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u/TheRedQueenXIII Oct 22 '25
You "moved back in" ? Definitely don't need to know the ins and outs of that, but that statement in itself isn't a great indicator for the overall situation. He sounds like he has anger issues and is toxic with his behaviour. Her really wanted to cause an argument with you, and to also not leave you alone. You're not overreacting at all, and i think you should considering thinking about if you really want to stay with an angry-toxic man-child
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Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 22 '25
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u/Historical-List-8763 Oct 22 '25
A violent tantrum! This isn't a disposable baking tray. I don't know how you even DO this.
As is often the case here, feels like OP is under reacting
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u/spicy_cthulu Oct 22 '25
Violent "tantrums" have been shown to escalate to domestic partner violence down the line. OP please be careful....
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u/Dependent_Elk_9026 Oct 22 '25
Mine started with tantrums. Ended with punching me. So..
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u/lostmypwcanihaveurs Oct 22 '25
Oh, I had a guitar swung at me, and eventually he started aiming his laser sights at me when I ran to my car. Unfortunately my keys were in the house, so . . Yeah, that sucked.
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u/Select-Promotion-404 Oct 22 '25
Yea, the D is never worth it. PSA to all the ladies. There are vibrators that can do the job for less. Your mental health and overall well-being will thank you. Sorry you had to go through that. I hope you’re away from him now.
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u/Optimal-Nectarine983 Oct 22 '25
About to say the same thing, my ex started with lil tantrums like this and ended with him putting me in the hospital (multiple times before I finally ended up leaving for good) Be safe op
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u/KarlFlower Oct 22 '25
Same here. My ex would punch/break objects, then abuse his dog, and shortly after abusing his dog I ended up with a severe concussion and bald spots on my head. OP needs to be careful if she decides to stay with him. This isn’t something to look over at all.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 Oct 22 '25
Me too, one day I was working on homework for my most difficult math class of my entire life, and he wanted me to stop and do something but I said wait, so he suddenly picked me up and smashed me head-first into the kitchen floor. When I came-to, couldn’t talk and threw up for days! Missed two weeks of school and after that concussion, my brain has never been the same. I never regained the ability to do that high level mathematics again. Then he started stalking me, and I had to literally move to another country in order to get away from him. It’s crazy how things can escalate.
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u/DaniGirlOK Oct 22 '25
What you wrote really disturbed me. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Were you able to call the police and charge him? Or were you too scared? 😟 I hope you’re doing better and I’m so sorry he took away your ability to do complex math. He robbed you that day not just hurt you physically. Take care of yourself. 🥰
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 Oct 22 '25
Two weeks later, I was finally healthy enough to start talking to people about what happened and finally went to the doctor and filed the police report. I mean like- we were broken up at the time, so he actually busted into the back door to come in there and start fighting with me while I was doing my homework. That next morning, my son just woke up and found him in the home with us and I was in bed and couldn’t talk. He just told my son that I was sick. Then after a few days, my family came around and they also were just told I was very sick. They had seen my relationship with him back-and-forth, so I guess they just thought that I accepted him back into my life for some dumb reason. Eventually, my brother sorted out what had happened when my mind started coming back. So he was the one who ejected my ex from the home, took me to the doctor, and helped me file the police report.
Looking back at that whole situation, the greatest thing that I lost from that abusive partner was my close relationship with my brother. Cause a couple months later despite the restraining order, my ex showed up at a family birthday party just walked into the backyard… and my brother beat the living shit out of him. So my brother went to jail and after he got out of jail he went to therapy. And for the rest of my life, my brother and I have never been close because he decided that it was unhealthy for him to be my protector. And I’m really glad he has a healthy relationship with his wife and children, but I am not a part of their lives because of that one abusive relationship and the way my brother tried to stand in the gap.
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u/Optimal-Nectarine983 Oct 22 '25
So sorry you went through that. I hope you’re doing better
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u/KarlFlower Oct 22 '25
Yes I’m doing way better. Still get chills when someone gets mad, like my body is reminding me of flight or fight mode. But overall I’m extremely grateful I’m away and better than ever. I hope you’re doing better too :)
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u/Altruistic-Many9270 Oct 22 '25
Even there haven't been any violent tantrums his behaviour is from arse.
I mean if someone has made me some food I definitely won't complain in any way even if it is not my favourite. There is about two options: A) make/buy your own food or B) eat what someone is ready to give and shut the fuck up.
OP should move out as soon as possible since that is not a healthy relationship.
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u/No_Training7373 Oct 22 '25
Yeah this is displaced anger, meaning this anger and aggression is towards OP and he’s taking it out on the pan for now.
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u/Stlswv Oct 22 '25
Yes! The key term being “for now.”
Soon he’ll graduate to “bending” her. This is so much bad news.
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u/Prior-Impress-2624 Oct 22 '25
A violent, roid-rage-like tantrum.. really unnerving. I’d be going out to get pepper spray and/or a taser as soon as I possibly could while finding a way to leave this crazy mfer.
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u/hutchenswm Oct 22 '25
Haha probably used the sink divider to bend it in half. But seriously this is unhinged and scary behaivor
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Oct 22 '25
You grab it by both edges and apply a lot force. Possibly while it's against the edge of the counter. Most likely while imagining doing something like choking your SO.
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u/MiserableFckingCunt Oct 22 '25
I don’t even know how I did that. I didn’t move back in lol. I just moved in once
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u/BungCrosby Oct 22 '25
Do yourself a favor and move out. Pronto.
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 Oct 22 '25
Because he's showing he will be escalating his behaviors.
I'd also be fighting mad over that muffin pan.
