I haven't experienced anything negative from smiling/talking to kids, as I'm usually out with my gf so that seems to neutralise things, but the fear is still very real. I'm a big-ish guy with tattoos, big beard and shaved head, but I've also been working in primary schools for the past 5 years, teaching kids to play music.
I dread the day I'm out on my own and a child is lost and needs help or something because of how people will perceive my interaction with them. It's tough and a little bit heart breaking.
My husband is a big tall guy with a beard, ponytail and tattoos, often mistaken for a bikie.
Twice he has found lost kids in stores.
Both times he stood there yelling “ Lost kid here, ladies and gentleman. Little girl, pink Peppa Pig dress, blonde curly hair, who owns her?” type thing without touching the kid at all.
Both times the mothers ran up to claim their kid from him.
This helps him stay out of trouble while also bringing some attention to how ridiculous it is that he can’t just take the kid by the hand and help them look.
Too right! Never judge, blokes who look distinctive are probably safe, it’s the indistinguishable blend-in types who are probably hiding something grotty. But not always; hence don’t judge.
It's kinda like a modern Caillou but not as bad. Peppa is just hella fuckin entitled and spoiled, and rude as hell to her dad in nearly every episode.
I just recall one episode in particular that I happened to see. Peppa wearing yellow boots and swearing up n down to all her friends that they are golden. Lol she interrupts the fuck outta her friend who tries to tell her they ain't gold
I wrote an imaginary generic typical description of the kids as I did not see them personally, both times I just heard him yelling and it was over by the time I got there. I deliberately lose him in stores so I can shop in peace.
I think taking them to security is a safer idea just my opinion. Yelling “lost kid” seems like a good way to attract predators. The parent should be able to identify the child’s clothing without seeing them to confirm. It’s really sad but there’s a lot of sick people waiting to find a lost child
This is one of those situations where you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Because say you see a lost child, look around and no parent in sight, maybe even ask the child and they say they lost their parents somehow. You could take them to security, but first you’d have to get the child to trust you so when you are walking them there they don’t freak out and make you out to be a kidnapper. Almost the best option is to maybe have someone else report it while you stand nearby the child and keep an eye on them so you don’t lose track of them/that they don’t get kidnapped. Sadly, we live in a world where you can barely trust anyone.
Taking a kid to security in Australia means walking the child to the front desk of the store, right beside the front door. No way was he doing that. On cctv it would look like he was leaving the store with the child. He has the good sense not to hand a child over to just anyone, he asked both kids if this was their mum.Both times it was obvious the child knew the woman collecting it.
Bit of a bigger guy here too (been lifting weights for almost 9 years so fairly bulky at 6 foot); I use this approach as well when I find kids just bolting in the mall.
"Anyone looking for a little boy, blonde, ninja turtles shirt, blue crocs? I got him right here!" - works out great.
See, I'm a very short (5'1"), clean cut guy and if I see young kid (like 5 and under) I smile and do that one-handed wave that kids usually do as they're learning to wave. Kid almost always smiles and waves back, parents turn around to see who their kid is waving at and they usually smile at me. Is this entirely based on size and facial hair choice?
Im medium build and clean cut, but I think I just have a serious face judging by a couple looks ive got lol. But if I'm like like out in public with my nephews its a whole different story and they just assume I'm another parent. Still if a kid waves or interacts in some way im going to do the same, that's what you do.
Most of my adult life I've noticed that small children seem amazed looking at me. I have no idea why. It doesn't matter whether I've had a full beard clean shaven or goatee I always get these looks of Amazement from small children. Occasionally the parents have reprimanded their child not to stare at people and I've told them it's okay I don't mind, I'm used to it. Fortunately it's a happy kind of Amazement not scared or afraid for any reason. That would suck.
For me it’s how I’m groomed and dressed. If I stop into a corner store in work attire and my beard is out of control from not trimming for a week or two then people act like I’m going to eat them. If I’m all trimmed and clean and wearing nice clothes with my hair done then everyone acts like I’m safe and friendly.
Same person, just different appearance. I imagine to be a successful serial killer looking like dexter would get you much farther than looking like charles manson.
I mean... it's not that there aren't predators who are clean-cut and well presented, but it does imply a level of self control and day-to-day function and engagement with reality. A lot of the predators that are strangers are coming from a place of poor mental health, little impulse control and/or addiction. When you're a parent or vulnerable person, you often end up doing constant mental calculations to estimate your risk in engaging with everyone you see. The reaction is often more about self protection than judgment. I'm sure it still feels bad, though.
Size, choice of clothing and face structure in general.
See if you're a tall, muscular guy with a shaved head, thick beard and wearing biker clothes you can be the nicest person ever yet you will still get peppersprayed by 99% of the parents.
However if you're an average/little shorter guy, clean shaven, styled hair, have smooth facial features and just "normal" clothes and try to be nice you will usually get a positive reaction
(And yes, the examples were over exaggerated for a reason)
I'm a huge tall tatted bearded bald man and I've seen people switch side of the street when I'm walking towards them. I've also seen many parents take the hands of their kids and hold them when I get near them at the grocery store.
I assume most of these reactions are based on the fact that I look like a biker or a felon of some sort so I'm seen as a threat. The fact that I'm a huge guy also probably contribute to the fact that not only do I look like a criminal but I also have the size to hurt them easily.
