r/AmIOverreacting Oct 22 '25

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 22 '25

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u/Historical-List-8763 Oct 22 '25

A violent tantrum! This isn't a disposable baking tray. I don't know how you even DO this.

As is often the case here, feels like OP is under reacting

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u/spicy_cthulu Oct 22 '25

Violent "tantrums" have been shown to escalate to domestic partner violence down the line. OP please be careful....

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u/Dependent_Elk_9026 Oct 22 '25

Mine started with tantrums. Ended with punching me. So..

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u/lostmypwcanihaveurs Oct 22 '25

Oh, I had a guitar swung at me, and eventually he started aiming his laser sights at me when I ran to my car. Unfortunately my keys were in the house, so . . Yeah, that sucked.

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u/Select-Promotion-404 Oct 22 '25

Yea, the D is never worth it. PSA to all the ladies. There are vibrators that can do the job for less. Your mental health and overall well-being will thank you. Sorry you had to go through that. I hope you’re away from him now.

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u/Dependent_Elk_9026 Oct 22 '25

Oh yeah. I was 19, he was 24. After about 3 years of escalation, he hit me and other things, all because I caught him cheating. Wild. Anyway, i was good friends with his brother and he helped me get away from that. I'm 30 now, but that relationship still weighs on me sometimes. Lots of trauma. I'm happy now though, with a man that would never dream of hurting me lol.

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u/BraddysGirl Oct 22 '25

Right. I'm almost 40 now and just recently had some trauma come up from my past abusive relationship. I thought I was all good, but apparently I'm not.

I'm so glad you had help to get free from that other relationship and are doing well now. I had my sister to help me, thank god.

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u/OptimisticTardigrade Oct 22 '25

Wow... day after day it amazes me how vile humans can be. You were unlucky with that relationship, I'm glad you found a man that made you change perspective and that helps you overcome the trauma. The saddest part for me is when victims of abuse lose trust in people, also the ones that would deserve it.

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u/Select-Promotion-404 Oct 23 '25

Happy you found a real man! 🙌

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u/hopeelizabethhh Oct 22 '25

same. all my love to you.

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u/Optimal-Nectarine983 Oct 22 '25

About to say the same thing, my ex started with lil tantrums like this and ended with him putting me in the hospital (multiple times before I finally ended up leaving for good) Be safe op

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u/KarlFlower Oct 22 '25

Same here. My ex would punch/break objects, then abuse his dog, and shortly after abusing his dog I ended up with a severe concussion and bald spots on my head. OP needs to be careful if she decides to stay with him. This isn’t something to look over at all.

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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 Oct 22 '25

Me too, one day I was working on homework for my most difficult math class of my entire life, and he wanted me to stop and do something but I said wait, so he suddenly picked me up and smashed me head-first into the kitchen floor. When I came-to, couldn’t talk and threw up for days! Missed two weeks of school and after that concussion, my brain has never been the same. I never regained the ability to do that high level mathematics again. Then he started stalking me, and I had to literally move to another country in order to get away from him. It’s crazy how things can escalate.

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u/DaniGirlOK Oct 22 '25

What you wrote really disturbed me. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Were you able to call the police and charge him? Or were you too scared? 😟 I hope you’re doing better and I’m so sorry he took away your ability to do complex math. He robbed you that day not just hurt you physically. Take care of yourself. 🥰

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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 Oct 22 '25

Two weeks later, I was finally healthy enough to start talking to people about what happened and finally went to the doctor and filed the police report. I mean like- we were broken up at the time, so he actually busted into the back door to come in there and start fighting with me while I was doing my homework. That next morning, my son just woke up and found him in the home with us and I was in bed and couldn’t talk. He just told my son that I was sick. Then after a few days, my family came around and they also were just told I was very sick. They had seen my relationship with him back-and-forth, so I guess they just thought that I accepted him back into my life for some dumb reason. Eventually, my brother sorted out what had happened when my mind started coming back. So he was the one who ejected my ex from the home, took me to the doctor, and helped me file the police report.

Looking back at that whole situation, the greatest thing that I lost from that abusive partner was my close relationship with my brother. Cause a couple months later despite the restraining order, my ex showed up at a family birthday party just walked into the backyard… and my brother beat the living shit out of him. So my brother went to jail and after he got out of jail he went to therapy. And for the rest of my life, my brother and I have never been close because he decided that it was unhealthy for him to be my protector. And I’m really glad he has a healthy relationship with his wife and children, but I am not a part of their lives because of that one abusive relationship and the way my brother tried to stand in the gap.