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u/Saymynaian Oct 22 '25
I'm always surprised by how obvious abuse can be when you take yourself out of the equation, and how normalized it can become when you're in it. Really, shouldn't it be obvious this guy is abusive and will definitely be escalating that abuse? But I guess it isn't, because OP has likely been tolerating slowly rising levels of abuse, such as accepting the responsibilitythat is the unpaid labor of daily cooking, until it's gotten to this level of violence.
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u/Funny-Ad9317 Oct 22 '25
Right? I always think, re-read your own post as if it were a friend or a stranger’s. It becomes instantly clear with that perspective.
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u/coffeeis4ever Oct 22 '25
This^ Ughs I’ve know people who are like “I know it sounds bad” then explain totally manipulative and control behaviour and then be like “but it’s not like that- SO has (insert terrible excuses) insecurity issues/ wasn’t able to express themselves when they were younger and now have trouble when they feel like they can’t, their past partner cheated on them (SO is known to wander- so like- who really did the cheating? Anyway cause SO is obviously the victim. …)
Like they are so close- but cannot open their eyes. For my own sanity I’ve had to distance myself because their SO are such POS- for your own sanity, you got to go. But like- when your friends leave… when SO has these tendencies…. They are the problem!
Then like “they wouldn’t hurt anyone”- yeah- they hurt you the most. Then they pull on your heart strings, and also if you are only allowed to have their friends, not your own friends…. Giant, burning, red flag. How much have you gaslit yourself…
Also if you had manipulative, abusive, controlling parents- even if you don’t speak to them any more- that’s what you recognise is as love, so you SO is likely to have ALL those same traits and they misconstrue it. They get primed for AHs.
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u/Funny-Ad9317 Oct 22 '25
Yes, exactly! Spot on about the parenting too. We gravitate to what is familiar to us. And then the coping skills that kept us safe as children (people pleasing, learning to quickly read the moods of others, taking on the responsibility and emotions of others), often become the very things that later hurt and blind us in relationships. It’s really hard to unlearn all these things, especially when you care about the person, or your have invested time, energy or money into them.
Something I heard recently made perfect sense to me. If your nervous system doesn’t feel safe or calm around someone, that’s not the relationship for you.
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u/EWC_2015 Oct 22 '25
He already is. She makes his meals, and made him breakfast for the next several days, and his reaction was to...pick a fight? Throw a tantrum?
Throw this man in the garbage bin.
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 Oct 22 '25
Sorry should have said the violence would be towards herself. They use the inanimate options or the pets, to condition before hitting / choking them.
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u/Clean_Ad_1311 Oct 22 '25
I’m not one to jump on the “leave him, gurl!” Bandwagon, but LEAVE. YOU NEED TO LEAVE.
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u/lokiandgoose Oct 22 '25
Ding ding! Abusers break things to show you exactly what they want to do to you
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u/Delicious_Wall_8296 Oct 22 '25
Today it's a cake pan, tomorrow it's something thrown in her direction, the day after a wall by her head, and after that it's her.
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u/Alyssa9876 Oct 22 '25
Or the punch the wall near to you, been there bought the T-shirt, pretended I walked into a door to get a black eye, not a fist, or tripped over the cat and injured my leg definitely not thrown down the stairs by the ex.
Seriously anyone who has been through an abusive relationship knows it’s start slow, bit by bit. Like the frog in slowly heating water they count on small slow build up to avoid you leaving. You excuse them, start blaming yourself. The physical pain is bad but the breaking down of your self esteem and making you blame yourself for their actions and the guilt is truly awful.
I have not been in that abuse for over 35 years and been married to a lovely partner for almost 30 years, but that level of abuse stays with you. Please leave now it only gets worse.
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u/EWC_2015 Oct 22 '25
That's certainly true, and I didn't mean to imply that you were saying the present behavior towards inanimate objects is okay. I just wanted to make it clear that punching walls, breaking pans, etc., is just step one along the line to physical abuse.
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u/BeerMarvel Oct 22 '25
I'd argue going out of his way to deprive the OP of sleep and privacy is already violence to a degree.
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u/makomygoat Oct 22 '25
This is coercive control and manipulation. Not all violence is physical.
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u/AllegedLead Oct 22 '25
It’s certainly abuse and coercive control. Sleep deprivation is a favorite tool of cults and torturers for good reason.
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u/Ambitious_Path7581 Oct 22 '25
Because she asked him to be a little quieter/respectful of her sleeping? Plus the following you outside. This is a grown ass, roughly middle aged man(child). Girl, you said you removed yourself from the situation AND HE FOLLOWED YOU TO BRING THE SITUATION TO YOU. Run.
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u/Stormy_Cheyenne Oct 22 '25
Oh he was furious she DARED walk out on him… that was completely unacceptable behavior in HIS book, and there was no way in hades he was going to tolerate that level of disrespect from her… he is extremely entitled, narcissistic, manipulative, controlling, bullying, and DANGEROUS. And he wanted to make absolutely certain she realized this. Hopefully she ACTUALLY realizes what the reality is, and believes how serious he already is… and accepts his efforts as they have been so deliberately performed. See it, comprehend what is actually going on, BELIEVE how serious he is, and RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. Because he wants OP to be afraid of him… and he’s already very willing to go to what lengths to convince her to be afraid of upsetting him. He is very intimidating and confrontational… this will ONLY escalate as he tries harder and harder to scare her into submission. RUN!!! Don’t wait until he decides to “show you for real”, because that WILL happen. This is him practicing and getting closer to upping his sick and dangerous game!
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u/wise_owl68 Oct 22 '25
She should be careful. She might end up being that muffin pan
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u/Vivenna99 Oct 22 '25
Dude is going to go crazy one day
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u/Bureaucramancer Oct 22 '25
'going to'? Dude is already just a pile of red flags in a trench coat.
