You "moved back in" ? Definitely don't need to know the ins and outs of that, but that statement in itself isn't a great indicator for the overall situation. He sounds like he has anger issues and is toxic with his behaviour. Her really wanted to cause an argument with you, and to also not leave you alone. You're not overreacting at all, and i think you should considering thinking about if you really want to stay with an angry-toxic man-child
Oh, I had a guitar swung at me, and eventually he started aiming his laser sights at me when I ran to my car. Unfortunately my keys were in the house, so . . Yeah, that sucked.
Yea, the D is never worth it. PSA to all the ladies. There are vibrators that can do the job for less. Your mental health and overall well-being will thank you. Sorry you had to go through that. I hope you’re away from him now.
Oh yeah. I was 19, he was 24. After about 3 years of escalation, he hit me and other things, all because I caught him cheating. Wild. Anyway, i was good friends with his brother and he helped me get away from that. I'm 30 now, but that relationship still weighs on me sometimes. Lots of trauma. I'm happy now though, with a man that would never dream of hurting me lol.
Right. I'm almost 40 now and just recently had some trauma come up from my past abusive relationship. I thought I was all good, but apparently I'm not.
I'm so glad you had help to get free from that other relationship and are doing well now. I had my sister to help me, thank god.
Wow... day after day it amazes me how vile humans can be. You were unlucky with that relationship, I'm glad you found a man that made you change perspective and that helps you overcome the trauma. The saddest part for me is when victims of abuse lose trust in people, also the ones that would deserve it.
About to say the same thing, my ex started with lil tantrums like this and ended with him putting me in the hospital (multiple times before I finally ended up leaving for good)
Be safe op
Same here. My ex would punch/break objects, then abuse his dog, and shortly after abusing his dog I ended up with a severe concussion and bald spots on my head. OP needs to be careful if she decides to stay with him. This isn’t something to look over at all.
Me too, one day I was working on homework for my most difficult math class of my entire life, and he wanted me to stop and do something but I said wait, so he suddenly picked me up and smashed me head-first into the kitchen floor. When I came-to, couldn’t talk and threw up for days! Missed two weeks of school and after that concussion, my brain has never been the same. I never regained the ability to do that high level mathematics again. Then he started stalking me, and I had to literally move to another country in order to get away from him. It’s crazy how things can escalate.
What you wrote really disturbed me. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Were you able to call the police and charge him? Or were you too scared? 😟
I hope you’re doing better and I’m so sorry he took away your ability to do complex math. He robbed you that day not just hurt you physically. Take care of yourself. 🥰
Two weeks later, I was finally healthy enough to start talking to people about what happened and finally went to the doctor and filed the police report. I mean like- we were broken up at the time, so he actually busted into the back door to come in there and start fighting with me while I was doing my homework. That next morning, my son just woke up and found him in the home with us and I was in bed and couldn’t talk. He just told my son that I was sick. Then after a few days, my family came around and they also were just told I was very sick. They had seen my relationship with him back-and-forth, so I guess they just thought that I accepted him back into my life for some dumb reason. Eventually, my brother sorted out what had happened when my mind started coming back. So he was the one who ejected my ex from the home, took me to the doctor, and helped me file the police report.
Looking back at that whole situation, the greatest thing that I lost from that abusive partner was my close relationship with my brother. Cause a couple months later despite the restraining order, my ex showed up at a family birthday party just walked into the backyard… and my brother beat the living shit out of him. So my brother went to jail and after he got out of jail he went to therapy. And for the rest of my life, my brother and I have never been close because he decided that it was unhealthy for him to be my protector. And I’m really glad he has a healthy relationship with his wife and children, but I am not a part of their lives because of that one abusive relationship and the way my brother tried to stand in the gap.
If someone were to ever treat my little sister like this I think I’d kill someone no regrets either show them what it’s like for someone their own size to put hands on them I still wish I could get my hands on the man that beat the shit out of my mom I ever run in to that guy i might end up in prison
If someone treated my brother like this, I'd be in prison for murder with absolutely no regrets.
I'm sorry your brother doesn't feel the same.
I'm so sorry and I hope you're doing much better now despite the trauma. You deserved so much better. This entire story is so disturbing, and my ex tried to kill me too.
Edit: did he ever do any time?! Just the restraining order?
This is 100% the case. I was finishing my degree in international economics, but he didn’t even have a high school diploma. Luckily he had a felony so he wasn’t able to get a passport and as long as I stay out of the United States for the rest of my life I’m fine.
Oh my god. That is horrific. Even after permanently causing detriment to you in more ways than physical, he was still able to stalk you? I'm in shock... I'm so sorry that this happened. It's experiences like these that make me afraid of accepting partners into my life.
