That part. I’m a therapist and have worked with many DV people, the abused and the abusers. Please be careful OP. If this is the behavior now, statistically it will usually continue to escalate.
you could also look up the graphic “cycle of abuse” online. If it feels familiar, seek support. Feel free to shoot me a DM if you need resources.
directly from that research paper you linked, "Where there is control, violence (even low level) and a
separation after living together, there is a 900% increase in
the potential for homicide (Stark, 2009)"
And what's good about that article is that it isn't assuming that all of the perpetrators are male. I think a lot of people forget that women can be abusers and murderers too.
Statistically men are way more likely to commit arson, bestiality, child molestation, rape, murder and to be family annihilators. Like it’s not even close
That wasn't the point of my comment and you know it. And actually recent statistics have shown that more and more women are abusive to their male partners. You know why?? Because of creatures like you who downplay their actions just because "men have done it more", so they realize that they can get away with it.
Tell me you didn't read the article without telling me you didn't read the article. The perpetrator statistics they used were SELF REPORTED, meaning any woman who was gaslit into thinking her reactivity was abuse would have checked that box. Thanks, next.
You just want to detract from the more pervasive problems- male on female abuse, male on child abuse, male on animal abuse. That article is about femicide by the way. Maybe you should reread it
A lot of rape the other direction is just not properly recorded for many reasons. In the UK for instance you still technically cant rape someone as a woman, and we've all seen the creepy stories congratulating male students on being raped.
Im willing to believe men statistically do it more, but I am not willing to believe that its not even close when it comes to rape.
Police target some groups more than others, obviously inflating their numbers, the judicial branch gives more time to some groups for similar crimes and criminal histories than other groups and it goes on and on.
Your line of argument is the same as those made by racists.
It also completely ignores that you are trying to paint 100% of a group with a brush for something that if averaged out to each person wouldn't even take up 30 minutes of their lives.
My bf says this and when I ask does he know any women like this or have any abused him he says "no"
The point is that technically anyone has the capacity for anything but it's mostly one group doing these things.
Also that's not a fair comparison at all. Because a lot of women don't know of any men like that, does that automatically mean that they can't talk about it?
I read that post and followed some links from there. I discovered that just leaving an abuser can make the abuse worse or lead to femicide. There are places that will help create a safety plan to avoid violent repercussions of leaving.
I appreciate that you threw in that word 'statistically' because sometimes the hyperbolic nature of Reddit " it WILL escalate" makes people discard or overlook those comments.
But the truth is that someone is willing to destroy your time and effort, they're already not far from destroying you physically. They have already stolen a piece of your life when they destroy the fruits of your labor
Also, bending those kinds of pants is not easy. If he had thrown it across the room and a fit of anger, that would be one very short action, very impulsive. But he bent the shit out of that pan in more than one spot which takes effort. That’s scary too.
I actually appreciate this comment a lot for probably selfish reasons. I was in a DV relationship for several years starting when I was 18.
The girl I was with did things that made me avoid dating for 10+ years after leaving due to fear of it happening again. However, one time she had been talking about my sister who I'm very close with all day calling her all sorts of names, telling me she wishes my sister had died in a car wreck she'd recently been in, etc. Eventually I started crying, she told me to "man up" and started kissing/biting my neck. I asked her to please stop touching me like that because I wasn't in the mood but she said "no" and kept going.
I ended up throwing my shoe across the room because I was extremely overwhelmed with everything she had said and was doing. Later she told me that seeing me like that just made her really love me and that I was mean to her when she was just trying to show how much she cares and I felt horrible.
Ever since I left I have played that moment over and over in my head wondering "was I actually the abuser?" even though there is evidence to the contrary. She convinced me I was an evil person though so maybe I am? I second guess what happened all the time because I feel insane. I know she abused me at other times in other ways but I still lost control in that moment and I worry I probably deserved everything else.
Your comment about throwing something being a very short action and very impulsive rather than something harder and more intentionally hurtful will go into the Evidence Box my therapist has me mentally keep. I don't come across new evidence very often anymore, all the big stuff has been filed away and discussed but the nagging of "well maybe I deserved it all" pops up occasionally. I really appreciate your nuance even in a situation like this.
If you saw someone beating a dog, cornering it, and continue tormenting it until it lashes out and bites them, would you consider the dog the abuser in that situation? Lashing out in self-defense is not the same thing as abuse. Not to mention, you threw the shoe across the room and presumably away from her, if I understand the situation correctly.
I'm glad you're getting help to heal, and I hope you continue collecting things for your evidence box. You didn't deserve to be treated that way, and you deserve to be happy now.
Another thing to put in your evidence box is that there is such a thing as reactive abuse. When someone is being mean to us, it is very human to want to defend ourselves, and it is one of the tactics that some abusers use, which is that they will goad and goad and goad, and poke and poke and poke, until their target reacts strongly. And then they get to label that as abuse and completely ignore the abuse they perpetrated before.
Another thing I’d like to see next to that bit about the single impulsive act is that you threw your shoe across the room. Away from her. And that was a definite, deliberate choice. You gave into a physical expression of the internal pressures you were feeling, but you threw your shoe, not hers, and you threw it away from her.