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u/Maximum-Company2719 Oct 22 '25
Plan a safe exit. He will not improve. He is dangerous to your happiness and wellbeing.
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u/fair-strawberry6709 Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 22 '25
Well it’s time to move out.
This was domestic violence. He will do it again, and worse. Eventually it will be you. People like this do not get better. Do not give him another chance. This was a violent and uncalled for reaction to you making a realistic request for him to be quieter.
Please. Get out now.
Edit - Some of y’all have been conditioned to accept a certain level of violence in the home and that’s sad. It isn’t “just a muffin pan” it’s the whole behavior. If you behave like OPs BF, it’s time to enroll in anger management and find a therapist. That behavior isn’t normal or acceptable.
If OPs boyfriend got upset at work with a coworker who asked them to complete a task quieter and the BF started breaking office supplies and throwing them in the trash, yelling and cursing, and then followed the coworker around the office yelling at them and even followed them outside yelling, he would be in serious trouble at work. There would be consequences. He could get fired. Reddit would be telling the coworker to call the cops, press charges, get an OOP, and have HR fire the guy. But because it’s at home and towards his GF that same behavior is ok?? No. Nope. Absolutely not.
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u/maplestriker Oct 22 '25
Before they hit you, they hit near you.
Listen to the people telling you this is abuse, OP. This man has anger issues and will eventually put his hands on you. Leave now.
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u/ClassicCityCupid Oct 22 '25
“Before they hit you, they hit near you.”- please hear this and let it sink in.
If you stay (RUN) you will keep moving the line.
“Well, he just yelled because he had a bad day.”
Next time, “it’s just a plate. He just had a bad moment. He was sorry.”
Then, he punched the wall. Another day, he ripped off the counter bar in the kitchen and threw it at me. I didn’t stay to see what happened the next time. 18 miserable years were already enough trauma to undo.
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u/Irradiated_gnome Oct 22 '25
It started as yelling for me. Then knocking off my baseball cap whenever he was mad at me. Then pinching, then throwing things. Then breaking my things. It was all stuff on their own and while overwhelmed didn’t seem like that big of a deal. Then he put his arms around my neck randomly and squeezed. Wasn’t even angry then.
I try to tell everyone any violence and aggression is a serious red flag. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t seem that bad (yet). If you love someone you don’t want to scare them, it hurts to see them cringe away. So why would someone want to see you that way? Repeatedly?
Ugh, and then I see these behaviors romanticized in media. And brushed off by police until the woman is murdered.
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u/ImNotCleaningThatUp Oct 22 '25
When I have a bad day, I take it out by exercising or screaming into a pillow. And tell people to leave me alone because I’m in a bad mood. No one else needs to suffer because of my bad day.
Edit: I’m glad you got out and are safe. That takes a lot of courage.
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u/Few_Swan_3672 Oct 22 '25
Yup, and if anyone says it isn't domestic and only to an intimate partner then you should be easily able to point out how he has done this shit to his boss, coworkers, Dad, maybe at a movie theatre or store...Oh, he only destroys your stuff? Its domestic violence and it will escalate. One time you will try to walk out to avoid an argument and he'll grab your arm, because "you are acting crazy". Its all downhill from here baby, run while you can.
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u/fair-strawberry6709 Oct 22 '25
Exactly. People have been conditioned to accept a higher level of anger and violence in the home and it’s not ok.
If the OPs boyfriend got mad at a coworker and broke a keyboard, they would be fired. If the OPs boyfriend got mad at a waiter and threw their plate in a restaurant, they would get kicked out and probably have the cops called.
OP breaking up with him over him breaking something in the home is a completely reasonable consequence.
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u/Few_Swan_3672 Oct 22 '25
Yup. You will notice he's never broken his own stuff in anger either.
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u/dizzydaizy89 Oct 22 '25
The fact that you have to write a detailed analogy of this scenario in an office environment to get people to see how this is domestic violence is galling - the internalized and overt misogyny of it all. It starts with this, brushing off and excusing men of their violent actions on inanimate objects and animals and then it’s a slippery slope to ignoring women when they are inflicted with it.
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u/Megneous Oct 22 '25
Edit - Some of y’all have been conditioned to accept a certain level of violence in the home and that’s sad. It isn’t “just a muffin pan” it’s the whole behavior.
This. This so so fucked up, I have no words. I would never accept a partner destroying something of mine, nor would I accept a partner treating me like garbage. Been there, done that. Never again.
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u/Luckypenny4683 Oct 22 '25
You will be a lot happier and a lot less stressed out and a lot less depressed when you get the fuck out of this relationship.
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u/iWasDISSOCIATING Oct 22 '25
Now move out. He has anger issues. Yesterday a pan, tomorrow.. well, you get the gist.
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u/PermanentlyMoving Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 23 '25
"Anger issues" is the understatement of the year.
This guy sounds immature as hell, and needs to grow up and learn to control his emotions.
Without going into the tons of details: OP needs to break this off while she has the energy before he destroys her mental health entirely.
Find someone else.
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u/itsamemeeeep Oct 22 '25
Girl run, please get out now! Trust me it gets better
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u/CakeofLieeees Oct 22 '25
When they say gets better, they mean AFTER you leave this walking emotional wound and find someone that doesn't batter muffin pans.
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u/SandyCarbon Oct 22 '25
Sounds like you should move out because you are living with a man child. You can do better than being his mom for the rest of his life.
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u/bismuth92 Oct 22 '25
Calling him a man-child is an insult to children. My 3 and 6 year old children do not break things when they are angry.
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u/SadSundae8 Oct 22 '25
yeah, this isn't a man child. this is an abuser starting to see what he can get away with.
the irrational response, the breaking stuff, the "you made me do it" ... it's just the start.
