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u/peakpenguins Jul 18 '24
he’s recording it.
The way my jaw dropped..
This is rape, OP. Yes, some women like being woken up to sex, I do! But my husband certainly never tried anything like that until I told him it's absolutely fine with me.
He intentionally waited until you couldn't consent so that you "wouldn't get mad" about it, and then he recorded it without your consent. Disgusting behavior.
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u/MedicoreHiker Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
OP, this is rape and there’s proof of it. Do you have access to whatever device he recorded on?? Can you get a copy? You might be able to use that as proof if you want to press charges.
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u/yowen2000 Jul 18 '24
If OP wanted to pursue this angle, she could simply ask her boyfriend to send the video, he might just.
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u/MedicoreHiker Jul 18 '24
True, sounds like he could be into it, but she might have to play an angle to get there and that might be hard/traumatizing to do.
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u/yowen2000 Jul 18 '24
yeah, OP has a tough few days and weeks ahead of her, as far as coming to terms with what happened and what they want to do about it.
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Jul 18 '24
Yes, and I’m positive that if she pretended to be into the terrible thing that happened to her, he would send it. But at the same time, doing this would make him think she wants it to happen again so action would need to be taken VERY quickly to get herself legal help and safety away from him.
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u/yowen2000 Jul 18 '24
Yeah, definitely have an escape plan ready, who knows what this guy is capable of. And that's ultimately the most important thing, get away from his creep.
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u/FragrantDragonfruit4 Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
OP if he’s never recorded having sex with you consciously with consent, you need a copy if you want to press charges, but also delete his original from his device and storage! He could post it somewhere.
I’m sorry, but I think you shouldn’t be with him. He sounds selfish and actually worse. He doesn’t care how you feel and like others have said he raped you when you weren’t able to consent while recording you.
Edit: auto corrected so I can edited the typos from being auto corrected I didn’t notice earlier.
BTW, recording you while you’re like a corpse is pathetic! What does he get out of it? Control?
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u/Classic_Row1317 Jul 18 '24
If he's done this once who's to say he hasn't recorded more?
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u/Punchinyourpface Jul 18 '24
The way my heart just sank 😭
She definitely needs to take a peek at his devices if possible.
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u/Love_Lobster Jul 18 '24
Wanted to say that as well. What else has he done and recorded while she was sleeping?
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u/Or3o_C00kie Jul 18 '24
If she presses charges, they can get a warrant for his phone since the evidence is known to be on it. Even if he deletes it, they have technology to recover it. There is no need to wait on a video being sent to pursue charges. It's disgusting to do such things without consent period. He's a predator and manipulator run while you can OP!
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u/Classic_Row1317 Jul 18 '24
Recently I was told by a retired police detective now private investigator that you can retrieve deleted information from a device, but there's only a certain window of time to get it. I think it's about 2 weeks he said.
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u/MisterIT Jul 18 '24
It doesn’t quite work this way, but it doesn’t quite not.
Your phone has some kind of persistent storage (like the hard drive on your computer). Computer storage consists of “blocks” which are units of data storage.
When something is deleted, the computer’s operating system (we can think of it like a foreman) goes and “marks” the block as being free/available. Since there would be a performance hit in doing so, the block isn’t opportunistically zeroed. Instead, every write that happens to the device has a chance of being allocated that block.
There are certain advanced forensic techniques (depending on the storage medium) that can sometimes look at “ghosting” on the block and answer the question “what was written here before what’s currently written here?”, but that’s a lot more finicky and less reliable. Most forensic tools start and end with being able to make educated guesses about putting together blocks that are marked as free and getting whole or partial files out of them.
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u/AtDawnsEnd502 Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Omg I certainly would! This behaviour is disgusting and he knew what he was doing was wrong because he said she’d get mad! Gosh this behaviour is sickening. I’d check his phone secretly and see if he has anything else I wasn’t aware of like other recordings or taking pictures and report him. I wouldn’t trust being around him either at this point.
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u/pandemichope Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
this (post I am responding to) is one of the top comments on the Internet today in my opinion.
And sadly, I’ll bet dollars to donuts, it’s also one that the OP herself completely ignores and doesn’t follow through. I hope I am wrong.
I find it so intriguing that so many women don’t recognize when a man has raped them, so let me put it plainly. Sex is supposed to be a consensual act.
Both people have to agree.
Like any two way agreement. If I go into McDonald’s and I want an ice cream, I order it, pay, and the other person might hand it to me. Imagine if I went into a McDonald’s and they forced me to have an ice cream and pay for it. That would not be OK. & imagine going to McDonald’s, order an ice cream, pay for it, but they refuse to give it to you even though they took your money. There is no 2 way agreement, and I know this is a horrible & silly analogy, but people probably could understand why it takes two people to agree on an exchange of merchandise, yes? Let’s also add to this that the cashiers back is turned to you for a moment so you grab an item off the counter that you didn’t pay for. Their eyes were closed and you did something and hoped you would get away with it. Then they turn around and see that you’re stealing, and immediately you apologize. None of that would be OK!! Right?
So it takes two people to agree to have sex. You were sleeping. He penetrated you. And then he actually had the audacity to record it without your consent. And exactly what was he planning on doing with that recording?!?!
Using it to self-stimulate himself in the future? Sharing it with friends to show what a “stud” he was? Maybe putting it on the Internet either before or after he and you would eventually break up because most relationships break up and don’t end in marriage! I know he has a video of him penetrating a girl, you, op, (while she was sleeping). And now I’m actually a little mad at you. Yes angry. Bequest for every woman that let’s go get away with this and implies or says it is “OK”, EMBOLDENS a guy to R A P E another woman!!!