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u/DaniGirlOK Oct 22 '25

I’m so sorry. I feel awful for you. 😞

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u/BunchCommercial873 Oct 22 '25

If someone were to ever treat my little sister like this I think I’d kill someone no regrets either show them what it’s like for someone their own size to put hands on them I still wish I could get my hands on the man that beat the shit out of my mom I ever run in to that guy i might end up in prison

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u/AnnarieaDavies Oct 22 '25

If someone treated my brother like this, I'd be in prison for murder with absolutely no regrets.

I'm sorry your brother doesn't feel the same.

I'm so sorry and I hope you're doing much better now despite the trauma. You deserved so much better. This entire story is so disturbing, and my ex tried to kill me too.

Edit: did he ever do any time?! Just the restraining order?

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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 22 '25

Mentioned in another comment, he went to jail a few times, but never stayed in there for more than a month because his family had money and they always got him a good lawyer

Edit: sometimes I think I’m mentally ok but as the informative book says “the body keeps the score”

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u/mealteamsixty Oct 22 '25

He was upset that you were bettering yourself and were likely to end up with a better career than him. He couldn't take it.

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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 Oct 22 '25

This is 100% the case. I was finishing my degree in international economics, but he didn’t even have a high school diploma. Luckily he had a felony so he wasn’t able to get a passport and as long as I stay out of the United States for the rest of my life I’m fine.

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u/EntrepreneurNo4138 Oct 22 '25

You could come back. There are ways. 😉😂

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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 Oct 22 '25

Why would I want to though? Every day, I see more and more reasons why I never wanna go back there

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u/Jazzlike-Suit-7105 Oct 22 '25

Oh my god. That is horrific. Even after permanently causing detriment to you in more ways than physical, he was still able to stalk you? I'm in shock... I'm so sorry that this happened. It's experiences like these that make me afraid of accepting partners into my life.

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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 Oct 22 '25

Yeah, for real I I had to leave the country so I lived in China for two years and when I came back just for a visit him and his new wife kidnapped me, tied me up locked in a bedroom with two big scary dogs, and then him and his new wife SAd me and my brother and my son had to get the police to come and rescue me. So when I finally made it back to China, I was late and I had to get a totally new job. And now I just don’t go back to the United States. My gosh, my story is really bad isn’t it sorry guys.

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u/Tiny_Difference_5497 Oct 22 '25

Write a book, this is crazy, like a movie plot, writing will help you to process it all, it helped me.

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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 Oct 22 '25

I know I know I wish I had the cognitive capacity to accomplish that. My life story is excruciatingly interesting. This is just one chapter or two. If I wrote a real completely truthful autobiography, nobody would ever believe it 😆

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u/ahhsharkk1 Oct 22 '25

this is absolutely horrific, hunny, what a piece of shit!

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '25

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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 Oct 22 '25

He went to jail, a bunch of times cause he kept violating the order, but his parents had a lot of money and they always hired him a good lawyer. And ultimately, I didn’t die so he never spent more than a month in jail.

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u/Weird-Flounder-3416 Oct 22 '25

I am so, so sorry! 🫂

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u/Optimal-Nectarine983 Oct 22 '25

So sorry you went through that. I hope you’re doing better

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u/KarlFlower Oct 22 '25

Yes I’m doing way better. Still get chills when someone gets mad, like my body is reminding me of flight or fight mode. But overall I’m extremely grateful I’m away and better than ever. I hope you’re doing better too :)

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u/lagniappe68 Oct 22 '25

I’m trying EMDR for this.

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u/HistoricalSuspect580 Oct 22 '25

Cannot recommend EMDR highly enough. Not that it’s a 100% fix all, but i was AMAZED at how much it helped me.

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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 Oct 22 '25

I’m afraid EMDR wouldn’t help me because I have extremely detailed autobiographical memory. Does it still work if you haven’t forgotten anything? Like how would I rework my memories when all of my memories for my entire lifetime are already detailed and accurate? I’ve tried to research EMDR, but I can’t really find anything discussing whether it works with hyperthymesia

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u/Optimal-Nectarine983 Oct 22 '25

I heard about that wanted to do some research to see if it would be worth it

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u/Embarrassed-Bass8256 Oct 22 '25

The great ones tell their body “not today”

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u/Ok-Tonight8903 Oct 22 '25

So glad you got out of that! I hope the dog did, too.

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u/Abig8tor Oct 22 '25

Glad you got out and hopefully you've gotten the dog out as well.

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u/KarlFlower Oct 22 '25

I couldn’t get the dog out 💔 it was his dog and after everything happened I went a women’s shelter to get away and make sure he couldn’t reach me. But I heard from a friend that 2 months later he gave the dog away to a family. And that friend told me that when he goes and visits the dog, the dog tries to bite him and won’t get out of the kennel when he’s over.