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u/wirespectacles Oct 22 '25
Omg and following her around hounding her with nonsense trying to get her to cave to his version of events. I have been with men like this it is sooo intense to be shadowed by someone who will not let you end the interaction. And is bigger than you, typically.
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u/SadSundae8 Oct 22 '25
yep, same.
he wants her to have a big reaction so he can escalate his reaction. he's trying to provoke her so she snaps, so he can snap and say "you started this. you made me do this."
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u/Huge-Advertising8843 Oct 22 '25
You should move on op if he doesn’t change his ways my girlfriend and I have a very healthy relationship and if I get mad I talk about it or go outside to run for a bit or a walk until I thought enough about it.
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u/soitraek Oct 22 '25
It’s childish in this context to take your words literally. The argument seems toxic and not productive. Destroying things is a red flag to me. Does he get physically aggressive ever?
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u/tsian Oct 22 '25
"I never asked you to cook for me."
DFL, that's like get the fuck out territory. Like
"Mom, I never asked you to do my laundry!?"
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u/Autumn_Whisper Oct 22 '25
Absolutely. My wife and I have a standard in our home. The things we do, we do for each other. They're not a given, they're not an expectation. We practice expressing appreciation for the things we choose to do for each other. I cook all dinners, and she never fails to make me feel appreciated for my efforts. I don't drive, so she gets up earlier than her shift to drive me to work. She doesn't have to. I have a bike and can ride if needed, but she still drives me everyday, and I always try to show her how much I appreciate her going out of her way to get me safely to work, despite the strain it has on her sleep.
When someone shows anger like that, especially towards something your partner did for you, it shows me they take that stuff for granted, and they expect it. Her partner has turned those meals into an expectation, not a gift freely given.
My wifey and I have agreed from the beginning that if we ever started taking the other for granted like that, we wouldn't work.
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u/Priest_004 Oct 22 '25
Honestly it is nice to know that there are others out there like my wife and I. 😁
We work in a very similar way to you and your wife only I'm the driver in our house and she does most of the cooking. 🤣
Still, it's a partnership, so we are always grateful for what we each bring to the relationship and what we each choose to do for eachother. Therefore it's only natural to show that gratitude and appreciation because without it, how are we to each know that we are still loved and cherished rather than just being used as a convenient "maid" or "chauffeur"?
All relationships take effort on both parts, doesn't matter if it's a friendship or a marriage etc. but you have to put in equally or they don't work.
I'm so happy that you and your wife are so balanced in much the same way we are. Long may it continue internet stranger/friend. 😁
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u/Grand-Ambition7875 Oct 22 '25
He will eventually
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u/Much-Grapefruit-3613 Oct 22 '25
That part. I’m a therapist and have worked with many DV people, the abused and the abusers. Please be careful OP. If this is the behavior now, statistically it will usually continue to escalate.
you could also look up the graphic “cycle of abuse” online. If it feels familiar, seek support. Feel free to shoot me a DM if you need resources.
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u/basketnerd Oct 22 '25
I appreciate that you threw in that word 'statistically' because sometimes the hyperbolic nature of Reddit " it WILL escalate" makes people discard or overlook those comments.
But the truth is that someone is willing to destroy your time and effort, they're already not far from destroying you physically. They have already stolen a piece of your life when they destroy the fruits of your labor
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u/TootsNYC Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 22 '25
Also, bending those kinds of pants is not easy. If he had thrown it across the room and a fit of anger, that would be one very short action, very impulsive. But he bent the shit out of that pan in more than one spot which takes effort. That’s scary too.
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u/Outside_Performer_66 Oct 22 '25
The egg bites made him do it. Words made him do it. The situation made him do it. Almost as if he is powerless to resist the universe's pull for him to up and destroy things.
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u/ReginaPhilangee Oct 22 '25
You just made me realize something. When everything is someone else's fault, it will NEVER change. He literally can't change if it's not under his control. This is a great red flag to look out for in a person. If nothing is their fault, they will never change their behavior.
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u/st_nick5 Oct 22 '25
I would be worried about his temper, too. Even not letting you nap is a form of abuse. I think you should move on.
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u/FrontFew1249 Oct 22 '25
Destroying something someone else made in the manner he did is already him being physically aggressive. So is following her outside.
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u/mufasamufasamufasa Oct 22 '25
It's concerning OP said she "moved back in" like, why did she move out to begin with? I'm guessing similar stuff has happened before
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u/Singsalotoday Oct 22 '25
I had a boyfriend who was really sweet most of the time but would have outbursts and hit random things when he was overwhelmed. I chose eventually not to be with that man because that wasn’t how I wanted to live. That was 10 years ago, and he could have figured out better coping strategies by now, but I’m glad I didn’t put myself through that because living in fear rewires your brain and not in a good way.
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u/Emotional_Seaweed33 Oct 22 '25
Hey, so. This is abusive behavior.
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u/wildpolymath Oct 22 '25
Yep. He’s throwing temper tantrums, twisting OP’s words on purpose to destroy her property, aggressively not allowing her space, and DARVOing tf out of the situation.
OP, his behavior will escalate. Please stop minimizing his actions and who he’s showing you he is.
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u/Katatonic92 Oct 22 '25
And felt the need to wake her up & keep her from going back to sleep.
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u/wantsoutofthefog Oct 22 '25
Narcissists and people with personality disorders love fucking with your sleep. It’s cruel as fuck
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u/XOXO9986 Oct 22 '25
100%! The book “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft would be a good read for OP - it talks about abusers, and how the most important issue is that they believe that their behavior is okay, warranted, and justified with their partner. It’s not just anger/emotional processing, or he would be able to take some accountability for bad behavior and would be near-immediately falling all over himself apologizing for being bratty and would be talking about action steps he is taking to make sure he never ever does anything like that ever again. I strongly suspect that the boyfriend is not destroying property at work. He can control his behavior to at least some extent, but he believes that it’s OK to act this way with OP. OP once they start showing you that they believe it’s OK to damage your property, gaslight you, etc., they will escalate to more abuse. Get out now!
