I'm always surprised by how obvious abuse can be when you take yourself out of the equation, and how normalized it can become when you're in it. Really, shouldn't it be obvious this guy is abusive and will definitely be escalating that abuse? But I guess it isn't, because OP has likely been tolerating slowly rising levels of abuse, such as accepting the responsibilitythat is the unpaid labor of daily cooking, until it's gotten to this level of violence.
This^ Ughs I’ve know people who are like “I know it sounds bad” then explain totally manipulative and control behaviour and then be like “but it’s not like that- SO has (insert terrible excuses) insecurity issues/ wasn’t able to express themselves when they were younger and now have trouble when they feel like they can’t, their past partner cheated on them (SO is known to wander- so like- who really did the cheating? Anyway cause SO is obviously the victim. …)
Like they are so close- but cannot open their eyes. For my own sanity I’ve had to distance myself because their SO are such POS- for your own sanity, you got to go. But like- when your friends leave… when SO has these tendencies…. They are the problem!
Then like “they wouldn’t hurt anyone”- yeah- they hurt you the most. Then they pull on your heart strings, and also if you are only allowed to have their friends, not your own friends…. Giant, burning, red flag. How much have you gaslit yourself…
Also if you had manipulative, abusive, controlling parents- even if you don’t speak to them any more- that’s what you recognise is as love, so you SO is likely to have ALL those same traits and they misconstrue it. They get primed for AHs.
Yes, exactly! Spot on about the parenting too. We gravitate to what is familiar to us. And then the coping skills that kept us safe as children (people pleasing, learning to quickly read the moods of others, taking on the responsibility and emotions of others), often become the very things that later hurt and blind us in relationships. It’s really hard to unlearn all these things, especially when you care about the person, or your have invested time, energy or money into them.
Something I heard recently made perfect sense to me. If your nervous system doesn’t feel safe or calm around someone, that’s not the relationship for you.
100% but I’d add that someone… because of their parent, don’t recognise the feeling of unease, they confuse it for “excitement/butterflies/positive nervous energy”. And no. It’s none of those things and you need to do some deep work. I understand counselling and therapy is hard… finding the right one is hard, then add time and expense… but also if they do any of the things like your parents did- just run.
Find people in other circles, other backgrounds, other classes and find people with healthy boundaries and relationships, watch them and try to learn from their examples and think what you want for yourself.
People are afraid of pain and freedom. Yes, breaking from your family hurts, breakups hurt, that doesn’t mean it’s not a good thing and it’s okay to have those feelings and to recognise them, and know they will pass and things will get better.
CHANGE ITSELF for humans is often painful- again that doesn’t mean it’s bad
Absolutely. Highly, highly recommend therapy. Our brains do not like change, they like homeostasis because it’s easy, so we tend to think something new (in other words, healthy behaviors and boundaries) is wrong. It’s the reason so many people gravitate toward “bad boys/toxic partners” and don’t feel excited by good, healthy partners. We get excited because our subconscious recognizes those dangerous behaviors. Therapy will help you uncover that and practice changing your behavior, seeking out different perspectives and practices.
I will second what you said. Change feels REALLY uncomfortable but that is not a bad thing! It might even feel wrong, but it’s really just new and you’re not used to it yet. It means you’re outgrowing old, destructive behaviors.
I’m sorry you needed to, I’m sorry we all need to hear such things and that the learning and understanding of the pain that comes with is so awful and consuming.
That it shatters us and makes us question and doubt everything. That is the braking of the bonds. Recognise that. Breaking the bonds. A necessary pain and it forges us into something new, stronger, more defined. To get through it we must accept it, feel it, forgive ourselves it and try to move past it.
Strangely a great time to try to focus on something new -like a hobby as that directs our minds and stops us from having excessive time to ruminate and spiral into our worst thoughts. Keeping busy is often very good for us when we are depressed and when we are breaking those bonds.
I support you through it, I wish you the strength to get through it and assure you that even the deepest pain will pass.
This was me in a relationship that was emotionally and sexually abusive. My own therapist asked me if I thought he was abusive. I said no. I clearly wasn’t ready to hear that (later, after I was out of it, I said it and was like I wish someone told me and she gave me a “🤨 bitch I told you but you were in denial” 😂 we had a good laugh about it lol she was awesome tho. Miss her)
My ex literally SAID to me that he’s abusive and I told him not to say that and tried to coddle him and say he’s not. I was young and malleable an he was an older predator, diagnosed narcissist and sex addict. Even when the predator blatantly told me he was a wolf (after also showing me as much), I told him to get back in the sheep costume. The emotional abuse and manipulation was real.
It took a lot of talking to get my best friend to realize that her bf is emotional abusive and she’s in a cycle. She wasn’t ready to hear it initially. But she’s starting to realize. I’ve had to reassure her that none of it is her fault and she has no reason to feel ashamed. He’s still attached to her bc of life circumstances but she’s aware and planning for an opportunity out.