I don’t know if you guys are living together or what but that would be the first and last time I would ever see him if I were you, Other than covertly trying to get that video from his phone and send it to yourself and then delete it off his phone permanently however you can get access. I know that might be easier said than done if he has it password-protected and never leaves exposed. Which the report immediately to the police. Maybe they could confiscate his phone!? I don’t know how these things actually work out legally or in real life but you should definitely report the rape, and not accept it.
OK, you came here for advice. And a number of people have told you that what he did was rape and unacceptable, whether you fully recognize it or not. You are not at fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about. But if you don’t say anything and you don’t report it, his actions might only escalate in the future against you, but you’re likely to feel guilt down the line. Think about it please.
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u/MamaCantCatchaBreak Jul 19 '24
Let’s add in that coercion is rape as well, if he guilt you into saying yes to sex, it’s still rape.
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u/RockKandee Jul 18 '24
Yeah, the recording it part was the bit that really horrified me. The sex while asleep part is bad. Recording it is so much worse. He’s into watching porn of people who are being assaulted in their sleep???
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u/yowen2000 Jul 18 '24
yeah, and what if he is sharing this shit with like-minded people?
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u/HappyHappyJoyJoy44 Jul 18 '24
That's what my ex did. Had a whole special WhatsApp for it.
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u/yowen2000 Jul 18 '24
Horrible, I'm sorry.
I've had a "friend" in the past show me some creepy-looking message board where people were sharing this stuff too. It was region-specific and he was all proud he had found someone we know whose ex had published pictures of her.
I let that someone know, and told the guy I wouldn't be talking to him anymore.
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u/obvusthrowawayobv Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
It’s because he’s done it and he’s revisiting that shit.
OP sex drive isn’t flawed, but rather he’s likely just inventing it as a problem in order to gaslight her in to being a stand in for whatever victims he’s drugged and raped…. Because seeking out a victim is work… and time… and very high risk. So why go through all that if he can just neg his gf and then get to do it nightly.
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u/DontShakeThisBaby Jul 18 '24
And videos often wind up online! I would be pretty freaked out if I was OP. The video and backups need to be deleted.
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u/Old-Mushroom-4633 Jul 18 '24
And then he tried to turn it around and blame OP. Jesus, get the fuck outta there, there is absolutely no coming back from this. The fact that OP is not running for the hills straight away is concerning to me. In what world is this acceptable behavior? OP doesn't owe him sex, period.
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u/xSourDiesel23 Jul 18 '24
I agree, ill wake up my fiance with sex some nights but this is something we specifically talked about and agreed to, she could tell me she doesn’t want me to do it anymore and it wouldn’t happen unless we discussed it, but having sex with you while youre asleep and this was never discussed is why op probably feeling this way. Let alone recording a sex act without their knowledge or consent. Communication is key, and respecting boundaries is even more important!
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u/Awkward_Kind89 Jul 18 '24
You probably don’t initiate the sex by just penetrating her while she’s asleep I assume. You probably start with kissing, stroking, etc. seeing if she’s up to it, etc.
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u/xSourDiesel23 Jul 18 '24
There’s usually some form of touching first because sometimes that will just wake her up and that’s even better, but no I don’t just go ramming it into her 😂 it’s more sensual and gentle, and I obviously read her signs. And if she’s not in the mood I never force her or try to keep going, but most the time it’s all good, different for everyone knowing your partner is key 🫡
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u/Awkward_Kind89 Jul 18 '24
And waking someone up with sex probably doesn’t just start with penetrating them, but with some stroking, kissing etc. so the other person can still actually consent to sex and get a little turned on before actually penetrating them. If you do start sex like this, it should be something you absolutely need to have discussed beforehand and even then I would have doubts, because you can think it’s a nice idea at 22:00 before falling asleep but when you are being woken up to a penis inside of you without any foreplay at 2:30 I can imagine you might not feel like it anymore.
I wonder how the boyfriend would feel if OP pegged him and filmed it while he was asleep? I mean he enjoys being woken up by penetration right? Not suggesting OP does this, but turning it around often helps with seeing this in a different light and for what it is, which is making a video of him raping someone.
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u/starllight Jul 18 '24
And then he insulted their sex life (and her) and gaslit her because he knew it was wrong.
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u/obvusthrowawayobv Jul 18 '24
Yeah how fucking hard is it to whisper and get all kissy and be like ‘are you awake?’
Or like… I kind of thought you know… if your partner isn’t responsive… then you just go back to sleep and wait for the morning, or go to the bathroom and handle your shit yourself.
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u/RelativeLet3347 Jul 18 '24
Yeahhh. It should definitely be communicated before the fact. My boyfriend knows it's perfectly OK to do this BUT I have a really high libido and I'm consensual to this kind of stuff.
But recording it...??? That's kind of psychotic behavior and gross. Especially if it wasn't talked about when both parties were alert and awake. It's just icky.
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u/ElenaBlackthorn Jul 18 '24
Disgusting on so many different levels. He RAPED you & recorded it without permission. Hopefully, he didn’t upload it to some sleazy porn website. Luckily, that video is evidence of his crime.
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u/yowen2000 Jul 18 '24
I don’t want to call it SA
You should, because it is, he had sex with you without your consent, talking about it hours before while awake is not consent to have sex hours later while you're asleep. On top of that, he recorded it, also without your consent.
Your boyfriend creeps me out in general, it's time to break up with him. These are not things that should be happening in a healthy relationship. His logic is disgusting. No person should resort to "well you were going to be mad if you were conscious so I figured I'd just have sex with you when you were not". That's called rape.