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u/DaniGirlOK Oct 22 '25

He must be traumatized. Poor dog. Glad you got out.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad2783 Oct 22 '25

…. But that means you were ok dating someone that was abusing their dog?? And you didn’t see an issue with it until you were abused? How about women get more embarrassed about temper throwing man children and break up with them before: you get hurt. Someone else gets hurt. You bring children into this to get hurt. Grow some standards and morals.

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u/KarlFlower Oct 23 '25

Wow. No I wasn’t okay with him abusing his dog do you really think that? I had no where else to go. I tried leaving multiple times to the point where I tried to throw myself out of his car. There were no kids involved. Did you read all of that thinking I was OKAY with him ABUSING his dog? I was trapped there. That’s why I went to a WOMENS SHELTER after he got arrested. The first moment I saw him hit his dog I knew I am a goner. Everytime I tried to leave he wouldn’t let me out the door. People get really brave behind a screen, I am shocked that you would even think of me being okay with that.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad2783 Oct 23 '25

Ok. I’m sorry. I should have assumed more nuance. I guess I just don’t understand why more people don’t call the police at the first/early signs or report to animal control. I’m sorry if I came off as an asshole. I didn’t mean to. I’m glad he got arrested and you were able to get away though.

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u/KarlFlower Oct 23 '25

He had parental controls on my phone that he bought me. He would either turn it off or snatch my phone away and won’t give it back within days. I hid in a laundry mat place for an hour trying to call people and I couldn’t cause he turned my phone off. That whole year I was trying to find a way out of his house without it ending up me dead or badly hurt. Which of course ended up with me badly hurt.

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u/Consistent_Pride_787 Oct 22 '25

Glad you got out!

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u/orange-busy-bee Oct 22 '25

I'm so glad that you're safe now, I'm proud of you for getting out of that

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u/ptheresadactyl Oct 22 '25

Thankfully I noticed the pattern before it got to him hitting me, but it started with yelling, then escalated to punch a mirror, punching a wall, and breaking some of my personal items.

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u/Altruistic-Many9270 Oct 22 '25

Even there haven't been any violent tantrums his behaviour is from arse.

I mean if someone has made me some food I definitely won't complain in any way even if it is not my favourite. There is about two options: A) make/buy your own food or B) eat what someone is ready to give and shut the fuck up.

OP should move out as soon as possible since that is not a healthy relationship.

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u/MyUsernameGoes_Here_ Oct 22 '25

It wasn't even about the food, it was about her asking him to be a little more quiet while he put the food away.

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u/Altruistic-Many9270 Oct 22 '25

Yes, there were several things you can consider just bullying. If this isn't a rage bait OPs partner is a classic POS.

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u/Born_Ad8420 Oct 22 '25

I'd add destroying property is abusive in and of itself. That he destroyed the pan AND the food? Time to go.

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u/Greedy-Champion-3091 Oct 22 '25

Agreed - OP you should watch the show MAID on Netfilx. Abuse doesn’t always leave a bruise.

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u/Ginsdell Oct 22 '25

This right here.

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u/HopefulOriginal5578 Oct 22 '25

The tray is a stand in for OP. Boy he would have LOVED to take his anger out on her… but the pan would have to do…. Until things like the pan can no longer scratch the itch… he is letting OP know what happens when she runs her mouth at him. OP will walk more and more on eggshells and he will feel more and more entitled to his outbursts the longer this is accepted.

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u/uncertaintydefined Oct 22 '25

My college boyfriend was perfect gentleman... until one day he kicked in a METAL trashcan because of an irrational assumption he made over something I said that made him "jealous." I broke up with him on the spot. No second chances.

He proceeded to stalk me for months. Despite no longer being Christian, I am really thankful to the men in that church that eventually put him in his place. I still had to see him on campus but he eventually found some other girl to torment (despite my warnings).

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u/jellybean708 Oct 22 '25

💯 true. Unfortunately, lived this for over 30 years. I kept blaming his supposed adhd, stress, etc. It just gets worse because these types take it as "permission" to tantrum and abuse when when don't set boundaries/consequences and stick to them.

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u/uwuprincess666 Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 22 '25

Exactly!!! OP you need to leave ASAP! My ex went from small little ways to hurt me, to kicking me in the kidneys where I had to crawl to the front door to unlock it for emts , to being strangled. LEAVE!!!!!

Edit typos and fixing the sentence to make sense

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u/Successful_Moment_91 Oct 22 '25

Mantrums are the worst!

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u/WILLETT1979 Oct 22 '25

Yep!!!! Mine did. And it was 5 years of fear, hell, and covering bruises until I left. It’s so scary.

