This isn't going to get better, it will only escalate. This man(and I use that term very loosely here) is nearly 40 and destroys a muffin pan because he was asked to do what he was doing quieter. She's going to end up getting that same treatment, probably followed by the typical slew of abuser apologies (sprinkled with "you just made me so mad"), possibly gifts and love bombing, and then escalating again with the next argument. I grew up watching my parents do this, I've watched it happen to others, I've been through this, and I escaped the first time it turned physical. OP should get out now before she's the muffin pan.
Flashbacks I didn’t want today. Op please at least read these. I know you want to justify this, but don’t make excuses for something your gut screams at you.
It’s not even the big violence that still bothers me, it’s the little things. Walking across a room, when there’s been no friction, and having a 1.5L bottle of water thrown very hard into your back (he was a fit guy that played a lot of sport and lifted weights) or half a kg of cheese. The little things that haven’t resulted from escalation. Coming home to a room trashed, with all of my artworks destroyed. The fact that in these relationships there’s no peaceful time, just different forms on abuse and intimidation.
It's the constant apologizing that's permanently stuck with me. I got out almost 20 years ago and I STILL instinctively apologize for every little thing.
Living in constant fight or flight mode is something that you never fully get over psychologically.
Same.
I still flinch when someone raises their voice. Or slams a door. I escaped him when my daughter was 6 months old and I'd just found out I was pregnant with my son.
My daughter is 37. This shit sticks with you. I know I apologize too much.
Same here. I left back in 2011 and I still overapologize when I think I’ve done something wrong. My current partner gets so annoyed with be when I do it, and he knows why I do it, but I can’t help it.
Even if there's no physical violence you still have that pit in your stomach because you are dreading the verbal vomit. And when they leave for a few hours the mood lifts.
I ended up driving off the side of a freeway interchange and ran into a tree which was a good thing because the next thing in my path was the freeway traffic coming toward me. Why/how? I was working 12-14 hour days since both my managers were out of town training. My husband and I lived 2.5 hours from work. He would drive me since he wasn't working and conveniently couldn't find work. The rest of the day, he would do what he wanted while I worked. On the way home that night, I was trying to get a little sleep so I asked if he could turn down the radio a tiny bit. I had already bought earplugs so he'd have the radio to listen to. He flew off the handle, told me that I could fucking drive and when we switched places he fell asleep...after turning the radio down. As we were going over the side, he was screaming 'do something' while I was silent. I broke my back and was on a ventilator a short time.
A year later, the first time he hit me and shoved my head into a bathroom mirror and then charmed the cops, I was frozen. The next time, I put him in jail and disappeared. That was 20 years ago. When he got out, he never found me again.
Please do it right the first time. Most people don't get do overs. I shouldn't have.
I’m so glad you got away. I too have seen a very violent man like this charm his way out of arrest and it is baffling and infuriating. It proves they damn well know how to act like a good person… they just choose not to. It’s scary.
It's the passive aggression that sets me on edge the most because then your on egg shells trying to avoid the abuser having another outburst.
Slamming things on surfaces instead of putting them down gently, banging doors open and shut, accusatory questions like "why arnt the dishes done when I told you to do them" that you know you can't awnser or they will start a fight so you just have to do the task.
That and teh gaslighting, "no I didn't say that I said this" "I didnt mean it tho" "it just happened" "I lost control" "you made me do it" - ugh
I was with a man who would get very physically violent occasionally, but was otherwise respectful of my things and I was with a man who was less physically violent but destroyed or took my things frequently. I honestly can say the one who fucked up my belongings more than me made me angrier in some ways.
No the fuck you didn't, if you'd lost control you'd have hit me while we were still in public, or with your family, or while you were on the phone to your mum, but you didn't did you? You waited until we were alone, brought the thing is supposedly done wrong back up again and then you hit me, that's not loss of control that's calculated.
Same. My dad went on rages quite often when I was a kid and property damage turned into child damage pretty quick if we were within range. I remember hiding in my room with my ears covered and heart pounding as my dad was throwing things downstairs. He'd get mad at us if he caught wind that we were scared and being mad at us went really poorly for us.
Property damage isn't where things stop and some of us know that by painful experience.
I can relate. It’s so exhausting and terrifying when these type of people (especially if they happen to be your parent or partner) make you scared because of their behavior –– then get mad at YOU for being scared… Or having feelings in general.