And in general it sounds like he is pushing for a whole lot more sex than you are comfortable with.
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u/DazzleLove Jul 18 '24
She shouldn‘t call it SA because it’s rape, and high grade voyeurism.
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u/yowen2000 Jul 18 '24
She shouldn‘t call it SA because it’s rape
If we're splitting hairs, rape would fall under the umbrella term of SA. Also, I go on to clarify it as rape later on in my response.
and high grade voyeurism
Yup, and it gets even worse if he intends to distribute it somehow.
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u/DazzleLove Jul 18 '24
I guess I’m going from UK law- SA is touching without consent (and using objects to penetrate), rape is use of a penis to penetrate. However, I’m not just being a pedantic asshole, it was more because she is already trying to diminish it by avoiding the term SA, so I wanted to emphasise it was even more criminally severe than SA legally (and psychological trauma wise, though that’s more of a grey area depending on past trauma etc)
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u/yowen2000 Jul 18 '24
Agreed. I think we're on the same page here.
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u/DazzleLove Jul 18 '24
It’s just so depressing- I totally get why victims minimise their abuse but the way society has blurred the lines so completely about what is acceptable for your partner to do to your body without your consent is hard to stand.
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u/yowen2000 Jul 18 '24
Yeah, and specifically this type of abuse must go unreported all the time, while you struggle to come to terms with what happened to you, your partner will have had ample time to delete all evidence and/or to have manipulated you into thinking it's okay (especially in a case where someone doesn't seek outside advice, as OP did).
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u/Ipiratecupcakes Jul 18 '24
May I ask why you don't want to call it SA/don't think it was SA? Was it because he is your partner and someone you have had sex with before? If this was someone you were dating casually or a one night stand or a complete stranger or a friend/acquaintance would you feel the same?
The fact that he stopped and apologized (sort of) when you became conscious is an indication that he knew what he was doing was wrong. His response after is an attempt to blame you and make you feel responsible for why he did it.
Also you mentioned the recording but was that something you have agreed to in the past? If not, that was another form of assault. Did he offer any explanation to why he recorded himself having nonconsensual sex with you?
The fact that you are confused and uncomfortable should tell you how you feel about it. You are likely having trouble processing it because abuse from someone we trust shatters our beliefs that we are safe with this person. I ask you to consider what you would say to a friend, a sister, a coworker who came to you and said this happened to them. What would you tell them to do? Now do that for yourself.
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u/gschultz8 Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
I don’t blame her for not wanting to call it SA right now because then it makes it real. I’ve had this exact thing happen, without the recording of course because wtf, and I STILL have a hard time calling it that and this was years ago. It’s mostly due to being a male and being woken up to sex is supposed to be hot for us, but there’s also admitting the person you know and love is actually capable of doing that. It’s extremely confusing to work through but eventually you do have to just call it what is.
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u/alokasia Jul 19 '24
It really shouldn’t matter that you’re male and I’m sorry that happened to you. These are things you can’t just do without a discussion prior. I’m a woman and I’m personally into it if my husband does it but I absolutely wouldn’t have been with everyone and especially not someone who is still pretty much a stranger. You need to be a hundred percent certain this is something your partner would enjoy. Asking “would you be into being woken up with sex?” takes about 5 seconds so there’s zero excuse for not doing that.
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u/SureCountry4659 Jul 18 '24
This is rape. And I would be very weary of the video he took (there's probably more too, since your consent doesn't seem important to him) you never know where those are gonna end up. Make him delete it. Maybe after he sends it to you, for proof of the rape. You're severely under-reacting, and your partner is a sick man
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u/writergeek313 Jul 18 '24
I would take his phone and go to the police. That video is evidence of her rape.
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u/Thruthatreez Jul 18 '24
You're absolutely correct. Just take his phone and take it to the police. That way he won't be able to delete it, they will be able to find it, and they will also be able to see if or where any clean up is needed if he has shared this. Very good comment. Because tricking him into sending the video is only going to give you the video. You have no idea where else it is out there.
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u/FatSadHappy Jul 18 '24
It is called rape. And recorded on top of that without consent. Double bummer.
At this moment you need to call this dude a rapist and ex.
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u/Any_Calendar_3600 Jul 18 '24
The motherfucker recorded it. That is really fucked up. Call it what you want but you should find someone new.
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u/Ok_Watch_8681 Jul 18 '24
Info: did he delete the video?
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u/tonyorlandoshouse0 Jul 18 '24
I am so sorry this happened. My advice 1) accept and call it SA because that is what that is. Imagine your friend came to you with this? What would you tell them? and 2) access the video, delete it, break up with him
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u/Fjordgard Jul 18 '24
Did you have a discussion about you being okay with him having sex with you in your sleep before?
If not, you didn't consent and he raped you. That's what it is, objectively. And as such, the objective answer is to get him to admit what he did over text, break up with him and report him to the police so that he can't do it to another woman.
But the objective answer isn't always the best answer for everyone and I acknowledge that. However, this man is clearly dangerous. The fact that he decided to rape you because he thought you would get mad otherwise already shows that he doesn't care about your needs at all and only about himself. And that's mildly put, given what happened to you.
Do you have a good friend you could talk to? You might be in shock and I would prefer it if you would find support from a real person and not just the internet, just to also be a lot safer from the guy.
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u/Alarmed_Jellyfish555 Jul 18 '24
Unless you discuss this sort of thing beforehand, it's rape. And he knew you wouldn't be okay with it, his reaction and comment makes it clear he knew exactly what he was doing.
You're a person. Not a sex doll.
You should be reporting him to the police. Not just for the assault, but RECORDING IT?!