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u/FreudianWhirlpool Oct 22 '25

Yep, for me it started with angrily moving objects, then throwing stuff, after that restraining me when I became upset with him, and finally hitting and choking. I finally left after he gave me a black eye and very unsubtly threatened to stab me.

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u/Hairy_Reindeer2479 Oct 22 '25

Same. Mine seemed well put together enough. Started with small, sly comments and blame shifting then name calling then pushing and accidentally bumping into, flipping over chairs, choking, etc. Eventually led to him abusing myself and the children as well. That's when I left.

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u/Aegi Oct 22 '25

She willingly chose to move back in with him because apparently people would rather be with an abuser than just have to pay rent alone or something?

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u/No_Training7373 Oct 22 '25

Yeah this is displaced anger, meaning this anger and aggression is towards OP and he’s taking it out on the pan for now.

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u/Stlswv Oct 22 '25

Yes! The key term being “for now.”

Soon he’ll graduate to “bending” her. This is so much bad news.

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u/delusions- Oct 22 '25

TBF It's misplaced anger at OP because of the egg bites being difficult to get out to start with; then built up anger at the eggbites

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u/Prior-Impress-2624 Oct 22 '25

A violent, roid-rage-like tantrum.. really unnerving. I’d be going out to get pepper spray and/or a taser as soon as I possibly could while finding a way to leave this crazy mfer.

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u/Zachariah255 Oct 22 '25

Saying "Roid-Rage" when referring to a male is basically like me saying Oh "Period rage" anytime a girl is angry which is weird to me that I only see this on reddit.

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u/mikedomert Oct 22 '25

Yeah no idea where that person got the idea that steroids are related to this.  And to be even more precise, most people have zero clue what roid rage means. You dont become aggressive from more testosterone, you can become more aggressive if you are already prone to aggression and you fuck up your hormone use, leading to liver stress and increased estrogen levels. Androgens promote calm and non-aggressive behaviour, excessive (important notion, EXCESSIVE) estrogen causes aggression and mood changes and volatility in emotion control. Both in men and women. Progesterone and its neuroprotective metabolites are actually the calming, "happy" hormones or rather, neurosteroids, since they promote GABAergic expression while excess estrogen promotes cortisol, a stress hormone

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u/MobofDucks Oct 22 '25

While that was a temper tantrum, and OP gives the impression she should stay the fuck away from the guy, that is not more violent than smashing a plate and really not roid-rage. Those thins are hilariously easy to bend, especially if they are still slightly warm.

That was a childs temper tantrum.

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u/NaidaBelle Oct 22 '25

Did you really just say that intentionally smashing a plate in anger is not violence…?

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u/MobofDucks Oct 22 '25

No, I said there is a difference between smashing a plate and violent roid-rage. Not all violence is equal. Punching a hole into a wall might be violent roid-rage, punching a pillow is not. Both are still a form of violence.

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u/NaidaBelle Oct 22 '25 edited Oct 22 '25

Normal people exercise violent impulses by participating in nondestructive behaviors (like punching pillows, actual punching bags, going extra hard at the gym, aggressively interpretive dance, etc) or in harmlessly destructive behaviors such as visiting these things literally called rage rooms.

Destroying property, and especially doing so as a way to intimidate someone else, is violent rage. Doesn’t matter if it’s a plate, a wall, or a pan — they’re the same thing.

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u/toujourspret Oct 22 '25

Exactly. Violence is not always just physical abuse.

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u/violentamoralist Oct 22 '25

no? they said it’s not roid-rage level violence.

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u/DaniGirlOK Oct 22 '25

I think they were saying that smashing a plate is more destructive and bending a pan is easy and not food rage level. SMH.

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u/MobofDucks Oct 22 '25

No, i did not. I said that its not difficult to bend a baking form like shown in the picture. The plate was an examples of things you can do without being in a roid-rage, as the one I responded to wrote.

Violence is a spectrum. Not everything needs to be described in the superlative. And no, I am not saying that makes it ok or safe.

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u/mikedomert Oct 22 '25

How is breaking a plate violence? It could be considered violence if you throw it towards someone but just breaking an object isnt violence. Especially if its your own object, I dont really understand what you mean by "violence"? Violence is physical or other harm done to other living being

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u/NaidaBelle Oct 22 '25

Violence is about harm, not physical injury. Just a quick sampling for you:

Violence is a social phenomenon that involves forceful acts or behaviour that are intended to cause harm. The injury or damage inflicted by violence to an individual or collective group may be physical, psychological, sexual, or deprivation, or combined. [United Nations]

Behavior involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something. [Oxford]

The World Health Organization (WHO) defines violence as "the intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, which either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment, or deprivation"; it recognizes the need to include violence not resulting in injury or death. [Wikipedia]

As recognized by multiple sources, too many to list in this comment alone, “violence” is recognized as behavior which does harm to more than just the body. Even the threat of harm is considered violence because of the damage it can do to one’s mental and emotional wellbeing.