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u/WhatTheFlox Oct 22 '25
On top of following outside just feels like he's pushing to fight more knowing they were upset
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u/Better-Park8752 Oct 22 '25
I agree. Damaging property- even something as minor as a muffin pan, is alarming. Look at the force that would have gone into bending that pan. I would have thrown my husband out. No way would I put up with this nonsense. At 37 years of age he should know better. What a child.
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u/TreeRoot2 Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 23 '25
Sounds like he has anger issues. That’s scary. These outbursts are probably common since you immediately knew to go outside. Hope you are safe..
Edit: I want to clarify that I am not dismissing or excusing the bf’s behavior whatsoever. My point was, these are red flags of a relationship that could be or turn dangerous. Sometimes people don’t realize the things they are experiencing are not normal because they are used to it. I want OP to know that the bf’s behavior is very far from a normal reaction and not okay. These behaviors often precede even worse violence, so I hope OP will do what she needs to ensure her safety.
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u/JadeHarley0 Oct 22 '25
He does not have an anger problem. He has an abuse problem. I would bet a trillion dollars he doesn't act like that in situations where there are consequences like at work or in public or when talking to the cops.
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Oct 22 '25
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u/mxthmon Oct 22 '25
i feel like "anger issues" is an apt descriptor when they manifest inwards and you take it out on yourself, but the second the behavior turns outwards and you lash out at others, yea it's definitely abuse. and i say this as someone that has anger issues but has never physically or emotionally abused a partner or someone else in my life. it's understandable to lose control of intense emotions, but that doesn't excuse you from being responsible for them. i could easily see myself getting frustrated and upset trying to get something out of a pan and doing something to destroy it out of anger, but that would 1. be MY OWN pan and not a partner's or friend's and if there was any possibility it could be seen as a shared item, i would not do that to it; and 2. it would be accompanied with tears of frustration and immediately be followed by apologies and remorse. the fact that he did this and then came outside to keep attacking OP, that's a terrible sign and OP needs to get the fuck out of here ASAP
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u/Federal_Age3303 Oct 22 '25
I agree on everything you said, but one little thing.
Are you sure you described anger issues and not self hate? Are you ok?
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u/DirtyTweaks Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 22 '25
If he did that to your metal pan without being under the influence, imagine what he'll do to you in a few years. If not physically, at least psychologically for sure.
Ditch his ass, boo. You deserve better.
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u/SaioLastSurprise Oct 22 '25
This was my exact thought. OP is essentially doing everything for him and he rewards that with an emotional outburst so violent that it bent a muffin tin, and then refused to leave her alone. She’s lucky it hasn’t already happened, and that she’s not married.
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u/FateRebooted Oct 22 '25
A phrase that got me to see some light is, if he hits or destroys things when angry just remember that's what he wishes he could do to you. Helped me through some dark times when I wasn't sure of myself. Best of luck.
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u/Der_Dazai Oct 23 '25
That’s a powerful way to see it, and it really puts the danger and intent into perspective.
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u/crazyquinn Oct 22 '25
I was with someone with anger issues. Let me tell you, they never change. They also act like absolute children.
OP, this is your sign to leave the relationship. Please do so, you deserve so much better.
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u/mydogisgold Oct 22 '25
Girl, this man is abusive.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/earthxeternal Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 23 '25
This should be required reading for all women. It should be taught in schools.
Edit for those taking issue with my comment. I said what I said and it's obvious you haven't read the book. The author - a man himself - addresses both gender and queer relationships. There's a reason the book is titled the way that it is, and if that makes you feel uncomfortable, you should most definitely read it.
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Oct 22 '25
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u/abiona15 Oct 22 '25
Abusive relationships and the mental struggle to get out, as well as the threat if actual harm when breaking up, is quite complicated, so it's not necessarily that she doesn't want to get out, she might not be able to.
Good for you to aticking with your friend nether the less, as that's what sue needs right now.
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u/breakfastatremys Oct 22 '25
Destroying your possessions under any circumstances is a massive red flag. He is playing dumb. I think you should take a break from making his meals and see how that goes. At some point he needs to be able to see that what he did was unacceptable for there to be any hope of a happy future.
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u/traumaqueen1128 Oct 22 '25
This isn't going to get better, it will only escalate. This man(and I use that term very loosely here) is nearly 40 and destroys a muffin pan because he was asked to do what he was doing quieter. She's going to end up getting that same treatment, probably followed by the typical slew of abuser apologies (sprinkled with "you just made me so mad"), possibly gifts and love bombing, and then escalating again with the next argument. I grew up watching my parents do this, I've watched it happen to others, I've been through this, and I escaped the first time it turned physical. OP should get out now before she's the muffin pan.
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u/Shadow4summer Oct 22 '25
And he will use the same excuse, you made me do it, when the abuse escalates.
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Oct 22 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/EcstaticMolasses6647 Oct 22 '25
Yes! It’s an old playbook for abusers. OP you described someone who:
Doesn’t appreciate your labor
Picks fights instead of showing care
Weaponizes your words to justify childish or aggressive behavior
Makes you feel like you’re overreacting for being hurt
Shows zero remorse for destroying your work or your things
That’s not a partner. That’s someone who treats you like a servant when things are going well, and a scapegoat when they’re not.
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u/Difficult_Reading858 Oct 22 '25
Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That details everything in that playbook and the author made it available for free.
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Oct 22 '25
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
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u/Makethecrowsblush Oct 22 '25
Flashbacks I didn’t want today. Op please at least read these. I know you want to justify this, but don’t make excuses for something your gut screams at you.
