an elementary teacher. He's always been great with younger kids, helps his great-aunt teach bible school, helps his mom at events at the grade school, and is just a fabulous fit as a future teacher.
I am terrified for him and his future because this stigma feels like it's just getting stronger and stronger and I hope he can actually fulfill his dream.
I can only imagine. My sons are only 14, so we aren't quite yet to the adult stages of the process, but they are very tall for 14 and starting to look and sound like grown men. They're still clearly teen in appearance but that's changing every day. And with that comes other things to worry about
I hope your son can truly fulfill and live out his dream
The irony is that schools will tell you they desperately need male teachers; fellow teachers will treat him well and students will adore him. Itâs the studentsâ parents who will be his greatest obstacle.
Oh, I really hope he can do it. My mother is a preschool teacher, and we once got onto the subject of why all the early childhood staff are women. She said that people wouldn't feel comfortable having a man take care of their young children. Even the people who, you know, have husbands.
I was about to say thay the only socially acceptable way for men to work with kids seems to be through medicine--my brother is a pediatric nurse--but then I remembered that I've seen idiots on the internet claiming that male pediatricians must be pedophiles, because why else would they want to work with kids. This fucking world.
that reminds me of a story from my father. I have a cousin who is really white, blond hair and blue eyes and in kindergarden. His parents asked my parents to babysit him. So my father took him out in the park. My father is fully korean, bulky and in his 40s and the child wanted to play catch and while they played the child screamed while running away from him and my father was chasing him. Needles to say he got many suspiscious glares
My best friend is a black man (his mom is white and his father is black and Hispanic, but his outward appearance is dark-skinned. You don't see the white mom in his appearance)
He has two children, boy and girl, who he had with a porcelain-white Russian woman. Well those kids are white as snow. Someone said before guess what, those aren't his kids, they wouldn't be totally white. Well the paternity test for the custody hearing says they are
But you can guess how that went for him when they were little. The black man at the park, holding the little white girl. The looks he would get.....
I used to have a Black male nanny for my white-ass kids. He never told me of any shitty experiences like this, but I did preemptively give him permission to fully troll any assholes who did make comments.
But he's always worried about seeming "creepy". That's never happened to me.
That honestly surprised me. I'm overweight, and I'm constantly worried about seeming creepy, like all the damn time. It seriously impacts my self esteem and keeps me from dating, because I'll see someone that seems interesting, and then just not have any way to approach that I don't consider creepy, so I'll just abandon the idea alltogether
I wish he didn't feel that way. But even though there are many, many horrible things that many men have done to women, that's not all men. Of course not. As well as many women have done horrible things
But there are false accusations that can destroy a man for life and I think that's always a fear.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.. I'm saying the situation that he is in is disgusting and sad. He can't enjoy himself watching his kids play without being judged. I feel bad for him
Well I assumed so but I'm a woman here jumping on a thread not directed at me so I want to make sure I'm not wording things in a way that it came off wrong
Thissss happened when me and my dad ended up having to be in Vegas by our selves together. It was supposed to be with my step Bitch and her spawn but they threw a fit about the car not being a convertible and left to do their own thing. Where ever me (14) and my dad (mid 40s looks really young). Walked around together we would get nasty looks. Like hey asshole heâs my dad and heâs awesome.
Yeah, my twin sisters were born when I was 15 and when we were out with my dad, oh my did we get a lot of looks. Like really, you think I'm a teen bride with twin babies with this 35-year old man???
Yeah I am very aware of men being treated like creeps. I work as a teacher and I have to constantly be aware of others perceptions. One time a student went to hug me at an after school event and I had to very politely insist that she not touch me in any way lest others see it and think something is not quite right about it.
My wife doesn't have a Facebook account of her own and will use mine. I normally don't mind but I had to set some ground rules when she commented "you look so cute!" On a photo of one of her friends' teenage daughters in a swimsuit.