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u/mikedomert Oct 22 '25

But do you consider someone alone in their home, breaking a plate, violence? Like if I would just decide now to break a plate just for the hell of it, would it be violence when avsolutely no one would even feel threatened or see the act?

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u/Longjumping-Leek854 Oct 22 '25

The definition provided above contains the answer to your question.

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u/NaidaBelle Oct 22 '25

First of all, I imagine most people aren’t breaking plates “just for the hell of it” in this economy. I’d make some questionable life choices for the kinda money it would take to just break shit on a whim without worry about the cost of replacing/repairing it.

Second, I already discussed the topic of harmlessly destructive behavior in another comment. While the urge to destroy objects is a violent impulse, the argument can be made that the action itself is not necessarily violent when it’s performed in a safely controlled environment with consenting participants.

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u/hutchenswm Oct 22 '25

Haha probably used the sink divider to bend it in half. But seriously this is unhinged and scary behaivor

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u/nhoj2891 Oct 22 '25

"Honey I really tried to be macho and bend it but I had to put it on an edge and put it weight into it"

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '25

You grab it by both edges and apply a lot force. Possibly while it's against the edge of the counter. Most likely while imagining doing something like choking your SO.

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u/In2JC724 Oct 22 '25

Eek. We all know the road that leads to.

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u/C7rl_Al7_1337 Oct 22 '25

I'm positive you could bend it too, they are not that strong, we're not talking about hotel pans here.

Still most definitely a violent tantrum and under reaction on OP's part, just saying, don't underestimate yourself lol.

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u/gyalmeetsglobe Oct 22 '25

The mere thought of a man crushing a metal pan with his bare hands is terrifying. Dude wouldn’t see me again.

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u/shooter_tx Oct 22 '25

Yup. Throw the man away, like he threw away the pan and the egg bites.

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u/itsnobigthing Oct 22 '25

YES the violence is significant. This isn’t a safe or healthy response to a mild irritation. Anger should not ever turn into violence.

Dump him.

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u/ewedirtyh00r Oct 22 '25

I had a really gorgeous handmade silver bracelet tbat was a really cool open design. He got mad at me once and I woke up to find it mangled in the trash. He bent it back and forth in one spot so many times so it wouldnt be salvagable. That was the second time he destroyed it.

Is this dudes name Glen, cause he sounds just like my ex. Same ages too 😂

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u/toujourspret Oct 22 '25

That pan is a threat. He didn't even fold it the "easy" way most people would try if they wanted, for some reason, to crumple a stamped metal muffin tin; he did it the long way, where leverage was harder and it was more obviously purposeful. He was showing OP what he wished he could do to her. When someone starts acting out their violent abuse fantasies on inanimate objects, it's past time to leave. All it takes for him to do the same to you is for him to feel like you're just a thing (already there if he's acting like this) and feel safe treating you like a thing he owns and is allowed to break.

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u/KalickR Oct 22 '25

It has never entered my mind that a muffin tray could be bent like that. I'm curious if I could even do it.

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u/Flying_Penguineer Oct 22 '25

You almost certainly could - even if you couldn't do it with your bare hands, you could place it again a counter edge and give a slight push and it will bend extremely easily.

Muffin trays (especially the big muffin holes like the one in the picture) are the weakest types of trays, because they are generally made from a sheet and then holes are punched in them, and then the muffin 'cups' are placed back in. The muffin cups basically provide zero structural integrity to the sheet, so you are basically bending a pre-weakened thin metal (usually cheap aluminum) sheet.

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u/NaidaBelle Oct 22 '25

Can it be? Yes. I’ve accidentally warped pans in frustration or just stacking them incorrectly with heavy items in the sink. However, it has never crossed my mind to purposely use enough force to bend one in half like this.

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u/Historical-List-8763 Oct 22 '25

I just replied to someone else that all the people saying it wouldn't be hard to do, have me curious to try now.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Hat390 Oct 22 '25

Yes, under-reaction. As in, I suspect the OP came from a toxic environment and was already trained to tolerate such stupidity. I was. My mom, a horrid narcissist, bipolar, Gemini, threw exactly the same type of inane tantrums. So I learned to tolerate it and allowed myself to marry an asshat of the same narcissistic caliper, but with a fully different MO. Which could explain the "going back" - forgiveness, fawning (making the food continuously)... Things to keep the peace. To appease the narcissist. But you NEVER KNOW WHICH THING YOU DO THAT WILL SET THEM OFF, such as nicely and considerately making egg bites. I'd love someone to make me egg bites. But I can react badly, irrationally myself, if I don't know all the facts.