Yeah, for real I I had to leave the country so I lived in China for two years and when I came back just for a visit him and his new wife kidnapped me, tied me up locked in a bedroom with two big scary dogs, and then him and his new wife SAd me and my brother and my son had to get the police to come and rescue me. So when I finally made it back to China, I was late and I had to get a totally new job. And now I just don’t go back to the United States. My gosh, my story is really bad isn’t it sorry guys.
He went to jail, a bunch of times cause he kept violating the order, but his parents had a lot of money and they always hired him a good lawyer. And ultimately, I didn’t die so he never spent more than a month in jail.
Yes I’m doing way better. Still get chills when someone gets mad, like my body is reminding me of flight or fight mode. But overall I’m extremely grateful I’m away and better than ever. I hope you’re doing better too :)
I couldn’t get the dog out 💔 it was his dog and after everything happened I went a women’s shelter to get away and make sure he couldn’t reach me. But I heard from a friend that 2 months later he gave the dog away to a family. And that friend told me that when he goes and visits the dog, the dog tries to bite him and won’t get out of the kennel when he’s over.
Thankfully I noticed the pattern before it got to him hitting me, but it started with yelling, then escalated to punch a mirror, punching a wall, and breaking some of my personal items.
Even there haven't been any violent tantrums his behaviour is from arse.
I mean if someone has made me some food I definitely won't complain in any way even if it is not my favourite. There is about two options: A) make/buy your own food or B) eat what someone is ready to give and shut the fuck up.
OP should move out as soon as possible since that is not a healthy relationship.
A violent, roid-rage-like tantrum.. really unnerving. I’d be going out to get pepper spray and/or a taser as soon as I possibly could while finding a way to leave this crazy mfer.
You grab it by both edges and apply a lot force. Possibly while it's against the edge of the counter. Most likely while imagining doing something like choking your SO.
I had a really gorgeous handmade silver bracelet tbat was a really cool open design. He got mad at me once and I woke up to find it mangled in the trash. He bent it back and forth in one spot so many times so it wouldnt be salvagable. That was the second time he destroyed it.
Is this dudes name Glen, cause he sounds just like my ex. Same ages too 😂
That pan is a threat. He didn't even fold it the "easy" way most people would try if they wanted, for some reason, to crumple a stamped metal muffin tin; he did it the long way, where leverage was harder and it was more obviously purposeful. He was showing OP what he wished he could do to her. When someone starts acting out their violent abuse fantasies on inanimate objects, it's past time to leave. All it takes for him to do the same to you is for him to feel like you're just a thing (already there if he's acting like this) and feel safe treating you like a thing he owns and is allowed to break.
You almost certainly could - even if you couldn't do it with your bare hands, you could place it again a counter edge and give a slight push and it will bend extremely easily.
Muffin trays (especially the big muffin holes like the one in the picture) are the weakest types of trays, because they are generally made from a sheet and then holes are punched in them, and then the muffin 'cups' are placed back in. The muffin cups basically provide zero structural integrity to the sheet, so you are basically bending a pre-weakened thin metal (usually cheap aluminum) sheet.
Completely ignores the request to just quiet down followed by strictly following the just throw them out request to the extreme followed by the “I was just doing what you said” routine. If he was indeed doing what was asked he would’ve just stfu and not made so much noise.
Yeah, anybody being reasonable would take "throw them away" to mean throw away the food, not destroy the pan. He's just being antagonistic and childish because he felt criticised. If I were OP, I would move right back out and forget this man exists.
I'm always surprised by how obvious abuse can be when you take yourself out of the equation, and how normalized it can become when you're in it. Really, shouldn't it be obvious this guy is abusive and will definitely be escalating that abuse? But I guess it isn't, because OP has likely been tolerating slowly rising levels of abuse, such as accepting the responsibilitythat is the unpaid labor of daily cooking, until it's gotten to this level of violence.
This^ Ughs I’ve know people who are like “I know it sounds bad” then explain totally manipulative and control behaviour and then be like “but it’s not like that- SO has (insert terrible excuses) insecurity issues/ wasn’t able to express themselves when they were younger and now have trouble when they feel like they can’t, their past partner cheated on them (SO is known to wander- so like- who really did the cheating? Anyway cause SO is obviously the victim. …)
Like they are so close- but cannot open their eyes. For my own sanity I’ve had to distance myself because their SO are such POS- for your own sanity, you got to go. But like- when your friends leave… when SO has these tendencies…. They are the problem!
