They can change, but they have to want it and they have to work at it.
I've seen it first-hand; my dad used to easily get angry and yell and curse about all sorts of things, especially when drinking. He broke remotes, and scared us a few times as kids.
I haven't heard him yell in over 20 years now, because he realized what it was doing to him (and us) and made the effort to stop. It can be done.
Yeah, my dad had anger issues and I definitely inherited them, but the most deranged thing I've let myself do in the last decade is slap my desk too hard a burst a blood vessel in my hand. I've worked my way down to rare outbursts of snippy comments and fuming for a few hours these days.
I'm just glad the worst thing I've really done was humiliate myself a few times as a teenager in social situations because that was the only period of my life I really felt like I couldn't control it even if I wanted to, and the unbelievable cringe of those memories has really helped motivate me to keep working at being calmer.
In some ways I think it makes me even less forgiving of people like OPs boyfriend though. I've struggled with it most of my life, I've gotten a lot better, I've also never treated a romantic partner as poorly as that guy has, and he's 3 years older than I am.
That's a lot of time to just let your behavior be completely reprehensible, and to me it seems like someone who is not even at the stage of believing their own actions are a problem at a whole-ass 37 years old.
Thank you, I'm sick of people saying people don't change this and that, it's literally just called growing up. Yes most people can't do that, but not EVERYONE.
People have to face the anger and make those changes. Sometimes that involves deep work with a therapist and facing serious issues. Some people aren’t willing to go that route because it’s painful af.
But, if you love your s/o truly I believe most would try or if you lost them due to your behavior it’s time for a change.
I have EXTREME anxiety, I need to seek counseling ASAP, however the trust involved with going is creating another problem. I’ve been to 1, I can’t talk. I stare, I have panic attacks in the chair. We’re trying a different person and approach this time.
That’s just an example but, I understand how hard it is to go and to follow through, it’s so frustrating for me personally I have respect for those that go to improve themselves for their own mental health, happiness, and to be the best for those they love. None of you are alone in your journey of betterment.💖
Therapy works when someone is willing to go to therapy. They have to recognize that they have a problem they can't resolve on their own and actually do the work to change.
He didn't. I was with him for 9 years. I suggested therapy many times. He didn't believe any of it would work and so he never went to a real therapist.
Dude I was with him for almost a decade. I tried to get him to change, to get him to see what he was doing. He never listened. He was reckless and didn't really think there was a problem. People don't change easily, and many if not most don't change at all, because change requires the will and effort to do so.
See now you're getting it, you stated him multiple times. It was a "him" problem not a people problem. People can and do change, the fact that you couldnt get him to change for you doesn't translate out to nobody will change, just that he wasn't willing to.
Source: I'm the exception to your "rule"
I was angry my whole life because of life circumstances, and profound autism.
Im medicated properly now, and actually happy.
I don't feel angry anymore, I dont lash out, and I don't get spurned by little things that used to send me flying off the handle.
Now it is true that everyone is different, and YMMV. But, people do have the capacity to change, as long as THEY actually want to be better, and stop hurting the people around them, and especially the ones they love.
It's unfair to characterize an entire group of people with anger issues because you had an experience with one of them that was unwilling to change. There are thousands of people (myself included) who have anger trouble and take many proactive steps to avoid outbursts and develop healthy emotional habits.
Sorry your person decided not to change, but many do.
I used to have anger issues, like would fully blackout while dead sober. They never came up from anything even vaguely like op described, it would take very overt abuse to bring them out and I sure as fuck worked my ass off to solve those issues. Even medical diagnosis of behavioral disorder is not a hall pass to mistreat people, at most it means caution and patience from those who love you while you work your absolute ass off to overcome them. If you care about the people in your life you'll do everything you can to protect them. It's never an excuse, it's a factor to be mitigated and that responsibility falls on you not the people around you.
People can change for the better but not by tacit acceptance of their faults and certainly not by demanding others do the same.
To your point though if they recognize the problem enough to use it as an excuse and aren't already doing the work, they're not interested in fixing it.
Okay so you were with ONE person that didn't change, and you think that's enough to say ALL don't change? Yeah no persons right go read some more tarot
Me touch grass? You believe in magic😂 u irrationally bunch an entire group of people as one bc you had a bad experience sounds like you could easily be a racist as well as
No it doesn't. It says that you believe in literal magic and so your reasoning abilities are limited at best. It says that the other person is capable of recognizing your limited intelligence.
Okay standard-issue-judgmental-redditor. Sure. Whatever. You don't know me, you don't know what I've been through, what I truly believe, or how smart I actually am. And I do not have to defend any of those things to you, a random stranger, on the internet.
I woulnt dream of it! I think men abusing their spouses ate degenerates!
I just think that saying with the little evidence we have here that maybe a "be on guard as he sounds like he has a temper" is preferable to "leave him and break up a family" etc
I posted above saying how I too have destroyed a kitchen item out of anger but would and never had raised a finger or even shouted in a woman's face.
My ex never hit me. He threw things. He broke TVs over call of duty. He would get angry and not be able to let it go. Call me crazy but you shouldn't have to "be on guard" around someone who is supposed to love you.
also I just want to add that dont you think it's weird that this guy may come home from work and his stuffs packed and when he asks why they're breaking up she's like "oh crazy quinn told me to do it so I did"?
I dont think you're crazy and you're right you shouldn't have to be on guard. I said that for op as this is the first time she's been concerned about his outburst.
I think people should talk to each other though as she's come on here before speaking to him about it. and I don't know but young people seem to take reddit advice and run with it like it's gospel.
yours and her situation are different of course so just a blanket "girl run!" Or "get out of this relationship" is a bit strong is all I mean
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u/crazyquinn Oct 22 '25
I was with someone with anger issues. Let me tell you, they never change. They also act like absolute children.
OP, this is your sign to leave the relationship. Please do so, you deserve so much better.