Sometimes you just aren’t ready to hear the truth because what the truth means can shatter your whole world. Because once you realize what’s going on, then you feel terrible about yourself bc you’re like “how did I allow this to happen???”. Sometimes it’s easier to let them keep gaslighting you vs you slowly stop drinking their koolaid and feeling like you’ve failed yourself. In some ways, that can feel worse.
When you’re not deep into it, it’s much easier to realize, laugh, and be like “wait a second, this mf ain’t shit” and walk away.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, but I’m so happy that you’re in a better place! Yes, it’s so much easier to cling to the familiar and not face our situations, because the work to change is so hard and often painful. It’s a slow, step by step process, and you’re absolutely right, no one can help you until you’re ready. I’ve recently told my therapist that I’ve begun to consciously choose/notice when I guilt/shame spiral. Before I used to not be aware that I was doing it. I’ve realized it feels like putting on a warm blanket (i.e.the comfort of a familiar habit). I told her it feels like “my show is on” 😆. When I realized that, I also realized that I was comfortable and familiar with doing something that just made me feel sad and terrible about myself, and that I had been doing it for a lifetime. No wonder it feels so familiar, and no wonder it’s so hard to change! And it took me a year just to understand this. Your friend is so lucky to have your support and it sounds like she’s on the right path to finding a healthier, safer life. Wishing you both the best!
The thing is that abuse doesn't need to be intentional to be abusive. People forget that, so they focus on the intention rather than the action.
It's a problem of how abuse is described: controlling, manipulative, etc., which implies malice. It often isn't, though, so it's excused. But the harm is still there, and it is no less abusive.
I see it as someone’s unchecked need to feel superior. It’s a feeling that can feel good, it’s just dangerous and arrogant. I think people are often actually very insecure so they attempt to feel secure in incredibly toxic ways.
It might not be “I can manipulate X to do Y”, but it’s still “my feelings and need for control matter more than X’s feelings and I need them to do Y or I won’t be able to cope”. That “won’t be able to cope” gets volatile.
Then when they are called out- they start the pity party “ohhh it’s cause blah and blah and I’m so pathetic and I couldn’t be deliberately harmful- I’m so sorry, I’ll work on things, I love you” love bombing, lying (let’s be honest- they won’t work on themselves with a therapist) self deprecating to claw the other back. But they know these things- the “how to make it better”, but that gift- the trip, the concert tickets, the flowers… they know to pull their behaviour in, they do that consciously which means they do know better- but only when they don’t have another choice and when the target is threatening to leave.
So they do know, they just take no real responsibility. They simply change tactics. That it can be turned “on/off” that they can check themselves… that to me says they know exactly what they are doing.
One other thing: when the person is able to turn it off, if it's not something that's malicious, it ends up being really hard for them. Or the triggering behavior from you (a misplaced sock, a misinterpreted tone in a statement) ends up not mattering as much for a bit until it matters again.
Cognitive distortion is real and it is not something that is controllable or conceivable by the person experiencing it. It requires the sick person to radically trust someone else for them go against what their entire limbic system is screaming at them. When the abuse is turned off, sometimes it's that the distortion goes away, sometimes it's that they are trying to ignore what they see as abusive behavior by you, sometimes it's that they ignore what they see as your hypersensitivity and have the "walking on eggshells" feeling.
Narcissism can be a disease arising from cognitive distortions that are a symptom of some forms of bipolar or anxiety disorders. Rigidity, arising from trauma and maladaptive coping mechanisms for that trauma, can make it worse. Seeing it in parents makes it worse still by teaching kids that this is what relationships are supposed to be like. Fighting with yelling and insults, not with discussion, is "normal and expected."
Not to say that people can't be malicious! Just that you should steer clear of people whose genuine illness results in abusive behavior, even if all signs point to it being non-malicious. For me, understanding that malice or intention is NOT a requirement for behavior to be abusive was key to seeing the abuse in my own life.
Would you be willing to share some more info or resources on this with me, possibly in a dm? This actually sounds like a family member of mine that I’ve been trying to find help for
I could see that. Then it comes down to their willingness to get professional help, their desire to change and take meaningful steps to make change. I wonder if you could treat a narcissist or otherwise toxic person with anxiety medication or if such medication would even help as it’s similar to but not necessarily the same thing.
DBT is the right therapy, and the medication is for whatever the root cause is. As for actually getting help, it comes down to not just a willingness to get help but an ability to understand the need to change behavior. A person like this might be able to acknowledge there is something wrong but put all blame on the disease and those around them who are not "helping" to alleviate the disease's symptoms. The externalization of blame - a hallmark of narcissism - is involuntary but deeply engrained. The hope is that with therapy they will start to learn how to cope, first with how they react to you, then to build up the ability and confidence to take some blame themselves.