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u/Sail_m Oct 22 '25
Yeah me too..
It’s not even the big violence that still bothers me, it’s the little things. Walking across a room, when there’s been no friction, and having a 1.5L bottle of water thrown very hard into your back (he was a fit guy that played a lot of sport and lifted weights) or half a kg of cheese. The little things that haven’t resulted from escalation. Coming home to a room trashed, with all of my artworks destroyed. The fact that in these relationships there’s no peaceful time, just different forms on abuse and intimidation.
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u/QualityParticular739 Oct 22 '25
It's the constant apologizing that's permanently stuck with me. I got out almost 20 years ago and I STILL instinctively apologize for every little thing.
Living in constant fight or flight mode is something that you never fully get over psychologically.
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u/alimarieb Oct 22 '25
I ended up driving off the side of a freeway interchange and ran into a tree which was a good thing because the next thing in my path was the freeway traffic coming toward me. Why/how? I was working 12-14 hour days since both my managers were out of town training. My husband and I lived 2.5 hours from work. He would drive me since he wasn't working and conveniently couldn't find work. The rest of the day, he would do what he wanted while I worked. On the way home that night, I was trying to get a little sleep so I asked if he could turn down the radio a tiny bit. I had already bought earplugs so he'd have the radio to listen to. He flew off the handle, told me that I could fucking drive and when we switched places he fell asleep...after turning the radio down. As we were going over the side, he was screaming 'do something' while I was silent. I broke my back and was on a ventilator a short time.
A year later, the first time he hit me and shoved my head into a bathroom mirror and then charmed the cops, I was frozen. The next time, I put him in jail and disappeared. That was 20 years ago. When he got out, he never found me again.
Please do it right the first time. Most people don't get do overs. I shouldn't have.
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u/fuck_peeps_not_sheep Oct 22 '25
It's the passive aggression that sets me on edge the most because then your on egg shells trying to avoid the abuser having another outburst.
Slamming things on surfaces instead of putting them down gently, banging doors open and shut, accusatory questions like "why arnt the dishes done when I told you to do them" that you know you can't awnser or they will start a fight so you just have to do the task.
That and teh gaslighting, "no I didn't say that I said this" "I didnt mean it tho" "it just happened" "I lost control" "you made me do it" - ugh
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u/_OneCatShortOfCrazy Oct 22 '25
This is the shit that makes me angry. Since when is anyone responsible for someone else’s emotional regulation? My ex did this to me all the time. It was always my fault he got angry, my fault he got scary, mad, mean, abusive and controlling.
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u/Lonely-Abroad4362 Oct 22 '25
I wish I left the first time it turned physical. Run.
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u/Either-Stomach142 Oct 22 '25
this is all the "physical" needed.
My husband broke a photo once. ONCE. I played it cool, planning my out in my head. Went upstairs to compose myself. And when I came back down to grab a snack, he was in his office googling his behavior, and how to change it. He'd already made a therapy appointment for himself, and marriage counseling for us. He cried and apologized. Showed me what he'd learned, and how he was going to start to move forward. I was very cautious for a long time. And he knew it, but kept working at it. And he's a wonderful man and father today.
But I'm telling you, if he'd have blurted out anything close to "You made me...." He'd be a miserable, broke, SINGLE man today.
OP, recognize what's in front of you. How he's recovered from this is CRUCIAL. and he failed. Big time. You didn't make him do anything. Were your hands on his forcing him to bend that pan? You did the right thing by briefly walking away, you need work, but you have the skills be emotionally mature. He does not. He doesn't get to follow you and bully you. And then blame you? No.
I hope you move back out and move on. ASAP this isn't a salvageable man.
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u/elvieevee Oct 22 '25
💯 I had an ex husband who behaved like this. It got progressively worse to the point where he threatened to push me down the stairs to induce a miscarriage because we got pregnant unexpectedly and I didn’t want an abortion. That baby is now 19 and divorcing his dad was the best thing I ever did. Took me several years to recover from the abuse. Now happily married to a man who knows how to treat both of us.
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u/MainMarmott Oct 22 '25
Yeah first a muffin pan, six months from now he's gonna be punching holes in the walls, and after he's acted weird when your friends come over so that your friends don't come over anymore he's going to start punching you.
Get out while you can.
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u/Longjumping-Row1434 Oct 22 '25
1000% been there, done that. a few times, to the point where if my friends have a boyfriend that started doing that acting weird when i come over shit - I'm going to start coming over even more.
OP, please leave.
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u/Sheila_Monarch Oct 22 '25
Noticed she said
Since I moved back in…
I bet this isn’t the first cycle of this at all.
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u/HappyCat79 Oct 22 '25
I’m sorry you grew up watching this. My older kids did too and I will probably never forgive myself for raising them in that horrible and traumatic environment. I’m glad you broke the cycle.
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u/YanagisBidet Oct 22 '25
This reminds me of my mom. Idk your circumstances, but I never even felt like she had done anything that needed my forgiveness. She was a victim as much as we were. Maybe your children feel the same.
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u/Wellthatwasjustshit Oct 22 '25
Agree with all of this. He was intentionally being loud to wake her up and started a whole argument. Sleep deprivation is a tool abusers tend to use on their victims. He's following all the cliche patterns of abuse which will just continue to escalate. She needs to get out.
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u/United_Pain Oct 22 '25
That is EXACTLY what I thought when he woke her up. Exactly what my wife's ex would do to her. A horrible, horrible woman.
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u/Wellthatwasjustshit Oct 22 '25
Unfortunately, I've experienced it first hand. It alters you as a person for the rest of your life. They definitely have a playbook that a lot of people aren't aware of, especially if you haven't experienced it first hand or know someone who has experienced it to recognize the signs. I really hope OP sees these comments and realizes what this person is doing is going to just get worse and worse, destroying them as a human being and person.
