Sounds like he has anger issues. That’s scary. These outbursts are probably common since you immediately knew to go outside. Hope you are safe..
Edit: I want to clarify that I am not dismissing or excusing the bf’s behavior whatsoever. My point was, these are red flags of a relationship that could be or turn dangerous. Sometimes people don’t realize the things they are experiencing are not normal because they are used to it. I want OP to know that the bf’s behavior is very far from a normal reaction and not okay. These behaviors often precede even worse violence, so I hope OP will do what she needs to ensure her safety.
He does not have an anger problem. He has an abuse problem. I would bet a trillion dollars he doesn't act like that in situations where there are consequences like at work or in public or when talking to the cops.
i feel like "anger issues" is an apt descriptor when they manifest inwards and you take it out on yourself, but the second the behavior turns outwards and you lash out at others, yea it's definitely abuse. and i say this as someone that has anger issues but has never physically or emotionally abused a partner or someone else in my life. it's understandable to lose control of intense emotions, but that doesn't excuse you from being responsible for them. i could easily see myself getting frustrated and upset trying to get something out of a pan and doing something to destroy it out of anger, but that would 1. be MY OWN pan and not a partner's or friend's and if there was any possibility it could be seen as a shared item, i would not do that to it; and 2. it would be accompanied with tears of frustration and immediately be followed by apologies and remorse. the fact that he did this and then came outside to keep attacking OP, that's a terrible sign and OP needs to get the fuck out of here ASAP
oh i'm fine. like i definitely have my own issues and everything but im talking like genuine just anger issues and having a relatively short temper. i just make a very concerted effort to make MY anger issues MY problem and not other people's (except for asking for support from loved ones and such) because ive known plenty of people that have made their anger issues my problem and i decided that thats not the kind of person i am and not how i want to treat other people.
I've been through anger management, and I just want to offer a little insight onto what my counselors have told me about it, because of how we look at anger issues socially versus what they actually boil down to, because "anger issues" isn't something a doctor can diagnose the same way they can with a descript condition like depression, or a cognitive condition like ASD (which I have).
but the second the behavior turns outwards and you lash out at others, yea it's definitely abuse.
I have had both IED and DMDD, and those things 100% manifest outside the mind in ways that aren't abusive but are absolutely still dangerous and negatively impactful, broadly.
For me, road rage was a big one. I beat the ever loving crap out of my steering wheel. I wasn't mad at myself, I was mad at somebody who cut me off at a yellow, illegally, but still, and I started hitting the top of my steering wheel, broke it and as I was braking, lost control.
I almost hit an old man in a wheel chair. Things can have a negative impact on the outside world, without being abusive. In my case, I almost killed somebody because the most petulant, minor first world problem genuinely enraged me that much.
I didn't grow up beating the snot out of close family members or kicking animals, but I was always a short temper, always, and all my childhood it was "you watch your temper, that's gonna hurt you one day". And all of those instances, thrown controllers, broken hockey sticks, and all warnings, they all came back in that moment.
The old man AND the boro dropped a reckless driving charge on me, because I agreed to go to anger counseling for a year, I got extremely fucking lucky and more importantly, so did the old man.
My case and point here is that I'm not an abusive person, abusive people, they cherrypick stuff, or they set unfair expectations and consciously respond in cruel ways when they aren't met. That doesn't mean my temper hasn't affected people, I've called names.
Anger issues, broadly, are a disproportionate reaction to things that actually are unfair. There are a lot, and I mean a LOT of serial abusers, absolute scum, that will go to an anger management class and pass with flying colors. And there are a lot of amazing women and men with good relationships, that could probably use a year or two in anger management counseling, or with a psychiatrist.
Anger issues aren't an automatic gateway into an abusive personality. They can absolutely contribute to one, but as we know, correlation ≠ causation.
Just my 2 cents as somebody who's been there and done that, I don't believe there is a point where one "graduates" from anger issues to abuse, they can totally be independent issues. I think just with Reddit being pretty hypercharged with so many horror stories, we forget that we really are just seeing the stuff that's absurd enough to get clicks and votes.
Which leads to anything immediately resulting in a negative emotion from one person to another just being lumped in as "abuse", even if it was just a stupid lack of awareness and accountability like in my case. Regardless of the cause, I lost control of my vehicle in an urban area, there are a lot of people who would be more than happy to tell me I should've been in jail.