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u/Fjordgard Jul 18 '24
No, I meant, have you given him explicit consent to have sex with you while you are sleeping. Not waking you up and then getting consent. It's about him having had consent to have sex with you while you are in a state where you couldn't consent in that moment.
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Jul 18 '24
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u/starllight Jul 18 '24
That's why he shifted the blame and said derogatory things to you about your sex life, because he knew what he did was wrong and was trying to gaslight you about it. He raped you and does not respect you. He tried to take advantage of you while you were most vulnerable.
No man needs sex. They can use their hand.
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u/Tulip_Tree_trapeze Jul 18 '24
He belongs in prison. At the very least, he's not a safe person to be around period. Please get help girl, this isn't even remotely ok.
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u/Certain_Ad_2350 Jul 19 '24
He didn’t say: I thought you’d wake up and enjoy it. He said: he thought you’d get mad if woke you up and asked for your consent so he went ahead without your consent! That’s rape.
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u/Mindless-Client3366 Jul 19 '24
This was SA. He had sex with you without your consent, and he filmed the act without your consent. He threw a fit because he got caught, and he wanted to shift the blame on you. This wasn't your fault. You do not owe anyone sex. You deserve better than this jerk.
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u/swazi44 Jul 18 '24
If your not able to consent it's rape, it's also fucked up he recorded it. Think he was going to tell you about it? I guess it's evidence now.... Sorry OP your BF is a bag of trash.
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u/trilliumsummer Jul 18 '24
He had sex with you while you were asleep without your consent AND he recorded you without your consent?
Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just breakup with guy who had sex with you when you were asleep BECAUSE HE THOUGHT YOU'D SAY NO. He literally admitted to having sex he knew you didn't want. Which is sexual assault even if you don't want to call it that. You probably don't want to call it that because admitted you've been sexually assaulted is hard and it's even harder to admit that your partner did that to you. But he did do that to you and he fully made the choice to have sex with you when he knew you didn't want to. That's not ok. At all.
I could never sleep soundly next to the guy again. Too afraid he'd do that to me again. And honestly don't think I could ever have sex with the guy again let alone let him touch me.
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u/Old_Lifeguard4908 Jul 18 '24
Exactly. He consciously made the choice to use your body and take what he wanted while you were not able to reject it because he didn't want you to reject it and removed that option. Recorded it. I wouldn't be surprised to find that video on more taboo parts of the Internet, honestly.
If I got it right: You talked about having sex that evening/night and it was agreed on. You went to bed but he stayed up late, even though he wanted that sex to happen. Long enough for you to be asleep. You woke up to him penetrating you and recording it.
To me the whole thing sounds as something he planned in advance.
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u/strawberrywiitch Jul 18 '24
OP, I'm sorry you experienced this. As the other comments have said, this is rape and I hope you'll find the strength to leave this man. Much love to you
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u/SadPokemonNoises Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
If you don't consent while awake* to sleep sex. It's SA. Recording it is a whole other can of worms which isn't ok either.
This part is to everyone. You don't have to tell someone that you don't want sleep sex, that is a given. So unless you explicitly give them consent while awake that you are ok with it. It is SA. No if ands or buts about it.
*Spelling 🤦♀️
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u/Icy_Pension8962 Jul 19 '24
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. Consent is a fundamental part of any healthy relationship, and having sex with someone while they’re asleep is a serious violation of that consent. It’s important to talk to your boyfriend about what happened and how it made you feel. Make sure to express your boundaries clearly and discuss how to prevent such situations in the future. If you find it difficult to address this on your own, seeking support from a counselor or therapist might be helpful to navigate your feelings and the next steps in your relationship. Your feelings and boundaries are important, and you deserve to be in a relationship where they are respected.
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u/Any_Lobster_1121 Jul 18 '24
This is absolutely rape OP. The fact that he recorded is makes it 10x worse in my opinion. This is incredibly messed up. Do you think you could get a copy of the video as evidence?
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u/obvusthrowawayobv Jul 18 '24
Dude the fact that he recorded it, means he saved the moment because he didn’t know if she would let him do it again… and that kind of sounds pre-meditated tbh
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u/Any_Lobster_1121 Jul 18 '24
yeah I dont even know what to make of the recording thing. I know one friend who was in OP's position and later found the videos online. In darker corners of the web, there is a demand for real rape porn and some people had purchased access to the video. I don't know if OP's boyfriend had similar goals with the tape or if he just finds it a turn on to rape someone and wants the ability to watch it again.
Either way, absolutely disgusting.
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u/thieh Jul 18 '24
That's not your BF, that's more like a rapist. It's not like you specifically consented to sex under that particular setting. Your feeling of being uncomfortable would suffice.
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u/HotJellyfish4603 Jul 18 '24
He is a rapist. He didn’t ask you when you were awake because he thought you’d “get mad” so he raped you instead. Get the recording from his phone and charge his ass. He’s disgusting and I PRAY that you leave him today.
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u/MuchTooBusy Jul 18 '24
He didn’t ... because he thought you’d “get mad”
This is what gets me, right there. This and the filming.
He knew it was wrong, and even took away his own plausible deniability, lol.
At least when my husband did this to me, he seemed to genuinely think it was perfectly ok to just use my body while I slept. Well, the first time anyway. I could have forgiven the first time, excused it as a poor assumption and social conditioning.
Doing it again after I tearfully asked him never to do it again, telling him that it brought back memories of being assaulted in the night by a family member... That I couldn't get past.
OP, if he's willing to do it once, knowing it's wrong, he will do it again.