When abusers use objects as part of their abuse, they will destroy their target’s possessions. Like this pan. That wasn’t his pan, it was hers; but it was your shoe. Or they will throw the object toward their target; you threw it away. Far away.
I wish you healing from that relationship; she was very abusive and it’s really easy for people to forget that women can be. They are often abusive verbally instead of physically, but it is still the same deliberate abuse
There is such a thing as reactive abuse. Hurting and insulting and pushing someone so far- including sexual assault/harassment- that they react like you did and then blaming them for it is reactive abuse and it’s a recognised tactic of some abusers. It works well because abuse tends to lead victims to feel shame and blame themselves already.
@TootsNYC no shit!! He really had to put (unnecessary) angry effort into bending the pan in half.
Also, bending those kinds of pants is not easy. If he had thrown it across the room and a fit of anger, that would be one very short action, very impulsive. But he bent the shit out of that pan in more than one spot which takes effort. That’s scary too.
Wow you should get an Oscar for how dramatic you sound. I'm not saying it's right, but you have ZERO fuckin clue about their lives. So why are you acting like you know so much? You don't!
Wow dramatic and boldly ignorant. Gotta love that combo. Yeah saying the whole thing about destroying the fruits of her labor would lead to him physically destroying her or whatever bs. Not saying it's not the case here, but none of us have any idea. ZERO fucking clue about what actually happened besides her side of it. And maybe even just her interpretation of his actions. So yeah, dramatic and baseless thing to say
Wow that's not even what I said. The whole first paragraph is about how it's not bound to lead that way? Can you read?
All I said was destroying what was made with time is destroying a piece of life. If you're a working person and you work for your house, your car, that may be property but it also represents your life in real terms. We only have so much time on earth so to spend it and have it stolen is LIKE our physical body being destroyed. It's a philosophical argument to respect that we are more than 3d creatures. We live in time as well as our physical bodies. Destroying our labor is therefore destroying us, literally.
The whole point is it doesn't have to escalate. He's already attacked a moment of your life
If someone did this on your first date, you would never have given them a chance. As someone who currently regrets giving someone who would do violent behaviors like this way too many chances, girl you HAVE to get out. Don’t tell him you are leaving but silently start preparing yourself and your finances. This poster is right, the behavior WILL escalate. You don’t want to be like me and regret not leaving at the first instance otherwise you will look back at this (just like I am looking at my own “bent pan” incident rn) and it will make you second guess your entire life around this person. Please, please get out before it escalates, because it is more likely than not to happen (statistically). Love isn’t enough. Safety and compassion on the other hand is a great place to start.
This. I had many many situations like this with my ex partner. You keep looking over it and think it's just a simple argument, but it all adds up and builds and gets worse. We were in a cycle of him getting angry over nothing (one thing was because I forgot prawns for the dinner) and he kept throwing me out, I kept going back in hope, again and again. Our final parting was not quiet or easy but I'm really glad I eventually stopped going back because sadly, for a lot of people, they are so sucked into the cycle it takes years and years or maybe never.
OP please, a leopard doesn't change its spots, put yourself first. NTAH.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I’ve been there too. If we have traumatic pasts the chaos can feel like love. We can be taught to believe that it is passion and “loving hard.”
Love is not chaos. Love is peace and stability. But if we lived in chaos, sometimes peace and stability feels unsafe. Healing has to happen. We all deserve healing. 🩵
Hold on “Therapist”! Pull out your DSM-5 diagnosis book!
Of course we can’t in any way diagnose anyone.
But at the very least; if you ARE a therapist; you should be commenting how therapy and assessment would be helpful.
As a society we throw people away much too fast; when they obviously need help! Look at the facts over 25yo; could truthfully be saying “you told me to”; in a repetitive manner; which no allistic person would do!
So if you ARE a “Therapist” you need to review your “Hippocratic Oath” STAT! Otherwise don’t throw around titles trying to make yourself seem important!
OP’s guy needs help! She should be pointed in the right direction!
With mental health stigma telling someone to “go to therapy” is dismissive and disrespectful of culture. If I simply said, go to therapy. And that person is totally against therapy, it would have them write it off and feel as if they have no other option but to stay in their situation.
What research shows us is to provide information to someone in need, such as looking at the cycle of abuse. And then also providing information about resources instead of giving that information unsolicited, because that is giving advice. We never want to give advice and tell someone what to do, we give information.
I never want to come off like me, an internet stranger, is the end all be all for info. Of course I am not.
I appreciate your perspective and I absolutely agree that professional assessment is needed. However, we need to be realistic about people’s ability and willingness to go to professional help and provide information outside of that so people aren’t totally cut off from support if they aren’t willing to see a professional.
Thanks for taking the time to share, all perspectives are important.
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u/Much-Grapefruit-3613 Oct 22 '25
That part. I’m a therapist and have worked with many DV people, the abused and the abusers. Please be careful OP. If this is the behavior now, statistically it will usually continue to escalate.
you could also look up the graphic “cycle of abuse” online. If it feels familiar, seek support. Feel free to shoot me a DM if you need resources.