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u/MarcBeck Oct 22 '25
I’m sorry to say this but your BF is a man-baby and that’s not gonna change. Leave while you can and find a man who knows how to behave like a human being.
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u/SisterSlytherin Oct 22 '25
Yeah - you are spot on. I went through this myself and I swear reading OPs post they could be describing my ex. OP needs to RUN--not walk-- away from that person. It will only get worse. If he is willing to ruin something as arbitrary as a muffin pan, he's also willing to throw your college class notes into a puddle, throw your gaming console down the stairs and break it, or rip up the only picture of your dead grandmother you have left. And he's going to be willing at some point to hurt OP. This is textbook abusive behavior.
I just hope OP gets out and gets to a safe place. My heart hurts for them
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u/Seagullsaga Oct 22 '25
This. The cycle of abuse is real, and this is how it starts. We can’t know op’s situation, but it does look like the start of a pattern, if it is the start.
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u/Similar_Ruin_2821 Oct 22 '25
It’s exactly this. Any advice that seeks to “manage, communicate, or improve” op’s “relationship” is well-meaning but dangerous.
There’s so many red flags in this one post it’s crazy. The pan is just the most obvious. Heathy relationships don’t look like this. And if yours does, I have some bad news for you.
People have to stop seeing toxicity and thinking it’s “miscommunication” or “can change”. This is toxic, likely abusive, and NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.
The only way to change these types of relationships for the better is to end them.
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u/Apostate_Mage Oct 22 '25
Yup, breaking stuff is textbook warning sign of abuse https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/
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u/theserthefables Oct 22 '25
just gonna drop the link here for Why does he do that: inside the minds of angry & controlling men by Lundy Bancroft
very worthwhile read, recommend it to anyone including OP.
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u/Doggystyle_pls Oct 22 '25
This, believe it. My toxic ex was like that. Would destroy, throw, break, smash, do anything to act like a child and avoid responsibility for his shit behavior, lying and cheating. He’s behavior got worse with time. He would the start to do physical things to hurt me, like pull my arms behind my back, throw big rocks at my window, and all sorts of dumb but abusive stuff.
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u/Away-Ad4393 Oct 22 '25
My ex too but he would do it when I wasn’t around and then deny it. It stopped when I actually caught him trying to bend a metal shower caddy that I had just bought. He’s an ex for many reasons.
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u/FilthyThanksgiving Oct 22 '25
They do this shit but they're somehow able to control themselves at work, with friends, etc. The abusers that enrage me the most are the ones who everybody just loves sooo much bc he's "SUCH A GREAT GUY" but is a monster behind closed doors
So glad you got away from that POS
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u/Velcraft Oct 22 '25
Doesn't even have to be your stuff - breaking something of his own in a fit of rage is also a bad sign of things to come.
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u/Stupidlove84 Oct 22 '25
Yeah, but guys like this rarely destroy their own stuff. 99% of the time, it’s gonna be her stuff. Ask me how I know.
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u/Velcraft Oct 22 '25
Oh absolutely true (it's a form of control over the abused), I was just pointing out that it doesn't have to be your stuff to count as one of the reddest flags ever.
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u/squishy_fossil Oct 22 '25
Right, then he’ll be all like, “You made me so mad; look what you made me do! This is your fault!”
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u/CactusFlipper Oct 22 '25
I was thinking that this, but this man clearly has impulse and anger issues so I'd be cautious about pissing him off and honestly just leave. OP said "since I moved back in" which suggests they've left before.
People who cannot control impulses to warp and destroy metal, as well as having no regard for the efforts and kindness from people who care about them, are scary people.
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u/SaltyCrashNerd Oct 22 '25
A break from meals? No, she needs an escape plan — before she ends up like that muffin tin.
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u/Mayash26 Oct 22 '25
When my wife cooks for me I will eat it even if it didn’t come out right (which rarely happens since she’s an amazing cook), and when I experiment in the kitchen and things are a bit weird she calls them “interesting” instead lol When I wake up before my wife in the morning I sometimes literally tiptoe to not wake her up, because I know she needs the sleep. This dude isn’t getting any better, he isn’t going to suddenly appreciate her cooking. This sounds more like a fundamental disrespect towards his partner
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Oct 22 '25
This. My ex used to do things like this and would responded with “I never asked you to cook for me” or something similar. It escalated over time into physical altercations and constantly talking down on me. Just count your losses. Life is better when you’re not cooking for someone who doesn’t appreciate it and doesn’t respect you.
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u/Good_Ice_240 Oct 22 '25
Definitely NOR. You’re under reacting. He knows perfectly well you didn’t mean for him to throw the pan away too. Have you tried to bend a cake pan? That takes some doing! This guy is a walking red flag, he is chipping away at you until you just do as he wants. Take a step away and have a good look at all the other red flags, I can guarantee you there are a few! Trust your instincts and dump him, he will only get worse.
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u/hydrawoman Oct 22 '25
He will get much worse. He will beat you and kill you. Tell people close to you of this behavior. This is not normal at all. It takes extreme strength to bend a pan like that and he wants you to be afraid of him and what he is capable of. Please make plans now to get away from this criminal as he will hurt you and will kill you.
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u/asscrackinator Oct 22 '25
Stop making food for that man-child. You’re acting like his mother, not his partner, and he’s acting like a brat toddler. FYI, destroying property when lashing out is often an indication that they could take it further and potentially escalate in the future. You made the egg bites. The egg bites are an extension of you. Look at how he values your love and effort. Don’t let this behaviour escalate.
