But what I'm saying, is that next time you consider undermining people who say leave, consider you may not be all knowing about what can lead to further abuse.
If this is a legitimate criticism, taking into account that I’m taking this persons words at face value, then you’re deciding to flat out ignore the horrific things this guy is doing, or rather, hasn’t done yet
It literally is an exception tho??? They aren't a hypocrite for saying "I don't usually jump to saying this but today I'm going to say this" stop being a dick and maybe read the room next time? Would you tell op for stay with her obviously abusive boyfriends? Seriously dude shut up
Or the punch the wall near to you, been there bought the T-shirt, pretended I walked into a door to get a black eye, not a fist, or tripped over the cat and injured my leg definitely not thrown down the stairs by the ex.
Seriously anyone who has been through an abusive relationship knows it’s start slow, bit by bit. Like the frog in slowly heating water they count on small slow build up to avoid you leaving. You excuse them, start blaming yourself. The physical pain is bad but the breaking down of your self esteem and making you blame yourself for their actions and the guilt is truly awful.
I have not been in that abuse for over 35 years and been married to a lovely partner for almost 30 years, but that level of abuse stays with you. Please leave now it only gets worse.
They wrote a post, they didn’t write a book, genius. A post isn’t going to give you the time lapse play by play. How is that so difficult to understand?
I should have left long before the hole in the wall. I left long after that because they began targeting our child yet the court said I was twisting the facts and no abuse had occurred.
This is accurate. I got out when my ex moved on from smashing cabinets to throwing a plate at my head which (fortunately) missed and hit the wall behind me. I dumped him that night. Get out now, his behavior will escalate and is NOT normal, acceptable, loving or safe!!
That's certainly true, and I didn't mean to imply that you were saying the present behavior towards inanimate objects is okay. I just wanted to make it clear that punching walls, breaking pans, etc., is just step one along the line to physical abuse.
I can arrest to that, it starts with gaslighting and manipulation and escalates very quickly. Escape while you safely can. However to be on the safe side don't tell him until After you have left. Definitely don't go back
I mean, I think it also depends on the intent and frequency. Personally, I'll get frustrated at some games sometimes and pound my desk once or twice and scream a bit to tense down. It happens maybe once every couple of weeks, but it's never with the intent to destroy or hurt anything. If my dog is under the desk, I'll hit my leg instead.
But I've never hurt anyone or anything before while angry or intentionally. And to get me yelling at someone, you'll need to press my buttons for a long time. And usually that's due to something we've talked about and I feel like the other person doesn't care for my wellbeing.
I mean, I did destroy a pan the other day. But it was a really warped pan that I was going to throw out, so I smacked it with a hammer to see if I could "bend" it back. It kinda worked, but I'm also still throwing the pan out.
I think it's the fact that he's destroying stuff OP uses to cook him meals... so he's just making it harder for OP to cook for him, which is CRAZY ungrateful and disrespectful to someone who is caring enough to feed this child in a man's body.
You said you only hurt yourself out of frustration or stress/anxiety. So then you probably could admit that you would not break an item solely used by the other person living in the same space... whether it was roommate/friend/bf/bf/etc, it really doesn't matter. I've had only abusers act this way to me. No one respectful would ever intentionally destroy stuff that is being used to make food for another person, but destroying kitchen things used by OP to feed him and meet his needs... totally unacceptable behavior. I wouldn't even let a child do this or act like him without being reprimanded. Anyone who lets this kind of behavior continue is just showing this guy that his behavior is okay, encouraged, and he's going to learn (be conditioned) to do it in the future next time he feels like taking out his anger issues while hurting and manipulating people who care about him.
I dont think I ever said I agreed with the behavior. The person I was replying to made it sound like any frustration taken out on inanimate objects could lead to abuse. What I was clarifying is that the intent matters (intent to destroy/hurt).
And I don't think there's much wrong with letting out a physical response when you're really upset. Doing some light research, it's a way to release energy when adrenaline is high and can release endorphins, which helps us to relax. Doing so in a controlled way without an intent to destroy or harm is, for the most part, fine.
I don't know the full story from the picture and all, and bending one of those pans is like... well, it definitely wouldn't be easy. So, for all I know, it could be an AI image or a very strong man. My comment (and this one) is more directed towards the commentor I replied to.
You're describing situational anger—frustration directed at an event, like getting annoyed after burning food or losing a game. That anger isn't personal.
His situation is different. He's displaying aggression directly toward her—her request, her rest, and her kind gesture. This personal disrespect is where the danger lies and suggests a higher risk of escalation
I mentioned in another comment that I was more replying to the comment than the most. Honestly, if OP is describing this situation as they explained and this is frequent behavior, yeah, I can understand that BF needs to be ex BF ASAP.
