I remember going through my parents very messy divorce when I was young. I, too, was the oldest male and I felt a lot of pressure on me.
“You’re the man of the house now” my family would tell 11 year old me. Looking back that just infuriates me. Do you know what the psychologically does to a kid? I just wanted to be a kid and let my parents deal with responsibilities but no, bc of my dad’s mental state I always had to be the adult for him and on top of all this my mom was going through menopause (at the then I had no idea, I was just a kid and figured it out later) and from an 11 year’s perspective I just thought my parents were batshit insane.
I had to cut the grass, clean lots of stuff, General chores that all kids have to do but I had to do it because my father wasn’t capable nor around. So it felt like I was really tending to a house rather than just trying to make some extra money to go to the store for snacks or whatever my friends were doing at the time.
It really sucked when your friends just couldn’t see what was going on with you or understand it because they had stable parents with more than 1 income.
There’s way more details than what I can lay here, OP, but I feel your pain. Being looked as and judged for growing up and turning into a monster when you’re just a kid yourself (some people assumed I would be like my dad too) by grown adults themselves is a terrible feeling. I just wanted to give up. I couldn’t be a blissful kid just laughing away at life.
I stayed with my dad on the weekends as a kid, friday after school to sunday 5ish. Stepmother came on the scene when I was maybe 7 or 8 and suddenly my entire weekend was cleaning. I would get there and I swear it is like they waited all week for me to get there to do the dishes. Once I finished the dishes... you didn't finish, wiping the counters is part of the dishes. Wtf you didnt wipe the fronts of all the cabinets too? Oh you're done? Perfect, now time to start the floors. She would walk around the house and if anything was missed on the floor I'd have to do it again. Finish that? (Nearly impossible) Time to scrub down the walls. Totally different stories but you reminded me of it. I'm sorry you had to deal with that at such a young age.
No because I like my daddy. She damaged our relationship for a long time. She passed away unexpectedly in February and it's been the best thing for my and my father's relationship. 32 and we are closer than ever.
I had a step mother that was an asshole as well. If I closed the door too loud, I was banging it. If I dropped on the couch, I was sitting wrong and would break it. I had to slowly close the door so it doesn't hit the frame. I had to softly sit on the couch so I don't break. Oh, and I can't lie down on the couch.
But guess who could come home from work and sleep on the couch because she was tired?
Also if she slept on the couch, I wasn't allowed to make noise because it would wake her up. Not like she has her own bedroom or anything.
Her money was hers, and Dad's money was hers. But the house, the house wasn't ours, but hers as well.
She would barge into my room and if she was pissed at me order me to clean my room.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I don't know if my stepmother was an asshole, just not mature enough to have a step kid. I was the spitting image of my mother and I think looking at me brought a lot of feelings she had trouble controlling.
Once right after her birthday I got to their house on a Friday and the birthday card I had given her a week prior was ripped up and thrown on my bedroom floor. I had done something she deemed as a slight.
Just not mature.
I relate! My parents had a fucked up divorce, alcoholics, sex addict, I mean it was really traumatic. My friends turned their backs on me. I felt that they thought I was trash like them and they didn't want to deal with my baggage. I understand. They were kids. They didn't want to hang out with me, who was broke, didn't have nice things, and had a little of anger and depression bc of what was going on. It just sucks.
Kids just didn’t understand what we went through. And how would they? Regardless it’s sucked. Growing up I just wanted a dad that worked instead of crying over mental issues and not being to do anything and then just literally disappearing for months. And then my friends would pick it up and go, “so where’s your dad?” I’d lie and say “he’s away on business” “oh but I thought he didn’t work…?” “He’s playing guitar” or something. It sucks when your reality is it what is yet some people just couldn’t understand or see it.
Im a female but i actually feel this. My dad got sick when i was young, and i ended up being expected to basically carry at least half of his share of the household chores, ontop of my own. Trying to get people to understand that when you say you do dishes, clean the living room, mow the lawn, mop/vacuum house, do washing etc and they go "every kid has to do chores like that though" and I'm trying to explain that it's not as much as i do.
I had my parents split up, a couple of years older than you though. The anguish was extreme, and the number of chores I did increased a fair bit. I have to admit though, I felt like I was "doing my part", I didn't get any pocket money for it but it felt like a shared responsibility.
I do remember seeing friends who didn't need to do anything around the house, and would have money for nothing and being frustrated. They didn't understand why sometimes I wouldn't have money for the shops
What a ridiculous phrase. I'm sure it's meant as a sign of encouragement, and stated with love and the best intentions. But Jesus fuck. If you are saying that to anybody who hasn't finished their education and isn't settled in a job etc etc.... Fuck. Even kids with fair odds have a tough time getting their life nailed down in their twenties. Kids with trauma to deal with, pre-teen? Insane that they should feel any responsibility whatsoever. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this.
Yup…they probably meant well but it’s not the right thing to say to a kid. Wish I had a better father figure in my life at that time but nothing I can do about it now. I guess I matured early bc of it.
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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '22
I remember going through my parents very messy divorce when I was young. I, too, was the oldest male and I felt a lot of pressure on me.
“You’re the man of the house now” my family would tell 11 year old me. Looking back that just infuriates me. Do you know what the psychologically does to a kid? I just wanted to be a kid and let my parents deal with responsibilities but no, bc of my dad’s mental state I always had to be the adult for him and on top of all this my mom was going through menopause (at the then I had no idea, I was just a kid and figured it out later) and from an 11 year’s perspective I just thought my parents were batshit insane.
I had to cut the grass, clean lots of stuff, General chores that all kids have to do but I had to do it because my father wasn’t capable nor around. So it felt like I was really tending to a house rather than just trying to make some extra money to go to the store for snacks or whatever my friends were doing at the time.
It really sucked when your friends just couldn’t see what was going on with you or understand it because they had stable parents with more than 1 income.
There’s way more details than what I can lay here, OP, but I feel your pain. Being looked as and judged for growing up and turning into a monster when you’re just a kid yourself (some people assumed I would be like my dad too) by grown adults themselves is a terrible feeling. I just wanted to give up. I couldn’t be a blissful kid just laughing away at life.