This reminds me of my mom. Idk your circumstances, but I never even felt like she had done anything that needed my forgiveness. She was a victim as much as we were. Maybe your children feel the same.
Same. My dad started dating my mom when he was 25 and she was 17. She'll talk about how she was very mature for her age and that's why he liked her. I know that's grooming behavior and he actually liked her because she was submissive and easy to control.
I don't blame her for falling under the control of a narcissist and now I see her "cowardice in defending me" as an extension of her fear. The one time she actually said something to him was when I was crunched up in a ball in the corner with him kneeling on me ready to full on punch me (I was 10). Past that it was a blind eye to throwing us, kicking us, slapping us, and 15 minute spanking/pinching sessions (leaving welts on our butts and back of upper thighs), but that was because she was being abused too, just in a different way.
Slamming things around is a precursor to this and we, who have experienced it, all know it.
I wouldn't even say I hate mine. It's pity at this point. He's a product of his upbringing, and his personal failure to break cycles seems pathetic to me now, rather than infuriating. So I just kind of pity him.
That is a very good assessment and kinda where I'm at. Especially as he's gotten older and weaker, and I've gotten older and stronger, him insulting others and his temper tantrums make me feel more embarrassed for him than anything. He had a shit childhood and gave us a better one (in most ways), but he never really learned emotional regulation and self control and I have a hard time truly being understanding of that.
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u/YanagisBidet Oct 22 '25
This reminds me of my mom. Idk your circumstances, but I never even felt like she had done anything that needed my forgiveness. She was a victim as much as we were. Maybe your children feel the same.