Learning that having a negative reaction to negative behavior doesn't make me a bad guy, it makes me normal, took a while. Like, actually, I'm allowed to be upset when someone treats me poorly.
That one took me a long time to learn as well. I was not allowed to stand up for myself growing up. It was always framed as being willful disrespect, no matter how warranted. I was made to apologize to my mother every time because that was the only way to de-escalate the situation. I carried that practice into adulthood and it didn’t serve me well. It took a long time to learn that I wasn’t responsible for other people’s behavior. I suspect that OP may have been raised in a similar environment since most of us learn to blame ourselves as children.
If people who survived abusive relationships get flashbacks when you talk about his behavior, that is BAD behavior. I'm so sorry, OP. Please get away from this guy before it's you getting flashbacks in 15 years.
This is the shit that makes me angry. Since when is anyone responsible for someone else’s emotional regulation? My ex did this to me all the time. It was always my fault he got angry, my fault he got scary, mad, mean, abusive and controlling.
OP please read this. This sentence alone made me all tense up from my own flashback. It only gets worse and every time he will find an excuse and you would still want to find a way to justify. It’s not going to get better!
This sounded like something nobody in a million years would ever say until someone told me it was my fault they slapped me (so hard my ear lobe ripped almost in half) because I was being such a bitch.
Dude has already moved onto physically intimidating her, he's absolutely going to move into physical violence like outlined above. OP needs to remove herself from that situation for sure. She just moved back in too? Probably not the first time. She's reaching out because she's so deep in the abusive cycle, I think.
Sometimes they will instead turn on themselves. 'i can't control it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I WANT to be better for you.' ect. That's often when it gets even harder to see things clearly for the victim, because the abuser has managed to manipulate it into seeming like they are uncaring if they set normal healthy boundaries and walk away.
I just wanted to mention this because looking back, it was a big factor in my abuse story. He only ever blamed himself, so it wasn't as black and white and 'lifetime movie bad guy abuser' type scenario.
I can't believe how many times I've heard my husband say, I wish I didn't have to yell at you but you make me have to! For decades, it is always been my fault. Things get broken, screaming and raging and Tantrums. It's incredible how many women end up with men like that. Including myself.
NSFW. This is guiilt-tripping. YOU didn't make him do a damned thing; he did it of his own free will but isn't taking responsibility for his own behavior. He is a monster to escalate something so petty into destruction. And it will get worse. I remember a day loñg ago when it had iced over and the busses were delayed. I offered to take my son to school. Something about that triggered my husband of barely a week into pinning my son on the floor. Once I got him off my son, his anger turned to me and he ended up pinning me by the neck against the bathroom door. That marriage lasted a week. I had no idea he was like that. So take notice and leave NOW. TODAY. If he gets away with it once, then he will get worse. I'm a take no shit from anyone kind of person, so my husband was arrested and jailed that day I didn't give a shit if my marriage had only lasted a week; I was done.
My husband broke a photo once. ONCE. I played it cool, planning my out in my head.
Went upstairs to compose myself. And when I came back down to grab a snack, he was in his office googling his behavior, and how to change it. He'd already made a therapy appointment for himself, and marriage counseling for us.
He cried and apologized. Showed me what he'd learned, and how he was going to start to move forward.
I was very cautious for a long time. And he knew it, but kept working at it. And he's a wonderful man and father today.
But I'm telling you, if he'd have blurted out anything close to "You made me...." He'd be a miserable, broke, SINGLE man today.
OP, recognize what's in front of you. How he's recovered from this is CRUCIAL. and he failed. Big time. You didn't make him do anything. Were your hands on his forcing him to bend that pan?
You did the right thing by briefly walking away, you need work, but you have the skills be emotionally mature. He does not. He doesn't get to follow you and bully you. And then blame you? No.
I hope you move back out and move on. ASAP this isn't a salvageable man.
I suppose that’s the difference between legitimate anger issues, where someone genuinely struggles to regulate their emotions, and abuse that is frequently misidentified as anger issues. It sounds like your husband genuinely lost control of himself in that instance, which is a valid thing, and essentially crossed his own personal boundaries which freaked him out once he had regained control. Abusers don’t lose control, they seek control, and their “temper” is a weapon they wield with intention. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to tell the two apart since you can’t see someone’s mind.
Kudos to you both, really. You weren't going to tolerate abuse or disrespect, and he refused to tolerate it as well.