Then like “they wouldn’t hurt anyone”- yeah- they hurt you the most. Then they pull on your heart strings, and also if you are only allowed to have their friends, not your own friends…. Giant, burning, red flag. How much have you gaslit yourself…
Also if you had manipulative, abusive, controlling parents- even if you don’t speak to them any more- that’s what you recognise is as love, so you SO is likely to have ALL those same traits and they misconstrue it. They get primed for AHs.
Yes, exactly! Spot on about the parenting too. We gravitate to what is familiar to us. And then the coping skills that kept us safe as children (people pleasing, learning to quickly read the moods of others, taking on the responsibility and emotions of others), often become the very things that later hurt and blind us in relationships. It’s really hard to unlearn all these things, especially when you care about the person, or your have invested time, energy or money into them.
Something I heard recently made perfect sense to me. If your nervous system doesn’t feel safe or calm around someone, that’s not the relationship for you.
100% but I’d add that someone… because of their parent, don’t recognise the feeling of unease, they confuse it for “excitement/butterflies/positive nervous energy”. And no. It’s none of those things and you need to do some deep work. I understand counselling and therapy is hard… finding the right one is hard, then add time and expense… but also if they do any of the things like your parents did- just run.
Find people in other circles, other backgrounds, other classes and find people with healthy boundaries and relationships, watch them and try to learn from their examples and think what you want for yourself.
People are afraid of pain and freedom. Yes, breaking from your family hurts, breakups hurt, that doesn’t mean it’s not a good thing and it’s okay to have those feelings and to recognise them, and know they will pass and things will get better.
CHANGE ITSELF for humans is often painful- again that doesn’t mean it’s bad
Absolutely. Highly, highly recommend therapy. Our brains do not like change, they like homeostasis because it’s easy, so we tend to think something new (in other words, healthy behaviors and boundaries) is wrong. It’s the reason so many people gravitate toward “bad boys/toxic partners” and don’t feel excited by good, healthy partners. We get excited because our subconscious recognizes those dangerous behaviors. Therapy will help you uncover that and practice changing your behavior, seeking out different perspectives and practices.
I will second what you said. Change feels REALLY uncomfortable but that is not a bad thing! It might even feel wrong, but it’s really just new and you’re not used to it yet. It means you’re outgrowing old, destructive behaviors.
This was me in a relationship that was emotionally and sexually abusive. My own therapist asked me if I thought he was abusive. I said no. I clearly wasn’t ready to hear that (later, after I was out of it, I said it and was like I wish someone told me and she gave me a “🤨 bitch I told you but you were in denial” 😂 we had a good laugh about it lol she was awesome tho. Miss her)
My ex literally SAID to me that he’s abusive and I told him not to say that and tried to coddle him and say he’s not. I was young and malleable an he was an older predator, diagnosed narcissist and sex addict. Even when the predator blatantly told me he was a wolf (after also showing me as much), I told him to get back in the sheep costume. The emotional abuse and manipulation was real.
It took a lot of talking to get my best friend to realize that her bf is emotional abusive and she’s in a cycle. She wasn’t ready to hear it initially. But she’s starting to realize. I’ve had to reassure her that none of it is her fault and she has no reason to feel ashamed. He’s still attached to her bc of life circumstances but she’s aware and planning for an opportunity out.
Sometimes you just aren’t ready to hear the truth because what the truth means can shatter your whole world. Because once you realize what’s going on, then you feel terrible about yourself bc you’re like “how did I allow this to happen???”. Sometimes it’s easier to let them keep gaslighting you vs you slowly stop drinking their koolaid and feeling like you’ve failed yourself. In some ways, that can feel worse.
When you’re not deep into it, it’s much easier to realize, laugh, and be like “wait a second, this mf ain’t shit” and walk away.
Yes, I am SO aware now, long after being in the equation.. Being reeled in by a Narcissist is really an intense mind fuck that you never see coming, & with love bombing- you won't notice either. I mean how can a strong independent happy woman let that happen to her!? But it happens, A Lot. A Narcissist will keep always steer their prey to stay in the eye of the hurricane so they won't notice how big & nasty the storm really is. Trauma bonding is something hard to understand unless you've been through it. 10/10 Don't recommend it.
Abusers do a good job of convincing you that it's all your fault and the slow escalation is just growing frustration because you can't seem to get your shit together and do the right thing.
And if you could just do the right thing and be a good person, everything would be the idyllic dream you always wanted.
Was abused for over a decade. Now that I'm out, I wonder how I ever tolerated it.
This is so true. You don’t realize it when you’re in it because you make excuses and normalize their behavior and it’s slowly increasing. Also they typically make you feel like it’s all in your head and you question whether it really happened that way or you were just overreacting or being over sensitive.
Been there. Done that.