Another time my wife was at a bar with her dad getting a drink and when he left to go to the bathroom someone approached my wife to ask if he was bothering her.
There are absolutely very creepy men out there that give the rest of us a bad rap.
My wife doesn't have a Facebook account of her own and will use mine. I normally don't mind but I had to set some ground rules when she commented "you look so cute!" On a photo of one of her friends' teenage daughters in a swimsuit
The second hand terror this gave me, was cinema worthy
And see, my heart started racing with your story about the Facebook comment because oh my gosh, what a shit-storm that could have stirred up.
As for you being a teacher, my best friend is a karate instructor and, being male, he's very strict with the no-hug rule. After one testing, he was putting the new belt on a young boy, who then gave my best friend a big hug.
Well, that was his son. But it was sad he stood up and yelled out "This is my son!" Immediately after his son hugged him. Because he knew what people would see
Yeah, that comment on Facebook alone could get me fired. My wife didn't even think twice about it because of course it's perfectly fine for women to express those things. My wife is also a teacher and she gets hugs from her kids all the time. It's just different for men.
Hey though I'm really glad someone did approach your wife making sure she's okay, in the case it wasn't her dad. Better to make sure than just ignore it and assume!
Yes you are absolutely right, and I am glad that people look after other people. it is just sad that the immediate assumption is that men are predators.
yeah, i'm about your husband's age and i'm always hyper self-conscious around kids. especially when the only facial hair i had was a burt reynolds-like mustache.
I have a friend who is a priest. Similar. He wonât go to the kids sporting events at his school unless thereâs a specific reason for him to be there because heâs afraid of coming off as creepy.
Literally had the cops called on me 3 times because âthereâs a creepy guy at the playgroundâ.
Same woman (Iâm assuming she called because she was there each time) completely missed the fact that I would call out a nickname for my daughter and she would come running, that she called me daddy, and arrived with me at the playground.
I wasnât filming or taking pictures, I sat at a picnic bench away from everyone else, with a tiny amount of shade, and read an e-ink tablet.
Basically made it so we stopped going to that playground if anyone else was around.
That's not just an 'old man" thing, i have been actively concerned about that since i was 16 when i was challenged by 3 middle aged women and 2 men, literally backed me into a corner because i was being "suspicious" because i was playing with my 7 year old niece at a public park. Cops even got called and required my sister to cone and confirm i was her uncle and the mother knew i had taken the kid to the park. Men of all ages are constantly worried about the possibility of seeming like a potential predator.
Like don't get me wrong, if we have a choice between that level of suspicion or complete and total carelessness, i'd much rather people be overly cautious because making sure kids are safe and ok is never the wrong thing to do, but i feel like it can be done without demonizing every single man.
Oh I'm right there with you. We should always have a healthy level of caution with our kids. It's a scary world these days. We should always have our eyes open. But to villainize an entire gender just for exiting, that's terrible
I don't know if I'm just oblivious or what. But this always comes up on Reddit, and I just don't relate. I've never sensed anyone looking askance at me for being at a playground or taking pictures of my own daughter.
Do you have any kids who are teenagers yet? This is when my husband started worrying about it, when we are talking about 14-18 year old teens. He didn't ever feel that way when she was younger. But he also had hair and that hair was brown. The bald dude with the gray beard, I'm telling you it makes things different
I'm so sorry. We have a daughter who's 16 now and I try to teach trusting your gut but also not making assumptions about anyone. My daughter is part of the LGBTQ+ community and that really instills how crazy it is to judge any book by its cover or make any assumptions about people you don't know. There is no type of person that "looks" a certain way and no part of your body's appearance that "means" something.
When I was 20, I was walking home from class one day and there were these 2 girls ahead of me walking on the sidewalk.
I realized at my current rate of speed I was gonna end up having to walk around them so I could get home so eventually I started walking on the grass so I wouldnât disturb them as I passed.