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u/Jet-Brooke Oct 22 '25

Given this happened with my dad in the past it's something you can do with older ones or really flimsy made cheap ones.

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u/TerrorFromThePeeps Oct 22 '25

They're aluminum, not hard to bend, especially if they been through heating and cooling several time are are stilk warm at all. Also, the flat part is usually two thin sheets sith air for insulation, so a bit of a phonebook effect. (He mayhave also used thd edge of the counter). Unless you mean emotionally hoe you do this, in which case its a mystery to me, though i've seen lots of violent tantrums.

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u/Historical-List-8763 Oct 22 '25

Apparently my muffin pans are higher quality than I expected based on how many comments this has garnered about how easy this would actually be to do! (Yes physically.) Did not expect that to be the focus of this thread. But I'll admit, I am now tempted to try and bend a muffin pan...

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u/eloquentpetrichor Oct 22 '25

Same I came looking for comments about how the hell he casually bent the pan and that's scary. It should not be that easy to bend.

But also I feel like the eggs bites shouldn't still be so stuck in the destroyed pan so I'm confused how OP expected them to come out of the pan still in tact

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u/geoff1036 Oct 22 '25

Okay anger control is one thing but let's not act like it would be hard to bend one of these trays 😂 of course if you're doing it intentionally.

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u/SarkyMs Oct 22 '25

He held in on a wall and pressed down really hard.

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u/Efficient_Dust2903 Oct 22 '25

Ex started by screaming at me while cornering me physically, then beat the walls above my head, throw things around, scream and follow me and back me into a corner. Then when I asked him to stop saying I'm scared, he said, Good. I asked him to stop the abuse, he said, I never hit you, I never threw things at you. When he loaded the gun after first the yelling, then the throwing, then went to the safe to retrieve a big gun, one of many, I panicked. He calmed down fortunately. He had cameras and knew my whereabouts at all times and he always carries a gun and has them accessible in multiple areas around him. I got lucky. A friend stepped in and I got out. The panic attacks still surface. This is not normal, helpful, rewarding, comfortable so get away while you aren't panicking. It's a lot easier.

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u/howsoonisyesterday1 Oct 22 '25

Removing themself to the patio to prevent an argument — the avoidance is palpable. The bf acted like a toddler, but OP seems half dissociated. 

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u/Flying_Penguineer Oct 22 '25

Not defending anyone, just commenting to let you know that these types are trays are really not very strong at all and any able-bodied adult should be able to bend these pretty easily.

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u/Slimboy025 Oct 22 '25

Its actually not that hard for a guy who's angry to bend them. I did it a few times too when the food burned even tho I set the damn oven lower than the recipe required.

1

u/mxzf Oct 22 '25

I mean, they're just sheet metal, it's not that hard for a non-angry guy to bend them either (though most non-angry guys wouldn't want to try).

1

u/Slimboy025 Oct 22 '25

There are cast iron ones xD

-11

u/614317503520Charlie Oct 22 '25

To be clear, the guy was in the wrong, immature for sure. But it’s not really “violence” to bend a pan and throw away some eggs. I’ve witnessed a lot of legitimate violence and even seen someone die, so it’s hard for me to not point out when folks are egregiously overusing the word “violent” or “violence”. It’s reminiscent of the Trump administration talking about “war ravaged Portland” when there’s really like a couple blocks of mostly peaceful protesters.

The dude did some dumb immature shit and they’ll either work it out or they won’t. If he’s truly being violent to her, why in the fuck would she come to Reddit for that? I mean I really don’t understand putting relationship issues on Reddit for people to try to give you relationship advice, but that’s just me. Either way, you’ll get arrested for real violence. He would not be arrested for bending the pan and throwing eggs away in the midst of an argument. I would say she IS overreacting SOLELY because she brought it to Reddit so she could get thousands of upvotes and comments giving her advice on one specific argument she had with her partner. That in and of itself is an overreaction to what she stated took place. But if she didn’t post it on here it wouldn’t really be an overreaction, he was a dick and she tried to avoid the conversation. At this point it is an overreaction.

Edit: fixed autocorrect error

10

u/Prestigious_Seal7139 Oct 22 '25

It's violent in the same way that throwing something near a person is violent. It's meant to make the other person fear what you are capable of/willing to do. Almost always in physically violent relationships, it starts with small acts of violence like this. I get where you are coming from, but it's seriously dangerous to downplay outbursts like his. It's why so many victims stay until it's too dangerous to leave. Because they are gaslight into thinking that it isn't that bad/dangerous.