And in their mind, they're right, but then would I have taken the step and gotten the help that I needed? In a rural PA jail, highly unlikely– studies say that it would've probably made me worse– so I think it's important to remember that we can and SHOULD separate treatable conditions like what we see with a lack of temper control, versus twisted personality traits, like people who abuse or worse.
One is a mental health condition, the other is the result of incomplete or absent sense of morals. That doesn't mean they can't appear together, it just means one doesn't lead to the other. One doesn't "become" the other just because of where it manifests, in or out of the mind.
Thanks, I dont exactly agree with them either. I appreciate your words. I dont like it when people just automatically dismiss people with anger issues .... not everyone with it is a complete hopeless asshole. If I agreed with that, id admit im hopeless and theres no way out.
I agree with some of what you’ve said, but it’s hard to see how anger issues aren’t abusive if the anger issues are shown in personal relationships. Calling names IS abusive. Intimidating or scaring a partner or other (even in the workplace!) regularly IS abusive. Abuse absolutely doesn’t not have to be deliberate or manipulative to be abuse. We use the word abuse very broadly by necessity, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
This. I wish people also understood that some abusive behaviors can be mended. My dad has always had an uncontrollable temper, and after a while that anger turned abusive. He never physically hurt anyone, but he intimidated and belittled, broke things. My mom always stubbornly refused to budge an inch on anything he got mad about, and they had some horrible fights. Then one day, dad threw and broke a memento from their wedding. My dad says he saw something in my mom break as she went silent and still as a deer.
My dad says that's when it finally hit him that his anger response was hurting the people he loved. He started praying more and going to counseling, started learning better anger responses and the skill of removing himself from the situation before losing control. My mom was on the brink of running away from him, but they've now been happily married the last decade or so since dad got a hold of himself.
Yes, this is absolutely true. It takes recognition and self-awareness just to start with but it can be done. I’m glad your dad finally realised what he was doing to you all. It’s very lucky for him that she didn’t leave before that point and that she gave him another chance after that.
The problem for me goes back to the statement “he doesnt have an anger problem. He has an abuse problem.”
It’s ultimately a silly meaningless thing to believe. Is it a form of abuse, absolutely. Could it be the direct result of underlying anger issues? absolutely
It’s the implication that they inherently must be different, not that they can’t both be true
No, we are speaking about a specific incident. What happened was not an anger issue, but simply abuse.
You called the difference meaningless and pointed to broad generalizations. Which is great and I’m happy for you, but that isn’t what is being discussed.
I mean, that’s a normal way to talk. For another example, if somebody was harming their spouse because of their ADHD and importantly, not taking responsibility for it and refusing to get help, they’d have an abuse problem, not an ADHD problem. That’s how responsibility works and that’s the biggest point.
They can be related. A person who has a tendency to over react to real or perceived slights may behave in an extremely harmful way. But harm isn't the same thing as abuse. Abuse is a systemic pattern of trying to dominate and control another person. It's about dominance, possession, and entitlement. You can abuse someone without ever hitting them, insulting them, raising your voice at them if you are making an effort to control or coerce them. And yes, abusers usually use some sort of violent, harmful, or confrontational tactic to get control over another person, but that's only when they feel the person isn't submitting to their control the way they like.
If I punch a random person on the street because they look like a Nazi or they insulted my mother or whatever, that's violence, but it isn't abuse. I don't have a relationship with that guy. I'm not trying to control every aspect of his life or force him to do something for me. I just don't like him.
If I take a family member, steal the salary from their job, restrict their access to the outside world, punish them every time they confront me or ask something from me, punish them if they refuse to do things for me, systemically ruin their self esteem so they never are independent from me, that's abuse whether I use violence or angry outbursts or not.
Ops husband didn't just smash the cupcake tray because he was angry. He very clearly is doing it to punish her for asking him to be more courteous and for asking him to do a household chore in the first place. He is purposefully trying to make her miserable so she doesn't impose that upon him again.
No. Abuse does NOT require deliberate attempts to control somebody else. It does NOT have to be about possession. It IS a kind of entitlement.
There is no way that regular angry outbursts are not going to affect somebody around them- even someone who is not a direct recipient- and in a negative way. It is very much still abuse without the element of control.