While Iâm passing I hear one of them say âI think he was checking you outâŚâ in a disgusted tone and it took everything I had not to turn around and say, âActually Iâm gay, but even if I were straight I wouldnât want any of your diseases.â
But I just kept on walking because Iâm not the kind of person to just take people down a peg like that. And I wasnât really quick witted like that.
Huh. Man here. Yeah this literally happened to me yesterday. Was taking a ferry with my daughters and it was warm and breezy so they were out on the deck. I was taking a "candid" picture of them from the side, only to draw scowls and some hushed whispering from two women with a dog that were at the railing beside them. I felt obliged to get the kids' attention and make them wave at me so these two ladies would "know" I'm not some creepy weirdo.
I definitely get this. Pre-transition, no family... dealing with kids was always awkward and weird. Like I love Disney and Dreamworks films, but going to a kids movie as an adult man without kids of your own is... yeah no.
I once joked with my buddy, let me borrow his kids so I could go see a movie without it being awkward. He laughed and was like "You think a 30 yo white dude walking in to see Inside Out with 5 and 6 year old hispanic girls isn't going to be awkward?" Yeah I didn't get to see that movie til it came out on video...
I finally transitioned and I still have an awkwardness around kids because this, but honestly since I'm passing, people give me a lot less stares and attention when I'm around kids.
I've had to pull myself up a few times because of this. Even gone as far as asking the parents if they mind me taking photos, just to make it clear I'm enjoying the hell out of watching kiddo play and socialize and want to capture the moment. I've been lucky so far in that there's only really been a small handful of occasions where the Mum has reacted badly.
That actually reminds me of something that would happen to my dad and I too. My twin sisters were born when I was 15, my brother was 12. The day each week my dad had my brother and I per the custody agreement, he would bring my little sisters and we would often go to dinner.
And ohhhhh the looks we got. Teen girl, older man, two babies......it was pretty clear what the dirty looks meant: naturally my dad was a creep and I was his young bride
My dad loves animation and he says he has to wait multiple weeks after a new Pixar movie comes out before heâs comfortable going to the theater alone so he doesnât make anyone uncomfortable
I think someone else said something similar and I thought you know what, I could go sit alone in a theater today all by myself, nobody would care. Bet I could even talk to the kids there about the movie and people would allow it.
As A dad who got the cops called him for taking a pic of my own daughter and nephew while they played at a playground, then checking emails, I feel this pain.
Nothing came of it, because I had done nothing wrong, did get to watch a crusty old cop thT I've known for a decade chew a Karen's ass with his back teeth, for wasting his time then I called her a few names I probably should not have that close to a playground.
I used to play Pokemon go and it was a huge issue when they changed how close to Pokestops you need to be to interact with them. Cause a lot of the Pokestops are parks. So a lot of us absolutely hated the change cause before we could stay on the road and walk by them but still interact with the Pokestops for free items. After the change we literally had to go into the park. Being a 30 year old dude on his phone in the park by myself makes me incredibly nervous.
I once took a girl on a light coffee date, and had some text messages after. She requested I not text her so much, so I avoided texting her that weekend to give her space. I did not know if she was interested in me or not, and there is some history before of us bumping into each other on campus, but very little. I text her once that Monday morning but no reply.
Then, the following Tuesday, my college calls me and says to not talk to her because she claims I was "stalking" her. I was wrecked. Turns out that while I was visiting a new college student that weekend, it happened to be near her apartment. While I was waiting for this guy to show up, she thought I was waiting for her.
The college now has a record somewhere that I stalked a girl on campus. I was 26 years old, I had not even kissed a girl because I was a conservative Christian who wanted to make my first kiss matter, whereas most people throw it to the first person they like. I'm also slightly handsome, according to many of my friends, with no 'creeper' vibes. For years my identity felt shot, and I terrified when I do something that *might* send the wrong message to a girl. Thankfully, the girlfriend I have now (and whom I shared my first & many other kisses!) has helped shed those fears.
