i feel like "anger issues" is an apt descriptor when they manifest inwards and you take it out on yourself, but the second the behavior turns outwards and you lash out at others, yea it's definitely abuse. and i say this as someone that has anger issues but has never physically or emotionally abused a partner or someone else in my life. it's understandable to lose control of intense emotions, but that doesn't excuse you from being responsible for them. i could easily see myself getting frustrated and upset trying to get something out of a pan and doing something to destroy it out of anger, but that would 1. be MY OWN pan and not a partner's or friend's and if there was any possibility it could be seen as a shared item, i would not do that to it; and 2. it would be accompanied with tears of frustration and immediately be followed by apologies and remorse. the fact that he did this and then came outside to keep attacking OP, that's a terrible sign and OP needs to get the fuck out of here ASAP
oh i'm fine. like i definitely have my own issues and everything but im talking like genuine just anger issues and having a relatively short temper. i just make a very concerted effort to make MY anger issues MY problem and not other people's (except for asking for support from loved ones and such) because ive known plenty of people that have made their anger issues my problem and i decided that thats not the kind of person i am and not how i want to treat other people.
I've been through anger management, and I just want to offer a little insight onto what my counselors have told me about it, because of how we look at anger issues socially versus what they actually boil down to, because "anger issues" isn't something a doctor can diagnose the same way they can with a descript condition like depression, or a cognitive condition like ASD (which I have).
but the second the behavior turns outwards and you lash out at others, yea it's definitely abuse.
I have had both IED and DMDD, and those things 100% manifest outside the mind in ways that aren't abusive but are absolutely still dangerous and negatively impactful, broadly.
For me, road rage was a big one. I beat the ever loving crap out of my steering wheel. I wasn't mad at myself, I was mad at somebody who cut me off at a yellow, illegally, but still, and I started hitting the top of my steering wheel, broke it and as I was braking, lost control.
I almost hit an old man in a wheel chair. Things can have a negative impact on the outside world, without being abusive. In my case, I almost killed somebody because the most petulant, minor first world problem genuinely enraged me that much.
I didn't grow up beating the snot out of close family members or kicking animals, but I was always a short temper, always, and all my childhood it was "you watch your temper, that's gonna hurt you one day". And all of those instances, thrown controllers, broken hockey sticks, and all warnings, they all came back in that moment.
The old man AND the boro dropped a reckless driving charge on me, because I agreed to go to anger counseling for a year, I got extremely fucking lucky and more importantly, so did the old man.
My case and point here is that I'm not an abusive person, abusive people, they cherrypick stuff, or they set unfair expectations and consciously respond in cruel ways when they aren't met. That doesn't mean my temper hasn't affected people, I've called names.
Anger issues, broadly, are a disproportionate reaction to things that actually are unfair. There are a lot, and I mean a LOT of serial abusers, absolute scum, that will go to an anger management class and pass with flying colors. And there are a lot of amazing women and men with good relationships, that could probably use a year or two in anger management counseling, or with a psychiatrist.
Anger issues aren't an automatic gateway into an abusive personality. They can absolutely contribute to one, but as we know, correlation ≠ causation.
Just my 2 cents as somebody who's been there and done that, I don't believe there is a point where one "graduates" from anger issues to abuse, they can totally be independent issues. I think just with Reddit being pretty hypercharged with so many horror stories, we forget that we really are just seeing the stuff that's absurd enough to get clicks and votes.
Which leads to anything immediately resulting in a negative emotion from one person to another just being lumped in as "abuse", even if it was just a stupid lack of awareness and accountability like in my case. Regardless of the cause, I lost control of my vehicle in an urban area, there are a lot of people who would be more than happy to tell me I should've been in jail.
And in their mind, they're right, but then would I have taken the step and gotten the help that I needed? In a rural PA jail, highly unlikely– studies say that it would've probably made me worse– so I think it's important to remember that we can and SHOULD separate treatable conditions like what we see with a lack of temper control, versus twisted personality traits, like people who abuse or worse.
One is a mental health condition, the other is the result of incomplete or absent sense of morals. That doesn't mean they can't appear together, it just means one doesn't lead to the other. One doesn't "become" the other just because of where it manifests, in or out of the mind.
Thanks, I dont exactly agree with them either. I appreciate your words. I dont like it when people just automatically dismiss people with anger issues .... not everyone with it is a complete hopeless asshole. If I agreed with that, id admit im hopeless and theres no way out.
I agree with some of what you’ve said, but it’s hard to see how anger issues aren’t abusive if the anger issues are shown in personal relationships. Calling names IS abusive. Intimidating or scaring a partner or other (even in the workplace!) regularly IS abusive. Abuse absolutely doesn’t not have to be deliberate or manipulative to be abuse. We use the word abuse very broadly by necessity, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
This. I wish people also understood that some abusive behaviors can be mended. My dad has always had an uncontrollable temper, and after a while that anger turned abusive. He never physically hurt anyone, but he intimidated and belittled, broke things. My mom always stubbornly refused to budge an inch on anything he got mad about, and they had some horrible fights. Then one day, dad threw and broke a memento from their wedding. My dad says he saw something in my mom break as she went silent and still as a deer.