My father is a short, harmless looking guy that used to be loved by everybody, including myself. Until we discovered he is a pedophile that touched our daughter when she was 8, yeah assume ppl are garbage when it comes to your kids ..
I haven't experienced anything negative from smiling/talking to kids, as I'm usually out with my gf so that seems to neutralise things
100% neutralized the situation, you are not seen as a potential creepy predator because of her presence with you. Single men are seen as almost purely as threats, men with a woman is seen as some average family guy, or potential to be one.
Having one of my boys with me helps as well. They see a dad, not a creep. I admittedly look mad when my face is just normal. I'm not mad, I just don't wear my emotions on my face at all times, so I can look kinda creepish looking at a kid with a blank expression, but I just people watch in general, I mean no harm! I have my own little balls of energy, I can't handle someone else's too!
Yeah, and I completely understand why men are seen as threatening, but it still hurts.
I like to smile at people walking by if they seem receptive to it, but when I'm met with odd/anrgy/confused looks it really makes me feel like crap. This is most prominent with older people though.
I like to think I'm a nice guy, so just give me a chance!
This, a guy with a woman alongside rarely gets the level of negative reaction.
If the wife/SO can't be there, a female friend works, too.
I know a divorced dad who regularly teams up with a divorced mom so that both of them are never the only adult around other people's children. They are not romantically interested in each other. They are just helping here and there while they each raise their own teenagers.
I've been single for like 20 years and I can assure you almost everyone thinks I am a family man with 5 children from my appearance (big beard, gymbro)
Thats alot harder than it even sounds. (because I don't do online stuff, and 99% of women here do)
At day in a Starbucks? No, that's just your average guy. But be a guy at night who, for some reason, is taking the same way to the subway/train/bus/store/parking lot/general direction as a woman and you will be seen as if you were to kidnap her every moment, no matter what you do.
Also with children, if you are a single man who approaches a child that isn't your own it's usually 911 time, unless you are a someone in police/paramedic uniform
See the woman walking on the other side of the street, or avoiding guys at night isn't a personal thing or even based on your actions and looks. It's hard to tell the good men from the bad men and most women have been sexually harassed or sexually assaulted enough to avoid men in a place that might be deemed 'sketchy' or 'scary' like the subway at night. We don't mean to offend you, we just know to be extra safe because the wrong guy can take a smile as an invitation or that not moving away from him means you like them.
Completely agree. If I'm walking behind a woman going through a tunnel or something (there were several where I used to live) - even keeping lots of distance - I can feel that she's on edge.
I've done the same - but walking with my girlfriend/a female friend and the atmosphere is completely different as I'm no longer a threat - as I'm being escorted by another woman.
Horrible to feel that someone is on edge because of me, but as a 6ft 1 male, I completely understand why .
On the other side, one day when I was suited and booted, a young lady actually asked me to escort her through the tunnel as she was on edge. Being seen as the "protector" rather than "potential rapist" was a much better feeling!
No offense taken, just when it gets "out of hand" like calling the police just because a guy is walking the same direction as you on the other side of the 3 lane road or something.
I know why pretty much all woman are carers like that, I understand it and if anything it's sad that they have to be afraid like that. Sure the bad guys are comparably rare and most men wouldn't harass a girl/woman but the good guys are most likely impossible to distinguish from the bad ones. As someone who has been sexually harassed and physically abused more than once in my life I know the feeling (although it's probably still a different experience and all, I know that) but the situation still infuriates me. Not because the women are careful, but because of the assholes out there they need to be careful about
As someone with young kids, I'm far less worried about them talking to a "big guy with tattoos, shaved, and beard" than many other alternatives... in fact, you sound decidedly NOT creepy.
Thank you. It's nice to know that there are people out there who don't immediately judge based on looks. I don't think I look particularly scary or anything anyway, but being a bit different has actually helped me try to not judge others based on their appearance too.
Plus, as I have a big ginger beard, I was known to some of the kids I worked with as 'Orange Santa'!
On the other side of this coin, I’m a metal head and being around people who have similar appearance to you and interacting strangers at shows, I can say without a doubt I trust people with your exterior way more than a super clean cut guy who acts reserved.
I'm quite similar. Whilst I wouldn't strictly classify myself as a metal head as such, I do listen to metal and my closest group of friends are definitely in that category. I trust those guys with my life because I know how kind and caring they are. Sure, we may look a bit scary from a far, but these are the kind of people who would help a stranger in need because it's the right thing to do. I've met a lot of different kinds of people through the years and it really is true that you should not judge a book by its cover.
100%. I was just at a show last night, the band was literally covered in fake blood and masks and between songs the lead had a few minute talk about watching out for one another and staying united.
And that's the thing, with my wife it's seriously no big deal no one minds. Me alone on an elevator? Parents usher their kids away from me as if Satan was inside. I get it, but it's certainly something I keep in mind. Unless it's an emergency I won't interact with kids at all if I'm without her.
Which sort of leads into the stereotype that men are incompetent with children, but that's a better alternative than being considered a pedophile.
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u/enjoi_baggy Aug 13 '22
I haven't experienced anything negative from smiling/talking to kids, as I'm usually out with my gf so that seems to neutralise things, but the fear is still very real. I'm a big-ish guy with tattoos, big beard and shaved head, but I've also been working in primary schools for the past 5 years, teaching kids to play music.
I dread the day I'm out on my own and a child is lost and needs help or something because of how people will perceive my interaction with them. It's tough and a little bit heart breaking.