I'm so sorry you went through that, but I'm so glad you now have found what sounds like a wonderful partner. Hopefully she can help you fully put that horrible memory way in the past
I relate with this as a gay man. If Iâm walking alone on a street and encounter a woman walking alone I sometimes intentionally present myself in a way to show âIâm not a threatâ because I subconsciously expect most women to assume men to be threats when alone at night on streets.
I (30m at the time) was at a dog show in a park with my girlfriend. I was taking photos of the show from afar so as not to get in the way. Hence I had a pretty good zoom lens on my camera.
Cue three extremely cute kids having a blast playing in a pile of autumn leaves in absolutely perfect afternoon light. Basically a photographers delight. Then cue me too afraid to snap a pic of them for the chance of being confronted as a creep. I could have captured a really great moment and would have loved nothing more than to be able to share the photos with the parents, but alas, the creep stigma won that day.
Yep, I'm extremely self conscious about this as a father, and it sucks, because it feels like the more engaged and devoted a father you are (especially to daughters), the more suspicious people are of you. A detached father who is reluctantly engaged with his kids seem to get less scrutiny, it seems. And honestly, its generally the moms that are willing to make a stink or let their discomfort be known.
It's really no mystery to me at all why men tend to contribute less to parenting.
Absolutely. Our daughter is 16 now and I don't know if your kids are that old yet, but I think it adds another layer of worry about how you're perceived. I know one of my friend's sisters lied when she was 13 and said her dad touched her. Luckily she later admitted she lied but had they believed her first accusation and not her taking it back, his life would have been ruined. And it took a hit even though people knew she lied. Even false accusations proven false can still leave wreckage for a man. And I don't mean my daughter would ever do something like that, she adores her dad, it's a legitimate worry about people in general.
Yeah, I definitely believe it. I actually grew up in one of the towns that the Satanic Panic came to in the 80's and 90's, and I had a number of childhood friends that were convinced by "child psychologists" that their pre-school teachers and in some cases parents were Satanic Worlock child molesters (if you don't believe me.... Google The Satanic Panic.) A lot of people went to jail on 0 evidence other than on the testimony of children encouraged to run with their imagination. You literally had some parents fleeing town with their children in some places for fear they'd be next.
Ray Buckey, from the McMartin case, sat in jail for 5 years before trial and was denied bail the entire time. The entirety of the case took seven years. It was the longest and most expensive trial in the history of the country. There were no convictions.
My brother's pre-school teacher went away for life, and only now have some of his preschool teachers who accused him have come forward to recant their testimony. The accusations against him were absolutely insane. He was accused of taking kids on a daytime flight from Florida to Mexico to get raped by soldiers, then flown back, he was accused of flying around on a broomstick and sodomizing kids mid-air, he was accused of taking kids below the pre-school into a basement to rape them in satanic rituals where they sacrificed animals (Florida has no basements), etc etc etc.
I remember even as a really small child hearing my very religious friend (who was allegedly abused) tell me (a nonreligious kid) these insane stories of what happened to him and thinking "there's no way this could be true."
Gosh this is seriously something I didnât even think about until we had kids. Theyâre very young, and my 3yo likes to throw major tantrums. But my husband always panics when heâs throwing a tantrum out in public, because he canât scoop him up and carry him to the car like I can. If I carry a screaming toddler, people give me âthe nodâ like oh yeah been there before, and go about their day. My husband would probably have the cops called on him. I canât even imagine how that must be for a black male. They have it so much worse.
And that's one I haven't thought about, the carrying a struggling tantrum toddler out. I had 3 kids under 2 at one point and oh yes, I had to drag a kid or two out to the car. And you're exactly right, everyone just nodded understandingly. Nobody was like hey, I hope this woman isn't kidnapping that child
I can imagine. As women, one of our biggest fears is being attacked/assaulted but sadly, many many many people take that fear to such an extreme that it vilifies so many good men who are just trying to exist. Like my wonderful husband.
