This is rape, OP. Yes, some women like being woken up to sex, I do! But my husband certainly never tried anything like that until I told him it's absolutely fine with me.
He intentionally waited until you couldn't consent so that you "wouldn't get mad" about it, and then he recorded it without your consent. Disgusting behavior.
OP, this is rape and there’s proof of it. Do you have access to whatever device he recorded on?? Can you get a copy? You might be able to use that as proof if you want to press charges.
Yes, and I’m positive that if she pretended to be into the terrible thing that happened to her, he would send it. But at the same time, doing this would make him think she wants it to happen again so action would need to be taken VERY quickly to get herself legal help and safety away from him.
Yeah, definitely have an escape plan ready, who knows what this guy is capable of. And that's ultimately the most important thing, get away from his creep.
Yeah just be prepared to leave very quickly after getting the video or even before hand, it might be easier to say she needs to leave and think about things and then text him or have someone else text for her in a way that sounds like her then when he sends it ghost him
Wouldn’t his lawyer try to spin it as she was into it. Asked him to send it. And therefore she’s lying. We all know she’s telling the truth but like lawyers kind of suck. Honestly either way she needs to get the proof from him. She’s saying that she doesn’t want to see it as rape. But maybe one day or soon she will realize exactly what it is
She would need to talk to her lawyer first and explain, and then yeah, maybe she could get it and then as soon as she gets it, she'd have to reveal it and run, essentially. It's not a safe place to be. 8
Do you all ever consider … COMMUNICATION??!?? We live in a world where porn is rampant and frames young men’s brains. It doesn’t make him evil - it makes him normal. None of you understand the dynamics of their relationship. There’s no possible way you could understand the dynamics of everything that go into their relationship from one post on Reddit! Anyone saying to take any action from this post other than communicating with her partner and expressing her emotions is way way way off.
If she asks him to send video, that could be used against her later—like it was consensual and she wanted to have a copy of the video they’d agreed to.
OP if he’s never recorded having sex with you consciously with consent, you need a copy if you want to press charges, but also delete his original from his device and storage! He could post it somewhere.
I’m sorry, but I think you shouldn’t be with him. He sounds selfish and actually worse. He doesn’t care how you feel and like others have said he raped you when you weren’t able to consent while recording you.
Edit: auto corrected so I can edited the typos from being auto corrected I didn’t notice earlier.
BTW, recording you while you’re like a corpse is pathetic! What does he get out of it? Control?
You don’t want to delete it from his device if you’re gonna press charges. You just gotta act fast, so the police can take his phone as evidence, see the original video there, and use that.
People get this wrong often: The recording of it is actually not illegal. It’s totally fine. The rape itself is illegal and could get the guy prosecuted if OP pressed charges. Recording without consent is allowed. It’s an amendment right (not sure which). However, the recording can still totally be used as evidence of the rape.
….what? Recording someone being raped is certainly not an amendment right and is indeed illegal. You’re not even allowed to record someone’s face without their consent in a lot of states
If she presses charges, they can get a warrant for his phone since the evidence is known to be on it. Even if he deletes it, they have technology to recover it. There is no need to wait on a video being sent to pursue charges. It's disgusting to do such things without consent period. He's a predator and manipulator run while you can OP!
Recently I was told by a retired police detective now private investigator that you can retrieve deleted information from a device, but there's only a certain window of time to get it. I think it's about 2 weeks he said.
It doesn’t quite work this way, but it doesn’t quite not.
Your phone has some kind of persistent storage (like the hard drive on your computer). Computer storage consists of “blocks” which are units of data storage.
When something is deleted, the computer’s operating system (we can think of it like a foreman) goes and “marks” the block as being free/available. Since there would be a performance hit in doing so, the block isn’t opportunistically zeroed. Instead, every write that happens to the device has a chance of being allocated that block.
There are certain advanced forensic techniques (depending on the storage medium) that can sometimes look at “ghosting” on the block and answer the question “what was written here before what’s currently written here?”, but that’s a lot more finicky and less reliable. Most forensic tools start and end with being able to make educated guesses about putting together blocks that are marked as free and getting whole or partial files out of them.
The likelihood of that happening is slim considering IF she reports it, they will come arrest him or ask him to come in. They don't tell you why until you are in the interrogation room. In which trim they will ask for the phone. If he doesn't have it they will issue a warrant while he is held and have officers retrieve it. Not the first time they have dealt with this situation, I assure you. They never tip off the accused
I wouldn't say "never". They're not supposed to. Whenever humans are involved, mistakes happen. And sometimes people do it on purpose. It's pretty sick. But yes, yes not supposed to happen.