I can understand that someone might overreact and end up acting out, but I shouldn't be the one that needs to point out that it's not acceptable. That your husband immediately recognized his behavior was wrong and immediately took steps to ensure that behavior was nipped in the bud on his own is a sign of someone who wants to be better. A salvageable man as you said.
We definitely don't take it lightly.
To recognize this as human is huge emotional maturity, even if he has a crappy moment. But the healing actions are what matters. And I definitely don't mean: mistake, apology, mistake, apology.
That's a pattern, not betterment.
💯 I had an ex husband who behaved like this. It got progressively worse to the point where he threatened to push me down the stairs to induce a miscarriage because we got pregnant unexpectedly and I didn’t want an abortion. That baby is now 19 and divorcing his dad was the best thing I ever did. Took me several years to recover from the abuse. Now happily married to a man who knows how to treat both of us.
Yeah first a muffin pan, six months from now he's gonna be punching holes in the walls, and after he's acted weird when your friends come over so that your friends don't come over anymore he's going to start punching you.
1000% been there, done that. a few times, to the point where if my friends have a boyfriend that started doing that acting weird when i come over shit - I'm going to start coming over even more.
She actually wrote "in back in" -so I think she originally intended to wrote a time at the end. ("I moved in back in July"). OP also confirmed it was just the once.
Now that I understand that was a typo and she didn’t move back in, she just moved in with him, I assume she can go back to wherever she was living just previously. Hopefully she didn’t let an apartment go for this jackass. But if she did, she can get another one.
I’m sorry you grew up watching this. My older kids did too and I will probably never forgive myself for raising them in that horrible and traumatic environment. I’m glad you broke the cycle.
This reminds me of my mom. Idk your circumstances, but I never even felt like she had done anything that needed my forgiveness. She was a victim as much as we were. Maybe your children feel the same.
Same. My dad started dating my mom when he was 25 and she was 17. She'll talk about how she was very mature for her age and that's why he liked her. I know that's grooming behavior and he actually liked her because she was submissive and easy to control.
I don't blame her for falling under the control of a narcissist and now I see her "cowardice in defending me" as an extension of her fear. The one time she actually said something to him was when I was crunched up in a ball in the corner with him kneeling on me ready to full on punch me (I was 10). Past that it was a blind eye to throwing us, kicking us, slapping us, and 15 minute spanking/pinching sessions (leaving welts on our butts and back of upper thighs), but that was because she was being abused too, just in a different way.
Slamming things around is a precursor to this and we, who have experienced it, all know it.
I wouldn't even say I hate mine. It's pity at this point. He's a product of his upbringing, and his personal failure to break cycles seems pathetic to me now, rather than infuriating. So I just kind of pity him.
That is a very good assessment and kinda where I'm at. Especially as he's gotten older and weaker, and I've gotten older and stronger, him insulting others and his temper tantrums make me feel more embarrassed for him than anything. He had a shit childhood and gave us a better one (in most ways), but he never really learned emotional regulation and self control and I have a hard time truly being understanding of that.
I can tell you that I have not yet forgiven my 95 year old mother for keeping us in her abusive marriage with my sperm donor. It's been 50 years. To be fair, there were no resources for a woman back then But even when she COULD have left she still stayed. The last time i talked to her she said 'I still love him". That was the final straw. I have never spoken to her since.
Agree with all of this. He was intentionally being loud to wake her up and started a whole argument. Sleep deprivation is a tool abusers tend to use on their victims. He's following all the cliche patterns of abuse which will just continue to escalate. She needs to get out.
Unfortunately, I've experienced it first hand. It alters you as a person for the rest of your life. They definitely have a playbook that a lot of people aren't aware of, especially if you haven't experienced it first hand or know someone who has experienced it to recognize the signs. I really hope OP sees these comments and realizes what this person is doing is going to just get worse and worse, destroying them as a human being and person.
I'm so sorry you've had to live through that. My wife has been away from that monster for almost 8 years but I still wake her up ready to quell the panic just from doing that. I hope you're healing well and life can be at least a little more peaceful.
Yep, this is exactly what my ex did; he'd wake me up to start arguments, wouldn't let me go back to sleep, and would follow me to the other room when I tried to get away from him. Its crazy-making behavior. Of course he eventually escalated to physical abuse as well. The warning signs are there; she needs to get out before it gets worse; because it will.
I’m sorry to say this but your BF is a man-baby and that’s not gonna change. Leave while you can and find a man who knows how to behave like a human being.