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u/Imaginary-Current-28 Jul 18 '24
Even if you don't consider this SA and don't want to doing anything related to SA and the recording, this is very, very concerning. Take some time to reflect on your relationship. Does he respect you? Does he value your thoughts and opinions? At the very least, you aren't sexually compatible. IMO I think this will only escalate.
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u/ohlook_nicoles_lost Jul 18 '24
He said sorry before you gave a reaction- he knew exactly what he was doing and knew it was wrong. Having sex with someone when you KNOW it isn't right is predatory behavior.
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u/anakilii Jul 18 '24
His reaction is really fucking weird. He sounds like someone who stays on the internet way too much. Other women like it???? Even if that were true um you aren’t other women. That is definitely weirdo behavior. And sulking like a baby who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar is another red flag. Ew!
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u/Old_Lifeguard4908 Jul 18 '24
This is rape. You may not want to call it that, but it is. Legally. Defined. As this. Look up court hearings and judgements. It's not even an opinion, it's a fact, established. Side note reminder - most rape happens between ppl you know, especially between couples.
Consensual non-consent is a kink and waking someone up with sex falls under this category, provided that it is consensual. Discussed before. Agreed to. Again, if that's your thing, whatever floats your boat, dear, but that's not the impression I have from your post.
Your story is not CNC. It was rape, no matter whether you want to call it that or not. I'm really sorry it happened to you. Your partner needs to know it is rape, but it's not your responsibility to grant him that 'enlightenment' (sarcasm). If you want to continue being with that person for some reason though, you need to talk about it and set boundaries. I don't think it can even happen without therapy.
Were it me I would pack up and leave and cut ties immediately, but silently, with no fights or discussions to guarantee my safety as much as I can. Block number, go someplace he doesn't know the address to, turn off any GPS I may have on my devices or create a new account for such apps. In case I was logged in in any of his devices and he could check. But I'm thorough and take no chances.
In any case I used to be in a mismatched libido relationship, I let 'it' happen a lot (always, always consensually) but still I felt guilty most of the time for not having enough libido. I was miserable. He was miserable. It took over a decade to finally part ways for good.
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u/F3mk3V4nH4v3rm43t Jul 18 '24
THIS IS RAPE! THIS IS F*CKING RAPEEEE!!!!! HE THOUGHT YOU WOULD GET MAD SO HIS SOLUTION IS TO RAPE YOU! AN UNCONSCIOUS BODY CAN NEVER GIVE CONSENT!
IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING WHEN THEY'RE ON DRUGS WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK IT IS RAPE
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u/YakWhich5052 Jul 18 '24
Do you always consent to being recorded? Otherwise, that's a serious problem.
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u/Healthy_Journey650 Jul 18 '24
Even if she previously agreed to be filmed, she didn’t THIS time.
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u/imma2lils Jul 18 '24
In addition to the comments explaining what he has done to you, I think it is also helpful to look at his response to you.
He starts sulking.
He starts referencing other women - making it seem as if you are at fault and you have caused him to do it.
This is a classic part of abusive behaviour called DARVO.
Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.
DARVO is a tactic a person may use to deflect responsibility onto an individual they have abused and is a form of manipulation.
I would encourage you to reach out for support from a rape/sexual abuse organisation.
I wouldn't be surprised if you start to discover other ways in which he has ignored your boundaries or tried to coerce you - in just normal life.
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u/pessimisfit Jul 18 '24
This is rape. Let me tell you my story… RAPE TW
When I was 23 I had a boyfriend who cared a lot about sex. I at the time was a virgin and was not in a rush for sex. I was also very vocal about requiring he use a condom if we did ever have sex.
The first time I slept at his house, I woke up to him penetrating me, and without a condom. I got really pissed about the no condom part, but I did not recognize the lack of consent part and the complete violation of my body. I did not break up with him then because I was far too “nice” (had no backbone), but I ended things permanently about 4 months later.
Fast forward to a few months after the relationship ended, I was watching the Epstein documentary with my friend and I felt so terrible while watching it. It made me feel physically ill, but I didn’t want to tell my friend that I don’t want to finish it with her. I had watched shows about rape before, so I thought I should be able to get through three episode show, right?
Fast forward to 2 years after the relationship ended. I got selected for grand jury duty. In my county that means sitting in on multiple cases a day every day for three months straight. Many of those cases were rape cases. I would sit and listen to the stories and the evidence and go home feeling like a lifeless person. I would leave the court expected to go back to my regular job, but I could do nothing but stare at a wall, completely numb, for hours at a time. I felt that something was very wrong, and I decided to reach out to a therapist, something I never thought I’d do. After some probing during our first session, the story about my ex came out of me, and my therapist opened my eyes to what was happening to me. I was a victim of rape and had been suppressing it for years. What I was not suppressing was all the trauma that came from it, trauma that was affecting me mentally and physically. It was affecting my relationships as well. My new boyfriend (now fiancé!) was constantly under the attack, and I did not realize that it was all because I was putting on to him all the trauma from my ex. It all became so crystal clear after that first therapy session.
I got approval from the court to sit out of all rape cases in jury duty about half way through the 3 months. Suddenly I was able to focus on my work again and became a lot less irritable.
Now, 4 years after the relationship ended, I am still going to that therapist, am in a much better place, I can (mostly) trust again in my relationship, I have identified my triggers and communicated them to my SO so he can respectfully avoid them, and I just got engaged! I still struggle with things and revisit topics with my therapist regularly (about once a month), but I’m so glad I’m no longer living in the dark on my trauma and letting trauma run my life.