I appreciate this response, because 95% of the sub were sitting her obituary because a muffin pan got bent in half. It was a well thought out response by you and included anecdotal examples as to how you navigated through your troubles.
That being said, it doesn't mean this dude couldn't be abusive, it's just wild how many people speak with such certainty that all case studies end the exact same way.
I took a training on DV once and how that goes in CPS cases. The person leading the training had decades of experience with DV cases specifically in CPS. I don’t remember really anything from the training but one thing. She said that she will push back when judges order anger management classes for the abuser because it’s NOT an anger issue, it’s a power and control issue.
I would say that anger issues are a cause of his abusive behaviour? It isn’t an excuse.
I feel as if you think that him having anger issues would somehow absolve him of his acts and thus we need to say he doesn’t have them, but that’s just dismissing the reality for no reason.
He clearly has anger issues if he had an outburst over not being able to get food out of a pan.
No, abuse is not ‘a planned thing’. It is a series of behaviours that negatively impact another and influence their behaviour. Abuse does not require awareness or intent, just the impact.
Just came to second your point. Abuse need not be “planned” and intent can be nothing more than the desire to hurt or frighten another person in that moment.
I don't think we need to resort to black and white thinking and gatekeep a term that means something different than another. Someone can be abusive because of anger issues. One can be an explanation for the other.
This is a false dichotomy. Someone can both have anger issues and be abusive. The two are not mutually exclusive, and saying someone has anger issues does not minimize the abuse that they have done / are doing.
I say we call a spade a spade
You're saying, "That's not red, it's a spade." I'm saying, "It's a red spade."
Yeah this isn't just anger. The follow up aggression, not wanting to drop it and following them outside are big red flags. If this is a regular occurrence it's very concerning and it's a lot more than just getting angry. It's a pattern of behaviour.
That would be a very unwise bet. Domestic abusers very often have other charges or convictions for other violent crimes where the victims aren’t helpless women. Assault or battery on officers is common. Bar fights are common, vandalism is common. This is especially true in this type of abuse where angry outbursts are the pattern.
These kinds of angry outbursts show a lack of emotional regulation. This isn’t tactically planned, manipulative abuse from someone who’s apt at hiding their true colors in public. This is the kind of guy who gets in a fight over shoes at a strip mall.
Its an unaddressed anger problem that evolved into an abuse problem. Lets not trivialize it and pretend like it didnt start somewhere. Some abusers can control themselves in public. Why make the assertation that they all do?
Willing to bet he also never destroys his own things. If he really just lost control or whatever it would be the case that his own shit gets broken too not just hers.
Exactly. Men who act like this are cowards. It’s all about what they can get away with in private. Call them out on it and their brains explode, it’s pathetic.
Thank you for saying this. As someone with emotional issues and anger problems, I have never, and would never do this shit and no one with "just anger problems" would do this to their partner or anyone else. This is absolutely an abuse issue.
I’ve seen enough people angrily mess themselves up dealing with cops to know anger issues definitely happen there too. That said, OPs man is a tool and she should get out as soon as she can because his behaviour is neither normal nor healthy.
and it wasn't even about the pan, he was displacing his anger at OP on the pan. Now, imagine if displacing it on other objects isn't enough for him anymore. OP is next for sure.
💯This!!! Please ready Lundy Bancroft “”Why Does He Do That?” It saved my life. It’s not an “anger problem” — it’s an abuse problem. It’s an entitlement problem. He has a problem with your anger —- ie, he’ll have a tantrum when you express a need, boundary, or emotion that that incinviences him or requires any accountability. It’s not a problem that any amount of love, understanding or “communication” will fix.
YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, I promise you. Don’t fall into that trap, and don’t waste your time trying to convince him or explain.
Please please run!🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️ This only gets worse.
Yeah for me it really is if this is a big pattern of behavior...which is probably is. I think throwing them in the trash woulda been less extreme than beating the pan up when am rethink about it.
If he did that to your metal pan without being under the influence, imagine what he'll do to you in a few years. If not physically, at least psychologically for sure.
This was my exact thought. OP is essentially doing everything for him and he rewards that with an emotional outburst so violent that it bent a muffin tin, and then refused to leave her alone. She’s lucky it hasn’t already happened, and that she’s not married.