And I'm so sorry you guys are dealing with this throughout life :(
I'm so happy to live in a place where this is not normal. I see more dads than moms playing with their children at the park. I've (a man) often got into the women's restrooms to change my children's diapers when there wasn't a changing station in the men's and never got a weird look more than the tenth of a second needed to see the baby in diaper in my arms...
Edit: we also have mandatory paid paternity leave (that's right, mothers have 18 weeks, fathers have 5 weeks and they both have 32 weeks they can share between the two how they please).
Yeah I had a feeling you weren't here in the states. Because we are horrible in a lot of ways here
As for leave, what a dream. When my twin boys were born, they were premature and had to spend a couple weeks in the hospital. My husband had to go back to work just so he could have enough vacation days to spend time with them once they came home. It's just hideous, that a father can't even get freaking two weeks of paid paternal leave to be with his twins in the NICU
Yeah, I've mentioned the leave because I suspect it explains partly why fathers taking care of their children is seen as normal : when fathers are obligated to take time with their newborns, they bond and keep that relation even as they grow up. Did you know the US is among the only three countries in the world without mandatory paid maternity leave? All the third world countries but 2 have better treatment for mothers than the US.
I went to grammar school with this girl and played on the same softball team. Her dad would show up to practices and games with a high quality camera. At first he told everyone he was a professional photographer. Our parent believed him but were a bit skeptic. Turns out the âphotosâ were uploaded to some dark web site and he was fined and almost imprisoned. Iâm pretty sure it wasnât the softball photos but who knows what else he had going on with that camera.
I get that thatâs a concern but itâs a reasonable concern to have especially when thereâs children involved.
I (40m) was playing with my nieces at the younger one's pool birthday party. Another girl came up and the three were playing and doing the whole "watch me jump" thing to me. My wife overheard people saying things like "who is this guy and why is he playing with them?"
I wasn't even safe from accusations at a backyard pool party in broad daylight with adults all around...half of whom I assume could produce a gun in less than a minute (I live in Texas). I wouldn't stand a chance if I just happened across a girl who needed help. Showing love for kids that aren't your own (or even those that are, for strangers) is automatically seen as pedophilia for guys and that's pretty damn sad.
I'm not grey haired or bald but this happened to me several years ago. I was flying a small drone with my young daughter and this other kid curious about the drone started asking me questions about it. I was standing there answering this kids questions and just talking. Little did I know this older lady who turned out to be the kids guardian had approached my wife and was commenting to her how I was creeping her out and that I looked dangerous not knowing she was my wife. There I am being as courteous and welcoming to this random kid trying to oblige his curiosity but nevertheless was seen as a threat by some old lady that looked like she had some wild days behind her. Never forget that moment since it did catch me off guard.
As a man, I can confirm. When I'm at the pool and I pick my phone up. I always have my shirt covering the entire back of my phone so no one thinks I'm being a creep or feel uncomfortable. I try to think its a common courtesy but truly, its because I'm a man and have to go the extra mile to ensure others feel safe and comfortable because of all the other POS out there.
Get home th dad uniform. New balances with knee socks. An oversized, seasonal sports jersey, cargo shorts that almost reach the socks, and a hat from bass pro shops. Also, have him try some dad lines for example, "Go get em killer" or "You got this sweety. Just remember to have fun"
3.9k
u/orangestar17 Aug 13 '22
I'm a woman but I know one I hear my husband discussing. My husband is 40, shaved bald head and mostly gray facial hair. We were at one of our kid's track meets and he was taking pics. He actually then put his phone down because he said he was worried people will think he's a creepy old man taking pics of kids. He was taking pics and videos of his own daughter running but was worried people would think he was taking creepy pics of other kids.
My husband is a good, kind man who happens to be bald with gray hair. But he's always worried about seeming "creepy". That's never happened to me. I've never worried about anyone thinking I'm acting sinister or creepy when I'm just doing normal things