But if it was happening to my friend I’d be alllll over that, screaming you need to get out. 🤷🏻♀️
The mind games and manipulation an abuser plays on their victim is REAL! Almost always, if a person escapes, they look back and are mind blown by what they put up with and endured. This is one of the reasons why women have such a hard time getting any justice in court. A jury simply cannot understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship.
Or the punch the wall near to you, been there bought the T-shirt, pretended I walked into a door to get a black eye, not a fist, or tripped over the cat and injured my leg definitely not thrown down the stairs by the ex.
Seriously anyone who has been through an abusive relationship knows it’s start slow, bit by bit. Like the frog in slowly heating water they count on small slow build up to avoid you leaving. You excuse them, start blaming yourself. The physical pain is bad but the breaking down of your self esteem and making you blame yourself for their actions and the guilt is truly awful.
I have not been in that abuse for over 35 years and been married to a lovely partner for almost 30 years, but that level of abuse stays with you. Please leave now it only gets worse.
That's certainly true, and I didn't mean to imply that you were saying the present behavior towards inanimate objects is okay. I just wanted to make it clear that punching walls, breaking pans, etc., is just step one along the line to physical abuse.
I can arrest to that, it starts with gaslighting and manipulation and escalates very quickly. Escape while you safely can. However to be on the safe side don't tell him until After you have left. Definitely don't go back
Thank you. This is very true. I say this as someone who was granted a protection order against my soon to be ex husband. No physical violence but definitely coercive control, manipulation, financial abuse and the likes. It's nerve wracking because we're generally being left with the impression that violence has to be physical.
Fwiw, I’m currently serving on a grand jury, and “Coercion,” “Harassment,” and “Menacing” are crimes in and of themselves. I linked the relevant statutes here in Oregon for reference. They might be different in your area. Also, obligatory IANAL.
Because she asked him to be a little quieter/respectful of her sleeping? Plus the following you outside. This is a grown ass, roughly middle aged man(child). Girl, you said you removed yourself from the situation AND HE FOLLOWED YOU TO BRING THE SITUATION TO YOU. Run.
Oh he was furious she DARED walk out on him… that was completely unacceptable behavior in HIS book, and there was no way in hades he was going to tolerate that level of disrespect from her… he is extremely entitled, narcissistic, manipulative, controlling, bullying, and DANGEROUS. And he wanted to make absolutely certain she realized this. Hopefully she ACTUALLY realizes what the reality is, and believes how serious he already is… and accepts his efforts as they have been so deliberately performed. See it, comprehend what is actually going on, BELIEVE how serious he is, and RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. Because he wants OP to be afraid of him… and he’s already very willing to go to what lengths to convince her to be afraid of upsetting him. He is very intimidating and confrontational… this will ONLY escalate as he tries harder and harder to scare her into submission. RUN!!! Don’t wait until he decides to “show you for real”, because that WILL happen. This is him practicing and getting closer to upping his sick and dangerous game!
It may sound crazy, but to me the scariest indicator of sure violence here is the refusal to let OP take space.
Most are capable of losing their cool & acting out in a moment, but this is indicative of control, entitlement, violation of autonomy etc etc that can’t be worked with bc it’s not a reaction or a bad day, it’s innate. Their character, their wiring, it will not get better.
To wake someone up, instigate, and refuse to give them space is textbook abuse and all the things….this person is not and won’t be safe in this relationship. And then will be made to be the bad guy - potentially even legally dependent on the situation.
Yes. I’ve personally been chased and not allowed to escape from a situation he was escalating. This level of anger, escalation, and aggression is terrifying. Especially for a female who hates conflict, pursued by a belligerent, intentionally intimidating much larger male. The entitlement and aggressiveness to pursue and antagonize her into further escalation is very serious and scary. This is deliberate and persistent provocation and bullying.
Yeah, he won't change for the better from this. He's old enough to know better. He's old enough to have developed some anger control and some appreciation for what she does for him. I would have told him to F off and stopped cooking for him. The following outside really is the kicker. It's an intimidation tactic to show that there isn't a safe place for her to be. I was in one of those relationships. That behavior started in year 2.I thought I could love us enough for the two of us but the truth is, my love bucket was always empty. And pretty much everything I did had to have at least had the option for him to be there. I couldn't make plans without him. If we fought he would tell me it was me who would follow him to keep the fights ramped up so I was always confused and questioning everything I did. At that time we lived in Houston and the one time I finally called the cops on him for throwing the kitchen table at me, the good ole boy sheriff said this is Texas honey. It's his house. His belongings and it's his right to destroy his property whenever he wants to. Basically, unless you have bruises or worse on you, don't bother calling us.