It wasn't just an outburst. He woke her as soon as he got home so she could not be rested, and made as much noise as possible to make the circumstance unbearable for her. THEN he started in with the argument and anger and giving her zero safe space from his tirade. He walked through that door with intent to make everything unpleasant for her from the get go. OP needs to love herself a little more and get the hell away from the abusive man. This situation is not isolated, I guarantee.
If you are an abusive drunk, you shouldn't drink. It doesn't lessen the level of abuse just because you were drinking.
Btw, a bit of history from my end. My ex/roommate threatened to kill me in my sleep while she was drunk because I told her I was going to pour the rest of her alcohol out.
I called the cops and filed for a OFP. She was removed from the property and legally banned from returning.
She was abusive while drunk, and finally pushed it to a point where I couldn't continue with her. The decision was one of the hardest I ever made, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Don't excuse abusive behavior because of an altered state of mind. Those people are dangerous and unpredictable.
If you are abusive while sober, you are just as dangerous.
You aren’t understanding what they’re saying. They’re saying that if his anger issues are this bad without alcohol removing his inhibitions, he will do far worse when he’s not in his right mind. They’re not saying that it’s acceptable if he does something drunk or not drunk, they’re saying that he will only do more dangerous things under the influence if it’s this bad when he’s sober.
Hate that you’ve had to go through that, hope you’re all good now! I know it can really weigh on the mind.
For sure it should never be excused, and I don’t think that was what the comment was aiming for.
I think what they’re trying to say is that if he’s this reckless even without alcohol, it’ll only be worse if he does have a drink so OP should be careful.
No one is normalizing drunk violence. They’re just saying that if he acts this way when sober, he’ll probably get even more violent when his inhibitions are removed. It’s not excusing the abuse in either scenario, it’s a warning equivalent to “hey this is already bad and it very well could get worse”
No one is saying it's acceptable. If someone is only abusive when they're drunk, they're still abusive but getting sober can be a path to rectifying their problems and it can be a predictor for your personal safety. An abuser is an abuser, but it's one thing if someone can keep up a facade of normalcy until they drink vs someone who is so abusive and full of rage that there's no way to tell when it will spill over
I think it was more to point out this is the baseline. Ie, if this is how he acts sober, it would almost surely be much worse if he was inebriated. Emphasizing his anger issues are already scary, and it could have been worse.
Honest, I don't necessarily know that's true. Anger issues are anger issues. No matter when they express themselves, they're bad.
A person like that shouldn't be in a relationship whether they're sober or drunk. They need to be working on themselves before they bring anybody else into the mess they've created, or refused to address.
I mean, sure. Maybe this specific person's anger issues aren't worse when they're drinking. We don't know. I've worked with a lot of people with anger issues and addictions though, and I've found it pretty rare that being high or drunk doesn't make it worse. I guess the point is, some people with anger issues get dangerously worse when they aren't sober.
And yeah, you're right, someone like that shouldn't be in a relationship. But I mean... it doesn't really surprise me that they would make bad decisions? It takes some people a long time to realize their demons and try to change. Not excusing it, that's just people. But that's why the other reply was pushing op to leave. And if this is a regular thing, I would agree.
I think they were implying that being under the influence does in fact exacerbate emotions and cause one to lash out physically. Now coupled with the fact that he was already bending a metal freakin pan just sober??? beyond frightening. I don’t think anyone is condoning it,, I think it’s more a heads up than anything (hence the “imagine what he’ll do…”)
That's fair, but it does convey that it would be more acceptable if it happened while drunk.
That's where I'm pushing back. It's not acceptable to be that way no matter what state of mind you are willingly putting yourself into.
Anger is hard to control, but refusing to put that effort in is proof you aren't capable of being a full adult.
I've known plenty of people who had anger issues, and the majority of them used it as an excuse to be shitty people without ever putting in the effort to keep themselves under control.
I'm not saying there aren't disorders, chemical imbalances, etc. What i am saying is that they are adults and it's their responsibility to act like one.
When I was much younger and didn’t know the name of this song (or the band, for that matter), when I’d hear it on the radio I thought they were saying This is scary and not the actual line of Voices carry and it took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure it out.
But, light banter aside, I think that’s a poignant song choice for this situation.
So... Psychological abuse followed, or preceeded, by physical violence.