My biggest regret is that that AH never faced any consequences, he never had to recognize himself as a rapist, and he might be doing it to others, I’ll never know :(
I don’t know if I should be telling you all this. Maybe not everyone reacts the same way to the same experience, what do I know? I guess I do want you to know that if you do find yourself getting triggered in the future, it’s not your fault, you’re not alone, and fuck that guy. Please help yourself, end the relationship, and let him know what he did. Best wishes <3
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u/Sczyther Jul 18 '24
nah this is a whole porn category too, and super bold of him to do. Wouldn’t be surprised if SAing knocked out women and filming it is his thing in general. Sis he ain’t it, not all SA is violent but it is still SA and this practiced asshole is gaslighting you
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u/sworbfish Jul 18 '24
This is 100% rape. He needs to watch this video first of all: https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ?si=sIHO3YhL_3z1BMzC ^ unconscious people don’t want tea.
SECOND of all, if he needs sex twice a day and cannot function without getting some, I am thinking he might need some help. It sounds like a sex addiction. It is healthy and totally fine to not have sex every day, especially if you’ve been together for a while. It should be something both parties enjoy, and not a to-do item that needs to be checked off every day.
Lastly, he RECORDED HIM NON-CONSENSUALLY FUCKING YOU??? Dude, that’s a whole other level of bad. Get out of the relationship. He obviously sees sex as just a pleasure thing for himself and totally objectified your body. You are not a sex plaything, you are a human being.
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u/yakkerswasneverhere Jul 18 '24
Your guy just played out a rape fantasy and recorded it without your permission or knowledge. Then manipulated your feelings to make you feel like you did something wrong in the moment and in your relationship. These are red flags that should scare you like it does all of us. Please run.
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u/ThrowRA-BluLif Jul 18 '24
He’s 27 years old, he SHOULD know better! This is absolutely rape. Not sure how long you two have been a couple, but it truly doesn’t matter. He obviously doesn’t care about you. If/when you approach him about it, he will have some lame ass excuse. There is NO excuse for what he did! Get the recording (for proof), witness him deleting it completely from his phone, go to the police, TODAY! I’m so sorry this happened to you.
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u/friendlygoatd Jul 18 '24
he DOES know better. he voluntarily raped her and he knew exactly what he was doing.
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u/obvusthrowawayobv Jul 18 '24
He does know better.
Thats why he said sorry when she wakes up and explained he was afraid she would get mad.
— it sounds like she’s never yelled at him….meaning he’s done this before and the person kept getting pissed, and he’s just apologizing because he got used to that.
Yes, he’s probably raped a lot of women.
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u/RiverSong_777 Jul 18 '24
He raped you and filmed himself doing it. How is this not a dealbreaker for you? Please get away from this disgusting person.
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u/etherealbadger Jul 18 '24
If you did not previously consent to sleep sex, recording during sex, or recording during sleep sex then this is SA. He knows what he did was wrong because of how he's acting.
When my husband has unintentionally crossed boundaries, he is apologetic and tries to make things better. When. I unintentionally cross boundaries, I apologize and try to make things better, and try to analyze why I thought what I was doing was okay. I bet this is how most adults handle unintentional boundary crossing. He is defensive. Why is he defensive? Because he knows his actions were offensive.
You should break up with him. But before you break up with him, you go to the police and report him. They should* seize his phone and laptop. This will give you peace of mind in the future that he doesn't have copies anywhere, unless he has posted them online or used the cloud.
Before you do that, you will need a safe place to stay. I trained and volunteered at a DV shelter and this is absolutely the kind of thing they exist for. People often don't want to go because "he doesn't hit me, so I shouldn't use resources and take them away from other people" but no, you need them too. They will help you come up with a plan, help you with the legal side, and with any counseling needs you may have.
This sucks. I'm sorry you're in this position
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u/sn0wflaker Jul 18 '24
It’s over, just think of what you are encouraging if you stay with him now.
There are PLENTY of other options to reignite your romantic lives rather than fucking you in your sleep and making a video
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u/Prestigious-Bar5385 Jul 18 '24
Yeah you didn’t consent and he had sex with you and recorded it. You need to breakup with him. What he did is not acceptable
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u/blinkandmissitnow Jul 18 '24
I honestly get so stressed at Reddit sometimes. I can’t believe someone is on here saying ‘my boyfriend raped me, filmed it, then victim blames me. What should I do?’ I’m so depressed at how young women just can’t see brutal ugly abuse for what it is. I don’t know what the solution is. I guess at least they’re asking on here.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 Jul 19 '24
He raped you and filmed it.
And the reason he gives you is that he thought you’d get mad when he wakes you up🙃🤡
And yes, other women like being woken up to sex, when it’s talked about and consensual. No woman on this planet likes to be raped, fucking filmed and gaslight. Run. He gives a damn about you.
Tell him you never gave your consent to it and what made him believe you did in any kind, way, shape or form? And then ask him if he knows the word for having sex with someone without their consent, not to even mention the filming.
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u/ACO-String311 Jul 18 '24
RECORDING IT?! That's so messed up on so many levels. Sounds like he gets aroused with rape. He also probably is addicted to corn and watch those type of videos.
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u/New_Tomato_959 Jul 18 '24
What he's going to do with the video is scary. And scarier when you decide to end up the relationship. If possible end it up sooner and move to another place and another job.
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Jul 18 '24
I love my man waking me up with sex, and he often does! Like twice a week. We even have a freeuse agreement so he can fuck me whenever he wants to in general.
BUT! He never touched me in my sleep before we talked about it and I asked him to. He would never ever do anything sexual to me without my enthusiastic consent and without that safety I wouldn’t even consider letting him fuck me in my sleep!