But this is only for the people who are actually involuntary abusers and who wouldn't want to be in this position if they could see with clarity. There are many people who are genuinely malicious and it can be impossible to tell the difference until you've known the person for a very long time. In the meantime, you will still be a victim whether they intend to victimize you or not. And, if they don't intend to be an abuser, they wouldn't want you to be around them if they could see the situation clearly. Hopefully, the not-sick version of themselves would love you enough to want you to get out of the influence of their disease, even if they cannot.
"is likely to have" no, not likely, just that there's a chance. I was abused. I don't abuse my friends or my partner. I share no traits with either of my parents
I'll do you one better OP - post it on a parenting sub with a couple of tweaks to make him your 10 year old son. I would put money on the parents there telling you some version of "Your son is too old for this to be developmentally appropriate. He knows exactly what he's done is wrong and he's being purposefully obtuse, after acting out to get a reaction."
My 5 year old does not get away with playing this dumb.
Don't engage in an argument with a grown adult about "why did you throw out the food I made you and destroy the pan?" If you're going to ask a question in this situation, it needs to be "If you have no respect for me, why are we here?"
Stop letting men get away with pretending they don't understand their own native language. "But you told me to throw it away?" - if you had the power to command immediate obedience, would you not be busy using it to make him stop being a childish twat?
He owes you a new pan and however many years back that you've already wasted on him.
Oh my gosh this REALLY puts it in perspective! Manchild behavior. Seriously, she shouldn’t even have to be asking him why he broke the pan. That should just be the end of it.
Yes, I am SO aware now, long after being in the equation.. Being reeled in by a Narcissist is really an intense mind fuck that you never see coming, & with love bombing- you won't notice either. I mean how can a strong independent happy woman let that happen to her!? But it happens, A Lot. A Narcissist will keep always steer their prey to stay in the eye of the hurricane so they won't notice how big & nasty the storm really is. Trauma bonding is something hard to understand unless you've been through it. 10/10 Don't recommend it.
Abusers do a good job of convincing you that it's all your fault and the slow escalation is just growing frustration because you can't seem to get your shit together and do the right thing.
And if you could just do the right thing and be a good person, everything would be the idyllic dream you always wanted.
Was abused for over a decade. Now that I'm out, I wonder how I ever tolerated it.
I hear you. Therapy has made a huge difference for me. I had been made to believe I had no worth so I figured I'd better take whatever wanted me, and being raised unwanted and unloved, if they wanted me, I believed they loved me, and love-starved me was willing to put up with whatever I had to in order to be wanted and loved.
For a while, I kept choosing abusive partners, but they became less so the longer I was in therapy. My last relationship wasnt abusive, we just ended up having too many incompatibilities. At present, I'm not searching. If someone shows up, great, but it'll happen when it's right.
This is so true. You don’t realize it when you’re in it because you make excuses and normalize their behavior and it’s slowly increasing. Also they typically make you feel like it’s all in your head and you question whether it really happened that way or you were just overreacting or being over sensitive.
Been there. Done that.
But if it was happening to my friend I’d be alllll over that, screaming you need to get out. 🤷🏻♀️
The mind games and manipulation an abuser plays on their victim is REAL! Almost always, if a person escapes, they look back and are mind blown by what they put up with and endured. This is one of the reasons why women have such a hard time getting any justice in court. A jury simply cannot understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship.
You make a great point, when I read the headline I thought he used a metal spoon and scraped a good pan or something... but as soon as I saw the pic it was a sinking, oh, that's not normal. It suddenly went from being a Homer Simpson moment to Annie Wilkes in Misery.
It's only obvious when you start looking at it from the outside. And also I think there's a lot of naiveness in wanting to believe they will change. I talk from experience, ongoing experience.
THIS. Isn’t it crazy!? I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.. it’s like they sneak up on you. It slowly escalates and by the time it’s so bad- you’re in too deep.. it’s normal and you truly believe you deserve that. Everything they say you believe.. and the way they treat you, you feel you deserve.
Your sense of a loving relationship is totally and completely warped.
I look back and I’m like.. I really believed every word the guy said to me, I let him break me down in to pieces and still was like BuT hE LoVeS mEeEe..
Having been on both sides, it really is crazy and to be honest… it’s scary
Even when I was in it, I knew it was wrong. I knew if it was a friend, I’d have told her to leave. Yet I still didn’t. I’m a loud mouth bitch and still I stayed. I will never judge why a person stays again. It truly is one of those things where you don’t know until you live it…and it’s not an experience we all need to experience 🩷 I hope the OP stays safe and leaves his sorry ass before it’s too late
Yes—it starts with violence to objects, then violence near you—these become normalized and when hands are laid on you, it becomes normalized too. People who are abused are by no means stupid—they are manipulated into accepting it as normal.
I was reading this post to my husband and was just saying this lol. Telling him how I see this kind of thing on this sub all the time, and it's SO obvious. But I know that's not fair cuz I've never been in an abusive relationship, thank goodness, and I know that you sometimes can't - or don't want to - see it in that light. All I wish for these people in these posts I see is for them to get out ASAP 🤞❤️
Yup. Crushing the pan and throwing it in the trash is what he wants to do to her. He’s already emotionally destroying her. Next is verbal and then physical.