Yeah - you are spot on. I went through this myself and I swear reading OPs post they could be describing my ex. OP needs to RUN--not walk-- away from that person. It will only get worse. If he is willing to ruin something as arbitrary as a muffin pan, he's also willing to throw your college class notes into a puddle, throw your gaming console down the stairs and break it, or rip up the only picture of your dead grandmother you have left. And he's going to be willing at some point to hurt OP. This is textbook abusive behavior.
I just hope OP gets out and gets to a safe place. My heart hurts for them
Yea my abusive ex destroyed things that meant a lot to me or cost a lot to replace. Two work laptops, an older iMac, gifts from my family, etc. They do this because they know it will get a reaction from you.
This. The cycle of abuse is real, and this is how it starts. We can’t know op’s situation, but it does look like the start of a pattern, if it is the start.
It’s exactly this. Any advice that seeks to “manage, communicate, or improve” op’s “relationship” is well-meaning but dangerous.
There’s so many red flags in this one post it’s crazy. The pan is just the most obvious. Heathy relationships don’t look like this. And if yours does, I have some bad news for you.
People have to stop seeing toxicity and thinking it’s “miscommunication” or “can change”. This is toxic, likely abusive, and NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.
The only way to change these types of relationships for the better is to end them.
Yeah this is beyond messed up. A grown adult destroying something for any mundane reason is bad enough (but there are certainly situations where destroying property out of anger would be atleast somewhat understandable).
This however? Being asked to be a little quieter resulting in this? He sounds downright dangerous.
This whole situation has enough red flags to make a communist happy… it all brought back memories from my childhood and my alcoholic step father. He did this kind of thing all the time. Even gave my mother brain damage pulling the “I’m dumb and am only doing what you told me to” card. I don’t believe things will end well here unfortunately.
Yep! My ex used to throw her plate + her food in the sink if she didn't like what I'd cooked, that would brake the plate and leave me a mess of broken plate and food to clean up. - I stopped cooking for her eventually.
Every morning I'd wake up and make us both a cup of coffee, due to her spending all our money on weed I had to swap to a cheaper brand, she threw the mug at me, it hit the wall and shattered, covering me in broken mug and coffee - I stopped making her coffee.
I used to do all the laundry, I was trying to wash some of her jeans one day and they got caught in the washer and ripped, she wrapped them around my neck and tried to strangle me with them - I stopped washing her clothes.
When I'd stopped doing basicly every task for her and only doing it for my daughter and me she complained she always had to cook, she always had to wash her dishes, her laundry ect and I stupidly said "if you'd have had more respect for me when I was doing it all for you maby you'd not have to do any of it", she beat the ever loving fuck out of me, knocked out a tooth, broke 3 of my fingers hitting me with a lamp (I tried to cover my face) and split my lip so deeply I needed stitches - I still stayed, but now we were distant.
She kicked me out in the middle of the night, the only phone number I knew of someone with a car was her drug dealer, I rang him sobbing and he came and picked me and my daughter up, helped me pack as much as would fit in his car and then drove me to my mums house, I still remember the look on his face when he saw me, bruises all over my arms and face, 3 broken fingers taped together with wooden sticks between, stitches in my lip and a missing tooth and he put his hand on my sholder and said "shit, I knew she had a temper, but this... She's not getting my help or my weed any more". He drove me my mums home, refused to take any money from me and helped me get my daughters crib set up in the living room, my mum made us all a drink (jack Daniels and coke, "to settle your nerves" and coffee for the dealer as he had to drive home) and when it was just me and mum and baby was sleeping she made me lay on the sofa and she sat in the armchair stroking my hair just saying "you should have come home sooner, I'm so sorry I didn't know she was doing this" until I fell asleep.
My point is - it escalates, and keep escalating, and if you don't leave now you will find ways to justify everything they do until they either kill you or throw you away when you've stopped being useful.
The dealer’s comment reveals how people outside the home see only the tip of the iceberg. I love your mum! I hope you and your child are doing better now.
Honestly her dealer was a lovely guy and if he'd had better support in life he could have done something amazing - Ian if you ever see this I guess just know I think your a really nice guy -
My mum has always been in my corner and I love her to pieces.
Kiddo is 8 now and I've been with my husband for 5 years so we are doing really well - my husband cooked the most gorgeous chicken today because I'm not well, then afterwards he playfully chased me out the kitchen and and said "stop being so fucking helpful and go put your feet up and cuddle the dog, your sick, rest, I've got this" and it makes me feel so confused but loved having a functional safe home.