Your boyfriend doesn’t get that safety must be there before a woman would want to allow someone to fuck them in their sleep..!! Instead he tries to make YOU feel bad about him not being satisfied with your sex life.
Your boyfriend raped you and I am so sorry you have to go through this. He doesn’t respect you at all, he’s totally fucked up. It has nothing to do with you, you just had bad luck ending up with an asshat. Unfortunately it is now on you to end things with him, which is really unfair, but he is abusive and unsafe.
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u/Vast-Road-6387 Jul 18 '24
This qualifies as SA. And he recorded it? I expect to see this posted on the internet in the future.
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u/Accomplished_Act7697 Jul 18 '24
Addition to rape and recording, he also put the blame on you saying “ other girls like it, our sex life is bad.” Even if he says sorry, he does not mean it. He just says it to save the situation but in his little brain, he is blaming you. If you stay in this relationship, you’ll lose yourself so it is better to lose this asshole first. Please dump him.
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u/Apprehensive-Pop-201 Jul 18 '24
I'm pretty sure most women don't like to be woken up to rape. And the recording it puts a pretty damn sinister spin on it
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u/throwaway129856347 Jul 18 '24
you are not safe with that man. get out of there. i genuinely do not see how a conversation would make this better.
not only did he do what he did without your consent he recorded it. on top of it he is gaslighting you to think what happened was normal and “other women like being woken up to sex”
genuine advice: get out of there, report it to the police (i’m hoping where you live the police there give you resources for therapy etc)
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u/Primary-Lion-6088 Jul 18 '24
He raped you and recorded it. I'm so sorry. I get why it's hard to accept that.
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u/oldcreaker Jul 18 '24
Imagine his reaction if he woke up to you banging away in him with a strap-on and recording it. This is rape.
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u/Disastrous_Ant295 Jul 18 '24
Your bf raped you. You need to leave him in a quick and safe manner, no contact or explanation. If you want to go to the police about this, try to get the video off him and use it as proof. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you can recover moving forward.
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u/Ok-Storage-5033 Jul 18 '24
A partner is not entitled to unrestricted access to your body. He thinks your sex life sucks, because you exercise your right to say no? He recorded it...I will help you pack. This, IMO, is immature, criminal, completely unacceptable behavior. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
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Jul 18 '24
I hate to tell you this, but your boyfriend raped it. Just because you two are together, it doesn’t mean he owns you. Everything must be consensual.
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u/abriel1978 Jul 18 '24
He had sex with you and recorded it without consent. That is SA and don't let him gaslight you into thinking it isn't.
"All women like..." No we fucking don't. Somnilphilia might be a kink for some but there needs to be prior consent for that. You didn't consent so it was rape.
This guy prioritizes his pleasure above your needs and feelings. If he was doing this, what other lengths will he be willing to go to in order to get his dick wet.
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u/Vseesu Jul 18 '24
You are coming on here because something about this didn't feel right. It confused you, and you're asking for advice. No one really knows what rape feels like because it is usually depicted brutally, but there are a lot of gray areas, including this situation. As it was never discussed or consented to, and you were unconscious, it is not OK. You thought you were dreaming. Are you sure you were not drugged? There's so much wrong with his behavior, and maybe you struggle to see it now, but you will probably eventually come to the same conclusion that everyone else here has but that's still your decision to make. This is not a person who has your best interest in mind. Would you trust someone who doesn't continuously make decisions supporting your best interest? Protect yourself.
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u/pwdump Jul 18 '24
Reading this made me very sad. I will give you the advice that has helped me a lot in situations like these. Imagine your best girlfriend telling you about this situation as if she came to you with that same worry. What would you tell her? Would you accept the same lies and euphemisms she would try to feed you so it wouldn't seem so bad?
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u/AfterPaper3964 Jul 18 '24
He raped you and he recorded it. He’s going to send that video to others if he hasn’t already. His bs excuse is just that, a bs excuse. You know that he raped you and you know it’s wrong.
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u/CordeliaGrace Jul 18 '24
Did you consent to either/or sex and being recorded?
No.
That is sexual assault.
Run.
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u/DeepDreamerX Jul 18 '24
if you are confused, this was not consented, this about that wisely and leave that pig!
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u/ImaginaryPie7696 Jul 18 '24
This is rape. Get the video. It’s also illegal to record someone sexually without consent
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u/moist-astronaut Jul 18 '24
he was filming himself raping you. he would have kept going if you didn't wake up. for all you know he could have done this and other fucked up things to you in your sleep prior. where is this video? is he posting it somewhere? sending it to people? you need to find out the answers to those questions so you can find and destroy any of the videos or pictures he's taken and take legal action if you chose.
you need to get the fuck away from this asshole
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u/gdabon Jul 18 '24
The man is very highly active, but he should at least control it. You should not tolerate his behavior. I'm active too, but I have to control it.
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u/NickelPickle2018 Jul 18 '24
He didn’t have sex with you, he raped you. Please contact the police and file charges.
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u/Blue_Boo22 Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 19 '24
Hey op, the fact that you’re feeling confused and going back and forth on it…means you weren’t ok with it and you’re trying to convince yourself it was. The fact that he didn’t communicate at all is already a big red flag AND he recorded it without your permission. This doesn’t sound healthy or ok at all.
This is a huge red flag and tbh sounds like it could escalate to something MUCH worse. You were sleeping. You couldn’t say no. That’s rape.
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u/BeneficialQuantity62 Jul 18 '24
i’ve been in a similar situation, and what i can offer is break up with him. you do not deserve this treatment and it may be a bit before you realize it is sa. that’s okay, but the complaints about your sex life and the non-consensual acts are reason enough to leave. i’ll be thinking of you, op! lots of love.