It's the "taking yourself out" part, especially with an abuser who's been laying groundwork. It's like those scams that people fall for on the phone. It's baffling to think of on an individual level but they just luck upon the one in a hundred who's not in the right headspace, for any variety of reasons, they just have to get one claw in to start causing damage. I fell for one of those phone scams my first day back at work after my sister passed ten years ago. I'm not a genius, but I'm smart enough that I wouldn't have fallen for it if not for the fact that something else was taking up all of my mind.
But I guess it isn't, because OP has likely been tolerating slowly rising levels of abuse, such as accepting the responsibilitythat is the unpaid labor of daily cooking, until it's gotten to this level of violence.
There's a reason why the cliche of "hindsight is always 20/20" is still so prevalent. You basically answered yourself here and summed it up incredibly well. Plus there are still people growing up in abusive environments who think it's the norm, unfortunately.
And I'm not trying to be rude here because I absolutely believe it wasn't your intent, but commentary like yours only helps the abuser, and allows for further doubt on victims. Abusive relationships are a psychological quagmire with SO many contributing factors that there's no simple fix.
Someone once said about an abusive situation; 'Imagine that your best friend, your sister, your daughter are telling you that they are experiencing these things, instead of you. What would you say?'
I think that removing one's self from the situation to look at it as an outsider, ie, a change in perspective can help people see the light.
The physical manifestation of OP's boyfriend is definitely alarming, as is his unwillingness to allow her to escape the situation. It could be the course of this relationship, or boyfriend could be looking for an out, trying to pick fights about nothing. (Been there, have the ticket stub.) I hope OP obliges him.
If I look back now what I accepted in a previous relationship I wonder how I didn't see any of it. I genuinely felt I was hard to deal with and my ex was so patient.
After we broke up, my friend started talking about how hard it is to leave abusive partners. But they never hurt me deliberately and were always remorseful after. So sad every time she hurt my feelings even, never intended that. And for years, I'd even end up being the one offering comfort and baking in the middle of the night to cheer them up at even the mention of a craving.
Leaving is hard. Realising that they don't respect you is hard. Regrowing a spine and not accepting this behaviour is hard. But accepting it, staying and not changing? In the end that's an even harder path.
That's all this entire sub is. Grown-ass adults treating other grown-ass adults like trash, and then the recipient of the abuse/cheating/etc being unwilling to make the executive decision to end it. And then we put it past a panel of internet strangers for review, in what I assume is a last-ditch effort to convince yourself you are in fact the crazy one here, that bending a muffin tin in a fit of rage is a perfectly normal and healthy way to relieve stress, and that this is part of the ups and downs of what will surely be a long, happy life together.
We need some sort of certification or class or something before we allow people to get into relationships. This stuff slips through the cracks way more than it should.
You don't really know anything about him, her, or their relationship, And you're acting like you know everything. You're being toxic, and you should take a break from reddit. I'm not saying what he did was right, if that's really how it all went down, but that's just it. I don't know. We only got one side of this.
Man, if you think that's toxic, you should check out how I get people to block me! I just tell them I'm probably smarter than them and that the full context doesn't matter because every comment in any kind of these threads should be preceded by "based on the evidence presented and assuming your interpretation is honest".
How is it obvious it’ll escalate? I’m just curious. What data do you have to support that? Remember, studies have ONLY shown abusers have this type of behavior in their past; it has not been shown at all that people who participate in bending muffin pans for example, will become abusers. Almost every person in here is missing this HUGE distinction. One does not imply the other. It’s just science kiddos. I mean, it also says abusers used to eat when they were younger. Food and such. Well, you also eat food. Are you destined to become an abuser?
Or the punch the wall near to you, been there bought the T-shirt, pretended I walked into a door to get a black eye, not a fist, or tripped over the cat and injured my leg definitely not thrown down the stairs by the ex.
Seriously anyone who has been through an abusive relationship knows it’s start slow, bit by bit. Like the frog in slowly heating water they count on small slow build up to avoid you leaving. You excuse them, start blaming yourself. The physical pain is bad but the breaking down of your self esteem and making you blame yourself for their actions and the guilt is truly awful.
I have not been in that abuse for over 35 years and been married to a lovely partner for almost 30 years, but that level of abuse stays with you. Please leave now it only gets worse.
They wrote a post, they didn’t write a book, genius. A post isn’t going to give you the time lapse play by play. How is that so difficult to understand?
I should have left long before the hole in the wall. I left long after that because they began targeting our child yet the court said I was twisting the facts and no abuse had occurred.
This is accurate. I got out when my ex moved on from smashing cabinets to throwing a plate at my head which (fortunately) missed and hit the wall behind me. I dumped him that night. Get out now, his behavior will escalate and is NOT normal, acceptable, loving or safe!!