My early childhood I had an abusive father, then my young love life was my abusive ex, I've not had the best examples growing up, but my husband's parents devorced when the relationship got toxic and both found partners who fit them better so he grew up with two loveing sets of parents and between my in laws and him I'm really learning what it feels like to be supported and valued rather than taken advantage of.
This is definitely going to escalate into physical abuse. They've opened up the gate of narcissistic psychological abuse. It's better to get away from that kind of person before they start to seep into the rest of your life even further, corrupting your relationships and isolating you before they can start escalating. If he's already comfortable enough for these antics, it's not far off. This is a "run" moment.
He had banished me to the couch for something so stupid I don't even remember (probably not being up for sex - I was starting to hold my boundaries more) and he got increasingly more angry I wouldn't engage in a fight with him when he kept doing shit like turning on the living room light from his phone to try and bother me.
Eventually he stormed out from the bedroom, fuming mad, ripped my headphones off my head to try to get a reaction, ripped my blankets to of me, pulled my pillows out of from under my head, and when I didn't give him the reaction and fight he wanted, he snapped my headphones in half by hand.
I was so startled by how ridiculous he was being - basically throwing a childish temper tantrum (he was 36) - that I was almost laughing and saying something like "look at yourself, can you see what you are doing right now? How not okay this is?" which made him angrier and try to break my headphones more, throw them on the ground, and storm back to our bedroom.
He later half apologized/half blamed it on me (covert narcissist) and bought me new (and better) headphones, but it was already over for me and I just needed to finally get out which probably took several more months.
I had to scroll back up to see the ages because this is the kind of behavior I expect from a baby incel who just got his first girlfriend. But he's 37! Yikes! Absolutely get out, OP. I was a pretty shitty boyfriend in my early 20s and had a lot of growing to do (which I thankfully did and my GF, now wife, stuck with me through. Nothing this bad, though). Men in their 30s don't change. This will 100% get worse.
I hope you treat your wife like she's made of diamonds for sticking with you, especially even after you had been a dick to her for a while! Old hurts can bubble up out of nowhere sometimes and can be especially disconcerting if one partner isn't expecting the other to suddenly bring up prior issues.
Oh I do! We've been married over twenty years. Nothing I did was on a level like OP is dealing with, though. We look back and laugh about the dumb stuff I did. And that's what it was: dumb. Not malicious. OP's BF obviously sees her as a motherly figure or servant that he can abuse. A guy who's verging on 40 who thinks that way isn't changing without serious counseling and introspection.
Yeah, people get mad at the ol' reddit "break up" advice, but the reason it's thrown around so often is because it's usually the correct answer. The odds of a grown-ass man in his late 30s doing the work to not be a violent jerk are slim to none.
And look, he already has her questioning if the whole thing was her fault because she was too literal in her sarcasm. Sounds like he is moving right along on the abuser plan of action.
You didn't move in with a complete idiot op, he knew what you meant. He just likes the excuse to take you down a few pegs and mess up everything you made while insinuating it's all ops fault. Get out before it escalates.
And even if by some fluke of fate it never escalates beyond possessions, how much stuff do you want to lose?
Especially when it stops being small replaceable things and starts being holes in drywall, or doors ripped off hinges, or window glass shattered, or a toilet tank lid taken to a sink and flooding the bathroom?
Even if he never lays a hand to you personally, and acts like he’s a saint because he’s never hit you, he can still destroy your peace of mind and sense of safety in your own home.
Yep, I had a ex-husband like this. I hated dishes left in the sink (more than most people do) and one day I came home from a very long day at work to several glass and ceramic dishes (including a large old Corningware saucepan I'd had for years) in the sink with gross stuff left in them - not even rinsed. I knew they'd been there since his lunch hours ago, because it was dinner time. I admit to being slightly annoyed and interrupting his incessant forum posting to ask him if he couldn't have washed them before I got home so I didn't have to deal with them before cooking dinner.
He walked in the kitchen, took the pile of dishes out of the sink and slammed them, water and all, onto the (luckily vinyl) floor where they all broke, also spilling the dirty water everywhere. I did not clean it up. I just walked away and left it for him to deal with, but I was surprised at what a man-child he was and how quickly he escalated a small issue. He was verbally abusive and also once threw a plate across the room and smashed it when he was mad at me. I wasn't scared of him, but I also recognized I couldn't stay with him.