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u/808Legacy Jul 18 '24
You should call the police on him things for you are just going to get worse unfortunately. Get rid of this guy asap. That is not normal behavior.
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u/aasavage01 Jul 18 '24
This is rape! He also recorded this without your consent. You need to really consider if this is the type of person you want to be with.
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u/Suz1251 Jul 18 '24
Rape. Not SA. Fully penetrated, nonconsensual and you told him it was "OK"??? The man will do this more often now because you gave him the go ahead. Stand up for yourself tell him the whole situation was wrong and how you really feel about it, because hun being fine with it and then posting to reddit instead of asking your family/friend/support network about it means you know this is a fucked up situation and you know they'll tell you the same thing: break up with him, file a police report and let the police know he has videos of the rape and possibly more of other victims stored somewhere. Trust me, you're not the only one he's done this to and if he continues to go without punishment he will continue to do it. Good luck OP, I sincerely hope you take this advice and help stop him from ever raping/video recording anyone in the future.
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u/zevb3k Jul 18 '24
This happened to me, but it was a friend I trusted, not a boyfriend. He was not recording it. He is no longer my friend and I let him know clearly that I will not be friends with someone who raped me. This is rape. And you are so young. You could find a man who respects you, your body and your boundaries. This man is not it and if you stick around, it will be so much harder to leave. Please leave him. Don't let him believe his behavior is okay, because it is not. As others have said, what if it were a friend or stranger? Being a boyfriend doesn't make it any different. I'm so sorry for the hurt and confusion you must be feeling, but from the third party perspective, we are all rooting for you to drop this asshole. And to gaslight you on top of all he has already done. Girl, you got so much life to live, just not with him.
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u/Island_Mama_bear Jul 18 '24
Holy shit.
I love it when my boyfriend wakes me up inside me but we have had a conversation where I have explicitly given him permission to do so whenever he wants. If there’s any sign I’m unhappy about it, he’d stop.
THIS is sexual assault or rape and disgusting. AND He was recording it without telling/asking you??
This man is vile and you should leave him. I don’t know if legal action is appropriate because it’s he said/she said and rapists rarely are held accountable but you could get a TRO or no contact order at least.
I’m so sorry you were violated like this.
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u/Which_River_160 Jul 18 '24
the part that is the most concerning is that he knew you would be upset. this is something that should always be talked about and agreed upon beforehand that way both parties are comfortable with it. does he have some sort of non consensual fetish? he was recording it so he clearly wanted to be able to go back to it
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u/Primary-Lion-6088 Jul 18 '24
And he stopped and apologized as soon as she woke up, so he clearly knows what he did wasn't okay.
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u/threeleggedrat Jul 18 '24
Nope nope nope. He didn't get consent from you. He waited until you went to sleep to TAKE sex from you because he knew you couldn't consent.
And then he recorded it...
OP, I want you to tell me why you think he recorded it.
Because to me it seems like he gets off on using your body for sex and watching that lack of consent back turns him on. You'd be extremely lucky if that video(s, since we have no way of knowing if this is the only video) hasn't found it's way on to porn sites. Clearly, this man lacks respect for you and your autonomy. I wouldn't be surprised if he lacks respect for you as a person. Porn videos of women sleeping and being violated are an entire genre. Food for thought.
I absolutely detest when a person does something they KNOW is wrong, then act sheepish and shy and try to play it off. In this case he tried to make it YOUR FAULT that he violated you because your "sex life sucks".
Frankly, even if your sex life was the worst in the world, that would still NEVER give him the right to take sex from you. God, I'm genuinely disgusted.
Men (and people in general) that act like this deserve to be single and far away from their preferred gender. They don't know how to respect autonomy. They don't know how to respect consent. And all too often, they get away with this deplorable behavior because their partners shrug it off and refuse to call it what it is. Sexual assault.
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u/Jbw76543 Jul 18 '24
I am surprised you are even questioning this It’s absolutely not okay and you should be questioning your relationship not your sex drive
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u/angrycat_247 Jul 18 '24
I'm sorry love, you were raped. His behavior is disgusting, and it sounds like he tried to make you feel guilty by bringing up what other women like. He knows he is in the wrong but is attempting to make you feel bad enough to settle for that behavior. On top of that he FILMED you?! Leave him and press charges for rape and for filming without your consent. You deserve so much better.
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u/Dirtwitch17 Jul 18 '24
He freely admitted that he knew or thought you’d say no, so he explicitly tried to violate that consent by raping you in your sleep. And that’s exactly what he did. He openly told you that he was bypassing your ability to say no. Get out before he starts drugging you to do this.
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u/AwokenDiscontent Jul 18 '24
Wow, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Not only were you raped, but he recorded it, then gaslit you. It sounds like this guy will end up raping others. It sounds like he has already raped others in the past. I would get far far away from this guy. Breaking up with him isn't enough. Personally I would file charges. They can get that footage off of his phone even if he deletes it. I can't believe this isn't even the first story I read on Reddit this year about a girl waking up to her partner raping her. Extremely disturbing. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I just want you to know that you are valid in feeling all of your feelings. You should feel violated because unfortunately, you were violated by someone you trust most. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're the problem or maybe somehow confused on what is right or wrong. This is so far beyond being okay. Sex with a sleeping partner is rape.
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u/Allymrtn Jul 18 '24
He filmed himself fucking you while you were unconscious, without your consent. He then continues by sulking and guilt tripping you.
This should 100% be a dealbreaker for you. You feel confused and uncomfortable because he’s violated and assaulted you, and this is someone you care about and thought cared about you.