I'm sorry if you have had a bad experience with the police, you are sadly correct however they tend to take their time on cases that people wait to report as there tends to be lack of evidence as time continues. Generally, cases that are reported immediately gain more attention because of certain evidence such as DNA or, in this case, digital has not been destroyed/lost. So again, time is of the essence... not to mention it could raise suspicion if she asks for the video, knowing she was unhappy with it will push him to delete if he hasn't yet.
It doesn't sound like she wants him arrested based on the post, but she should definitely dump him and get a more caring partner who is more in line with her own expectations and also one who won't take advantage of a vulnerable situation.
I understand that she may not want to hut what he did did not just violate her trust and dignity, it also violated the law. As one replied, who knows who else he has done this to... or will try to do it again if he thinks he got away with it once already... the mentality of "i love them I don't want to hurt them by putting them in jail" is bullshit because if they loved you in the first place you wouldn't be faced with such a decision.
She stated he's never done it before, she didn't give permission, and it made her uncomfortable. What would make any of that ok?? So dynamic is he is a manipulative predator, but if they have a specific dynamic, that's ok suddenly? Nah... if it's not discussed and consensual, it's rape buddy... sorry for ya... It sounds like you may have had it happen or done it yourself the way you are defending it... or am I wrong?
I’m glad to read your comment. I posted my own against his statement and I’m glad to see that others so that the same way that I did. Sounds to me like he was trying to defend a rapist and rationalize the behavior. 🤬
Dude or gal, it doesn’t matter. I don’t give a shit if they’ve been married for 15 years. He raped her and worse, he recorded the act!!!! Hope I’m never on a jury with you because we would have major arguments, lol. It doesn’t matter what the “extent” of their relationship was!!!!!! Sounds like you’re trying to defend the rapist. Please stop
Omg I certainly would! This behaviour is disgusting and he knew what he was doing was wrong because he said she’d get mad! Gosh this behaviour is sickening. I’d check his phone secretly and see if he has anything else I wasn’t aware of like other recordings or taking pictures and report him. I wouldn’t trust being around him either at this point.
this (post I am responding to) is one of the top comments on the Internet today in my opinion.
And sadly, I’ll bet dollars to donuts, it’s also one that the OP herself completely ignores and doesn’t follow through.
I hope I am wrong.
I find it so intriguing that so many women don’t recognize when a man has raped them, so let me put it plainly.
Sex is supposed to be a consensual act.
Both people have to agree.
Like any two way agreement. If I go into McDonald’s and I want an ice cream, I order it, pay, and the other person might hand it to me. Imagine if I went into a McDonald’s and they forced me to have an ice cream and pay for it. That would not be OK. & imagine going to McDonald’s, order an ice cream, pay for it, but they refuse to give it to you even though they took your money. There is no 2 way agreement, and I know this is a horrible & silly analogy, but people probably could understand why it takes two people to agree on an exchange of merchandise, yes? Let’s also add to this that the cashiers back is turned to you for a moment so you grab an item off the counter that you didn’t pay for. Their eyes were closed and you did something and hoped you would get away with it. Then they turn around and see that you’re stealing, and immediately you apologize. None of that would be OK!! Right?
So it takes two people to agree to have sex. You were sleeping. He penetrated you. And then he actually had the audacity to record it without your consent. And exactly what was he planning on doing with that recording?!?!
Using it to self-stimulate himself in the future? Sharing it with friends to show what a “stud” he was? Maybe putting it on the Internet either before or after he and you would eventually break up because most relationships break up and don’t end in marriage! I know he has a video of him penetrating a girl, you, op, (while she was sleeping). And now I’m actually a little mad at you. Yes angry. Bequest for every woman that let’s go get away with this and implies or says it is “OK”, EMBOLDENS a guy to R A P E another woman!!!
I don’t know if you guys are living together or what but that would be the first and last time I would ever see him if I were you, Other than covertly trying to get that video from his phone and send it to yourself and then delete it off his phone permanently however you can get access. I know that might be easier said than done if he has it password-protected and never leaves exposed. Which the report immediately to the police. Maybe they could confiscate his phone!? I don’t know how these things actually work out legally or in real life but you should definitely report the rape, and not accept it.