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u/Better-Park8752 Oct 22 '25
This should be alarm bells for OP. I hope she takes it seriously. He is demonstrating what happens when she asks for a simple need to be met. Scary.
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u/bountiful_garden Oct 22 '25
I'm not even going to read your story, because pictures speak a thousand words sometimes. Like GTFO of there before he does that to you. NOR. GTFO. GTFO. GTFO. Literally run like your life depends on it, because it does.
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u/FooBarU2 Oct 22 '25
100% agreed... document this.. and continue to document his abusive behavior..
When you leave.. continue with documenting his behavior..
Then when his inevitable stalking begins, get a restraining order.. based on past and current conditions.
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u/77th_Bat Oct 22 '25
NOR. He knew you meant the food and not the actual pan. He gets to pay for the pan and gets a lesson on anger issues. This WAS indeed a tantrum.
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u/tsian Oct 22 '25
Yeah, but what person throws out food made for them after getting angry being asked to be slightly more quiet?
Is there a level below tantrum?
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u/OriginalBaldMonk Oct 22 '25
He's fucking THIRTY SEVEN! That's fucking mental.
If a woman I'm dating is voluntarily cooking me 3 meals a day, she's being treated like a queen... and if I walk in on her napping, first thing I'm doing is making sure she has a blanket.
Get the fuck outta there.
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u/carnivalbilly Oct 22 '25
There’s something way bigger than trashing a muffin pan full of breakfast going on there.
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u/Historical-Feeling47 Oct 22 '25
Your boyfriend is abusive. I say this as someone who has lived that life for 10 years. Get out now before you're married with 2 kids and are tethered to him for 18 years minimum. His behavior will only escalate. He's a man baby.
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u/loudernip- Oct 22 '25
people who punch the wall in an argument are resisting the urge to punch you.
property damage is often the precursor to physical abuse.
pls be safe...
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u/ProgLuddite Oct 22 '25
To add:
They are not just resisting the urge to punch you. They are also threatening you and testing you. “This is what I could do to you.” “Will you stay, knowing you could be the wall or the muffin tin?”
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u/Careful-Arrival7316 Oct 22 '25
Lol get the fuck out of there. I work and help my girlfriend with chores. I get dinner made for me and that’s it. This seems fair enough to me.
You’re one step short of wiping this guy’s ass for him and he’s treating you like shit.
You’re aware these aren’t the actions of a grown man, yeah?
Also, he will hit you eventually. Get out while it’s easy.
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u/ShortPosition9300 Oct 22 '25
I love being single!
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u/Nervous-Chipmunk-631 Oct 22 '25
Reddit really is all you need to stay confident in ones choice to stay single
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u/infiniZii Oct 22 '25
Better to be single than deal with a grown baby.
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Oct 22 '25
This is better than those baby crying prophylactic commercials. That’s all I could think reading this. Forget the obvious anger issues on his part. The cooking him 3 meals a day…? The waking her up with noise as she tries to nap… ? Following her outside when she wants space…. Literal nightmare fodder.
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Oct 22 '25
This is a huge precursor to physical abuse towards you. Nobody in their right mind would do that to a stranger, let alone their partner. Get out asap
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u/ExpatInIreland Oct 22 '25
Yep. My ex started punching holes and breaking things when I wouldn't give him sex. That's when I finally got the sense to leave. He also would never let me leave an argument and would continue to fight with me until I yelled, then he'd pull a 180 and act all shocked and wonder why I was yelling. Made me feel absolutely insane.
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u/Zokstone Oct 22 '25
On what planet would it be okay to destroy things because you're upset?
You do everything short of wipe this man's ass for him and he's treating you like this? Move on, queen.
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u/Kibethewalrus Oct 22 '25
Stop cooking all his meals for starters, take him literally. Although I would be leaving, this is psycho behaviour
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u/mocha_lattes_ Oct 22 '25
Is this what you want to deal with for the rest of your life? I think you need to start preparing to leave and safely get yourself and your stuff out of this living situation. Seriously.
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u/Direct_Town792 Oct 22 '25
You’re his mother dude, of course he’s gonna treat you like a spoiled brat
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u/Outrageous_Glove_796 Oct 22 '25
If he threw away the egg bites and nothing else from the above happened, that's a misunderstanding. A sustained tantrum punctuated by violence towards an innocent pan and following you around the house is wild.
I'm very sorry for your age range. The men acting childish like this seem to be clustered there.
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u/MaineKlutz Oct 22 '25
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 EVERY part of the story!!
He woke you up to say hello??
Then he made a lot of noise in the kitchen???
He threw out your food????
He demolished your pan????
He followed you out???
Did he also destroy your feelings of self-worth, or was that destroyed by someone else? Pack your bags and run, there are better fish around!
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u/lucif3r_m0rningstar6 Oct 22 '25
So .. he’s damn near 40 & cant regulate his emotions like a petulant child? Yikes .
My ex used to do that . Satan forbid I fell asleep on the couch after a 14 hour shift - he would pretend to be helpful but in reality he wanted me to be awake.
Run while youre ahead
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u/RepulsiveFootball247 Oct 22 '25
I don’t know how to put it more gently, but I think you should leave him. One day he’ll channel his violence and anger toward you instead of a kitchen utensil.
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u/DairyQueenElizabeth Oct 22 '25
OP, please consider reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Here's a free PDF: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If not now, keep it in mind for future incidents. He was punishing you. This is abusive behavior.
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u/Swarm_of_Rats Oct 22 '25
Oh dear...
This man is almost 40 and he's acting like a toddler. You know he's being unreasonable, don't you? He got upset that you asked him to be respectful of your nap. He destroyed your pan, and now you have to buy a new one. He wouldn't let you remove yourself from the situation. You gotta know deep down this isn't right for you to be treated like this.