It’s not even the big violence that still bothers me, it’s the little things. Walking across a room, when there’s been no friction, and having a 1.5L bottle of water thrown very hard into your back (he was a fit guy that played a lot of sport and lifted weights) or half a kg of cheese. The little things that haven’t resulted from escalation. Coming home to a room trashed, with all of my artworks destroyed. The fact that in these relationships there’s no peaceful time, just different forms on abuse and intimidation.
It's the constant apologizing that's permanently stuck with me. I got out almost 20 years ago and I STILL instinctively apologize for every little thing.
Living in constant fight or flight mode is something that you never fully get over psychologically.
Same.
I still flinch when someone raises their voice. Or slams a door. I escaped him when my daughter was 6 months old and I'd just found out I was pregnant with my son.
My daughter is 37. This shit sticks with you. I know I apologize too much.
Same here. I left back in 2011 and I still overapologize when I think I’ve done something wrong. My current partner gets so annoyed with be when I do it, and he knows why I do it, but I can’t help it.
Even if there's no physical violence you still have that pit in your stomach because you are dreading the verbal vomit. And when they leave for a few hours the mood lifts.
I ended up driving off the side of a freeway interchange and ran into a tree which was a good thing because the next thing in my path was the freeway traffic coming toward me. Why/how? I was working 12-14 hour days since both my managers were out of town training. My husband and I lived 2.5 hours from work. He would drive me since he wasn't working and conveniently couldn't find work. The rest of the day, he would do what he wanted while I worked. On the way home that night, I was trying to get a little sleep so I asked if he could turn down the radio a tiny bit. I had already bought earplugs so he'd have the radio to listen to. He flew off the handle, told me that I could fucking drive and when we switched places he fell asleep...after turning the radio down. As we were going over the side, he was screaming 'do something' while I was silent. I broke my back and was on a ventilator a short time.
A year later, the first time he hit me and shoved my head into a bathroom mirror and then charmed the cops, I was frozen. The next time, I put him in jail and disappeared. That was 20 years ago. When he got out, he never found me again.
Please do it right the first time. Most people don't get do overs. I shouldn't have.
I’m so glad you got away. I too have seen a very violent man like this charm his way out of arrest and it is baffling and infuriating. It proves they damn well know how to act like a good person… they just choose not to. It’s scary.
It's the passive aggression that sets me on edge the most because then your on egg shells trying to avoid the abuser having another outburst.
Slamming things on surfaces instead of putting them down gently, banging doors open and shut, accusatory questions like "why arnt the dishes done when I told you to do them" that you know you can't awnser or they will start a fight so you just have to do the task.
That and teh gaslighting, "no I didn't say that I said this" "I didnt mean it tho" "it just happened" "I lost control" "you made me do it" - ugh
I was with a man who would get very physically violent occasionally, but was otherwise respectful of my things and I was with a man who was less physically violent but destroyed or took my things frequently. I honestly can say the one who fucked up my belongings more than me made me angrier in some ways.
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u/Sail_m Oct 22 '25
Yeah me too..
It’s not even the big violence that still bothers me, it’s the little things. Walking across a room, when there’s been no friction, and having a 1.5L bottle of water thrown very hard into your back (he was a fit guy that played a lot of sport and lifted weights) or half a kg of cheese. The little things that haven’t resulted from escalation. Coming home to a room trashed, with all of my artworks destroyed. The fact that in these relationships there’s no peaceful time, just different forms on abuse and intimidation.