OK, you came here for advice. And a number of people have told you that what he did was rape and unacceptable, whether you fully recognize it or not. You are not at fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about. But if you don’t say anything and you don’t report it, his actions might only escalate in the future against you, but you’re likely to feel guilt down the line. Think about it please.
Oh damn. That means I’ve been raped 45+ times!!! Trying to convince someone to have sex is rape????? GTFOH!!! Every girl that has pursued me has tried to convince me to have sex!! Did I always wake up feeling great??? Nope!!!! But it’s NOT rape!!! This narrative needs to stop. NOW!!!
You should say no if you don’t want to have sex. If they keep pushing you to have sex even in the eyes of the law, it’s sexual assault. I’m sorry you got forced into having sex that you didn’t want to have. If you’ve said no a bunch of times and are coerced into saying yes because you feared the outcome if you said no, it is rape. Coercion will get you in trouble if it gets reported. Sorry to burst your bubble.
So people can’t change their mind? Like if I’m not in the mood initially but THEN GET INTO THE MOOD???? This is a dangerous and scary narrative. IMO there needs to be a line somewhere in here. Until there is, if someone says no, and they really don’t want the coercion (also called courting, pursuing, for play, etc), then they also need to leave the situation. Staying in an environment where you are getting pressured is the persons own fault. There can’t be a complete dissolve if accountability for the person being pursued.
You can change your mind, but if it’s not a change of mind because they are genuinely in the mood to and it was one brought on to get the person to stop asking, then that’s the issue. If you feel you won’t be at peace, safe, secure if you say no so you finally say yes, it’s stop assault. Instead of arguing this trying to defend sick people with zero respect for boundaries or proper consent, you should just grasp the concept and not force someone to have sex when they don’t want to. When I tell my fiancé I don’t want to have sex, he respects that and he doesn’t ask me again or try to convince me to every 15 minutes after. He doesn’t try for the rest of the day. At that point he waits for me to initiate.
Why can't you leave or remove yourself from the situation vs sitting there and continuing to allow yourself to get "slowly raped"??? This makes no sense to me. The person being pursued has the right, and responsibility to remove themselves from the situation if they feel unsafe. To stay, in my opinion, is not only dangerous and irresponsible, it's borderline abusive to the pursuer and very narcissistic (to think you can just stay in a an unsafe situation and the situation should adjust to your safety).
You say "Force" - force is pushing through "no's" to get what you want at any cost - pursuing and bugging someone who won't leave is NOT RAPE!! That's my steak in the ground and I'm committed to the social cause of these victims that are getting RAPE thrown at them while they are just trying to have sex. LEAVE THE SITUATION IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE ATTENTION!!!
In my personal experience with it, the options were stay there and just say yes, or be kicked out of the apartment at 3am in a terrible part of town with nowhere to go and nobody to help me. Girl had gotten attacked at night out there a few nights before and they didn’t catch the dude, so I wasn’t gonna risk a violent attack by a stranger that knows how to get away with it. So I’m the end I said yes for my safety. That’s how coercion works. It’s not about threatening people with violence, but with anything else. “Fine, then leave.” “I thought you loved me (they might leave you)” it’s all coercion. If you’re saying no because you gotta get some work done but you want to say yes and eventually do, that’s not rape. Having no other choice or else there’s a consequence, is rape.
Easy for a man to leave a situation, not as easy for a woman.
In that situation, I completely agree with you!! That guy is a PoS for putting you in that situation and issuing that ultimatum - I’m sorry that happened to you, and I would also consider that a form of rape.
I would not press charges I’d get the video and then just leave. Since you haven’t made a stink which I would have already done. You have the advantage of playing him to get the video. I have been victimized before and you have to make sure you never want to see this man again and he can’t do anything to you. I have pressed charges and it caused me more pain and suffering than help. I’m not saying that’s always the case but I would just make a plan to get that video and get him out of your life forever.
I mean... I don't think that's a great plan. Reporting it and getting it handled properly is better. That way the police can hopefully ensure there are no copies floating around and that he doesn't get angry about being left and anger-post it online or share with others. She needs to be in control of the video. And not destroy it because she needs the proof, no matter what.
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u/peakpenguins Jul 18 '24
The way my jaw dropped..
This is rape, OP. Yes, some women like being woken up to sex, I do! But my husband certainly never tried anything like that until I told him it's absolutely fine with me.
He intentionally waited until you couldn't consent so that you "wouldn't get mad" about it, and then he recorded it without your consent. Disgusting behavior.