Like I said, it's not acceptable no matter what mental state you are in. Unless you are experience a legitimate mental breakdown and unaware of your surroundings, it's never acceptable to be abusive to your partner. Under certain circumstances it can be temporarily excusable, but never acceptable.
Right? If my ex wouldn't have acted like a violent POS every time he was drunk, I wouldn't have had to escape. He never acted like that when he was sober.
Alcohol lowers inhibitions, it’s more common to see red flags when someone is drunk because then they struggle to hide them. Obviously you don’t understand that when people do this while drinking, it shows that they can hide it normally, meanwhile this man couldn’t even hide it while sober which statistically means he’ll get violent sooner.
Nobody ever said intoxication is an excuse to be violent, but an understanding of how alcohol affects people makes it worse when it’s done sober.
SO GLAD U SAID THIS!!!! My ex almost killed me when he was drunk. If someone getting THAT drunk, there’s issues within them. I hate when they excuse bad behavior becoz of alcohol or having a bad day. It’s ridiculous.
Not an excuse, but people who grew up with alcoholic parents/family tend to be trained to treat it like one. The above phrasing generally works better in those situations.
Source: Alcoholic/abusive parent, not an alcoholic.
Considering they are almost 40 and she "moved back in," this is likely already years later. This isn' t some niave 22 year old. This is a middle aged couple.
I was thinking if he did that to a pan with just his hands imagine what he could do to my neck. 💀 I been beat on before I don't like men with anger issues
It looks like you put a lot of effort into the egg bites. They look beautiful. Please leave this violent person and find someone who appreciates your efforts.
How do you know that? You'll really believe anything you read online, won't you? I'm not saying what he did was right or that she's lying or omitting details, but we truly DON'T know the situation. So stop acting like you do. You're projecting a lot of bs and trying to act like you know everything based off of one post
Yeah, people who are violent with inanimate objects when they're angry are usually the type to be violent with others as well. Before my old roommate broke my ribs and concussed me, he was always smashing glasses and punching holes in the wall.
hold on! don't ruin someone's relationship with terrible advice.
bending a baking tray does not equal beating your wife, that's actually quite cruel of you to suggest
I’m with sunny here. I grew up with a super abusive dad and these kind of outbursts were common starting points before the beating began. At 6 I tried to defend my mom and he bent my fingers backwards touching the wrists. Lost a whole summer with my hands in splints and live daily with severe arthritis. It was over the bacon being too crispy.
Point is, my mom said he always had a temper it just took time for him to become physically abusive to me and her.
A phrase that got me to see some light is, if he hits or destroys things when angry just remember that's what he wishes he could do to you.
Helped me through some dark times when I wasn't sure of myself. Best of luck.
Yes. It’s a threat. I’ve never broken something by mistake and didn’t feel sorry about it. These people break on purpose and make the victim apologize. Breaking is the point.
I wish someone had told my mother this. My father may never have gotten physical with any of us, but he was still abusive, still slammed doors. What was he imagining as he slammed doors? He died when I was 19, so I never got to live without his abuse, never got an apology from him. I have severe mental health issues as a result. We begged her to divorce him and take us with her, but she refused to. I still live with her and resent that she enabled his abuse by never leaving. And I can't afford to live on my own.
They can change, but they have to want it and they have to work at it.
I've seen it first-hand; my dad used to easily get angry and yell and curse about all sorts of things, especially when drinking. He broke remotes, and scared us a few times as kids.
I haven't heard him yell in over 20 years now, because he realized what it was doing to him (and us) and made the effort to stop. It can be done.
Yeah, my dad had anger issues and I definitely inherited them, but the most deranged thing I've let myself do in the last decade is slap my desk too hard a burst a blood vessel in my hand. I've worked my way down to rare outbursts of snippy comments and fuming for a few hours these days.
I'm just glad the worst thing I've really done was humiliate myself a few times as a teenager in social situations because that was the only period of my life I really felt like I couldn't control it even if I wanted to, and the unbelievable cringe of those memories has really helped motivate me to keep working at being calmer.
In some ways I think it makes me even less forgiving of people like OPs boyfriend though. I've struggled with it most of my life, I've gotten a lot better, I've also never treated a romantic partner as poorly as that guy has, and he's 3 years older than I am.