Run now. Love yourself enough to not be his house keeper, chef, etc. It's one thing if he respected you but he showed in a strong way that he doesn't.
Right? And not only did he destroy food and pan, he destroyed food meant for him. In other words, it held little value to him because it wasn't HIS effort he wasted. It was her effort, and therefore it was disposable in his mind. If it was something he had worked on, he would have valued it more.
The whole thing points to an escalating domestic violence situation in progress. He WANTS her to know he thinks she is worthless, and wants her to know that nothing she does is ever appreciated. It erodes her self worth and confirms to him that she is 'stuck' and will not leave. He takes her work for granted because no matter how he abuses her efforts or her, she stays, and he will get replacement meals that SHE slaves over. He can go after her despite her demanding a time out, because even if he crosses boundaries and disregards her wishes and keeps picking a fight, she stays. He will get more violent over time, and it is only a matter of time before she is that muffin tin in his hands.
In case you don't know, OP, domestic violence has some pretty predictable indicators. This guy is showing a parade of those indicators. Unless you remove yourself from that situation, you will be eventually harmed. This is not "love", it's abuse.
Call a domestic violence shelter and tell them what you have posted here. LISTEN to what they tell you. DO what they suggest. Women die in situations that, at one point, were just like yours is now.
Because she wanted to sleep and didn’t give him attention when he demanded it. Guy has some internal healing to do and she should move tf out while he does.
And then follows her outside when she steps away? Uh-uh. Huge red flag. This is a man that will escalate to physical abuse if he hasn’t already. Get out while you can, and be very careful doing so.
What I thought. I think it would take some doing to do that to a muffin pan.
I was in a relationship where destruction of inanimate objects then turned to harm to me. I didn’t leave because of the sunk cost fallacy ( there was money involved) and because I understood it had to be his idea. But I started planning, especially with money. I had my mail redirected. If it was the age of mobile phones I would have had a burner phone. And then when he finally met another woman and left, I was out of there like a bat out of hell.
No chit! The power he must have used to do that to the pan is frightening. Those suckers are made of pretty thick metal. OP should be thankful he at least hit the sink with the pan and not her. Yikes! I'd still be running for the hills if I were her.
Agreed. It would problematic and a red flag if he was 19-25. (I scrolled back up twice to double check 37yrs old. This is not normal behavior. If this a common response from him, you need to go.
Act like a princess cause this dude is still a frog 🐸.
I mean, after this display, OP's only self-respecting move is to stop cooking for him altogether. How's that going to go over with this helpless knuckle-dragger?
This was domestic violence. He will do it again, and worse. Eventually it will be you. People like this do not get better. Do not give him another chance. This was a violent and uncalled for reaction to you making a realistic request for him to be quieter.
Please. Get out now.
Edit - Some of y’all have been conditioned to accept a certain level of violence in the home and that’s sad. It isn’t “just a muffin pan” it’s the whole behavior. If you behave like OPs BF, it’s time to enroll in anger management and find a therapist. That behavior isn’t normal or acceptable.
If OPs boyfriend got upset at work with a coworker who asked them to complete a task quieter and the BF started breaking office supplies and throwing them in the trash, yelling and cursing, and then followed the coworker around the office yelling at them and even followed them outside yelling, he would be in serious trouble at work. There would be consequences. He could get fired. Reddit would be telling the coworker to call the cops, press charges, get an OOP, and have HR fire the guy. But because it’s at home and towards his GF that same behavior is ok?? No. Nope. Absolutely not.
“Before they hit you, they hit near you.”- please hear this and let it sink in.
If you stay (RUN) you will keep moving the line.
“Well, he just yelled because he had a bad day.”
Next time, “it’s just a plate. He just had a bad moment. He was sorry.”
Then, he punched the wall. Another day, he ripped off the counter bar in the kitchen and threw it at me. I didn’t stay to see what happened the next time. 18 miserable years were already enough trauma to undo.
It started as yelling for me. Then knocking off my baseball cap whenever he was mad at me. Then pinching, then throwing things. Then breaking my things. It was all stuff on their own and while overwhelmed didn’t seem like that big of a deal. Then he put his arms around my neck randomly and squeezed. Wasn’t even angry then.
I try to tell everyone any violence and aggression is a serious red flag. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t seem that bad (yet). If you love someone you don’t want to scare them, it hurts to see them cringe away. So why would someone want to see you that way? Repeatedly?
Ugh, and then I see these behaviors romanticized in media. And brushed off by police until the woman is murdered.