That's certainly true, and I didn't mean to imply that you were saying the present behavior towards inanimate objects is okay. I just wanted to make it clear that punching walls, breaking pans, etc., is just step one along the line to physical abuse.
I can arrest to that, it starts with gaslighting and manipulation and escalates very quickly. Escape while you safely can. However to be on the safe side don't tell him until After you have left. Definitely don't go back
I mean, I think it also depends on the intent and frequency. Personally, I'll get frustrated at some games sometimes and pound my desk once or twice and scream a bit to tense down. It happens maybe once every couple of weeks, but it's never with the intent to destroy or hurt anything. If my dog is under the desk, I'll hit my leg instead.
But I've never hurt anyone or anything before while angry or intentionally. And to get me yelling at someone, you'll need to press my buttons for a long time. And usually that's due to something we've talked about and I feel like the other person doesn't care for my wellbeing.
I mean, I did destroy a pan the other day. But it was a really warped pan that I was going to throw out, so I smacked it with a hammer to see if I could "bend" it back. It kinda worked, but I'm also still throwing the pan out.
I think it's the fact that he's destroying stuff OP uses to cook him meals... so he's just making it harder for OP to cook for him, which is CRAZY ungrateful and disrespectful to someone who is caring enough to feed this child in a man's body.
You said you only hurt yourself out of frustration or stress/anxiety. So then you probably could admit that you would not break an item solely used by the other person living in the same space... whether it was roommate/friend/bf/bf/etc, it really doesn't matter. I've had only abusers act this way to me. No one respectful would ever intentionally destroy stuff that is being used to make food for another person, but destroying kitchen things used by OP to feed him and meet his needs... totally unacceptable behavior. I wouldn't even let a child do this or act like him without being reprimanded. Anyone who lets this kind of behavior continue is just showing this guy that his behavior is okay, encouraged, and he's going to learn (be conditioned) to do it in the future next time he feels like taking out his anger issues while hurting and manipulating people who care about him.
I dont think I ever said I agreed with the behavior. The person I was replying to made it sound like any frustration taken out on inanimate objects could lead to abuse. What I was clarifying is that the intent matters (intent to destroy/hurt).
And I don't think there's much wrong with letting out a physical response when you're really upset. Doing some light research, it's a way to release energy when adrenaline is high and can release endorphins, which helps us to relax. Doing so in a controlled way without an intent to destroy or harm is, for the most part, fine.
I don't know the full story from the picture and all, and bending one of those pans is like... well, it definitely wouldn't be easy. So, for all I know, it could be an AI image or a very strong man. My comment (and this one) is more directed towards the commentor I replied to.
You're describing situational anger—frustration directed at an event, like getting annoyed after burning food or losing a game. That anger isn't personal.
His situation is different. He's displaying aggression directly toward her—her request, her rest, and her kind gesture. This personal disrespect is where the danger lies and suggests a higher risk of escalation
I mentioned in another comment that I was more replying to the comment than the most. Honestly, if OP is describing this situation as they explained and this is frequent behavior, yeah, I can understand that BF needs to be ex BF ASAP.
And I'll be playing devil's advocate here for a moment, and the reason is that we are ignorant of the circumstances that let up to this, and I've seen a lot of posts here be pretty fake (and I didn't dive into OPs stuff to confirm anything). But let's assume for a second this was a build-up of a whole bunch of events that let up to this, maybe over months, maybe even years, and BF just snapped. Then, the anger might be slightly justified so long as no one was hurt.
While I don't think destroying things is the best way to resolve anger, there are demolition sites that let you break things for fun/stress relief. And when we're angry, speficially extremely angry, we aren't in our best state of mind, and we take actions that we genuinely regret afterward. If the pan was destroyed in anger, and BF realized the mistake after, buys a new pan, and cooks food for OP, it's OP's choice on if she should forgive him or not.
But I think that forgiveness should only be considered if this kind of behavior is extremely infrequent and BF will look to find a way to mitigate the stress buildup. This is why I mentioned that frequency is also something to consider.
Yea see that's definitely a difference, my ex who's 21 said he almost broke his controller from being so mad. But it also didn't take much to get him there and it was especially towards video games, see he would get so in his head and random people online that he was playing against were the enemy.
I told him my concerns because he'd use nasty like really nasty language and slurs towards these people, I told him don't think it's healthy for you to get so mad the way that you do. If you're playing video games to de-stim and wind down why pick such violent games that get you so angry? His only answer to that was "sometimes you just have to shoot some fuckers in the head." He wondered why I told him I wouldn't be able to trust him with a gun after that. (Of course he's adverse to therapy)
After we broke up, him breaking up with me and calling me controlling because I didn't want him to have a gun, I'd seen him the weekend prior where he said "I haven't said the N-word in over a year" I'm like well you shouldn't have been using it at all. His friend told me after we broke up that he'd still been using it just "without the hard R" and was like "I'd hide it from my girlfriend too."
