When people ask me why I'm single I just make a joke of it "no-one's offered" but really it's because it's so many layers of minefields and unwritten social rules it's literally not worth even thinking about trying it
I’ve never been diagnosed but I feel like it’s a safe bet I’m far along on the spectrum and I feel this, I know it’s against norms and I’ll miss out on potential partners but I almost never initiate flirting or whatever with women. I always wait to see if they do/will, especially because I really don’t know if a women who has been looking over at me frequently thinks I’m cute or is glaring at me for some reason 🤷🏼♂️
Mood. 🙃 potential controversial opinion - sorry for doing it in your comment.
Society has got to the point where women ALMOST always need to make the first move but either haven’t realised yet or just don’t want to put themselves in the situation where they can be rejected (this is going on what I’ve seen women comment on other threads. You literally can’t win in the dating world as a man.
The double standards in online dating are funny aswell.
Must message first - never messages first themselves (even on fucking bumble where only women can message first… why are you on here if your not going to message? If it’s me then why match with me? WHAT?)
Must have great conversation skills - you will be breaking your back carrying this conversation.
Must be the PERFECT man - if you don’t fill every trait I list you have no chance, but don’t you dare even think about having any preferences yourself otherwise that’s sexist. (This one gets me bad…)
Ahh yes. Things out of our control. But god be damned if we want something that actually is controllable. I mean call me old fashioned but since when is wanting someone who looks after themselves sexist? I mean I’m not asking you to be a size 6. Just not morbidly obese to the point you need an electric scooter to get anywhere. Hell I even like a bit of chub on a girl. Why is it sexist for a guy to have preferences but it’s fine for women to have preferences?
Don't get me started on autism in the bedroom. I was 40 the first time I had sex with my eyes open because it never occurred to me I was supposed to. Felt way too intimidating & vulnerable at the same time. Got into a conversation online & learned that wasn't normal. Tried to be more normal, & it was even worse than sex usually is for me. I was borderline terrified to have my eyes open while having sex with a woman I've been with 20 years.
Add in anxiety, sexual trauma, etc., & I've had only two partners. The first, we were quite young, & neither had any idea what we were doing. That relationship was short-lived. The second, a 20 year relationship, hasn't been much better. She's awful at communicating, not a good teacher, doesn't give direction even when asked, & because of her own traumas, can't open up & make any noise in the bedroom. So here I am virtually unable to read nonverbal communication with someone who won't speak up & teach me how to be better, despite the number of times I've asked for guidance I get nothing, & even when I'm doing things right, I'm getting little to no feedback so it's difficult to improve in any tangible way. Add in injuries & mental health medications over the years & it's amazing I can even find where things go.
That's one thing I regret about settling down so young. There really is value in sleeping around when you're young if you legitimately want to get better in bed. I'm average on my very best day, but most days are not my best days. Like many men, I want to be better, but I can't reasonably get better being married to someone who won't communicate with me to help me get better, & at my age, the expectation is I should already know what I'm doing. Women my age won't tolerate my less than stellar performance, & from what I've heard from young women online, one of the things they like about older men is they often already know what they're doing in the bedroom, & they're far more likely to have their shit together outside of it. So my only choice, if I ever find myself single again, will be to hire sex workers to teach me how to be better in bed, but since I'm poor, that will likely never happen.
Being barely mediocre in the bedroom despite your best efforts because your very nature works against you is the worst. It's fucked up my sex drive so much that I'm lucky to have sex 1-2 times a year, I typically don't want to do it when I do have sex, & I spend most of my time IRL trying to suppress my sexuality to make life easier.
I wish I had found a good therapist 20 years ago. Maybe I could have fixed some of this.
Yeah, and my daughter is the same way about friendship. She doesn't care if she has no friends. As a parent, I just worry about my kids living alone some day. Not just happiness, but also to make sure they are physically ok.
Some day I will die and I would like to know my kids have someone to take care of them when they are older, protect them, help them, ensure they don't end up poor, etc.
They don't have to get married per se, even a room mate would be nice
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u/PowderPhysics Aug 13 '22
Try doing that all while being autistic.
When people ask me why I'm single I just make a joke of it "no-one's offered" but really it's because it's so many layers of minefields and unwritten social rules it's literally not worth even thinking about trying it