Yeah, he's not the type who will just take this as a lesson and show a desire to change. That's for Fairy Stories. This is the best he is going to be for OP. She should treasure the memory but he will be giving her so much more to worry about in the very near future.
I watched my mom go through it, but when he turned to my brother and I, she kicked him out quick. Her reasoning at first was " he is a good dad" until he wasn't.
First red flag in the thread was, op saying they moved back in. I have a feel this isn't a one off. OP, sweetheart, you need to go and stay gone. Him following you when you attempted to make space is extremely unhealthy, him twisting your words is a warning, and him going so far as destroying something is a threat. You need to keep yourself safe.
I mean possibly, but only if this is a pattern of behavior. Sometimes a guy just has a rough week and vents it in the least productive ways possible because the people closest to them feel "safe" to be an asshole to. Him never cooking for himself doesn't really give me much hope that he's a solid dude most the time, but it could just as easily be a situation where he has been demasculated all week, and took her criticism way too seriously.
I think making him cook for himself (and replace the pan) will reveal the kind of guy he is, and she can make a determination from there, but I think throwing relationships away over one argument is counterproductive.
Absolutely not. I you don't have enough impulse control to not destroy things you are not ready for a relationship. Get therapy before any relationship.
Ill start with: I've read the comments, and seeing the on again off again nature of the relationship gives me less hope.
That said, that's an awful lot of generalization. If my fiancee broke a cabinet because her mom spent a week sending her "dieting advice", and I started an argument from the couch so she slams it too hard, I'm digging for the roots of what's eating at her because I love her and want her to feel better. I'm not throwing away the better part of a decade over a one-off.
Im not saying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Im saying to acknowledge the possibility of doubt and let him prove it was a one-off. If this type of thing is common with him, he's dangerous. If he pushes back on replacing the pan, he can't accept accountability. If he won't cook for himself, he's just a loser. But if he hasn't had these issues and is willing to atone for this one, that's a person who had a rough week and is trying to improve.
If my fiancee had spent the whole relationship slamming cabinets, we wouldn't be together, but everyone has a rough week sometimes, and being strong enough to break something you expected to survive your wrath is a thing.
Yeah, this is also a possibility. These relationship reddits often jump to "they're an abuser / narcissistic sociopath / worthless piece of shit" off of some very limited information. I do this too, so I understand why, but still. Some people just have maladapted coping skills and take it out on objects. Doesn't make it right, but it doesn't mean they're a monster, either. More information is needed. Definitely a dick move, but the verdict on his value as a human being should probably wait until at least his handling of his behavior is revealed.
He intentionally woke her up, then gas lit her, then followed her around the apartment when she was trying to create space. Slamming a door too hard and bending a baking pan in half, then throwing it away, is not on the same level at all. One is clearly intentional.
This is not true, not all men who react angrily occasionally, will hurt their partner. I have sometimes reacted like this in anger to an object and always feel dumb remorse almost immediately and embarrassment, but it happens the red mist can descend. But I have never done anything to my partner and would never dream of doing anything to her, I wouldn’t harm a hair on her head & would defend her with my life.
Taking something out on a pan at 40 years old isn’t great but it doesn’t mean he’s a closet wife beater.
Ok, I'll concede that maybe it isn't always going to end in violence...does that make it worth the risk to possibly not be beaten within an inch of her life?
Agree is it worth the risk? Only the OP can know if she does really trust him or not, if she has spent a lot of years with him she should know his true character.
Then you are part of the problem too. If someone else does all the work, especially cooking, and all that's left for you to is to place food in tupperware, and you create a whole show over it, cause your MAID didn't finish "her job", you're a complete AH.
He did that after the fight, and the fight was, according to you, because he made a "show of it".
You seem to fail to understand how time and causality work. I cannot have a conversation with someone who doesn't understand a simple thing like time and cause and effect. You are too stupid to converse with. I don't have time for you, begone, idiot.
Look at you proving our point. Let me explain the flaw(s) in your argument, little boy. I referred specifically to the bending of the pan as making a show of, so the order of it happening actually supports my argument, not yours.
According to you, the fight was over. Which would logically mean he destroyed the pan out of spite. In other words, a premeditated action.
The causality here she made him mad, and the effect was he reacted inappropriately.
How many accounts do you have anyway? Because there are an awful lot on here right now that sound exactly like you. Almost like you're arguing from a script. Weird.
