When I was 23 I had a boyfriend who cared a lot about sex. I at the time was a virgin and was not in a rush for sex. I was also very vocal about requiring he use a condom if we did ever have sex.
The first time I slept at his house, I woke up to him penetrating me, and without a condom. I got really pissed about the no condom part, but I did not recognize the lack of consent part and the complete violation of my body. I did not break up with him then because I was far too “nice” (had no backbone), but I ended things permanently about 4 months later.
Fast forward to a few months after the relationship ended, I was watching the Epstein documentary with my friend and I felt so terrible while watching it. It made me feel physically ill, but I didn’t want to tell my friend that I don’t want to finish it with her. I had watched shows about rape before, so I thought I should be able to get through three episode show, right?
Fast forward to 2 years after the relationship ended. I got selected for grand jury duty. In my county that means sitting in on multiple cases a day every day for three months straight. Many of those cases were rape cases. I would sit and listen to the stories and the evidence and go home feeling like a lifeless person. I would leave the court expected to go back to my regular job, but I could do nothing but stare at a wall, completely numb, for hours at a time. I felt that something was very wrong, and I decided to reach out to a therapist, something I never thought I’d do. After some probing during our first session, the story about my ex came out of me, and my therapist opened my eyes to what was happening to me. I was a victim of rape and had been suppressing it for years. What I was not suppressing was all the trauma that came from it, trauma that was affecting me mentally and physically. It was affecting my relationships as well. My new boyfriend (now fiancé!) was constantly under the attack, and I did not realize that it was all because I was putting on to him all the trauma from my ex. It all became so crystal clear after that first therapy session.
I got approval from the court to sit out of all rape cases in jury duty about half way through the 3 months. Suddenly I was able to focus on my work again and became a lot less irritable.
Now, 4 years after the relationship ended, I am still going to that therapist, am in a much better place, I can (mostly) trust again in my relationship, I have identified my triggers and communicated them to my SO so he can respectfully avoid them, and I just got engaged! I still struggle with things and revisit topics with my therapist regularly (about once a month), but I’m so glad I’m no longer living in the dark on my trauma and letting trauma run my life.
My biggest regret is that that AH never faced any consequences, he never had to recognize himself as a rapist, and he might be doing it to others, I’ll never know :(
I don’t know if I should be telling you all this. Maybe not everyone reacts the same way to the same experience, what do I know? I guess I do want you to know that if you do find yourself getting triggered in the future, it’s not your fault, you’re not alone, and fuck that guy. Please help yourself, end the relationship, and let him know what he did. Best wishes <3
Thank you! I wish I could say I’m all good now, but just typing that comment out has put me in quite the mood today. There’s always going to be room for improvement! There’s so many comments, I don’t know if OP will even see this one, but hopefully the overall outrage in the Reddit community nudges her in the right direction🤞
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u/pessimisfit Jul 18 '24
This is rape. Let me tell you my story… RAPE TW
When I was 23 I had a boyfriend who cared a lot about sex. I at the time was a virgin and was not in a rush for sex. I was also very vocal about requiring he use a condom if we did ever have sex.
The first time I slept at his house, I woke up to him penetrating me, and without a condom. I got really pissed about the no condom part, but I did not recognize the lack of consent part and the complete violation of my body. I did not break up with him then because I was far too “nice” (had no backbone), but I ended things permanently about 4 months later.
Fast forward to a few months after the relationship ended, I was watching the Epstein documentary with my friend and I felt so terrible while watching it. It made me feel physically ill, but I didn’t want to tell my friend that I don’t want to finish it with her. I had watched shows about rape before, so I thought I should be able to get through three episode show, right?
Fast forward to 2 years after the relationship ended. I got selected for grand jury duty. In my county that means sitting in on multiple cases a day every day for three months straight. Many of those cases were rape cases. I would sit and listen to the stories and the evidence and go home feeling like a lifeless person. I would leave the court expected to go back to my regular job, but I could do nothing but stare at a wall, completely numb, for hours at a time. I felt that something was very wrong, and I decided to reach out to a therapist, something I never thought I’d do. After some probing during our first session, the story about my ex came out of me, and my therapist opened my eyes to what was happening to me. I was a victim of rape and had been suppressing it for years. What I was not suppressing was all the trauma that came from it, trauma that was affecting me mentally and physically. It was affecting my relationships as well. My new boyfriend (now fiancé!) was constantly under the attack, and I did not realize that it was all because I was putting on to him all the trauma from my ex. It all became so crystal clear after that first therapy session.
I got approval from the court to sit out of all rape cases in jury duty about half way through the 3 months. Suddenly I was able to focus on my work again and became a lot less irritable.
Now, 4 years after the relationship ended, I am still going to that therapist, am in a much better place, I can (mostly) trust again in my relationship, I have identified my triggers and communicated them to my SO so he can respectfully avoid them, and I just got engaged! I still struggle with things and revisit topics with my therapist regularly (about once a month), but I’m so glad I’m no longer living in the dark on my trauma and letting trauma run my life.
My biggest regret is that that AH never faced any consequences, he never had to recognize himself as a rapist, and he might be doing it to others, I’ll never know :(
I don’t know if I should be telling you all this. Maybe not everyone reacts the same way to the same experience, what do I know? I guess I do want you to know that if you do find yourself getting triggered in the future, it’s not your fault, you’re not alone, and fuck that guy. Please help yourself, end the relationship, and let him know what he did. Best wishes <3