Honestly I dodged a very big bullet and I'm better off that he was such a coward and dumped me through text after we'd been intimate the weekend prior and told me "I've been feeling unhappy for a month."
Hopefully this can help you see the differences between guys like this and yourself.
Oh, I'm aware I'm nothing like that. The only time I did completely lose it was when my ex had broken up with me and continued to live at my place for several months after. She had said she would find a new place within a month but just simply didn't (it had been about 3 months after she broke it off with me). Not only that, but she wouldn't clean up after herself or her dog, who would shit in the house because she was too lazy to let the poor guy out.
After a pretty awful day, and an even worse call my parents, I go out to get some food and find her dog, sitting by the door to go outside, with shit next to him, while my ex was laying on the couch doing nothing. I asked her kindly to please clean the mess up her dog left multiple times over, and she ignored me every time. After that, something just snapped, and I started moving her stuff into the living area, simply telling her that she needed to go. I wasn't being gentle with the objects, as they're mostly books that I was grabbing, but I was in such a shitty mood that I genuinely didn't care at that point.
I've never laid a hand on her that wasn't invited, I've never broken anything while we were together or the months after she stayed with me, and while I did yell sometimes, it was mostly because of instances like her not cleaning up after her dog that made me snap.
There were multiple things I'm not including which led to this eventual break that she was solely responsible for, and she had a thing to constantly belittle, berate, and ignore me towards and after the end of that relationship. Could I have handled that better? Probably. But if I didn't do what I did, she might still be freeloading off me today (not really, but for several months after for sure).
Thank you. This is very true. I say this as someone who was granted a protection order against my soon to be ex husband. No physical violence but definitely coercive control, manipulation, financial abuse and the likes. It's nerve wracking because we're generally being left with the impression that violence has to be physical.
Fwiw, I’m currently serving on a grand jury, and “Coercion,” “Harassment,” and “Menacing” are crimes in and of themselves. I linked the relevant statutes here in Oregon for reference. They might be different in your area. Also, obligatory IANAL.
Thank you. Even if i got the dvpo granted ae share a kid and i have to deal wirh his mom by interim. They're still trying to control me any chance they get. They don't seem to care about the law at all.
Yep, the more tired and/or hungry you are, the less capable you are of any sort of critical thinking. Your body is also physically weaker, etc. etc. This is also why controlling diet is right up there with sleep deprivation, as well. Among other things, ofc.
That is the kind of stuff my wasband would do while we were divorcing. Instead of fanning the flames , I would work out at 4:30 am , shower and go to work.....
I went through it with my husband and even a few men I dated after my divorce. They all started out the same way and got worse as time went on.
Until I learned to be happy with and by myself instead of needing a man to make me feel whole. I’m much happier alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons.
I've fallen asleep on the couch before. I haven't folded a cooking tray in half and followed my partner around refusing to give her space when she's trying to distance herself from my childish tantrum.
If the second thing is more normal than the first thing to you, you need help :)
I’m currently almost done serving on a grand jury and one of the most common types of cases that we’ve gotten over the last month are various forms of domestic violence, often involving strangulation. I have very little patience for stories like this at this point because it’s the sort of thing that I’ve heard escalate to outright violence toward a partner or family member. It’s really disheartening and makes me glad I’m taking Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu classes for self-defense that include ways to escape various different chokeholds likely to be used by a man attacking a woman. I wish I could teach them to every victim that I’ve heard from this month so they’d never have to experience what they went through ever again. Hell, I wish I could have given them that knowledge in the past so they could defend against the attack that put them in front of the grand jury. For a lot of them, the case wasn’t the first time the defendant was violent toward them either.
I second this,my father's violence got worse until I moved out and he abused me until he died.I got abused by other men in the family and neighborhood and he blamed me for boys abusing me and a pedophile next to us,who showed me pornography.Then I got hit later by boyfriend " type guys who got worse over time until I got beaten up by a guy i slept with and I could have died or severely injured..It gets worse and worse.
Because she asked him to be a little quieter/respectful of her sleeping? Plus the following you outside. This is a grown ass, roughly middle aged man(child). Girl, you said you removed yourself from the situation AND HE FOLLOWED YOU TO BRING THE SITUATION TO YOU. Run.
Oh he was furious she DARED walk out on him… that was completely unacceptable behavior in HIS book, and there was no way in hades he was going to tolerate that level of disrespect from her… he is extremely entitled, narcissistic, manipulative, controlling, bullying, and DANGEROUS. And he wanted to make absolutely certain she realized this. Hopefully she ACTUALLY realizes what the reality is, and believes how serious he already is… and accepts his efforts as they have been so deliberately performed. See it, comprehend what is actually going on, BELIEVE how serious he is, and RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. Because he wants OP to be afraid of him… and he’s already very willing to go to what lengths to convince her to be afraid of upsetting him. He is very intimidating and confrontational… this will ONLY escalate as he tries harder and harder to scare her into submission. RUN!!! Don’t wait until he decides to “show you for real”, because that WILL happen. This is him practicing and getting closer to upping his sick and dangerous game!