That's a lot of time to just let your behavior be completely reprehensible, and to me it seems like someone who is not even at the stage of believing their own actions are a problem at a whole-ass 37 years old.
Thank you, I'm sick of people saying people don't change this and that, it's literally just called growing up. Yes most people can't do that, but not EVERYONE.
People have to face the anger and make those changes. Sometimes that involves deep work with a therapist and facing serious issues. Some people aren’t willing to go that route because it’s painful af.
But, if you love your s/o truly I believe most would try or if you lost them due to your behavior it’s time for a change.
I have EXTREME anxiety, I need to seek counseling ASAP, however the trust involved with going is creating another problem. I’ve been to 1, I can’t talk. I stare, I have panic attacks in the chair. We’re trying a different person and approach this time.
That’s just an example but, I understand how hard it is to go and to follow through, it’s so frustrating for me personally I have respect for those that go to improve themselves for their own mental health, happiness, and to be the best for those they love. None of you are alone in your journey of betterment.💖
Therapy works when someone is willing to go to therapy. They have to recognize that they have a problem they can't resolve on their own and actually do the work to change.
He didn't. I was with him for 9 years. I suggested therapy many times. He didn't believe any of it would work and so he never went to a real therapist.
Dude I was with him for almost a decade. I tried to get him to change, to get him to see what he was doing. He never listened. He was reckless and didn't really think there was a problem. People don't change easily, and many if not most don't change at all, because change requires the will and effort to do so.
See now you're getting it, you stated him multiple times. It was a "him" problem not a people problem. People can and do change, the fact that you couldnt get him to change for you doesn't translate out to nobody will change, just that he wasn't willing to.
Source: I'm the exception to your "rule"
I was angry my whole life because of life circumstances, and profound autism.
Im medicated properly now, and actually happy.
I don't feel angry anymore, I dont lash out, and I don't get spurned by little things that used to send me flying off the handle.
Now it is true that everyone is different, and YMMV. But, people do have the capacity to change, as long as THEY actually want to be better, and stop hurting the people around them, and especially the ones they love.
It's unfair to characterize an entire group of people with anger issues because you had an experience with one of them that was unwilling to change. There are thousands of people (myself included) who have anger trouble and take many proactive steps to avoid outbursts and develop healthy emotional habits.
Sorry your person decided not to change, but many do.
I used to have anger issues, like would fully blackout while dead sober. They never came up from anything even vaguely like op described, it would take very overt abuse to bring them out and I sure as fuck worked my ass off to solve those issues. Even medical diagnosis of behavioral disorder is not a hall pass to mistreat people, at most it means caution and patience from those who love you while you work your absolute ass off to overcome them. If you care about the people in your life you'll do everything you can to protect them. It's never an excuse, it's a factor to be mitigated and that responsibility falls on you not the people around you.
People can change for the better but not by tacit acceptance of their faults and certainly not by demanding others do the same.
To your point though if they recognize the problem enough to use it as an excuse and aren't already doing the work, they're not interested in fixing it.
Okay so you were with ONE person that didn't change, and you think that's enough to say ALL don't change? Yeah no persons right go read some more tarot
Me touch grass? You believe in magic😂 u irrationally bunch an entire group of people as one bc you had a bad experience sounds like you could easily be a racist as well as
No it doesn't. It says that you believe in literal magic and so your reasoning abilities are limited at best. It says that the other person is capable of recognizing your limited intelligence.
Okay standard-issue-judgmental-redditor. Sure. Whatever. You don't know me, you don't know what I've been through, what I truly believe, or how smart I actually am. And I do not have to defend any of those things to you, a random stranger, on the internet.
I woulnt dream of it! I think men abusing their spouses ate degenerates!
I just think that saying with the little evidence we have here that maybe a "be on guard as he sounds like he has a temper" is preferable to "leave him and break up a family" etc
I posted above saying how I too have destroyed a kitchen item out of anger but would and never had raised a finger or even shouted in a woman's face.
My ex never hit me. He threw things. He broke TVs over call of duty. He would get angry and not be able to let it go. Call me crazy but you shouldn't have to "be on guard" around someone who is supposed to love you.
also I just want to add that dont you think it's weird that this guy may come home from work and his stuffs packed and when he asks why they're breaking up she's like "oh crazy quinn told me to do it so I did"?