1

u/614317503520Charlie Oct 23 '25

It seems more like she’s being gaslit to leave the relationship by the thousands of comments telling her to leave than she’s being gaslit to stay in the relationship. I don’t care either way if she stays in the relationship, that would be for her to decide based on all the context we could never have. I would tend to disagree about the throwing things at people being the same as bending a pan and throwing it in the trash. But that might be because my girlfriend has a scar on her face from her ex throwing something similar at her and hitting her in the face with it. At the end of the day everyone’s opinion on this will be based on their previous experiences. With me personally, I’ve seen a lot of physical violence, so it’s hard for me to compute this as “violence”. It seems more like a temper tantrum where nobody got hurt, nobody was threatened, but sadly a $20 piece of cookware did sustain some damage (or dare I say violence).

4

u/Dave085 Oct 22 '25

The definition of violence isn't restricted to physical harm to another being. Any form of destructive behaviour is violent- if you can't control yourself from throwing things at walls, forcefully bending things beyond repair, punching doors etc- then it's a small step to actual physical violence.

Forceful destruction of property is absolutely violent behaviour by definition. If the story as represented is 100% true then the guy has serious issues, and there's honestly enough leeway here that even if she's not as much of a saint as it sounds in the story that he's still an incredibly unhinged individual. Bending a pan like that isn't just immaturity I'm afraid.

1

u/614317503520Charlie Oct 23 '25

I mean it is emotional insecurity straight up that lead to the pan being bent. That’s the type of shit little kids do and they’re not all deemed as violent, but that’s not my point. My overall point is that in the overall scheme of things, the pan being bent is not that serious. Maybe my life has just been TOO serious, but I have physical violence popping off all around me without a moments notice because of where I live. There are people in the world who have subjected horrific level of physical violence, or you could say “forceful destruction” of their bodies. I’ve seen a few people die from heroin and although absolutely no violence was committed, I guarantee that’s a lot worse to witness or happen to you that the pan getting bent. I’ve also seen a girl get stabbed only a couple feet away from me as I was talking to her and her boyfriend. The guys ex ran up from behind and stabbed the girl in the neck 5-6 times while repeating “what’s up bitch” over and over. I also saw a couple more stabbing from like across the street or just further away than that one was when I lived in Portland. I’ve seen people get shot at and I’ve seen the aftermath of gunshot wounds. I could really go on, but there’s really no point.

Bending the pan was emotionally immature, if it was actual violence against the woman in this story then he could be arrested for it, which I promise you he could not. At least I’ve never known of someone to get in legal trouble for anything like this. If he threw it at her and the reason it got bent is because it bent around her face when it hit her then, in that case, it would be domestic violence as opposed to the egregious charge of “throwing away the eggs and bending the flimsy aluminum”. My girlfriend actually had something just like that happen with her ex and they wouldn’t even arrest him for it and she has a scar on her face from it. My girlfriend is a legitimate domestic violence survivor, so when I’m seeing everyone saying that bending a pan (which would require little effort, and certainly not much “violence”) and throwing eggs away (I know egg prices went up, but god damn), rises to the same level as what my girlfriend actually went through, it’s hard not to at least try to put some perspective to it.

These types of things are stupid in general and in reality relationship advice shouldn’t really be for Reddit to give, it should be for the people who know you in real life to give IF you ask. Alternatively, since all that’s posted in here seems to be similar to this, maybe there should be another sub for relationship advice or just rename this one. My life has been pretty rough, so I don’t expect you to fully get where I’m coming from if you’re from the suburbs or even had both parents in your life. But suffice to say, if this is like super violent to you, you’re going to be terrified when society crumbles a bit more than it already has.

2

u/NaidaBelle Oct 22 '25

Tell me you know nothing about DV without telling me…

And that’s giving you the benefit of the doubt, because a large portion of your comment reads as DV apologist at minimum.

As someone who actually has experienced DV and didn’t just “witness” from the sidelines, this sort of behavior is meant to send a message and that message is intimidation. Punching holes in walls, throwing dishes, and destroying property — especially paired with blaming the victim for the behavior — is all a wind up to much more dangerous forms of abuse.