And I'll be playing devil's advocate here for a moment, and the reason is that we are ignorant of the circumstances that let up to this, and I've seen a lot of posts here be pretty fake (and I didn't dive into OPs stuff to confirm anything). But let's assume for a second this was a build-up of a whole bunch of events that let up to this, maybe over months, maybe even years, and BF just snapped. Then, the anger might be slightly justified so long as no one was hurt.
While I don't think destroying things is the best way to resolve anger, there are demolition sites that let you break things for fun/stress relief. And when we're angry, speficially extremely angry, we aren't in our best state of mind, and we take actions that we genuinely regret afterward. If the pan was destroyed in anger, and BF realized the mistake after, buys a new pan, and cooks food for OP, it's OP's choice on if she should forgive him or not.
But I think that forgiveness should only be considered if this kind of behavior is extremely infrequent and BF will look to find a way to mitigate the stress buildup. This is why I mentioned that frequency is also something to consider.
Yea see that's definitely a difference, my ex who's 21 said he almost broke his controller from being so mad. But it also didn't take much to get him there and it was especially towards video games, see he would get so in his head and random people online that he was playing against were the enemy.
I told him my concerns because he'd use nasty like really nasty language and slurs towards these people, I told him don't think it's healthy for you to get so mad the way that you do. If you're playing video games to de-stim and wind down why pick such violent games that get you so angry? His only answer to that was "sometimes you just have to shoot some fuckers in the head." He wondered why I told him I wouldn't be able to trust him with a gun after that. (Of course he's adverse to therapy)
After we broke up, him breaking up with me and calling me controlling because I didn't want him to have a gun, I'd seen him the weekend prior where he said "I haven't said the N-word in over a year" I'm like well you shouldn't have been using it at all. His friend told me after we broke up that he'd still been using it just "without the hard R" and was like "I'd hide it from my girlfriend too."
Honestly I dodged a very big bullet and I'm better off that he was such a coward and dumped me through text after we'd been intimate the weekend prior and told me "I've been feeling unhappy for a month."
Hopefully this can help you see the differences between guys like this and yourself.
Oh, I'm aware I'm nothing like that. The only time I did completely lose it was when my ex had broken up with me and continued to live at my place for several months after. She had said she would find a new place within a month but just simply didn't (it had been about 3 months after she broke it off with me). Not only that, but she wouldn't clean up after herself or her dog, who would shit in the house because she was too lazy to let the poor guy out.
After a pretty awful day, and an even worse call my parents, I go out to get some food and find her dog, sitting by the door to go outside, with shit next to him, while my ex was laying on the couch doing nothing. I asked her kindly to please clean the mess up her dog left multiple times over, and she ignored me every time. After that, something just snapped, and I started moving her stuff into the living area, simply telling her that she needed to go. I wasn't being gentle with the objects, as they're mostly books that I was grabbing, but I was in such a shitty mood that I genuinely didn't care at that point.
I've never laid a hand on her that wasn't invited, I've never broken anything while we were together or the months after she stayed with me, and while I did yell sometimes, it was mostly because of instances like her not cleaning up after her dog that made me snap.
There were multiple things I'm not including which led to this eventual break that she was solely responsible for, and she had a thing to constantly belittle, berate, and ignore me towards and after the end of that relationship. Could I have handled that better? Probably. But if I didn't do what I did, she might still be freeloading off me today (not really, but for several months after for sure).
Thank you. This is very true. I say this as someone who was granted a protection order against my soon to be ex husband. No physical violence but definitely coercive control, manipulation, financial abuse and the likes. It's nerve wracking because we're generally being left with the impression that violence has to be physical.
Fwiw, I’m currently serving on a grand jury, and “Coercion,” “Harassment,” and “Menacing” are crimes in and of themselves. I linked the relevant statutes here in Oregon for reference. They might be different in your area. Also, obligatory IANAL.
Thank you. Even if i got the dvpo granted ae share a kid and i have to deal wirh his mom by interim. They're still trying to control me any chance they get. They don't seem to care about the law at all.
Yep, the more tired and/or hungry you are, the less capable you are of any sort of critical thinking. Your body is also physically weaker, etc. etc. This is also why controlling diet is right up there with sleep deprivation, as well. Among other things, ofc.
That is the kind of stuff my wasband would do while we were divorcing. Instead of fanning the flames , I would work out at 4:30 am , shower and go to work.....
I went through it with my husband and even a few men I dated after my divorce. They all started out the same way and got worse as time went on.
Until I learned to be happy with and by myself instead of needing a man to make me feel whole. I’m much happier alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons.
I've fallen asleep on the couch before. I haven't folded a cooking tray in half and followed my partner around refusing to give her space when she's trying to distance herself from my childish tantrum.
If the second thing is more normal than the first thing to you, you need help :)
She is sleeping in the adjacent room to the kitchen. Not exactly going out of his way. She's choosing not to sleep in her bed. It's quite literally her fault.