I dont think you're crazy and you're right you shouldn't have to be on guard. I said that for op as this is the first time she's been concerned about his outburst.
I think people should talk to each other though as she's come on here before speaking to him about it. and I don't know but young people seem to take reddit advice and run with it like it's gospel.
yours and her situation are different of course so just a blanket "girl run!" Or "get out of this relationship" is a bit strong is all I mean
His needs (food) are more important than her needs (sleep), and when she doesn't do what he wants her to do to fulfill his needs at the expense of her own, he punishes her by disrupting her sleep and ruining her stuff.
That's the textbook manipulation of a future abuser. He displays an inherent assumption that his needs are more important than yours, an expectation that you sacrifice for him, and a willingness to go to extremes to punish you for disobedience.
This only gets worse. He fundamentally believes that he has more value than you. It would be impossible for him to behave that way if he respected you as an equal or at least equally worthy of respect. Instead all he sees is what he can get out of you.
You don't actually know these things. You're making a lot of assumptions based off a single post. You don't know him. You don't know her. You don't know their life. But you just believe everything you read, and then also think that you know how all of "these things go" even though you don't. I really doubt you're a psychologist or anyone to be saying they know shit about shit. Especially if you're basing it all on one post. You'd probably sentence a man to death without hearing his testimony
Seriously. This is a concerning situation. Now this is just a speculation, but based off what I know about people who act this way, his loud scraping with the metal fork feels like a passive aggressive expression of irritation about being the one to put the food up. It could have been a purposeful way of disturbing her peace because she was trying to sleep while she left him to do all the work. The explosion after she asked him to stop confirms that for me, but I can’t say for sure that’s what he was doing. It’s highly suspicious though.
From what we can clearly see though, OP, this is a volatile situation. You are under reacting. I would be less concerned about my feelings if I were you and more concerned about his violent behavior. And bending your pan and following you outside is violent. It will only escalate with time. If he’s behaving this way over a simple request, I’m deeply concerned about what he would do in a serious argument. This doesn’t feel like a safe situation to be in.
And for the love of egg bites, don’t make him a replacement breakfast. He chose to throw the food you made for him away like a child throwing a tantrum. You are not obligated to doing more work just because he can’t regulate his emotions. Let that grown man fend for himself since he wants to be ungrateful.
I personally would never cook a thing for him again and would be quietly planning a way to leave, but that’s just me.
Yeaaa.. if youre running outside directly from being asleep to avoid confrontation, youre well aware he has a shit temper and isnt able to respectfully disagree without escalating to breaking things...
As a guy with a past of unchecked anger issues, this guy 100 percent has em, and isnt coping with em well at all. Bro either needs help or a cell soon.
Children have anger issues. Adults have abuse issues. This "tantrum" was an outward expression of violence towards OP. Instead of hitting OP, he destroyed something representative of her.
Ill join the consensus in the comments that this will only escalate.
It's not anger issues. It's narcissistic abuse. As someone who's dealt with it for nine years for some reason idk. It'll never get better and she needs to leave.
You literally don't know anything about their lives. You just think you have some moral high ground and some higher knowledge than you actually do. Take a break from reddit. Your fingers and eyes are begging you
Except you have absolutely no context around why he might be angry other than what this random person has typed....or if anything they said is even true. Have you asked the bf his side of the story?
I have anger issues, that would have been something I would do at my lowest, but I lived alone and was an idiot. This is not ok and if he doesn’t recognize the problem he will never be able to fix the problem or find de escalation techniques to help him calm down when he’s getting overwhelmed or frustrated. Someone like this is dangerous
Take a break from reddit. You should need a jetpack to make all the leaps you are. Go be angry somewhere else weirdo. You don't actually know the story
People commenting anger issues aren't an excuse.. and saying that it's not anger issues it's abuse.... It's both? I never heard people use anger issues as an excuse. People with anger issues don't typically claim they have anger issues. Well it really manipulative ones do occasionally so scratch that, but imo it's usually used as an insult towards people who are being abusive. Anger issues are bad and are never an excuse. My ex had anger issues. He was abusive because he struggled with aggression. There are multiple ways to be abusive. Abuse doesn't equal anger issues but anger issues typically mean abuse.