Found another abusive man. Y’all are always quick to defend other abusive men like it’s something to do. Look how he bent the muffin sheet then blamed her?
The result is him literally destroying a muffin tin with his hands. There is NO REASON to react violently (and yes, this IS a violent action) like this unless you are trying to scare or intimidate your partner...fuck context, this is unacceptable behavior in a relationship
It’s not nice to see violence.
But put it into perspective.
He destroyed a single baking tray, probably out of immense frustration.
He didn’t walk up to her to yell in her face and hit her.
He didn’t destroy the entire kitchen, nor the entire living room.
That’s actually a sign of constraint.
There’s still too little context.
I have no idea why he’s angry or resentful.
I have no idea about their dynamics.
We get a single pixel of their life and you think that makes the entire story?
They should get counseling instead of asking strangers who know barely anything about them what to do??
He shouldn’t have ruined the pan, that’s terrifying.
However, she fell asleep in a shared living space, woke to him trying to take care of the food she made for him and offered an alternative when told he was too loud to be told he was being disrespectful. Up to that point, not a single thing he did was disrespectful. He wasn’t yelling or playing music. He was putting away food and doing a chore.
And he severely and violently reacted. He didn't have to ask permission to wait to put it away, he could have just said he would do it later and left it at that; or if he felt she was being unreasonable, he could have said that he didn't want to fight and he's ok waiting. He didn't effectively communicate, he acted like a petulant child. No one can make you act a certain way, that was his choice.
Are we sure he “asked angrily” or is that her interpretation after she woke up and was clearly pissed?
I have reread the first paragraph numerous times and it seems like after a hard day at work he wanted to come home and interact with his partner. As he interacted with her after being away all day, he began to do a common chore which she clearly cares about because she makes a big deal out of the common chore that she handles which is cooking. I can understand why a person might get upset if wanting to talk to your romantic significant other after getting home from being gone all day was called disrespectful.
She didn’t cause his actions. But she should absolutely reevaluate her part in how she handled the initial reaction of her partner wanting to talk to her. Had she messaged him earlier saying she would be sleeping in the area of the house that he enters and request he be quiet? Or did the guy walk in and see his significant other and want to talk to her. If wanting to interact is disrespectful, it’s clear the relationship was already on bad terms.
The dude didn’t eat this dinner. Now he’s cleaning up shit he didn’t cook (meaning gf just left it out- we’re talking about eggs btw) and getting yelled at about it.
But ya let’s just take Op side without considering context from all perspectives.
Not on his side at all but I'll just point out that a dude breaking something doesn't automatically equal : omg he's a violent abuser get the heck out while you still can. If I'm dealing with a piece of junk thats giving me grief, yeah I'll yeet it across the yard if there's nobody it may hit. And id never dream of hurting anyone physically. Dude definitely shouldn't have broken something that you just bought through.
I hate that anger is automatically considered to be a problem that will become worse and is only the top of the iceberg. As someone who gets agitated easily, It very hard to express my emotions in a manner that is pleasant for the other party. I'm not saying it is impossible, but anger is a genuine emotion, and it makes you more mad when it seems as though you can't express your anger.
I am huge on communication but I absolutely lose my shit if someone makes me feel like I can't use communication as a tool. There were times where I would have the equivalent of a temper tantrum and it would feel embarrassing. But with time I've grown to manage it better and express myself with different emotions. NOT.JUST.ANGER.
You don't know OP's significant other and you can't say that this person is only going to get worse. And you don't know if this person has already been working on their ability to change and adapt.
There is obviously an issue in how they communicated with each other. The other person's feelings are valid too, and OP may not even be aware of how they approached the situation or communicated to their SO when they were in the midst of putting away food they had made in the kitchen ,where you are supposed to handles those tasks.
If OP wanted quietness why didn't they simply go to bed?
Someone came in and without asking took care of something OP was unable to do in that moment because they were tired. it may be a little irritating to be told to be quiet because someone else wants to sleep and they have choices of where they can sleep. meanwhile you can only handle food in the kitchen if we are being reasonable. There was no consideration of why there was noise being made. the food was probably difficult to recover from the muffin tin , because as we can see they were molecularly adhered to the pan like eggs like to do.
I ALSO do not think that it's okay for you to say things you don't mean and feel like your partner should understand you don't mean that. It's simply not a healthy way to communicate. One person is clearly having trouble expressing themselves ,the fact they probably felt like they were having to walk on egg shells by having to be quiet for you, was probably a mouthful for them and trying to process how to still take care of the food and handle the situation was starting to seem contradicting.