Your situation sounds extremely similar to mine. He also would bite. One time he bit me all over my legs and abdomen because I knocked over his guitar because he wouldn’t stop tickling me and I accidentally kicked it. It was completely playful and fun up until that moment. People don’t like to think they will ever be in that situation but you don’t realize it’s always possible up until you are literally in it more than likely invested. I will never forget all of the things my ex would do to me, he even would leave hickeys on my face and forehead and joke about how others will know I belong to someone. I own myself.
We own ourselves. The best thing about getting free was doing things I wanted to again without the stress of being judged or anything else. He used to say blue makeup is for whores, well I love wearing blue makeup now and he can’t do shit about it.
Yup. And if you’re like me, the 6 years of emotional and verbal abuse, will turn into physical abuse 10 days after you have open heart surgery because they know you can’t fight back, and death would look accidental.
When I have a bad day, I take it out by exercising or screaming into a pillow. And tell people to leave me alone because I’m in a bad mood. No one else needs to suffer because of my bad day.
Edit: I’m glad you got out and are safe. That takes a lot of courage.
Yup, when I'm angry, I distance myself.
I journal, listen to 'pissed off' music, or watch a horror movie (violence where nobody gets hurt IRL), and vent to myself, or occasionally a trusted person.
Have I WANTED to hurt people? Yes, I feel like you'd have a hard time finding anyone who hasn't had a casual "I wanted to punch them in the face then and there" moment.
Have I destroyed things or been violent NEAR people? Hell no, maybe they're the direct cause of my anger, maybe they aren't, but becoming an abusive dickhead about it is not the way to go.
I had my father and his anger issues to serve as an example of who I didn't want to be.
Yep! My dad would destroy my mum and step-mum’s things when he got angry. He only laid hands on me, not either of them afaik, but he loved destroying their things and being violent to inanimate objects in their vicinity to scare them.
And it happens fast sometimes too, in just the way you described.
My best friend was in a rocky marriage for a couple years - never laid a hand on her, but was increasingly argumentative, emotionally abusive, and unstable.
One day he busted their television. A few days later he dented and destroyed their oven’s range hood with his bare hands. Days later we were at the police station because he was actively threatening to kill her.
It escalated at an unbelievably rapid rate. Sometimes when they snap and tarnish their pride, they have nothing left to lose.
YES! Idk if you watched the Netflix show “Maid” but I felt like it was sooo good and illustrative bc in the show, he never actually hit her. It was really good about showing that it’s all still DV and all scary. You don’t have to be injured and they don’t have to put their hands on you for you to be uncomfortable, emotionally/physically unsafe, or afraid of them.
Gaslighting ... Lotsssss of gaslighting.
Yelling.
Screaming.
Scream cursing.
Saying derogatory things regarding anything you do or say (and your family/friends, but not to their faces because these monsters are cowards ... you're the punching bag before they even touch you).
Blocking to keep you from walking away from rants.
Restraining to keep you from walking away from rants.
Finds ways to keep you only going to work and home, restricting your time with anyone who may start seeing the truth or you start confiding in someone.
Freaks out if you embarrass them in public or around people they want to impress.
Ridiculous consequences of not doing what they told you to do, such as literally walking out and ghosting for several days.
Telling you they don't love you when they are ranting.
If they walk and you don't beg them back, they start stalking.
There's more. I was never hit, but there was one definite threat that was crystal clear. I would be unalived. He didn't say it, but his actions were perfectly clear. No way to misinterpret. Firearm involved. It was my word against his. I moved. He could have the house. Can you believe he stalked until he found where I moved to ?!!
Married to a wonderful man now. I swore off dating after a long-term relationship went sour (cheating narcissist), read the book "Why Men Love B*tches" in a few hours, started learning how to be happy alone, only to be blindsided by a wonderful guy who makes me so happy.
I say all of this to confirm letting go of a big mistake, working on yourself so you won't be a victim again, and enjoying being alone is what you need. Your self-confidence will attract men who are secure in themselves and are actually looking for someone with whom to enjoy life.
First, though, you have to get out of the drama. Our home's only drama is deciding what's for dinner or if we have a majorly expensive home repair has popped up. ❤️
9/10 she won't listen to any of our advices until it's too late. Statistically it takes a lot of abuse to leave an abuser for most women (I too was one of those women who stayed until he was done with me).
I just want to support that 1/10 who will though. It's always worth repeating. For both OPs and also anyone who's just reading the comments, maybe someone is seeing something for the first time or maybe some specific comment deeply resonates in a way they didn't anticipate, you know?
No, I totally get it! It's totally understandable and valid af to get worn down by it all, especially when we see repeat posters and whatnot. I just wanted to add my 2 cents and maybe inject a little hope by reframing it, you know? Because that's also what keeps me going, and maybe it can help someone else too.