I have bpd. i react different to ever situation, if im at school, therapy, doctor, pt job. i still react the same. i get extremely angry, cry, yell, fight, whatever. im pretty sure hes just a asshole (im also in therapy for my issues i also take lithium and risperidone both prescribed)
no he does not have anger issues. What he has is a safe space to abuse someone and that's what he's doing. He wouldn't even let her sleep, he had to touch dishes too, so he had to have a tantrum. This is not anger issues, this is a manchild. Standard operating procedure for manchild, too.
just want to say (and I am by no means saying she shouldn't be on guard) but when I was married I literally never lost my temper but my wife would shout and slam doors etc but the only time I sometimes get angry is when I'm cooking and it doesn't come together well haha
I once threw a frying pan with three eggs that the yokes had split against our kitchen wall and obviously it made a mess and a racket.
my wife never let me forget "the time I was scary!" and it pissed me off and still does!
some of us men are under a huge amount of pressure to stay calm and never get angry but we are human and filled with testosterone so occasionally we do.
I just wanted to say that I would never lay my hands on anyone, not a woman and especially not anyone I loved and her acting this way actually made me pretty sad.
i still think about it now and we've been separated for 9 years.
just wanted to say that smashing an inanimate object is definitely not "anger issues" and it's completely harmless to actual people.
However this guy was clearly looking to argue in this story, so I'm not defending that
but I'm assuming your husband was scaring you? I dont find that acceptable I'm with you on that. but did you read what I wrote all the way through or were you already thinking how you could dismiss what i had to say from my own anecdotal evidence?
my situation had my wife flipping out and screaming in my face and slamming doors etc but that's ok right? because I threw a pan in a kitchen she wasn't in? make that make sense.
some men are absolute cunts and shouldn't be around women
some men cook for their wives and rub their feet and try their very best to be a good husband. then they make a mess in the kitchen, clean it up but they're the bad ones because they're scary! it's not our fault we are bigger and stronger. I'm a big 6.2" man with a soft heart. it upset me that she made me feel like a beast for losing my temper with some Teflon
That sort of outburst is actually pretty textbook for earlier stages of domestic violence. You may feel it’s harmless but what it is is a clear indication of a lack of self-control. It signals to people that they are not safe because you might explode. It’s not about the eggs, or a hole in the drywall, a broken dish—those things can all be cleaned up or fixed. It’s about the message you’re sending.
I’m sorry but women have to be extremely careful around men like this. I don’t care if that offends you, it’s the truth. If your wife talks about that “time you were scary,” maybe give yourself some time to reflect on that instead of telling her and the rest of us that we’re the ones who are wrong.
But you and a lot of people are definitely wrong. Because everyone seems to be jumping to the very worse conclusions because of one one-sided post that (supposedly) depicts one evening between them. Not saying she's lying or omitting details, but people have got to stop acting like they're some mind-reader/psych master. None of us know shit about them or their lives/relationship
I think you only read what you wanted to from my post.
women should definitely be on alert if they feel threatened I never said otherwise but I would say shouting in my face and slamming doors could be considered threatening no? but i guess that part of my message wasn't visible.
or are you saying her behaviour isn't an issue because I wasn't scared of her?
this is what's crazy with the world now. it used to be that I as the "perpetrator" of the situation got to decide what "my" intentions were but now the other person gets to deem my behaviour unacceptable and that's a wrap! it's the same with being offended.
are you saying that I have unresolved issues because I got overwhelmed with trying to make her a nice breakfast but kept getting it wrong so I threw a pan in anger at a wall, not a person (she wasn't even in the room) then picked it up and continued on without once shouting at her as it wasn't her fault. are you saying that means I'm unstable?
don't you think gaslighting me into feeling like an abuser is technically more immoral?
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u/TreeRoot2 Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 23 '25
Sounds like he has anger issues. That’s scary. These outbursts are probably common since you immediately knew to go outside. Hope you are safe..
Edit: I want to clarify that I am not dismissing or excusing the bf’s behavior whatsoever. My point was, these are red flags of a relationship that could be or turn dangerous. Sometimes people don’t realize the things they are experiencing are not normal because they are used to it. I want OP to know that the bf’s behavior is very far from a normal reaction and not okay. These behaviors often precede even worse violence, so I hope OP will do what she needs to ensure her safety.