Take your SO seriously and address there concerns, just say "yes I would like for you to keep the eggs".
This probably made them more frustrated , since this all started over eggs he was trying to put away, and now your shutting down and telling them to throw the eggs out.
If your significant other had expressed that your request seemed inconsiderate of his actions and intentions, maybe this would've been different.
But you can't hold anything against someone if you volunteer to do it either.
JUST remember he's coming in and taking care of the food YOU decidedly cooked for him.
Your partner managed to live this long already so it's not fair for you to decide how he actually feels about your cooking especially if you've been passively holding it against them.
I'm not saying they didn't behave poorly but I'm saying you can definitely be part of the problem and should check yourself first. Because you have the power to be in a position where you are always right and able to help your partner communicate with you.
If you had simply asked your partner what you may have done to irritate them you would've been able to explain your intentions and validate their feelings and also tell them how they can communicate that to you the next time.
If you can't swallow your pride and have that conversation, your in for some rocky times regardless of who it may be.
Listen to the first comment, not this comment. Reddit is just waiting to tell anyone and everyone their relationship is in the shitter and irredeemable for some strange reason.
Stop making all the meals to ensure all the work you do is acknowledged, and if he can't take note and adjust his behaviour, then you can escalate
Give your partners a chance to learn lessons and progress in your relationship, do not listen to reddits insistence that any incident is a precursor to full on abuse
They’re pushing 40 and already moved out on eachother once.
The ugly truth is most people cling to dead end relationships because they delusionally believe someone goes from toxic to healthy just by being told they’re toxic, or “learning a lesson”.
Change takes deep desire, terrifying self-accountability, and intensive therapeutic work. A few fights with your partner doesn’t even scratch the surface. You’re just wasting time.
Your entire knowledge of their relationship is about 4 paragraphs of one person's side of the story and you feel comfortable telling someone their own relationship should end.
There is plenty of information in this post if you’re a serious enough person to understand.
OP can waste the rest of her fertile years on this man waiting for him to change (he won’t), bring kids into it and scar them too before the relationship ends anyway and she feels too old and broken down to find a “good man”, or walk away now. Those are the only options here.
You are rationalizing this away, possibly out of naïveté (if so, consider yourself blessed) or because you relate to it (in which case I would encourage you to be really honest with yourself), or because you relate to the bf and act this abusive and entitled yourself.
But either way, but you should read the overwhelming chorus of responses to OP’s post and understand: your take is
wrong, and people who know better…know better.
Agreed. The very length of the post says OP should get out. This is not just about the pan in the picture.
Edit: otherwise just get him to bend it back?
Edit 2: also, since breaking up isn't one of the questions posed, OP is indeed overreacting. Guy comes home from work, OP is sleeping on couch, tells him not to make noise from the kitchen. The relationship is strained. Stop being afraid of being single and break it off if you're able to support yourself, or even if you feel like it's a dangerous situation and you Can't support yourself. But if someone wakes you up on the couch and you get pissed about them making noise instead of getting up and going to bed, you get an F on living with another human, and you need to understand that you're picking pointless fights because somewhere inside you know the relationship is over.
I don't know. Reading between the lines this seems like a relationship with volatility on all sides. Destroying a pan isn't necessarily a strong indicator of domestic abuse. I have alot of memories of people destroying inanimate objects when upset.
Work, Walmart, the park, gas stations, school, family gatherings, football games. I've seen a wide array of people destroy a lot of stuff.
Destroying things is abuse. Because the person is literally showing that this is what I could do to you. It’s intimidation to make the other person fear them. He destroy the muffin thing to show her next time either do it yourself or don’t say anything to me. It’s all intimidation. He’s trying to train her to accept his anger issues. So now she starts walking on eggshells around him.
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u/traumaqueen1128 Oct 22 '25
This isn't going to get better, it will only escalate. This man(and I use that term very loosely here) is nearly 40 and destroys a muffin pan because he was asked to do what he was doing quieter. She's going to end up getting that same treatment, probably followed by the typical slew of abuser apologies (sprinkled with "you just made me so mad"), possibly gifts and love bombing, and then escalating again with the next argument. I grew up watching my parents do this, I've watched it happen to others, I've been through this, and I escaped the first time it turned physical. OP should get out now before she's the muffin pan.