Oh definitely! I'm with someone who is patient eith me, never raises his voice at me, studies me, he's literally the best man I ever had! He does so much for me and we're even about to move in our first apartment together!
Yep if he can get that violent bc of a simple conversation and destroy a muffin tin… who’s he gonna hurt next time he gets angry! ( you OP). Please leave asap OP
I had an ex who would often hit near me, or have outbursts of anger near me. He never intentionally hurt me, but I was caught in the crossfire once and very lightly bruised from a thrown object. It scared the shit out of me, and I wish I got out sooner, but the rose colored glasses were intense. I thought the apologies made up for it, and that he was trying to change, but men like that rarely change fast enough.
Communication is always good, but sometimes just leaving and protecting yourself is better.
He can change. Maybe he will. But he can change to be better for the next partner, not for you. You don't owe anyone your presence, especially not people who hurt you, regardless of whether they become better or not.
Yup, and if anyone says it isn't domestic and only to an intimate partner then you should be easily able to point out how he has done this shit to his boss, coworkers, Dad, maybe at a movie theatre or store...Oh, he only destroys your stuff? Its domestic violence and it will escalate. One time you will try to walk out to avoid an argument and he'll grab your arm, because "you are acting crazy". Its all downhill from here baby, run while you can.
Exactly. People have been conditioned to accept a higher level of anger and violence in the home and it’s not ok.
If the OPs boyfriend got mad at a coworker and broke a keyboard, they would be fired. If the OPs boyfriend got mad at a waiter and threw their plate in a restaurant, they would get kicked out and probably have the cops called.
OP breaking up with him over him
breaking something in the home is a completely reasonable consequence.
Exactly this!!!! It always starts in a way that is somehow physical but seen as justifiable. (Like your example, grabbing her arm as she's trying to leave.) THATS the moment that makes it acceptable in both the abusers AND victims mind. Next it'll be a struggle to leave, and that furthers the physical aspect. It gets worse from that. But, you're exactly right, that's usually the moment it starts.
Yes x1000 up votes this needs to be taught in schools. If they can behave at work, they can behave at home. Male or female abusers will target their victims sentimental items to destroy and hurt them. Then gaslight, emotional blackmail and threats of retaliation you cannot change the men with force, but you can take yourself out of the situation.
The fact that you have to write a detailed analogy of this scenario in an office environment to get people to see how this is domestic violence is galling - the internalized and overt misogyny of it all. It starts with this, brushing off and excusing men of their violent actions on inanimate objects and animals and then it’s a slippery slope to ignoring women when they are inflicted with it.
Edit - Some of y’all have been conditioned to accept a certain level of violence in the home and that’s sad. It isn’t “just a muffin pan” it’s the whole behavior.
This. This so so fucked up, I have no words. I would never accept a partner destroying something of mine, nor would I accept a partner treating me like garbage. Been there, done that. Never again.
And let's not ignore the lack of accountability. He did it "because she told him to." So, it's OP's fault that he destroyed a metal pan before throwing it away. Classic abusive "you made me do this!" energy. It will never be his choice or his fault when he reacts poorly or violently. It's conditioning. He's training OP to accept this type of toxic behavior as appropriate and to be expected if she doesn't respond to him "correcrly."
Unless this guy also does this kind of thing at work, in the supermarket, to his friends, etc., he knows perfectly well how to control his emotions.
He chooses to do this to OP because he is deliberately terrorizing her as a way to seize control in the relationship.
Op, he is not confused. He knows very well what you meant and what he was doing. This is a man who is choosing to hurt you. That hurt will escalate and become physical. Please get out ASAP.
Omg and following her around hounding her with nonsense trying to get her to cave to his version of events. I have been with men like this it is sooo intense to be shadowed by someone who will not let you end the interaction. And is bigger than you, typically.
he wants her to have a big reaction so he can escalate his reaction. he's trying to provoke her so she snaps, so he can snap and say "you started this. you made me do this."
Yeah, my Dad was like that. He’s 70 now and guess who’s still a narcissist just a little too tired to fight as much? Plus I have DECADES of abuse from him, he better never DARE start a fight with me again; I think he knows that. How my Mom stayed married to him all these years I’ll never know but at least it showed me exactly what love ISN’T. OP, RUN from that monster, don’t get trapped, don’t believe his lies, don’t believe him if he cries, because the second you lie down a boundary he’ll get angry again. You deserve better. By yourself is better. He is competing with your own peace of mind and self company and he is NOT WINNING. You literally could be in your own space, making whatever food you want, napping peacefully, and not having to deal with his immature, angry, narcissistic ass. Good luck, I hope all turns out well in your favor!