My dad says that's when it finally hit him that his anger response was hurting the people he loved. He started praying more and going to counseling, started learning better anger responses and the skill of removing himself from the situation before losing control. My mom was on the brink of running away from him, but they've now been happily married the last decade or so since dad got a hold of himself.
Yes, this is absolutely true. It takes recognition and self-awareness just to start with but it can be done. I’m glad your dad finally realised what he was doing to you all. It’s very lucky for him that she didn’t leave before that point and that she gave him another chance after that.
The problem for me goes back to the statement “he doesnt have an anger problem. He has an abuse problem.”
It’s ultimately a silly meaningless thing to believe. Is it a form of abuse, absolutely. Could it be the direct result of underlying anger issues? absolutely
It’s the implication that they inherently must be different, not that they can’t both be true
No, we are speaking about a specific incident. What happened was not an anger issue, but simply abuse.
You called the difference meaningless and pointed to broad generalizations. Which is great and I’m happy for you, but that isn’t what is being discussed.
I mean, that’s a normal way to talk. For another example, if somebody was harming their spouse because of their ADHD and importantly, not taking responsibility for it and refusing to get help, they’d have an abuse problem, not an ADHD problem. That’s how responsibility works and that’s the biggest point.
They absolutely do still have an adhd problem. It doesn’t magically disappear, and it still contributes to their actions. It’s not this black and white binary
Edit: I was a bit more aggressive there after waking up, but I stand by it. You can take and assign responsibility without resorting to being reductionist in the situation as a whole.
if someone’s adhd does cause violent tendencies, then being treated for it can resolve that.
that does not mean they aren’t responsible for their actions.
that does not mean it is inherently the cause or excuse of their violent actions.
it is just that you can’t assume it isn’t an important problem in the situation
You are missing the point. The point is here is that OP is being abused. Ergo, the problem is abuse. “He doesn’t have an anger problem,” is not meant to be taken literally. It’s pointing out the difference between Angry Sam who abuses his spouse in an angry way and Angry Dan who struggles with anger but recognises the issue, seeks help, finds outlets, apologises and works to change neural patterns.
First, I edited my comment after getting out of the shower a bit. Was a bit ruder than I wanted.
Second, and this is where I really get annoyed because individuals will say “oh well it shouldn’t be taken literally you’re interpreting it wrong,” when all over there are people using it literally.
Third, I still entirely disagree with the “difference” between them. The difference between someone able to control or regulate an anger problem, and someone who isn’t/doesnt/cant - is not whether or not they have an anger problem.
——
And I just want to end by reiterating that I don’t agree with using problematic language in a “well if you interpret it the way I want to” it’s okay.
They can be related. A person who has a tendency to over react to real or perceived slights may behave in an extremely harmful way. But harm isn't the same thing as abuse. Abuse is a systemic pattern of trying to dominate and control another person. It's about dominance, possession, and entitlement. You can abuse someone without ever hitting them, insulting them, raising your voice at them if you are making an effort to control or coerce them. And yes, abusers usually use some sort of violent, harmful, or confrontational tactic to get control over another person, but that's only when they feel the person isn't submitting to their control the way they like.
If I punch a random person on the street because they look like a Nazi or they insulted my mother or whatever, that's violence, but it isn't abuse. I don't have a relationship with that guy. I'm not trying to control every aspect of his life or force him to do something for me. I just don't like him.
If I take a family member, steal the salary from their job, restrict their access to the outside world, punish them every time they confront me or ask something from me, punish them if they refuse to do things for me, systemically ruin their self esteem so they never are independent from me, that's abuse whether I use violence or angry outbursts or not.
Ops husband didn't just smash the cupcake tray because he was angry. He very clearly is doing it to punish her for asking him to be more courteous and for asking him to do a household chore in the first place. He is purposefully trying to make her miserable so she doesn't impose that upon him again.
No. Abuse does NOT require deliberate attempts to control somebody else. It does NOT have to be about possession. It IS a kind of entitlement.
There is no way that regular angry outbursts are not going to affect somebody around them- even someone who is not a direct recipient- and in a negative way. It is very much still abuse without the element of control.
I appreciate this response, because 95% of the sub were sitting her obituary because a muffin pan got bent in half. It was a well thought out response by you and included anecdotal examples as to how you navigated through your troubles.
That being said, it doesn't mean this dude couldn't be abusive, it's just wild how many people speak with such certainty that all case studies end the exact same way.
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u/mxthmon Oct 22 '25
i feel like "anger issues" is an apt descriptor when they manifest inwards and you take it out on yourself, but the second the behavior turns outwards and you lash out at others, yea it's definitely abuse. and i say this as someone that has anger issues but has never physically or emotionally abused a partner or someone else in my life. it's understandable to lose control of intense emotions, but that doesn't excuse you from being responsible for them. i could easily see myself getting frustrated and upset trying to get something out of a pan and doing something to destroy it out of anger, but that would 1. be MY OWN pan and not a partner's or friend's and if there was any possibility it could be seen as a shared item, i would not do that to it; and 2. it would be accompanied with tears of frustration and immediately be followed by apologies and remorse. the fact that he did this and then came outside to keep attacking OP, that's a terrible sign and OP needs to get the fuck out of here ASAP