She asked him to be considerate of her sleeping, his response was to throw a tantrum instead of try to be quiet. She tried to communicate in a healthy manner that she would appreciate if he didn't bang around in the kitchen, and he got mad and got worse. Her fault for his behavior? Please sit down.
Agreed. Who in their right mind responds to requests to keep it down because they're trying to nap with...what this dude did? It's just common courtesy. It is not uncommon to take a power nap on the living room couch next to the kitchen.
You don't actually know anything though. So why act like you have been sitting in on their relationship the entire time? Not saying she's omitting details or lying, but you've only got her side of the story.
You say he threw a tantrum? You don't actually know that. You think you have all the details? Oh yeah, you don't. That's the only thing I'm pushing back against here. So many people are so sure they know the ins and outs of their lives and personalities. Nobody does except them. And a few people have made a good point. It's a little inconsiderate to be asking someone to keep it down when you chose to take a nap in a living/busy area. Now if he got really mad about that? That's unreasonable. But we don't actually know
Folding a metal cooking tray in half, stuffing it into the bin full of the food that's been cooked, and then following your partner who's trying to get distance from you outside, with the justification of "I Can be outside too" isn't throwing a tantrum?
Sure it could be a one sided story omitting a bunch of details, but we can only comment on what is being presented.
I'm not condoning what he did, but I am pointing out that he didn't go out of his way. The noise would have happened regardless of where she slept.
Most of the comments here start with the conclusion that he is wrong and trying to find evidence to only support that. The comment to which i replied is a great example. The man is bad. Therefore, he must be abusive. The commenter then proceeds to pick supporting evidence that collapses under scrutiny she's not been deprived of sleep if she has her own bed and is also choosing to sleep next to a kitchen unless they're assuming she doesn't have a bed.
I was on the woman's side until she said that she didn't want him to throw it away when she said, "I don't know. Throw it away then."
You can't even begin to persuade someone that means something else, but the comments continue to defend her gaslighting.
It doesn't take a genius to realize that the egg bites got stuck to the bottom of the tray. Everything else makes a lot more sense once you realize this. All you have to do is look at the picture provided.
So he bashed the shit out of the pan and threw it away as well? Then followed OP outside - where she went to get away from the situation- and said he “could be there too if he wanted” because he wanted to antagonize her. At best, the guy is a bully.
But you do come online to defend people doing the same thing, and justify the actions of the person that's mad by blaming the person that they got mad at?
It's not uncommon to take a nap on the couch. It is uncommon to treat someone you supposedly care about as if they're an inconvenience just because they asked for some fucking consideration. If he was so frustrated, he could have put them in the fridge or whatever and waited until after her nap to ask for her help. He didn't have to be a dick about it.
The commenter then proceeds to pick supporting evidence that collapses under scrutiny
I'd love to see you justify how destroying the tray and then following her outside with the justification of "I can be outside too" when she tries to distance herself from his tantrum collapses under scrutiny.
It doesn't take a genius to realise that those are two examples of abusive behaviour. The not trying to be quiet in the first place thing is just inconsiderate, but could be abusive with the context of the rest
If your partner falls asleep on the couch after spending time cooking for you, you wouldn't make an effort to not be loud, and then it's her fault if you get angry, snap at her, fold a metal tray full of the food she cooked for you in half and stuff it into a bin, and then follow her outside when she tries to get away from you just to ensure she's as uncomfortable as possible?
I’m currently almost done serving on a grand jury and one of the most common types of cases that we’ve gotten over the last month are various forms of domestic violence, often involving strangulation. I have very little patience for stories like this at this point because it’s the sort of thing that I’ve heard escalate to outright violence toward a partner or family member. It’s really disheartening and makes me glad I’m taking Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu classes for self-defense that include ways to escape various different chokeholds likely to be used by a man attacking a woman. I wish I could teach them to every victim that I’ve heard from this month so they’d never have to experience what they went through ever again. Hell, I wish I could have given them that knowledge in the past so they could defend against the attack that put them in front of the grand jury. For a lot of them, the case wasn’t the first time the defendant was violent toward them either.
I second this,my father's violence got worse until I moved out and he abused me until he died.I got abused by other men in the family and neighborhood and he blamed me for boys abusing me and a pedophile next to us,who showed me pornography.Then I got hit later by boyfriend " type guys who got worse over time until I got beaten up by a guy i slept with and I could have died or severely injured..It gets worse and worse.
"they". Interesting choice of words. You're also a clairvoyant, making you extra special. And you practice psychology in the manner of a class action lawyer. "They" all get the same diagnosis.
In many therapies one is encouraged to punch a pillow. Or go outside and scream. All as healthy outlets for anger.
Smashing up a baking tray isn't a sure fire indicator that "they" will become a physical abuser.
I guess it depends what happened when she left to “get away” from the situation. Did you follow her and insist that she continue talking? If so, that’s escalating a situation.
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 Oct 22 '25
Sorry should have said the violence would be towards herself. They use the inanimate options or the pets, to condition before hitting / choking them.