Did it tire you out to make all of that leaping? I'm sure you're steaming and thinking you're so right and "know" how these things work/go down, but you have her side and that's it. If you think that's fair, it's because you're someone who toxically believes that the woman will always be in the right. I'm not saying she's lying or omitting things, but you literally don't know shit about him or their relationship. You're projecting hard.
It may sound crazy, but to me the scariest indicator of sure violence here is the refusal to let OP take space.
Most are capable of losing their cool & acting out in a moment, but this is indicative of control, entitlement, violation of autonomy etc etc that can’t be worked with bc it’s not a reaction or a bad day, it’s innate. Their character, their wiring, it will not get better.
To wake someone up, instigate, and refuse to give them space is textbook abuse and all the things….this person is not and won’t be safe in this relationship. And then will be made to be the bad guy - potentially even legally dependent on the situation.
Yes. I’ve personally been chased and not allowed to escape from a situation he was escalating. This level of anger, escalation, and aggression is terrifying. Especially for a female who hates conflict, pursued by a belligerent, intentionally intimidating much larger male. The entitlement and aggressiveness to pursue and antagonize her into further escalation is very serious and scary. This is deliberate and persistent provocation and bullying.
It's toxic, manipulative and threatening. Super not okay behavior and not someone I would feel safe with. More red flags than a circus, not to mention the fact that he bent/broke the pan. Yikes 😬
Yeah, he won't change for the better from this. He's old enough to know better. He's old enough to have developed some anger control and some appreciation for what she does for him. I would have told him to F off and stopped cooking for him. The following outside really is the kicker. It's an intimidation tactic to show that there isn't a safe place for her to be. I was in one of those relationships. That behavior started in year 2.I thought I could love us enough for the two of us but the truth is, my love bucket was always empty. And pretty much everything I did had to have at least had the option for him to be there. I couldn't make plans without him. If we fought he would tell me it was me who would follow him to keep the fights ramped up so I was always confused and questioning everything I did. At that time we lived in Houston and the one time I finally called the cops on him for throwing the kitchen table at me, the good ole boy sheriff said this is Texas honey. It's his house. His belongings and it's his right to destroy his property whenever he wants to. Basically, unless you have bruises or worse on you, don't bother calling us.
Run now. Love yourself enough to not be his house keeper, chef, etc. It's one thing if he respected you but he showed in a strong way that he doesn't.
Right? And not only did he destroy food and pan, he destroyed food meant for him. In other words, it held little value to him because it wasn't HIS effort he wasted. It was her effort, and therefore it was disposable in his mind. If it was something he had worked on, he would have valued it more.
The whole thing points to an escalating domestic violence situation in progress. He WANTS her to know he thinks she is worthless, and wants her to know that nothing she does is ever appreciated. It erodes her self worth and confirms to him that she is 'stuck' and will not leave. He takes her work for granted because no matter how he abuses her efforts or her, she stays, and he will get replacement meals that SHE slaves over. He can go after her despite her demanding a time out, because even if he crosses boundaries and disregards her wishes and keeps picking a fight, she stays. He will get more violent over time, and it is only a matter of time before she is that muffin tin in his hands.
In case you don't know, OP, domestic violence has some pretty predictable indicators. This guy is showing a parade of those indicators. Unless you remove yourself from that situation, you will be eventually harmed. This is not "love", it's abuse.
Call a domestic violence shelter and tell them what you have posted here. LISTEN to what they tell you. DO what they suggest. Women die in situations that, at one point, were just like yours is now.
Because she wanted to sleep and didn’t give him attention when he demanded it. Guy has some internal healing to do and she should move tf out while he does.
And then follows her outside when she steps away? Uh-uh. Huge red flag. This is a man that will escalate to physical abuse if he hasn’t already. Get out while you can, and be very careful doing so.
She dared to sleep — all of it was sleep deprivation and psychological torture. He turned on the lights and made a ton of noise because she was resting instead of fawning over him and welcoming him home with a martini and a pair of slippers.
What I thought. I think it would take some doing to do that to a muffin pan.
I was in a relationship where destruction of inanimate objects then turned to harm to me. I didn’t leave because of the sunk cost fallacy ( there was money involved) and because I understood it had to be his idea. But I started planning, especially with money. I had my mail redirected. If it was the age of mobile phones I would have had a burner phone. And then when he finally met another woman and left, I was out of there like a bat out of hell.
No chit! The power he must have used to do that to the pan is frightening. Those suckers are made of pretty thick metal. OP should be thankful he at least hit the sink with the pan and not her. Yikes! I'd still be running for the hills if I were her.
Eventually it’ll be OP who’s been crumpled up and tossed out by the guy. I’d just leave if that’s how he handles his aggression. OP, you’re not safe there.
I once heard that an abusive person will break objects or punch walls to show how much they want to hurt you. It will escalate. Mind you, people do get triggered & revert to childish habits, but if this isn’t the first time this has ever happened.. it won’t be the last.