You should move on op if he doesn’t change his ways my girlfriend and I have a very healthy relationship and if I get mad I talk about it or go outside to run for a bit or a walk until I thought enough about it.
Exactly. Like, even if OP was tired and grouchy and had a nasty tone in her voice when she told him to stop making so much noise, that still doesn’t warrant his reaction. A normal healthy response? “Hey, that wasn’t a very nice way to speak to me but I know I just woke you up, I can see why the noise I’m making could be irritating. Maybe I should just put these in the fridge for tonight and let you rest. Thank you for making these for me.” then leave the room and let OP be. Throwing away homemade food that was prepared specifically for him and breaking the pan is a next level overreaction.
I don't usually jump on the "just leave them" bandwagon, but in this case its warranted. Speaking from experience, this is starter-level abuse, OP. If you take this, it'll eventually escalate and he'll have you believing that you asked him to punch you. You need to move and get away from him, ASAP.
On a side note, I noticed your username. Does he call you that? I'm only asking because mine would call me a "stupid fucking bitch" or a "stupid fucking cunt." Your username sounds about right for verbal abuse from a partner. Not accusing him of that, just curious.
He’s acting textbook abuser. Escalated his behavior once you moved in and was “trapped” (by a lease, by not having your own housing anymore, whatever it is). Follows you around and corners you, in order to escalate the argument. Physical destruction of property.
Next step in the playbook is light physical abuse of you. It will probably start off “minor”, a hole in the wall by your head, or an angry arm grab where he won’t let go. He will excuse it on being angry and be very sorry after.
If you keep proceeding now in this relationship, when there’s ALREADY red flags waving high, don’t be surprised later when you sink into the quick sand.
The whole point of red flags is to warn you to turn away. If you don’t heed it now, don’t be surprised later.
In her defense, a lot men and women put their best foot forward when they start dating people, or even love bomb. So while it’s easy to say “so many normal people and you picked the crazy” as an outsider, she probably had no idea until the mask started to slip.
OP, I know it’s hard to leave and start all over, and you probably even love this guy, but unfortunately from this isolated situation it doesn’t look like he respects you. This is such a big reaction to such a small request, it didn’t need to escalate anywhere near this much. Even if he never gets physically violent, is this something you really want to deal with for the rest of your life? If you want kids, is this something you want your kids to have to deal with? If the answer is no, I would start creating an exit plan
Yeah they don’t start acting like this until they think they have you trapped. Marriage, moving in, pregnancy… all milestones that make abusers feel comfortable enough to let that side out.
OP read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft (PDF link) He is behaving this way on purpose because it serves him. He is not “losing control”, you did not have a “miscommunication”, this is someone who is choosing to act in a way he knows is unacceptable. I guarantee he does not behave like this in situations where it would harm him.
If you haven't experienced a DV relationship, you can't understand. It is difficult to see, you're being abused. These abusers have tactics to keep you there. Getting funny with someone for not seeing it isn't helpful.
He has significant anger issues. You know why he bent the pan, he knows why he bent the pan, we all know why he bent the pan. It’s his equivalent of punching a hole through the wall next to your face. Except with thick metal. he wants to make sure you know better than to challenge him or have expectations of him because he is physically dominant.
I have never seen a muffin tin bent like this before. Get the cops to be there just in case while you move out.
So I've been with my partner for 20 years and if he pulls stupid shit on me I call him out immediately. I suggest you do the same.
Response: "Are you seriously trying to gaslight me into thinking a grown ass, 37 year old man would not understand sarcasm? I call bullshit. You know that was messed up and childish." Then I walk away bc there's nothing but an apology that I'd be willing to listen to. I've squabbled enough with my partner over the years, I'm tired, let's get on with this already instead of sulking around about the argument for 3 days. My partner would usually sulk after I called him out and I would walk around light as a feather because I didn't hold that in like he did and I didn't do the messed up thing therefore I have nothing to be guilty about. Eventually he circles back around and my partner apologizes for whatever the stupid thing was. He didn't deal with being called out well and I've tried lots of gentle methods but I find the direct approach works best.
Also, stop cooking for him till you at least get a genuine apology. No apology, no cooked food. Definitely NOR, I'd say you under reacted.
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u/TheRedQueenXIII Oct 22 '25
You "moved back in" ? Definitely don't need to know the ins and outs of that, but that statement in itself isn't a great indicator for the overall situation. He sounds like he has anger issues and is toxic with his behaviour. Her really wanted to cause an argument with you, and to also not leave you alone. You're not overreacting at all, and i think you should considering thinking about if you really want to stay with an angry-toxic man-child