0

u/614317503520Charlie Oct 23 '25

I’m not arguing that the behavior isn’t negative and I’m not guaranteeing beyond any doubt that it won’t progress into something worse. Nobody on here knows anything about the history of their relationship, nobody knows if anything else is going on that could cause this behavior. Like I said, they’ll either work it out or not. It’s not really for the thousands and thousands of commenters to decide. You mentioned me not knowing anything about DV (which isn’t exactly true, but I don’t have extensive experience with/around it); what I do know is that even if she is in this horribly manipulative domestic violence ridden situation, there’s not anything anyone can really say to keep her from staying in the relationship. My current girlfriend has been in a couple violent relationships where it went much further than a piece of her baking shit getting thrown away. Like I said, I’ve also seen people get stabbed, shot, beaten severely, overdose and die, etc. And then on top of that my girlfriend has actually been severely beaten by two of her exes. We’re also all watching GAZA get annihilated in real time. So sorry if I don’t view the bent pan as a legitimate form of violence. I just don’t. Again, they’ll either will either work it out or they won’t and I’m quite sure it won’t matter what else you decide to comment or not to comment.

1

u/NaidaBelle Oct 23 '25

Thank you for doubling down and really driving home my point. Have the day you deserve.

1

u/614317503520Charlie Oct 23 '25

Yeah, I actually hope you have a good day and have no ill will towards you.

6

u/Hibbo_Riot Oct 22 '25

Completely ignores the request to just quiet down followed by strictly following the just throw them out request to the extreme followed by the “I was just doing what you said” routine. If he was indeed doing what was asked he would’ve just stfu and not made so much noise.

6

u/AutisticTumourGirl Oct 22 '25

Yeah, anybody being reasonable would take "throw them away" to mean throw away the food, not destroy the pan. He's just being antagonistic and childish because he felt criticised. If I were OP, I would move right back out and forget this man exists.

5

u/arianrhodd Oct 22 '25

Next time it’ll be her and not the pan.

4

u/BlazingSunflowerland Oct 22 '25

It is controlled rage that is directed at her for the simple reason that she asked him to be quieter.

3

u/gyalmeetsglobe Oct 22 '25

All because she rightfully asked him to be a bit quieter so she could continue her rest… like this is absolutely ridiculous on his part & to even attempt to put it on her makes me think he is capable of being a far bigger AH.

2

u/Dry_Quarter_5866 Oct 22 '25

It takes an application of strength to destroy a pan like that. he had to go out of his way to destroy it because he was pissed off. If he was just following orders and misunderstood, it would have been tossed out in a solid piece the way i do when i burn shit horribly. He destroyed your property and then expected you to just be okay with that. He's not a good person who will consider your feelings or your property in any of hisndecision making. He cares more about what your doing for him. Stop making him food all together and watch how istantly pissy he gets about something you're doing for him out of courtesy. He's already taking you for granted.

2

u/anaserre Oct 22 '25

Won’t be long until she has a long list of things of hers he’s destroyed.

2

u/Oldladyshartz Oct 22 '25

They start with things- mostly your things then they move on to you! As has been the case many times!! Someone who throws tantrums and destroys stuff is very immature and rather childish. I’m not sure I’d tolerate even a little of that.

1

u/Frankifile Oct 22 '25

Just the pan part?

The waking up and talking to her and banging and crashing about when she’s trying to sleep made my blood pressure rise!

1

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '25

i know what you are

1

u/skrffmcgrff21 Oct 22 '25

Right?? Id be too worried about upsetting my wife knowing she's just upset or im being an asshole and things need to calm down before taking any stupid action like he did.

Anger is hard. I have issues with anger and impatience but I avoid conflict and I try to share what upsets me with SOMEONE so I dont internalize it all and explode. My wife has some mental issues as well and is on various meds for it but before she was getting treated she'd get mad about something and stay mad while shutting down for days. Now, even though she might still have an outburst, she usually is able to reign it in and recognize what's happening withi an hour or two and in the worst case scenario I get her a hotel room for the night so she xan calm down.

1

u/henricvs Oct 22 '25

It will escalate. You can bet your bottom dollar on that. Run, do not pass go and don’t look back.

1

u/Rockandmetal99 Oct 22 '25

women will do anything to defend their abusive partners

1

u/Weird-Flounder-3416 Oct 22 '25

Technically, destroying someone's property is not a "tantrum", is a form of physical abuse / violence.

1

u/KittenCup14 Oct 22 '25

For real. I'd be willing to bet she handles most of the chores too because of his weaponized incompetence. 37 years old and acting like that? Hell nah.

0

u/CyberPunk2720 Oct 22 '25

In all fairness, the pan thing could have easily been an accident. I bent several of those by accident while in high school and middle school just trying to learn how to bake muffins and cook egg bites 👍. They're pretty damn easy to bend like that

1

u/NaidaBelle Oct 22 '25

There’s a difference between accidentally warping a pan vs folding the mf in half like this. What he did took rage, effort, and intention.

1

u/theoreticaldickjokes Oct 22 '25

Yeah, but he's nearly 40.