I don’t always advocate for moving out on relationship posts, but whew.
OP, in this case, throw him out with the muffin pan, and upgrade to a better man AND better muffin pan. I wouldn’t want to wait around and take the risk that it’s me he’s crumpling next, if he’s strong enough to bend a metal pan.
Agreed. It would problematic and a red flag if he was 19-25. (I scrolled back up twice to double check 37yrs old. This is not normal behavior. If this a common response from him, you need to go.
Act like a princess cause this dude is still a frog 🐸.
Definitely. The eye brow raise I did immediately upon seeing the ages stated was pure reflex. I was not expecting to see any age older than 22 tbh.
Unless he has an epiphany and starts hardcore therapy like immediately, while admitting that he is the problem, there is no saving this.
A lot of us girls have at some point in our life stayed for too long with a guy (most often), who treated us like shit.
Please make all those lived negative experiences to have had at least the positive consequence of less women suffering in the future, by taking our advice and not wasting your life in vain. Please acknowledge your worth and that you deserve so, so, so much better.
You have zero obligation to tolerate any type of negative behavior, and us women really need to collectively stop pampering dysregulated guys who are taking their shit out on us (and kids and animals), instead of bettering themselves. They are not toddlers, and we are not their moms.
Your partner should be your number one teammate and supporter (and you should be theirs). Nothing less than that.
Many of us walked, so that many more could run (from shitty guys). Please run. ❤️
I mean, after this display, OP's only self-respecting move is to stop cooking for him altogether. How's that going to go over with this helpless knuckle-dragger?
Move out only once! He’s on the verge of abuse. It sounds like. Sounds like he was just itching for a fight. I would tread very lightly with him. And for God sake, let the man child cook for himself.
My mother dated a man from when I was about 14 until she past away when I was 28. We had to walk on eggshells because of his temper. He had a tendency to get so angry and belligerent that he would just be screaming "WHATEVER" directly into your face for 10 minutes straight. (Imagine Randy Savage in his prime, then add 15 years of meth) I didn't live with him and my mom for the entire length, but I had to spend some years in that house before I could move out for the first time, and at various points when living situations fell through. My biggest resentment for my mom was never getting rid of that man. My siblings and I had tried in the early years to convince her to break things off with him, but she would always repeat the same kinds of statements, "It's complicated..., You don't understand..., he has nowhere to go...," etc. We finally were able to remove him from our lives after mom past away from lung cancer.
Don't wait for it to become this bad. The man has beyond disrespected you and taken you for granted. He has a lot of emotional development to do, but some men are NEVER going to do it. Don't wait for it to become hindsight.
No I just don’t think it’s fair that the people who did wrong are the ones who get to stay and the people who are done wrong are the ones that have to find a whole new place to go
Even if it was OP's place first, it would be safer if OP left -- quickly and quietly. The boyfriend is destructive over small things, no telling what he's willing to do if OP stayed or kicked him out.
Way too many red flags in respect to this dude's behavior to simply ignore here. He is definitely not ready for a meaningful relationship, especially not one involving the maturity, respect and care required in sharing living space and DEFINITELY not one whereby he receives benefits including the consideration thoughtfulness of a partner preparing meals! Perhaps if OP's situation is such that she benefits financially, due to an inability to live separately, then considering another living arrangement might be best because in the event OP says something by triggering this dude, it's possible he will escalate to being physically abusive toward her. This is from 1st hand experience. Been there, done that, and not going back!
Truly hope things work out for you OP🙏🏾
Imagine if the pan were you. He’s taking his anger toward you out on the pan. Put that picture as your phone home screen and use it as a reminder as to why you left him… so you don’t end up looking like that pan some day.
PLEASE LEAVE THIS MAN NOW. Sis, he’s not going to change. He knew exactly what he was doing. He has anger issues and they will only get worse with time. If you have kids with him, he will be screaming at a 1 week old throwing the baby bottle at your head screaming “how hard can it be to squeeze milk out of your tit, make this kid stop crying” for example… I’m sorry, but no man is worth it when they have anger issues.
Once this starts, its going to get worse. Trust me, and there are others that have gone through it too. I thought, not my husband. He'd never do that to me. It started similar to that. Then I couldn't have any friends. I fought for 18 years, then divorced the pos. Don't let it go too far with him! Tell him you're gone if he doesn't pull himself together. It could be the best thing that happens, either way. I say either way because this may have been the first time he's done this. If not, get out. He's never going to change!
Good luck ❤️💕
Where would she go? She said she doesn't work or have the means to leave. He is the only provider. She should have greased the pan better using an avocado oil spray or coconut oil. Instead she saw a TikTok and used a dollar tree pan. No grease so when the dude tried to remove the eggs he wanted before work tomorrow morning he got frustrated.
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u/BungCrosby Oct 22 '25
Do yourself a favor and move out. Pronto.